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Justin Bieber Is Butch
Another day, another desperate attempt by Justin Bieber to try to butch up his image and convince us all that he’s not a lipstick lesbian. Lipgloss always, lipstick NEVAH! Unless it’s Wet’N’Wild frosted cotton candy pink, guuuurl. So the Daily Mail reports that the bad ass (or really, just ass) went to a strip club where he apparently touched a stripper’s nalgas. Putting hands on bare real lady flesh!! They grow up so fast.
He was hanging with his entourage at Club V Live in Houston with topless strippers, and no way were the other girls going to show him up, so of course he got topless too. Everybody got their titties out! Sounds like a typical Thanksgiving dinner at my house. And like my house, turkey has by far the best looking breast to offer.
It looks like it was a wild staying up past bedtime night. TMZ has exclusive pics of Biebs with a Dos Equis in hand at Nox Houston earlier in the evening but since it’s illegal for toddlers 19 year olds to drink, I’m sure he was just holding it for his bodyguard. So Texas will arrest Willie Nelson for smoking the good shit but is okay with kids getting their drank on?? Heinous. Anyway, they moved the party to the strip club where Justin pretended to be liquored up off of one beer and started groping half naked booty.
The stripper tweeted ‘He touched my ass I almost fainted [sic],’ @DiamondsR4ever. The truth is she almost fainted from shock when Pedobear and the feds didn’t come cart her ass to jail for letting little boys bad touch her. Or maybe the fumes off of Justin’s whole-bottle-of-Dippity-Do head made her woozy.
With a handful of hiney (“I’m never washing this hand again!” – Justin “Um, seriously, here’s some Purell” – the stripper) and a fresh Shirley Temple, Justin partied into the night, throwing dollah dollah bills y’all at the ladies and there are a few grainy ass pictures below. WE GET IT BIEBS, you’re all growed up and you only wear diapers now because it’s cool and not because you can’t make a pee pee in the potty yet.
In the last year or so, he’s gone from being Walt Disney‘s wettest dream to partying with strippers, pissing in mop buckets, spitting on fans, and most douchetastic of all having his bodyguards carry him onto the Great Wall of China without even using his Baby Bjorn. In other words, he’s grown from a snotty entitled little brat to a snotty entitled little man. Now I get why Toby Sheldon totally wants to be him.
Pics via Daily Mail
LeAnn Rimes Finally Admits She’s A Wreck
It’s another lazy Sunday morning, which means most of us are hungover as hell and promising never, ever to drink that much again (until next Saturday night). It’s a perfect time to post this pic because 1) you can only see out of one blurry crusted over bloodshot eye, 2) you already have a splitting headache, 3) you probably have a little “hair of the dog” ready, and 4) you already have a cat caca taste in your mouth. It’s like a symphony of wreck, and this pic is the crescendo.
So here is Leann Rimes coming to terms with and owning her broke down bitchedness via Twitter. She says it’s her dad’s wrecking company, and blah blah blah, but we all know what really happened. The tow truck driver knows a horrifying accident when he sees one and was just doing his job by clearing out the trash. Because we’re already feeling weak and queasy, I won’t even address her legs in the air situation. SHUDDER.
Sadly, since there was photographic evidence, he couldn’t just quietly take her to the dump. Everyone knows that shit can’t ever be fixed so she’s now sitting in her front yard with her hood up. Do NOT drive by there…nobody needs to see that. It will push your hangover over the edge and into violently barfing last night’s delicious frou-frou drinks all over yourself.
Open Post: Hosted By Courtney Stodden Caring About Your Breasts
Since Courtney Stodden obviously doesn’t have half a fuck to give about the condition of her own fun bags, she is spending all that extra energy to care about yours! Here she is, at the Fashion Minga LA event, sporting her painful purple breasts for fashion and to remind you to get your shit checked if you’re of the female persuasion. Just looking at these pics makes me cradle and knead my boobs tenderly, so it’s working. Thank you Courtney for your selfless devotion to our collective titty health!
According to its website, Fashion Minga “is a collaboration of designers, performers, and tastemakers coming together to celebrate the various components that inspire fashion: music, dance, color, shape and visual elements.” There’s also a pink ribbon to let you know that they’re all about breast cancer awareness. That all sounds really good except for the “tastemakers” part and I don’t want to know what the fuck that is, especially as it relates to Courtney, so please just leave me to my ignorance. And give me a chaser just in case.
Let the porn iguana and her new totally natural and not at all back alley looking Fix-A-Flat lips carry you far far away! Far away from your puny existence as a human breasted/lipped plebe who doesn’t sport swizzle stick legs and a creepy mutated sweaty toad of a husband and into her world of pure glamour. AND CHECK YO BOOBEHS! Amen.
WTF Is Wrong With People: The Justin Bieber Wannabe Edition
This actually happened, and it’s way too early in this or any day for this fuckery. Grab your coffee and throw in an extra two splashes of Irish Cream because you’re gonna need it. Here’s what: a grown ass man spent almost $100K over 5 years for surgery to transform himself into a pre-pubescent lesbian. Now, I can get with transgender surgery if that’s what makes your nipples hard, but I can’t get with this. I CAN’T. Somewhere in the world, (LA, not Florida believe it or not) a 33 year old songwriter named Toby Sheldon decided that there was no better way to spend his life savings than cutting his face up to look like Justin Bieber. People who want to look like a cat and like a sand candle left in the August sun are grateful to this guy for making their decisions look almost normal.
According to Complex Style, Toby got the surgery so that he too could have Bieber’s “smize”. Can somebody kick Tyra Banks square in the culo for that phrase?? Fuck. Anyway, he even got a 15K surgery to widen his smile to look just like the Biebs. No word on what he paid for the bad skin. DUDE. Just speak as though your nuts haven’t dropped, sport a douchey hairstyle and some saggy ass MC Hammer knock off pants, paint Heath Ledger‘s Joker smile on with liquid eyeliner, act like a toddler that hasn’t gotten his snack or his favorite toy and you’ve got this for $17.50. You’re welcome. Where the fuck was I when this guy needed a financial consultant? I could have banked whatever the difference of $100K and $17.50 is. Maths are hard, and it’s early.
The worst part (as if there could be a worst in this mess) is that he still doesn’t look like Justin Bieber. He looks like a junior high school gym teacher named Ms. Barker with a mustache and a penchant for hanging out too long in the girls locker room during shower times. FAIL.
Pics vai Complex Style
Open Post Presents: Cops Gone Wild
Some poor street vendor in NYC was trying to get his ice cream sales on when he was accosted by a crazy female officer who thought his act needed more twirl and more blow me. Really, everything in life could do with more twirl and more blow me so I see where she’s going with that.
Check out the video to see the cop, who is obviously unaware that cell phones exist and have cameras on them, add a little flair to an otherwise boring beat.
I wish all cops were this entertaining. I usually just get “you know the routine, spread em!” (“you definitely have that routine down, slut” – you) instead of a song and dance littered with colorful vocabulary. YAWN. Maybe she was drunk or on the bad shit, but if that’s the case they need to make all police get drunk and high before kicking everyone’s good time in the crotch going on patrol.
I don’t know if the officer is friends with Mel Gibson, but one thing that’s clear is that it’s important to her that she gets blown. She didn’t specify whether it should be before or after Jacuzzi.
Shia LaBeouf Gets Kicked In The Boeuf
I love it when the jokes write themselves. Shia LaBeouf is infamous for trying to bring the heat down on a bitch, and it usually ends up with him at the ER to have said bitch’s foot removed from his ass. This time is much different!! He had to have bitch’s foot removed from his vagina. Gossip Cop says that while walking through Leicester Square in London (he’s there to film Fury), Shia decided it was a great idea to film some girl while she was puking her guts up on the street. Such class acts, everyone involved.
According to the article, sisters Ash and Isis Nawaz were walking along when one of them “fell ill” (read: couldn’t handle her Mojitos) and luckily for them Shia was there to point and laugh at their asses while saving the moment for posterity’s sake. I don’t know much, but one thing I do know is that the pile of vomit had more character and tact in one lump than Shia has in his whole body.
Of course the women told Shia to gtfo, but he wasn’t having any of that until a bystander did what most of us can only dream of – he punched Shia in the face and kicked him in the peen hole!! Yaaaas!! Which raises the important question: where is the footage of that??? Anyone there with a cell phone missed an opportunity to make the world a better place. Shame on all of you. Anyway after club security broke up the mess, aka pulled the other dude off of Shia while he pretended that he was being held back, Shia carried his broke dick out of there.
Shia reminds me of my Grandma’s chihuahua that thinks she’s a pit bull. Bark on little bitch!
Filmjunk