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Hot Slut Of The Day!

April 18, 2015 / Posted by:

La Cuatro (as played by Gloria Benavides) from Sábado Gigante!

I didn’t leave my house yesterday, but I’m sure the streets were filled with weeping abuelitas and old tias who were wailing while wearing black lace veils over their heads as they mourned the death of the heart of Univision. Univision dropped forty five hundred gallons of pure sad yesterday when they announced that after 53 years of existing, they are killing the iconic three-hour variety show SAH-BAH-DOE HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-GONE-TAAAAAAAAAAAAAY! Its last episode will air on September 19th. Sábado Gigante made its debut on Chilean television in 1962 and after it took Latin America by hurricane (saying “by storm” feels like an understatement) it moved its production to Miami in 1986 and Univision started producing it. It has played every Saturday night for forever and tens of millions of people in 40 countries watch it. It set a Guinness World Record for the longest-running variety show in history. And soon it will be over.

The Los Angeles Times says that Don Francisco (born name: Mario Luis Kreutzberger Blumenfeld), who created the show and has hosted it since the beginning, made the decision in 2012 to end the show in 2015. His old ass is ready to retire and he wanted to go out when the show was still on top. He plans to still host specials and produce new shows for Univision. As millions of abuelitas prayed in front of their santo candles and wondered if there really is a GOD, Don Francisco released this statement about the death of a legendary show:

“I have no words to thank our viewers for the support, loyalty and enthusiasm with which they have honored us through the years and which have allowed the show to become an unprecedented success in the history of this medium.” ….”From the start we made sure to ask, ‘What does the audience want?!’ And we have worked tirelessly for precisely that audience, with the utmost dedication, humility and deep respect. I have no words to acknowledge all the recognition and applause that we have received over the years. When we began in the United States in 1986, we told them that we were ‘separated by distance and united by the same language.’ Today I can say with great pride and satisfaction that that distance turned into closeness and affection.”

I used to watch this show with my abuelita and I really didn’t know what they were saying, but every time she laughed, I laughed and every time she fell asleep and started snoring (which was usually about 30 minutes into that shit), I took my ass to the other room to watch something else. The character I remember loving the most, besides Dr. Cosabella, was La Cuatro! La Cuatro has hair like a Charo impersonator, a face that was cut from the same gorgeous cloth as Sally Struthers and she always wears the most glamorous of apron dresses, because she’s always ready to serve up some true entertainment. Her thing is to always interrupt Don Francisco during the show to deliver some much-needed TALENT. This is a newer clip, so I haven’t seen it, but it confirms to me that La Cuatro really needs her own headlining show in Vegas. Brit Brit, Mimi, Celine who?

RIP Sábado Gigante. I guess this means that Saturdays will also be no more because how can there be Saturday without Sábado Gigante. After September 19th, our weekends will be one day long and we’ll jump directly from Friday to Sunday. Blame Don Francisco. And long live La Cuatro!

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Birthday Sluts

April 18, 2015 / Posted by:

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Conan O’Brien (52)
Moises Arias (21)
Britt Robertson (26)
Alia Shawkat (26)
Samantha Jade (28)
Rosie Huntington-Whiteley (28)
America Ferrera (31)
Kourtney Kardashian (36)
Bryce Johnson (38)
Melissa Joan Hart (39)
Edgar Wright (41)
Eli Roth (43)
David Tennant (44)
Maria Bello (48)
Eric McCormack (52)
Jeff Dunham (53)
Jane Leeves (54)
Eric Roberts (59)
Melody Thomas Scott (59)
Rick Moranis (62)
Dorothy Lyman (68)
James Woods (68)
Hayley Mills (69)

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Night Crumbs

April 17, 2015 / Posted by:

Matthew McConaughey’s beard has taken a life of its own and it looks like it’s eating his face. The Texas T-Rex (who kind of looks like this wooden Jesus statue my abuelita kept on top of her TV) needs to quickly shave it off before it eats his eyes! He can give me his beard shavings afterward, because you know you’d get a new kind of stoned if you smoked that shit - Lainey Gossip 

Dear Lassie dog in the background, tip that hillbilly chipmunk while you have the chance! Tip her! – Drunken Stepfather

Somebody really needs to start a charity for poor enslaved millionaire Shia LaDoucheCelebitchy

The plot for Kandi’s Ski Trip is very “The Shining” and Mama Joyce is the Jack Nicholson role, of course – Reality Tea 

So Just Jack and his husband did this… – Towleroad

I don’t know what people are talking about. I think Selena Gomez has looked great ever since she lost that 110 pounds of douche she was carrying around – The Superficial 

Olivia Wilde serving up some 60s Midwestern librarian chic – Popoholic

It’s Shirtless Friday again and this time there’s a special fluffy guest (No, I’m not talking about a pube bush. This time.) – The Berry 

Miley Cyrus took her Justin Bieber hair for a hike – Hollywood Tuna 

That hot bitch who was on Nashville and is on Game of Thrones now has an ass and this is what it looks like – OMG Blog

Tidal’s CEO took the next wave out of there – Jezebel

Today in “Sure, Jan, Josh Hartnett says he turned down Superman, Spider-Man and Batman – IDLYITW

In case you need to be reminded that Betty White’s still got it and has got it better than all of us – SOW

The doctors coming for Dr. Oz will be getting an ALL-CAPS, curse-filled text of rage from his number one fan, my mom, as soon as she figures out how to text the doctors coming for Dr. Oz – HuffPo

Are there Hobbits in Game of Thrones? – ICYDK

They say that Kylie Jenner is on the cover of Teen Vogue, but where? Because that’s not Kylie Jenner on the cover – Just Jared 

Borat and Isla Fisher named their kid “Montgomery Moses,” which sounds like an old-timey phrase that people would say instead of “Jesus Christ.” I’ll put it in a sentence: “Montgomery Moses, Ethel, the cows ran off again!” – Popsugar

Pic: Getty

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Things That Exist: A Japanese Game Show That Mixes Handjobs And Karaoke

April 17, 2015 / Posted by:

You know how sometimes you’d go on a first date and you and the dude couldn’t find anywhere to bone, so you’d rent a private room at a karaoke place and give him a sloppy hand job while he sang out “Blister In The Sun”? Well, Japan has made a game show out of that, because Japan!

On the Japanese late-night adult channel game show Sing What Happens, dudes have to sing every note of a song they’ve memorized while a chick in a nurse costume tugs on his peen. The dude can’t miss a lyric and has to hit each note perfectly while Nurse Handjob tries to squeeze an orgasm out of him. If the dude busts one before the song is over, he loses. But if he makes it all the way and sings the song to perfection, he gets money and a bunch of other prizes. Dangerous Minds says that sometimes the nurse uses her feet. (That sound you hear is Quentin Tarantino furiously swimming to Japan right now.)

This makes me think of that other Japanese game show where straight dude porn stars tried not to cum while getting sucked off by a gay guy. (Surprisingly, the name of that show wasn’t A Mouth Is A Mouth or Just A Regular Night At The Scientology Bath House.) Japan truly knows what people want in a game show. We want handjobs and dick sucking. Take note, America! But you know, I bet Ryan Seacrest has taken note and at this very moment his assistant is searching for a nurse uniform in his size while he pitches the American version of Sing What Happens starring him to the networks.

The truth is, the guys in the long ass clip below are amateurs. I mean, Kanye West can rap while jacking himself off and fisting his butt at the same time. He does it every time he performs. Take that, Japan!

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Open Post: Hosted By Zayn Malik’s Shaved Dome

April 17, 2015 / Posted by:

Just a few weeks after thousands of dog ear drums burst and garage door openers exploded from the high-pitched sound of the Directioners wailing over the hot one leaving the group of hollering twinks in skinny jeans that is One Direction, the hot one made his solo red carpet debut (Yes, I punched myself for typing “solo red carpet debut“) with his mom at the 5th Asian Awards in London tonight. Zayn Malik took a page out of Justin Timberlake’s post-boy band playbook by shaving all of the twinks right out of his hair, because pomade-covered big hair equals boy band and a shaved head equals serious solo artist, or something. Zayn’s shaved head is giving me three things:

1. Shaved head Britney with a beard and wild Woolly Bear Caterpillar brows.

2. The title character in Hitman if Hitman was an after-school special on Nickelodeon.

3. The look that every stoner works the day after their job announces mandatory drug testing.

If you’re in the London area and see a bunch of deranged chicks checking the dumpsters around every barber shop, don’t worry. They’re just looking for Zayn’s shaved-off locks. They want to make a crotch wig or mold a hairy dildo out of his locks. That’s all!

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

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Watching The Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills Reunion Drove Kim Richards Over The Edge

April 17, 2015 / Posted by:

Seen above next to a melting Jocelyn Wildenstein action figure, Kim Richards of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills was charged with all sorts of shit yesterday morning after she went to Mean Drunk Town at the Beverly Hills Hotel and allegedly kicked a cop at the police station. (There are many times when it’s good to be a rich-ish white woman and the moment after you kick a cop is one of those times.) Kim was only given a citation and released back into the wild. Kim hasn’t said anything about her arrest, but a source (aka Kingsley using a pay phone at the dog training place) tells TMZ that watching the RHoBH reunion really messed her up.

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The Difficult Brown Really Is Somebody’s Father

April 17, 2015 / Posted by:

When the world found out that Chris Brown actually procreated, some people didn’t really believe it and refused to believe it until Child Protective Services announced their plans to build an office right next to his house. But it’s really true and Chris Brown confirmed that he’s a father to a 10-month-old girl by posting a picture of them together on Instagram. The Difficult Brown made the tiny human with Instagram model Nia Guzman and she named their daughter Royalty. Inside sources (“inside” as in “inside of my head“) tell me that Nia named their daughter after Royalty Check Cashing on Van Nuys Blvd., the place where she’ll cash her child support checks from Fist Brown every month.

Along with the picture, Chris Brown added a note where he said that his adorable daughter is the “twin” who “God blessed” him with. It’s obvious that Chris Brown has vision problems (see: the pictures below of his hair looking like a My Little Pony scooted all over it after taking a wet shit), but I didn’t know his vision problems were that bad!

Some parents say that having kids really changed their lives and made them a different person. Usually, what they mean by that is, raising a baby turned them into a frazzled zombie and they have to end each night by silently screaming in the bathroom in between taking giant gulps from a bottle of $4 wine. But sometimes they mean that having kids made them more responsible, more mature and less selfish. Whenever a parent tells me that, I tell them that they’re doing the opposite of selling me on parenthood, because I don’t want to stop being irresponsible, immature and selfish.

What I’m trying to say is that maybe fatherhood will change The Difficult Brown’s violent piece of asshole douche trash ways (HAHAHAHA!). If that happens, then Baby Royalty is a miracle-working wizard and she needs to continue to work her magic on Justin Bieber, Lindsay Lohan, Charlie Sheen, etc… etc….

Pics: Instagram, Splash

ICYMI: The Bootleg Trailer For Batman V Superman

April 17, 2015 / Posted by:

The trailer for Zack Snyder’s Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice was supposed to make its debut to the public in select IMAX theaters on Monday. No, it’s not going to play in front of another movie. The trailer is going to play by itself in a special screening and fans have to RSVP to guarantee their asses a seat. I was going to throw a side-eye at the hos RSVPing for a damn trailer, but I am not the one to judge. If a proper Showgirls sequel was made and the teaser trailer for the teaser trailer for the teaser trailer for the teaser trailer was released only in theaters, I’d be typing out this post while waiting in line. But anyway, someone decided to screw with Warner Bros. yesterday by leaking a blurry, bootleg Portuguese version of the trailer. I’m sure most nerds were attached to an IV drip full of Gatorade last night from orgasming until they came dust while watching the trailer for the new Star Whores movie, so I’m not sure if any of them even bothered to touch themselves over their pants while watching the Batman V Superman trailer.

The trailer is about as light as a Catholic funeral and while our ears are hit with a bunch of pretentious voice overs, our eyes are hit with men staring at things. There’s a whole lot of staring going on. There’s Superman staring at stuff and Batman doing a spot-on impersonation of an Easter Island figure while staring at stuff. I have a feeling that the movie’s most riveting scene will be a staring contest between Batman and Superman. The trailer ends with Batman getting into some kinky, Fifty Shades of Rubber talk by saying, “Do you bleed? You will.

UPDATE: The blurry, pirated one that was filmed on a potato was snatched away, but Warner Bros. released the trailer in HD.

And I really hope the second trailer gives us a long glimpse of this pivotal scene:

batmanvssuperman04172

What’s the point of making a Batman V Superman movie if you’re not going to include the only superhero moment that any of us (read: me, just me) care about!

Pic: i09, Video: Vulture

Christmas In April: WikiLeaks Released All Of The Leaked Sony Emails In A Searchable Database

April 17, 2015 / Posted by:

WikiLeaks gathered us all around the Christmas tree yesterday and gave us the gift of thousands of emails from the Sony Hack that the government says North Korea was behind. WikiLeaks said they dropped all of the emails in a database on their site for the public to see, because the original archives were not searchable and so reporters were barely able to scratch the surface. Julian Assange said that this shit is extremely newsworthy and should be in the public domain. So they put all of the emails in a searchable database. It’s like Google’s gossiping auntie. WikiLeaks didn’t just spill the tea, they tipped over an entire Celestial Seasonings factory. Sony, of course, is spitting on WikiLeaks for bringing their private emails out in the open.

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