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If you replaced Kate Moss’ bikini with a lime green extra tight Speedo and replaced that lit fag (I set that joke up for you) with a straw sticking out of a margarita and replaced that yacht floating off of the coast of Formentera, Spain with a plastic lounge chair, that picture would be me next week!
The VMAs are on Sunday and the Emmys are on Monday, so it’s a WONDERFUL time to go away and check into a hotel whose WiFi might be slower than Kourtney Kardashian’s speech pattern. You can always count on me to make smart decisions. I booked this trip months ago at the same time I scheduled my endoscopy thing (which happened last week) because I figured that THE SCOPE would poke out the burping hamster stuck in my chest and then I’d be able to celebrate by drinking all the tequila. THE SCOPE didn’t poke out the burping hamster stuck in my chest, but I did read on WebMD that massive amounts of tequila cures acid reflux (or is it makes it worse? I don’t remember), so I’m going to Cancun. While there, I also plan to have a commitment ceremony with THE SCOPE that throat boned me last week. We’re really in love.
Anyway, I plan to fart up crap about the VMAs on Sunday and Monday and throw up some Emmy shit on Monday night and Tuesday. Allison will be here and J. Harvey is going to help out until Labor Day, because somebody has to make a dick cheese joke. His ass will start on Sunday. My friend and the godbitch of Hot Slut of the Day, Lahoma, is also helping me out by doing a few HSOTDs. After Tuesday, I’ll be blogging here and there. I’ll be back full-time on Labor Day so make sure you have the broken crack pipes, empty wine cooler bottles and cum stains removed from the place before then. Hmmm, on second thought, leave the cum stains. They’ll blend in with the others.
People have almost died from doing the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge and it’s made silicone flower Pamela Anderson mad, but yet celeb whores are still doing it and they’ll keep doing it until we officially run out of water and our government has to start importing ice cold ocean water from Antarctica so celeb whores can keep doing it. When that ice cold imported ocean water runs out, they’ll find ways to keep doing it. Approximately, 4,895,789 celeb whores have done it and today, Benedict Cumberbatch became celeb whore #4,895,790 to do it. Since Bendadryl is a highly esteemed thespian and a real AC-TOR, he can’t do just a regular, boring, mundane Ice Bucket Challenge video. Benedict’s video is 2 minutes long and is filled with several scenes. It took 2 directors, 4 camera people, 1 costumer, 3 stunt doubles, 1 cinematographer, 3 caterers and a location scout to put it together. I’m surprised that at the end of it, there wasn’t a note stating that all the water was CGI’d in during post-production. It’s like the Gone with the Wind of Ice Bucket Challenge videos.
Does drool count as water? If it does, the drought over! Because while watching their alien amphibian god get splashed in the shower, his Cumberbitches drooled out gallons of drool from every orifice. The ALS Ice Bucket Challenge should become the ALS Cumberbitch Drool Challenge since we have plenty of that now.
If you can only stand to watch one more goddamn Ice Bucket Challenge video, watch Patrick Stewart doing it the way it was meant to be done.
Seen above letting out a post-poot laugh after dropping a pregnancy fart on her husband’s dick, Stacy Keibler birthed out the baby she made with the dude she rebounded with right after she lost her job as George Clooney’s award season escort. Being with George Clooney for so long made Stacy’s ovaries extra hungry so as soon as he pink-slipped her ass, she wrapped her vagine around the first raw dick she saw and humped it until a fetus checked into her womb. That raw dick she humped on belongs to her friend Jared Pobre. Stacy and Jared dated for three months before they made a baby together and they got married four months after that. Bitch took rebounding to the next level.
Stacy announced on her website today (via People) that she and her Mr. Peanut-looking ass husband, whose last name is a Spanish gold digger’s nightmare, are parents to a baby girl they named Ava Grace.
Jared and I have been blessed with the new love of our lives. Ava Grace Pobre was born at home on Wednesday, August 20th. We’ve never experienced a level of joy and happiness like this before! Thank you so much for all of the special wishes and positive energy.
Every time I go out in public, my friends and family refer to me as “you dumb bitch,” because the name fits and because I don’t respond to “Michael” when outside. What’s the point? Every trick is named Michael, so if I turned around every time I heard my name I’d wear out my neck muscles. Since 98% of the American population will name or has named their daughter Ava, Ava Grace Poor will soon know my pain.
Stacy says that she’s never experienced a level of “happines like this before,” but I don’t know if I’d use the word “happiness.” She should’ve used the word “awkward.” Because it was probably really weird when Baby Ava started to come out of Stacy’s body and Stacy grabbed her head while shouting, “Not today! Not today! Clooney doesn’t get married until September. You’re a month early. How am I going to steal his thunder now? Get the hell back in there!”
There was a time when 50 Cent and Floyd Mayweather Jr were best brofriends forever, but their bromance ended after a business deal between the two went bad two years ago. Since then, 50 Cent has made it one of his life goals to troll the shit out of Floyd and he continued to troll him hard on Instagram yesterday. While celeb whores keep challenging each other to that Ice Bucket Challenge, Ten Dimes challenged his ex-BFF to something else. A bunch of ice falling on Floyd isn’t a challenge at all, because he’s been hit in the skull so many times that he’s lost all feeling in his head and face. So 50 dared Floyd to complete a really challenging challenge. 50 dared Floyd to read.
Apparently, the noted lady beater has the reading skills of Kendull Jenner and this Christmas he’ll probably find a copy of Hooked on Phonics in his stocking. Floyd reads about as good as 50 Cent throws. On Instagram yesterday, 50 challenged Floyd to read one page from a Harry Potter book. If Floyd can do it without stopping and starting again, 50 promised to donate $750,000 to any charity of his choice. 50 later changed up the challenge when he realized that maybe Harry Potter is a little too advanced for Floyd. 50 is allowing Floyd to read “Cat In The Hat” and Jimmy Kimmel agreed to host the “ALS/ESL challenge” on his show. Oh, 50, that glorious piece of shit asshole.
After 50 Cent challenged Floyd to read, Power 105′s The Breakfast Club played a clip of Floyd struggling to read a handful of words. That’s some Jordan Catalano shit.
Floyd hasn’t publicly responded to 50 Cent yet, but there’s a rumor on Tumblr and Twitter that he tweeted (and deleted) this:
Floyd can’t read a book, but he can read a bitch.
TMZ delivered some truly devastating news this morning that has rocked the playground social scene of NYC. The grand dame of the Manhattan prep school scene has been tragically forced to give up her throne and move all the way to California. The private school girls of Manhattan are so lost today and they don’t know what to do. Is this season about wearing red quilted Chanel ballet flats with their school uniform or are they supposed to wear navy patent leather Louis Vuitton Mary Jane kitten heels with their school uniform? How can they go on without their queen to guide them? And of course, this is all Katie Holmes’ fault.
According to TMZ, Katie has pulled Suri Cruise out of NYC and has moved them both to L.A. Expect Suri’s Burn Book to have a lot more “like, yeahs” in it, because Katie bought a 6,000 square foot house in Calabasas, CA for almost $4 million. Katie wanted to keep the whole thing on the hush (read: she didn’t want those crazy whores at Scientology to find out) so she made everyone involved in the purchase of the house sign a confidentiality agreement and they agreed to pay $1 million if they violated that shit. Katie moved her and Suri back to CA, because she wants to get better movie roles and thinks she needs to be near Hollywood to do so. Katie also thinks that Calabasas is a good place to raise Suri.
Sometimes when Katie “thinks,” bad things happen (see: signing up for Jack and Jill and moving Suri to Calabasas). I mean, Calabasas is the home turf of the Kartrashians! Do they even have an appointment-only Lanvin Kids boutique in L.A.? Someone should go ahead and file a child abuse claim with the county before things go too far and what I mean by that is before Suri is forced to go to Dash to shop for a dress for her school’s 3rd grade winter ball. Wait, do private schools in Calabasas even have 3rd grade winter balls? What have you done Katie? What you have done???
Well, it could’ve been worse. Suri could’ve been forced to live with Tommy Girl.
Speaking of, here’s TG and his brown Ellen DeGeneres hair ruling the set of Mission Impossible 5 in Vienna, Austria yesterday.
Zac Efron and Michelle Rodriguez would still be a couple if they hadn’t gone to Ibiza and he knew ahead this wasn’t what she meant by muff-diving. – Texndoc
Would someone please tell the Afghan Navy that this is not how it works. – perky
Marina Abramopug, the performance artist that not only the art world, but the world-at-large, NEEDS!
James Franco, Lady CaCa and Jay-Z’s homegirl Marina Abramovic is considered the most popular and biggest performance artist today and that’s never made sense to me, because the Porn Iguana is a much more prolific and emotional performance artist and the art world never gives her the credit she deserves! But anyway, in case you blocked it out, a few years ago, Marina Abramovic did that “The Artist Is Present” piece where she sat in a chair and stared deep into the eyes of the person sitting across from her. It was the Ice Bucket Challenge of its time, because practically everyone did it. HuffPo says that the grandmother of performance art is now in London doing a piece called “512 Hours” where she stands, stares, sits and does nothing for 65 days straight. Big deal, Marina. I’ve been doing nothing for decades! Where’s my grant from Kodak or wherever? While Marina does nothing at the Serpentine Gallery, her new protégée and future successor, Marina Abramopug is also bringing emotional art to the people of London at Hyde Park. File this under: This is what hipster’s consider “doggy playtime.”
Marina Abramopug has rebooted Marina Abramovic’s “The Artist Is Present” and is sitting in a chair where she stares into the soul of the person sitting across from her FOR HOURS (or until she gets bored and starts licking her ass, which usually happens about 2 minutes after her shift begins). Marina Abramopug’s “personal assistant,” comedian and performance artist, Hannah Ballou, said that she’s performed “The Artist (And The Dog Fart She Just Pooted Out) Is Present” twice already and there might be more to come:
“She’s open to performing the work again if invited by a suitably prestigious institution. She’s in discussions with rapper Snoop Dogg about a future collaboration, which we think will really shake up the art world.”
Those who have been lucky to sit across from Marina Abramopug have said that they experienced a real emotional breakthrough. They started to cry and their hands shook and mostly because they were resisting the urge to straighten that pug’s wig. Bitch’s wig is crooked!
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