Birthday Sluts

Queen Fabiola of Belgium (85)
Ivana Baquero (19)
Claire Holt (25)
Shia LaBeouf (27)
Joshua Jackson (35)
Peter Dinklage (44)
Matt McGrath (44)
Manuel Uribe (48)
Gioia Bruno of Exposé (50)
Dr. Oz (53)
Hugh Laurie (54)
Joe Montana (57)
Lynsey de Paul (63)
Frank Beard of ZZ Top (64)
Adrienne Barbeau (68)
Christina Crawford (74)
Gene Wilder (80)

STAINS Is Dlisted’s Hot Slut Of 2009!

Spaghetti Cat’s reign as Hot Slut of the Year has come to an end. Throw him an al dente noodle for a slutty job well done. After almost 60,000 votes, STAINS has won the crown with 37% and is our new Hot Slut of the Year! STAINS hypnotic powers were strong enough to keep the magic of The Three Wolf Moon T-Shirt off his back! The Three Wolf Moon got 34% of the votes, and Snooki was third with 29%.

For the second year in a row, Hot Sluts made famous by The Soup have gone on to win the top prize. So if one of your lifelong dreams is to be a Hot Slut of the Year, immediately check yourself into the nearest mental institution. But if they tell you that there’s nothing they can do for you, beg the producers of The Soup to feature you on their show. If they agree to it (they accept bribes), there’s a 99% chance you will be Hot Slut of 2010!

In the meantime, let’s all celebrate STAINS’ win by stuffing our mouth holes with cupcakes until we fall into an open-eyed coma. Congratulations to STAINS! He will serve us well!

Oh, and STAINS, don’t get too attached to that crown. I have to return to the rental place by noon tomorrow.

Thanks to every one of you hos who voted! ‘Til next year!

(Image via STAINS Official Website)

Who Is The Hot Slut Of The Year?

Get off your knees, slip on your tuxedo thong and wash the wet spots out of your slut dress in the bathroom sink, because the time has come to decide who will spend the next year with the Hot Slut of 2009 crown on their head! Sidenote: Whoever gets the crown, might want to marinate it in a bowl of RID before putting it on their precious heads, because 2008’s HSOTY Spaghetti Cat has been mighty filthy nasty this year. Actually, scratch that. I just glanced at our contestants again. I think they already have several kinds of fleas.

This year THE MOST IMPORTANT TITLE IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD comes down to a magical t-shirt, a hairy beast and STAINS! Each of them is fully capable of fulfilling the duties of Hot Slut of the Year which includes….absolutely nothing. But they will win a prize package of a half-eaten bag of Mother’s Cookies, 3 lessons from Phoebe Price on how to pose for your life on the ho stroll and a Free Clinic punch card.

Our new Hot Slut of the Year will be announced on Wednesday (I know I said Monday before, but I lied)! Hopefully, one day soon the Hot Slut of the Year ceremony will take place somewhere extra amazing like the party room of a Chuck E. Cheese. ONE DAY!

In the meantime, you can vote for STAINS, Snooki or the Three Wolf Moon T-Shirt in the sidebar to you right. Vote with your no-no! No seriously, I want you to vote with your anus. It’ll really make your vote count!

Who Is Hot Slut Of 2009: Wild Card Round

Snookers, the Ooma Loompa of Poughkeepsie, is the round 2 winner of the Hot Slut of the Year competition and will now face off with STAINS in the finals. Maru tried to top that bitch, but Snooki shoved him back in his cardboard box and flipped away with 31% of the votes.

Now we’re moving on the wild card round. Below are 6 Hot Sluts of the Week who never made it to Hot Slut of the Month for whatever reason. They either admitted they spit instead of swallow or they were caught cheering for Mop Head on Dancing with the Has-Beens. I forgive them for their sins, and now they are getting a second chance.

Here’s the 6 most popular HSOTWs based on pageviews and comments. Yes, we’re getting technical. And we’re off:

DJ Lady Tribe: The precious pearl of Rock of Love Bus who performed a Herpes rap for Bret and also drank a shot out of another skank’s chocha.
Scotland’s #1 Male Barbie: The glittery Oompa Loompa of Scotland (one of Snook’s relatives?)
Three Wolf Moon T-Shirt: Needs no introduction.
Sandra Lee: Drunk.
Derek J: A glazed Cornish gay hen who can work a pair of high heels better than any woman!
Deidra Daley Everett: The Gisele Bundchen of Internet BBWs!

Voting is to the right…blah…blah…blah. The winning slut will battle it out against Snooki and STAINS tomorrow.

Who Is Hot Slut Of 2009: Round 2

You were probably already planning on having a half dozen cupcakes for dinner tonight, and now you can have a 7th thanks to STAINS’ landslide win in the first round of the Hot Slut of the Year pageant. STAINS hypnotized 44% of you to vote for his ass. Actually, he probably hypnotized one of you into voting for him 7,822 times. STAINS powers of persuasion knows no bounds. So who will join STAINS in the final dance-off to the death?! Here are your choices:

July: Maru
August: Vogue Evolution
September: Grace Coddington
October: Abuelita Chocolate
November: Dolores the Nekkid Bear
December: Jersey Shore’s Snooki

Throw your eyeballs to the right side of these words to vote. No, all the way to the right. Keep going, keep going. You know you’re not going to find it if you keep reading this. GO!

The winning slut will be announced this time tomorrow!

Who Is Hot Slut Of 2009: Round 1

The moment you’ve all been waiting for has finally arrived! NO, I’m not retiring just yet. I’m still waiting for In ‘N Out to open up their own age-restricted community. Anyway, the OTHER moment you’ve been waiting for has finally arrived. It’s time for the Hot Slut of 2009 showdown spectacular. This is when all of our old friends gather together to battle it out for the title of Hot Slut of the Year.

This is how it’s going to work:
Today and Tomorrow: Round 1 voting
Tomorrow: Round 1 winner announced, Round 2 voting begins
Thursday: Round 2 winner announced, Wild Card (featuring Hot Sluts of the Week who never made it to Hot Slut of the Month) voting begins
Friday: Final round voting begins
Monday: THE SLUTTIEST SLUT IS CROWNED!

I know. It’s confusing and long. It’s like waiting for a cokehead to shoot his load. So we should whip it out and get to it. Here are your Round 1 choices:

January: STAINS
February: Clara Cannucciari
March: UGGS the Cat
April: Susan Boyle
May: Kate Gosselin’s Possum Head
June: Quween on the Scene

Voting is in the sidebar to the right. Happy Voting!