Usually when you’ve just gone through a messy public paternity battle with your shady ex-husband over a surrogate baby that you were trying really really hard to get rid of, typically the last thing you’d want to do is make a joke about getting rid of one of your kids on television. However, thinking hasn’t always been Sherri Shepherd’s strongest skill, and when she appeared on The View yesterday, she burped out a joke that made everyone sort of stare at the floor and think “Well, this is awkward.”
During the round-table cluck fest that is the Hot Topics segment, Raven-Symoné admitted that she really wants a baby in her life. Sherri, who was back as a guest host because…I have no idea why, responded by saying “Girl, I got one or two you can have of mine.” That sound you just heard was Lamar Sally gleefully whipping out his calculator and trying to figure out just how much child support money he’d make off Raven’s Cosby Show residual checks.
Of course, Sherri realized what she did and started to back-pedal on her joke by blabbering something about how women with kids are always offering up their kids to those without. Meanwhile, Baby Lamar Sally Jr. is already rolling down the street on one of Sherri’s sturdiest wigs glued to a set of roller skates like “Jokes or not, I’m going to live with That’s So Raven.“
In the grand tradition of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette, People says that the most recent Bachelor Chris Soules and rose collector Whitney Bischoff are over after six months of being engaged. I know, I really should have given you more time to prepare yourself for such BEYOND SHOCKING news. Feel free to send me the bill for whatever injuries you sustained when you passed out from the sheer shock of it all.
Prince Farming (yes that was a thing) and Whitney released a statement earlier today saying exactly what you think they’d say about their split – that they’ve “mutually and amicably decided to end their engagement” and that they “will continue to be supportive friends.” Uh huh. Sure. Skip ahead to six months from now when both of them are pulling an “I don’t know them” before awkwardly trying to change the subject.
Because I don’t love myself, I watched almost all of Chris and Whitney’s season of The Bachelor and I’m not surprised things didn’t work out between those two. He always had the same ‘bored narcoleptic badger’ look on his face whenever Whitney would talk at him. It was as if he was mentally counting down the seconds till he could hop in the hot tub and get his blurred-out boner on. Although to be fair, he had that look with everyone.
This marks the 19th time a couple from The Bachelor or The Bachelorette have called it quits. Would it be too bold of me to suggest that ABC might want to consider changing the name of the show to The 4-to-6 Week Engagement Ring Rental? It would make more sense.
Welcome to round 4,239 of the never-ending high school lunchroom fight between 4-time self-appointed prom queen Taylor Swift, her former BFF and current wannabe parking lot bad girl Katy Perry, and the sleazy dude who should have graduated years ago but still continues to hang around the halls asking every girl who walks by “Wassup?” John Mayer. I know, it’s been entirely too long since the last one.
According to Heat (via Hollywood Life), John Mayer is helping Katy Perry write a song about their mutual enemy Taylor Swift in an attempt to get back at her for writing one about Katy. A “friend” of Katy’s – who I’ll pretend confessed all of this in the 2nd floor girls bathroom while taking a long drag off a cigarette she yanked from her mother’s purse – says:
“Katy thinks revenge is a dish best served cold. She’s even more determined to show people what she calls ‘the real Taylor’, she’s writing some big, anthemic-type songs that’ll feature dirt on Taylor that John’s told her from when they used to date.”
They went on to add that Katy is still mad that she didn’t get to go to the Billboard Music Awards and it’s all Tay Tay’s fault. Apparently John Mayer convinced her that shit might get awkward with living beige Crayola crayon and her fan club, so she skipped it.
Even though I’m sure Katy Perry and John Mayer have better things to do than write a mean girl diss track about Tay Tay (subtle suggestion), I can’t help but wonder what it would be like. Since Katy Perry is violently allergic to subtlety, I’m going to assume it will be called “Tay-LIAR“, and the video will feature Katy Perry getting into a slap fight with a broom stick in a t-shirt that says I HEART CATS with a vintage purse stapled to it while John Mayer cheers her on.
Speaking of Katy Perry’s nemesis, here’s Tay Tay doing her daily fashion show walk for the paps earlier today:
Emilia Clarke, aka dragon enthusiast Daenerys Targaryen on Game of Thrones, has been famous-ish for a while now and she recently admitted in an interview with Marie Claire UK that one of the things she’s learned about being famous-ish is that she won’t ever type the name EMILIA CLARKE into the Google search bar ever again. If you just guessed “Was it because of rude assholes?“, congratulations – you guessed right! Although you don’t win a prize, because that could be the answer to at least 2,396 of life’s questions.
“I remember when everything first kicked off, I Googled myself. You just do, it’s instinct. But never again. It just takes that one person who says ‘She’s a fat bitch’, and you’re like ‘I’m a fat bitch.'”
Emilia looks like she weighs about the same as an average family pack of Pop-Tarts, so I hope she hasn’t taken that random search result too seriously (I just pictured Emilia Clarke changing her Twitter bio to “Fat Bitch”). Besides, it was probably just the bitchy hisses from a disgruntled former dragon actor from GoT who is still bitter that they got fired for showing up drunk on dragon drank and acting a mess on set.
Emilia also talked about how she turned down the role of Anastasia Steele in Fifty Shades of Bland Spanking, and no, it’s not because she knew that there would be a mountain of word shit waiting for her the next time she Googled her name.
“I really wanted to work with Sam Taylor-Johnson because she’s fucking amazing. But there is a huge amount of nudity in the film. I’ll never say, ‘I’m never doing nudity’ because I’ve already done it, but I thought I might get stuck in a pigeonhole that I would have struggled to get out of.”
“Ooh, that’s good. Can I use that one?” thought Dakota Johnson, as she prepared her list of excuses for why she can’t do the third Fifty Shades movie.
During a recent press conference for Mad Max: Fury Road at the Cannes Film Festival, a movie critic for the Toronto Star named Peter Howell caused Tom Hardy to make the “WTF is shit shit?” face he’s making above by asking him a next-level dumb question about dudes. Peter Howell, who prefaced his question by stating that he grew up around a bunch of women-types so he knows what it’s like to be “outgunned by estrogen“, asked Tom if at any time during his reading of the script for Mad Max: Fury Road he wondered why there were so many women in a “man’s movie.”
I hope Peter Howell wasn’t expecting a long-ass answer, because Tom Hardy replied to his question by grunting out a hard “NO” followed by the same look I give when someone tells me they think Kim Kardashian’s ass is real. It all happens around the 9:46 mark. Bonus reaction: Charlize Theron’s calm on the outside/(screaming internally) face.
Tom’s response was so cold, I’m surprised that bottle of water in front of him didn’t freeze and explode, but he could have been way ruder. Since when is Mad Max a “man’s movie“? Has Peter Howell never seen Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome? That movie has lots of shit for the ladies: still hot Mel Gibson, still hot Mel Gibson’s gorgeous hair, hot sweaty dudes, Tina Turner serving up on-point road warrior eleganza for your nerves. Now that I think of it, Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome might be the perfect girl’s night movie. Hell, it even comes with the perfect song to have a drunk dramatic living room sing-off to! Although that’s not specific to ladies; I’m pretty sure everyone loves belting out “We Don’t Need Another Hero“.
When vampire actress Nikki Reed and vampire actor Ian Somerhalder pressed the fast forward button on their relationship by making it legal last month, I was shocked beyond shocked that their first order of business wasn’t to run to UsWeekly or InTouch or the Glendale NOW! free weekly shopper and hustle their wedding photos for a check with a couple zeros at the end. Instead, Nikki held tight until yesterday when she released a highlight reel of their wedding to Instagram. Warning: high-levels of whimsical soft-focus romance ahead.
I don’t know what made me release a dribble of scared pee more: the thought of being covered in dirty prickly pocket glitter or the fact that it was delivered BY A SCARY CLOWN. Yep, definitely the scary clown. Now if you’ll excuse me, I believe I need to change my pants.
While strolling through LAX yesterday, Jennifer Lopez lived my worst nightmare when a dude dressed as a busted Juggalo-looking clown threw a load of glitter in her face. NO! Glitter should only be used for good – never evil. Someone should teach that scary clown some glamour manners.
According to TMZ, the glitter-throwing clown is a dude named Richie the Barber and he’s the same person responsible for covering Khloe Kardashian’s ass in confetti last year. You know, you’d think a barber would know how difficult it is to comb a million particles of shit out of your hair. Rude. And it was especially rude for him to do it to JLo yesterday, because she was just trying to show off her new one-night-stand baby of Bon Jovi and Ally McBeal haircut. Double rude! So far there’s no word on whether or not JLo is going to press charges.
Besides the fact that it was beyond obnoxious, what’s throwing glitter on JLo even going to do? Her skin is 90% cosmetic-grade shimmer, so technically all he did was waste a bunch of glitter. Somewhere, the old Kesha is crying.
I’m pretending this is the exact same “Oi, are you fooking kidding me?” look Duchess Kate shot into the sky when she found out The Queen wanted her to get her ass back to work. Yes I said sky; The Queen is omnipresent, like God or Santa, right?
Even though Duchess Kate gave birth to Baby Princess Charlotte a hot marmalade minute ago, OK says The Queen is already laying out a selection of jewel-tone coats and dresses that have already sold out from here to Uranus for her granddaughter-in-law, because it’s time to get back to waving, smiling, having nice hair, and waving. According to a “source“, The Queen wants Duchess Kate to make an appearance at her birthday parade on June 13th, and she thinks a month is a long enough maternity leave. Prince William has already gone back to work.
The last time Duchess Kate went on mat leave, she checked out for 39 days, so I’m sure The Queen has already gotten a crippling finger sprain from the amount of time she’s done that obnoxious “Time’s a ticking!” pointing-at-a-pretend-watch-on-your wrist hand motion. Gawd Duchess Kate, why are you being so lazy? Let Baby Prince George take care of his little sister, and get back to work! What’s that? You’re still sore from pushing out a spare? Suck it up buttercup, the corgis need a new ruby-studded dog ramp and that shit don’t come cheap.
By the way, if someone could explain to me how Royal ‘work’ works, that would be great, because I clearly have no idea.
As if it wasn’t painfully obvious by Julianna Margulies’ “Sorry, where am I supposed to be looking?” eyes, Archie Panjabi – aka the person who appears to be sitting beside her at that bar, who also has no idea where the fuck her eye line is – recently spoke about her final scene on The Good Wife and kind-of admitted that, yeah, they definitely didn’t film it together.
I’ve only seen a couple episodes of The Good Wife by accident, thanks to a remote with dying batteries combined with being too lazy to get off the couch and watch something else, but I didn’t have to see the finale last week to know it was a mess. Right away, people started whispering that it looked like Julianne and Archie pulled a green screen switcheroo for and shot their scenes on different days using stand-ins and some cut-and-paste technology. And that would make sense, since there have been rumors going around since Jesus times that those two can’t stand to be in the same room together. On Tuesday, UsWeekly cornered Archie at the premiere of San Andreas and asked her if her final scene with Julianna was bogus, and she burped up this vague answer:
“You know, I can’t answer that. It’s not fair for me to answer those decisions. As much as I want to. But those decisions are made by the producers. I’m not privy to those decisions. All I do know is I’m very grateful to the Kings for making the decision to cast me.”
That’s a lot of words to say “Was it that obvious I was saying my lines to bag of craft service table Cheetos in a wig?”
Damn, you know you truly hate someone if you can’t even pretend to drink tequila with them for the sake of collecting a check. Since it was Archie’s last show ever, does that mean they also had two going away parties that they spliced together afterwards? “Don’t touch the cake! We need that for the second group shot.”
Here’s Archie Panjabi at the premiere of San Andreas wearing some ‘bank manager on top, Game of Thrones on the bottom’ couture:
After months of building a massive collection of whimsical Flower Fairies maternity couture, it looks like Keira Knightley can go ahead and stuff them all in a bag and throw them in the donation bin, because E! says she doesn’t need them anymore. “Multiple sources” have confirmed that Keira Knightley has given birth to the baby that was growing inside her for the past 9 months, which means Keira and her husband James Righton are parents now. I know, this news is nothing unless it’s being sung by Michael Bolton.
Keira isn’t exactly the run-to-the-press fame whore type, so not much is really known about Keira Knightley’s baby just yet. But here’s what I do know: it could be a boy or a girl and it’s most likely under 20lbs. Then again, I probably shouldn’t assume anything, since there’s always a chance she gave birth to a 30lb record-shattering vagina-destroying baby. But for the sake of her down-low parts, let’s all cross our fingers and pray that didn’t happen.
I know I mentioned before that I hoped Keira and James embraced all those ght‘s in their last names and named their kid Dwight Knightley-Righton, but now I want to change my baby name guess. Keira and James both have very fancy British-sounding names, so until I hear otherwise, I choose to believe they named their new baby either Poppy Pippa Paddington, Nigel Fitzcrumpet, Keep Calm Reference, or Corgi Union Jack Marmalade. It’s totally the last one, isn’t it?