Our future president Kanye West is everywhere. Go pee. Right now. I guarantee you he’ll be in your damn shower. Hopefully he didn’t bring that wife. In the latest It’s Yeezy’s World news, President Obama gave him some advice on running for POTUS, and Kanye showed up to American Idol.
Kanye West headlined the Glastonbury Festival on Saturday night, and British comedian Simon Brodkin bum-rushed the show as his “Lee Nelson” character. Instead of realizing he’s had this coming for a long time and playing along, Kanye acted like a gaping asshole. Which is not a character. He had security yank Brodkin away. He also demanded that the guy backstage who pushes the play button press pause so he could start “Black Skinhead” over again. Cut to a Scientology-approved yert in which Beck is nodding approvingly. Then cut over to Karlie Kloss’ hotel room where Taylor Swift is French-braiding Karlie’s hair and beginning every sentence with “Imma let you finish but Lee Nelson had…” before tee-hee-heeing.
“Lee Nelson” mimed that he was rapping during his brief appearance and those mere seconds were better than any performance that Kanye has ever given. There was more life, more soul, more spirit in Mr. Brodkin’s actions than in anything Kanye has ever done. Kanye realized this. Seeking validation, he later informed the crowd that they were “watching the greatest living rock star on the planet!” The definition of humble:
Glastonbury was equally problematic for Kim Kardashian West. Some resourceful youngster in the crowd made a flag depicting Kim Kardashian sucking off Ray J.
Finally! That sex tape that ruined all of our lives is useful.
Check out Kuntye and wife boarding a helicopter for the festival:
A serene-looking Kim Kardashian kept her kulo klassy at the BET Honors last night. By “klassy,” I mean her husband didn’t have her serve that ass up like two greased n’ shiny hogs gone fetal per usual. Instead, Yeezus stuffed her into a dark-sided frock that made her look like Bore-ticia Addams.
It’s refreshing (I guess) to be able to see Kim’s sex ferret face not being eclipsed by her donk, but that’s a weird dress. Yes, I’m sure it’s considered to be the finest couture, but man, do these two try too hard. I know she’s never said no to anything (exploitation, watersports, her mother pinning her soul down with the Ajanti Dagger in a magic circle for Satan to come collect), but someone tell her she can! Eff his delusions of Kunty Karl! You can contain the ass in a palatable way, Kimmy. Coats or something, right? I don’t know, my shirt is from Target.
And how come every time I see these two out and about (and that’s a lot), their baby is nowhere to be found? Yes, this is a “red carpet” situation, but I’m talking in general. Don’t tell me it’s some sort of “keeping the kid away from the paps” situation, either. Just call it a day and change that kid’s name to “Who?” already.
Check out more pics of Kim and Kanye at the BET Honors at the Warner Theatre in Washington, DC below.
Photo credit: WENN and Splash
It feels like it was just two seconds ago when the walking and walking ABC after-school special Jamie Lynn Spears was announcing that she got knocked up on the cover of a tabloid and now here’s her 21-year-old ass announcing that she’s marrying a dude who looks like he has a nickname for all his cars, closes down the bar at T.G.I. Friday’s every Saturday night and calls every dude he knows “champ.”
Brit Brit’s little sister announced on Instagram (via UsWeekly) that she’s getting hitched to her 30-year-old boyfriend of 3 years Jamie Watson. Yes, another damn Jamie. So when Jamie Lynn Spears moans out the name “JAY-MEEE” while getting it on, she’s screaming out her name, her man’s name and her dad’s name. That’s not creepy at all!
Jamie was engaged to that Casey Whatshisname, the father of her daughter Maddie, for a quick second, but they broke up for good in 2010. UsWeekly didn’t say what Jamie Watson does for a living, but if he doesn’t get a regular paycheck by playing a midwestern white husband accused of murdering his wife in crime show reenactments, he has missed his calling. And yeah, he’s 30. Let’s just assume that Jamie Lynn used the Benjamin Button Instagram filer on that picture.
JL also Instagrammed a close-up of the ring:
To answer your question, yes, that’s the nicest ring Claire’s has to offer. But now what I want to know is, when did Jamie Lynn start looking like every contestant on the Bachelor?
One of the original Teen Moms, Jamie Lynn Spears, is trying to become a country star and has been trying to pay her dues by singing at bars in Nashville. During a showcase at Nashville’s 3rd and Lindsley Bar & Grill last night, Jay-meeeeeeeeeeee Liiiiiiiiiiiin (Note: Every time you say her name you should shout it out of the window while holding a dinner bell) warbled out a song she wrote for the older sister who paved the road that led to that Nickelodeon show. The song is called “I Look Up To You” and I wish Jamie Lynn would take a quick second from looking up to Brit Brit to look down at Brit Brit, so she can tell that ho to burn those fugilicious UGGs.
It makes sense why Jamie Lynn wants to be a country star. Jamie Lynn looks Carrie Underwood-ish in the face and sounds like a deaf Taylor Swift (that’s saying a lot). I know it’s the thought that counts (which is a sugary way of saying “keep your thoughts to yourself”), but this shit is NO “He’s My Brother.”
So Jamie Lynn Spears and Casey Aldridge (the one who forgot to pull out) broke up. UsWeekly says it’s so. And I’m saying that I didn’t think they were together anymore. I was under the impression that Casey was no longer parking his pick-up on Jamie’s front lawn anymore. I was wrong, because they only broke up within the past 4 months. And Jamie Lynne’s already found a new dude to push her cart at the Piggy Wiggly and share a jar of moonshine with.
According to Star Magazine, 18-year-old Jamie Lynn has been bumping pork rinds with a 28-year-old well-to-do local businessman named James Watson. No, James is not the town’s weed man of choice. James apparently owns his own company. A source explains, “He installs communications equipment and high-definition TVs for large corporations.” Translation: Bitch installs satellites on the lip of your roof for Dish Network.
The source went on to say, “They started dating last December. I don’t think James cares at all about who she is; they really seem to like each other.”
It’s hard for me to throw hate at Jamie Lynn, because she can easily pimp out her baby by starring in a TLC reality show and posing in pictorials for Life & Style every season. But Jamie Lynn chose to keep her country ass in the country. So if she wants to diddle on some 28-year-old dick to get free satellite and pay-per-view, let her!