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Elly Jackson (26)
Danny Jones (28)
Aaron Eckhart (46)
Darryl Strawberry (52)
Courtney B. Vance (54)
Marlon Jackson (57)
Lesley Manville (58)
Ron Jeremy (61)
James Taylor (66)
Mitt Romney (67)
Liza Minnelli (68)
Al Jarreau (74)
Barbara Feldon (81)
Edward Albee (86)
If you’re the one who once said a prayer to the universe to please gift us with pictures of a weaved-up, furry Jake Gyllenhaal baring his hot Hank Hill ass and wearing a taped down cock curtain while banging a pan in Rome, we all owe you a thank you. Yes, I’ll take Jake looking like he’s playing Jesus in Brokeback Nazareth - Lainey Gossip
Does this mean Lena Dunham will never fulfill her destiny of starring in a live-action version of the Little Critter movie? – The Superficial
When you tell Mindy Kaling she needs more diversity in her cast, she’ll plug her eyes and say, “nananananana I’m a fucking Indian woman with my own show nananna” – Celebitchy
Is Miley Cyrus looking for her missing ass in Amazon Ashley’s tits? – Drunken Stepfather
The real truth is that JLo wouldn’t save anyone, because she doesn’t want to ruin her gel manicure by putting her hands in all that damn saltwater – Jezebel
Okay, but why does Nicki Minaj’s outfit looks like an 80s businesswoman’s jogging suit? – Hollywood Tuna
Hodor from Game of Thrones is gay and yes, yes I would – Towleroad
The trailer for the new season of Scenes From A Wax Museum Fire (copyright: Tina Fey) is here – Reality Tea
Julianne Hough kind of looks like a prettier Derek Hough now. Trying to get Ryan Seacrest back, I see… – Popoholic
The Louisiana Trailer Park Flower that is Brit Brit once again ruins an exquisitely elegant ensemble with UGGs – IDLYITW
Juliette Lewis says she’s quit all the bullshit and yet she’s still got a Scientology membership card in her wallet – ICYDK
Dear #24, John Travolta wishes he had your problems – The Berry
The shit us humans do with our time on Earth never ceases to amaze me – Tosh.0
Nicki Minaj spends her vacation doing what Nicki Minaj always does, even when she’s not on vacation – HuffPo
Real love is being able to sniff your piece’s pits while you’re standing and posing for a picture together – Popsugar
It’s pretty fitting that the Vladimir Pootin butt plug looks constipated - OMG Blog
Only Tilda Swinton can wear a Santa Fe’s grandmother’s throw rug and pull it off – Just Jared
Shouldn’t they temporarily change the title to 3 Broke Girls? – Celebslam
Pic: Pacific Coast News
And this keeps happening. One minute, there’s rumors that Lupita Nyong’o is hearing the words, “Honey, touch anything but the hair,” every night, because she’s doing Jared Leto. The next minute, there’s rumors that she’s dating a Canadian rapper whose name doesn’t start with “Wheelchair” and doesn’t end with “Jimmy.” And now here’s pictures of the delicate vampire Jesus and Lupita eating a meal in Paris together. Eh, it’s probably nothing. They’re just having a kiki and sharing beauty secrets. But Uncle Terry was there and he’s the one who took these pictures.
If you’re having a really hard time pissing today because your genitals jumped off of your body, crawled to the nearest catholic church and are now cleansing themselves in holy water, I’m going to guess that you read the latest Uncle Terry horror story that made the rounds yesterday and today. A woman wrote about how when she was 19, she went to a photo shoot thinking she was going to take some regular, old naked pictures with Uncle Terry and she walked out with his dried jizz on her face.
So, well, here’s Lupita posing for Uncle Terry and worse, she’s wearing his hipster goggles. When her cheek skin rots and slips off of her face and she gets a quadruple dose of potent pink eye, she’ll realize that putting that nasty skank’s glasses on wasn’t the best life decision she’s made.
Chelsea Handler was on Piers Morgan’s soon-to-be-dead CNN show to whore out her book Uganda Be Kidding Me (which I’m sure will be turned into a feature film produced by Oprah and directed by Steve McQueen), and as people who hate both of those messes said a prayer for CNN to lock the doors from the outside and unleash a thousand Luxes on them, she verbally kicked him in the taint repeatedly. During commercial break, Piers’ face was glued to his phone and he ignored Chelsea, so when they came back she gnawed his ass off with her teeth and handed it to him in front of all his viewers. It was beautiful. The first 45 seconds in the video above is of Chelsea shitting on Piers, but if you’re not into seeing that in moving picture form, here it is in word form only:
Piers – You tweet, very amusingly.
Chelsea – I wish you did.
Piers – Hahahahahahaha…
Chelsea – I mean in the middle of the commercial break…. I want your viewers to know, they must know, because they’re probably following you on Twitter. I mean, you can’t even pay attention for 60 seconds. You’re a terrible interviewer.
Piers – Well you just weren’t keeping my attention.
Chelsea – But, that’s not my problem.
Piers – That is your problem!
Chelsea – This is your show. You have to pay attention to the guests that you invited on your show.
Piers – If they’re interesting enough.
Chelsea – Yeah, listen. It doesn’t matter how interesting I am. You signed up for this job.
Piers – Of course it does!
Chelsea – Well, maybe that’s why your job is coming to an end.
Piers – Ahahahahahaha! Wooooooow.
Chelsea – Wow.
Piers – Don’t want to cross you, do we?
Chelsea – I don’t know, do you?
Piers – I quite like to cross you. I like you when you’re being nasty.
Chelsea has been on Pier’s show before and he has been on her show, and this is kind of they’re thing. They always whip at each other back and forth with words. I think those sick bitches are into it. I bet that after the show, Chelsea put a chain link collar on Piers and dragged him back to the dungeon behind a hidden door in his dressing room. She tied him to a wooden rack, put a ball gag in his mouth and in between smoking vodka out of a vaporizer (it’s less calories, thankyouverymuch), she called him a piece of shit, a loser, a terrible interview, etc… etc… Then she spit on his face and called his assistant to untie him. He falls a little more in love with her every time she curses him out. It’s like Fifty Shades of Ugh.
When Piers says that he likes it when Chelsea’s nasty, I could feel his nipples get hard. Yes, feeling Pier’s nipples get hard feels a lot like the feeling you felt while watching Justin and Selena’s dirty dance of infinite love.
Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux haven’t been papped together for 86 days, 14 hours, 12 minutes and 45 seconds (I made those numbers up, but I’m sure a high level Brangeloonie will correct me), but yesterday they mysteriously came out of Barney’s in NYC together on the same day that two new US posters for Maleficent came out. Coincidence, I think not! Jennifer Aniston’s team obviously hacked into the system of Disney’s marketing department, found the exact date when they were planning to release the new US posters for Maleficent and then she staged a choreographed pap stroll with Anarchist Eddie Munster on the same day. What won’t that shameless heffa do to get all the attention on her?! And of course she had to borrow Beyonce’s Temper-Pedic Bump® to get her 500th “THERE’S A BABEH IN THERE” cover of Life & Style. I’m surprised she didn’t stop in front of the paps and queef out a newborn real quick. She’s probably saving that move for Maleficent’s release date.
*This post sponsored the International Association of Brangeloonies Against Aniston Stunts*
Lorde, the Emily the Strange doll with a spiral perm who was brought to life by The Craft witches, and 7 year high school senior Taylor Swift are friends, because 24-year-old Taylor has to take every teenage celebrity girl under her wing. Taylor has a lot of ~wisdom~ to share with the youngins, and teenagers won’t totally judge her when she wants to do something edgy like steal two bottles of Mike Hard’s Cranberry Lemonade from 7-Eleven and drink ‘em under the bleachers after curfew.
The two have been papped together, so while talking about her upcoming tour in Australia on KIIS 1065′s Kyle & Jackie Show, trolling radio troll Kyle Sandilands asked Lorde about her relationship with the walking Big Sister Club of America (And Beyond). Kyle tried to act like he wasn’t asking Lorde if her and Taylor are starring in a real-life remake of Blue Is The Warmest Color (but since it’s Taylor, it would be called Lemon Meringue Blonde Is The Warmest Color), but that’s what he was asking. Lorde wasn’t here for his Taylor Swift questions or for his lesbian jokes.
Kyle: Are you bringing your new bestie Taylor Swift? I see you guys in pictures everywhere. Are you guys together now?
Kyle: Not together, like as in lesbian, I’m not talking “Ellen” together. I’m talking about, you guys are friendly, right?
Lorde: What do you mean you’re not talking about “Ellen together.” Is there something wrong with lesbians? Is that what you’re trying to say?
Kyle: Oh my god no, I would love that. I would totally love that. Are you going to confirm you’re in a lesbian relationship with her?
Lorde: Don’t even try it.
The hell kind of question is that? Lorde is 17 (here comes the Lorde age truthers) and I know Taylor is a chickenhawk who likes them young, but I’m pretty sure 18 is her cut off. Lorde & Taylor (I bought my mom a scarf there once) are just a teenage girl and a 24-year-old woman who thinks she’s a teenage girl doing teenage girl stuff together as friends! That’s all. Besides Taylor doesn’t have time for a full-time relationship. She’s much too busy doing other things like breaking into Karlie Kloss’ closet and taking notes of all the clothes in there so she can buy the same things and studying hours upon hours of footage of Karlie Kloss’ breathing pattern so she can replicate it. Dating a 17-year-old? That’s crazy. Taylor isn’t that creepy!
You probably read that headline and thought to yourself, “Alec Baldwin must be stopped!”
If that legendary video from last December of a Not The One Pussy busting some Mortal Kombat shit on the asshole who kicked him taught us anything, it’s that you should never kick a cat unless you want to end up on the local news after it makes you its bitch. Teresa Barker and her boyfriend Lee Palmer of Portland, Oregon learned this the hard way on Sunday night when their crazed cat Lux held them hostage in their bedroom after Lee kicked that pussy (that’s called pulling a Michael Lohan) for attacking their 7-month-old baby Jesse.
Lee Palmer later told the police and WBTV that he watched Lux come at and scratch Baby Jesse, but he didn’t say why Lux attacked his baby. Is Baby Jesse a genius who can read the minds of cats and knew Lux was planning to overthrow the household? Did Baby Lux have that hussy’s number? Was Lux pissed that he was no longer the star of the house? We’ll never know until Baby Jesse learns how to talk and tells us what really happened in a follow-up to this highly important story in 3 years. We better get a follow up to this highly important story in 3 years.
After Lee watched Lux scratch his baby, he “kicked the cat in the rear.” SHOTS FIRED! That was the beginning of the end for the Palmer-Barker family. Getting kicked in the ass sent Lux over the edge and rage filled that 22lb pussy (“Why do I feel like I’ve written that down in a patient’s file before?” – Lil’ Kim’s gynecologist). Lux was out for human blood, so Lee Palmer, Teresa Barker (based on her last name, she’s obviously a natural born dog lover), Baby Jesse and their little dog barricaded themselves in the bedroom as that mad pussy tried to get in. They called 911 and the call is why I laughed myself awake this morning when I heard it.
The fluent felinese speakers out there can correct me if I’m wrong, but “RAAAAAARRRRRRRR!” translates to “I’m the captain now!” in English, right?
The cops arrived and when they tried to catch Lux, who has a “history of violence,” with a dog snare, that pussy tried to flee custody. They eventually got him and put him behind bars in the family’s home. The family doesn’t know whether or not they’re going to keep Lux.
Oh, they’ll never have to make that decision. It’s only a matter of time before Lux escapes out of his crate, puts on a beret and joins the other cat comrades in the Pussy Takeover Movement. Captain Lux and the other cats who are sick of us humans controlling everything will one day strike and make us all their slaves. We should prepare by buying all of the laser pointers at Staples. It’s going to be a vicious, vicious battle. It’s going to be a little adorable too, but mostly vicious.
Kotex’s new marketing campaign– “So big, even YOUR husband can find it in the store.” – Bruinschick
I don’t know whose that is, but she can probably handle the Hammaconda. – OurMissC
If anybody asked me last night what the highlight of my Monday was, I’d definitely say that it was watching a thrilling, riveting video of an iguana flirting, kissing and trying to eat a golf ball before leaving that golf ball feeling cold, lonely and confused right there on the green. I watched this video of a dance between an iguana and a golf ball at the 2014 Puerto Rico Open four times. The time change has affected me in ways I didn’t think it would ever affect me.
And if you landed on this post after Googling, “Courtney Stodden teabag swallowing balls,” then enjoy, you sick fuck. Because this is a million times hotter than what you were looking for.
via Bleacher Report