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Open Post: Hosted By Pickle Juice Soda

April 29, 2017 / Posted by:

A chain of stores, called Grandpa Joe’s Candy Shop, has introduced Pickle Juice Soda because, why not, we needed more disgusting beverages in the world and Clamato Juice already exists.

Mashable reports that fans of pickles and pickled things are going to find this a big “dill.” I didn’t pun that, they did!

“If you’re the kind of pickle lover who relishes all things pickled, this is gonna be a really big dill,” the store wrote on its Facebook page.

What does it taste like? To sum it up – DEATH. Well, they say it tastes like sweet pickle juice. So, yeah – DEATH.

“Your brain prepares you for the taste of pickle juice (like right from the jar),” the store wrote in an email. “It smells just like dill pickle juice as you might imagine. The taste is spot-on. While the flavor isn’t overwhelming, it’s sweet and would definitely satisfy that pickle craving”

You can buy a $29.99 six pack online here. Or you can just buy a jar of pickles and drink the juice. Probably cheaper.

Pic: Facebook

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DMX Went To Rehab Again

April 29, 2017 / Posted by:

TMZ says that bellowing hip-hop artist and father of multitudes, DMX, has entered rehab once more. He reportedly checked into a facility in Southern California on Thursday night. The rapper’s manager, Pat Gallo, and ex-girlfriend, Tashera Simmons, supposedly encouraged him to seek help. DMX has recently been missing performances (are they sure he wasn’t just arrested before these shows?) and his alcohol intake had his loved ones concerned. This isn’t his first stint in rehab. Dude’s kind of all over the place.

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Ciara Gave Birth To A “Princess”

April 29, 2017 / Posted by:

And she thankfully didn’t have that princess in an intersection!

Ciara and her husband, Seattle Seahawks quarterback Russell Wilson, announced the birth of their baby girl on her Instagram. Where else are you going to announce you had a baby nowadays? All those janky printing companies where you can order up 3,000 pieces of cardstock adorned with clip art and your child’s name misspelled must be furious with Instagram for effing with their revenue.

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Shannen Doherty Says Her Cancer Is In Remission

April 29, 2017 / Posted by:

Someone tell Jim and Cindy Walsh to bring some decorations down to Nat at the Peach Pit. A celebration is in order! Shannen Doherty says that she beat the shit out of cancer. You don’t eff with Brenda Walsh.

Shannen posted on her Instagram that she found out that her breast cancer is in remission. I think Shannen just imagined her cancer as a combination of Kelly Taylor, Emily Valentine, and that Valerie Malone chick (who thought she could replace Brenda) and just mentally slapped that amalgam over and over. Surely that helped her vanquish her illness.

“Moments. They happen. Today was and is a moment. What does remission mean? I heard that word and have no idea how to react. Good news? YES. Overwhelming. YES. Now more waiting.”

Shannen went on to explain that finding out you’re in remission is in no way the end of the battle. She really won’t be out of the woods, so to speak, for five years because reoccurrences can happen. She also has to meet with surgeons about getting multiple reconstruction surgeries. And there’s meds.

Decision on taking a pill for the next five years that comes with its own set of problems and side effects. I am blessed, I know that. But for now…. remission. I’m going to just breathe. #cancerslayer

Wouldn’t we all like to punch cancer in the face like it was a Nazi? Hopefully this means that Shannen will definitely be reprising her Heather Duke character for the Heathers reboot. She can now take over that shitshow and make it the one-Heather tour de force that it can and should be!

Pic: WENN

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Hackers Have Leaked Season Five Episodes Of “OITNB” Early

April 29, 2017 / Posted by:

A group of hackers called “thedarkoverlord” (*eye roll*) has reportedly stolen the upcoming fifth season of Orange Is The New Black. “thedarkoverlord” (I don’t have to keep inserting *eye roll* here, right?) claimed to have already uploaded ten out of thirteen episodes to an illegal file sharing service. (Remember when we all stole songs with Napster and told ourselves that it wasn’t thievery and just free shit, since it wasn’t physical media?) Season five of OITNB is supposed to premiere on Netflix on June 9.

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Open Posted: Hosted By Two Rats Compromising

April 23, 2017 / Posted by:

Or, if you want to keep it literal, it’s “two subway rats splitting a bagel.”

Michael K sent me this link and joked that it’s probably going to be a Pixar movie someday. I don’t find anything about this remotely funny. “Revulsion” and “terror” are my words du jour when it comes to rodents. If I saw this taking place, I’d be out of that subway station and requesting an Uber so fast that those rats wouldn’t have time to spread the cream cheese.

You know in cartoons when a lady sees a mouse and loses her shit completely? I’m her. There is nothing remotely catlike, dexterous, or X-Men about me. But, there was an incident with a mouse at my day job one time, where I literally sprung into a cyborg ninja backflip and landed on a desk when a tiny, snowy-white, squeaking critter announced its presence on our office floor. That’s how much I don’t do rodents. Ok, I’m exaggerating, and my fat body knocked over someone’s blended iced mocha and broke their monitor when I belly-flopped onto their desk in terror. I can’t lie to you people.

If you can stomach it, watch rats fight and then open their hearts to each other over a bagel in the video from Gothamist, below. Do I hear CHILDREN giggling in the background? Some parent let their kids watch this disturbing incident? Hopefully someone called DCF on that parent, because that’s just wrong.

Pic: Instagram

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