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So, Disney Finally Got Around To Planning A Live-Action “The Little Mermaid” Movie

May 26, 2016 / Posted by:

Disney has done two live-action Alice in Wonderland movies, a live-action Maleficent movie, a live-action Cinderella movie, a live-action The Jungle Book movie, and their live-action Beauty and the Beast movie comes out next year. They’re also working on live-action movies about Tinker Bell, Mulan, Aladdin and Cruella de Vil, as well as sequels to Maleficent and The Jungle Book. They’re running out of live-action movies to do and it’s only a matter of time before they stuff Andy Serkis into a Simba costume for their live-action version of The Lion King. But before they do that, they’re going to explore the possiblity of live-actioning The Little Mermaid. And by “explore” I mean try to come up with ways to femme-up Michael Phelps so he can play Ariel since he’s the only human fish who can do the swimming scenes.

Deadline says that because The Jungle Book has made $860 million worldwide so far, the head bitches at Disney are looking to do even more live-action movies of their animated classics. Disney execs were reportedly pitched a “new take” on The Little Mermaid and they’re talking to major producers about whether or not they should move forward with that idea. Um, don’t those executives know that we’ve already seen a “new take” on The Little Mermaid. It’s called fucking Splash.

Universal is working on their own Little Mermaid movie starring Chloe Grace Moretz.

If Disney goes through with a live-action Little Mermaid movie, the underwater scenes are going to be so CGI’d that it’s going to look about as real as a Kim Kartrashian Instagram picture. Shit, it’ll probably look less life-like than the animated movie it’s based on. But I am all for it if they cast Jon Hamm in the iconic role of the horny priest:

And this goes without typing, but here are old pictures of my choice for Ariel posing with Ana Braga:

Pics: Disney, Wenn.com

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Johnny Depp’s Family Hated The Hell Out Of Amber Heard

May 26, 2016 / Posted by:

Hmmm, why did that plane just skywrite the words ‘Eat Shit And Die Trampber! Love Jhnnys Fmly’?

The planet nearly experienced a 12.8 earthquake yesterday when everyone’s jaws hit the floor out of shock after finding out that Johnny Depp and Amber Heard’s marriage is done after 15 months. Nobody saw that coming, because look at the heat between them in that picture. You can feel it! Or maybe that heat is from his humid swamp pits and her fiery hot invisible devil horns. Yeah, that must be it.

Several sources tell TMZ that the precious union that gave hope to the future of the sanctity of marriage ended up sliding into the sewer, because Johnny’s family hated Amber more than his butt corn teeth hate the tingling feeling of toothpaste. The sources say that Johnny’s teenage daughter, his teenage son, his two sisters and his mom Betty Sue Palmer never liked Amber and weren’t quiet about it. They openly talked about how Amber treated Johnny like trash.

Hot Slut Of The Day!

May 26, 2016 / Posted by:

Squand!

Squand sounds like the original name for Squidward on SpongeBob Squarepants, but executives at Nickelodeon made them change the name, because to them it sounded like a vagina infection a chick gets from fucking on the beach or like the name of a homemade drug made from squirrel piss and Band-Aid glue. But Squand is actually a craft-toy-thing that was born sometime in the early-to-mid 90s and is still around.

By the 90s, many of the ideas for fucked up toys were already thought up and produced, but someone squeezed out another. Squand is sand that becomes sculptable clay in water. You can make your own Atlantis with it. It’s supposed to magically turn back into sand when you pull it out of the water, but it was mostly just a clump of messiness. Most people don’t just have an empty aquarium (or as my gourmet idol Sandra Lee calls it, “uh-kwar-ee-um.”) lying around, so most kids probably played with this crap in the bathtub. Cleaning that up must’ve been loads of fun for parents.

That bootleg Bill Nye and that Pugsley kid act like they snorted Squand instead of played with it. Hmmm… I guess there’s a good use for Squand after all.

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Birthday Sluts

May 26, 2016 / Posted by:

Helena Bonham Carter (50)
Brandy Cyrus (29)
Scott Disick (33)
Henry Holland (33)
Ashley Massaro (37)
Jaheim (38)
Lauryn Hill (41)
Selenis Leyva (44)
Matt Stone (45)
Kylie Ireland (46)
Lenny Kravitz (52)
Genie Francis (54)
Bobcat Goldthwait (54)
Tarsem Singh (55)
Doug Hutchison (56)
Margaret Colin (58)
Marian Gold of Alphaville (62)
Pam Grier (67)
Philip Michael Thomas (67)
Hank Williams, Jr. (67)
Stevie Nicks (68)

Pic: British Vogue

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Night Crumbs

May 25, 2016 / Posted by:

Anne Hathaway and James Corden got into a rap battle on his show. After watching it, I’m surprised that every major rapper didn’t immediately post their resignation letter from the game on Instagram before going to the nearest Starbucks to ask if they’re hiring. Because Anne brings it that hard – Lainey Gossip 

Sharon Osbourne thought Kelly Osbourne tweeting out her daddy’s side piece’s phone number was hilarious! Of course she did. I’m sure she was there when Kelly did it and afterward they toilet papered and egged that hussy whore’s house! – Celebitchy

Theresa Giudice’s bankruptcy case has been re-opened, but she’s not about to book another jail house photo shoot with InTouch, because she’s not in any trouble this time – Reality Tea 

RiRi’s new sunglasses for Dior look like Blue Blockers for rich space robots – Drunken Stepfather

Looking at Chloe Grace Moretz’s camel toe is something I did today – The Superficial

The hookers of Rosarito Beach, Mexico better stock up on PrEP and lots of condoms, because Charlie Sheen is apparently moving there – WWTDD

Brad Paisley yodeled about North Carolina’s transgender bathroom law – Towleroad

Carmen Electra looks hot and I’m not going to ruin my compliment by saying that her thirsty weave needs some Gatorade – Hollywood Tuna

Hot Topic’s Alice Through The Looking Glass clothing line looks exactly the way you’d think it looks – Pajiba

Leslie Jones worked as a Scientology telemarketer for a bit. There’s a part of me that wishes she would’ve joined those crazies and became Tom Cruise’s contract wife, because I know she’d bring them down from the inside! – Jezebel

Gigi Hadid walked and touched her hat at the same time. What did YOU do today? – Popoholic

Gwen Stefani probably would’ve looked better with just tinted moisturizer and Chapstick – OMG Blog

Blake Shelton ate sushi for the first time. Too easy – SOW

Who cares about Duchess Kate? Tell me more about that hot sailing dude – Popsugar

That chick that one sports announcer creamed over had a baby – IDLYITW

Not Just Another Caucasian Male, an upcoming Paul Walker biography by Michelle RodriguezHuffPo

Jennifer Aniston’s mother has died – Just Jared

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Amber Heard And Johnny Depp Are Over (UPDATE)

May 25, 2016 / Posted by:

Dramatically throw a black lace mourning scarf around your neck, because Amber Heard is done with being married to Johnny Depp after only 15 months. TMZ says that Amber filed papers on Monday to legally quit Johnny’s ass, and she did it just days after his mom died. January Jones is about to pass her ice cold queen crown to Amber Heard.

Entertainment Tonight says that Johnny’s mother, Betty Sue Palmer, died on May 20 in Los Angeles after being sick for a while. She was 81. Johnny and his mom were apparently really close. TMZ says that in the divorce documents Amber filed, she lists May 22 as the day they broke up for good. Amber says that “irreconcilable differences” is the reason why she wants to become Johnny Depp’s second ex-wife.

Like most of us, Johnny must have thought that this blessed union with Amber was going to last until eternity, because they didn’t sign a prenup. Amber wants spousal support, because duh. If you married someone who brings in millions of dollars yearly and they didn’t make you sign a prenup, you have to try to get a piece of the pie or you won’t be able to leave your house without getting covered in spit from other gold diggers who are sickened by you.

Because of the whole “no prenup” thing and the rumors about how their marriage was eating shit only six seconds after it began, this could get messier than the dental bib that Johnny wears during his visit to the dentist every 15 years. (UPDATE: TMZ says that Johnny has already filed his response and wants the court to trash Amber’s spousal support request.)

It must have been a really hard decision for Amber to make, because now that she’s not with Johnny Depp, she’s going to get less chances to throw down her pose game in front of a sea photographers at events. But then again, she’s a part of DC now and every one of those movies will have at least 50 premieres, so she’ll be fine. And really, after Amber and Johnny made that masterpiece hostage video together, she probably figured that their marriage had peaked and they’d never create anything as magnificent as that together again.

The good news for Johnny is that now he, his true soulmate Barnaby Joyce and Boo & Pistol can be one big happy family, at last.

Pic: TMZ

Open Post: Hosted By The Beloved Regal Cinemas Roller Coaster Of Movie Theater Dreams

May 25, 2016 / Posted by:

This Open Post is a tribute to the artist who took many of us on a delicious journey through a movie theater concession stand dreamland in the 90s and beyond. John McLaughlin was a visual effects artist who worked on several movies like Kung Fu Panda, Kung Fu Panda 2, Kung Fu Panda 3 and Shark Tale. But before he worked on the movies that your kids probably make you watch 45 times a day (after you’ve watched Frozen 65 times, of course), he created the roller coaster animation that played before every movie at every Regal Cinema.

John died on May 12th at the young age of 46. In his obituary in The Oregonian (via Mashable), it says that the Regal Cinema roller coaster animation was a personal project and one of his favorites:

One of John’s favorite personal projects that he created was the Regal Cinemas preview trailer featuring a roller coaster in space speeding between soda, candy and popcorn that played before each and every movie.

There’s been 4 updated versions of the dizzy-inducing roller coaster, including the latest one which is all Tron-like. It has NOTHING on the original. Hell, sometimes the Regal Cinema roller coaster ride was better than the movie itself.

Thank you, John, for bringing people so much joy, and I know it did, because there’d always be at least one person who raised their arms and screamed, “aaaaaaaah,” during the drops.

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This Dude Looks Like He Was “Inbred With A Tomato,” So Thinks Johnny Depp

May 25, 2016 / Posted by:

I don’t exactly know how he can be “inbred with a tomato,” but I see it. That picture is giving me “Willy Wonka’s three-course meal gum malfunctioning during the tomato soup part.”

Barnaby Joyce, Australia’s agriculture minister turned deputy PM, has officially replaced soap as Johnny Depp’s number one enemy. The never-ending saga of the Yorkie smuggling case that rocked Australia and the world finally came to an end last month. Amber Heard pleaded guilty to falsifying quarantine documents, and after she and Johnny filmed a hilarious apology/hostage video, she got a slap on the wrist. That was that until Barnaby and Johnny decided to drag it out some more. Barnaby gave his own bitchy review of the apology video and Johnny also made fun of the video and the whole situation at a press conference. Well, on Jimmy Kimmel Live! on Monday, Johnny talked about one of his greatest artistic achievements (aka that apology/hostage video) and also said that Barnaby Joyce probably tastes delicious with a drizzling of balsamic and a slice of mozzarella.

Neo-Nazis Heil Taylor Swift As Their Aryan Queen

May 25, 2016 / Posted by:

Taylor Swift has a lot of titles like gazillionaire pop star, sole recipient of the Taylor Swift Award, self-proclaimed lightning rod for slut-shaming, leader of a squad of mostly skinny models and Dream Phone grand champion (I’m guessing), but there’s one title she probably isn’t happy about. Taylor is apparently worshipped as an Aryan goddess by a group of neo-Nazis on the Internet. One minute you’re the target of a Hitler quotes meme and posing next to a dude with a swastika on his shirt, and the next minute you’re the Aphrodite of white supremacy.

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