What a fascinating time we live in. It’s not quite the Age of Enlightenment or the Neoclassical Period, but who else but those of us living and breathing today have been lucky enough to live through the great debates of the blue versus gold dress, Yanny or Laurel and Beach or Door? Our great-grandkids will be looking down from their oxygen pods while harvesting cloud water relishing this philosophical period that we are just taking for granted. But don’t worry, because it’s not too late to be a part of the latest humanitarian debate threatening to
trump eclipse all others. You might be spitting out a “DUH” to this question, but the results have got people emotionally involved, so take a moment to ponder… do you wash your legs in the shower?
Just in time for summer is the only craft ale that matters and the last one that should ever be made (can’t we just survive on Hamms and PBR tallboys and call the craft beer thing done already?). A brewery has been selling unauthorized Guns N’ Rosé ale and Axl Rose, Slash and the rest of Guns N’ Roses are not happy about it. The band is pissed, but this is a good thing, because finally rosé has that edge its soft reputation so desperately needed and GNR has the opportunity to soften their tarnished image as well. This could be a very symbiotic whale and barnacle situation, but GNR won’t let it be great and has filed a lawsuit against the brewery. I’m calling it now: Guns N’ Rosé is the BYOB of summer but you better get your hands on it fast before GNR has it pulled from shelves and the band dog piles on top of it (with Axl on the top so you can’t get a slippery grip on any cans).
When the Marie Kondo “get rid of all your shit” revolution happened I didn’t understand why us “specialty collectors” (ok, hoarders) had been commanded to clear space in our houses with such a manic sense of urgency. At the time, the KonMari method felt a bit drastic, but now it all makes sense! Dolly Parton has just signed a deal for a complete lifestyle brand. Hole-E-Shit. Now I know why I was commanded to make room in my closets and cupboards- I needed space to fill up with everything and anything Dolly. Thank you, Marie Kondo! Continue reading
Prophet Justin Bieber Says We Will All Regret Not Celebrating Chris Brown’s Genius While He’s Still Alive
Street prophet Justin Bieber cinched up his big boy pants (the full length ones!), pulled on his best socks and slides combo and stood on his corner soapbox to warn us citizens of humanity that we’re going to be really, really, super sorry for not supporting the unmistakeable talent and superstardom of his most bestest friend in the whole wide world while we had the chance! No, you have not been transported back to the year AD 20 when Jesus was walking among us making miracles happen. Sadly you are still stuck in AD 2019 and Justin is talking about none other than Chris Brown. Yes, that Chris Brown. The Biebs thinks that Chris is the #1 singer in the world and therefore we should overlook the “little” acts of his assholery and abuses towards women or we’ll all be sorry when he’s dead, just like we were over the premature deaths of Michael Jackson and Tupac Shakur. You hear that? We’ll all be sorry!
Johnny Galecki must’ve been stressing over what to do with his free time once The Big Bang Theory comes to a close at the end of this season. Besides dodging calls from Sara Gilbert to come on to The Conners full-time, he probably pondered taking up golf, collecting luxury cars or traveling the world, but went with option D: becoming a first time father at the age of 43. And who is the lucky lady incubating the little Galecki? (Note: Little Galecki sounds like what a Polish grandmother would call a cute child while pinching the shit out of its plump cheeks.) That would be Alaina Meyer, Johnny’s 21-year-old girlfriend of over a year. Continue reading
Washington state is inches away from passing a bill that will end clock changes and make it Pacific Daylight Time year-round. Sloth-like humans are saying HELL YES to the change, with only a few sadists in the state House voting to continue the evil tradition of rising in pitch blackness in the bowels of winter with a Vote of 89 to 7. Regardless of this potential bucking of the system and upset of the status quo, the world is still spinning, the birds are still chirping, and Chris Brown is still being an asshole. In other words, nothing has changed. There’s a new tale of Chris Brown assholery today, this time against the Scottish band Chvrches, who publicly stated their disappointment in DJ/Producer Marshmello for working with Chris and Tyga on an upcoming project.