In case you haven’t been following the feud between Death Eaters royalty and Hollywood royalty, Karl Lagerfeld fired the first shot when he said that Meryl Streep ordered a Chanel couture gown to wear to the Oscars but waved it away after she found a fashion house that would pay her to wear their dress. Kunty Karl called Meryl “cheap.” Meryl tapped the white-haired vampire’s chest with a stake by saying that she would never accept a check to wear a dress. Karl then dribbled out a generic apology about how he was mistaken. But Meryl really shoved the stake all the way in when she called Kunty Karl a damn liar and refused to accept his weak ass apology. Meryl added that Karl’s lie added a layer of shit on what should be a wonderful moment (aka her getting an Oscar nomination for the 20th time). And that brings us to the Oscars tonight….
Meryl ended up wearing a custom Elie Saab gown-over-pants-thing.
Somewhere in his lair, Kunty Karl took a break from drinking blood out of his current boy toy to look up at the TV and say, “Dress looks cheap, just like her.” And really, I hate Meryl’s look tonight. I really thought she was going to wear a giant gown that had the words, “Fuck You Karl,” written on the front and the words, “And yes, I got paid to wear this bitch,” written on the back. Oh well, maybe next year. You know she’ll be nominated.
Tonight is the night when many of us will call 911 to report a grand theft robbery after (probably) witnessing Moonlight get shamelessly robbed by a “singing,” dancing and prancing Emma Stone and Ryan Gosling. If you’re a 911 operator and happen to get a call tonight from a crazed and drunken gay dude who is slurring out the words, “It was the ginger and the warbling Canadian dreamboat! I saw them rob Moonlight with my own eyes,” please take my report seriously and dispatch the cops to arrest those thieving tricks immediately.
If you’re planning to play a drinking game while watching all 900 hours of the Oscars tonight and you don’t want your liver to melt and slip out of your asshole, I suggest you take a drink every time La La Land doesn’t win and when a winner doesn’t get political during their speech. But if you really want your liver to melt and slip out of your asshole tonight, then go ahead and take a drink every time La La Land wins and when a winner gets political during their speech. Or just do like I do and stick a bunch of wine corks up your culo so your liver doesn’t slip out and drink the entire time.
I may spit up a few Oscar posts tonight, but Allison and I will cover it all tomorrow.
And now I leave you with pictures of former HSOTD and once reigning Empress of the Oscars Red Carpet (not to be confused with the Queen of the Oscars Red Carpet, Edy Williams), Sally Kirkland wearing one of my all-time favorite Oscar looks in 2007. Sally looked like she was on her way to a funeral for a stripper and got trapped in a deflated hot air balloon. I’m no Sally Kirkland historian, sadly, but my research shows that 2007 was the last time she graced the Oscars red carpet with her charisma, glamour and star power. The other jealous stars probably threatened to boycott if Sally was invited to the Oscars again, because they were sick of her stealing the spotlight from their boring asses. And dear God if Sally Kirkland makes her grand return to the Oscars red carpet tonight, I promise to stay 100% sober throughout the entire show (and yes, I crossed my toes, eyes and ass lips while typing that).
If you had told me early this morning that Bill Paxton, Mag the Mighty from Game of Thrones and Judge Joseph Wapner are taking the trip to the afterworld together, I’d tell you to stop eating edibles for breakfast, but that’s exactly what has happened. There goes another piece of my childhood.
TMZ says that Judge Wapner died this morning in L.A. He was 97. Judge Wapner was in the hospital last week with breathing problems. His condition got worse and so he was taken to his home and was put under hospice care.
Before Judge Judy, Judge Mablean, Judge Joe Brown, Judge Mathis and Judge Marilyn Milan, there was Judge Wapner! Judge Wapner served on the L.A. Superior Court from 1961-79, and in the 80s, he was cast as the star of television’s first arbitration-based reality court show, The People’s Court. Judge Wapner was on the show from 1981 to 1993. Where I lived as a kid, The People’s Court came on a little later, like at 4pm, so I used to watch it while doing my homework after school. Judge Wapner didn’t drag tricks as hard as Judge Judy does, but I still lived for him verbally slapping down messes in his court room. Judge Wapner (and the court room scenes from Dynasty) taught me how the justice system works!
The People’s Court was canceled in 1993 after ratings dropped to an all-time low. It was revamped in 1997, but Judge Wapner was not asked to star in it. He was replaced with Ed Koch and TMZ’s Harvey Levin was brought in to host. Judge Marilyn Milan is the current head judge of The People’s Court. In 2009, Judge Wapner made his grand return to the show to preside over one case.
Judge Wapner was married to his wife Mickey Wapner for 70 years and they had 3 children together.
Rest in peace, Judge Wapner. If the angels didn’t say, “one minute to Wapner,” one minute before Judge Wapner appeared at the gates, then they need to watch Rain Man again.
And now let’s end with a classic People’s Court clip featuring Judge Wapner, the show’s legendary theme song, 80s court room glamour, Doug Llewelyn’s luscious cloud of hair (either real of polyester) and talk of enemas.
Just a couple of weeks ago, Bill Paxton was at the NAACP Image Awards, looking good, and he has been working on his show Training Day, but this morning, his family dropped eighty hundred tons of sad and shock on the world by saying that he has died at the way-too-young age of 61. Bill’s family said in a statement that he died of complications from surgery. TMZ heard that Bill went through heart surgery and had a fatal stroke afterward.
“It is with heavy hearts we share the news that Bill Paxton has passed away due to complications from surgery. A loving husband and father, Bill began his career in Hollywood working on films in the art department and went on to have an illustrious career spanning four decades as a beloved and prolific actor and filmmaker. Bill’s passion for the arts was felt by all who knew him, and his warmth and tireless energy were undeniable. We ask to please respect the family’s wish for privacy as they mourn the loss of their adored husband and father.”
It seems like Bill Paxton was in absolutely everything. He was in Terminator, Commando, Aliens, Predator 2, the masterpiece Boxing Helena, Tombstone, Apollo 13, True Lies, a couple of Spy Kids movies, and of course Titanic and Twister. Bill, and Lance Henriksen, are also the only two actors who hold the high honor of being killed by a Terminator, an Alien and a Predator in a movie.
On TV, Bill was in all 5 seasons of Big Love, and he was nominated for an Emmy in 2014 for playing Randall McCoy in Hatfields & McCoys. Like I said above, Bill starred with Justin Cornwell on CBS’ Training Day. Bill’s 22-year-old son James Paxton, who is also an actor, recently worked with his dad on an episode.
Even though Bill seemed to be everything, many 80s children, like myself, probably consider his greatest role to be the total douche brother in the 80s cinematic jewel of perfection Weird Science. Bill was one of the best parts of that perfect, perfect movie. Bless the person who made this “Best of Chet” video for YouTube.
Bill is survived by his wife of 30 years Louise Newbury and their two children, James and Lydia Paxton.
Rest in peace, Bill Paxton. I’d like to think that as soon as Bill got through the gates of heaven, you said, “How ’bout a nice greasy pork sandwich served in a dirty ashtray, buttweeds!”
Eileen Bowman, the actress who earned a place in the Oscars Fuckery Hall of Fame when she played Snow White in the glittery train wreck opening number at the 1989 Academy Awards!
Hollywood and Broadway producer Alan Carr died in 1999, and when he did, his brain should’ve been preserved and displayed at the Smithsonian, because it is a national treasure that came up with the idea of having a singing Snow White and Rob Lowe bust out Proud Mary during the opening of the Oscars in 1989. It was the perfect way to end the era of pure foolery.
Erykah Badu (46)
Teresa Palmer (31)
Shiloh Fernandez (32)
Ally Hilfiger (32)
Nate Ruess (35)
Sharon Van Etten (36)
Corinne Bailey Rae (38)
Maz Jobrani (45)
Max Martin (46)
Mark Dacascos (53)
Greg Germann (59)
Tim Kaine (59)
Michael Bolton (64)
Bree Walker (64)
Dante Ferretti (74)
Fats Domino (89)
Johnny Cash (1932-2003)