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Night Crumbs

May 29, 2015 / Posted by:

George Clooney lied to us all when he said that Amal Clooney doesn’t have a stylist. Apparently, she has a secret stylist. It makes sense that her stylist is a “secret” stylist, because would you want to take credit for some of the shit that she wears? – Lainey Gossip

Joe ManJello doesn’t mind it when you objectify him. So objectify away! – Celebitchy

Hello, welcome to the Gladiator Bondage Grill. My name is Hailee Steinfeld and I’ll be your hostess. Allow me to show you to your table.” – Egotastic!

I’m really disappointed that Miley Cyrus hasn’t braided and beaded her armpit hair yet – Drunken Stepfather

Teen Mom Jenelle added another mug shot of beauty to her collection – Reality Tea 

Those rumors about Louis CK being a pervy creep may be true – The Superficial 

Kylie Jenner and Pia Mia are like the mini version of Kim Kartrashian and Parasite HiltonWWTDD

Ricky Martin says that because he’s a dad, he can’t bring a guy home every night. So in other words, he does his dates in the car before going home by himself. Stars, they’re just like us! – Towleroad

The Difficult Brown has feelings – Necole Bitchie

Kendra Wilkinson’s left tit looks like it’s trying to make its escape – Hollywood Tuna 

Joni Mitchell is still in the hospital and is still in a bad way – Jezebel

It’s a ‘channeling Lisa Bonet’ kind of day” thought Vanessa Hudgens before getting dressed – Popoholic

That shit better be a carrot cake – The Berry 

Bob Saget will be in Fuller House. Still no word on how contract negotiations with Mr. Bear are going – Just Jared

Scott Disick wants to get into the business that made Kim Kartrashian a STAH! – ICYDK

And here’s Giuliana Rancic in a bikini – Popsugar

Behold, man ass provided by someone named Christian CookeOMG Blog

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Bruce Jenner Will Debut “Her” On The Cover Of Vanity Fair

May 29, 2015 / Posted by:

I was kind of hoping that Bruce Jenner would publicly debut “Her” at the end of the Balmain fashion show in Paris while stomping to Khia’s “Been The Shit” in a red satin  fuckme dress and exquisite Lucite heels. But that’s not how the unveiling of “Her” is going to happen.

TMZ, People, UsWeekly and a million others who somehow got the news at the same time (So I guess Pimp Mama Kris is still his manager after all) say that Bruce Jenner will present his true identity he refers to as “Her” on the summer cover of Vanity Fair. The cover and shoot will be shot by Annie Leibovitz. Bruce’s issue is expected to come out around the same time as the debut of the E! reality show that documents his transition.

While Kim Kartrashian has been on the cover of Vogue (“Don’t remind us.” – humanity), she has never been on the cover of Vanity Fair. Yes, Bruce! Outsell, Kummy Kakes and show her how to really break the internet.

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As Azealia Banks Cackles With Glee Into The Night…..

May 29, 2015 / Posted by:

Bad news for those of you who really wanted to see a White Chicks Masking Doll burp up freestyles like, “Mobobobo Dididididid lkjalksdfjlakfjldsfal Monks Monks! Fire Fire! Jlasjdflkasdjflka!” It’s not going to happen, because the rillest in the game has just dumped plans for her first arena tour into the trash can along with the remnants of her original nose.

Shit wasn’t looking good for Iggy’s big tour last month when it was postponed. The rumor was that the dates were postponed, because Iggy wasn’t even trying to promote her own tour and wasn’t returning emails. But others reported that the dates were really postponed, because her tickets were selling about as well as Prozac at a Scientology convention. Well, the whole tour, which was supposed to open on September 18 in San Diego, has been scrapped. This email went out to ticketholders:

“The Iggy Azalea Great Escape Tour scheduled for this fall has been cancelled and refunds are available at point of purchase. There will be a new tour planned around Iggy’s new record to be released in 2016 and we apologize for any inconvenience.”

Iggy also confirmed this shit on Twitter.

Iggy is kind of brand new and they were booking her into 18,000 seat arenas and the average ticket price was $167. Many of her shows didn’t require a ticket for kids under the age of 3 and more than half of her fan base are toddlers. How the hell are you going to make money when most of your fans can get in for free? But seriously, whose idea was it for her to play arenas? (SPOILER ALERT: It was probably Iggy’s.) Even a legendary, multi-talented, world-renowned, beloved jewel like Charo would have a hard time selling out 18,000 seat venues on her own. And now I need to buttchug a gallon of liquid Prozac, because I depressed myself by saying that the greatest entertainer alive can’t sell out an arena

Iggy’s nemesis Azealia Banks hasn’t straight up said anything about this on Twitter, but she did tweet one of her lyrics:

Hmmm, I wonder who that is about?

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Open Post: Hosted By The Sensitive Hobbit And His Wax Figure

May 29, 2015 / Posted by:

This is bullshit. Ed Sheeran, the ginger tabby cat that was turned into a British yodeler by Taylor Swift’s on-call magic fairy, got a wax figure at Madame Tussauds in NYC. I’ve never been to that Madame Tussauds, but I guarantee you that they don’t have a wax figure of Rojo Caliente. If any ginger in this world deserves a creepy wax figure at Madame Tussauds in NYC, it’s the Queen of NYC Rojo Caliente!

Madame Tussauds can easily right this wrong. They can turn that Ed Sheeran wax figure into a Rojo Caliente one by scraping off its beard, installing a halo over its head, sticking angels wings on its back and making it so that it farts out a hot ray of sunshine every hour on the hour. Instant Rojo statue!

Ed Instagrammed a picture of his statue and added this little caption:

Met my waxwork at Madame Tussaud, he didn’t say much but he’s got a bulge so it’s all good

Ed saying that his wax figure has a bulge makes me say, “Yes. Yes, I’d totally do that wax figure.” On that note, if you’re ever disgusted with yourself over some gross one-night-stand you had with a disgusting trick, don’t beat yourself up about it. Just tell yourself that out there in the world is gutter slut that is more hard-up and desperate than you and yes, it’s me.

Pics: Wenn.com

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Kelly Rutherford’s Kids Are Staying In Monaco For Now

May 29, 2015 / Posted by:

If I’m going to write about the never-ending trials and tribulations of Kelly Rutherford’s wreck of a custody fight, I may as well post a picture of her posing to next to a gorgeous, glamorous and insane-looking Dr. Kimberly Shaw.

As expected, a judge in Monaco spit at a California’s judge’s order that allowed Kelly Rutherford to bring her kids, Hermes and Helena, back to the US. If you haven’t been following this mess that’s an even bigger mess than Grace of Monaco (yes, I watched that elegant yawn and let’s not ever speak of it), let me give you the gist of it. Just picture Kelly and her ex Daniel Giersch practically yanking their kids arms off while using them as the rope in a never-ending game of tug o’ war. That’s pretty much what’s going on.

Kelly’s kids currently live in Monaco with their dad, because his US Visa was revoked. Last week, Kelly went to Monaco to visit them, but Daniel refused to let her see them until she handed over their US passports. Kelly told TMZ in an interview that anybody who brings her kids back to the US will be an American hero. So Daniel cried that he’s afraid she will kidnap their kids and asked her to hand over their passports to a third-party. Kelly’s lawyer went to court in L.A. and argued that Daniel is violating their agreement by not letting her see their kids. The judge in CA sided with Kelly. The judge declared that Kelly can bring Hermes and Helen back to CA. Kelly just needed an okay from Monaco to make that happen, but she didn’t get that okay.

The Associated Press says that Monaco currently has jurisdiction in the case and a judge ruled that the judge in California may not be aware of that. The judge in CA and the judge in Monaco will talk it out in a phone conference that’s supposed to happen on June 11th.

I was going to say that Kelly should just raise the white flag and move to Monaco. If there’s a community theater scene in Monaco, she can be the queen of it!. But then I read that relocating to Monaco isn’t that easy. You have to prove that you shit diamonds, basically. You have to deposit a bunch of money into a bank in Monaco. Kelly declared bankruptcy and says she’s gone broke from fighting her ex, so that may be out. Let the messiness continue, I guess.

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Ian Somerhalder Will Not Be Taking Pictures With You Today. It’s HIS Day.

May 29, 2015 / Posted by:

You’d think that any Ian Somerhalder fan who is devoted and crazy enough to stand outside of his hotel in Paris would know that May 28th is International Ian Somerhalder Day and on that day, Ian Somerhalder does not take selfies or sign autographs, thankyouverymuch.

Yesterday in Paris, Ian and his partner in cheese Nikki Reed walked out of their hotel and straight into a group of fans who wanted a picture with him. Since it was May 28th and his day, Ian Somerhalder dramatically let his fans know in an impassioned speech that he would not be posing with them. If you’re fluent in side-eye reading, then you can clearly see the guy in the black suit and t-shirt saying, “Um, you know you could just take a quick picture with them in the time it’s taking you to give this long ass speech,” with his side-eye

That crying girl… It’s just Ian Somerhalder! It’s not like it’s a legendary Ian like Ian Ziering or anything.

I, for one, love Ian’s anti-Norma Desmond “I am NOT ready for my close-up, Mr. DeMille” monologue. With a few changes, it’s the perfect speech to say in many situations. The next time a bill collector calls you, say to them, “You guys, I am not taking a single call from a bill collector today. It is MY day. Don’t call me, please. I love you. You’re so awesome.” Make sure you grab and shake your left titty when you say “MY” so they can really feel the emotion through the phone.

But seriously, if Ian really wanted those fans to leave him alone, he should’ve just said to them, “Hi, everyone, I’m not Zac Efron.” They would’ve said, “Oh shit,” before shuffling away.

Bennifer 2.0 Is Right On Time

May 29, 2015 / Posted by:

As soon as the latest rumors about Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner’s marriage problems made the rounds, we all set our Sweet Secrets Switch Watch for their inevitable damage control strut and well, here they are.

While almost wearing matching ensembles (Didn’t Ben get the memo about wearing his leopard print ballet flats?!), Ben and Jennifer picked up their daughters Violet and Seraphina from school yesterday. Ben Affleck has made it clear that he hates the paparazzi, but well, when the tabloids can’t stop screaming about how you and your wife are living SEPARATE LIVES, you have to show the people that sometimes you’re in the same place by doing a good old-fashioned family photo-op. (Side note: “Living separate lives” is to divorce rumors what “fighting their inner demons” is to rehab rumors.)

OK! Magazine is just one of the tabloids saying that it’s almost the end of Bennifer 2.0. One tea-spilling friend of Jennifer’s said that they just smile through the misery. I thought “smile through the misery” was the tagline of most marriages, but the so-called friend says that they really are miserable:

“Often, when Ben and Jen have a problem, they just agree to ride it out and be miserable together until they can get some time apart. Jennifer has close friends who think that she and Ben are a horrible fit, despite how much he loves being a father to those kids.”

Well, go ahead and drop a thick fart on those divorce rumors, because here they are together. But you know, I bet you didn’t read any of those words, because you were too busy salivating over that Nutella froyo in the poster behind them. Ben and Jen should really get an assistant to scout the scene of a family photo-op and warn them of any possible spotlight-stealers. How are we supposed to clearly see that they’re the portrait of a perfect couple when they’re being upstaged by Nutella froyo? Rookie mistake!

Pics: FameFlynet

Hot Slut Of The Day!

May 29, 2015 / Posted by:

John Erik Wagner, the candidate for Prime Minister that utchenmark needs, but doesn’t deserve!

This scalding hot piece of hairless Danish man meat, who looks like he’s starring in a gay porn parody of Crocodile Dundee called Cockodile Dundee, is running as an independent for the Prime Minister of Denmark (more like Prime Beef Minister of Denmark). Future Prime Minister Wagner has ran in all sorts of elections for all sorts of positions (wink wink) for years. You already know that John Erik Wagner has balls, but he wants everyone to know that he’s got dick too. He’s decorated the streets of Copenhagen with posters of him done up like a naked cowboy while serving up a side of uncooked sausage.

Dear US presidential candidates, this is how you run a campaign. What the people really want is a whole lot of dick on your posters. Actually, many of them are giant dicks, so I guess they’ve got that covered.

Reader Deborah dropped this European cowboy into my inbox along with a bio about the only candidate for PM of Denmark I care about. (Okay, he’s technically the only PM of Denmark candidate I know of, but still).

Denmark has an election coming up on June 18 and this man has been trying to get into Parliament forever. Every election he tries something new, so he really needs some support, lol. His name is John Erik Wagner aka the Sheriff from Amager. He’s a local man and works as a tailor when he’s not out trying to get signatures so he can get on the ballot for Parliament. He makes his own cowboy clothes and according to his YouTube account, he has a dog named Dolly Wagner (see youtube links below). A true character but now for the important bit:

He not only dresses like a sheriff, he loves to disrobe and voila, see the attached pictures.
This poster is hanging in public right now and yes, you can see discreet peen.

Thank you for considering Mr. Wagner aka the Sheriff aka Dolly’s dad for Hot slut. It may be the only ticket he ever wins.

So, John Erik Wagner makes cowboy clothes, knows that the way to get votes is with peen AND has a dog named after Dolly Parton? Screw Prime Minister of Denmark. He needs to be Prime Minister of the World!

And after the jump is the uncensored and uncut (pun very much intended) version of John Erik Wagner elegantly flashing a long turkey, sausage and cheese roll-up on his campaign poster. You can’t spell Wagner without W-A-N-G and you definitely can’t spell Prime Minister without P-E-E-N.

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