My new favorite way to avoid addressing what a messy slob who should clean out his damn closet I’ve become is to turn on Netflix and watch other messy slobs get called out by Marie Kondo, arguably the world’s most pleasant woman who drops by American homes to call people out on their hoarding and solves it by talking to their shirts and figure out which ones bring joy and which ones are talking smack behind their wearer’s backs. I still haven’t whispered sweet nothings to my clothes since binging through Tidying Up. However, it appears many people have because a new report says thrift stores are overflowing with the crap people no longer want in their houses!
It’s a tale tail as old as time: cats are curious mofos who need to be in everyone’s business (as long as it’s on the cat’s own time, thank mew very much). A recent example, however, might be a lesson to pussycats around the world to mind their own business, even if they are looking to feast on a scrumptious rodent.
The t-shirt and saltwater taffy shops of the Jersey Shore will be a little quieter and void of third-person self-references this summer, as Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino reported to prison today for trying to hide millions from Uncle Sam. Mike was sentenced back in October to eight months in the slammer after he and his brother, Marc Sorrentino, were found guilty of failing to pay taxes on two businesses they own, and incorrectly reporting $9 million of income. Marc got two years in jail, so count your blessed situation, The Situation! Mike do-si-doed into jail earlier this afternoon, and it looks like he’ll have another famous face to pump iron with in the prison yard.
Two years ago, total moron Billy McFarland realized there were even bigger total morons out there who likely wouldn’t bat an eye at giving him thousands to spend a weekend at an entire island of total morons (also called “influencers”) and the promise of hearing acts like Blink-182. Billy somehow got Ja Rule to partner with him on the so-called Fyre Festival, a music festival that was going to take place on an island Billy said was once owned by Pablo Escobar and was promoted by the likes of Bella Hadid, Kendall Jenner, and Hailey Baldwin. While one would think most people would see something with Kendall “This Pepsi will save the world” Jenner attached and run in the opposite direction, Billy somehow got people to pony up as much as $25,000 for his concert weekend that was about as believable as me hosting the Oscars. Actually, that last bit is more believable.
Long story short: the “high-class experience” was more like “malaria-producing chic.” People got slapped with lawsuits, Blink-182 pulled out, and Billy got sentenced to jail. And now all that drama can be seen in an upcoming Hulu documentary.
No, that isn’t Duchess Meghan waving bye to the latest royal staffer to say “Dueces!” but it should be! In the race between the White House and Kensington Palace as to who can see more staffers quit in a given year, KP leaps ahead for 2019!
Royal staffers have handed in their “bye bitch” letters ever since Meghan became a 5am NIGHTMARE by firing off emails at the break of dawn. Meghan’s assistant already quit since I imagine the dark nail polish and one-off bare shoulder became too much for a poor soul to endure. This time around, it’s her and Prince Harry’s bodyguard who is quitting, but they swear it has nothing to do with Meg. Ah, well, Meghan seems to be trying to deflect today by casually letting slip to a peasant when she’s expecting to give birth. Continue reading
Every yogi in America may have gotten the last laugh after all! Gwyneth Paltrow was on The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon last night, and because late night TV has to be wacky AF these days to get ‘dem YouTube views, Jimmy had a trick up his sleeves. He and Gwyneth had to play a singing game where, if you didn’t know the lyrics to a song, you got sprayed in the face with water. By the end of this shenanigan, Gwyn and Jimmy looked like spring break in Daytona Beach!