True Blood SPOILER ALERT! So if you don't want to know anything else, rip your eyeballs out and meet us in the front. The Hollywood Reporter (via People) says that Lafayette will finally get a little honey in his pot next season.

The producers of True Blood held a seance and resurrected Ugly Betty's Santos from the dead and cast him as Jesus (that's pronounced Heeeeeeey-sus if you take cream in your coffee). Kevin Alejandro will play Jesus, a hospital orderly who is caring for Lafayette's sick mother (played by Alfre Woodard). Jesus will be in almost every single episode in the upcoming third season.

Part of me (my no-no) was hoping that Eric and Lafayette would swirl it up in the third season, but I'll take this for now. And I'm still praying that my favorite True Blood character, the alley slut known as Randi Sue, somehow fucks her way into season 3.

Carmen Sandiego got the holidays off, because everybody was too busy trying to track down Tiger Woods and Elin Nordegren. Tiger was spotted everywhere from Miami to Africa to NYC to the middle of the ocean. If they wanted to find Tiger so badly, they should've just dropped a bag of Ambien along with a cocktail waitress on any random corner. Tiger's GPS system (aka his peen) would've led him to that corner in ten seconds flat.

Anyway, wherever Tiger was, Elin wasn't! Elin spent her holidays skiing in the French Alps with her twin sister Josefin and friends(pictures of her ass below).

According to the News of the World (via NYDN), Elin told her friends that she will soon be skiing on a mountain of cash, because she plans to collect almost $300 million from Tiger when she divorces him. When Elin's friends asked what Tiger got her for Christmas, Elin didn't say "genital warts" (which is probably what she really got), but she did say, "Three hundred million dollars, thank you very much."

The source went on to say, "She's 100% determined to split with Tiger. When she boasted of the '$300 million Christmas gift' and then laughed, it was clear to everyone around her that she's more focused than ever about moving on with her life."

YES! If this is true, then I'm glad to hear that Elin is finally pushing up her sleeves, grabbing the biggest shovel in the shed and dig dig digging for gold. Actually, she should throw the shovel at Tiger and force him to dig since he's the one that got them into this mess. Seriously, for every load Tiger dropped in one of his mistresses' vaginas, he should drop a giant load of cash into Elin's checking account.

Danny Gokey, the Lens Crafters fetishist from American Idol, recently Tweeted this picture of a MAAAAASSSIVE tattoo he got in memory of his wife who passed away last year.

If the Evil Queen from Snow White and Vera Wang's Glam Princess perfume bottle got tangled up in an Ed Hardy sweatshirt, it would look something like that. But it's the sentiment (and Tweet) that counts...right?

via ONTD

Gerard Butler can remove Warren Beatty's head shot from his "wall of idols," because Warren is shaking his head "no" to a claim that he once ate vagina for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and all his snacks. A new book out this week called "Star: How Warren Beatty Seduced America" claims that 72-year-old Warren got sexy with around 12,775 women.

The book's author, Peter Biskind, used his fourth grade education to come up with that number. He wrote, "Using simple arithmetic, Warren slept 12,775 women, give or take, a figure that does not include daytime quickies, drive-bys, casual gropings, stolen kisses and so on."

Wait. DRIVE-BY-FUCKING?! Warren might be pimp of the millennium if he's able to fornicate with a ho while he's in his car and she's sitting on her porch knitting mittens.

Warren's lawyer immediately issued a statement to HuffPo denouncing this shit as just a bunch of lies. According to him, the odometer on Warren's dick does not read 12, 775. Warren's lawyer said, "Mr. Biskind's tedious and boring book on Mr. Beatty was not authorized by Mr. Beatty and should not be published as an authorized biography. "It contains many false assertions and purportedly quotes Mr. Beatty as saying things he never said. Other media should not repeat things from the book on the assumption that they are true or that the book is an authorized biography."

For shits and tingles, let's pretend this is true and Warren's number really is 12,775. Let's also say that Warren turned his v-card in when he was 15. And we'll assume that Warren retired his fuck game in 1992 when he married Annette Bening. Based on that, Warren allegedly went through 319.3 vaginas a year for 40 years. And if Warren didn't hang up his penis in 1992, his number drops to 224.1 a year. Basically, Warren probably slept with your mom. That might explain why she has to "excuse herself to use the bathroom" every time Heaven Can Wait comes on TV.

Last week, Radar made everyone throw their TVs in the dumpster after they reported that legendary Zelda Rubinstein (Tangina in Poltergeist and Madame Serena in Teen Witch) was beginning the long sashay towards the light. A friend said that 76-year-old Zelda had been on life support at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center for about a month after two of her lungs and kidneys failed. The friend added that she was taken off life support and it was only a matter of time before 2009 claimed another victim. But a different friend tells Moviehole that everyone needs to stick their assholes in a bowl of ice water and stop being so dramatic, because it's not as bad as it seems.

The friend said, "She's OK. Vitals are good. She's apparently doing better. Internet sources exaggerated the story."

2010 brought her back to life! YES! Or maybe Zelda kicked 2009 in the dick and wouldn't let it take her. Not this time.

This house is definitely fucking clean. For now.

A microscopic view of the H1N1 Virus - justinbobby

Runners-up:

The dumb bitch thought the doctor said to put oinkment on her herp lesions.- OurMissC

Six degrees of Paris and bacon. - Plecostomus

Another fake lesbian coupling. When David Beckham sees this he aint gonna be over the moon - El Bastardo

via Daily Mail

Namata, Norway's King of R&B (I'll get back to you on what the R or B actually stands for)

Some of you might have already slipped (AND FALLEN) into Namata's smooth rhythms, but for those of you that haven't, grab a Neti Pot and get into this. All your sinuses will get clogged up as soon as you the hit the "play" button on his video for "Treasure In You (A Date Rape Anthem)." You know, I was really searching for a musical interpretation of R. Kelly's sex tape golden shower scene and I think I've finally found it in this shit!

Namata has the face of Flavor Flav's foot, the voice of Flavor Flav's asshole and the moves of Flavor Flav's penis (without Viagra). If this whole, "King of R&B" thing doesn't work out for Namata, I'm sure there's a paraplegic drill team in Norway that could use his choreography skills.

The background singer gets an honorable Hot Slut mention. Although, I don't know if she's singing or hollering out the window for the police.

And in case you need more Namata to get you through the day, here you go:

(For Vazduh)

Vanity (51)
Erin Cahill (30)
Julia Ormond (45)
Beth Gibbons of Portishead (45)
Dave Foley (47)
Till Lindemann (47)
Patrick Cassidy (48)
Michael Stipe (50)
Julian Sands (52)
Patty Loveless (53)
Tina Knowles (56)
Dyan Cannon (73)

Somewhere in the world Matthew McConaughey is handing out pink blunts to his friends to celebrate the birth of his new baby friend. 40-year-old Matthew announced on his website (which I got a contact high from) that his 26-year-old girlfriend Camila Alves gave birth to their daughter early today. Matthew took a hit and wrote:

Happy New Year everybody!!! On Sunday, Jan. 3rd at 12:13am, Camila gave birth to a healthy 7lb. 7oz. baby girl named "Vida Alves McConaughey".... Vida is Portuguese for "life" and that's what God gave us this morning... Camila's recovering wonderfully and we are both truly honored to welcome this little lady into our family... thanks for all your well wishes and prayers along the way. another blessed day. we give thanks. just keep livin, Matthew and Camila

Matthew and Camila already have a 17-month-old son named Levi, so I guess I was wrong in thinking that his sperm fishes just lay around watching Beavis & Butthead re-runs while finishing off an entire Frito-Lay variety pack. They actually get off their stoner asses.

And Matthew only named his daughter Vida Alves McConaughey, so he can call her VAM! And he'll fist pump every time he says it. VAM!

via People

It's comforting to know that Kanye West will continue to shout at the top of his CAPS LOCK KEY'S lungs for the next year and beyond. But I really shouldn't be surprised since Kanye's CAPS LOCK KEY will outlive us all. When the world ends in 2012, aliens from other planets will scour the planet for any sign of life and the only thing they will find is Kanye's CAPS LOCK KEY. And then they'll roll their eyes. You see! Kanye's CAPS LOCK KEY fuckery brings all the beings of the universe together!

Anyway, Kanye took to his blog today to loudly fart about how he's on Maya Angelou's tail and how all of us need to soak in positive forces. I'm guessing he means that we need to bong and booze more (which is what he was doing while writing this mess). It works for me.

And in 10 years, when your children ask you to read them a book, throw that shit in the garbage and read them Kanye's rants instead. Because Kanye's poetry is the only education your child needs. Yes, I've been drinking. To quote Kanye, LOL!!!