John Schneider Chooses Jail Time Over Paying Alimony

July 21, 2018 / Posted by:

The largest divide of the 21th Century was arguably when teenagers and horny middle aged moms alike were forced to choose between “Team Jacob” and “Team Edward.” Twilight may have destroyed friendships and ripped families apart, but 20th century historians are highlighting an even more influential rift from the early 1980’s, and that is “Team Bo” versus “Team Luke.

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Anthony Anderson Is Under Criminal Investigation For Assault

July 21, 2018 / Posted by:

Black-ish star Anthony Anderson is being investigated by the LAPD Hollywood division for assault. I wish I could report that his only crime was assaulting our eyes with the adult onesie above, but unfortunately it’s for something far more sinister. The Blast says that the charges filed last week were by a woman who formerly worked with Anthony. Grab the closest kitten and start petting away, because it looks like we have the latest installment of fuckery to be logged into the #MeToo tome.  Continue reading


Kat Von D Shared Her Goth Extravaganza Wedding Video On Friday The 13th

July 15, 2018 / Posted by:

It’s time to dose yourself in baby powder and shimmy into your black rubber pants, because Kat Von D has just dropped the goth spectacular wedding video that no one knew they asked for. Kat and Rafael Reyes (AKA Leafar Seyer because it’s beyond edgy to spell your name backwards) already chained themselves together for eternity back in February, but there wasn’t enough angst and darkness in their first wedding, so they decided to have a do over in June. Hold onto your crucifixes, because here come the wedding details and they’re just as you’d expect. Continue reading


Kate Upton Is Pregnant

July 14, 2018 / Posted by:

Kate Upton‘s magnificent chichis are about to become even more magnificent, because she’s pregnant with her first child. The Sports Illustrated Swimsuit model and person I always confuse for that hot messy mess Estella Warren, has confirmed via Instagram that she is indeed knocked up.

#PregnantinMiami @justinverlander ?❤️

A post shared by Kate Upton (@kateupton) on

Kate’s husband of eight months, Houston Astro pitcher Justin Verlander will be the chosen man hitting a Jack In The Box at 3AM for disgusting Monster Tacos cravings, which will serve as a good test run for future 3AM zombie crawls down their mansion’s hallways to change the baby’s diaper and beg, cry and plead for it to go back to sleep.

E! News offers this opposite of juicy tidbit on said timing of the future chichi sucker’s arrival:

Upton and Verlander got married got married in Italy last November, days after his team won the 2017 MLB World Series.

Upton may have hinted at her pregnancy back in April, when she posted on Instagram a shadowy photo of herself posing in the desert on a trip to Israel, writing, “You’ll find out soon enough.”

I’m no mathematician, but my finger counting puts the little cry machine here around the end of this year. Kate and Jason strike me as one shade of bland beyond boring of a couple, so unless Kate decides to call out any more skeezy old men for being perverts, we sadly probably can’t expect much more salacious news until junior arrives. Until then, I’m sure everyone will be on Titty Watch 2018.



Ariana Grande Got Another Pete Davidson Tattoo

July 14, 2018 / Posted by:

Page Six reports that Ariana Grande has been spotted with her sixth and newest Pete Davisdon tattoo since the couple hooked up two months and began their nauseating TMI and tattoo crime spree. How do we know that Ariana’s new tattoo is a direct homage to her fiancee? It’s his 10 inch dick curling around her face. No, but it is his second most defining characteristic, and that’s the word “Pete” on her marrying finger. Continue reading

Justin Bieber And Hailey Baldwin Are Engaged

July 8, 2018 / Posted by:

If your Sunday ritual of eating oatmeal and reading the newspaper while listening to “A Prairie Home Companion” was rudely interrupted by the Emergency Broadcast System this morning, here’s why. TMZ had to cut in to give the world the breaking news that Justin Bieber has become engaged to Hailey Baldwin! Somebody check on Selena Gomez, because she either pulled a back muscle from dodging that bullet, or she’s working on a plan to upstage Justin’s engagement by getting her friend Justin Theroux to drop to a knee and put a ring on that finger in front of the paps.  Continue reading

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