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Hot Slut Of The Day!

September 22, 2014 / Posted by:

Charlo Greene, the local news reporter from Alaska who really wants to be the Inetta the Moodsetta of 2014!

After reporting about the Alaskan Cannabis Club during KTVA-TV’s 10 p.m. newscast last night, reporter Charlo Green knocked the bongs off of everyone’s mouths and dropped a double bomb when she announced her support for the weed legalization movement in Alaska and revealed herself as the owner of the Alaskan Cannabis Club. DUN DUN DUN. Charlo told viewers that she will be dedicating all her time and energy to fighting the good shit fight in Alaska and then she channeled the forever queen of resignations, Inetta the Moodsetta, by quitting her job with these words: “And as for this job, well, not that I have a choice. But, fuck it, I quit.” Fun Fact: Those are the EXACT words that Sarah Palin wrote on her resignation letter when she quit her job as governor.

Charlo Greene (Her last name is GREENE, the people watching KTVA at 10pm on Sunday night should’ve seen this TWIST coming) tells the Alaskan Dispatch News that she decided to quit her job in an ultra dramatic way, because she wants to give her cause national media attention:

“Because I wanted to draw attention to this issue. And the issue is medical marijuana. Ballot Measure 2 is a way to make medical marijuana real … most patients didn’t know the state didn’t set up the framework to get patients their medicine. If I offended anyone, I apologize, but I’m not sorry for the choice that I made.”

KTLA apologized for the fuck bomb in this statement:

“We sincerely apologize for the inappropriate language used by a KTVA reporter during her live presentation on the air tonight. The employee has been terminated.”

Whoever wrote that statement obviously got into the stash that Charlo hid in the bottom drawer of her desk, because they can’t fire her. SHE QUIT, you dumbasses!

This is almost better than Inetta’s iconic I QUIT THIS BITCH moment. When Inetta quit that bitch, I could feel papers in the HR department fly off of desks. But Charlo Greene is still an Alaskan hero, because she did what most of us have wanted to do at least once in our lives and she quit her job in the name of medical grade weed. This would’ve been perfect if she pulled off her tiny mic and dropped it at the very end.

And the anchor’s “The hell just happened?” face says it all. Bitch went out in a blaze and I mean that in more ways than one

(Thanks to everyone who sent this in)

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Birthday Sluts

September 22, 2014 / Posted by:

Godfrey Gao (30)
Tom Felton (27)
Rima Fakih (29)
Laura Vandervoort (30)
Billie Piper (32)
Mireille Enos (39)
Matthew Rush (42)
Mystikal (44)
Bonnie Hunt (53)
Catherine Oxenberg (53)
Scott Baio (54)
Tai Babilonia (55)
Andrea Bocelli (56)
Joan Jett (56)
Nick Cave (57)
Johnette Napolitano (57)
Debby Boone (58)
Shari Belafonte (60)
Toni Basil (71)
Tommy Lasorda (87)

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

September 21, 2014 / Posted by:

The tension-taming calm goddess on the box of Celestial Seasonings Tension Tamer tea! 

The other day I was in the tea aisle at Target and I could hear the sound of Miss Coco Peru, famed drag artiste and star of Trick, disappointedly shaking her head back and forth while snapping her lips in disgust, because they didn’t have any Celestial Seasonings Tension Taymuh tea. Last year around the holiday times, Miss Coco Peru was feeling the tension, so she began her journey to find the elusive Tension Taymuh tea and she documented her adventures and put it on her YouTube channel. SPOILER ALERT: Her adventures had a sad, tragic, ending because she never found it.

So every time I’m in the tea section of any store, I look for Tension Tamer tea and I’ve never found it either. Why the hell don’t stores in the L.A. area want bitches to tame their tension? If they’re not going to sell the good shit at Target, they should at least sell Tension Tamer tea. It’s a government and pharmaceutical industry conspiracy, obviously. They want us to turn to Xanax and Valium to tame our tension when we can’t find any Tension Tamer tea! No wonder everyone is fucking crazy around here. They don’t have Tension Tamer tea to calm their asses. Hmmm, I wonder if your tension will really be tamed if you smoke Tension Tamer tea since mostly everything is better when smoked. I’ll never find out because I’ll never find a box of Tension Tamer tea.

I don’t know why nerds slobber over that Khaleesi chick from Game of Thrones. The calm maiden in the stunning red gown on the box of Celestial Seasonings Tension Tamer tea is the true Queen of the Dragons. She tamed that dragon so hard that she can use it as a sofa to sit on while she sips her Tension Tamer tea.

If you haven’t seen Miss Coco Peru’s quest for Tension Tamer tea, here it is below. It’s tense, so it’s best to watch while sipping some Tension Tamer tea and if you don’t have any of that, watch it while snorting some crushed Valium like the pharmaceutical companies want you to!

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Birthday Sluts

September 21, 2014 / Posted by:

Dave Coulier (55)
Christian Serratos (24)
Jason Derülo (25)
Maggie Grace (31)
Nicole Richie (33)
Liam Gallagher (42)
Alfonso Ribeiro (43)
Luke Wilson (43)
Anne Burrell (45)
Ricki Lake (46)
Faith Hill (47)
Abby Lee Miller (48)
Darva Conger (49)
Cheryl Hines (49)
Momma Dee (51)
Rob Morrow (52)
Nancy Travis (53)
David James Elliot (54)
Ethan Coen (57)
Bill Murray (64)
Stephen King (67)
Jerry Bruckheimer (71)
Leonard Cohen (80)

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Open Post: Hosted By A Topless Seth Rogen And A Topless James Franco Jumping Out A Cake

September 20, 2014 / Posted by:

And yet, that cake still isn’t gayer than the She-Ra cake I want for my birthday.

Yesterday was the 40th anniversary of Jimmy Fallon’s born day and one of his “gifts” was a giant fake cake full of piping hot douche cream. James Franco and his best brofriend forever Seth Rogen jumped out of the cake. They were living for it. They live for moments when they can get their nipples out together. Jimmy Fallon got another surprise when the legendary Stevie Wonder came out singing “Happy Birthday.” Stevie was blinded again when James and Seth almost touched sweaty armpits while stripper dancing in that cake.

My only question is, were they bottomless too? I guess we’ll never know the answer unless Jimmy later says that he took a bite out of that fake cake and for some reason it tasted like warm gouda, vinegar, butt sweat and dirty balls. Hmm, I pretty much just described the taste of the slice of cake I bought on sale from Food 4 Less the other day.

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The Time Nicolas Cage Told Idris Elba That He Spent The Night In Dracula’s Castle

September 20, 2014 / Posted by:

Even with that jean vest and that newsboy cap, I still would and HOW.

Idris Elba did a Reddit AMA (via Vulture) yesterday and sadly nobody asked him to finally put an end to MicCordGate by posting a picture of his dick next to a mic cord so we’ll know for sure what was in his pants that day. But somebody did ask him if he had any funny stories to tell about Nicolas Cage since he worked with that human bottle of crazy on Ghost Rider. Of course he had a funny Nicolas Cage story since I’m sure anyone who has ever come into contact with that mess has a funny story to tell:

“Yeah – Nic Cage came back one day on set, and he came down to set and he looked a little bit tired, a little bit – kind of like he’d ben up all night. So I was like ‘Hey Nic man, how you doing man’ and he said ‘I’m alright’ and I said ‘You seem a little spoked out’ and he said ‘Yeah man, I went up to Dracula’s castle…the ruins up in the mountains, and I stayed the night’ and I said ‘What?! Why?’ and he said ‘I just had to channel the energy, and it was pretty spooky up there.’ We were shooting in Romania, Transylvania, and he just went up there to spend the night, as you do.

And then he walked away.

True story.”

I love how Idris said “True story.” He didn’t need to say that at all. If Idris also said that Nicolas added that he woke up in the middle of the night in the castle when a sweet transvestite from Transylvania tried to seduce him and then he ended up singing about doing the Time Warp in the ballroom with a maid with an afro and a butler who looked like Samantha Ronson with a half weave, Idris still wouldn’t need to say “True story.” I’d believe it no matter what. Because every story that involves Nicolas Cage is a true story. True story.

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The Fappening Is Still Happening

September 20, 2014 / Posted by:

Insert ClayAikenMakingAJudgyYouGotWhatYouDeserveFace.jpeg here.

TMZ says that early this morning, hacked naked cell phone pictures of Kim Kartrashian ended up on 4Chan and Reddit. It’s surprising that we were all able to get onto the Internet this morning. You’d think that naked pictures of Kim Kardashian would’ve crashed all the servers and turned the Internet into a pile of rubble, because all of us definitely have never seen every single damn inch of her naked ass body.

TMZ says that also this morning, private naked pictures of Vanessa Hudgens (whose been to the hacked naked picture rodeo before) and Hope Solo ended up on 4Chan. Uproxx and The Daily Beast says that the new round of victims also includes Aubrey Plaza, Hayden Panettiere, Mary-Kate Olsen, Lake Bell, Avril Lavigne, Kaley Cuoco and Leelee Sobieski. There’s apparently also more pictures of Jennifer Lawrence. Reddit immediately shut down the new thread and since 4Chan has a new copyright infringement policy, they also deleted the pics.

So I guess this means that the FBI hasn’t caught the hacker(s) yet. If the FBI wants to find the bitch who leaked Kim Kartarshian’s pictures (Why do I feel like I’m always typing the words “leaked” and “Kim Kartrashian” in the same sentence?), all they have to do is follow the scent of self-tanner fumes, burnt nutsacks, Sasquatch saliva, desperation and Lucifer’s ass juices and it’ll lead them straight to Pimp Mama Kris’ Hidden Hills lair. Who knew that PMK was a b/tard? But PMK is truly slipping. If she wanted to create a real scandal, she should’ve leaked pictures of Kim doing shocking things like changing her own baby’s diaper or finishing the Highlights Magazine crossword puzzle.

Here’s Kim wearing some kind of tube top sausage casing skirt in a studio parking lot a couple of days ago.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Martin Lawrence Finally Photographed Together (Sort Of)

September 20, 2014 / Posted by:

I know, somebody should really come up with a different couple name for these two hos, because every time I see “Martin Lawrence,” I get really confused when my eyes land on a picture of a white girl with Taylor Swift hair. I think to myself, “Did Sheneneh bleach her skin?” So yeah, they need a new couple name so the confusion can stop! Maybe JenRis? Or JMart? Or LaMart? Or La Wart? La Wart it definitely is!

Jennifer Lawrence and Chris Martin have reportedly been doing it for a few weeks now and even though they’ve been together in public places, there’s zero pictures of them together. No grainy cell phone pictures. No slick pictures that a tricky trick took of themselves in the foreground and La Wart in the background. None of that. But at last night’s iHeart Radio music festival at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas, Jennifer Lawrence and Chris Martin ended up in the same frame. We’re getting closer to the truth!

People says that JLaw was at Coldplay’s rehearsal and sang along. During their set at the iFart Radio music festival, she stood on the side and went to his dressing room afterward. Because you won’t believe it until you hear it from an anonymous source, here’s an anonymous source repeating what I just wrote in the sentence before this one:

“She was off to the side of the stage when he performed. After his set, she snuck back into his dressing room.”

JLaw’s PR team should leak a picture of them sucking on each other’s mouths already. Because all we’ve got are stories of her going to Coldplay shows and singing along to every song, and a picture of her backstage with Chris Martin in the background. At this point, Jennifer Lawrence is coming off as Coldplay’s #1 fan and a Chris Martin groupie stalker. I won’t judge JLaw for knowing the words to every Coldplay song (yes, I will), but I will never be able to look at her if it came out that she’s a Chris Martin groupie stalker. That’s like saying that unsalted mashed cauliflower made with tap water is your favorite food ever. Even Taylor Swift would say, “Girl, love yourself more.”

Pics: Getty

Hot Slut Of The Day!

September 20, 2014 / Posted by:

Johnny O, the prince of freestyle!

Since Stevie B is the King of Freestyle, Johnny O might be considered the Prince of Freestyle. (Side note: You were not a freestyle singer in the 80s unless your stage name was a boy’s nickname from the 50s followed by an initial. I really missed my calling. I could’ve been Mikey K, child freestyle singer of the 80s!) Johnny O (born name: Juan Ortiz) had the looks of a butch Prince mixed with a Latino Morris Day and his singing voice sounded like a nervous baby mumbling under his breath. Johnny’s O biggest hit was 1988′s “Fantasy Girl” and every time I hear it, I think of my cousins blasting a warped copy of it on a boombox at family parties while dancing on top of chairs (aka the closest thing to a go go box) on the side driveway.

In life, there’s a million unanswered questions, but one of life’s biggest unanswered questions is, “Why isn’t there a video for Fantasy Girl on YouTube?!” The closest thing I could find is this audio of “Fantasy Girl” paired with a picture of Johnny O dressed up like a sailor in the Tom of Finland world. The intro is really, really long, because back then, you needed time to warm up your dance moves before the lyrics popped up and you could really break it down.

Wikipedia says that Johnny O lives with his family in Florida and he still performs today. In 2007, he released a Christian dance album and you probably didn’t read any of that since you’re empty inside from Johnny O swallowing your soul as you stared into his eyes in that video.

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