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Open Post: Hosted By Pope Francis Snatching His Ring Away From Greedy Mouths

March 26, 2019 / Posted by:

Today I learned that it’s now considered gauche to kiss The Pope’s ring. It’s simply not done anymore. At least that’s what our new school, Rock ’N’ Roll Pope thinks. According to The Independent, Pope Frankie Says Relax is not about that groveling shit. During a recent mass at Holy House of Loreto in Italy, Pope Francis specifically asked the public not to kiss his Ciotola Super ring, but to no avail. The assembled masses seemed to take the request as a challenge. You could probably hear the sound of thousands of caps being popped off of thousand of tubes of  chapsticks sticks as the people prepared to pucker up. Apparently, kissing the Pope’s ring is worth huge Catholic Bingo points.

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Nicolas Cage Is Probably Going To Give Marriage A Fourth Try

March 26, 2019 / Posted by:

Strike up the band (a Kazakhstani death metal band with a Tuvan throat singer as the front man) and check Target for a bridal registry (12 Instapots and a single cheese board in the shape of New Jersey), Nicolas Cage just applied for a marriage and listed his girlfriend of almost a year, Erika Koike, as his intended. If the state of Nevada finds no reason to deny Nic’s request, he and Erika will be free to marry anytime within a year of its issuance. If everything goes to plan, Erika will be free to join the prestigious ranks of Nic’s ex-wives which include a woman who also married Michael Jackson (Lisa Marie Presley), the star of TV’s Medium (Patricia Arquette), and a woman who allowed her child to be named Kal-El (Alice Kim). And she’ll also be able to play grammy to Weston Cage’s brood of baby bats! I’ll put it this way, life doesn’t get less interesting when you marry Nicolas Cage.

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A Former Playboy Bunny Claims Alex Rodriguez Tried To Get With Her Weeks Before His Engagement To Jennifer Lopez

March 26, 2019 / Posted by:

After successfully ignoring the mad ramblings of Jose Canseco, who accused Alex Rodriguez of having an affair with his ex-wife, A-Rod and his fiance Jennifer Lopez are facing new accusations of infidelity on his part. Former Playboy bunny and current fitness coach/model/apparent threesome broker Zoe Gregory claims that A-Rod was soliciting her for weeks, and sent a dick pic as recently as 6 weeks prior to his engagement. Sometimes it seems like Barack and Michelle Obama are the only people in the whole wide world who want J-Rod to succeed.

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Wendy Williams Stepped Out Without Her Wedding Ring

March 25, 2019 / Posted by:

It was just a few short weeks ago that Wendy Williams channeled the ghost of Charlton Heston and told us somebody’d have to pry her wedding ring from her cold dead hands. Well, I guess Hell done froze over because even though she said we’d never see her without her wedding ring onin this lifetime”, Wendy was spotted leaving her sober house about 20 lbs of diamonds lighter. Maybe she had to hock it on Diamonds4Diapers.com to pay for her husband Kevin Hunter‘s rumored new baby.

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Olivia Jade And Her Sister Are Still Enrolled At USC

March 25, 2019 / Posted by:

Olivia Jade might actually have to worry about maintaining a 2.0 GPA because the poor thing is still enrolled at USC. Turns out neither her nor her sister Isabella Giannulli actually dropped out as previously reported after Operation Varsity Blues sent their folks, Lori Loughlin and Mossimo Giannulli, to jail (and then back to their multi-million dollar Bel Air Mansion after posting $1 million in bail. Each!). Maybe the girls are waiting to actually get expelled so they can qualify for student unemployment benefits. Look, I went to community college for 6 years, I obviously don’t know how any of this works. But according to Today, Olivia and Isabella STILL might have a paper due for their Navigating Media and News in the Digital Age class. Haha, as if they write their own papers!

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Barbra Streisand Believes Michael Jackson’s Accusers But…

March 22, 2019 / Posted by:

Why oh why couldn’t Barbra Streisand just stick to fun out of touch crazy rich lady stuff like cloning her dog twice over or having an entire shopping mall under her living room floor? Why’d she have to go and add her out of touch crazy rich lady stuff to the conversation about Michael Jackson’s alleged pedophilia? Babs was interviewed by The Times and revealed that while she absolutely believes Michael’s Leaving Neverland accusers, James Safechuck and Wade Robson, are telling the truth, she also wonders what’s the big deal since they’re both married and have children now. What’s more, she mostly blames their parents, not Michael, for what happened to them. Oh how I wish we could just go back to the way we were before she opened her mouth.

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