And Soon There Will Be A Baby With The Last Name Rocknroll

A quick minute after Jennifer Love Hewitt let it be known that she’s finally got a man and a baby in her bedazzled womb, Kate Winslet came along and pushed her out of the spotlight. Well played, Kate.

Kate’s rep confirmed to People that she and her of husband of 6 months Ned Rocknroll are going to be parents to a newborn baby friend in a few months. This baby will be Kate and Mr. Rockrnoll’s first baby together. Kate has a 12-year-old daughter with her first husband Jim Threapleton and a 9-year-old son with her second husband Sam Mendes. A baby for every husband!

Once Kate and that Rocknroll ho divorce, she can buy herself a pair of VS angel wings, because then she can marry Leonardo DiCaprio and then they can make a baby together and then the Jack and Rose shippers will finally get what they want.

And during Kate’s next sonogram, her doctor might wonder why her fetus is shaking its head. It’s shaking its head, because it knows that Kate and Ned are going to name it either Olive or Iz Only.

Donald Trump Is Going To Be Somebody’s Grandfather Again

Ivanka Trump is always working, working, working, working and she says that she works 16 hours most days, but yet she still found time to make a baby. My guess is that Ivanka’s husband Jared Kushner rushes into her office in the middle of the day and quickly does her from the back while she’s typing an e-mail with one hand and filling out her expense report with the other. So now Ivanka’s assistant knows why her expense reports are always sticky and covered in lube and saliva.

Both Page Six and People say that Ivanka and Jared’s 20-month-old daughter Arabella Rose is going to get a brother or a sister this fall. A source tells Page Six that Ivanka somehow found the time in between working, working, working, working to tell her friends that she’s knocked up.

Ivanka and Jared are currently in the process of designing a swivel rolling labor chair for her office, so she can work work, work, work, work while giving birth.

Anyway, congratulations to Ivanka and Jared’s nannies on their upcoming arrival! Also, congratulations to Ivanka and Jared’s fetus, because in a few months it’ll get to do what everyone in the world wants to do: spit and barf on Donald Trump’s ugly face.

And here’s the most beautiful Trump of them all, Melania Trump, at the launch of her new skin care line in NYC on Tuesday. Yes, Melania Trump is actually selling a line of skin care products. Is she really trying to make us believe that she uses products on her gorgeous face when we all know that her daily beauty regimen consists of tightening the piano wires that keep her face tight before dipping her mug in a tub of wax? Whatever, Melania is still giving us some cat-faced Sofia Vergara glamour and her eyebrows are a thing of majestic perfection.

Halle Berry Is Going To Be Somebody’s Mother Again

And here’s some news that’ll make a CPS officer roll their eyes as they pull out a blank folder, grab a Sharpie and get themselves ready to write the name of Halle Berry’s future child on it. TMZ says that a 3-month-old boy fetus is baking in Halle Berry’s womb right now and her fiance Olivier Martinez is the father. End well: this isn’t.

A source tells TMZ that 5-year-old Nahla is going to be a sister in around 6 months and 46-year-old Halle and 47-year-old Olivier already know they’re having a boy. TMZ thinks that Halle might’ve gone mama bear wild on the paps at LAX the other day, because she was protecting the growing fetus in her baby bag.

Well, the good news is that every family law judge in L.A. knows that their job is safe for a few years since Olivier and Halle will be in their court room frequently after they eventually break up and fight over their kid. The other good news is that Nahla will have somebody to hang out with when the grown-ups start punching and choking each other out on the front yard driveway.

And Halle should save everybody some time and just go ahead and sue Olivier for full custody of their unborn baby so she can move out of the country with her next fiance. Might as well get that out of the way now.

UPDATE: Halle’s rep confirms it to People.

Brittany From Glee Is Knocked Up

Three days ago, a stork built a nest on top of Heather Morris’ garage and that means it’s getting ready to bring her a baby. UsWeekly says that 26-year-old Heather Morris has a 3-month-old fetus friend growing in her womb and she made it with her high school sweetheart turned grown-up boyfriend Taylor Hubbell. A source says that Heather and Taylor didn’t plan for her to come down with a case of the BABIES!!, which means either the condom broke, she bought her birth control pills off the Internet or she really doesn’t know that a baby is made when a sperm fish swims out of a dude’s peen and shoves itself into a lady egg.

“She’s a little more than three months along and starting to show,” the source says of the Scottsdale, Ariz. The dad-to-be is the star’s longtime boyfriend Taylor Hubbell, whom she met in high school.

“It was totally unexpected, but they are incredibly happy and excited,” the source tells Us.

Although a second pal says the pair have no plans to wed just yet, a march down the aisle might not be far off. Says the source: “I see it in their future.”

Finn from Glee went to rehab and it got him a blurb in People Magazine. Brittany got knocked up and it got her a blurb in UsWeekly. So that means that right now Lea Michele is getting it on with a turkey baster and a meth pipe, because next week’s covers of UsWeekly and People are HERS!!!!!

Fuck Off, Weight Watchers

With a belly full of baby #2, Jessica Simpson has announced that she’s going off of her Weight Watchers diet for now. DUH. (Read: Jessica got knocked up again just so she could belly up to the Golden Corral buffet without WW’s being all up in her face about it. “FUCK a bunch of three million dollars, FOOD, bitches!!!” – Jessica) In a statement, Weight Watchers wished her luck with her new family while holding their middle fingers up under the table and threw her no public shade for her decision.

From Yahoo! News:

“It’s wonderful news and we couldn’t be happier for Jessica, Eric [Johnson] and big sister-to-be Maxwell,” Cheryl Callan, Senior Vice President of Marketing at Weight Watchers, said in a statement on Wednesday.

I say if you’re Jessica Simpson, and can afford to turn down $3 million while burping out babies and Arby’s curly fries, more power to you. And who the hell wants to diet while they’re pregnant, except for do-goody moms who actually follow doctor’s instructions?? YUCK. I mean, she already lost over 50 pounds from her first pregnancy that ended a week ago, what the hell do you want from her?? On a related note, PopTarts, Country Crock, and Krispy Kreme stock just shot through the roof. Seriously, pregnant women are not supposed to be on Weight Watchers, as is emblazoned across the bottorm of the screen at the end of this not-redneck-at-all video where Jessica announces she’s only quitting FOR NOW.

And here are a couple more pics of Jessica walking on the beach in Hawaii with her baby daddy Eric Johnston while she is coyly covering her baby bump. If Michael K wants to see her in person, he should just follow the trail of empty Entenmann’s boxes.

Jessica Simpson Confirms What Everybody Already Knew

Bitches can stop throwing Jessica Simpson a “GUUURRRRRL, you just swallowed three lifetimes of Weight Watchers points” side-eye when she puts her mouth around a Pop-Tarts and three sticks of butter sandwich, because she’s eating buttered Pop-Tarts for two now. Jessica tweeted this picture of Baby Maxwell this morning and it’s her way of letting everyone know that she’ll be birfing out her second baby in about 98 weeks or so. My hungover eyes saw this pic and thought the words read “BIG TITS.” That makes sense too since the last time Chestica got knocked up, her chichis grew to the size of Papa Joe’s bulging eyeballs when he sees a hairless, blonde twink sashaying by.

About a month ago, UsWeekly put a No Vacancy sign over Jessica’s uterus when they said that she came down with another case of the babies just a few months after she gave birth to Baby Maxwell. Then Weight Watchers threw a mountain of money at her, she lost 50 pounds and then said, “Fuckit, losing weight is overrated, I’m hongray!“

Weight Watchers didn’t miss a second and tweeted some words for Chestica:

Congrats to @JessicaSimpson, Eric and big-sister-to-be Maxwell! Your WW family is so thrilled for you. What an amazing year you’ve had!

Translation: “Um, here’s the receipt, can we go our moneys back?”

But really, congratulations to Chestica, Whatshisname and the makers of Pop-Tarts who will have another record-breaking year!

via People