Category: This Belongs In A Museum

It’s A Sad Day In The Enchanted Forest When A Love Affair Between A Gnome And A Giant Ends

May 12, 2011 / Posted by:

Usually the fairytale romance between a New York gnome and a Ukrainian ogre cannot be, but I had hopes that Hayden Panettiere and Wladmir Klitschko would prove everybody wrong. They didn’t. The midget Kimber Henry and the Tom Thumb of Eastern Europe have announced that after two years of using free-standing ladders and a boost from strangers to kiss each other on the mouth, they have ended their relationship. Our only hope that troll and giant relations can last forever now solely lies on the shoulders of the Jolly Green Giant and his bottom ho Little Green Sprout.

The end of their love had nothing to do with the fact that Hayden was sick and tired of checking into a doll hospital to have her internal organs arranged in their correct positions every time she fucked on Wladmir. No, the problem was that while she’s flying all over the world as a route marker on the Amazing Race, Wladmir is in Europe, punching bitches in the face for a check. It was never going to work. Miss Lollipop Guild of 2011 gave this statement to People about their break up.

“Even though we’ve decided splitting up is best for both of us, we have an amazing amount of love and respect for each other and remain very close friends.

Wladmir also released his own paragraph of words: “We had a great time together, but it’s not that easy to manage a relationship between two continents. I have a lot of respect for Hayden as a person and as a friend, and I believe we’ll keep our friendship even after the separation.”

This is a sad one for me. When a hunk of a Ukrainian man can do ass-to-mouth with you without even pulling out, you make it work!

Hayden is obviously not crying over shit, because here she is hanging out with her friends, Pinata Tinkerbell and faceless Mona Lisa, in L.A. yesterday.

Hayden Panettiere’s Fans Don’t Understand How She Has Sex With Her Giant Boyfriend

April 12, 2011 / Posted by:

Hayden Panettiere is 5’1″ and her boyfriend Wladimir Klitschko is 6’6″, so the image of her balancing on all fours on two plastic crates while he hits it from the back might fill your head when topic of them having sex comes up, but we pretty much know how it works. Right? Right. But some of Hayden’s fans need to be taken into the corner and given a sex ed. class using a treasure troll doll and a Stretch Armstrong, because they have no idea. The mystery of how the elf mounts the giant plagues them so!

Hayden was on Ellen (via UsWeekly) today and talked about how some of her fans ask her how it works. Hayden basically tells them my life motto: where there’s a peen, there’s a way!

“He is quite a bit bigger than me. I get the prudest people coming up to me and they’re like, ‘Does it work?’ Yeah, it works. We find a way. Where there is a will, there is a way!

[The people who ask me how sex works with my boyfriend] are very conservative people most of the time but that just have to know. Like, ‘I have to know, I just have to ask you this question. I’m really sorry but…'”

It’s really not that hard, people. Wladimir lies very still on a hard surface and two trapeze artists hang from silk ropes on either side of Hayden. Then a couple of leprechauns with steady hands hold Wladimir’s dick up as the trapeze artists gently lower Hayden on top. But they can’t put her down all the way or Wladimir will do vag-to-mouth without even pulling out. Internal organs would get rearranged and tonsils would get knocked out… It wouldn’t be a good thing. There’s always an ambulance from the doll hospital standing by if that ever happens. SEE! Simple!

Hayden Panettiere Keeps Her Nips Under Wraps

January 17, 2011 / Posted by:

Knowing very well that the Keebler elves will go wild at the sight of troll nipples, Hayden Panettiere kept it demure by slapping pasties on her well-oiled pecs before walking the carpet at HBO’s afterparty for the you knowwhats last night. Hayden is a card carrying member of the Lollipop Guild so she has access to every single glittery sticker under Lisa Frank’s rainbow and yet she still chooses a pair of bland nip covers? What a sad waste. But I guess if my boyfriend could fuck me in the belly button while we’re both standing up, I’d be busy doing that instead of worrying about stupid shit like pasties.

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She Can Fly, She Can Fly

April 23, 2010 / Posted by:

Hayden Pantytroll is one step closer to touring civic light operas across the country as Sandy Duncan AS Peter Pan thanks to this new haircut she debuted at an Avatar Earth Day party in Los Angeles last night.

Methinks Hayden’s giant Russian boyfriend Wladimir Klitschko persuaded her to get the cut, so that their kinky role playing sessions (examples: Hayden as Jack & Wladimir as The Beanstalk, Hayden as Little Sprout & Wladimir as Jolly Green Giant, etc…) will be more realistic. Dirty raunchy freaks! Get it, I guess.

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