Birthday Sluts

July 4, 2015 / Posted by:

Koko The Gorilla (44)
Alyssa Miller (26)
Melanie Fiona (32)
Isabeli Fontana (32)
The Situation (33)
Becki Newton (37)
Elie Saab (51)
David Cross (52)
Ute Lemper (52)
Neil Morrissey (53)
Andrew Zimmern (54)
Victoria Abril (56)
Geraldo Rivera (72)
Queen Sonja of Norway (78)
Gina Lollobrigida (88)
Neil Simon (88)
Eva Marie Saint (91)

Pic: YouTube


Night Crumbs

July 3, 2015 / Posted by:

BREAKING: For the first time in the long history of their relationship (six seconds or so), long piece of dried jicama Calvin Harris posted a picture of his girlfriend Taylor Swift on Instagram. Calvin posted a picture of Tay Tay working the grill (and I’m sure her chef took over right after this picture was taken). The picture is dark, but I think she’s throwing a side-eye that says, “Dump me and it’ll be your nuts on this grill.” – Lainey Gossip

FINALLY, a movie star says something interesting during an interview. Technically, Paul Rudd’s ass said it, but still – The Superficial

Conan O’Brien crashed a girls night out to see Magic Mike XXL and you know he left a little milky, ginger butt cream on that movie theater seat – Towleroad

Methinks something got lost in communication and the source was really talking about George Clooney’s many ANAL experiments – Celebitchy

Teen Mom Jenelle is way too busy to be a mom. Why? Is Kesha in town again? – Reality Tea

Red, white and bulge – The Berry

Miley Cyrus went topless for V Magazine. You know, I’m a little disappointed that she also didn’t fuck that albino pineapple for the camera – Hollywood Tuna

But the clown wore it better (I’m talking about the clown in the second picture) – Drunken Stepfather

Malia Obama may be an intern on Girls. Please don’t tell me Lena Dunham gave her the job of giving mints to the dude who has to butt munch one of the characters in a scene – Jezebel

Can we get Matt Lauer to interview Button the pissing sheep next? – SOW

Scott Isadick gave himself and Kourtney Kartrashstain their next fake storyline for their reality shit show – Just Jared

That big tattooed sack of muscles who used to be with Kelly Brook has a peen and this is what it looks like – (NSFW) OMG Blog

This is how most obits should read – Egotastic

The Alien Lizard King and the Cumberbitches’ enemy #1 made their first appearance since their baby was born – Popsugar

In every selfie of the permanently thirsty Hilaria Baldwin in her panties should be a baby screaming, “STOP!” – HuffPo

Pic: Instagram


Who Is June’s Hot Slut Of The Month?

July 3, 2015 / Posted by:

Before you fill your body with so many pounds of hot dogs and sweet nectar that you can’t physically raise a finger to hit a key, vote for the hottest Hot Slut of all the Hot Sluts of June. As always, three of the HSOTM finalists were chosen by you (based on Facebook likes) and the fourth is a wild card pick chosen by my ass. But this month, I would’ve chosen every single one of these Hot Sluts, because it really is a major Hot Slut battle when the fighters are a muscled-up ginger kangaroo, a human My Little Pony with eyebrows that could cut a whore, a legendary poet and the son of the most talented woman in the world! The HSOTM finalists are:

Roger, the buff, ginger bro kangaroo who looks like he will beat your face in while stealing your girlfriend.

Courtney Barnes, Sweet Brown’s successor as America’s most beloved star witness.

Maurice Turner, the ex-fiancé of Rachel Dolewhatever (Remember her? Yeah, me neither) who compared her vajayjay to the Milk Way in a gorgeous love song that touched me and left me numb.

Shel Rasten, the Fabio-haired hot piece who came out of the body of Charo!

Voting is below. The winning Hot Slut will be announced next Thursday. And yes, Shel Rasten was my pick, because it would go against everything I believe in to not include the child of Charo in this competition.


Open Post: Hosted By Shia LaBeouf Line Dancing To A Steve Earle Song In A Stay USA Hotel Parking Lot

July 3, 2015 / Posted by:

And here I thought that the most ‘Murican thing that would touch my eyes this week would be the sight of a topless, Wild and Wonderful Whites-looking ass Shia LaDouche screaming “America!” while visiting Mount Rushmore. I was wrong. Shia managed to outdo himself. Shia, who recently busted his head, is currently shooting a movie in rural South Dakota and TMZ got a video of him and the movie’s crew doing the Copperhead Road line dance to the Steve Earle song of the same name in the parking lot of a Stay USA Hotel. Watching it made my nipples secrete Cheez Whiz. It’s that ‘Murican.

As I can tell from my liver shivering with fear, it’s the Fourth of July tomorrow and so I’m 100% sure that Shia is going to go all the way. Shia’s going to try to get a bald eagle to butt fuck him as he sucks off the end of a firework in the back of an American flag-painted El Camino driving up to a Dairy Queen. So we better hide all bald eagles and fireworks in a place Shia will never go. (Hint: Let’s hide them in a shower.)


Jennifer Garner And Ben Affleck Are Hiding Out With Their Kids In The Bahamas

July 3, 2015 / Posted by:

When you’re rich, famous and don’t want your old friends the paparazzi stalking you to get the first pictures of you “STEPPING OUT AFTER THE DIVORCE NEWS,” you pack up your kids and fly off to your house in the Bahamas. Every casino in the Bahamas is calling in their best counting cards catcher, because Ben Affleck is there right now.

Page Six, TMZ, UsWeekly and every other media outlet who was on the CC list that Bennifer 2.0’s publicist sent out say that right around the time they announced that their marriage was done, they traveled to the Caribbean. Page Six’s source says that Ben and Jennifer Garner’s first priority is their three kids and they knew that if they stayed in L.A. the paps would’ve followed them around while screaming, “Oh, oh, so now that you’re getting a divorce you want nothing to do with us? It’s like that, huh?” Ben and Jennifer just want to spend some quiet family time together in the Bahamas.

Hot Slut Of The Day!

July 3, 2015 / Posted by:

Disclosing tablets, the snitch ass bitches who will call your nasty teeth out and expose your lazy brushing ways!

Disclosing tablets may look like Dot Candy and also may look like they taste as delicious as chewable Tylenol tablets (Side note: I lived for the taste of chewable Tylenol tablets when I was kid and it’s surprising I didn’t overdose on that shit.), but they are the exact opposite of candy and taste gross. I don’t even know if kids nowadays have to chew on that nasty crap when going to the dentist. They probably all have daVinci veneers installed at birth.

The first or second time I went to the dentist, he made me brush in front of him and afterward, I had to chew on a disclosing tablet. Not only did chewing on a disclosing tablet give me gorgeous tie-die teef (click here if you really need to see what that looks like), but it also showed the plaque I missed while brushing. It turned the plaque either blue or bright red. You also had to be careful with that mess, because if it got on your clothes, it would leave stain and look like Poochie got her period on you.

I’m glad that as a total grown up (HAHAHA) I don’t have to chew on that nastiness when going to the dentist (and neither does Pete Doherty, because I’m sure a disclosing tablet would explode in his hand even before he put it in his mouth). Since I’m an adult now, my dentist just lectures me before taking it out on me with his drill. So much better than those blabbermouth tablets.

Pic: Google


Birthday Sluts

July 3, 2015 / Posted by:

Andrea Barber (39)
Olivia Munn (35)
Ludivine Sagnier (36)
Patrick Wilson (42)
Julian Assange (44)
Audra McDonald (45)
Shawnee Smith (46)
Sandra Lee (49)
Connie Nielsen (50)
Yeardley Smith (51)
Tom Cruise (53)
Thomas Gibson (53)
Hunter Tylo (53)
Montel Williams (59)
Betty Buckley (68)
Gloria Allred (74)
Tom Stoppard (78)

Pic: Getty


Night Crumbs

July 2, 2015 / Posted by:

Matt Damon has a ponytail now. Um, doesn’t Matt realize that Ben Affleck is the one who’s supposed to grow a totally hot post break-up, mid-life crisis ponytail? Matt Damon has never really done things to me, but now that he looks like a clean and shaven Leonardo DiCatchAHo cosplayer, he is doing things to me  – Lainey Gossip 

Tiger Woods denies passing his always wandering peen to a fellow golfer’s ex-wife, which means he totally passed his always wandering peen to a fellow golfer’s ex-wife – The Superficial 

Somebody needs to turn this crazy Christian lady’s extra campy rant into a disco dance remix. It’ll be the perfect thing to play at the reception of a gay wedding – Towleroad

NeNe “I Am A Rich Bitch” Leakes is trying to act like she doesn’t only care about money – Reality Tea

How to make your yoga video a one hundred percent more interesting: get your cat to pussy block the camera – Hollywood Tuna  

Why did I just mistake a pregnant Evangeline Lilly for Katey Sagal? – Drunken Stepfather

Gisele Bundchen and Tom Brady are too famous for some EXCLUSIVO Boston country club – Celebitchy

The new and longer Wet Hot American Summer: First Day of Camp trailer still needs more gay sex. It has gay flirting, but it definitely needs gay sex – The Berry 

Everyone’s new favorite panty creamer Ruby Rose walked to her car – Moe Jackson 

Kelly Kapowski had another baby – Popsugar

Nicole Scherzinger looks like a fly trying to give sexyface – Popoholic

Marisa Tomei is playing a lesbian billionaire in Empire next season – Just Jared

It actually took longer than I thought for the tabloids to say that Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck’s marriage ate shit because his dick wanted a piece of JLo again – ICYDK

John Travolta really needs to take the new Lex Luthor wig shopping – Egotastic

It’s the end of an era on Sesame Street SOW

In “EVERYONE saw this coming news,”  Diddy will not face felony charges for allegedly attacking his son’s football coach – Variety

Pic: Splash


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