Elon Musk has been going through it. He was charged with securities fraud and had to step down as chairman of his Tesla, also broke up with his girlfriend, and remember he called that cave rescuer a pedo? Oh yeah, and stock prices for Tesla plummeted when he smoked weed with uber bro, Joe Rogan. All in all, he’s giving a pretty good showing if he’s trying to show us how badly he can fuck up. And the bad news keeps coming, as it’s now being reported Tesla investors are going after Elon for his “funding secured” tweet and they are looking to Grimes and Azealia Banks for all the hot tea.
So it’s been a minute since this was in the headlines, but you’ll probably remember the familiar sensation of your skin crawling as you read this and it’ll all come back to you.
Voice-over god, who once actually played God, Morgan Freeman, was surrounded by rumors that he was going to marry his step-grand daughter E’Dena Hines back in 2009, whom he had raised with his first wife since childhood. That (thankfully) never happened, but something awful did happen in 2015. E’Dena was found stabbed to death on the streets of NYC with her ex standing over her body, screaming incoherently. In case that wasn’t enough to make your skin ask for a ticket on the first plane off your body, we have an update: E’Dena’s killer has been sentenced. And the hearing brought out close friends: Ick and Drama.
Looks like noted pedo catcher Chris Hansen is having a little case of The Shoe Being On The Other Foot, but thankfully it’s like halfway on because yes: Chris was arrested. But! It had nothing to do with underage children. Phewf! Instead it was just a classic case of Rich Guy No Longer Has As Much Money As He Used To. Pour one out for Chris Hansen’s bank account.
Cardi B Went Off About The Government Shutdown, And Even Some Senators Wondered If They Should Re-Tweet
Our Stripper Queen of the Bronx, Cardi B, is in the news again, but thankfully it has nothing to do with that PR breakup from last month. Did her and Offset get back together? Who cares, Cardi isn’t talking about that right now: she’s getting serious and is here to give you the realest political commentary so far in 2019, okurrrrr?
Amber Rose now makes her money through the almighty money-earning “appearances” and selling shit tea on Instagram, but BK (before Kanye) she stripped to make ends meet–which we already knew about–and now we are learning that she could have been the star in her very own real-life, stripper-themed Breaking Bad. Because Amber revealed that she once tried selling crack, and she doesn’t mean ass crack this time. She means crack crack.
Just last week Diva Queen of Glitter Butterflies and Sugar Plum Unicorns, Mariah Carey, put to bed a lawsuit with her former manager Stella Bulochnikov. Looks like Mariah missed the festive rush of legal battles because she is back in one again, but this time around she’s the one doing the suing.