Only a few days ago, pompadours were lowered to half-staff when sad-eyed woeful twink angel Zayn Malik quit the group of crooning come-to-life Precious Moments figurines known as One Direction. Zayn apparently checked out of 1D, because he was sick of fame, and I guess what he meant by that is he was sick of sharing fame with those four twinks and wanted that spotlight all to himself! Zayn IS ready for his solo close-up, Mr. DeMille.
A quick second after Zayn left 1D (Important side note: My little cousin pronounces 1D as “Wendy“) to be “a normal 22-year-old,” he was spotted at a recording studio with some producer named Naughty Boy (which sounds like Tommy Girl’s Grindr name). I figured that Zayn was just recording a haunting goodbye lullaby to his fans before retiring to a desolate farm in Greenland to make volume gel out of goat milk and his sad tears. But nope, Zayn was working on a solo song. ESCANDALO (not at all)!
Last night, Louis Tomlinson of 1D (the Hugga Bunch doll with luscious merengue hair on the left) slapped at Naughty Boy on Twatter by tweeting: “Wow @NaughtyBoyMusic you’re so inconsiderate pal , seriously how fucking old are you ? Grow up ! #masterofallwisdom.” Naughty Boy slapped back a few times and it became the hardest and baddest music fight since the East Coast vs. West Coast battle. Naughty Boy eventually burped up a demo of the song he worked on with Zayn called “I Won’t Mind.”
Okay, so I get that Zayn was lying when he said that he just wants to be a normal person and what he really wants is to be the Justin Timberlake of One Direction. I get it. But this is his big “coming out as a single bitch” song?! It sounds like a song you’d hearing during a montage at the end of an episode of a show on The CW. I think I said “Bitch, say what?” at least four times during that song, because I had no idea what he was singing. It sounds like he’s singing while he’s got a peen in his mouth after getting a root canal. It sounds like he just graduated from Iggy Azalea’s School of Enunciation.
He should’ve learned from Ginger Spice and showed up with a real masterpiece that lets hos know to look at him and ignore those other 4 he was in a group with.
Scientology’s hilarious “We Stand Tall” music video.
Because I was busy scooting my sloppy ass across the East Coast this weekend, I didn’t get to see HBO’s crazy and creepy Scientology documentary Going Clear until last night. What’s crazy to me is that a multi-million dollar cult was born from some sci-fi pulp fiction books. I mean, if a multi-million dollar cult was born from Jackie Collins’ Lucky Santangelo series, that would make sense to me, because those books are actually hot. Shit, I’d probably be in that cult. I’d probably be the Spanky Taylor of Santangelology. What’s also crazy to me is that Radio Shack declared bankruptcy. Scientology probably spends millions upon millions on buying wires to make their stupid E-Meter cans with and to tap people’s phones, so you’d think that as long as they lived, Radio Shack would live.
A piece of Going Clear was spent on Scientology trying to get out of paying taxes and their long, shady fight with the IRS. In the late 70s, the FBI seized tons of documents from Scientology and the IRS later determined that the Cult of L. Ro owed $1 billion in taxes and they refused to give them church status. Scientology fought back by ordering thousands of their members to sue the IRS for not giving them church status. Thanks to their grifting and bullying ways, the IRS agreed to wave away the billion dollar bill and agreed to give them church status if their members dropped the lawsuits. I’m surprised Scientology hasn’t opened up an accounting firm where they terrorize the IRS until the IRS agrees to wave their clients’ tax bill. Everyone would go to them! H&R Block, who?
To celebrate making the IRS their bottom bitch, Scientology shat up a music video in 1990 that was like a “We Are The World” from the deep depths of Hell. The video shows some of the high-ranking bridge queens singing some shitty song in between shots of their brainwashed members smiling. Hmmmm, I wonder why they didn’t include footage of some their members getting beaten while doing hard labor?
Come for the bizarre creepiness, stay for the 90s fashions:
I bet Tommy Girl hums that song every time he slips on his favorite pair of big boy heels. Fun Fact: When that midget overlord David Miscavige stands tall, he’s about as tall as you when you slouch while on your knees.
Angus Young (60)
Jessica Szohr (30)
Jack Antonoff (31)
Ashleigh Ball (32)
Melissa Ordway (32)
Josh Saviano (39)
Ewan McGregor (44)
Samantha Brown (45)
Tony Cox (57)
Al Gore (67)
Rhea Perlman (67)
Valerie Curtin (70)
Gabe Kaplan (70)
Christopher Walken (72)
Richard Chamberlain (81)
Shirley Jones (81)
William Daniels (88)
If you took a Janice the Muppet doll, filled it up with helium until it almost popped, dipped it in orange wax and glued a marzipan peen where it’s nose is supposed to be, it would kind of look like Big Ang as a blond – Reality Tea
Suri Cruise brought her Chanel purse to the Kids’ Choice Awards, because it was a casual event full of filthy peasants, so she left her custom-made canary-diamond encrusted clutch at home – Lainey Gossip
Bikinis: Jessica Alba and Chrissy Teigen are in them – Egotastic!
And soon after releasing that statement, Cookie Lyon brought the broom out and went abuelita on her son’s ass for lying about getting racially profiled by the cops in Glendale – Celebitchy
The Spectre teaser trailer is here and I can’t with whoever was in charge of putting that shit together, because they should’ve known that the world is a shitty place and what we really need is some shots of a topless Daniel Craig – Towleroad
Brett Ratner was caught making out with some other chick who isn’t Mimi and if he’s really doing Mimi then now we know there are two humans on earth who want to touch tongues with Brett Ratner – WWTDD
Yolanda Foster’s other daughter who isn’t named Gigi Hadid got a job doing modeling stuff in a magazine too – Drunken Stepfather
JLo giving you “the Hamburglar smuggling two dozen cheeseburgers in the back of his pants” glamour – Popoholic
Don’t wear these around Mama June or she’ll bite your tit and crotch off – OMG Blog
“What would Shane from The L Word wear?” is what Kristen Stewart and her partner in pussy say every day before picking their outfits – Popsugar
“See, Bill Cosby gets it!” said every pedophile Catholic priest – The Superficial
Iggy Azalea looked like a late 90s hair salon assistant manager at the iHeartRadio Awards – IDLYITW
FYI: Here’s Zendaya’s “when you’ve got to work extra hard to squeeze that fart out” face – Hollywood Tuna
Deadline’s non-sorry for that THINK OF THE WHITE ACTORS shit they wrote is worse than the damn article – Jezebel
Justin Timberlake remembered Jessica Biel’s first name when thanking her at the iHeartRadio Awards. You know it took him a minute – HuffPo
Scott Disick just took a little booze-filled vacation from rehab, okay? – ICYDK
Gross Harvey Weinstein accused of being illegally gross (read: groping a woman) – Just Jared
To quote the Backstreet Boys: TELL ME WHY?!
And now here’s Liam Hemsworth once again showing us what happens you middle part your hair and you’re not a member of the Backstreet Boys in the 90s or Shawn Hunter from Boy Meets World. Liam Hemsworth obviously didn’t learn shit from Bradley Cooper, because when B. Coop tried to work the middle-parted hair look, he looked like the human form of DERP who has been arrested several times for getting caught licking the sanitary liners on bikinis in the dressing room area of a Victoria’s Secret. I thought B. Coop taught us all to just say NO when it comes to middle-parted hair.
But I guess Liam Hemsworth was out sick that day, because here he is wearing middle-parted hair in the year 2015 at the Kids’ Choice Awards on Sunday night. When are hos going to learn that when your drivers license doesn’t say the name Leonardo DiCaprio and the year isn’t 1997, do not attempt the middle part. If you don’t have to take 6 hot bleach showers daily, because Lou Pearlman slobbers while looking at you all day since you’re a 16 year old Nick Carter, do not attempt the middle part. If you’re not Jon Hamm on a dating show, do not attempt the middle part.
If you insist on middle parting your hair, at least go full 90s. This would’ve been the look if Liam was wearing a hip-hop Looney Tunes t-shirt, Cross Colours baggy capris and Skechers Chrome Domes. But this is not the look, because Liam did not commit.
Fix it, Moses. You parted the Red Sea, now un-part that hair.
Brace yourselves. If Madge is the newest member of Taylor Swift’s Pussy Posse (which is like Leonard DiCatchAHo’s Pussy Posse except that they play with actual kittens instead of model vagina), she’ll be the “~cool~ really, really older sister” of that mob of basics and we’ll soon see pictures on Instagram of her teaching the girls how to suck peen by deep throating a water bottle (or a watermelon) and pictures of her and Tay Tay freezing Lena Dunham’s chonies after everyone passes out in a sugar coma from eating the heart-shaped tarts they made in the Easy Bake Oven.
While dressed like a ringmaster at a circus that doubles as a bordello, Madge sung her new single “Ghosttown” as Taylor Swift played the guitar at the iFartRadio Awards last night. I watched this in my hotel room last night and at first I couldn’t see Tay Tay’s face. I just saw that jacked up blond “freshly fucked David Cassidy“ hair, so I thought it was a really skinny C.C. DeVille in a silky slip. But my hard nipples went soft when I realized it was Tay Tay and not C.C. DeVille in a silky slip.
It’s only Monday, but you may get in your weekly quota of eyeball calisthenics while watching Taylor, who looks like Stevie Nicks’ mop, turn on the sexyface and get all dramatic like she’s Slash or some shit.
Well, the good news is that Madge didn’t try to shock us all by wet scissoring with Tay Tay during the last verse. She’s probably saving that move for the VMAs. And if you somehow didn’t meet your weekly eye roll quota while watching that video, Tay’s tweet might do it. She tweeted that she’s “ugly crying forever” over performing with Madge. Weekly eye roll quota met!
And here’s Tay Tay with all the awards she won last night.
Pics: Getty, Wenn.com
This puppy-loving tiny monkey!
I don’t know why this happens or keeps on happening, but it’s Monday again. Until we as a society stop this from happening and get rid of Monday forever, Mondays will continue to fuck with us. But then again, if we got rid of Mondays, Tuesday would become the new Monday. Whatever, what I’m getting at is that since Monday is here to fart on all of our souls and I’ll be in an airplane for a huge chunk the day, I figured we could all use a video of a capuchin monkey covering a litter of brand new fresh-out-of-the-cooch puppies with love, kisses and more love. That little monkey with a Jude Law hairline doesn’t know what to do with all those PUPPEHS!
Now you know that if you ever want a neck massage from a little monkey, just disguise yourself as a puppy. This video is like Prozac-infused weed and I’ll awwww over it until some Debbie Downer bitch comes in and says that puppies have a special kind of dandruff on them that capuchin monkeys are deathly allergic to or that capuchins eat puppies and that little monkey is just massaging the meat.
And I’m going to need an extended director’s cut of this video, because I need to know what happens after that monkey throws a, “Okay, so I pet them, massaged them, kissed them and picked their fleas, so now what?” look.
Eric Clapton (70)
Allie Gonino (25)
Capri Anderson (27)
Anna Nalick (31)
Norah Jones (36)
Mili Avital (43)
Mark Consuelos (44)
Celine Dion (47)
Donna D’Errico (47)
Piers Morgan (50)
Tracy Chapman (51)
Ian Ziering (51)
MC Hammer (53)
Paul Reiser (58)
Robbie Coltrane (65)
Warren Beatty (78)
Peter Marshall (89)
And here’s an important historical artifact of 1988 that proves the key ingredients for a glamorous blow-out party are: wine coolers in plastic cups, cigarettes stolen from somebody’s dad, Roxette and two Tina Yothers look-alikes who are dressed like 50-year-old country club wives and who are working the exquisite AquaNet-covered Molly Ringwald bob that everybody worked in the 80s.
Someone uploaded this glamorous blast from 1988 of a major rager (read: 6 teens smoking for the first time while listening to Roxette) that almost blows the roof off of that house until the host’s parents shut that shit down. You know shit is real serious when your mom calls you “kiddo.” It’s like hearing a cop tell you to step out of the vehicle. You know you’re screwed. I bet that dude got put on restriction and he totally missed new episodes of Just The Ten Of Us, because his mom took away his TV privileges. Basically, your life as you know it is OVER when your mom calls you “kiddo.”
And the real star of this video is the dad who says “shithead” at the end. He’s probably pissed because his son and those 80s mom-looking teenage girls smoked his cigarettes and drank his booze.
My cousin texted me the other day and the only thing she wrote was, “AS IT GROOVES.” I knew exactly what she was referencing and was taken back to junior high school where they’d play “Wiggle It” at the dances and 7th graders would freak dance to that shit. “Wiggle It” was an early 90s ear worm hit from 2 In A Room who were a rap duo from NYC. They had a couple of other semi-hits, but “Wiggle It” was their Mona Lisa!
It was everywhere and I’m pretty sure it was one of my cousins’ “voicemail message song.” You know, when you’d call my cousin’s voicemail, the song would play for a few seconds before she’d say, “Hey, what’s up, it’s Larissa. Leave me a message and I’ll get back to as soon as I can.” “Wiggle It” was probably everyone’s voicemail message song at some point in the 90s.
By the mid 90s, 2 In A Room had already broken up, but who cares that they only lasted for a quick minute. When they burped up this masterpiece, their job was done.
And that hot piece in the blue Speedo at the 2:18 mark who grabs that cutie by the hand is a HSOTD runner-up, because he really knows how to wiggle it. As it grooves!