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Open Post: Hosted By Gracie, The Kitty That Saved Her Family’s Life

March 19, 2017 / Posted by:

The battery is probably dead in your carbon monoxide detector. This will probably end up killing you someday, but you may have a chance to live, if you’re a cat owner.

Annette and Kevin Shanahan of Reedsburg, Wisconsin, would have died if their brown tabby, Gracie, hadn’t been around. The Huffington Post reports that, on the night of Feb. 4, Annette wasn’t feeling right.

Annette Shanahan of Reedsburg, Wisconsin, told Madison.com this week that around 1 a.m. on Feb. 4, she felt weak, ill and disoriented and wandered out of bed, collapsing into a chair in the bedroom.

Her husband, Kevin, said he would have slept through it if it weren’t for the family cat, Gracie.

Gracie, perhaps noticing that one of his humans was seriously fucked up, sprang into action.

”All of the sudden Gracie, I heard she was pounding, knocking, knocking, knocking at the door,” he told local news channel WREG. “And so I got out of bed and to stop her from pounding at the door, and I looked to my left and Annette was there in the chair.”

Gracie doesn’t usually try to get into Annette and Kevin’s bedroom so he knew something was wrong. Kevin found his wife, and called 911. The firefighters later discovered that a malfunctioning water heater had released dangerous levels of carbon monoxide into their house. Yikes!

My disdain for cats is well-known (I think it’s even on my resume), but Gracie gets a pass. Sure, she was probably trying to save her own ass by escaping the house through a window in the bedroom, since cats are inherently selfish. But still – she inadvertently saved her humans.

Meet Gracie in the video below.

Pic: Huffington Post

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Kendall Jenner Fired A Bodyguard After She Was Robbed

March 19, 2017 / Posted by:

Kim Kardashian replicant Kendall Jenner was relieved of over $200,000 worth of ugly jewelry on Wednesday night. Police think that either a party guest pilfered her jewelry box or someone tip-toed their way in during said party to get to her expensive baubles (which she’s usually splashing all over on the Internet). Either way, someone had to be blamed and a security guard is currently updating his LinkedIn’s “skills” section to include “Guarding Narcissistic Mounds of Plastic.”

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Drake Admitted To Drunk-Texting Jennifer Lopez In A New Song

March 19, 2017 / Posted by:

He has a new album already? Didn’t he just drop a concept album about the CN Tower? Drake debuted a new playlist yesterday called “More Life.” It’s got a whole bunch of new tracks and he admits to drunk-texting ex-girlfriend Jennifer Lopez in one of them. It turns out that JLo immediately changed her number after she ended things with Drizzy and his wheelchair. Ugly sweaters – out of phone and out of mind!

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Los Angeles Prosecutors Have Denied Roman Polanski’s Demands

March 19, 2017 / Posted by:

Director Roman Polanski pled no contest to raping a 13-year-old girl in 1977, and then fled the country when it looked like he was going to have to serve some Subway Jared-level jail time. Now, Roman wants to sashay back into the States, spend a couple of nights at an upscale fantasy prison in Malibu, and then be done with it.

Unfortunately for Rosemary’s babydaddy, that’s not how raping an underage girl works here in America. Prosecutors have informed Roman that no deals will be made for a brief prison stay and he needs to get his ass back here for a hearing tomorrow to find out what’s going to happen to him.

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Open Post: Hosted By The Human Suction Cup

March 18, 2017 / Posted by:

Meet Jamie Keeton, aka “The Human Suction Cup.” The 47-year-old Chicagoan has a rare skin condition that makes objects stick to him. Those objects would include “bottles, cans, phones” and “pads of paper,” according to The Huffington Post. Jamie works as a sideshow artist and describes himself as “a real-life X-man-type person.” I’d much rather see this dude in the next X-movie as opposed to overrated Jennifer Lawrence all naked and blue. No thanks.

Jamie holds a Guinness World Record for “most drink cans placed on the head using air suction” (you really can do pretty much anything to get in that thing), and can pour drinks out of bottles attached to his skin.

“Everything sticks to me as long as it’s got a hard surface that can suck to me,” Keeton told The Wizard Of Odd, a YouTube channel featuring humans doing extraordinarily weird things. “Most of the time when I’m walking around, people think the cans of glue are magnetized. … That’s why I use a lot of aluminum and plastic, so none of its magnetizable.”

You can see more of his fantastic feats of sucking below. Ok, I’ll ask it. What about when he’s getting after it with someone? Do they stick to him? That could be helpful during, but after the act might be a little awkward. “No, you’re not still in me but yes, we’re still attached. Do we have to call 911?

Pic: YouTube

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