Michelle Obama to herself: “I will never be as ravishing or as glamorous as her.” Chantal Biya (whose magnetic follicles reaches in and grabs the thoughts of those around her) to Michelle: “I know.”
The First Lady of Cameroooooooooon floated on the sun’s rays to Tarrytown, NY today to lunch with Michelle Obama and the other first ladies of the world. They were supposed to feast on fresh vegetables from the White House garden and eggs from the Stone Barns Center, but the only feasting that went on was the other ladies eating up Chantal’s protein-rich beauty. They pushed their plates aside and took in the heat wafting off of her flaming hair halo. And then they marveled at the fact that her eyebrows are as delicate as a gazelle’s clitoris. With Chantal, you get a meal and a show.
And you know the sheeps at the farm shaved themselves out of shame. They know that they can never be as fluffy as the cloud of lusciousness on Chantal’s head.
The Eiffel Tower will be dark for the rest of the week, because it knows very well that it can never compete with the blazing torch of glorious flames on top of the First Lady of Cameroooooon’s perfectly sculpted head! A torch that illuminates the artistic strokes of exquisiteness over her eyes and that burns the jealous looks that come flying at her at all times. The movie Paris is Burning needs to change its title, because this is what setting France on fire really looks like. And this never goes out.
Here’s the most gorgeous woman in the world Chantal Biya visiting France on a charity mission to throw some glamour on that drab Carla Bruni. NO! Chantal is there with the other First Ladies of Africa to celebrate Bastille Day. Even though some of the other First Ladies brought their A game with basket weave dresses (Seriously, is that chick in the yellow wearing some a-tisket a-tasket shit?) and peek-a-boo hairlines, Chantal still rules over all of them.
Here we have President Obama, Michelle Obama, Spanish Prime Minister José Luis Rodríguez Zapatero, his wife and their two teenage goth daughters at the world leaders reception in NYC. GLAMOUR! Oh, how this takes my ass back to the days when we would listen to Morrissey while painting our nails black and covering our faces with baby powder. Yeah, I tried to be goth for a quick minute, but it didn’t really work out. I was way too cunty (in a mean girl way) and listened to way too much Ace of Base. I just didn’t have that “whole sad dead clown” act down. But the first daughters of Spain do!
This awesome picture of them has actually caused some shit, because Prime Minister Zapatero doesn’t allow any of the Spanish papers to run pictures of his daughters. However, once this picture hit the wires it was on the front page of some Spanish papers and in almost everybody’s inbox. PM Zapatero shouldn’t spaz out. They’re just goth girls. They’re everywhere. You can see a mob of them in the food court at the mall looking all sullen-like and poking at their coffin purses.
And you know who else was there that night too? The one and only First Lady of Cameroooooooon Chantal Biya!
Ravishing from the top of her lion mane to the tips of her toes. The lioness came out that night and I can hear her exquisite eyebrows ROOOOOAAAAAR! And Chantal knows it. She has a look on her face like “Yeah, I got THIS.” AND HOW!
Seriously, that was the party to be at. Chantal Biya and adorable Spanish goth girls! If they had an Andre champagne fountain, that would’ve been heaven.
Camerooooooooooon! Thanks to RuPaul and Bebe Zahara Benet, “Camerooooon” is my favorite thing to sing all day and night. Whenever it rolls off my tongue, I instantly think of a macaroon instead which makes me hungry, which leads me to the kitchen, which makes search for something resembling a macaroon, which causes me to settle for a handful of dried coconut flakes instead. For a second I’m distracted by the coconut flakes, but then my mind immediately wants my mouth to say “Camerooooooon” again. Repeat.
Anyway, the First Lady of Camerooooon, Chantal Biya, brought her beauty out today to say farewell to Pope Eggs Benedict who was visiting her country.
The lions must bow down and weep at their own averageness every time they come into contact with Chantal Biya’s luscious mane. Not to mention her glorious eyebrows that artists spend decades trying to recreate in paintings. Exquisiteness.
And in the first thumbnail below, how many people do you think it took to get Chantal up after she bowed to the Pope?