Kris Jenner is the patron saint of bad mothers. She is so bad, that Dina Lohan probably lets out a wet burp while watching Keeping Up With The Kardashians before turning to her kids and yelling “At least I ain’t that bitch!”.
Now the rest of the world is finally ready to chuck Pimp Mama Kris and her stable of famewhores into the nearest dumpster next to the used condoms where they belong, because ratings for the show have been rapidly declining. It also doesn’t help that the romance between her son, Rob Kardashian, and the always elegant former Twerk Consultant, Blac Chyna, is on life support. What’s a pimp to do? Well, she’s decided to toss a couple dollars at Blac Chyna to make her stay with Rob! And since Chyna is used to having money thrown at her, it’s a totally acceptable and reasonable proposition.
When it comes to epic jaw dropping moments of “what the fuck??!,” nobody brings it like the world famous Jackson family (aka the 80’s Kardashians).
One of the original members, Janet Jackson, has been entertaining us with bits and pieces from her secretive, crazy life. Earlier this year, she dropped her first kid at age 50. Yes, her first kid at 50. Then, what felt like a few seconds later, she split from her husband of five years, multi-billionaire businessman Wissam Al Mana.
Jon and Kate Gosselin are like the roaches you see scattering around the kitchen that come out to taunt you with their existence every now and again. These mu’fuckas just refuse to call the time of death on their “celebrity,” because Kate is still pimping the kids out on TLC and Jon is now a stripper.
Yes, I know, you need a moment to go grab the lotion of your choice because the mental image of his pasty, busted biscuit can shaped body gyrating for the masses is setting your loins to BROIL. Well, unfortunately for all of us, Jon is more of a cock tease than the girl in high school who only gives out hand jobs.
Renowned media mogul, Tyra Banks, has practiced the time honored tradition of ageism for years. When her iconic skinny bitch showcase America’s Next Top Model debuted in 2003, there has always been three main simple rules: 1). I am your Queen! 2). At some point I’ma fuck your hair up. 3). Don’t be an old bitch.
Well, rules 1 and 2 are still in full effect, but Tyra has finally done away with rule number 3. She now welcomes contestants of every age to pack their bags (including the ones under their eyes) to smize away for cash prizes and reality supermodel infamy.
Yesterday (in what I was hoping was the worse April Fool’s Day prank of life), it appeared that former lap dance associate Blac Chyna and sock magnate Rob Kardashian were trying to work through their differences after last month’s unnecessary drama. And, of course, by “work through their differences,” I mean get as much attention as possible to please their boss, Kris Jenner. Man, I tell you, Pimp Mama Kris be puttin’ in overtime with her pimping. She never misses an opportunity to have her employees shake and shimmy for the cameras. Continue reading
I realize that during the Grammys earlier this year is that Beyonce, the queen of our time, placed a spell on all of us in the middle of her Offering to the Goddess performance when she gazed into the camera like “Love Me..Join Tidal… I COMMAND YOU!!” But that shit don’t work on me, because I don’t drink the damn lemonade. I prefer my ice to caress whiskey and honestly, I don’t even need the ice. So go hypnotize someone else, sistah!
Still, the spell worked on a few people (like Adele, who damn near somersaulted on stage to present Queen Bey with her Grammy on a bended knee). And director Jon Favreau is also ready to hand over stacks of cash for her to voice Nala in an upcoming live-action remake of The Lion King.