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Open Post: Hosted By A Man Who Doesn’t Understand How Pants Work

July 6, 2018 / Posted by:

Two minutes and four seconds doesn’t sound like a very long time. Even if you’re enduring something horrible, like getting your teeth cleaned or watching Donald Trump speak, you know that if you only have to endure it for 2:04, you’re gonna be ok. I’m here to tell you it is too long to take if you’re watching a drunk man trying to put his sweater on only his sweater is pants. Too long by far.

I think this video is supposed to be funny, but I could not laugh. I could only stare in awe as my chest compressed from proximal claustrophobia. Maybe you’ll fare better. Maybe you won’t be overcome with existential dread coupled with the words “please don’t let them be Polish, dear God I think they’re Polish” echoing through your head. I hope the next 2:04 are better for you than they were for me.

This could obviously happen to anybody. Once. Maybe twice. Three times I could even understand if you were really drunk enough. But I lost count at how many times he mummified his face in crotch seam. Dogged determination is one thing but dude, take a minute to reevaluate your situation! Regroup, take a few deep breaths, and come at this from a different angle. Even Sisyphus would have taken a break and considered dynamiting that rock to smithereens by this point. I thought it was gonna happen there for a second and I got so excited when he pulled them off and held them in front of his face, but nah.

And I wish a pox upon whoever filmed this. How dare you!? How dare you build all that tension and offer no release?! At a minimum, he could have giggled. But no, we are offered only 2:04 of angry words, a filthy room and suffocating man who will be trying to put his pants on his head on a perpetual loop in my head for all eternity.

Pic: YouTube

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Thomas Markle Is Afraid He’ll Never See His Daughter Duchess Meghan Again

July 6, 2018 / Posted by:

Thomas Markle is worried he’ll never see his precious daughter Duchess Meghan again now that she’s been captured by that evil ogre Prince Harry and imprisoned high up in a castle tower. The Royal couple never did make it to Mexico to visit the old man, and now The Mirror reports that Thomas is “heartbroken” and fears that he and Meghan may not “ever be together again”. Cue: your tears. Go! Go! This is you, you’re on! You’re supposed to be blubbering right now. But I guess if you’re a cold, heartless cynic, you might take Thomas sob story with a grain of salt.

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Don’t Worry, Amber Tamblyn Has Schooled David Cross About Sexism And Racism

July 5, 2018 / Posted by:

Amber Tamblyn is joining Sean Penn and James Franco in the elite club of actor/novelists. She’s got a book out called Any Man, and on a recent episode of the NPR podcast It’s Been A Minute with Sam Sanders, she described it as being about “several male survivors who are all pretty violently attacked by a female serial rapist”. Sounds like a fun summer read! But her weird book isn’t the only thing she talked about. Amber also discussed the “difficult conversations” she’s had to have with her man-child husband David Cross about his forays into racism and sexism. Don’t worry you guys, she fixed him!

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Miles Teller Will Play Goose Jr. In The “Top Gun” Sequel

July 5, 2018 / Posted by:

Hey guys, hope you had a good 4th of July. It was hard for me to work up even a modicum of patriotism this year, but since I had the day off, I wore black, scowled and drank wine all day like a real French bitch. Speaking of patriotism, Miles Teller, Shia LaBeouf’s less talented, boorish evil twin, just nabbed the role of Goose Jr. in the upcoming Top Gun sequel, Top Gun 2: Bottoms Up. According to The Hollywood Reporter, Miles will be playing the son of Anthony Edwards‘ characterNick “Goose” Bradshaw, who died in the original. Meg Ryan played Goose’s wife Carol, so canonically she’s Miles’ mom.

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Guy Pearce Claims Kevin Spacey Got Handsy With Him On “L.A. Confidential”

July 3, 2018 / Posted by:

Guy Pearce is the latest person to spill the beans about 20 years too late about Kevin Spacey’s predilection for giving unsolicited penis pats. Previously, Gabriel Byrne casually revealed that Kevin caused shooting on The Usual Suspects to shut down because of his inappropriate sexual behavior. Now, Guy reports in a recent interview that Kevin got “handsy” with him on the set of L.A. Confidential.

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Chris Pratt And Katherine Schwarzenegger Are Still Dating

July 3, 2018 / Posted by:

It seems there’s no stopping the Pratternegger! According to Us Weekly, the budding relationship between Chris Pratt and Katherine Schwarzenegger continues to bloom. Actually, Us says it’s “heating up” but these two seem about as hot and heavy for each other as the leg of cold picnic chicken served on a bed of leftover mashed potatoes straight from the fridge.

Us says that Katherine’s mom Maria Shriver is the one who set them up. She felt their mutual Godly activities meant they’d be a good match. According to Us, “Her mom set them up because they’re both active in the church”. What is Chris setting up folding chairs on Sunday mornings over at The Little Church Down The Lane on his weekends off? It’s all a little tidy for my taste, but if that’s the fantasy they’re going with, I’ll play along.

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