The teaser trailer for Tim Burton’s Dumbo is here and I’ve got to say, I forgot how much I love him. It’s so nice to have a Johnny Depp-less Burton film to look forward to! As far as Disney live-action remakes go, this looks pretty dark. And that’s a good thing! Dumbo is a deeply disturbing story that’s ruined many a childhood. It deserves an equally disturbing, childhood ruining remake.
Here’s the trailer for Dumbo with the theme song “Baby Mine” sung by Norwegian singer-songwriter Aurora (via Polygon):
Holy anime eyes Tim Burton’s Batman! Also, Holy Batman, Batman! Yes, according to Polygon, that is best Batman Michael Keaton as V.A. Vandevere, a “persuasive entrepreneur” who recruits Dumbo for his “larger-than-life entertainment venture, Dreamland”. Keeping it in the Bat-Fam, Danny DeVito plays a circus owner who recruits Colin Farrell and his two kids to take care of Dumbo.
And in case you’ve got sand in your eyes and couldn’t tell, the little girl who plays Colin’s daughter Milly looks exactly like Thandie Newton. With good reason! She’s played by Nico Parker, Thandie’s 13 year-old mini-me. I’m not going to say one word about that beautiful girl Nico being having a very white family in this film (ok, maybe I said 21 words). Nowhere to be seen though are those racist ass crows from the original. Although, maybe they will address that elephant in the room in subsequent treatments.
Judith Nathan Giuliani is about to quit a bitch. Said bitch, Trump attorney and all-around creeptastic golem Rudy Giuliani, is allegedly having an affair and Judy has filed for divorce. You may be screaming “why do politicians keep showing up my favorite profane celebrity gossip site? This never used to happen before!”. But you know why. The minute Trump decided to run for office, the number of porn stars, reality television personalities, and general ne’er-do-wells associated with the White House expanded exponentially. The White House can no longer contain all the bullshit, so it’s oozing out all over the place!
A plague of bees is coming, and they may be coming for LeBron James. There’s a man threatening to expose Lebron and Beyoncé as secret lovers. LeBron seems to stay relatively drama free off the court. Well, maybe relatively isn’t the right word to use. His closest relative, mom Gloria James, brings the drama like Steph Curry brings the dribbles? You guys know I’m sports deficient. There was a whole ass parade here in my hometown for The Warriors and I only knew because NPR told me that’s why traffic was jacked up.
Drake likes big butts and he cannot lie. If there’s any common thread that runs through his list of famous exes, it’s that they were all thic and juicy. Jennifer Lopez, Nicki Minaj, Rihanna; they all have notably well formed sweet potatoes. And Drake’s alleged secret baby momma Sophie Brussaux does them one better with her sizable Easter hams. As Hot New Hip Hop notes, Drake’s stated preference is that he “likes my girls BBW”, as he rapped on Nicki’s track “Only”. So maybe it should be no surprise that Drake is dealing with the devastating “L” handed to him by Pusha T, by falling into the folds of an extraordinary woman. Drake was spotted with a new lady friend in Toronto who was packing more rear heat than a Ford Pinto with a trunk full of dynamite.
Dennis Rodman is in Singapore right now in his capacity as the self-created Goodwill Ambassador of the Trump-Kim The Dear Leader Summit 2018. As such, CNN’s Chris Cuomo interviewed Dennis, live on air, to get his take on the “historic event” and discuss his role in bringing the two leaders together. Nobody invited Dennis. But he just loves North Korea so much that he got himself a sponsor and is on a mission to Make America Great Again by hooking up his two BFFs, Donald Trump and Kim Jong Un. And sadly no, his sponsor isn’t he kind you should get when you’ve had more DUIs than you’ve had career rebounds on the basketball court. His sponsor is Potcoin, a cryptocurrency for weed professionals.
We’ve got a little problem as a country (nay, world) because the President of The United States is an ego driven narcissist prone to fits of rage. Maybe that’s part of the reason it’s so easy for Alec Baldwin to channel him on Saturday Night Live. It’s not method acting if you’re just playing a marginally less attractive (ok, I will give Alec his due; significantly less attractive), conservative version of yourself. Just as we don’t enjoy having Donald Trump as president, neither would we enjoy having Alec Baldwin as president. But this fool thinks it would be cute. Alec appeared on The Howard Stern Show and boasted that if he ran for president against Donny in 2020, he would totally win.