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If Marge Simpson Went Goth And Lost Her Brows In A Meth Lab Explosion…..

May 3, 2016 / Posted by:

And I didn’t know that Backdoor Farrah got a job as a reporter (no offense to that reporter in the bronze sequined top thing in the back).

Anna Wintour and the other foolery providers of the Met Gala should just declare that every year’s theme is LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME GOD LOOK AT ME. Because every year, one part of them tries to dress the theme, another part doesn’t even try and the others throw on some fucked-up shit and add a touch of something that goes with the theme. Katy Perry fell into the latter category. Last night, she answered the question, “What would it look like if Halle Berry’s character from B*A*P*S bleached her skin and starred as the Evil Queen in a low-budget straight-to-the-99-cent-section-of-the-iTunes-store reboot of Snow White and The Huntsman?

Katy Perry’s Hunger Games funeral dress was by Prada and her black No. 2 pencil eraser hair was by Dixon Ticonderoga. I’m going to take a wild guess and say that Katy hid razors in her wig and wanted all of those keys on her dress just in case she needed a weapon to shank a trick with if Taylor Swift’s Easy Bake Oven Brigade tried to jump her ass in the girls room.

The technology part of Katy’s ensemble was a Tamagotchi and her current piece Orlando Bloom also wore one on his tuxedo jacket pocket:

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Yup, that’s pretty much how you win the theme. And Orlando Bloom’s Tamagotchi took a shit on the red carpet. If that was his Tamagotchi’s official review for most of the looks on the carpet, I agree!

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

This Reboot Of “The Shining” Is A Million Times More Terrifying Than The Original

May 3, 2016 / Posted by:

Many book of fables will tell you that bridge trolls don’t do themes, because stupid human novelties like that are beneath them and the only thing that really brings them joy is hearing the blood-curdling moans of their victim as they siphon out that mortal’s soul for giving the wrong answer to their riddle. So, of course, Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen rolled their eyes at the Met Gala’s little theme, “Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology,” and instead showed up in their usual look: 400-year-old immortal witch who lives on the Upper East Side in Manhattan where by day, she runs a curiosities shop that specializes in vintage skulls of extinct animals, and by night, she sneaks into the bedrooms of sleeping children where she listens to their breathing before stealing the dreams from their dreamcatcher.

Honestly, I’d be disappointed if they did show up in some silver metallic gown and didn’t wear sacks made from the dusty curtains they snatched from an abandoned funeral home during the night. No, the Trollsens didn’t dress the theme (“What do you mean? We thought the theme was future and in the future when we take over the world, you’ll all be wearing these sacks as our sweat shop slaves.” – the Trollsens), but they did partake in Vogue’s photo booth thing. Using leftover set pieces from Michael and Janet Jackson’s “Scream” video, Vogue put together a photo booth and filmed guests doing their own thing. The Olsens did their own thing, which was to the freeze the souls of everyone with their eyes.

In your nightmares tonight, there will be a long hall and at the end of that hall you’ll find these two waiting for you. Pull out your Purell brand of holy water and prepare to spray it at the screen.

Ashley and Mary-Kate Olsen in the #ManusxMachina Experience. Directed by @gvsgvs. #MetGala

A video posted by Vogue (@voguemagazine) on

SANTO DIOS! Oh well, sleeping is overrated anyway. I don’t need it anymore.

Pics: Splash

Who Worked It Better?

May 3, 2016 / Posted by:

On the left is Claire Danes in a Zac Posen gown she wore to the Met Gala, and on the right is Cinderella in the Main Street Electrical Parade at Disney World. Yes, that side-by-side picture is very “what it looks like online vs. what you actually get in the mail,” but Cinderella still wins it for me and I’m only saying that because she once waved to me during the Electrical Parade at Disneyland in the late-80s. And nothing made the life of a young gay me like Cinderella waving directly to me. Yes, she was waving directly to me! I wasn’t drunk. I didn’t start drinking until I was at least 11. But anyway…

Zac Posen’s people pretty much lit up the clits of Twitter last night when they tweeted a picture of the fiber optic Cinderella gown they created for the Met Gala. At first, nobody really knew who was wearing it and it was rumored that professional event goer Heidi Klum’s ass was in it. (Side note: Heidi Klum did not go to the Meth Gala. Mark that day in history!) The Heidi rumors didn’t make sense to me, because that dress wasn’t b-hole hugging tight and covered in cut-outs. It was Angela Chase in that dress. To me, it was just a rented Cinderella costume with some lights in it, but the Internet’s retinas oozed out jizz over it, because we’re all just stoned cats who ooooh and awwww over sparkly things:

Starry night! #Zacposen #metgala #glamour @metmuseum @voguemagazine @instagram

A video posted by @zacposen on

And is prom season over? Because if not, we’re going to be hearing about a lot of girls electrocuting and burning their asses. So many of them are going to try to recreate this look using a discount wedding dress from David’s Bridal, Christmas lights and a portable generator on a dolly.

Pics: @Zac_Posen, Splash, Destination Florida

Hot Slut Of The Day!

May 3, 2016 / Posted by:

The topiary hair of wonder that Lupita Nyong’o wore to last night’s Met Gala!

When your hair has to stick out of the sunroof as you drive to the party and you have to swat away birds trying to build a nest at the top of your ‘do, you have done hair beauty right. Rita Ora was at the Mess Gala last night and usually she’s the one who makes everyone spit out a, “Who?” But last night, Lupita had everyone spitting out a “Who?” when she brought the Dr. Seuss-approved Who from Whoville glamour. It also gave me flashbacks to the Queen of Cannes Elena Lenina’s majestic butt plug hair.

It may not look like it, but Lupita completely kept with the whole “technology and future” theme of the ball. The sources (in my imagination) tell me that her hair was actually a working cell phone tower. Nobody at that party ever said, “Can you hear me now?“, while talking into their phone and it was all thanks to Lupita’s technologically advanced hair of perfection!

Pics: Getty, Splash

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Birthday Sluts

May 3, 2016 / Posted by:

Christina Hendricks (41)
Levi Johnston (26)
Mary Lambert (27)
Poppy Delevingne (30)
Meagan Tandy (31)
Cheryl “Mop Head” Burke (32)
Rebecca Hall (34)
Eric Church (39)
Willie Geist (41)
Dule Hill (41)
Damon Dash (45)
Bobby Cannavale (46)
Jeffrey Sebelia (46)
Nina Garcia (51)
Kevin Kilner (58)
Christopher Cross (65)
Richard Jenkins (69)
Chris Mulkey (68)
Greg Gumbel (70)
Ron Popeil (81)
Frankie Valli (82)

Pic: Flare

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It Looks Like Someone Just Discovered The Colored Contacts Booth At The Swap Meet

May 2, 2016 / Posted by:

Well, it’s nice to see that the contacts John Travolta wore to play Robert Shapiro found another gig on Kanye West’s eyeballs.

Kanye really does live inside of a fart bubble of delusion where he believe he’s a major trendsetter, because what in the hell is new about some beauty supply contacts and a bedazzled Levi’s jean jacket? (Although, THE QUEEN probably loves his goatee since it’s shaped like one of her pocketbooks.)

Nearly ever other girl in the early-90s had to go to the doctor for some pink eye shit they got from sleeping in discount colored contacts. Zillions of chicks wore some Siberian Husky contacts and also had a jean jacket that she glamour’d up with rhinestones and puffy paint from the craft store. And they all wore that shit better than Kanye did at the Met Gala tonight.

Anna Wintour probably has an assistant whose sole job is to provide an arm for her to dig her claws into when she fills with rage over a bitch fucking with her nerves. Well, that assistant probably almost lost their arm when Kanye showed up to the Met Gala in ripped jeans. And speaking of things ripping apart…

kanyeassgala2016

I will never be able to eat stovetop popcorn again without smelling burnt plastic, lead paint and piss, because Twitter ruined it for me by comparing Kim Kartrashian’s ass in that dress to Jiffy Pop that was left on the stove too long.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

It Wouldn’t Be The Met Gala Without Madge Showing Her Ass, So Madge Showed Her Ass

May 2, 2016 / Posted by:

“Why didn’t you design something like this for meeeeeee” is probably what Kanye West is going to whine into Riccardo Tisci’s ear tonight, because Riccardo Tisci designed this ass-less extravaganza for Madonna.

Anna Wintour would have had to throw another Met Gala tomorrow if Madge didn’t show up with her 57-year-old nalgitas and tits hanging out. Because it isn’t a Mess Gala until everyone’s eyes have eaten several servings of her butt dumplings. Madge’s ensemble was apparently made by Givenchy but it looks more like something from the Stevie Nicks collection for Frederick’s of Hollywood or a costume from a Games of Thrones porn parody. Never mind that fillers have warped Madge’s face into melting rubber oven mitt territory, what really bothers me about her ensemble is that it doesn’t go with the damn theme. The theme is supposed to be technology and future, not medieval ho-wear or Illuminati sex dungeon mistress! Madge disappointed me by not showing up in nothing but a fiber optic thong and holographic nipple cozies.

And well, if Rocco Ritchie or any of Madge’s kids ever want to get some free crack, it’ll be pretty easy. All they have to do is go up to a dealer and say, “Can I get some crack?” When the dealer says, “Kid, you’re way too young for the bad shit,” they just have to show these pictures and say, “My mom wore this wreck to the Met Gala.” BOOM! The dealer will hand over their entire supply and it’ll be on the house.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com, Getty

Beyonce’s Met Gala Dress Needs To Pay A Visit To The Free Clinic

May 2, 2016 / Posted by:

I just want to spray Beyonce down with some liquid antibiotics and acid, because she looks like a used condom covered in herpes and rolled in kitty litter.

As we all know by now, the theme for tonight’s Meth Gala is Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology, and it looks like Beyonce honored that theme by finding a way to copy and paste Zoe Saldana’s face onto hers, because that does not look like Beyonce. The rest of Beyonce’s look would be 100% perfect if the theme was A Night With Derek Jeter. Since Beyonce is a true artiste and everything she does has a message, maybe her doing herself up like a giant condom is her way of saying, “And I still don’t trust Jay!

That dress is also giving me “It rubs the lotion on its skin,” because it looks like she skinned someone with chronic eczema alive and wore their hide on her body. That dress doesn’t only need to be dipped in antibiotics, it also needs to be dipped in Proactiv.

And just like she did last year, Solange outdid her sister tonight. Basement Baby’s look will remind you of the time that your dog pissed on the floor and you didn’t have any paper towels to clean it up with so you had to use the coffee filters. While Beyonce has access to all of the fanciest designers in the world and still shows up wearing that mess, Basement Baby only has access to what she finds in the dumpster and she still comes up with ART!

solangemetgalahotness

Solange also kind of looks like a lemon that’s been mauled by a garbage disposal, and that’s my cue to write a 12,000 word think piece on how this look is her commentary on Lemonade.

Pics: Getty

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A Pile Of Butchered Space Snakes + A Warrior Ballerina + A Heaping Cup Of Nope = Taylor Swift At The Met Gal

May 2, 2016 / Posted by:

Earlier I threw up pictures of Carrie Underwoods wearing Judy Jetson’s quince dress. Well, here’s 2007 Chrissy Crocker’s hair twin Taylor Swift wearing the quince after-party dress that Judy Jetson snatched out of a clearance bin at a Wet Seal outlet on Mars.

Taylor Swift is about as edgy as the heart-shaped tear trickling down the face of a porcelain Precious Moments figurine, but yet she’s still trying to drive in RiRi’s lane. Taylor of Sunnybrook Farms is like that preppy friend in junior high school named Chelsea (pronounced Chell-sea-uh) who comes back from summer break as a goth girl, and her idea of goth is wearing black chipped nail polish and writing lyrics from The Smiths songs on her paper bag book cover during homeroom.

The mess of a look that Taylor wore to tonight’s MESS Gala needs some Adderall, because it’s all over the place. From the neck up is “little girl doing half-assed Debbie Harry drag.” From the neck down to her knees is “extra in Zenon: Girl of the 21st Century” (Side note: I can’t believe I’m referencing Zenon.) And from the knees down is “ballerina who works as a biker bar stripper at night and doesn’t have time to change shoes.

Because of those space scales and those shoes, I don’t know whether to throw her back into the space ocean or tell her ass to twirl away. Why not both?!

Pic: Getty

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