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Here’s Your New Monopoly Tokens

March 18, 2017 / Posted by:

Hasbro has been slowly ixnay-ing some of the classic Monopoly game pieces, because they haven’t been relevant since Monopoly debuted back in the 1930s. They recently asked the general public to vote on new pieces to introduce to the game. The votes are in, some pieces are out, and it would seem that people love representations of living creatures.

So, the Thimble is out, the Boot got booted, and the Wheelbarrow has been retired to the gardening shed. Now you can welcome the Rubber Ducky, the Penguin, and the T-Rex (no one voted for the Fleshjack?).

A whole SLEW of people cared enough to vote on this – 4.3 million people from over 146 countries, according to Vulture. Could board games be what finally brings us together again as a planet? If so, could Mrs. White (from the game Clue) having done it in the conservatory with the lead pipe bring peace to the Middle East, inspire Russia to stop hacking us, and deter the US government from falsely accusing hapless British people of wiretapping our insane president? Who knew?

If you’re not into the duck, the penguin or Matthew McConaughey, know that it could have been a lot worse.

If you think these new tokens are bad, at least the winners weren’t a winking emoji, a hashtag, or a clunky ’80s-style cellphone.

The Fleshjack wasn’t the only loser (in my mind) of the Great Monopoly Token Switch of 2017. A botox needle, a manbun, an enraged Uber driver, and a giant wall across the Mexican border were also considered and rejected (again, in my mind).

As long as they keep the racecar, I’m fine. I can recall childhood Monopoly games where bitches got slapped over the car. I think my little brother still has the handprint on his mug for daring to ask.

Pic: Hasbro

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Kris Jenner Is Ready To Break Blac Chyna

March 18, 2017 / Posted by:

Kris Jenner, the Shonda Rhimes of reality television (she’s a master when it comes to plotting), is prepping for a battle with Blac Chyna.

Since Chyna and Rob Kardashian aren’t together, it was time to cue the requisite custody battle for their daughter, Dream. Chyna, one of the more prominent visitors from “the world of the pole” (thanks again, Wendy Williams), reportedly doesn’t want dual custody with the E! channel’s version of Eeyore. Speaking of Disney, People says that the prototype for every single one of their villainesses is ready to help her frumpy son get what’s his.

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Hans Zimmer Quit Scoring Batman Movies Because He Wasn’t Feeling Ben Affleck

March 18, 2017 / Posted by:

What a coincidence! Jennifer Garner also quit enduring having to hire 400 pound nannies with leprosy because she wasn’t feeling Ben Affleck! (Or did she?)

Superstar film composer Hans Zimmer is fucking done professionally scoring Batman movies. He was so enamored of Christian Bale’s laughably growly take on Batman that Ben Affleck’s interpretation (that would seemingly be “florid and premenstrual“) left him feeling hollow inside.

FYI, Hans. Ben Affleck’s version of Batman has left a lot of people feeling hollow inside. Such as comic book geeks, the citizens of Gotham City, any poor bastard actor they’ve approached to play the inevitable role of Robin, etc. The list goes on.

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In Sad News, Josh Duggar Knocked Up His Wife With Baby #5

March 18, 2017 / Posted by:

Incestuous wonder (it’s a wonder why his ass isn’t in jail) Josh Duggar and his wife Anna have revealed via The Duggar Family blog post that they’re expecting their fifth child. Ok, we’re going to need Team Pussy Grabs Back to stage some sort of feminist commando raid on the Duggar House of Horrors and snatch Anna’s ass out of there, because this ain’t right.

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Open Post: Hosted By Chris Hemsworth Working Out Sans Shirt

March 12, 2017 / Posted by:

Yesterday, I posted about Charlie Hunnam and his “considerably high-ranking on the heat index” hotness. Well, apparently I am easily horned up (“no shit, huh?” – Dlisted readers).

Thor (aka Chris Hemsworth) put the following little snippet of sexy on Instagram. Sons of Anarchy rolling asscheeks who? Thor is working out. Thor is working out shirtless. Thor is wiggling ropes in front of himself in a suggestive manner. THOR IS WEARING A DAMN HARNESS AND BACKING HIS ASS UP. I see you, Thor. I know this is supposedly you throwing your trainer an Instagram advertorial bone. But I know the actual bone you’re selling AND I AM BUYING.

The other Mr. Harvey, being a fellow horny trampasaurus, is usually fairly chill about me lusting over other dudes. I think it was the drool collecting on the laptop that earned me the side-eye, and what I think was a later Internet search for what legally separating entails.

Check out Chris Hemsworth working it out below.

Pic: Instagram

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JLo And A-Rod Took It To The Bahamas

March 12, 2017 / Posted by:

There’s a reason why Drake seems to be cuddling up to ex Nicki Minaj’s gigantic buttock implants lately via Instagram and diss track cameos. As speculated earlier last week, Jennifer Lopez has put the brakes on Wheelchair Jimmy and moved over to the man that’s had just about every proud celebrity slut in the game in his bed – A-Rod!

Page Six reports that JLo and her Rod were snapped getting up in each other’s personal space in the Bahamas on Friday night.

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