This is Johnny Depp as The Wolf in Into The Woods. I’m guessing that in this version, Little Red Riding Hood never makes it to grandma’s house, because she laughs herself into a coma from seeing The Wolf looking like a cross between Snoop Dogg as Huggy Bear and Riff-Raff from Heathcliff - i09
Here’s a hooded Bendadick Cumsinbatches and sadly that link doesn’t lead to pictures of his uncut peen – Lainey Gossip
Kate Gosselin is having a yard sale, so if you’re in the market for a kid or Jon Gosselin’s nutsack, you know where to go – Reality Tea
Selena Gomez has jumped off the douche peen and is back on the elf peen (maybe) – Celebitchy
A bald James Franco, Megan Fox, fake blood and a white boa are in the same picture together and I don’t know what’s going on but I’m sure HIGH ART is being made – Drunken Stepfather
Beyonce and Jay-Z renewed their vows, which means they’ll be divorced in 6 months – Time
Shia LaDouche says something about Christianity and I need to find God myself, because I’m actually starting to get the tingles over his shirtless pictures – The Superficial
Try not to fall over with shock, but a Catholic school is not letting a lesbian drama starring Julianne Mooore and Ellen Page shoot on their campus – Towleroad
Somebody kindly tell Kelly Brook that Brit Brit owns the fug boots game in L.A. – Hollywood Tuna
The Porn Iguana gets naked and gives you a picture straight out of a MILF’s casual encounters Craigslist ad – WWTDD
And I’m pretty sure the Florida Mom action figure has more meth-related accessories than the Walter White action figure – Pajiba
Joan Rivers was rich. QVC money is no joke – Gawker
Vanessa Hudgens knows Coachella is still months away, right? – Popoholic
Pimp Mama Kris wants all the rich dudes out there to know that Kylie Jenner is still up for sale – ICYDK
Chris Evans and Minka Kelly are probably doing it again – Popsugar
John Mayer and Bob Saget are probably doing it too – Just Jared
I think I spot a poopy floating in those bubbles – SOW
Ke$ha wants to go to there – The Berry
We’ve all been there. We’ve all ended up in a booth at KFC after our bastard live-in piece dumped us. We’ve all tried to drown our feelings with chicken wings, french fries and that gross tub of lawnmower barf they try to pass as coleslaw. We’ve all woken up in a puddle of our drool and biscuit crumbs on a KFC table and have watched the sun set 7 times as our salty tears fall into a Styrofoam tub full of mashed potatoes. We’ve all kept the bathroom door shut with one foot as we wash the 3-day stank out of our chonies in the sink. It has happened to all of us and it happened to 26-year-old Tan Shen of Chengdu in China.
At Elle’s Women In Hollywood Awards (aka The Second Unveiling Of Renee Zellweger’s New Mug ) in L.A. on Monday night, Tina Fey was given an award and during her acceptance speech, she praised the late great Jan Hooks while dropping a glorious deuce on Deuce Bigelow. Here’s a piece of Tina’s speech via Vanity Fair:
“She was another woman who meant so much to me. When we were doing 30 Rock and we needed to cast Jane Krakowski’s estranged Florida dirtbag mother and I thought, ‘My God, do you think we could get Jan Hooks? And the answer was like, ‘Yeah, you can get her.’ She was living in Woodstock. And the phone was not ringing.
She was actually a little shy about jumping back into the game. And she came down and she was so funny. We did a scene where Jenna and her mother are reunited [and they] sing their duet that they used to sing in pageants when Jenna was a child. And it was a mother and a daughter singing to each other, ‘Do that to me one more time . . . ’ And it was so funny and the crew was so mesmerized. It was all at once the most ridiculous and heartbreaking and beautiful [and] weird mother-daughter relationship. And I’m so proud of it.
It made me sad when she passed, and it made me mad at the time how available she was. Jan should have had a bigger career. Jan deserved a big movie career. Certainly as big as Rob Schneider’s fucking career. She was a bigger star on S.N.L.”
You know who’s not laughing at that quick burn to Rob Schneider’s asshole? Tina’s accountant and manager. Tina really stepped it in barefoot this time, because now she’ll never get a call for the lady lead in The Animal 2.
And on a soundstage up in heaven, Jan Hooks is taking a break from shooting a big-budget Candy Sweeney movie and is thinking to herself, “So THAT’S what I should’ve done. I should’ve been Adam Sandler’s best friend.”
So that’s where Renee Zellweger’s signature squint went.
As her on-and-off again husband Kieran Somethingrather and her kids, Junior, Jett, Bunny and Princess Tiaandtameramowry (Harvey is too good for this shit) stood on the sidelines, Katie Price, the reincarnation of Jane Austen once again injected illegal amounts of extravaganza and glamour into London during a photocall for “May Your Wish Come True,” the 10th novel she didn’t write.
The last bit of shame and dignity I had went away a long time ago when I hooked up with a dude I met on Gay.com (that should tell it was ancient times) who told me that he wasn’t really attracted to me but he’ll do me anyway since he was horny, so I will openly and proudly admit that I’ve read many novels written by Katie Price’s ghostwriter. I’ve read them, because I consider myself a literary connoisseur who fully appreciates when my brain is stimulated by stories from the greats. But besides scholars, Ivy League literature majors and readers of complex fiction like myself, who in the hell is buying her books? You know, I shouldn’t question it. I should appreciate it. Because every time Katie Price queefs up another soft-core literary masterpiece, she launches it with one of those glamorous and hilarious (glamarious?) photocalls.
Everything about her look at today’s photocall was potent perfection from the Shauna Sand special on her hooves to the way her huge fake tits looked like two aggressive melons butting each other to that ensemble which looks straight out of a holiday-themed Frederick’s of Hollywood fashion show held in the parking lot of a strip mall outside of Las Vegas.
That look is a mix of “slutty Liberace” and “Snow Queen porn parody on Brazzers.“In other words, it’s perfect.
Every now and again the phrase “THE FUCK?” has to redefine itself and show you that it still has it. Case in point: Radar says that Michelle Clunie (that’s Melanie Marcus to those of us hos who religiously watched the US version of Queer as Folk) has come down with a case of the BABIES!!! and Bryan Singer is the dude who fapped into the turkey baster that knocked her up.
Radar’s source is saying that Michelle will birth out Bryan’s baby in December and that he’s paying her $1 million to be his surrogate. But TMZ has a different story. Their source (aka Bryan’s damage control specialist) says that Bryan isn’t raising the baby by himself. It’s a Clay Aiken situation (or kind of a Lindsay and Brian situation if you watched QaF). Michelle and Bryan have been best friends forever and decided they wanted to have and a raise a human child together. The source says they made the decision before Bryan Singer was hit with sexual assault allegation after sexual assault allegation. The source also denies that Bryan filled Michelle’s checking account with $1 million, but he did buy her a house near his home in West Hollywood and he’s paying for all of her living expenses. So when you add up the living expenses and the West Hollywood house, Michelle is probably making more than $1 million. #getmoneyiguessbitch
The source also let it be known that Michelle’s name will be on the birth certificate and the kid will live with her. Bryan is also free of sexual assault lawsuits, for now, because Michael Eagan dropped his lawsuit in August, but he may file again.
I always knew Bryan Singer was the “daddy” type, but not the actual daddy type. Isn’t a drooling, crying, burping baby going to mess with his twinks and coke pool party schedule? I don’t know if he’s doing this to look more family friendly for the X-Men crowd, but throw in Melanie Marcus and the whole thing becomes a thick layer of HUH? I just want to slip into a counter seat at Liberty Diner, order a root beer float and ask Debbie what she thinks about this.
Lindsay Lohan dropped her
2 cents two 8 balls into the presidential race in Brazil and if you’re wondering why an American mess who is now living in England suddenly cares about Brazilian politics, the answer is: cooooooooooke!
Out of nowhere, presidential candidate Aécio Neves got a bump of support from the First Lady of Train Wrecks when she tweeted (and later deleted) her official endorsement for him. Even though LiLo chopped up that tweet and snorted it up, it still turned into a full-on meme in Brazil. Aécio Neves loves to party and Buzzfeed says it’s rumored that coke has made its way up into his nostrils a few (or more than a few) times. He was also involved a coke ESCANDALO (Side note: Google Translate tell me escandalo is escandalo in Portuguese) when the federal police found 4.5 pounds of cocaine on a helicopter that was owned by his company and belonged to one of his political allies. So LiLo publicly supporting him is what meme dreams are made of.
A “source” close to LiLo tells TMZ that she’s showing support for Neves, because she takes several “business trips” to Brazil and one of her “good contacts” in the country thinks he should win over his opponent Dilma Rousseff.
Okay, but who is Glen Coco endorsing since I’m sure that’s the only endorsement the people of Brazil care about.
LiLo suddenly showing an interest in Brazilian politics when an ALLEGED fellow member of the White (As In Coke) Party runs for president is too perfect. Either she’s all out of clues or she’s secretly working for Dilma Rousseff and knows that an endorsement from her will kill Neves’ campaign. If that’s the case, well played, Team Rousseff.
The Internet shat up approximately three million posts and a thousand think pieces yesterday when pictures of Renee Zellweger’s de-squinted next generation face, which she’s had for about a year, made the rounds. Renee Zellweger became Richard Gere in Sommersby and everyone became Jodie Foster. They looked at her, squinted the way she used to squint and calmly said, “Who is this woman in my kitchen? You are not my Renee Zellweger.” Then we all checked to see if (insert the name of the famous white woman you think Renee resembles) looks like Chase The No Face Cat now since Renee probably ripped her face off and sewed it onto her head.
Because Renee’s squint-free mug took over the Internet yesterday, she spit up a few words about her current look to People. Renee said that you can cancel the search party for the real Renee Zellweger, because she’s still Renee Zellweger. She’s just a happier, healthier and more fulfilled Renee Zellweger. The former Squinty Zellweger thinks all the talk about her current face situation is “silly.”
Well, it looks like Robin Thicke has shed his skin again…. – nat
Renee Zellweger decided to make a new boyfriend out of her old eyelid skin. – Shadeball
Momotaro, the pussy in Japan who can walk backwards!
In this 7 second long highly enlightening video, Momotaro stands up on his hind legs and walks backwards after his human says something to him. Momotaro can walk backwards AND he obviously knows the importance of an A+++ eyebrow situation (he should be Renee Zellweger’s private eyebrow game tutor)? What has your pussy done today? Hell, what have I done today, because walking backwards is an accomplishment I wish I could achieve. Feast your eyes on this natural marvel:
See, some cats truly do care about humans. Momotaro knows that humans can never have too many “up on outta this post” GIFS to use in comment threads. Thank you, Momotaro!