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Night Crumbs

April 23, 2014 / Posted by:

Prepare to throw a RIP at the wig industry, because Nicki Minaj is done with wigs for now. Well, at least the wig industry still has RuPaul, Beyonce and John TravoltaCelebitchy

As Stacy Keibler sticks out her barely-there “Take that, Clooney” bump, George Clooney licks tequila off of his new piece’s chichis while totally forgetting that Stacy Keibler exists   – Lainey Gossip

The fist up Elmo’s ass is off the hook – The Superficial

Reason # 456,984,986,999,101 for why Betty White is the greatest human who lives – Towleroad

If you need some slutty gardening done, then Sara Malakul is the ho for you – Hollywood Tuna

One of the Teen Mom tricks wants to birth out another 15 minutes – Reality Tea

Sarah Hyland shows us one way to get cast in a Woody Allen movie - Drunken Stepfather

A giant load of DUH falling on your eyes: Tori and Dean’s cheating scandal is about as fake as her dented and melted Tupperware bowl titties – Jezebel

Do I want to know what that DJ in the shark teeth t-shirt is doing to Duchess Kate with his eyes? – Popsugar

Sofia Vergara’s torso looks like your grandma’s dinner table with two hams on it – Popoholic

“THIS IS THE BEST NEWS EVER BECAUSE WE REALLY NEEDED ANOTHER FUCKING MARILYN MONROE BIOPIC,” said not one bitch ever – IDLYITW

If Jennifer Aniston really is going bald, she can give Nicki Minaj’s leftover weaves and wigs a good home – ICYDK

Hot pieces in cum goggles – The Berry

That Keegan Allen trick seems a little too old for James Franco’s tastes, but I guess a hand is a hand – SOW

And I’d rather watch a serious biopic about the life of the Cadbury Creme EggPajiba

Eric Hill from The Bachelorette died in a paragliding accident – HuffPo

If you’ve ever said that Meg Ryan has a face for voiceovers, you should know that she listened to you – Just Jared

And here’s ASkars’ younger brother on HERO Magazine – OMG Blog

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Iggy Azalea Stopped Crowdsurfing Because Creepers Kept Trying To Finger Her

April 23, 2014 / Posted by:

Australian rapper Iggy Azalea’s (born name: Amethyst Amelia Kelly) crowdsurfing days are pretty much over, because almost every time she throwns herself into the audience, some gross motherfucker has to finger rape her. While talking to NYC’s Hot 97 about her new album, the subject of crowdsurfing was bought up and Iggy said she’s done with that mess because sick fucks can’t stop assaulting her. Iggy says that girls are the worst offenders and she has to wear four layers of fabric to protect her chocha from wandering fingers. She should just wear a tiny bear trap on her crotch that closes every time a finger touches it. That’ll solve it. Iggy said this:

“I know I had to stop. It’s funny, because we were talking about how on my tour I’m only doing 2000 seaters, but I still have to have barriers even if it’s like 200 people. Because people try to finger me. But I will get lurk tweets for like a week before my show like, ‘I’m about to go to the Iggy Azalea show and I’m gonna finger her and…’ I’ll see it and be like, ‘Please don’t, that’s a violation. I actually don’t like that stuff.’ Like they think I’m really slutty like, ‘Oh she’s got a song called Pussy I know what she wants. She wants these two fingers.’ Why would I want a stranger to ever finger me? I don’t want that. Buying my album for $12 doesn’t mean you get to finger me when I come to your city.

The crazy thing is girls will try to do it the most. Girls will try to do it more than guys. Girls think it’s cool like, ‘We’ve both got vaginas. It’s fine.’ It doesn’t make it okay. Now, no lie, I wear two pairs of underpants and then a pair of skin-colored tights and then my pants as a protection barrier.”

I’ve heard the whole “If you don’t want to get fingered, don’t crowdsurf!” argument, but shouldn’t Iggy be able to enjoy the joys of crowdsurfing (I’ll get back to on what those “joys” are because I can’t think of one) without worrying about someone giving her an unwanted pelvic exam? It’s not like they’re just touching her ass to hold her up. They’re going in. It would be different if before she jumped into the crowd she said, “Okay, whores, finger condoms on! I’m going to crowdsurf. Feel free to finger me, but you must buy me a top shelf drink afterward.” And I may or may not have said that while dancing on a box at a gay club in 2003.

Here’s Iggy Hot 97 interview and the crowdsurfing talk starts at the 0:40 mark.

Open Post: Hosted By Rumer Willis Keeping It Demure And Elegant

April 23, 2014 / Posted by:

When you’re only famous for ripping your famous mom’s body in two when the doctor pulled your Easter Island Statue head out of her and you’re about as talented as a pile of instant potato flakes, you have to do what you can to get attention and that includes flashing your potato eye at some event. At Elle’s 5th Annual Women in Music Concert Celebrate in Hollywood last night, Tater Head brought massive amounts of desperation (which strangely enough smells like burnt potato sprouts) and sophistication to the carpet when she showed up wearing an easy access skirt that a 90s pussy peddler on a budget would wear. That entire ensemble says, “$5 for a blow, $20 for a lay, $40 if you want me to fuck you in the butt with my hung chin.

Tater Head thinks she’s got this, but she doesn’t. Since Demi Moore is her daughter’s age (on the inside), she’ll steal this skirt and wear it out. When she does, she’ll show Tater Head how it’s really meant to be worn. It’s not meant to be worn with the cutouts on the side. It’s meant to be worn with the cutouts in the front and without panties. Tater Head tried.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

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Jodie Foster Got Married

April 23, 2014 / Posted by:

Raise a glass of whatever power lesbians are drinking noadways (Clamato and vodka?) to Jodie Foster who got married to her girlfriend of almost a year, photographer and actress Alexandra Hedison, over the weekend. I know I should keep up with the goings on of Jodie Foster’s vagine, but I can never keep up with the goings on of Jodie Foster’s vagine. Jodie had a 20 year-long relationship with her partner, righteous soul sister and co-mom to her two kids Cydney Bernard but that supposedly ended when she got caught with her mouth on the cookie jar of another woman named Cindy Mort. But now Jodie’s doing the holy matrimony coochie bump with Alexandra Hedison who dated Ellen DeGeneres for three years. Hollywood really is just one big swap party and since Alexandra went from Ellen to Jodie, Rosie O’Donnell is looking at that hot piece while licking her chops and thinking to herself, “All mine in two years.”

E! has all the thrilling details:

I can exclusively reveal that the Oscar winner and her photographer girlfriend of almost a year got married this past weekend.
A rep for Foster confirms the happy news.

As E! News first reported, the two started dating sometime last summer.

“It’s pretty serious,” a source told us in September. “They’re totally in love.”

Jodie and her new wife haven’t even been together for a year, but I don’t blame her for getting married so fast. I’m gayer than a squirt of strawberry-scented lube on a purple glitter dildo and even I wanted to marry Alexandra when she was on The L Word.

E! doesn’t have anymore details like what Jodie wore (a power suit, she wore a power suit) or who went to her wedding. But if her best friend forever Mel Gibson was there, I’m sure everybody got the warms in their hearts when he raised his glass and said, “Congrats to my favorite dyke!”

Pic: Getty

Katy Perry Makes Children Cry

April 23, 2014 / Posted by:

Last night, executives at Katy Perry’s label tore up her contract while screaming, “Well, what do we have then?!”, after she told Jimmy Kimmel that she’s sick of doing sexy videos where her tits are hanging out. Katy told late-night STUNT QUEEN Jimmy Kimmel that his “biggest twerk fail ever” stunt inspired her to prank real children’s birthday parties for the video for her new single “Birthday.” Katy went undercover as 5 of the worst birthday entertainers and one of them was a trashy, drunk, thug clown (no, not Justin Bieber) who ruined a kid’s birthday party. That sounds like a fitting and a totally sensical video concept for a song that’s basically about how Katy Perry’s going to let her birthday boyfriend titty fuck her before he eats cake frosting off of her twat. Here’s a piece of the lyrics:

So let me get you in your birthday suit
It’s time to bring out the big balloons
So let me get you in your birthday suit
It’s time to bring out the big, big, big, big, big, big balloons

Boy, when you’re with me
I’ll give you a taste
Make it like your birthday everyday
I know you like it sweet
So you can have your cake
Give you something good to celebrate

Anyway, Katy played Kimmel a clip where she traumatizes the children by failing to hit the pinata before stumbling into the street where she “causes” a car accident. Katy’s whole act was staged, but TMZ says that none of the children or parents were in on it. TMZ posted a longer clip and they say that scars grew on those children’s innocence as they cried and asked to go home.

Since my heart is a pile of dried-up vulture shit, I smile whenever I see kids crying over clowns, but those kids are total drama queens. So a drunk in a jacked-up outfit took over the pinata stick and ruined the party? Big deal. That happened at all of my birthday parties growing up. It could’ve been a lot worse and Katy could’ve really given those chirrun a reason to cry. I mean, she could’ve performed that “Birthday” song live for them.

Pics: Splash

MARK THIS DAY: People Magazine Actually Chooses A Worthy “Most Beautiful Person”

April 23, 2014 / Posted by:

People was probably hit with lawsuit after lawsuit last year when eyeballs rolled out of sockets and stomachs heaved themselves up throats and out of mouths when they named freeze dried piece of organic bleached celery Goopy Paltrow as their World’s Most Beautiful Woman. So this year, they decided to spare people from dry barfing until they turn inside/out by putting the world’s sweetheart Lupita Nyong’o on the cover of their annual Clients Of The 50 Hardest Working Publicists In The Game 50 Most Beautiful issue. Everyone keeps saying that Lupita was obviously the only choice and they’re right, but I still hope that the Rhubarb Lady and La Vampy were in the running. Lupita said this about achieving something that is even GREATER than winning an Oscar (served in a tortilla made of sarcasm):

“It was exciting and just a major, major compliment. I was happy for all the girls who would see me on [it] and feel a little more seen.”

People really better slow down and watch it. If they keep putting actual beautiful people on their “Beautiful” issues then we’ll all start to think they went sane and actually know what the definition of “beautiful” is. They don’t want to go and ruin their reputation.

And it’s obvious that decades ago, Julia Roberts threatened to gallop into the homes of People’s editors and eat their children if they don’t put her on every “Beautiful” issue, because every single year there’s her face. The look on Baby Prince George’s face perfectly expresses my feelings about that.

Hot Slut Of The Day!

April 23, 2014 / Posted by:

The humongous, red siren-worthy, BREAKING NEWS camel toe that sucked in all the attention during a local news story about a home robbery.

While covering a story about six teens who broke into and robbed a house in Houston, TX, KPRC interviewed the hero neighbor who watched it all go down and called the police, and I kept waiting for the reporter Phillip Mena to stick his mic under her massive, hungry, hungry camel toe to ask its thoughts on this shit. I think I saw its lips move once. The hero neighbor didn’t want to be identified, so instead of showing her face, the cameraperson focused on her coochie eating her leggings. They should’ve blurred out her sideways Homer Simpson to protect its identity too.

Somebody shot this, a producer and the reporter looked at the footage, it was edited and they all went with it and decided that their story really needed a long, close-up of a giant camel toe (“Camel toe? It’s the WHOLE hoof.” – Chrisley) Those hos knew what they were doing. But that hero neighbor’s camel toe should be proud, because it has earned a spot in the Camel Toe Hall of Fame with CoCo’s legendary toe, Lil Kim’s “plastic red bag stuffed with palm-sized oysters” crotch and Mimi’s lamb toe. Behold.

hsotdlocalnewscameltoe

This has to be the most newsworthiest thing that’s been on the local news in a long ass time. Where’s their Peabody?

via Reddit (Thanks Laura)

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Birthday Sluts

April 23, 2014 / Posted by:

Joyce DeWitt (65)
Dev Patel (24)
Matthew Underwood (24)
Jessica Stam (28)
Taio Cruz (31)
Jamie King (35)
Joanna Krupa (35)
John Cena (37)
John Oliver (37)
Kal Penn (37)
Barry Watson (40)
Melina Kanakaredes (47)
John Hannah (52)
George Lopez (53)
Valerie Bertinelli (54)
Jan Hooks (57)
Judy Davis (59)
Michael Moore (60)
Lee Majors (75)

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