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Open Post: Hosted By Kelly Clarkson Doing “Shallow”

February 18, 2019 / Posted by:

The Gagabot 3000’s mission won’t be complete until it either wins an Academy Award for its stirring performance as Human Woman In Love, or fries its circuits in front of an audience of thousands (if we’re being generous) when it ultimately loses to Glenn Close. But it’s already achieved one important step in its mission to achieve Global Domination, it’s rendered me susceptible to its star signal Shallow. I resisted it at first, but repetition is a son of a bitch, and now it’s an earworm I’ll probably have to live with for at least the next 5 years.

Thankfully, it’s been popular for long enough now that it’s getting covered by singers other than Gagabot 3000 and its maker Bradley Cooper. Enter real life, flesh and blood human woman Kelly Clarkson, who covered Shallow at a gig all by herself, rendering poor Bradley even more superfluous than his monstrous creation has.

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Royal Couple Of Scientology Beck And Marissa Ribisi Are Getting Divorced

February 18, 2019 / Posted by:

If John Travolta and Kelly Preston are the Kate and William of Scientology’s royal couples, then Beck and Marissa Ribisi are the Meghan and Harry. But as Prince Charles proved (or Tom Cruise in this scenario), there’s no actual law prohibiting a royal divorce. Lifelong Scientologists Beck and Marissa (both were raised by believers), are proving once and for all, that all is possible Under His Eye (L.Ron’s eye in this scenario). Quick, somebody needs to run tell Jenna Elfman that just because you’re a dyed in the wool Scientologist, it doesn’t mean you have to spend an earth eternity living in miserable marriage in the name of Going Clear.

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Jason Momoa Will Be Joining The Cast Of The “Dune” Remake

February 15, 2019 / Posted by:

The Dune remake that’s set to star everybody’s favorite little peach fucker Timothée Chalamet is about to get a hot beef injection with the addition of everybody’s favorite fish-man (sorry James Cameron, you lose again!) Jason Momoa. Jason will be playing the character of sword-master (tee-hee) Duncan Idaho. According to Deadline:

Momoa joins an already stellar cast of Timothée Chalamet, Rebecca Ferguson, Zendaya, Oscar Isaac, Dave Bautista, Stellan Skarsgård, Charlotte Rampling, Javier Bardem, and Josh Brolin. The script was written by (Denis) Villeneuve, Eric Roth and Jon Spaihts.

I tried to read Dune once and it did not go well (I kept falling asleep). I also tried to watch the 1984 David Lynch one, and that did not go well either (I fell asleep). Then my nerdy ass husband tried to make me watch the miniseries from 2000 that was on the Sci-Fi Channel and well, I think you can guess how that went (you guys, it was so boring and I was really tired, ok). Therefore, I only know enough about Dune to make jokes about spice eyes and sand worms. Which is plenty good enough for me! Thank god for Wikipedia though. I can tell you that Jason probably won’t have to cut off his hair and get divorced from Lisa Bonet, because according to the 1965 novel, Duncan is described as “a handsome man with ‘curling black hair’ to whom women are easily attracted”. So it sounds like they hit the nail on the head there.

Pic: Wenn.com

Ryan Adams Is Being Investigated By The FBI For Soliciting Sexual Communication With A Minor

February 15, 2019 / Posted by:

Prayers up for Bryan Adams who, as far as we know, has done nothing to warrant people all over the country smashing their 45’s of Summer of 69 over their knee. Because of that damn B, he’s always getting confused with singer/songwriter/alleged R.Kelly wannabe Ryan Adams who has just had his most recent album pulled by Universal Music Group in light of a New York Times investigation that alleges he solicited “explicit communications with an underage fan”. Additionally, according to Vulture, his ex-wife Mandy Moore, singer-songwriter Phoebe Bridgers, and “several other female musicians” have accused him on sexual misconduct and abuse.

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Amidst A Media Frenzy Of Misinformation, Chicago Police Arrested Two Nigerian Brothers In Connection With The Attack On Jussie Smollett

February 15, 2019 / Posted by:

Yesterday’s reporting on the ongoing investigation into the attack on Jussie Smollett got real messy when two Chicago media outlets, ABC 7 and CBS Chicago, reported that “sources” confirmed that Chicago PD investigators had concluded the assault was a “hoax” orchestrated by Jussie because he was about to be written off of Empire and wanted to save his job. According to Variety, Chicago PD have since called bullshit on those claims, saying they were “unconfirmed by case detectives“. But by the time Chicago PD got around to refuting that rumor, multiple outlets had reported on it as fact. Turns out, not only do you have to watch out for amateur Detective Latoyas #inthesestreets if you’re looking for the truth, you can’t necessarily rely on established media outlets to get the story straight either. Essentially, you can trust your momma, and you can trust the highly-esteemed journal of truth Dlisted, thazzabout it! (and let’s be honest, I’ve met some of your mommas. Eesh).

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Michael Avenatti Says He Received A Previously Unseen Tape Of R. Kelly Sexually Assaulting A Minor

February 14, 2019 / Posted by:

Michael Avenatti wasn’t able to land his big game fish, Donald Trump (bottom feeding flat fish can grow quite big, don’t ya know), but apparently he’s had his sights set on easier prey too. Michael announced that he’s been in possession of a previously unseen tape of Robert Sylvester Kelly engaging in “multiple sexual assaults of a girl underage”. According to Michael, he’s been representing “multiple clients” with allegations of sexual assault against Robert since April of 2018, and has been doing so pro bono because he cares deeply about “young African-American girls”. I’m sure his involvement had nothing at all to do with sidling up to the white-hot spotlight R. Kelly’s been living under since, I don’t know, about April of 2018. But regardless of his motives, it sounds like Michael may have found a smoking gun, and has turned it over to the Cook County State’s Attorney’s office.

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