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Open Post: Hosted By Amber Rose Keeping It Modest And Tasteful, As Usual

August 30, 2014 / Posted by:

To celebrate Wiz Khalifa’s album, Blacc Hollywood, hitting the number 1 spot on the Billboard 200, his exquisite former-stripper wife Amber Rose paid tribute to her husband’s career milestone in the most Amber Rose-ian way possible: by recording a video of her twerking her all-natural XXL booty balls in her underwear in front of a fireplace and a portrait of her husband and posting it to Instagram. It’s videos like this that totally explain why Amber Rose changed her name from her born name, Amber Levonchuck: a demure goddess that’s as delicate as the dewdrop on a pristine rose petal should have a name to match.

Obviously if you’re going to acknowledge someone’s accomplishments, a half-naked twerk-o-gram is the way to go. Fuck flowers! If I did a good job, I’d be thrilled to receive a jiggling ass. Then again, if Michael K surprised me a twerk-o-gram, productivity would drop to 0.00%, because both of us would be too busy marveling at such booty beauty to get any damn work done.

And is it just me, or does Amber Rose look exactly like a come-to-life version of one of the Amazonians from Futurama?

Video: Amber Rose

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Joan Rivers Is Currently On Life Support

August 30, 2014 / Posted by:

I figured if there was any time to post a gorgeous picture of Joan Rivers serving up stunning 80s pink taffeta realness with the most glamorous creature in the universe, Miss Piggy, it was now. On Thursday night, Melissa Rivers released a statement regarding the status of her mother’s condition after Joan’s heart stopped working during a procedure at a clinic, saying that Joan was in resting comfortably in a coma (which made me hopeful, because if daytime TV has taught me anything, it’s that people wake up from comas all the time).

But today TMZ is bringing us the shitty news that Joan Rivers has been put on life support, and that her family will have the next couple days to decide when to turn the machines off. TMZ says that Joan’s family is hopeful that an angel dressed like Loretta Castorini will descend from Heaven and tell her to snap out of it, and the NY Daily News says she’s surrounded by her family at this time.

I was under the impression that Joan would out-live us all (considering she’s had considerable upgrades done in the past 20 or so years) so I don’t know what to think. I definitely don’t want to think about her being escorted up to Heaven by the ghost of Spike, and I DEFINITELY don’t want to think about poor Melissa having to make the decision to pull the plug on her own mother (too sad). But I suppose if sad shit is mean to happen, at least Joan herself can tell me everything is going to be OK (skip to the 23:27 mark and get your finest Joan Rivers for QVC scarf ready to dab at your eyes):

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When The Expression Of A Baby Says It All

August 30, 2014 / Posted by:

North West is only 14 months old, and already she’s mastered an expert-level “over it” expression, which is insane, because babies don’t usually start learning how to pull such flawless baby resting bitch face till at least their second birthday (at least according to Today’s Parent). But 1-year-old North West is already slaying all the other babies by emoting just how genuinely unimpressed with her mother she is. Remember when just a few short months ago, North used to stare quizzically at Kim Kardashian, like “Harpo, who dis hooker?”. Now she stares at the ground disappointed, like “Sadly I’m aware of who this hooker is”. Clearly living with such a useless piece of cheap trash has fast-tracked her development. HA! “Living“. Listen to me, talking as if Kim has seen her baby enough in the past year to be considered anything more than “casually visiting”.

She’s also managed to perfect the art of subtlety, which, again, very difficult at this age. Where most babies being held by Kim Kardashian would roll their eyes or cry or take a smelly shit in their diaper, North is more reserved with her emotions and chooses only to show how completely uninterested she is in her stripper-looking mom’s tits-out attention whore antics. For someone created from the busted DNA of Kim Kardashian and Kanye West, baby North is actually incredibly smart.

Here’s more of Kim, Kim’s kurrent husband Kanye, and the baby they sometimes take pictures with at LAX last night at 1am (you know who loves flying at 1am? BABIES!). I love how North is staring at the TSA guards like “Hey guys! I’m larger than 3.4 ounces! Confiscate me!

Pics: Splash

Madonna Proves She’s Still A Nasty Bitch By Taking An Angry Swipe At Lady Gaga On Her New Album

August 30, 2014 / Posted by:

Madonna’s 13th studio album isn’t expected to be released till like, Christmas or 2016 or some shit (whenever she takes a break from Instagramming sexy memaw selfies in the bathroom, really), but the details of one track have already been leaked, and I’m sure it was totally by accident and not carefully choreographed, because Madonna would never pull such a cheap stunt to drum up publicity for an upcoming album. Never!

According to the Daily Mail, the cunty diss-hissing Madonna of days past makes a return during a song called “Two Steps Behind Me” (aka where the assistant who was hired solely to administer her daily Botox injections is at all times) which is rumored to be about unauthorized Madonna impersonator Lady Gaga. And just like Lady Gaga, the a sampling of the lyrics shows that “Two Steps Behind Me” is destined to be a busted mess:

“You’re a copycat, Where is my royalty? You’re a pretty girl, I’ll give you that. But stealing my recipe, it’s an ugly look.”

“Did you study me hard enough? You’re never gonna be, you’re just a wannabe me. Like a sister all messed-up, who’s gonna help you out? In your fantasy, you can try it all. But you can’t be me.”

“You can walk the walk, even talk the talk. But you’ll always be two steps behind me.”

Oh my god, I love bitchy Madonna as much as the next person, but this song sounds like it was written by Regina George coming out of a Kalteen Bar coma. NO! Regina George would be more creative than that! This is the song Kim Kardashian would write about the “haters” if she knew how to write. It’s so bad. But you know the video will be way worse, and I’m actually really excited about that. Madonna is about as subtle as a shit in a shoe, so the video will definitely have a low-budget Lady Gaga (“So a low-budget Madonna?” – You) spying on Madge with binoculars and tearing Vogue-era pictures of out of magazines and hanging them on her wall. It’s going to be a melodramatic middle school-looking disaster. I can’t wait!

Mahky Mahk Is Skipping Donnie Walhberg’s Wedding Because He Doesn’t Like The Bride

August 30, 2014 / Posted by:

Former New Kids On The Block hotel room arsonist and current guy who sells hamburgers on a reality show Donnie Wahlberg is getting married to the human equivalent to getting your period during a cross-country road trip Jenny McCarthy today in New York, an event which will surely bring out the who’s who of top-tier celebrities. However, TMZ says that one A-list brother will NOT be attending the wedding: MAHKY MAHK. Donnie, say hi to your mother for Mark; he won’t be there to do it himself. »

Night Crumbs

August 29, 2014 / Posted by:

Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez were spotted holding hands in Canada, but it looks more like he’s pulling her aside to whisper: “Girl, you need to start doing a creep sweep before you exit the plane, ’cause that camel toe is out of control”Lainey Gossip

Pimp Mama Kris just signed Shrek Montana as a “client”, which means a Wookiee/Ogre sex tape will be burning our eyes in no time – Reality Tea

Huge shocking surprise: “Mega pop superstarAriana Grande Latte is a difficult fetus-faced diva – Celebitchy

Alessandra Ambrosia Salad reminds us what she looks like when she’s not wearing a bikini – Hollywood Tuna

Ageless Smoky Mountain wildflower Dolly Parton did the ice bucket challenge and – DUH – it was adorable – Towleroad

Brit Brit had the kind of day that even a trenta white chocolate mocha Frappucinno couldn’t fix – WWTDD

Every time I see Rihanna in a bikini, it always looks like that Isis tattoo has volunteered to hold her tits up, like “Here, allow me” – The Superficial

I bet all the ice cubes in that bucket were like “Ew, you go first!” “No, you go first!” – Drunken Stepfather

Jackie from That 70s Show: still pregnant – Popoholic

These are either the first pics of Angelina Jolie since she got hitched or Yzma from The Emperor’s New Groove on vacation (they’re blurry and it’s hard to tell)  – Popsugar

#26 automatically wins, because PUPPEH!!! – The Berry

Kendull Jenner (sorry…Kendull) klaims she was bowing her head – not checking her phone – during the moment of silence for Ferguson during the VMAs. This just in: Kendull Jenner is as good at lying as she is at reading – ICYDK

Vanessa Hudgens did a good – Just Jared

Lena Dunham looks like one of the Golden Girls waking up from a post-cheesecake nap on the lanai (well, not Blanche – Blanche would never wake up looking anything less than a freshly bloomed magnolia blossom) – SOW

The dancers from Cirque du Soleil’s Michael Jackson: One made a music video for the single “A Place With No Name“, and it’s the definition of a beautiful low-budget desert circus raver stripper ANTM mess (aka PERFECTION) – Boy Culture

Totes awky mo mo” sounds like something Miley Cyrus would name one of her dogs – Pajiba

Pic: FameFlynet

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What In Creepy 1970s Algebra Professor Hell Is Going On Here?

August 29, 2014 / Posted by:

Jesus take the wheel. Take the everything! This is definitely one of those ‘One set of footprints on the beach’ moments where Jesus needs to pick his ass up and start searching his pockets for PCP, because Snoop Dogg has clearly cut his good shit with the kind of bad shit that makes terrifying nightmares come to life.

Apropos of nothing, Snoop posted a bunch of pictures to Instagram of himself dressed up as his white alter-ego Snoop Todd. Snoop didn’t explain why he was dressed up like Walter White fucked a bag of flour and a Diane Sawyer wig, and quite frankly, the less I know, the better. Snoop Todd looks like the type of guy who is required by law to introduce himself to everyone on the street when he moves into a new neighborhood. Snoop Todd looks like a sex offender with scurvy. Snoop Todd would also sort of look like my high school librarian if you shaved off the facial hair (save for a couple under the chin) and dangled a delicate gold cross from Costco out of the top of that turtleneck.

I don’t know if people will react to Snoop Dogg in whiteface like they reacted to Nick Cannon in whiteface, but can whatever Snoop is doing really be considered whiteface? It’s more like Elmer’s wood filler face. Or expired foundation from Dollar Tree face. Regardless of what it is, Jackie Rogers Jr. isn’t here for Snoop trying to jack his look:

Jackie.Rogers.Jr

Here’s more of Snoop Dogg Snoop Lion Snoop Todd serving up FACE! WIG! NIGHTMARES!, because clearly there’s not enough disturbing shit on the Internet.

(via Uproxx)

Open Post: Hosted By A Relaxed-As-Hell Chihuahua Getting A Neck Massage

August 29, 2014 / Posted by:

Who would have though that a video of a chihuahua blissing the fuck out while napping under a tiny Korean newspaper as a set of rotating rubber testicles gently massage away his little leg-humping worries would be the most relaxing thing I’d see all week? This video is more relaxing than taking a Calgon bath with Bob Ross while a basket of kittens dump a bucket of cotton balls over your head. Part of me wishes I could wake up every morning to the image of this little butterscotch nugget resting comfortably on two sets of battery-operated Truck Nutz (really, what even is that massager), but I’m afraid it might make me too calm. I don’t want to start writing shit like “Blessed be, it’s ethereal goddess Kim Kardashian exuding gentle energy and soulful light while posing with her tits out in an Instagram selfie.” And trust, nobody wants that less that me.

The only thing that could make this video any more perfect than it already is would be to set it to some Enya and loop it so that it played for at least 60 minutes. That way, I could bring it with me the next time I go to the dentist and really namaste away all my stress. Or just let me bring that dog with me when I go? Hit me up, hypnotic chihuahua!

(via Gawker)

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Oh, It’s Just Miley Cyrus Flashing Her Fur-Covered Cooter For V Magazine

August 29, 2014 / Posted by:

Amateur hillbilly stripper chipmunk Miley Cyrus is on the cover of V Magazine’s “Rebel Issue”, which sort of makes sense, since she’s damn near re-wrote every chapter in the book of Former Disney Ho Rebellion. Slutty shower pics? Check. Smoking drugs? Check. Humping everything that moves? Check. More drugs? Oh, you betcha. The issue doesn’t come out until September 10th, but V Magazine decided to tease the cover a little early, because who wouldn’t want to see Miley laying on a pile of stuffed animals dressed like Beast Man’s skanky glue-sniffing half-sister?

But who’s responsible for this busted bowling alley claw game mess? Why that would be kunty tastemaker Karl Lagerfeld. Karl shot Miley and her Muppet fur-covered pork rinds for the cover, and it’s actually not the worst. Sure, it kind of looks like she’s posing for a sleazy ad that would run in the back pages of Sesame Street’s weekly free newspaper and, sure, that shark is giving “Help Me” eyes, but at least he managed to keep her clothes on, right?

Screen Shot 2014-08-29 at 9.24.57 AM copy

Oh, for fucks sakes! As usual, I spoke too soon. It appears that Karl Lagerfeld also took a picture of Miley reaching for a slice of poontang pie with her backwoods pudding balloons out, because of course he did! It probably wasn’t even his choice! I bet Karl was all ready to pack up his shit when a naked-ass Miley lept in front of the door like a freon-huffing gazelle and hollered “Where do you think you’re going, Gay Dracula? We ain’t even done no nudes yet!”. Meanwhile, cut to that pile of stuffed animals all silently wishing for the incinerator from Toy Story 3.

Pics: Instagram, ONTD

Melissa Says Joan Rivers Is “Resting Comfortably” After Being Rushed To The Hospital Yesterday

August 29, 2014 / Posted by:

When it was reported yesterday that Joan Rivers had been rushed to the hospital after her heart stopped beating and her lungs stopped breathing during a throat procedure at a clinic, my first reaction was to scream out NOOOOO! while clutching at an egg of Sully Putty and praying the Rosary on the fine craftsmanship and exquisite detail of a Joan Rivers for HSN beaded necklace. But my second reaction was the same as J Harveys: we both immediately cried “WHAT ABOUT MELISSA?!?”, because what the hell would Melissa Rivers do without her mom?

Thankfully we don’t have to cross that bridge just yet, but it sounds like we shouldn’t disassemble our prayer shrines either. Us Weekly says that Joan is currently in a medically-induced coma, while Melissa has released a statement via a rep from Mount Sinai (the hospital where Joan is laid up) that her mom is doing okay for now:

“I want to thank everyone for the overwhelming love and support for my mother. She is resting comfortably and is with our family. We ask that you continue to keep her in your thoughts and prayers.”

Joan has been in the hospital for around 24-hours, and already her condition has been upgraded twice from “critical’ to “stable” to “resting comfortably”. Bitch works fast! I’m hoping that at this rate, her condition will be upgraded to “watching reruns of House Hunters on HGTV” before Sunday. Then on Monday morning, she’ll appear on HSN hustling her new line of exquisitely crafted 14K rose gold IV catheters and hissing insults about how hideous her nurse’s scrubs were on Fashion Police (what am I saying? She’s probably already doing that from her hospital bed).

But in the meantime, I’ll go back to my praying over my egg of Silly Putty and this picture of Joan and her Yorkie, Spike. If anyone can save Joan, it’s Spike!

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