Want your movie to languish in development hell and be cursed by The Ghost Of Freddie Mercury? Then go ahead and hire Bryan Singer. I guess the good folks over at Millennium are fresh out of scruples and aren’t afraid of no ghosts because, according to The Hollywood Reporter, they are in negotiations with Bryan to direct Red Sonja, a movie based on a Conan The Barbarian comic book spinoff that was already made into a stupid movie starring Arnold Schwarzenegger and Brigitte Nielsen back in 1985. Get ’em, Freddie!
Previously on… Survivor! Tom Arnold got into a physical altercation on Sunday night at a pre-Emmy party with Mark Burnett, and Mark’s wife Roma Downey claims Tom maimed her, and Tom supposedly ripped Mark’s gold crucifix from his neck, and Survivor host Jeff Probst tried to break it up, and all the while Della Reese was looking down from heaven shaking her head saying, “I ain’t touching this mess“. The fight was over alleged Apprentice tapes of Trump allegedly saying the N-Word. Mark has allegedly been hoarding them to allegedly protect Trump.
Now that the dust has settled, Tom has filed a police report accusing Mark of battery and, according to Deadline, was bragging to everybody who would listen that the tapes had been secured and handed over to Ronan Farrow. It’s only Tuesday.
There were a lot of faces being pulled in the audience at last night’s Emmy Awards ceremony. Most of the cringing and eye rolling caught on camera (Merritt Wever staring into the camera with the dead eyes of a bored teen, Chrissy Teigen ducking out of way) appeared to be in reaction to Colin Jost’s invisible lips and Michael Che’s invisible charm. But one member of the audience looked like he was having the time of his life. In a surprise appearance, the legendary Teddy Perkins somehow managed to leave his palatial home in Atlanta and fly halfway across the country to attend the ceremony! I didn’t even realize he was still alive. I thought he had choked on a globule of ostrich egg.
That tricky bitch Mary Poppins is back to terrorize a new pack of impish waifs in the full length trailer for Mary Poppins Returns starring Emily Blunt as an umbrella wielding lunatic and Lin-Manuel Miranda as a guy who doesn’t think twice about playing with strange children in the park. This holiday season is going to be seriously twisted.
If you see Drew Barrymore at a party getting tipsy on wine (she has her own brand and everything), by all means, toast to her continued good health and prosperity, but don’t ask her if she wants to go to the bathroom and do a couple of rails of cocaine. The mere thought of coke, is like, her worst nightmare now. Drew appeared on Norm McDonald Has A Show (how about Show Me A White Dude Who Doesn’t) and talked about her epic drug abuse which was chronicled in her 1990 masterpiece Little Girl Lost.
Things must be pretty precarious over on #teamwoody because they’ve finally decided to pull out the big gun, and have Woody Allen’s wife Soon-Yi Previn speak out in his defense. In an exhausting and disturbing interview for Vulture, Soon-Yi breaks her silence and dishes about life with The Evil Mia Farrow and how she and Woody The Saint became lovers. It would really be easier if, as a species, we evolved so that our front eyes, over generations, gradually shifted to the side of our faces, so at times like these, we could avoid the serious repercussions of neck and eye strain.