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Marnie From Girls Will Sing And Fly As NBC’s Peter Pan

July 30, 2014 / Posted by:

NBC is following up their casting of a soulless, bland American Girl Doll who can sing as Maria Von Trapp by casting a soulless, bland American Girl Doll who can sing as Peter Pan! I can’t wait until this time next year when NBC announces that Lana Del Ambien will be Mama Rose in Gypsy Live! 

Brian Williams must have some serious embarrassing shit on the head of NBC (examples: pictures of him spit-roasting the NBC Peacock with Matt Lauer, audio of him sloppily and loudly sucking off Jay Leno’s chin during the late night wars… ), because NBC announced today that his daughter will play the title role in Peter Pan Live! opposite Christopher Walken as Captain Hook this December. The second star to the right shines thanks to her daddy’s influence!

A grown woman playing Peter Pan in the Peter Pan musical isn’t weird since a grown woman usually plays Peter Pan in that shit (see: Mary, Martin, Cathy Rigby and Sandy Duncan). But it’s really weird that Marnie from Girls is playing Peter Pan. There are so many grown women who can perfectly play a young boy, like Pink and Justin Bieber, and NBC goes with Allison Williams? NBC should go full foolery and fill the Peter Pan Live! cast with hos from Girls. Adam Is Tiger Lily! Shosh IS Wendy! Lena Dunham IS Smee! Hate aside, I’m actually into this casting, because Allison Williams’ Peter Pan wig alone is going to be the fuel that feeds this future train wreck. I can’t wait!

Allison told The Wrap that playing Peter Pan is a dream she’s had since birth, practically:

“I have wanted to play Peter Pan since I was about three years old, so this is a dream come true. It’s such an honor to be a part of this adventure, and I’m very excited to get to work with this extraordinarily talented team. And besides, what could go wrong in a live televised production with simultaneous flying, sword fighting and singing?”

First of all, she’s lying. We all know that Allison’s main dream when she was three was to marry a Disney prince, live in a kingdom made of cotton candy and adopt a unicorn that poots out heart-shaped glitter cookies. She was THAT girl (and I was THAT boy, because that was my dream too and yes, it still is). Second of all, actors saying “I’ve had this dream since I was 3″ is the new “over the moon.” They always say that shit. I might’ve been impressed if she said, “While doing the backstroke in my daddy’s nutsack, I hoped that one day I’d get out of there and put on a busted wig to play Peter Pan in a TV musical.”

Hot Slut Of The Day!

July 30, 2014 / Posted by:

The flight attendant on the Australian airline Jetstar who gave passengers the best customer service when he told them to flush all their drugs down the toilet before landing.

At the end of a late night flight to Sydney on Sunday, the crew were told that bad shit-sniffing dogs and officers were waiting at the gate to search passengers for drugs. The flight was carrying a lot of people coming back from the Splendour in the Grass music festival (read: a bunch of drugged out MESSES), so one flight attendant did them all a favor by warning them to feed their drugs to the toilet if they wanted to avoid a Brokedown Palace Australian-style situation. The Daily Telegraph says that the hero flight attendant gave this pro-tip before landing:

“We have been told there are sniffer dogs and quarantine officers waiting in the domestic terminal. If you need to dispose of anything you shouldn’t have we suggest you flush it now.”

The Telegraph claims that a lot of people ran to the toilets after that announcement. Who knows if those people were just having a laugh or if they were really flushing their stashes down the toilet. I don’t know, but one witness did say that after the flight landed, Lindsay Lohan was seen holding a giant bag under the place where the plane’s sewer lines get cleared.

Some passengers were shocked and offended over the announcement, because their pearl clutching muscle was feeling a little weak and they wanted to work it out some more. Jetstar issued a statement and apologized for one of their own going off script.

“We’re required to play a pre-recorded quarantine announcement for customers on all flights across interstate and territory borders within Australia. Our procedures also allow cabin crew to deliver the quarantine message through a public announcement and on this occasion the crew member elected to do so. The crew member’s words were poorly chosen and are plainly at odds with the professional standards we’d ­expect from our team. We’re addressing the matter with the cabin crew member involved.”

I hope by “addressing the matter with the cabin crew member involved,” they mean promoting him to President of Customer Service and Everything, because when choosing an airline, you should always choose an airline that will let you know when you need to sadly part with your stash at the toilet or shove it all the way up your culo. In possibly related news, Charlie Sheen announced that he’s quitting Hollywood and has taken a job as a toilet on a Jetstar plane.

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Birthday Sluts

July 30, 2014 / Posted by:

Vivica A. Fox (50)
Diana Vickers (23)
Yvonne Strahovski (32)
Hope Solo (33)
Misty May-Treanor (37)
Jaime Pressley (37)
Hilary Swank (40)
Elvis Crespo (43)
Tom Green (43)
Christine Taylor (43)
Christopher Nolan (44)
Simon Baker (45)
Terry Crews (46)
Lisa Kudrow (51)
Alton Brown (52)
Laurence Fishburne (53)
Richard Linklater (54)
Kate Bush (56)
Delta Burke (58)
Ken Olin (60)
Frank Stallone (64)
Jean Reno (66)
Arnold Schwarzenegger (67)
Paul Anka (73)
Peter Bogdanovich (75)

Pic: Derek Blanks

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Orlando Bloom Tried To Punch Out Justin Bieber In Ibiza (UPDATE)

July 29, 2014 / Posted by:

Well, if anything can make the world temporarily join together and slow clap while cackling, it’s this. Both TMZ and The Daily Mail say that Orlando Bloom, who I always thought was as gentle as a butterfly sitting on a hippie’s flower crown, tried to punch the faux hood Kid Sister doll that is Justin Bieber at Cipriani in Ibiza early Wednesday morning. I know, we really shouldn’t be slow clapping for Orlando Bloom and I’m not saying that because he almost committed douche toddler abuse. I’m saying it, because he missed. YOU HAD ONE JOB, ORLANDO!

Some source tells The Daily Mail that 37-year-old Orlando is the one who started shit with the 4-year-old chunky, dried skid mark clinging to humanity’s saggy chonies. There’s a rumor that Miranda Kerr passed her poon to the Biebs (Side note: And suddenly I have sucio images of a Kewpie Doll with hair rubbing on a Baby Alive doll) while she was married to Orlando and Orlando might’ve revenged fucked Selena Gomez. Miranda Kerr is probably the reason why Legolas wanted to knock the Cabbage Patch doll stuffing out of the Biebs. The source spit this out:

“Justin was being cordial, and everything was fine. But then Orlando was annoyed when he saw it was Justin and instigated by taking a swing at Justin. Justin ducked, and Orlando’s punch missed. People intervened, some minor pushing, then they were separated. Justin stayed for a while after.”

TMZ says that when the Biebs ducked Orlando’s punch, he shouted, “What’s up bitch?” The crowd apparently started cheering and clapping when the Biebs left.

This junior high school quad bullshit. Normally I’d say that Orlando Bloom is re-defining “too old for this shit,” but you’re never too old to slap the smugness out of Justin Bieber. I’ve always said that he needs to feel the wrath of an abuelita’s chancleta. But really, the one who should be throwing the punches here is Miranda Kerr and she should be throwing punches at her own face for sexing on Justin Bieber. Nasty Mary Kay Letourneau ass trick.

Here’s the video from TMZ which starts right after Orlando tried to fist the Biebs. It’s so blurry that it could be Punky Brewster screaming at Barbara Hershey with a bob for all we know.

UPDATE: And the Biebs yanked at Orlando’s curls by Instramming (and then deleting) this:

mirandakerricant

Night Crumbs

July 29, 2014 / Posted by:

Hilary Duff’s back with a new song and video that reminds you that 2004 was a year that existed in time and she’s never letting it go – Drunken Stepfather

Chris Martin and Goopy Paltrow went a movie premiere in the Hamptons together, but the real story is that she actually sat on a theater seat that has been sat on by thousands of peasants. Yeah, right. She probably made the theater sandblast all the seats with organic bleach before reupholstering them with beluga whale leather – Lainey Gossip 

Can Leonardo DiCatchAHo please take his piece Toni Garrn to the name changing office to get a new name already, because I don’t like getting my hopes up when I read “Toni Garrn Topless On A Boat” as “Teri Garr Topless On A Boat” - WWTDD

Brandi AnalGlandVille is putting out a new wine she should call Glan Juice, and I guess this means that it’s only a matter of time before you see a bottle of Chateau Falkor on sale at Big Lots – Celebitchy

How many Hobbit movies do we need????? – Towleroad

The Couples Therapy reunion is going to be like walking through a rose garden. So many demure and delicate flowers…. – Reality Tea

What in Gollum in a Missoni playsuit HELL is this? – The Superficial

Chrissy Teigen knows how to dress – Hollywood Tuna

JLo Kardashian is still wearing her wedding ring, which means she’s still married, which means I lost the Dlisted office pool, which means that Allison is now the proud owner of a half-used Chili’s gift card – Popoholic

Let this drunk flower show you the easiest way to get all the diseases at once – Jezebel

Nerdception: Harry Potter disguised himself at Spider-Man to go to Comic-Con – ICYDK

Happy Lipstick Day! – The Berry

Derp happiness is Leonardo DiCaprio joyfully picking his ass during a water gun battle – Popsugar

When the Hulk met the HulkSOW

Portia de Rossi and Ellen DeGeneres do the damage control strut – Just Jared

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A Woman Name Princess Left Her Young Kids In Her SUV To Blow Her Boyfriend In A Walmart Parking Lot

July 29, 2014 / Posted by:

That’s a headline that’ll make the entire state of Florida shake in fear over their future, because this happened in Louisiana and not in Florida. Florida, Louisiana is coming for your title as America’s foremost producer of fuckery.

The Smoking Gun brings us this story that reads like something straight out of a book of People of Walmart fanfiction. A 25-year-old mother of two named Princess Marks (it’s always a Princess) was arrested after she admitted to cops that she was slurping up her “boyfriend’s” peen in his car while her kids, ages 5 and 7, were left by themselves in her SUV. At 12:30 in the morning on Friday, the cops showed up to a Walmart parking lot in Lake Charles, LA after someone called 911 to report two little kids left in an SUV by themselves. The SUV wasn’t running and all the windows were down. Princess Marks strolled up to her SUV a few minutes later and told the cops that she left her kids by themselves while she sucked her man’s dick and she also admitted that it was kind of impossible to keep an eye on her kids since her face was full of man crotch.

Princess was charged with child desertion and was later released on $5,000 bail. Her kids are being taken care of by family members.

If you’re shaking your head at Princess and saying to yourself that she sucks as a mother and shouldn’t have anymore kids, ask yourself this, don’t you think she knows that? Why do you think she was giving a blow job instead screwing?

Princess has a pair of perfectly sculpted eyebrows, so I should trust all the decisions she makes, but I can’t. If the dude was really her boyfriend and if she was really giving him head, then she needs to dumps his ass immediately, because how can you be with a dude who won’t look out for the cops and check on your kids while you’re licking his peen?  That’s a question you should ask during every first date. As soon as you sit down, ask the dude, “If I suck you off in a Walmart parking lot at midnight, are you going to check for the cops and check on my kids in the next car over?” If he looks at you funny or says no, ask the server to pack up your appetizer to go and get out of there. He’s obviously not boyfriend material.

And this story is a PSA to all future parents: This is what happens you name your kid Princess.

Open Post: Hosted By A Photobombing Prince Hot Ginge

July 29, 2014 / Posted by:

Last week, THE QUEEN got caught in a picture taken by two Australian hockey plays who were later arrested by the royal guards, tried for treason and have been forced to work as Prince Phillip’s diaper nurse for jumping into HER picture. Well, at the Commonwealth Games in Glasgow yesterday, Prince Hot Ginge had to show THE QUEEN up and let everyone know that he’s the best photobomber of the royal family. New Zealand rugby coach Sir Gordon Tietjens, Sport Manawatu chief executive Trevor Shailer and sports psychologist Gary Hermansson were taking a picture together when behind them, a panty creaming ginger lighting bolt popped into their picture. Those dudes were probably wondering why it felt like the sun was humping their backs. Fun fact: The dude on the left had a full head of silver hair before this picture was taken, but all of it burned off as soon as PHG jumped in.

I don’t know Sir Gordon, Trevor and Gary, but I hate them and I’m so jealous I could barf all over them. Because they can say that Prince Hot Ginge has bombed them hard from behind while flashing two thumbs up. Who can say that’s happened to them? (Cut to every skinny ass, dirty blonde white trick in Britain raising her hand.)

Pics: Splash, Getty, Facebook

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Kendull Jenner Worked Really Hard To Be Taken Seriously As A Model

July 29, 2014 / Posted by:

If you’ve ever wanted to hear a silence like you’ve never heard before, gather the entire fashion industry together and ask them which one of them takes Kendall Jenner seriously as a model. You wouldn’t even hear crickets, because the crickets would find a way to shut their mouths up. They don’t want you to think they’re on Team Pimp Mama Kris.

Kendull Jenner wouldn’t be one of PMK’s spawns if liquid delusion didn’t run through her veins and feed her brain. Kendull is on the cover of Love Magazine and everyone knows that she only got that cover, because Kim Kartrashian wrapped her kooch around Ray-J’s macaroni-shaped dick in front of a camera a million years ago and Kanye West regularly sips tea with the fashion people. But Kendall tells Love (via The Cut) that being a member of a family of fame whores actually hurt her and she hard to work extra hard to be seen as a high-fashion model and the gigs didn’t just magically come to her. (Insert your “the gigs did just magically come to her right after Riccardo Tisci came on Kanye” jokes here.)

“I was like, ‘You know what? I want to be high fashion. I want to be taken seriously … People think that this [success] just came to me. But it didn’t. What I have has almost worked against me. I had to work even harder to get where I wanted because people didn’t take me seriously as a model. Because of the TV show. I went on castings and some people weren’t feeling me because of my name. But it was great when people didn’t recognize me. I was like, ‘Thank you. Please don’t recognize me.’”

Kendull might’ve gotten an F- in reading from Pimp Mama Kris’ Homeschool of Whoring, but she got an A+ in delusion and that’s all that matters.

Kendull really needs to give credit where is due. The only thing that worked hard to get her a Givenchy campaign was Kanye’s jaw on Riccardo Tisci. No, no, no, I didn’t mean it like that. I just meant that Kanye overworked his jaw while whining at Riccardo to put his sister-in-law in a Givenchy ad. Yeah, that’s what I meant….

Jennifer Garner Broke Up Ben Affleck’s Bromance With Kevin Smith, So Says Kevin Smith

July 29, 2014 / Posted by:

In the early 2000s, Kevin Smith and Ben Affleck were best brofriends forever, but then Jennifer Garner came along and took a sledgehammer to their happy bromance home. Kevin was in San Diego last week for Comic-Con and Yahoo! Movies asked him if Ben Affleck was in town to promote that Batman v. Superman mess and Kevin used that time to call out Jennifer Garner for being a bromance-wrecking killer of dude bro dreams and friendships. Kevin says that Jennifer doesn’t like seeing his face or hearing him talk and she’s pretty much the reason why Ben Affleck kicked him out of his life the same way Southwest kicked him off of their plane for being too fat to fly.

“Great question. I don’t know, because we’re not fucking tight. I have not been [close with him] in decades. That’s old Ben. He’s got a wife that don’t care for me at all [Laughs]. And plus, honestly, he probably don’t care for me at all anymore. He’s a triple-A-list movie star and shit like that. If he’s Jimmy Carter, I’m Billy Carter, to put it in ’70s terms. And I’m not even related and shit.”

Kevin Smith obviously still holds onto the half-broken BFFs4EVA heart pendant that he and Ben bought together at Claire’s, because he can’t let go. Yahoo! Movies also points out that during his Silent Bob Speaks show at Carnegie Hall earlier this month, Kevin’s XXXXXL denim culottes twisted up into his asshole when he told the audience that Jennifer Garner’s funny bone was replaced with a stick up her ass and she sucked the raunchiness out of Ben:

“Jennifer does not share the same sense of humor as me — she did not like my jokes. I was picking on Ben Affleck making fun of him because I’ve known him for a really long time — I was talking smack — and Jennifer goes, ‘You know, if you keep saying stuff about him, I’m going to kick your ass.’ And she could — I’ve seen Alias. She has a real girly sense of humor and didn’t understand that I was kidding.

I remember talking to Ben and being like, ‘I know your lady is not finding me amusing. Ben, I’ve known you for years, and you are far sicker than I am!’ His jokes are way dirtier than mine. He’s made jokes to me, and I’ve been like, ‘Ben, you need to go to church.’”

It’s the worst when a friend’s new ho hates you. My best friend in high school dated this asshole-wrapped cunt burger who controlled her completely and didn’t want her to have any friends. True story, he once cut a slit in the Tasmanian Devil stuffed toy she kept on her bed and put some of his hair in it, because he wanted her to hug a piece of him at night. He was like Marky Mark in Fear without the six-pack. We fought all the time and he told me once that I just wanted to fuck her. After he said those words to me, I immediately punched out the address to the nearest hospital in Braille on a piece of paper and gave it to him, because his eyeballs obviously needed emergency medical attention since he couldn’t see that I look like the last person who wants to get intimate with a coochie.

But really, Kevin Smith is so full of shit. A trick with the initials JG is the reason why his and Ben’s friendship died, but it’s not Jennifer Garner. It’s Jersey Girl! That smegma-covered turd destroyed friendships, lives and everything else.

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