Category: Alexander Skarsgard

A Check Is A Check: Lisa Rinna Is Doing Depend Commercials Now

April 7, 2012 / Posted by:

Because all of us want to look as sexy and svelte as possible even as we piss ourselves, Depend has come out with a line of ultra slim piss pads that won’t give you diaper lines, and they’ve hired 48-year-old Lisa Rinna of all hos to push that shit in a new commercial. I know Lisa’s career is in the shit can and her lips could win first place in a throbbing hemorrhoid look-alike contest, but besides that what does she have to do with bowel movements? I guess Depend is saving Fergie for their new collection of diaper g-strings, Hugh Jackman for their line of diaper speedos and Gérard Depardieu for their line of control-top french cut piss catchers. Whatever. Lisa’s collagen worm lips aren’t going to plump themselves, so I say, piss yourself to a check, Lisa Renal!

via HuffPo

The Rent Is Due: OctoMom Takes It Off For A Check

March 27, 2012 / Posted by:

TMZ says that OctoMom is a quick second away from being put out on the curb, because she hasn’t paid the mortgage on her house in La Habra, CA and it’s headed for the auction block on Thursday. So what’s a fame whoring mother of a baby brigade supposed to do to put her seventy million chirruns into a new house? Get them titties out for a British tabloid, of course! Closer Magazine (via DM) handed Octo a $10,000 check to pay the rent on her new house and she gave them this image that is probably making your throat give birth to an octoheave.

Octo didn’t only bare her temple of a million fetuses body for Closer, she also talked to them about how she’s a wonderful mother and how even though her uterus is KO’ed out for good, her body magically bounced back after she hatched out 8 kids.

On how everybody sees her as a crazy bitch who shouldn’t even be in charge of raising 8 Tamagotchis, but she’s really the epitome of a perfect mother: “The kids have structure and discipline and only eat healthily, they don’t know what candy is! I’ve done a really great job with them. I don’t get any credit.”

On how she dims her natural sexy so that men won’t hit on her: “I get too much male attention, but I won’t date until the octuplets are 18 – I live for them. I know a lot of women like male attention, but I’ll go out with no make-up on and wear tracksuits, a wig and even a fake pregnancy stomach to put them off.”

On how she eats like a horse (pause for your laugh) and how her body is like a rubber band: “I just pinged back into shape like a rubber band after the kids, I don’t know how I did it. I eat like a horse, don’t count calories and have never owned a set of scales. I gained an entire human when I was pregnant with the octuplets, going from 10st (140lbs) to over 19st (266lbs), but two months later, I was a size 8 again. Now, I never weigh myself.”

Yup, bitch is still crazy. Men aren’t slobbering over her with their eyes, they’re running from her insane ass, because they’re afraid that if they stand too close they’ll knock her ass up. Bitch’s body didn’t magically ping back into shape, unless by “ping back into shape” she means that a plastic surgeon pulled her stomach skin all the way up to her neck. Sadly, even after the entire Extreme Makeover: Home Edition crew renovated her body, she still has two gorilla landing strips for brows. How dreadful. Octo should take some of that $10k and use it to pay for a date with an eyebrow artiste. So she won’t look like a topless Groucho Marx the next time she poses half-naked for rent money.

Lindsay Lohan Somehow Moves Her Face In SNL Promos

February 29, 2012 / Posted by:

NBC should’ve gotten Elvira to introduce these promos for this weekend’s Saturday Night Live, because Lindsay Lohan’s face looks like the fire scene from House of Wax. The positive news is that LiLo showed up on time (I think), memorized her lines (I think) and didn’t freebase hand soap in the bathroom (I think). The other news is: HER FACE. Lindsay Lohan’s face is one thing in still pictures, but seeing it in motion is another. I don’t know if she’s storing crack rocks in her cheeks for the weekend or if she’s trying to live within her means by injecting her face with Fix-A-Flat instead of Juvederm. Whatever it is she needs to hit the brakes on that shit.

I am also well aware that she’s got a little coke bloat (or her face is going through changes as she downs meds to keep her off the bad shit), but she needs to stop fucking with her face, because her mug looks tighter than a butt virgin’s b-hole. Wait. When LiLo gets a moment, can she pass me the name of her illegal back alley surgeon, because I have something that needs tightening…..

Here’s a few pictures of LiLo leaving a restaurant in NYC last night. Is Lifetime sure about this Elizabeth Taylor thing? Because LiLo looks like she’s ready to play current day Brigitte Bardot or current day Linda Hogan, but not La Liz.

LiLo Hits The Ho Stroll After Court

February 23, 2012 / Posted by:

Lindsay Lohan celebrated getting an air kiss from Judge Stephanie in court yesterday by doing what she does best: partying her nostrils off. (Don’t worry, she keeps a glue stick in her purse so she can easily slap them back on her face.) While looking like a Playboy Playmate of 1976 turned Real Housewife of The Staten Island Expressway, LiLo strut her baboon labia lips into a pre-Oscar party as White Oprah stumbled in behind her.

LiLo is supposed to scoot a skid mark across Elizabeth Taylor’s image by playing her in that Lifetime shit, but you wouldn’t know it by that hair. That hair color (in shade: meth-stained teeth) tells me that she shouldn’t be playing Elizabeth Taylor. Bitch should be playing current day Joyce McKinney! Just throw a cloned puppy at LiLo and yell, “ACTION!”

And I don’t know if White Oprah did antifreeze shots in the car or if her face is so used to being drunk that it just naturally looks like that even when she’s sober. HA at me thinking she’s ever sober.

Sober Has A New Face….

October 13, 2011 / Posted by:

…..and it is the exact opposite of this methtastic display of freckled roughness that was spit out of a crack house’s toilet and rolled onto the red carpet of the launch party for some video game in L.A. last night. That S in the background doesn’t stand for Supper Club. It’s the Health Department’s newest rating: S for SkeezaSitDown!

The highly flammable weave, the cheeks that make her look like she’s storing 8-balls for the winter and her signature collagen labia lips all need more JESUS (or something) in their lives, but Lindsay Lohan’s nostrils are another thing. It’s like a mob of coke granules did the Occupy Nostrils march right up into her nose innards. LiLo has snorted around the block a few times, so she should know that right after your nose eats a line of the bad shit off of a glove compartment lid in your dealer’s Chevy pick-up, you have to settle down your swollen nostrils with some Prep H. Amateur slip-up that disappoints White Oprah so.

Now on to the thing that everyone is hissing and throwing sprinkles of Listerine at:

For the love of Nana Lohan, can’t a bitch spike her Red Bull with some fluoride or even some paint thinner. Those Teeths of Meth look like Gollum’s fingernails after he fisted a zombie with diarrhea. If you scraped the several thick layers of crack-infused smegma off of her teeth and shoved it into a pipe and smoked it, you’d probably get a quick buzz. That’s what dentists called “methavitis.”

But being the fashion forward icon that she is, maybe LiLo is way ahead of all of us and knows that the next big trend will be to match the color of your teeth to the color of your ass lips.

No, This Is Not Another Picture Of Courtney Stodden

September 23, 2011 / Posted by:

(Apologies to the gorgeous lizard flower that is Courtney Stodden for that comparison.)

Here’s the gold digging, bed bug-killing, cocktail wasting, freckled dildo of delusion Lindsay Lohan completing her community service hours by volunteering at an Italian AIDS hospice today. Oh, did I type “volunteering at an Italian AIDS hospice“? I really meant to type that she’s pouring free champagne down her throat hole with designer Philipp Plein at an amfAR party in Milan tonight. Same thing!

Maybe it’s because I just ate an entire bottle of red wine, but besides the fact that her lips looks like two constipated bubble gum worms trying to push out a fart, she sort of looks o.k.a.y.? We’re used to seeing LiLo looking like a 49-year-old flea-ridden, morning shift Mordor hooker who just got a train ran on her (an actual train, not a gang bang), so this is an improvement! Yes, I’m still going to spray my eye balls with RID, but I’ll do two squirts instead of ten. Now I’m going to do the impossible by typing the following words: Lindsay Lohan actually looks good.

And yesh, I just admitted that I’m drinking red wine. Can you believe this shit? I’m trading margaritas for red wine, because Dr. Oz said it’s good for the heart. I’m of the olds. Just brand me with the word EXPIRED and roll me into Boca city limits.

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