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Open Post: Hosted By Madonna Forgetting The Lyrics To Her Own Song

August 17, 2017 / Posted by:

Madonna turned 59 yesterday and she celebrated by posting a feisty video of herself and her wobbly boobies singing “B-Day Song” off her MDNA album. She forgot the lyrics, though. There is an opportunity here to make some sort of ageist joke about how she’s approaching senior citizenhood, so it makes sense that she’s forgetting lyrics now. But I won’t make it, goddamnit! I’m going to be 59 someday. So are you! Birthdays are stupid and Madge proves that we can keep rockin’ forever. As long as we have the correct Instagram filters because her face is as smooth as porcelain. It actually might be porcelain. She’s a billionaire, she can afford all the latest. Like that Willy Wonka as a My Little Pony jockey outfit she’s wearing.

And she doesn’t have to worry about people giving her the business for forgetting the lyrics to that song. Because I’m pretty sure people don’t remember that song or that that MDNA record.

Pic: Instagram

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Casey Affleck Says Ben Affleck Won’t Be Playing Batman In A Solo Flick

August 17, 2017 / Posted by:

Problematic Oscar-winner Casey Affleck claims that his big brother, Maine liquor store connoisseur Ben Affleck, will not be playing a probably hungover-looking Batman in a planned DC Comics Universe solo movie. He said this during a radio appearance yesterday, here in Affleck Land – Boston! I’m not sure why Casey didn’t let me know he was in town. He IS my enemy of old and we’re due for a rematch. I’ll explain in the last paragraph. Continue reading

Christina El Moussa From “Flip Or Flop” Officially Filed For Divorce

August 16, 2017 / Posted by:

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Hopefully, she also filed for a restraining order or moved somewhere with little to no running paths nearby, because her ex likes to go for angry jogs while armed.

US Weekly reports that reality television homewrecker (I’m referencing the show) Christina El Moussa has filed for divorce from her husband and Flip or Flop co-host, Tarek El Moussa. This move comes several months after HE filed his own documents. And Christina wants some money, honey.

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Another Woman Has Come Forward Claiming Roman Polanski Sexually Assaulted Her As A Minor

August 16, 2017 / Posted by:

Roman Polanski, 83, is being accused of sexually assaulting a minor for the THIRD time. A woman, who is only being identified as “Robin,” appeared at a Gloria Allred-hosted press conference in L.A. yesterday. (Honestly, how does Gloria juggle her caseload? Does she just show up for the first press conference, and then the one on the courthouse steps after the trial is over? Are there Gloria Allred doppelgangers?) Continue reading

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Open Post: Hosted By Taco Bell’s Naked Egg Taco

August 15, 2017 / Posted by:

Things don’t bode well for your food grosstrosity if even the title makes you want to boot into the nearest trash can. Taco Bell is known as the purveyor of such fine and healthful dishes as the Firecracker Burrito, Naked Chicken Chips (what’s with this naked theme – it’s icky), and the Fried Chicken Chalupa. And they continue to turn the fast food world on its ear and put your toilet on suicide watch with their latest offering! They’ve just introduced the Naked Egg Taco. It’s a taco with a fried egg as the shell. Mashable has the rundown on this latest edible(?) WTF.

“Created with a masterful shell made entirely of a fried egg, the Naked Egg Taco flips the breakfast classic inside out. The reimagined breakfast taco delivers a mouthful of crispy potatoes, bacon or sausage, and cheese tucked in a fried egg.”

Taco Bell began serving breakfast in 2014, and this is the latest addition to their morning assault on your bowels menu. It just looks… unseemly. And greasy. Fried eggs are greasy, right? And what is making the fried egg stay firm enough to hold a load (pun intended) of sausage, potatoes, and cheese? What did they shellac that egg with so it would serve this unholy duty?!?

Let’s put it this way. The other Mr. Harvey is a bear-type who would eat balsa wood if it was breaded, Buffalo-sauced, and came with ranch. And even he was like “that’s too weird-looking to eat.” No to the Naked Egg Taco.

Pic: Twitter

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Jennifer Lawrence Is Helping Out With Asshole Identification

August 15, 2017 / Posted by:

This past weekend’s events in Charlottesville, VA left anyone equipped with a soul and a brain outraged and saddened. One way people are helping fight these bullshit alt-right and white supremacist dicks is to publicly identify them. Twitter user YesYoureRacist has been posting pics from the bigoted “Unite The Right” march and rally and identifying the creepshow, Party City-shopping participants. (One is from my home state of Massachusetts. How proud we are! *glare* Celebrities are helping out as well. This would include Ms. Jennifer Lawrence.

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