On his talk show, The Daily Mail Show with The Silver Fox!, Anderson Cooper continued to stretch his arm out toward that Peabody Award by bringing out the factory-defected Linda Hogan Real Doll who was the 2011 valedicwhorian of Pimp Mama Kris' Night School of Murdering Your Kid's Childhood with Botox for Some Screen Time. We all know The Human Barbie as that Ipkiss-faced pile of melted doll skin who's on The Daily Mail every other month for giving her 7-year-old daughter a voucher for future plastic surgery work. Well, Andy Coo had her on his show yesterday and he tried to get into her head even though he would've found more interesting shit if he peeked into the head hole of an actual Barbie doll. Once Anderson realized that The Human Barbie was only on his show for the free publicity (THIS IS NEW INFORMATION!), he dropped a "Bitch, Be Gone!" on her ass by telling her to sashay away. The audience's nostrils were filled with the scent of an over-microwaved Tupperware lid from The Human Barbie getting burned by the Silver Fox.

After the show, Anderson taped a video note backstage where he said that he banished her from his stage, because her brain is not capable of producing honest thoughts and he felt that the fame whore was only there to be a fame whore. Yeah, Anderson's light bulb takes a while to light up, but when it lights up, it REALLY lights up.

In all seriousness, Anderson is a real journalist, so he obviously did his research and knew what he was dealing with. That is why I can't co-sign this shit. Anderson could've played it three ways:

The serious journalist way: Don't put a fame whore on the show at all and instead devote the entire hour to important topics other serious news organizations cover like the day's most popular cat videos and an exclusive interview with the man who jumped out of a window during a local news report.

The semi-serious journalist way: Bring on a mental health professional to try to talk some realness into The Human Barbie before an agent from Britain's Child Protective Services storms the stage to drag her away.

The 100% STUNT QUEEN way: Bring out a folding table, cover it with delicious plastic breakfast foods (that bitch only eats plastic, right?) and allow The Human Barbie to enjoy it all during her interview before acting out a completely choreographed food fight after one of the audience members calls her a "DISGUSTING FAT LOOSER WHORE!" Then Andy's bald-headed security guard will come out and drag her backstage as everyone chants, "ANDY! ANDY! ANDY! ANDY!" Oh, and The Human Barbie should throw her shoes at one point during the brawl.

Obviously, I'd go with option #3, because I really want to see the Silver Fox throw a silicone croissant at a bitch.

After 601 blog posts of Tammy Lynn Michaels doing nothing but moaning and groaning about how selfish lezmonster Melissa Etheridge left her with a flatlining checking account (aka $23,000 a month) and a mutilated heart stabbed by a shiny new rubber dick, their bitter bitch custody battle is finally over. Tammy Lynn managed to get through it without having to shut down her blog because she ate her fingers off due to almost dying of the starvation forced upon her by Melissa Etheridge. It's the end of a "farting out blog haikus about your ex's box of new dicks" era!

TMZ says that Melissa and Tammy Lynn both agreed to share custody of their 5-year-old twin boys. Tammy Lynn no longer has to eat nail clippings soup for dinner and she doesn't have to suffer through EXTENSIVE retraining to get back into the work force, because Melissa is going to send her more than $23,000 a month in spousal and child support. We don't know how much more, but at least you don't have to spend your work day worrying about Tammy Lynn having to get a job, because she doesn't have to do that anymore!

The selfish part of me will miss Tammy Lynn constantly Maya Angelou-ing about the trials and tribulations of a non-working single parent trying to support two chirruns on a six figure salary. But the unselfish part of me is glad that Tammy Lynn no longer has to buy her pussy balls at The Salvation Army. I swear, Tammy Lynn has played all of this flawlessly and it's like Heather Mills was mentoring her the whole time. Trying to get thousands upon thousands of dollars out of your millionaire ex so you don't have to work IS work. Bitch deserves to retire for that. "#GOTthatmoneybitch" - TLM

Brangelina said they'd marry when otters and unicorns could marry and raise babies. Brad, there's no way out now.... - MadgesVadge

Runners-up:

I know New York City's Health Board will try to tell you otherwise but there sure SEEMS to be a side effect when drinking the tap water. - Whamo

After this latest embarrassment, Tom has finally decided not to let Gisele dress him anymore. - perky

So this is what happens to Justin Bieber after midnight. - ohhellnawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

Hayden Panettiere couldn't understand why her latest "Save the Whales" campaign failed to bring in any more donors. - SANS FARDS

(Thanks, SFRB)

The Fokkens Twins of Amsterdam! With an amazing last name like Fokkens, you're either destined for a role in a Ben Stiller movie or destined for a career in ho shit. Martine and Louise Fokkens went with the latter and it made them legends in Amsterdam's Red Light District! For over 40 years, the 70-year-old twin sisters have been turning tricks and taming dicks way before the Euro came along. During their early pussy peddling days, the Fokkens Twins were basically slaves to a pimp and so they broke free to start their own brothel. Since then, they set up the first informal trade union for hookers and are matriarchs of the coochie merchants stroll.

One of the twins' coochie had a going out of business sale years ago, because the game isn't what it used to be. The other twin hasn't sent her chocha to the Shady Pines Retirement Home just yet, because paying her bills with just a monthly state pension check isn't a possibility. Ole' girl is still selling dates with the oldest, hardest and longest working pussay in the business.

The Fokkens Twins are the stars of a new documentary called "Ouwehoeren" (That's Dutch for "out whoring." No, it isn't.) that made its debut at Cannes and will come out in the US later this summer. Here's the trailer and please redirect your "Gérard Depardieu looks good in drag" jokes to the trash can and instead focus on the oh-so-elegant whipped cream and orange juice beverage:

Sadly, after scanning the YouTube comments my ass learned it's not orange juice! It's a Dutch alcoholic drink that a lot of people enjoy with whipped cream or vanilla ice cream. Learning that fact filled me with drops of disappointment. Because when I was a kid, I regularly took one of my mom's wine glasses, filled it with orange sherbet, put a few dollops of Cool Whip on top and ate that mess with my legs crossed like I was fancy and shit. And by "when I was a kid" I really meant "yesterday."

And I really hope in 40 years when I'm finally making plans to shut down Dlisted, my sister says to me, "You did the work, you've been a whore. You'll never get rid of that name. They'll always call you names, so be one."

via andPOP

Joan Collins (79)
Heidi Range (29)
Lane Garrison (32)
Kelly Monaco (36)
Ken Jennings (38)
Jewel (38)
Maxwell (39)
Eric Nies (41)
Guinevere Turner (44)
Tom Tykwer (47)
Karen Duffy (51)
Lea DeLaria (54)
Drew Carey (54)
Linda Thompson (62)
Charles Kimbrough (76)

Yes, it does and I'm just going to try to forget that.

I just watched my dog poo before he pissed (I did not know dogs can do this! Even I can't do this!) and even that was less confusing to me than the first trailer for Baz Luhrmann's 3D EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAAAAA remake of The Great Gatsby starring Leonardo DiCaprio, Leonardo DiCaprio's main homegirl Tobey Maguire, Carey Mulligan and Isla Fisher. On one hand, this looks like a life-like video game and Carey Mulligan and Leo look like they have the chemistry of two flaccid peens. On the other hand, it has glitter confetti! Since this mess is in 3D, the glitter confetti is going to come at my face (I'll finally know what it feels like to get a facial from Liberace)! Seriously, I think Baz had me at glitter confetti. But he could've thrown 3D glitter confetti on a piece of shit (which is probably what this movie will be) and I'd be happy. (No Scat Queen here.)

Okay, maybe just one little comment:

WHYGODFUCKINGWHYGODWHYJUSTMAKEMARRIAGEILLEGALFOREV
ERYONEIHATEFUCKINGWEDDINGSTHEDEVILISSHOWINGHIMSELFAND
IDONTLIKEITWHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
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YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
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YYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm not sure which has more Kardashian amounts of makeup on: Lea Michele's face or Lea Michele's titty bowls? - Hollywood Tuna

Uncle Jay? GOOPY would. - Lainey Gossip

That guy behind Nicole Richie is either really angry about her Valley of the Dolls look or the paps caught him while he gave a beej to an invisible man on stilts - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

Tameka Foster's spit bombs make Usher sad - Celebitchy

But what I want to know is how many tokes did it take for Miley Cyrus to say sex is beautiful magic - The Superficial

Hawkeye and Thor, you're next! - Towleroad

Selena Gomez reading 50 Shades of Grey has to be 50 shades of ILLEGAL - Popoholic

In other words, Ray-J can't handle his coke - ICYDK

Just like vagina, Tim Tebow doesn't really know how the Internet works - IDLYITW

Joel McHale, just because - The Berry

Who cares about Stepford Katie's hard drive shutting down from being exposed to water! Suri Cruise's doll is what really matters! - Popsugar

Rupert Everett is Oscar Wilde - OMG Blog

The scent of slightly charred Botox told me this was Nicole Kidman and not Taylor Swift after a blowout - Just Jared

Avatar had less special effects than this picture of the Kartrashians - Celebslam

And let's hope Ellis dies a slow, torturous, bloody death at the hands of Anjelica Huston - SOW

HEADLINE OF THE CENTURY: Michael Jackson wanted to make babies with Xuxa - Hollywood Rag

I'm reading this as: the Gosselin kids were thisclose to convincing one of the crew members to adopt them all and TLC ruined everything by canceling their show - Videogum

Beyonce B.B.I.C. (Before Blue Ivy Carter) - Cityrag

Demi Moore got a job - I'm Not Obsessed

"Okay, who accidentally dropped their detachable balls on the carpet over here?" is probably the question someone asked 3 seconds before this picture was taken.

The engagement ring made from one of Jesus' kidney stones that is wrapped around one of Angie Jo's talons is going to have to wait a long time before it gets a visit from a wedding band. That's what Brad Pitt basically said during a press conference in Cannes for his new movie Killing Them Softly. (No, unfortunately, Killing Them Softly is not a sequel to the beautiful Heather Graham shit show Killing Me Softly.) According to People, a reporter asked Brad Pitt if they've set a wedding date yet, because he knows the angels up above are going to jizz over it and he'd really like to wear a hat umbrella that day. Brad Pitt answered like this:

"We have no date at all right now – there is no date. We're still hoping for marriage equality in the States before we [get married.]"

Translation: "We're going to milk another ten million tabloid covers out of this, so get used to Angie stabbing you with her body bones as she gets right on top of your nerves."

Brad has been saying since the beginning of Brangelina time that he and Angie will get married when everybody can get married...blah blah blah... What I don't understand is that why don't the Brangeloonies make this happen? A Brangelina wedding would be like Christmas wrapped in an orgasm to the Brangeloonies, so why don't they use their psychotic unrelenting powers for good? They should band together and travel from state to state, attacking all of the anti-gay marriage voters the same way they attack bitches online who say anything bad about their Gods. They would turn every NAY for gay marriage into YAY for gay marriage by sheer annoyance. That would be using their crazy for good and their life goal of seeing their GODS get married would be fulfilled!

I'm surprised they haven't done that already. It makes me question the Brangeloonies and I'm starting to think that it's all a myth. I'm starting to think that the Brangeloonies are really just one of Maddox's interns with an IP switcher. Say it ain't so!

It's been almost three years since I've slobbered all over wealthy hobo Lapo Elkann, who is rich for reasons I'm not sure of but I know it has something to do with Fiat (Note: That's the answer you should give when people ask you why JLo is so rich.), and now here's an update from a yacht in Cannes! Yes, Lapo still looks like he just dug himself out of a sand mountain with his eyes wide open the entire time. Yes, Lapo still looks like he conditions his hair with coke. Yes, I'm planning to etch the image of Lapo's bulge into the backside of all of my sunglass lenses. And finally, yes, I'm currently in negotiations with God to stop posting about Tan Mom if gives me the power to shapeshift into yacht water.