During the taping of The Real Housewives of Atlanta reunion last month, eyelashes flew and the smoke detectors went off from the burnt pancake makeup fumes when black history scholar Porsha Stewart went after and dragged slut from the 90s (copyright: Porsha) Kenya Moore. Bravo supposedly gave Porsha a pink slip and an application to Subway after she turned Kenya into her own personal mop. Well, now Porsha has been charged with assault and she turned herself in today. I don’t know what the weather was like in Atlanta today, but if the sun was out and the sky had an ethereal glow to it, that was civil rights activist Hosea Williams beaming with pride over his granddaughter getting arrested for fighting with some trick at a reality show reunion.
E! News says that Porsha was booked, her mug shot of glamour was taken, she posted bond and sashayed out of there. Porsha’s mug shot is very “beauty school yearbook picture circa 1983.” Porsha may be dumber than a piece of wet tampon lint, but she knows how to deliver the glamour in a mug shot. The expert at Maaco who painted her face and the licensed contractor who glued black broom bristles to her eyelids did an amazing job.
Andy Cohen talked about this wreck of a fight during an episode of @sk Andy and he called it “gross.” You might not able to read what he said since your seeing globes probably rolled out of your head and your cat are playing with them on the floor.
“To me, it came out of nowhere. The other women felt that Kenya kind of provoked her a little bit and was provoking her. I think I was just so shocked and so surprised, and I was just really upset. I don’t want that happen. I think it’s gross, and I think it’s just totally inappropriate, it’s wrong, it’s not entertaining. It’s just bad.”
I wonder what Andy’s definition of “really upset” is, because I’m not sure I would use those words to describe his ass getting so hot and tingly over Porsha and Kenya scrappin’ that a Bravo production assistant had to grab a Q-Tip. Andy was so grossed out by the whole thing that his nipples throbbed and milk squirted out of ‘em as he thought about the bonus check he’ll get once the ratings come in. Andy was so disgusted that he called up his realtor to let them know to go ahead and make an offer on that Hamptons beach house. Bravo and Andy are so grossed out that they’re going to air the fight on the reunion on Sunday. They’re so severely, severely, sickeningly disgusted that they’re probably going to air the raw footage on Pay-Per-View. I hope Mama Dionesia is on the sidelines throwing voodoo curses at all of them.
The first trailer for the Rosemary’s Baby mini-series is here. SPOILER ALERT: The real spawn of Satan turns out to be that wig on Zoe Saldana’s head – Just Jared
Channing Tatum really wants some of that X-Men franchise money – Lainey Gossip
The unpaid professional Instagram model who is only famous because she was once a tickle in Wayne Gretzky’s nutsack stars in a behind-the-scenes video for Golf Digest that is about as fascinating as golf itself – Drunken Stepfather
Charlie Sheen’s wasting $100,000 on a dumb engagement party, which is “I’ll give you one of my internal organs for that” kind of money to you and me, but is nothing to him. $100,000 goes up his nose on a weekly basis – Celebitchy
When Tracy Morgan is worried about you, you’re passed the point of severely fucked up – The Superficial
Doogie Howser’s Hedwig body weighs less than his Hedwig wigs, basically – Towleroad
Venus de Milo, is that you, girl? – Hollywood Tuna
The talking wig’s out there on the ho stroll hawking pancake-flavored vodka and other booze flavors that will compel your stomach to purge – Reality Tea
US Airways didn’t fire the employee who twatted out that planegina tweet, but no word if they promoted them to Director of EVERYTHING which is what they should do – Jezebel
Chelsea Handler tweeted this picture of her holding some CBS documents. While Chelsea Handler throws an “I’m coming for your job” look at Craig Ferguson, I’m wishing that her dog farted her on crotch – Pajiba
Emily Blunt should call up Weight Watchers to help her lose ALL THAT TONS OF BABY WEIGHT – Popoholic
Alicia Silverstone joins Jenny McCarthy and Kristin Cavawhatever’s anti-vaxx team, which is just the team you want to be on when it comes to medical science – ICYDK
It’s been a long day, so rest your eyeballs on Orlando Bloom’s hairless ass cheeks - OMG Blog
Dax Shepard comes out as a Bradaloonie – Popsugar
In case you need reminding that Walmart is a ~special~ place – The Berry
FYI: The fetus growing in Mila Kunis’ body has a vagina – IDLYITW
Simon Cowell is really sorry for being a home wrecking whore – Celebslam
Kendra Wilkinson is still knocked up – Moe Jackson
Rapper Christ Bearer, Who’s Affiliated With Wu-Tang Clan, Cut Off His Peen Before Jumping Off Of A Balcony
And now here’s a giant side of WTF and a giant side of SAD to go with your lunch, which I’m hoping isn’t a kielbasa sandwich….
TMZ says that Wu-Tang affiliated rapper Christ Bearer (government name: Andre Johnson) was taken to Cedars-Sinai in L.A. early this morning after he Lorena Bobbitt’d himself and jumped off of a second story balcony in North Hollywood. The cops are treating it as a suicide attempt. A police source told TMZ that after someone called 911, they showed up to the apartment building and found Andre lying on the sidewalk in a bad way. Andre is currently laid up in the hospital in critical condition. TMZ also let it be know that the status of his peen is not known at this time.
Christ Bearer is in the rap duo Northstar, which was discovered by RZA in 1998, and is also in other Wu Tang-affiliated groups. Members of one of the groups tell TMZ that they live in the same building as Christ Bearer. They say that out of nowhere, Christ Bearer cut off his dick and then jumped off of the balcony without warning. They say that he wasn’t on any kind of drugs that would cause him to do that and by the time they got downstairs he was running around screaming incoherently.
Yes, my brain is still shivering with the WHATTHEFUCKS and I do not appreciate your Johnson jokes at this time. I hardly leave my house, but when I do I always wish that a dick will fall on my head. I’m not going to make that wish anymore.
Every dude in Hollywood who likes to get their prostates poked by a strap-on operated by a skinny ass model just crossed Heidi Klum’s name off of their list of potential pieces, because her strap-on game is whack. Not bending her piece over: – 100 points! Not pulling her piece’s hair: – 200 points! Yes, tapping his nip with her nail gets her 20 points, but it’s still not enough. Bitch needs strap-on training from Bland Eggs.
27-year-old art dealer and cougar magnet Vito Schnabel was getting on Demi Moore’s cougar cooch a little over a year ago and now he’s jumping on Heidi Klum’s 40-year-old titty sacks. Before Vito was boning Demi, he was doing Elle McPherson. Vito is certified cougar meat. So either the famous cougars just love a 20-something piece who knows his art and kind of looks like the human version of Spuds MacKenzie or Vito’s got a strong dick that can fuck the pre-menopause out of anyone.
Here’s a few more NSFW pictures of Heidi bringing some Vitamin D to her nips while hanging around with her new piece in Tulum, Mexico.
Pics: Pacific Coast News
After Paul Walker died, the producers of the Fast & Furious movies said that the 7th movie will go on, because it’s what he would’ve wanted and they want to pay tribute to him. Yes, because Hollywood movie producers definitely think of other humans before they think of the faucet that dribbles out money into their savings accounts getting turned off.
Paul Walker was in the middle of shooting scenes for Fast & Furious 7 (alternate title: THEY’RE MAKING ANOTHER ONE OF THOSE CAR MOVIES?!) when he died and he still had a few more scenes to shoot. The producers pressed pause on shooting and used the time to figure out what they were going to do. There were rumors that they were going to either write Paul’s character out or use a creepy CGI Paul Walker to complete the movie. They are going to use CGI, but they’re going to pair it with doubles played by Paul Walker’s brothers. The producers said on Facebook (via Vulture) yesterday that Caleb and Cody Walker (which sounds like the title of a hit Nickelodeon show about two twin country stars who take over their family’s cow milking business) have stepped in to finish their brother’s scenes.
The FAST & FURIOUS saga is about family. The characters are connected by the bond of family, and it is how all of us who have worked together for more than thirteen years feel about each other. It certainly defines how we feel about our fans.
Our family experienced an unthinkable shock in November. We had to take time to grieve Paul, the brother we love and lost, and to figure out if we should move on with our film.
We came together and all felt the only choice was to continue. We believe our fans want that, and we believe Paul would want that too. Paul had already shot his dramatic scenes and most of his action for FAST & FURIOUS 7, and it’s among the strongest work of his career.
We have resumed shooting and now welcome Paul’s brothers, Caleb and Cody, into our FAST family. Caleb and Cody are helping us complete some remaining action for their brother and fill in small gaps left in production. Having them on set has made us all feel that Paul is with us too.
Let’s hope that next year, Caleb and Cody are nominated for a highly-esteemed MTV Movie Award against Ice Cube and Kevin Hart for Ride Along 2: We’re Still Riding Along and WIN. The world needs another Ice Cube meltdown.
And just like that, thousands of psychiatrists who have never treated Donnie Wahlberg just diagnosed him with psychotic depression and severe masochism. Their evidence? He asked the silicone-brained stick of dull wax that is Jenny McCarthy to marry him.
Today on The View, a relic from the 90s that won’t go away announced to the cackling hyenas around her that she’s getting married to a relic from the 90s who can still fill the panties of 30-somethings with crotch pudding. Back peddaler Jenny McCarthy showed off the yellow sapphire and diamond ring that I hope Donnie Wahlberg bought at Claire’s, because New Kids on the Block’s only got so many reunions tours in them and he shouldn’t waste his cash on some shit that’ll be pawned off in a couple of years (I’m being generous) after the divorce. Jenny told the hysterical hens that after dating for about a year, Donnie proposed last weekend with help from her son Evan. Here’s the clip of Jenny announcing she’s getting pre-divorced and as that blonde enema full of crazy did an obnoxious “YAY” dance, the Wahlbergs all cried themselves into a giant puddle of woe. They already have one crazy in their family (see: Marky Mark) and now they’ve got two.
Somewhere, Donnie is having ear plugs surgically installed in his ear holes, because he knows that it’s the only way he’ll be able to fully deal with a crazy bitch who thought he liked dick, because he didn’t try to wet hump her two seconds after meeting her.
And Donnie has hung out with Jenny and her fellow anti-vaxxers for a year and hasn’t caught the measles yet, which tells me he’s been vaccinated, which brings a smile out of my face, because Jenny has obviously swallowed some vaccine-infused jizz.
After ruling over the peasant babies of New Zealand and letting them know that yes, he’ll take their toys, and no, they won’t say shit about it, the most powerful baby in Britain, whose shits have more say than the Prime Minister, landed in Sydney today. Peasant babies of Australia, hide yo toys!
Baby Prince George and his two mere escorts, Duchess Kate and Prince William, are into week two of their all-expenses government-paid vacation masquerading as work and today they started the Australian leg of their tour. (You’re not alone if your brain immediately ejaculates up the image of Chris Hemsworth’s thighs when you read the words “Australian leg.”) Royal clothes hanger Duchess Kate wore a yellow dress that your mother will wear to Easter mass this Sunday if your mother is a WASPY, Buick Regal-driving type who gets “Allison Sugarbaker” when she takes Buzzfeed’s “Which Designing Woman Are You?” quiz. I’m joking about your mom wearing that dress since it sold out before Duchess Kate’s traveling lady-in-waiting zipped it up. Prince William wore who cares and Baby Prince George wore an elegant ass onesie with puffed sleeves that if my baby self wore to a playdate, I’d get the shit kicked out of me. But Baby Prince George proves that only a truly powerful man can pull off puffed sleeves (see: King Henry VIII, Prince and Seinfeld). The huffs from his haters will make Baby Prince George’s puffed sleeves puffier.
Here’s more of the royals in Sydney today and I can’t wait to see their photo-op with Australia’s ambassadors to the world Kath & Kim.
Backdoor Farrah releases an insomnia cure-all: Thursday Night Missionary. - TheBluebirdOfCrappiness
Fifty Shades of Neigh. – usernamestaken
via Outside (Yes, horse yoga is a thing that exists)
Domino’s newest artery-clogging gimmick: Pizza with a Popcorn Chicken Crust!
Domino’s hasn’t mastered the art of making pizza yet (and I type that as a bitch who regularly eats their salt lick-covered in cheese and meat shit, because I hate my internal organs), but they’re taking on chicken now and farting out some crap they’ve called “Speciality Chicken.” According to Eater, Domino’s idea of “Speciality Chicken” is a pizza with chicken standing in as the crust. So it’s basically just popcorn chicken with a whole lot of toppings thrown on top. It’s some kind of sloppy, thrown together “chicken casserole” my mom would make using leftovers. This Mama June after birth comes in four flavors: Crispy Bacon & Tomato, Classic Hot Buffalo, Spicy Jalapeno-Pineapple, and Sweet BBQ Bacon.
I fully expect Pizza Hut, the masters of heart attack-inducing fuckery, to answer to Domino’s Popcorn Chicken Pizza by releasing a fried chicken pizza covered in pizza dough and served with liquefied bacon sauce and an ace inhibitor butter chaser.
That crap looks like several kinds of species had abortions on top of a pile of tumors before Brit Brit covered it with her discharge, but I. Still. Would.