I have a family thing I need to do today – No, my “family thing” isn’t go to Sunday mass at a Catholic church and then feed the homeless a lentil casserole I made myself and sing religious hymns to orphans while my relatives do an interpretive dance. I know that’s how you think I spend my Sundays. Anyway, I’ll be away from my laptop for most of the day and yes, I’m already getting the shakes and my body is starting to twitch from thinking about being apart from my life machine for so long. Every time I have to part with my laptop for more than 2 hours, I act out that scene in The Color Purple where Mister rips Nettie apart from Celie.
J. Harvey is going to cover the fuckery for me today. I’ll throw up an Open Post later today and if anything major happens at the SAG Awards (example: Jennifer Aniston goes Carrie on those bitches because she didn’t get nominated for an Oscar), I’ll post that too.
But for now, I leave you with the song that RiRi says is a “taste” of what her new album is going to sound like. RiRi’s new song called “FourFiveSeconds” is bad news for tramps and hussies who thought she was going to gift them with a bop they can do the slut drop to in the middle of the club, because this mess is the direct opposite of that. RiRi and Kanye West sing while Paul McCartney plays the guitar. I know, those words strung together make no sense. This song sounds like an acoustic cover of a boy band song sang by a bunch children in a Disney movie. I picture RiRi, Kanye and Paul sitting around a campfire, smelling like patchouli and cooking beans while yodeling out this song. Not to mention that on the cover photo, RiRi looks like a teenage runaway from the early 90s and Paul McCartney looks like a brown-headed Martina Navratilova.
If you haven’t already listened to it and want to know what it sounds like when RiRi, Kanye and Paul McCartney get together to do their best Tracy Chapman impersonation, here you go:
I’m trying to figure out what that screaming is behind Kanye’s singing? Is it a goat getting choked out or a bunch of kids screaming at Kanye to please, please stop?
The Silver Man with hot, sweet moves from the video for Da Dip by Freak Nasty!
Yesterday, I went into a store to get water and Ding Dongs (you know, the usual) and I was taken back in time to 1997 when the song Da Dip by Freak Nasty played. I almost dropped my bottle of water, put my hands on my hips and thrusted my body like the end of the world was coming. But I knew that if I did that, they’d think I was having some kind of seizure and call 911. I’d end up with a $5,000 ER bill that I couldn’t pay, so I decided to resist the urge to thrust my shit in the store to Da Dip.
Da Dip came out in 1996, but it took about a year for it to become a hit and it went on to sell more than one million copies. Wikipedia says that Freak Nasty’s first album sold 5 million copies and his last contribution to the music game was in 2007. Hopefully, he’s now spending his time lying on the beach of the private island he bought with that Da Dip money and nibbling grapes hand fed to him by dancing robotic silver men like the hot one in the video.
I looked up the video for Da Dip last night and was reminded of its low-ass-budget brilliance. It’s like a Fanta commercial with zero budget and special effects by Fred and Sharon. It’s so 90s that it’s almost too 90s. There’s no way we dressed like this in the 90s. Every singe one of these outfits was definitely bought from the clearance section at Merry-Go-Round. But the true star of this video is that tiny Silver Man in the View-Master who kills it and is a special effects wonder.
If you asked every single Best Special Effects Oscar winner from the late 90s and beyond what inspires them and pushes them to go farther and do better, they wouldn’t even have to think before saying, “The dancing Silver Man from the Da Dip video.” I mean, is there any other answer?
Princess Charlene of Monaco (37)
Michael Trevino (30)
Alicia Keys (34)
Christine Lakin (36)
Mia Kirshner (40)
China Kantner (44)
Ana Ortiz (44)
Jenifer Lewis (58)
Dinah Manoff (59)
The Honky Tonk Man (62)
Anita Pallenberg (71)
Leiji Matsumoto (77)
Dean Jones (84)
This dog who proves that the struggle is real and the struggle never ends.
This video is the visual metaphor for life. Aren’t we all just a dog going after a rock in the pond? When life throws us a rock into a shallow pond, we go after that rock and we show our asses and get wet while doing so. After we’ve finally pulled out that rock and dropped it on the ground, we’re ready to celebrate our victory by toking up and getting drunk on wine coolers. Just when we’re about to shuffle off to the bar, that goddamn shitty rock has to roll back into the pond and we have to do it all over again while some mean bitch laughs at us and records it to send it to America’s Funniest Home Videos. You know, because life’s struggles are funny.
That poor ass dog. I bet that rock still rolled into the water after he put it on the grass and he’s still fetching it to this day.
via Buzzfeed (For Theresa)
Jerry Maren, the last surviving original Munchkin from The Wizard of Oz (95)
Jade Ewen (27)
Mischa Barton (29)
Frankie “Social Media Mogul” Grande (32)
Nicole Lenz (35)
Tatyana Ali (36)
Kyle Brandt (36)
Kristen Schaal (37)
Ed Helms (41)
Beth Hart (43)
Kenya Moore (44)
Matthew Lillard (45)
Mary Lou Retton (47)
Nastassja Kinski (54)
Jools Holland (57)
Yakov Smirnoff (64)
Daniel Auteuil (65)
Gennifer Flowers (65)
Neil Diamond (74)
Aaron Neville (74)
The first still of the gay threesome scene from the movie I Am Michael starring James Franco, Zachary Quinto and Charlie Carver from Desperate Housewives is out. You can’t see all of James Franco’s mug in that picture, but I bet if you could you would see him making a face that clearly said, “This gay threesome would be so much hotter if both of these dudes were clones of me.” - Just Jared
Okay, where can I buy a ticket to get a ride on the back of Chris Pratt’s bike, because that is the life. You get to stay seated and look at his ass the whole time – Lainey Gossip
Presenting DJ Fuck That Bitch Kate – The Superficial
If you’re wondering if you should binge watch Transparent on Saturday for free, I have five words that may convince you to do it: Judith Light is in it – Towleroad
I really want to see this dog in a remake of Into The Blue – Hollywood Tuna
Dear Rita Ora, please kindly stop it with that wig, because you are not Ann Jillian – Drunken Stepfather
And I’m sure the last thing Teresa Giudice said to her daughter after their prison visit was, “Now make sure you tell the media about this, honey.” – Reality Tea
Sam Taylor-Johnson wants you to fuck off if you have a problem with her getting young, hot dick – Celebitchy
I know you probably look at pictures of man nipples all day (I know I do), but if you need more to look at, here you go – The Berry
Crisis averted: The Sun is still going to show tits – WWTDD
Um, can somebody please tell me where to pick up an application to be a team trainer for the Clippers? – Popsugar
Kristen Stewart and her girlfriend got coffee the other day and they probably took a shit afterward, but the paparazzi didn’t get picture confirmation of that…yet – Popoholic
Movie Acting Is Hard by Benedict Cumberbatch – ICYDK
Poke at me when they make Celebrity Sex Box and Sofia Vergara and Joe ManJello are contestants and the box is made of glass – SOW
Yes, Anthony Mackie is one of those who wants his girlfriend to call him “daddy.”
Anthony Mackie’s mouth is on a roll! Anthony Mackie’s mouth got him into some shit the other day when he said in an interview with theGrio that Selma got snubbed at the Oscars, because people are tired of being bombarded with race. Anthony also said that black guys with dreadlocks shouldn’t be surprised when the police think they’re up to no good and they’re part of the police violence problem. Anthony cried that he was lied to and he was promised that his words were off the record, but theGrio delivered the receipts in the form of video of the interview that proved otherwise. And well, his mouth is back!
Anthony was on Wendy Williams and she brought up his thoughts on gender roles. Anthony, who has been with his girlfriend since the 2nd grade, told Wendy that he’s Southern so he believes that if a dude mows the lawn and opens up her car door, his woman better make him a goddamn sandwich and she better call him daddy. Even Wendy said that she’s grossed out by chicks who call their man “daddy.” But Anthony kept on and kept on and said that men want to be called daddy and they want that sandwich! The daddy and sandwich talks starts at around the 5:25 mark:
Kaley Cuoco just fell in love for real.
Never mind that you’re probably looking at me like, “Michael, stop playing and don’t act like you’ve never called a dude daddy before, you nasty, gross slut,” what is it with these “make me sammy” types always wanting a simple sandwich. It is 2015 and they should go harder. I mean, if they’re going to be doing hard labor like open a car door and push a lawn mower, they should except more than a simple sandwich. They should expect their woman to make the bread herself, slaughter the pig for the ham, grow her own lettuce, whip a bunch of eggs into mayo and while she’s doing that, she better iron his chonies before stitching the words “my daddy” into them. All he wants is a simple sandwich? Come on, Anthony!
And when Wendy asked Anthony what kind of sandwich his woman makes for daddy, he said, “Ham usually, but she adds this delicious spread that’s pretty slimy and green. Daddy loves it!“
During that douche bag performance (f)artist phase of Joaquin Phoenix’s career (“You’re going to have to be more specific.” – you), he looked like a dog’s hairy dingle berry that had been nibbled on by ants. Yes, I still would’ve hit it, but I would’ve ended up with a b-hole full of fleas and a mouth full of cheese. That rhymes! But after that whole stunt, the CDC and Hazmat worked together to clean Joaquin Phoenix up and bring out his hotness once again. Here he is at the premiere of Inherent Vice in Paris last night.
You know, Joaquin should really give Johnny Depp the card of the Hazmat team who cleaned him up and also let Johnny know that it’s okay to embrace the hotness. We’ll still see him as an eccentric and quirky artiste if he does. Joaquin probably looks good to my eyes because he’s working that founding fathers hair. Nothing makes your nipples stand up like a grown man in a bob. The Sexetary of Energy knows exactly what I’m talking about.
Why didn’t I buy that booze-dispensing golf club even though I don’t play golf and never want to? Why didn’t I buy that amazingly exquisite Carmen Miranda chihuahua shirt when I had the chance? Or the guitar doorbell? Or the jizz shoe? If only all of us bought one thing in the SkyMall catalog, they might not be headed toward the cloud graveyard in the sky.
The Wall Street Journal (via Buzzfeed) sadly reports that everyone’s former favorite time waster in the sky, SkyMall, filed for bankruptcy today, because they’re broke. SkyMall made around $33 million in 2013 and their revenue took a major nosedive last year. They brought in a little under $16 million in 9 months. SkyMall’s CEO Scott Wiley says that they’re struggling to stay alive in this iPhone, WiFi world:
“With the increased use of electronic devices on planes, fewer people browsed the SkyMall in-flight catalog,” said CEO Scott Wiley in court filings. The lifting of regulations that prohibited using cell phones during takeoff and landing was among the magazine’s final death knells.
Wiley said the costs of printed products have also made carrying the magazine “unattractive” for airlines. Delta terminated its contract with SkyMall in August.
There’s hope, though. Scott Wiley says that they’re looking for a buyer.
SkyMall wasn’t only about the amazing products that you’d never ever use. The writing was poetry and the modeling was next level. I never understood why a contract with SkyMall wasn’t a prize on America’s Next Top Model.
I should have known that we would have to pay a price for being able to play with our dumb phones during takeoff and landing. I should have known that something would have to be sacrificed. Is it worth it? NO! We have to go back! We have to go back! We have to put down our iPhones and pick up SkyMall or gorgeous products like this beautiful Marc Anthony statue will be gone forever.