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Open Post: Hosted By A Dad Carrying His Stubborn Child Like A Duffel Bag

November 18, 2018 / Posted by:

I’m not a parent but I am a pretty hands-on uncle. (That might have come out wrong.) So I’ve witnessed many, many Trump-like tantrums and stone cold “I ain’t movin'” protests from toddlers on up. They’re the worst but the worstest is when a kid just goes limp and lifeless onto the ground and refuses to get up. That particular move is the devil. My mother once needed strangers to help her pick her grandchild up off the floor of Target due to a Paw Patrol action figure incident and my nephew somehow increasing the earth’s gravitational pull. That’s why, in this video, the dad is a child-rearing genius. He just picks the kid up like a duffel bag!

Two-year-old Juliette decided she’d had enough of physical exertion for the day and laid down in the driveway, refusing to budge. That didn’t faze Juliette’s dad. Our new Dr. Spock just used her coat as a handle and carted her on in like the rest of the shopping. Juliette didn’t seem fazed either. One gets the impression that Juliette might be carried around like that a lot. Fight the power, Juliette.

Pic: YouTube

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Gwyneth Paltrow Called Out Justin Bieber And Hailey Baldwin For TMI

November 18, 2018 / Posted by:

Sales of potentially dangerous jade genital eggs on GOOP must be at an all-time low, because Gwyneth Paltrow is commenting on Justin Bieber and Hailey Baldwin’s social media behavior. That’s one way to get some press and maybe stir up sales of overpriced elitist crap. But she’s barking up the wrong social media account. The kids that follow these two can’t afford to spend $795 on a sweater! According to tooFab, Goopy is in agreement with many of us who feel that Terror Toddler and his wife are sharing too much on social media. It’s just that it’s Gwyneth and, speaking of oversharing, didn’t she share her tips for steam-pressing your vagina? Next!

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Dear Bill Maher, You’re An Asshole. Love, Adults Who Read Comic Books.

November 18, 2018 / Posted by:

Oh, that Bill Maher. He’s gone and done it now. The man who didn’t understand that using the n-word in jest was super-problematic wrote a blog post pissing on comic book fans for overly mourning the passing of Marvel Comics icon Stan Lee. He also insinuated that adults who read comic books are maturity-challenged losers who refuse to grow up. Well, that mouthy bastard has gone and pissed off geeks. That’s one segment of the population that you don’t want on your ass. The evil ones among us chase celebrities off of social media, topple movies by messing with their Rotten Tomatoes score, and will come to your house to protest while cosplaying Zatanna from Justice League. Your quaint little talking heads whinefest will be a smoking hole in the ground, hunty. Now, if you’ll pardon me, I need to squeeze into my Zatanna costume and go protest on Bill’s lawn.

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Jessica Chastain Had A Baby Via Surrogate

November 18, 2018 / Posted by:

It occurred to me to write some shady shit about Jessica Chastain in hopes that she’d drop some ducats on me as she does for other complainants who come for her. She’s got people skills, huh? Ms. Chastain is a wily sort, cement in her principles minus the occasional choice of director misstep, and has an answer for any accusation thrown at her. Her new baby will probably end up running whatever corporation actually rules our county when she grows up. She probably came equipped with the perfect eye roll to throw at lazy people, too. Jessica, 41, and her husband Gian Luca Passi de Preposulo, 35, had a baby girl via surrogate, as reported by Page Six. Continue reading

Open Post: Hosted By Sour Patch Kids Cereal

November 17, 2018 / Posted by:

Aren’t your eyes weeping and your lips puckering after reading that headline? A milky bowl of sour-flavored cereal will soon be a real thing in your universe. Post is coming out with Sour Patch Kids Cereal. I hope this cereal’s appearance gets side-eyes and treefulls of shade from Toucan Sam and the rest of the cereal characters when this monstrosity goes up on shelves beside them.

The cereal will only be available at Wal*Mart until the new year, when it will hit other retailers. THis mess will reportedly change from sour to sweet when you eat it. They can make magic cereal but they can’t cure major disease. Why?

According to a press release from Post, the cereal will feature a “sour coating” and a “sweet finish.”

As a child and obviously a budding masochist, I would happily consume Sour Patch Kids by the bagful because eating enough of them made my eyes tear up and my face implode and look like an injured aquatic creature. I try to avoid those states as an adult, but it was always fun to torture oneself as a child. Did anyone else eat Pop Rocks and drink Coke at the same time? In hopes of exploding? I might have been an odd child.

Pic: Twitter

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Jude Law Is Sad That No One Will Ever See His Woody Allen Movie

November 17, 2018 / Posted by:

In an interview with the New York Times (via Vulture) about his appearance in the next Fantastic Beasts film, Jude Law revealed that he’s saddened that his and others’ work in Woody Allen’s movie A Rainy Day In New York will never be seen. Sometimes, Jude, it’s a good idea during interviews to let your publicist hurriedly throw their body inbetween you and the interviewer while shrieking “NEXT QUESTION, PLEASE!”

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