Before a judge released Amanda Bynes back into the wild and didn't keep her in jail for throwing a bong out her apartment window in Manhattan, she underwent a psychiatric evaluation at Roosevelt Hospital. Even with a SCREAM FOR HELP wig on top of Amanda's head, the psychiatrists at Roosevelt didn't think she needed to be held in a psych ward involuntarily. TMZ says that Amanda's parents want to become her conservators, but she hasn't been acting insane enough for a judge to make them the CEO and CFO of her life. I know, that gutter ass wig says otherwise.

TMZ's sources say that Amanda has never been diagnosed with any kind of mental illness, but her parents, who live in California, think she might be schizophrenic or bi-polar. It's been hard for them to find out for sure, because Amanda shakes her wig "no" when they ask her to see a psychiatrist. Apparently, the authorities want to put Amanda in a mental facility for 72 hours so she can get a full mental health evaluation, but there's just not enough evidence for a judge to approve that. I guess Amanda's crazy behavior just isn't crazy enough for the judge to force her to do anything. TMZ says that a judge can force her to get a full mental health evaluation if they think she's not clear in the brains enough to understand the felony charges against her.

And here's Amanda in court yesterday morning.

Why did I keep waiting for Amanda to scream, "BRING IN THE DANCING LOBSTERS!!!"

Amanda was back on Twitter last night and once again spread thick layers of delusion by saying that she doesn't smoke the good shit.

What more is there to say? If this was an episode of the Twilight Zone, everybody would be the crazy ones and Amanda would be the sane one. Because everybody is smelling weed smoke instead of tobacco smoke and don't know the difference between a vase and a bong. Well, but at least Amanda knows that her wig looks like something was pulled off of a dead morning-shift hooker lying in a ditch.

Like the ten million people before him who have asked a celebrity to go to an important life event with them, Jake Davidson of CA (oh, CA) made a YouTube video where he asked boner maker Kate Upton to go to his high school senior prom with him. The video went viral and Jake ended up talking to Kate on the Today show. Kate said the video was very "sweet" and she'd have to "check her schedule" to see if she can go. Usually, when somebody spits out the "I have to check my schedule" line, it means that they have checked their schedule and on that date they are doing anything (examples: pluck ass hairs out one by one, have a staring contest with a wall, live-tweet that 8-hour long Imitation of Christ movie, etc...etc..) but going out with you.

Kate told Jake that she couldn't go to prom him with and just as dozens of teen boners broke and filled with sadness, 21-year-old newbie Sports Illustrated model Nina Agdal popped up and said she'd go with him. Inside Edition set up the date and Jake said that he loves Nina's Carl's Jr. commercial and is one of her fans (in other words, we all know what that means). Here's a video of Jake and the dutch model's prom date in Santa Monica, CA. CAUTION: Severe awkwardness ahead:

A few observations... DAMN that boy is nervous. I wouldn't call you a liar if you told me that he shat in his chonies at least 4 times during that video, because he looks like a bareback bottom slut awaiting his HIV results. Second, did she just ride with him in the limo, dance with him for a few seconds in the parking lot of the venue and then bounce out of that bitch? Nina's like, "I have to leave now! Prom is over!" and it's still light out. What in the hell kind of prom ends when it's still light out? Was it an Amish prom? She probably only signed up for one limo ride and an awkward dance in the parking lot.

Meanwhile, Jake is probably the only one at prom who didn't get any that night.

Contessa from Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?

Writing about Kanye Sandiego trying to get away from Kim Kartrashian made me think of the hot bitches in the Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego? series on PBS. One of the hottest villains was the Contessa, a thieving thief of pure glamour and beauty who was a member of Carmen Sandiego's gang. The Contessa was a member of Italian royalty, dressed herself up in the finest fashions from Milan, could pilot a helicopter and her catchphrase was, "I may be a thief, but my taste is impeccable."She's like Lindsay Lohan if Lindsay Lohan had taste and wasn't trash.

If you care, here's a clip of the Contessa on WITWICS.

You could serve dinner for six on those shoulders, here eyebrows look like they were drawn on with a BIC and she always looks like something stank has just hit her nostrils. She kind of looks like Linda Dano on testosterone boosters and that is the look.

Ian McKellen (74)
Aly Raisman (19)
Neon Hitch (25)
Cillian Murphy (37)
Ethan Suplee (37)
Lauryn Hill (38)
Molly Sims (40)
Octavia Spencer (41)
Lindsay and Sidney Greenbush (43)
Jamie Kennedy (43)
Anne Heche (44)
Stacy London (44)
Mike Myers (50)
Connie Sellecca (58)
Eve Ensler (60)
Jacki Weaver (66)
Frank Oz (69)
Leslie Uggams (70)

Selena Kay Letourneau strikes again! - Hollywood Tuna 

So many, "I'd like Charlie Hunnam to Pacific Rim me" jokes, so little time - Lainey Gossip 

Robert Downey Jr.'s old Sketchers ad is making me pucker from places I didn't know I could pucker from - The Berry 

Put on your fishnets and get in a prayer circle for Dr. Frank-N-Furter - HuffPo

"Hey, Kristen Stewart, about how many working brain cells do you have?" - The Superficial 

Helen Flangan's chichis look like two eggs in a nest made of pansies - Drunken Stepfather

January Jones is still not going to tell you who bareback boned a surprised baby into her - Celebitchy

Even Hugh JackMeOff's nipples look ripped - Towleroad

It took me about six eye blinks to realize that this wasn't a knocked up Selena Gomez - Popoholic

If American Idol is going to officially stop giving a shit by bringing back past contestants as judges, they need to bring back Rhonetta - ICYDK

STUNT QUEENS stuntin' like STUNT QUEENS at SNL - IDLYITW

What a gorgeous hemorrhoid with lips - Reality Tea

Elisabeth Moss believes the Hammaconda is real - Jezebel

Amber Heard is thinking to herself, "Hmmm, I know one of these vampire zombies is going to suck the life out of me later, but I'm not sure which one..." - Popsugar

This South Korean model and Daryl Hannah must have the same plastic surgeon - OMG Blog

So if I want a giant peen etched into my car, all I have to do is cut this crazy Florida trick off? Tell me where to find her - The Frisky 

It's a shame One Life to Live isn't on TV anymore, because Snoop Lion would've gotten all the Emmys for this - SOW

This is the closest Tommy Girl will ever get to bare pussy - Just Jared

Stills from the next Planet of the Apes movie confirms that it's going to be the scariest Planet of the Apes movie ever - I'm Not Obsessed

via Break

Oops! Bright and early this morning, the Unicorn Butterfly Empress of the Pink Rainbows, Mimi, was on Good Morning America to promote her new song with Miguel called #Beautiful (I too wish that hash tag was a joke). But the only beautiful thing to come out of her visit was the moment thatn happened during her talk with life-like robot Lara Spencer.

The cries of sequins filled Central Park when Mimi's ten-sizes-too-small Ver-sayce dress popped in the back like a can of Pillsbury Flaky Layers biscuits. The animal hospitals were flooded with lambs who suffered cardiac arrests from almost seeing Mimi's Hello Titty balls in all their glory.

Because Mimi wanted to rack up as many YouTube views as possible, she also dropped a verbal shit bomb before apologizing to Donatella Versace for squeezing her goodies into a dress that doesn't fit her. Mimi should never apologize for being Dyslexic when it comes labels on clothes. We see a size European 34 on the label and Mimi sees, "YOU'LL FIT INTO THIS, DAHLING!" But whatever, even if Mimi's dress popped off. She had it covered. You know she had pasties of Nick Cannon's face covering her nibble knobs.

And here's Mimi singing that #Beautiful song with Miguel:

Gawker says that Mimi's people dubbed her vocals for the West Coast broadcast. The clip from the East Coast broadcast that Gawker has is hilarious. Mimi sounds like a baby hyena trying to coo and scream at the same time. That's what a monkey with laryngitis sounds like when it's being burned alive.

But damn, Mimi's people do not play around.

In case you aren't caught up on the feud of the century, Kendall Jenner, the 17-year-old fame-whore-in-training who Pimp Mama Kris is grooming to be her next highest-earning kash kow, let out a poor little rich girl whine on Twitter the other day when she complained about how hard life is sometimes. I didn't think anything of it really, because if I had to look at Bruce Jenner's face every day and my pimp mom was trying hard to drop the legal porn age from 17 to 18 so she can put me in a "leaked" sex tape, I would probably tweet the same thing. But Kurt and Courtney's kid wasn't have any of it and Frances Bean Cobain let a trick have it. I love it when the most popular girl in school and the most emo-est girl in school go at it.

Was Frances Bean totally overreacting? Yes. Did I laugh at her tweets? Yes.

Kendall Jenner didn't respond to FB right away, probably because she was too busy asking everyone in the Kartrashian lair what the word "famine" means and they were all trying to find out the answer until they eventually gave up and went to buy crotchless thongs at Agent Provocateur instead. Kendall eventually responded to FB. She must've deleted her response, because I couldn't find it on Twitter, but Radar says she wrote this to FB:

“i am aware that i am very privileged and blessed, and im thankful for that everyday, i know there are greater problems in the world. i pray for those people every night and give back as much as i can. so who are u to judge me?”

Yeah, Frances Bean, so why don't you just stop judging Kendall Jenner. Because every night, Kendall Jenner prays that those less fortunate than her get themselves a stupid piece of trash sister who will turn her sex tape partner's piss stream into a multi-million dollar fame whore empire. Then they'll too get to drive around in a Range Rover at the age of 17. So how dare you judge her, Frances Bean. GAWD!

Here's PMK and the walking blueprint for Kendall Jenner's future arriving at LAX yesterday.

To Goopy Paltrow, being at the Met Gala was a lot like being trapped in the wet, hot fart of a poor person who just ate cheap Mexican food. She hated almost every second of it. Well, the feeling might've been mutual. People at the Met Gala hated Goopy being there as much as she did. The National Enquirer says that Goopy wasn't lying when she said she was hot, because apparently her pits were as juicy and moist as a roasted organic quail coming out of her $50,000 La Cornue’s Grand Palais oven. Some source tells The National Enquirer that Goopy's pits don't lie:

“Poor Gwyneth looked picture-perfect, but it must have been the hot lights that caused her to be a little strong on the nose. It was pretty pungent, and I don’t think she had a clue. I saw at least two people wave their hands in front of their noses after passing her.”

One of Goopy's friends said that she doesn't use deodorant, because she read that the aluminum in some deodorants can increase your chances of getting breast cancer. So she uses that crystal rock crap and other stuff instead.

This entire story has almost made me put my bong away for the weekend, because the thought of people plugging their nose while walking by Goopy has taken me up, up, up and away! But the truth is, the middle-class and the bougies just aren't used to smelling the scent of the blue blood royals. Goopy's pit stank probably smells like platinum bullion, Yangtze River dolphin queefs, red diamond dust, slightly seared Kobe beef and a hint of organic Saffron.

Of course the middle-class and bougies wouldn't understand her natural aroma. They just don't have the noses for it. It's kind of like when Goopy let her laundress taste the coagulated jizz balls of white tigers she had imported in from Bengal. Goopy's laundress spit it out and Goopy patted her on the back while saying, "It's okay, it's not your fault you were born with that palate." So Goopy doesn't hate those bitches who said she stank up the room. It's not their fault they were born with the nasal palate of an ordinary peasant.

Here's musty Goopy and Chris Martin leaving some party she threw in London the other night.

When Amanda Bynes Skillrex'd her hair, some people said that at least it's a good thing she didn't go full Britney. Well, she kind of did...

TMZ got a hold of the mug shot that Amanda Bynes took last night after getting arrested for throwing a bong out the window of her 36th floor apartment and being in possession of the good shit. Underneath that used-up, bought-at-a-garage-sale Disney princess wig is some short hair. That mug shot is like "Miley Cyrus as Brandon Teena" meets Faces of Meth.

The Disney princess wig was back on Amanda's head when she was taken into court this morning. Amanda told the judge that the bong she threw out the window was just a vase. (She's not totally off, because a bong is sort of like a vase for beautiful weed buds.) TMZ says that the judge didn't send Amanda immediately to the psych ward and he didn't make her pay $1,000 bail. The prosecutors asked the judge to hold her, but the judge released her back into the wild by herself instead. The judge told her that she will be arrested again if she doesn't show up to her court hearing in July.

THAT JUDGE! What in the hell kind of judge takes a look at that busted down, four cent wig and doesn't immediately send the wig wearer to get some serious help? That wig isn't a cry for help, it's a bawling/wall slide/mute cry for help. Well, hopefully when Amanda got back to her apartment, Daddy Spears was waiting there with a pot full of Velveeta grits and a filled-out 5150 application. If not, you better wear a hard hat and carry a steel umbrella when walking around 47th and 8th, because "vases" are falling from the sky around there.