Blake Shelton made clumsy hillbilly drunks everywhere proud when he fell during a show and blamed it on lots of booze. Sure, some may say that Blake getting plastered before a show is unprofessional, and to those I say, wouldn’t you rather see his hillbilly ass go boom than listen to him fart out sweet nothings about his undying love for Gwen Stefani? – SOW
I have never gotten tingly in the loins for Chris Pine until I saw him driving a wood-paneled station wagon. Chris Pine is the 80s suburban dad of my wet dreams – Lainey Gossip
Strange things are afoot at the offices of whoever is making the decision on what to do with the next Bill & Ted movie – Pajiba
And after this picture was taken, Britney Spears tried to bite her nipple thinking it was a piece of a Slim Jim that fell in there during her dinner break – Drunken Stepfather
The Alien Lizard King with Prince William hair: Would you hit it? – Celebitchy
This call is going to go down right after I press the publish button on this post:
911 operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Old hysterical gay: QUICK! Send every police officer, firefighter, FBI agent, SWAT team member, Avenger, Justice League-er, Officer Poncho, Angela Bassett’s 9-1-1 character, and the 80s She-Ra to Netflix and Dreamsworks studio to arrest everybody in those buildings for their roles in butchering and slaughtering one of the most glamorous beings of the 80s cartoon universe and her friends!
911 operator: Oh, it’s that old hysterical gay again. Sir, when you hung up with me, did you call again hoping you’d get a different operator? Did the men in white coats I sent over to your house not show up yet?
When I heard that Netflix and Dreamworks Animation were joining forces to bring She-Ra into the now, I put my hand on my DVD copy of the She-Ra and He-Man Christmas special (aka my bible) and prayed to the gods above to not let them mess it up. Well, the gods above confirmed they hate me this morning when I didn’t wake up with a naked Alexander Skarsgard on my face (something I asked for last night, they are so rude). And they really confirmed they hate me when Netflix released the first official pictures of the new She-Ra. Those butcherers turned She-Ra and Catra into Fetus-Ra and Kittenra.
One second after that picture was taken, there were no lemons on that tree and the basket was filled with nothing but lemon bits and juice because they all busted from being so close to the goth sexiness of Cher!
The London premiere of Mamma Mia! Here We Go Making An Unneeded Sequel For A Check went down today, and while one of the movie’s main stars, Lily James, wore a damn ball gown (somebody tell her she ain’t Cinderella for real), the REAL star of the movie, Cher, didn’t even try, because she doesn’t need to. She’s Cher, bitch! (copyright: Chad Michaels) While looking like Kat Von D’s dream wedding officiant, Cher proved to the young hos that she doesn’t need to put on some brand new couture gown to kill bitches. Cher pulled one of her old Witches of Eastwick costumes out of storage, dusted it off a bit and threw it on her body as her hair people took the Hot Sticks out of her mane. And even while working an old rag, Cher still outshined them all.
I mean, even Meryl Streep knew that there’s no point in even trying when Cher’s going to be there, which is why she dressed like a late-80s New England high school substitute drama teacher. But then again even if Cher wasn’t there, Meryl would still have dressed like a late-80s New England high school substitute drama teacher.
As the Slovenian Mrs. Waterford that is Melania Trump wondered when it was a good time to bust out her escape plan by changing into a Corgi costume before humping Prince Philip’s horny ole’ leg so he can take her inside, her master Donald Trump bonded with THE QUEEN during their meeting about their love of not paying taxes and their little bitches (hers being Corgis, his being his sons). THE QUEEN had to deal with Trump herself, but sources tell The Times of London (via The Hill) that the next Kings of England, Prince Charles and Prince William, were supposed to make an appearance, but made like the hair that was on their head and said “fuck it” before quitting that shit.
Teletubby Custard from Burger King!
Back when Teletubbies were at the peak of their fame and were greedy money whores who were selling everything from Beanie Babies to dildos (I’m not going to Google that mess, but I’m guessing Teletubby dildos are real), they got together with Burger King and Jell-O to sell their custard to the masses for a limited time in the 90s.
There’s many Teletubby custard recipes out there, but Burger King made theirs with Jell-O, leche, and probably enough preservatives and chemicals to cause one of your internal organs to mutate into an evil Teletubby that ate you from the inside/out (and not in a sexy way). I never tried Burger King’s Teletubby custard, but apparently it tasted like getting a blow job from an angel with no teeth while being handfed sugar-dipped raspberries by Idris Elba wearing a loin cloth spun from gold.
Here’s the video of the Teletubbies making their custard, and because of the farts and splash-sounds, this video is definitely some sucio freak’s idea of porn.
And do we really want to know what the secret ingredient of Teletubby custard was? Well, if the secret ingredient was what I think it was, then I guess those Teletubbies ate a lot of pineapple, because that stuff was supposedly sweeter than a sugar cube slathered with honey.
Pic: Burger King
Phoebe Cates (55)
Luke Hemmings of 5 Seconds of Summer (22)
Mark Indelicato (24)
Alexandra Shipp (27)
AnnaLynne McCord (31)
Rosa Salazar (33)
Jesse Jane (38)
Jayma Mays (39)
Jenna Lewis (41)
Dorit Kemsley (42)
Chris Pontius (44)
Corey Feldman (47)
Rain Pryor (49)
Barry Sanders (50)
Will Ferrell (51)
Michael Flatley (60)
Tony Kushner (62)
Ruben Blades (70)
Jimmy Johnson (75)
Ginger Rogers (1911-1995)
Orville Redenbacher (1907-1995)
Barbara Stanwyck (1907-1990)
Pic: TV Guide