It feels like it was just two seconds ago when the walking and walking ABC after-school special Jamie Lynn Spears was announcing that she got knocked up on the cover of a tabloid and now here’s her 21-year-old ass announcing that she’s marrying a dude who looks like he has a nickname for all his cars, closes down the bar at T.G.I. Friday’s every Saturday night and calls every dude he knows “champ.”
Brit Brit’s little sister announced on Instagram (via UsWeekly) that she’s getting hitched to her 30-year-old boyfriend of 3 years Jamie Watson. Yes, another damn Jamie. So when Jamie Lynn Spears moans out the name “JAY-MEEE” while getting it on, she’s screaming out her name, her man’s name and her dad’s name. That’s not creepy at all!
Jamie was engaged to that Casey Whatshisname, the father of her daughter Maddie, for a quick second, but they broke up for good in 2010. UsWeekly didn’t say what Jamie Watson does for a living, but if he doesn’t get a regular paycheck by playing a midwestern white husband accused of murdering his wife in crime show reenactments, he has missed his calling. And yeah, he’s 30. Let’s just assume that Jamie Lynn used the Benjamin Button Instagram filer on that picture.
JL also Instagrammed a close-up of the ring:
To answer your question, yes, that’s the nicest ring Claire’s has to offer. But now what I want to know is, when did Jamie Lynn start looking like every contestant on the Bachelor?
One of the original Teen Moms, Jamie Lynn Spears, is trying to become a country star and has been trying to pay her dues by singing at bars in Nashville. During a showcase at Nashville’s 3rd and Lindsley Bar & Grill last night, Jay-meeeeeeeeeeee Liiiiiiiiiiiin (Note: Every time you say her name you should shout it out of the window while holding a dinner bell) warbled out a song she wrote for the older sister who paved the road that led to that Nickelodeon show. The song is called “I Look Up To You” and I wish Jamie Lynn would take a quick second from looking up to Brit Brit to look down at Brit Brit, so she can tell that ho to burn those fugilicious UGGs.
It makes sense why Jamie Lynn wants to be a country star. Jamie Lynn looks Carrie Underwood-ish in the face and sounds like a deaf Taylor Swift (that’s saying a lot). I know it’s the thought that counts (which is a sugary way of saying “keep your thoughts to yourself”), but this shit is NO “He’s My Brother.”
So Jamie Lynn Spears and Casey Aldridge (the one who forgot to pull out) broke up. UsWeekly says it’s so. And I’m saying that I didn’t think they were together anymore. I was under the impression that Casey was no longer parking his pick-up on Jamie’s front lawn anymore. I was wrong, because they only broke up within the past 4 months. And Jamie Lynne’s already found a new dude to push her cart at the Piggy Wiggly and share a jar of moonshine with.
According to Star Magazine, 18-year-old Jamie Lynn has been bumping pork rinds with a 28-year-old well-to-do local businessman named James Watson. No, James is not the town’s weed man of choice. James apparently owns his own company. A source explains, “He installs communications equipment and high-definition TVs for large corporations.” Translation: Bitch installs satellites on the lip of your roof for Dish Network.
The source went on to say, “They started dating last December. I don’t think James cares at all about who she is; they really seem to like each other.”
It’s hard for me to throw hate at Jamie Lynn, because she can easily pimp out her baby by starring in a TLC reality show and posing in pictorials for Life & Style every season. But Jamie Lynn chose to keep her country ass in the country. So if she wants to diddle on some 28-year-old dick to get free satellite and pay-per-view, let her!
It’s been nearly two weeks since we’ve seen Brit Brit’s hocks and loins stuffed into a bikini and I was beginning to get worried (not really). Thank Cheesus Brit Brit was back in a two piece while vacationing with Jamie Lynn, Daddy Spears and the rest of her family in Miami. Yeah, it was a little family reunion. I’m sure they nibbled on possum croquettes and beef jerky ceviche while comparing skidmarks. Regular family bonding stuff.
Here’s more of Our Lady of Cheetos with all her favorite Cheetolings yesterday. And no, that fourth martini you had at lunch is not the reason why these pictures are blurry. They’re just like that.
We haven’t heard much from Jamie Lynn Spears lately. I guess homegirl has just been down in the south, raising her baby, eating jerky and laying low. Well, unfortunately this isn’t the greatest update on Jamie Lynn. You see, at around 1:30 this morning Jamie Lynn’s baby daddy (I’m trying so hard to slowly retire that phrase, but it’s hard), Casey Aldridge, was driving back home from a fishing trip with his friends when he lost control of his F-250 truck and it flipped over. Moonshine was not involved. I think.
Casey reportedly got pretty messed up in the crash and he was immediately airlifted to the Riverland Medical Facility in Ferriday, LA. TMZ says he’s stable condition now, but that it could’ve been pretty fucking bad. Some reports claim Casey suffered a major brain injury and had to undergo surgery, but one of his family members told TMZ that wasn’t the case. Casey did suffer a minor skull fracture, but he did not go to surgery. They are keeping an eye on him and will hopefully release him in a few days.
Casey’s three friends also got fucked up, but not nearly as bad.
Jamie Lynn is currently with Casey, feeding him Jello, watching Monster Truck rallies with him and making sure he’s all better for court shit. After the crash, the cops charged Casey with careless
whisper operation of a motor vehicle, a misdemeanor.
Weeeed Eater! Weeeeed Eater ! Sorry. Seeing that sort of made me excited.
Anytrashy, Lynne Spears needs more people! First we heard that Jamie Lynn IS knocked up! Then we heard it was just Taco Bell gas and she isn’t carrying! Now some bitch is saying Jamie Lynn IS pregnant, but is denying it to buy some time.
With all eyes on Brit Brit‘s nekkid greasy chicken bone ass lately and Jamie Lynn no longer in the spotlight for being a knocked up 16 year old, she must have gotten a little jealous and needed to steal Our Lady of Cheeto’s thunder by being a knocked up 17-YEAR-OLD.
The National Enquirer claims that one of Jamie Lynn’s hillbilly family members has confirmed that she went and got herself knocked up. Jamie Lynn told the family member that it’s Casey Aldridge’s, but we all know what happens down on the bayou. Cousins get horny, daddies gets lonely. I STILL can’t believe she could let some dude squirt his baby batter all up inside her trashy hillbilly teen ass AGAIN and think that nothing would happen. Maybe Zoey 101 should have been titled Dumb Pregnant Teenage Bitch 101.
This close family member (who is probably her cousin/uncle/half-brother) goes on to say that Casey was pissed when he found out about the pregnancy through the media instead of straight out his baby mama’s mouf. Well, no shit! Who could blame the fucktard for being pissed? How’d you like it if the rest of the world knew before you did that your underage concubine was pregnant with your second child and that you were too stupid to work a condom? Cue Casey saying, “Condom? Whut’s thet? Ahs jest pull out befo’ ahs drop!”
The family member continued to run their yap saying that, “Jamie Lynn’s mom is furious about the pregnancy and she’s livid the news leaked out, especially during her book tour. Lynne doesn’t want to talk about it publicly until they sort this out. Jamie Lynn is being pressured by people very close to her to abort. But no decision has been made yet.”
Lynne not wanting to talk about something publicly? Translation: Lynne is not ready to talk about it to the tabloids until the right price is met.
Here’s Jamie Lynn at WaMa (aka Wal-Mart) in Mississippi yesterday. Hopefully, she’s buying an economy-sized pack of condoms and Spermicide. Her “Yoga Makes Me Flexible” t-shirt says it all. That’s what got her into this mess!
Jamie Lynn might not be carrying a hillbilly tot after all. An “impeachable source” tells TMZ that JL is not knocked up. Damn. Personally, I won’t believe it either way until I hear it from the uterus’ mouth. Sorry for the gross visual.
You know, I was just writing a letter to JL letting her know in detail what causes pregnancy. I was also going to tell her that the vinegar method hardly ever works. Don’t know what I’m talking about? Read this shit from Yahoo! Answers:
What are some other ways for teens not to get pregnant, Are there nore ways?
My friend told me, Right after her and her boyfriend have had sex and she knows that heh came in her she drinks vinegar right away and I don’t thinks vinegar works, or does it.
The chick’s friend is doing it all wrong! If you don’t want to get pregnant, you’re supposed to pour the vinegar on your belly. Not drink it! DUH!
I guess the rubber band around Casey’s plastic baggie condom wasn’t tight enough, because The National Enquirer claims Jamie Lynn Spears has done got knocked up again! Hit me baby one more time! A source said that 17-year-old Jamie Lynn is about eight weeks pregnant. She popped out Maddie Briann almost four months ago.
The source went on to say that friends are begging Jamie Lynn to get an abortion. “They’ve reminded Jamie Lynn how much trouble she had adjusting to motherhood with Maddie, and pointed out that having a second baby now would only be a recipe for disaster.” No, it would be a recipe for hillbilly comedy!
Jamie Lynn was “shocked” to learn she got knocked up because she believed “she couldn’t get pregnant while she was breast-feeding.” Jamie Lynn was expecting to get her period in September, but when Aunt Flo didn’t come knocking, she ran out, bought a pregnancy test and it came back positive. Oh and by “Aunt Flo” I mean her period blood. Jamie Lynn probably has an Aunt Flo, so I’m just clearing that up.
SHOCKED to learn?! Getting knocked up again is the least of her problems. She really should be worried about the fact that her brains are made of dried chitterlings. Stupid ass Jamie Lynn. Somebody needs to tell her that when the snake goes into the cave without protection and barfs in it, there’s a chance that a baby flower might grow inside of you. Don’t put it that way when you tell her, because she’ll think you’re talking about a real snake. The dumb bitch!
The source said that Jamie Lynn and Lynne Spears tried to keep the news secret before they figured out what to do. Translation: Lynn Spears is trying to figure out how she can make the most money off of this shit!
Congratulations, Jamie Lynn! You actually found a way to out-trash Brit Brit! Give yourself an extra helping of pork rind pie for that!
A federal porn investigation has been launched after a picture of Jamie Lynn Spears breast feeding was stolen. Ewww. First of all, if you’re at all interested in seeing a picture of JL feeding her baby, then do us all a favor and go to your nearest free clinic. Ask them about their complimentary psychiatry services. All you have to do is tell them that you really want to see a picture of 17-year-old Jamie Lynn Spears’ post-pregnancy titty squirting out Kool-Aid and leche. They will immediately escort you to a back room and we won’t hear from you for a few months, but it will be for the best.
According to TMZ, Casey Aldridge took several pictures with his digital camera of Jamie Lynn with her baby. One picture showed Jamie Lynn breast feeding with her left chichi out in the open. Casey, who has chitterlings for brains, took the memory card down to their local WA-MA (aka Wal-Mart) for copies. Someone at WA-MA made extra copies and then tried to sell them.
JL is a minor, so the bitches buying and selling the pictures of her exposed breast could find themselves in federal prison for violating federal porn laws.
Federal and local authorities are trying to find the person who stole the pictures. Brit Brit’s lawyers also considering going after WA-MA.
Instead of going to WA-MA to get copies of JL’s titty, Casey should also go to the free clinic for a fucking brain transplant. Of course bitches are going to steal the pictures and try to sell them. Shit. Lynne Spears is probably behind this! Anything for an extra buck.
And I really should consider getting a part-time job at a photo processing place. They see the best and most fucked-up shit!
Last week, the coppers played a stupid trick on the paparazzi at LAX. Jamie Lynn, Maddie and her mother all arrived in Los Angeles on a Delta flight. They were allowed to exit the plane onto the tarmac, where a car waited for them and whisked them off to Brit Brit’s Cheeto Palace.
The cops said this would have never happened if she didn’t have a baby with her. Instead of just leaving it at that, the cops asked a woman on the flight to pretend to be Jamie Lynn in order to fool the paps. The chick agreed and seven police officers escorted her out of the airport. The paps fell for it.
A rep for LAX tells E! News that an investigation into the incident has been opened. “It is not the policy or practice for Airport Police to provide a celebrity decoy. Airport Police has opened an internal investigation of the incident and will take appropriate administrative action if warranted. Los Angeles World Airports policy prohibits special courtesies to be provided to celebrities, unless extenuating circumstances such threat of danger to the individual or the safety of the general public are involved.”
How were the paps bamboozled? This broad doesn’t really look like Jamie Lynn. They should’ve just thrown her a meat on a stick and when she didn’t dive for it, they would have known she wasn’t JL.
Instead of investigating this stupid shit, LAX needs to spend their time building more places to eat! Whenever I’m there, I can never find delicious things to stuff my fat face with. There’s ten million Starbucks, but not even one In-N-Out. It’s L.A.! Although, there is a shuttle at LAX that will take you to a nearby In-N-Out. Must remember this.