Category: This Belongs In A Museum

Cruella de Stone And Other Tricks At Last Night’s WHCD

April 28, 2013 / Posted by:

It really isn’t a Hollywood event until Sharon Stone shows up looking like she just skinned an animal alive before throwing its pelt onto her shoulders. Where was Goopy’s stylist with a pube-shaving razor, because Sharon’s jacket looks like a Kardashian merkin. How dreadful. And I can almost hear her feet crying out in humiliation from wearing those ugly ass peep-toe booties. While I appreciate it when a ho shows up looking like a wicked witch dominatrix at a funeral, the only way this look would’ve worked is if Sharon turned into a murder of crows at the end of the night.

The only time it’s okay to wear an outfit like this is if you’re about to pull out Kristen Stewart’s stoner heart in your medieval lair or you’re about to terrorize a bunch of Dalmatian puppies. That orange eyeshadow too… Did Sharon Stone really want her eyes to look like two sore b-holes in need of some Prep H?

With all that being said, Sharon was still the hottest messy bitch there, because everybody else showed up wearing boring rejected dresses from awards season. In order after Cruella de Stone: Rebel Wilson, Sofia Vergara, Hayden Pantyairs, Nicole Kidman, Barbra Streisand’s tits with James Brolin and Donna Karan, Kerry Washington, Psy, Julie Bowen, Claire Danes with Hugh Dancy, some Duck Dynasty people, Anne Burrell Patricia Arquette, Katy Perry, Kate Mara, Natalie Dormer, the matron of the Death Eaters, Julia Louis-Dreyfus and Gerard Butler with Piers Morgan.

Hayden Panettiere Deflating Titty Balls Might Need Some Air In Them

April 1, 2013 / Posted by:

This is why tiny blond gnomes should never get their titties done by a disbarred plastic surgeon in the dark part of the Enchanted Forest.

Hayden Panettiere spent her Easter Sunday frolicking on the beach in Miami without her hot beanstalk-sized fiancee. Watching Nashville (a wet layer of shame covers me every time I type those words) made me like Hayden Panatroll, so it hurts the nipples on my soul seeing her chichis look like they could win the grand prize in a Tori Spelling’s Tits look-alike contest. Hayden’s giant fiancé should raise his knee and stomp on the office of the plastic surgeon who made it look like she’s got ten handfuls of Ruffles stuffed into her chest. I should not look at Hayden’s tits and say, “Oh, so you got The Tori?” This is gnome abuse and it ain’t right.

On a positive note, Hayden’s exquisite rhinestone belly ring and elegantly-designed craft project two piece IS the look.

The Jolly Green Giant And Little Green Sprout Are Getting Married!

March 27, 2013 / Posted by:

The fairy tale creatures of the Enchanted Forest all experienced a case of the hard nips in January when they heard that their gnome queen Hayden Panettiere and their giant king Wladimir Klitschko got back together. And now they’re nipples are going to explode once they hear that their gnome queen and their giant king are getting married. UsWeekly says that Wladimir, pulled out a ring, got down on one knee laid down on the ground and asked Hayden to marry him. Because you just can’t say no to a giant who can finger you from across the room, she said yes!

The source tells UsWeekly that 23-year-old Hayden and 37-year-old Wladimir got engaged recently and she’s not wearing the ring, but they’re currently planning a summer wedding. The source says that Hayden and Wladimir are keeping it a secret, because even they know that nobody gives a shit. No, I give a shit, because they’ve always been one of my favorite couples.

I mean, she can use his dick as a chin-up bar and he can wipe his wet pits on her head while she’s standing up. That’s love! They’re the perfect couple. I can’t wait for their wedding, because I really want to see the enchanted forest birds pick her up by her dress and fly her up to his mouth when the preacher says, “You may now kiss the troll!

All Is Well In The Enchanted Forest Again

February 21, 2013 / Posted by:

Almost two years ago, a dark cloud covered the Enchanted Forest and all the woodland creatures cried for days after their favorite Jolly Ukrainian Giant and the golden child of Rosie Cotton and Ernest J. Keebler broke up. But the dark clouds have cleared up and the woodland creatures are farting up rainbow-colored hearts again, because 5’2″ Hayden Panettiere and 6’6″ Wladimir Klitschko are back together again.

The other day, that human mountain of rock hard hotness Wladimir worked a hard stick on the ocean while Hayden walked her dog (which I’m assuming is a teacup mouse dog since she can pick it up) near his condo in Hollywood, FL. People says that after Wladimir impressed dolphin activist Hayden by head butting a killer shark until it dropped a dolphin from its mouth, he took her to the Taco Beach Shack near his condo. A source says that Wladimir and Hayden had 8 mahi mahi tacos, a Coke and a margarita, and he left a $20 tip on a $20 bill. (Yes, the REAL story here is that they got 8 mahi mahi tacos, a coke and a margarita for only $20!)

Hayden and Wladimir have always been one of my favorite couples. Nothing pleases me more like picturing her climb up his hood rock of a body for a kiss the same way a tiny, adorable monkey climbs up a palm tree for a coconut. When they take a shower together and she accidentally slips down the drain, he can scoop her out with his pinky finger. Hayden has to stretch for at least 4 hours and they have to use Pilates equipment when they try to 69. I am not ashamed to admit that I love their Jolly Green Giant and Little Sprout union. But I am really ashamed to admit that: a) I watch Nashville and; b) Hayden’s my favorite thing about Nashville.

I felt an ugly kind of shame when I clicked “buy” after the iTunes pop-box asked me something like, “You are about to download the song ‘Love Like Mine,’ are you sure?

Which Giant Piece Is Hayden Panettiere Climbing On Today?

June 8, 2011 / Posted by:

Hayden Pantiesupintheair immediately denied the rumor that Mark Sanchez tossed her across the room, ran to the other side and caught her gnome-gina with his peen. UsWeekly says that Hayden is telling the truth about that, because she’s getting on a different player from the New York Jets. The tramp of the treasure troll world was seen yesterday in West Hollywood with the Jets wide receiver Scotty McKnight.

A source says that when Hayden was seen at In-N-Out with Mark Sanchez on Memorial Day in Laguna Beach, Scotty McKnight was with them. When UsWeekly asked Hayden about the Mark Sanchez thing a few days ago, she said, “I’m a huge Jets fan and became very good friends with Mark and his buddies. I’ve always been that girl who has a lot of dude friends. I’m into sports so we have a lot in common.

If Hayden is the pass around patty for the New York Jets, I swear I’m going to go into the enchanted forest and beg the wish fairy (or Gay Al) to turn me into a dolphin-loving, stumpy elf who has the boyish charm of Cathy Rigby. Some trolls get all the luck (and football dick).

Hayden is starting a serious athlete fetish. If she traded her soul and morals in for a hippo ass, a Species face, and a whorey baby voice, Kris Jenner would totally adopt her.

Hayden Panetroll Is Already On To The Next Giant

May 31, 2011 / Posted by:

It was just a quick second ago when Hayden Panettiere climbed down her Ukrainian tree trunk of a boyfriend and made all her internal organs breathe a collective sigh of relief when she broke it off for good. Hayden’s kidney knows it’s not natural for it to get poked by a giant penis and it needs time to recover from this traumatic experience. But UsWeekly says that Hayden is not giving her kidney or any of her other organs time to heal, because she’s already climbed on to another giant.

Hayden was seen at In-N-Out in Laguna Hills, CA with New York Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez yesterday afternoon. One source says they are just friends. But a different source says that there’s something there and the two flirted with each other at an Oscar party back in February when she was still with Wladimir Klitschko.

I was unaware until now that there comes a time in every gay man’s life when he finds himself jealous of little Sarah Roberts from One Life to Live. I mean, Hayden just finishing riding a Ukrainian dick that probably had veins so strong that they could sprain a coochie muscle just by throbbing a bit. And now, she’s diving crotch first on Mark Sanchez’s hot ass?! How the hell does she keep pulling these hot pieces? Do I have to chop off my legs, install hard cutlets into my chest and learn Elvish in order to get some hot dick? If so, get me a saw and a Rosetta Stone subscription.

It’s A Sad Day In The Enchanted Forest When A Love Affair Between A Gnome And A Giant Ends

May 12, 2011 / Posted by:

Usually the fairytale romance between a New York gnome and a Ukrainian ogre cannot be, but I had hopes that Hayden Panettiere and Wladmir Klitschko would prove everybody wrong. They didn’t. The midget Kimber Henry and the Tom Thumb of Eastern Europe have announced that after two years of using free-standing ladders and a boost from strangers to kiss each other on the mouth, they have ended their relationship. Our only hope that troll and giant relations can last forever now solely lies on the shoulders of the Jolly Green Giant and his bottom ho Little Green Sprout.

The end of their love had nothing to do with the fact that Hayden was sick and tired of checking into a doll hospital to have her internal organs arranged in their correct positions every time she fucked on Wladmir. No, the problem was that while she’s flying all over the world as a route marker on the Amazing Race, Wladmir is in Europe, punching bitches in the face for a check. It was never going to work. Miss Lollipop Guild of 2011 gave this statement to People about their break up.

“Even though we’ve decided splitting up is best for both of us, we have an amazing amount of love and respect for each other and remain very close friends.

Wladmir also released his own paragraph of words: “We had a great time together, but it’s not that easy to manage a relationship between two continents. I have a lot of respect for Hayden as a person and as a friend, and I believe we’ll keep our friendship even after the separation.”

This is a sad one for me. When a hunk of a Ukrainian man can do ass-to-mouth with you without even pulling out, you make it work!

Hayden is obviously not crying over shit, because here she is hanging out with her friends, Pinata Tinkerbell and faceless Mona Lisa, in L.A. yesterday.

Hayden Panettiere’s Fans Don’t Understand How She Has Sex With Her Giant Boyfriend

April 12, 2011 / Posted by:

Hayden Panettiere is 5’1″ and her boyfriend Wladimir Klitschko is 6’6″, so the image of her balancing on all fours on two plastic crates while he hits it from the back might fill your head when topic of them having sex comes up, but we pretty much know how it works. Right? Right. But some of Hayden’s fans need to be taken into the corner and given a sex ed. class using a treasure troll doll and a Stretch Armstrong, because they have no idea. The mystery of how the elf mounts the giant plagues them so!

Hayden was on Ellen (via UsWeekly) today and talked about how some of her fans ask her how it works. Hayden basically tells them my life motto: where there’s a peen, there’s a way!

“He is quite a bit bigger than me. I get the prudest people coming up to me and they’re like, ‘Does it work?’ Yeah, it works. We find a way. Where there is a will, there is a way!

[The people who ask me how sex works with my boyfriend] are very conservative people most of the time but that just have to know. Like, ‘I have to know, I just have to ask you this question. I’m really sorry but…’”

It’s really not that hard, people. Wladimir lies very still on a hard surface and two trapeze artists hang from silk ropes on either side of Hayden. Then a couple of leprechauns with steady hands hold Wladimir’s dick up as the trapeze artists gently lower Hayden on top. But they can’t put her down all the way or Wladimir will do vag-to-mouth without even pulling out. Internal organs would get rearranged and tonsils would get knocked out… It wouldn’t be a good thing. There’s always an ambulance from the doll hospital standing by if that ever happens. SEE! Simple!

Hayden Panettiere Keeps Her Nips Under Wraps

January 17, 2011 / Posted by:

Knowing very well that the Keebler elves will go wild at the sight of troll nipples, Hayden Panettiere kept it demure by slapping pasties on her well-oiled pecs before walking the carpet at HBO’s afterparty for the you knowwhats last night. Hayden is a card carrying member of the Lollipop Guild so she has access to every single glittery sticker under Lisa Frank’s rainbow and yet she still chooses a pair of bland nip covers? What a sad waste. But I guess if my boyfriend could fuck me in the belly button while we’re both standing up, I’d be busy doing that instead of worrying about stupid shit like pasties.

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She Can Fly, She Can Fly

April 23, 2010 / Posted by:

Hayden Pantytroll is one step closer to touring civic light operas across the country as Sandy Duncan AS Peter Pan thanks to this new haircut she debuted at an Avatar Earth Day party in Los Angeles last night.

Methinks Hayden’s giant Russian boyfriend Wladimir Klitschko persuaded her to get the cut, so that their kinky role playing sessions (examples: Hayden as Jack & Wladimir as The Beanstalk, Hayden as Little Sprout & Wladimir as Jolly Green Giant, etc…) will be more realistic. Dirty raunchy freaks! Get it, I guess.

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