It’s a sad day in Pinche Putadom. Everyone is poised to pour one out for the loss of their leader, notorious jet-hopping-for-dick forever single serial ho Cameron Diaz at the news that she may be engaged (!!!) to her boyfriend,
Anemic Sunday Comics Pillsbury Doughboy Benji Madden. Of course, liquor is precious and delicious and they’re not stupid so they’ve pressed pause on the pour until they actually see her ass sporting a veil on the cover of People.
Cameron took a day off from preaching pussy gospel (bush is beautiful!! Can I get an amen! No?) to attend the Academy’s Hollywood Costume luncheon in LA on Wednesday, and hos at E! noticed that she had a little sumpin-sumpin shiny on THAT finger, sparking rumors that she was ready to trade her sucia card in for a life of domestic bliss. I’m no expert, but to me that sounds a lot like trading your Miata convertible in on a minivan so I’m not going to ask Cameron to be my financial advisor anytime soon.
It’s hard to believe that Cammy would go from hitting and quitting Justin Timberlake and Alex Rodriguez to settling down with a guy like Benji. I mean, look at him. Dude has to be seriously packing, or maybe he just seems that way to her after humping on Alex’s little roid rod for so long. Or maybe it was the unique ring, which looks suspiciously like a sparkling peen on the verge of plunging into an extra large vagina. Yeah that’s got to be it. That would totally win me over.
Dane Cook must’ve looked at all the free attention Daniel Tosh got for that whole “Wouldn’t it be funny if 5 guys raped her right now?” thing and thought to himself, “I can do that too!” And he did at The Laugh Factory in L.A. last night when he tried out this joke:
“I heard that the guy came into the theater about 25 minutes into [The Dark Knight Rises]. And I don’t know if you’ve seen the movie, but the movie’s pretty much a piece of crap. Yeah, spoiler alert. I know that if none of that would have happened, I’m pretty sure that somebody in that theater, about 25 minutes in realizing it was a piece of crap, probably was like, ‘Ugh, fucking shoot me.'”
The comedian he stole that joke from should be ashamed of themselves! But really, Dane Cook has a point. The Dark Knight Rises was a total piece of crap compared to the cinematic brilliance of Employee of the Month.
UPDATE: Dane Cook’s ass farted out an apology today, “I made a bad judgment call with my material last night & regret making a joke at such a sensitive time. My heart goes out to all of the families & friends of the victims.”