“Let me no if u need n e help turning yr wedding in2 an expensive spectacle! I’m pretty shure I still got at least one of my wedding planning binders around here sumwhere.“…is a text Brody Jenner might receive from his former step-sister Kim Kardashian if they were on speaking terms. Who am I kidding? She’s too busy popping bottles of sparkling Botox in honor of Blac Chyna getting their family ten tons of attention today to know about Brody’s news.
Back in the mid-to-late 2000s it felt like Brody Jenner – who was still just Brody Jenner of The Hills and not Brody Jenner of That Awful Family – dated everyone. He was linked to Kristin Cavallari, Nicole Richie, Lauren Conrad, Jayde Nicole, Avril Lavigne, Paris Hilton, and Haylie Duff. Brody’s penis has seen more mid-to-late 2000s famous cooch than a Kitson dressing room. But for the past three years, he’s been with a chick named Kaitlynn Carter. And earlier today, he announced on Instagram that they’re getting married.
“On May 4th 2016 I got engaged to my lover and my best friend @kaitlynn_carter. I couldn’t be more in love with this woman and I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with her.”
Oh gross, “lover“? Can you get an engagement annulled? No, using the word “lover” isn’t that bad. It’s not good either, but whatever. It does make sense that Brody would call Kaitlynn his “lover“, since their thing is fucking a lot.
No word on when this wedding will happen, or if it will be taped for a very special episode of KUWTK or I Am Cait. But let’s be honest, it totally will. I hope Brody’s future wife is ok with her wedding to turn into the ME ME ME! show starring Caitlyn Jenner, Kylie Jenner, Kendall Jenner, and the rest of the Krew (if they’re invited). I know your name starts with a K, Kaitlynn, but as long as there are kameras around, it’s not your day.
In the event you’d like to see what the front of Kaitlynn’s face looks like, here she is with Brody at an event in Las Vegas a few months ago.
Jennifer Lopez has released the video for “Ain’t Your Mama“, and she got in her way way back machine and went girl power vintage for the video. A video that appears to be brought to you by the following companies: Peuterey jackets, Lavazza coffee, xtava hair dryers, Body Lab protein powder, Skinny Stix, Beluga Gold Line vodka and some app called Friendable. There are also so many wigs. But they’re all very necessary to the video, because JLo goes all out with the character work. JLo must have taken a introductory class at The Groundlings, because JLo does so many characters in this video. Let’s meet them all, shall we?
Actually, Justin Timberlake’s face above is actually a pretty good description of his new song. It’s a “This isn’t bad” smile that turns into an “Okay, I got the gist of it…you can turn it off now.”
Justin Timberlake hasn’t released a new song since 2013, presumably because he was too busy making a baby and teaching said baby to mug for the cameras and training his hair to curl into gorgeous little Ramen ringlets to make new music. After teasing the release of his newest single “Can’t Stop the Feeling” all damn day on Twitter and Instagram (JT acting like he was releasing the damn McRib II or something), he finally threw it up online. Justin recorded “Can’t Stop the Feeling” for the upcoming DreamWorks film Trolls (which Justin also voices a character in), and yeah, it sounds pretty much like something from a DreamWorks movie. I can practically see the animated Troll in a fedora doing that cocky DreamWorks smirk while singing to it.
All those random cameos in that video aren’t actually that random. Gwen Stefani, James Corden, Anna Kendrick, Kunal Nayyar, Ron Funches, and Icona Pop all voice characters in Trolls.
Michael and I talked about this earlier, and his verdict was that it sounded like Bruno Mars meets The Weeknd. Which it absolutely does. It sounds like Pharrell Williams wrote it for Bruno Mars, who passed on it and gave it to The Weekend, who passed on it because it was too vague as to whether or not “the feeling” he was singing about was from cocaine. Then it ended up in Justin Timberlake’s hands, who agreed to do it, because damn if Britney Spears is going to be the only former Mickey Mouse Club member to record a song for a CGI movie about freaky little creatures.
“Can’t Stop the Feeling” isn’t the worst song (although I’m sure my opinion will change after I hear it for the 1 billionth time in the mall this summer). But it really seems like a missed opportunity not to have the lead single from a movie called Trolls performed by troll expert Demi Lovato.
The last time we checked in on RiRi and Wheelchair Jimmy, they were grinding against each other like two horny students at the Degrassi High spring dance in both of her videos for “Work.” But as far as anyone knew, they weren’t dating. Then last week, Drake described his relationship with Rihanna in kind of more-than-friends way (at least to me) by saying they “do well as a team“, that they’re “not forcing some story on people“, and that they have a “genuine energy.” Now People is saying that – SURPRISE – they’ve been dating this whole time. We just haven’t heard about it because they’ve been dating in ~secret~.
A source says they’ve been secretly dating “for months.” I immediately pictured the source as an excited Drake twirling the cord of his princess phone around his finger while scribbling Mr. Wheelchair Rihanna in his Raptors notebook. A different source tells UsWeekly that they’re “definitely hooking up“, while another says they were spotted acting cutesy at The Nice Guy last night. According to that source, they were together the whole night with their arms around each other and looked “affectionate.” Okay, but to be honest, I’m pretty sure “affectionate” is Drake’s default setting. Meanwhile, another source tells UsWeekly that they’re “just friends.” Which would make sense, because hooking up with dudes is RiRi’s default setting.
I 100% approve this relationship happening again, if only because I really want to see what happens when Drake brings Rihanna to Toronto for a romantic hometown visit. It will be just like The Bachelor, but RiRi style. Instead of having brunch with his mother at home, they’ll all share a bag of Taco Bell while getting lap dances at the Brass Rail. And instead of taking a ride up to the top of the CN Tower and watching the sunset, they can stay on the ground and take a bunch of forced-perspective pictures that make it look like they’re smoking a giant concrete joint. Maybe if they’re lucky, it will be a foggy day and they’ll light the tower up with the red lights that make it look like it’s burning. God, could it get any more romantic?
I wouldn’t be surprised if Sinead O’Connor looked at this picture of Arsenio Hall shaking hands with Prince from The Arsenio Hall Show back in 2014 and thought: “Hmmm…I’m pretty sure I can make out a little plastic baggie of drugs.”
Shortly after Prince left this world and slinked sexily into the next, investigators started looking at whether or not Prince might have died of an overdose. That was Sinead O’Connor’s cue to jump on Facebook and accuse Prince’s “bitch” Arsenio Hall of being the reason why he may have an overdose. Sinead accused Arsenio of being Prince’s hook-up and claimed she had reported Arsenio to the authorities. She also accused him of spiking her drink at Eddie Murphy’s house a long time ago. Arsenio denied all of Sinead’s accusations, but now he’s taking it one step further by suing her for defamation.
Over the weekend, 50 Cent proved that he deserves to keep his spot in the Asshole Hall of Fame after he recorded a video of himself accidentally making fun of a hearing-impaired autistic 19-year-old janitor at the Cincinnati/Northern Kentucky Airport. The man he made fun of, Andrew Farrell, and his family didn’t think it was so funny, and they threatened to sue him for $1 million. Eventually they decided that a sincere apology would be sufficient and scrapped the lawsuit idea. When 50’s apology came in the form of a 51-word statement released to Page Six, they tacked on a $10,000 donation to Autism Speaks.
Obviously, my response to their request that he donate $10,000 to Autism Speaks was “Yeah, good luck with ever seeing that money“, since, you know, 50 claims that he’s broke. In a shocking turn of events, that $10,000 donation to Autism Speaks did happen. It just didn’t have 50 Cent’s name on the check. TMZ says Martin Shkreli, yes the smug-faced jerk who price gouged a bunch of life-saving drugs, went ahead and made that donation.
50 Cent must have realized that it’s not a good situation to be in when Martin Shkreli looks like the good guy, so he opened his wallet and made an even-larger donation to Autism Speaks. TMZ says he added an extra zero onto the original amount and cut a check for $100,000.
I don’t know much about money, but $100,000 is an awful lot of money for a person who filed for bankruptcy. This might be a good way for all of 50 Cent’s creditors to get their money back. They just have to catch 50 Cent doing something dumb (it shouldn’t be hard) and request he make a donation of however much he owes to The Foundation For People Who Want To Get Paid Back By 50 Cent.
“So help me god if the cheap ChapStick on his mouth gives me a $0.99 rash on my organic cheek” is what I imagine Goopy is thinking through that tight smile.
In case you’re not familiar with the concept of the “Free Pass“, it’s an invisible pretend coupon that one person presents to the person they’re with that grants them permission to do stuff with whomever they want. Sometimes it’s someone famous, like Jon Hamm or ScarJo or Jessie Spano’s hot step-brother Eric. Sometimes it’s a person you know, like the sexy cashier who gives you a wink when you buy butt cream at CVS. For Robert Downey Jr., the name written on his Free Pass is “Gwyneth Paltrow.”
RDJ was on The Howard Stern Show yesterday (via UsWeekly) to pimp out his latest reason for receiving a giant paycheck. After hinting that Gwyneth’s Iron Man character will probably make an appearance in another Marvel movie, the conversation turned to how his wife, Susan Downey, is totally fine with her husband making out with Gwyneth on-screen.
“I’m very happily married … but I guess I could dream a bit. My ‘free pass’ is, because her and Susan are such good friends, is Paltrow. I gotta get her back in these movies, so I can make out with her on screen again.”
However, that doesn’t mean that Robert Downey Jr. has permission to hump on Gwyneth in his Iron Man trailer during lunch. RDJ says his wife doesn’t care what happens while the cameras are rolling, but that’s about as far as his Free Pass goes.
That’s pretty loose definition of a Free Pass. No fucking? Free Passes must work differently in Hollywood. Maybe it’s because so many on-screen make-outs have turned into a call to the housekeeper asking them to pack up their stuff and send it in a cab to their co-star’s house. That’s probably what Susan meant with that Free Pass. “Okay, you can kiss on Gwyneth as much as you want. But I swear to god, if you come home one day smelling like mugworth steam…”
Yesterday, Demi Lovato dragged Nicki Minaj for being maybe-shady and not tagging her in an Instagram picture. Demi only came for Nicki on Snapchat and Instagram, and I felt a little cheated, because everyone knows you haven’t truly started shit with someone on social media unless you take a bitchy swipe at them on Twitter. Well, last night Demi completed her mission to create some unnecessary drama by hopping on Twitter and going for it. But she gave Nicki the night off, and went after internet trolls instead.
No, you’re not looking at a picture of your 12-year-old cousin Jayden after he stole a beer bottle out of the recycling bin and snuck up to his room with his mom’s old iPhone to take bad boy selfies. It’s Justin Bieber, and if you can imagine, this story involves him doing something far brattier with a beer and a cellphone. And it might end up forcing him to break open his piggy bank and hand over $100,000.
TMZ says that a man named Robert Earl Morgan has accused Justin Bieber of wrecking his phone at a club in Houston, TX last month. According to the lawsuit, Justin was clearly all excited to be staying up way past his bedtime, because he was acting like a hyperactive nuisance. After he put out a cigarette on his friend’s arm, he allegedly grabbed a beer bong and tried to chug it. Unfortunately, most of the beer ended up all over his face and shirt. Robert had his phone out and was recording the whole thing, which is nice, because who wouldn’t want a video of their first beer bong? Not Justin, apparently. Robert alleges that once Bieber realized he was being filmed, he grabbed Robert’s cellphone and smashed it.
Robert wants more than just a new phone from Justin. Robert wants money, and lots of it. According to Robert, his phone was worth more than a couple hundred dollars. He claims he never got his SIM card back, and it contained pictures from his grandma’s 100th birthday and 5000 pictures from traveling. He also says it contained a bunch of business contacts, losing which have fucked him over, work-wise. He’s suing for up to $100,000.
Justin’s people haven’t said anything about this situation. However, when asked for comment, the tiger that was forced to hang out with Justin Bieber and his dad last weekend said: “He smashed the phone? So there’s no photographic proof that it happened? God, why didn’t I think of that. I’m still too embarrassed to show my face around the other tigers.”
When the trailer for the all-lady Ghostbusters reboot was released two months ago, it made people feel a lot of feelings. For example, joy (seeing Kate McKinnon dressed up like Tank Girl), melancholy (remembering that we’re still waiting on the re-release of Hi-C Ecto Cooler) or horniness (all that sexy slime). But for the most part, it made people really angry. According to YouTube numbers, the Ghostbusters trailer is now the most-disliked movie trailer of all time, as well as one of the 25 most-hated videos in YouTube history. As of this afternoon, 700,560 people have clicked the thumbs-down button on the Ghostbusters trailer. Well, Ghostbusters star Melissa McCarthy has something to say about that, and…yeah, she pretty much agrees that it’s not a great trailer.
Melissa spoke to Johnjay and Rich of iHeart Radio (via Entertainment Weekly) on Monday, and she admitted that she had some questions about that trailer too. Melissa was asked to explain why the trailer opens with the words “30 years ago four scientists saved New York” if this new movie takes place in a world where the original Ghostbusters don’t exist. Melissa doesn’t know, you guys.
“It’s a reboot. I know, it’s weird that they said the ’30 years ago’ because in this movie, the first one didn’t happen…it’s the same thing of four unlikely heroes, it’s in New York City, ghosts are taking over. It’s that same classic story, but it’s not a ’30 years later.’ The trailer says 30 years later, which I didn’t quite get myself. Believe me, the question was asked. I was like, ‘I think that’s very confusing’, but then everyone said ‘We don’t care what you think’ (laughs).”
Oh no, this is how bad movies get made. One person raises their hand and nervously mumbles something about not making sense or being a disaster, and someone in charge hisses “Quiet, you” before going back to their happy place and mentally counting the millions they think they’ll make. Would it be better if it came from Slimer maybe? Slimer, stop eating trash for a second and raise your goddamn green hand. It’s not too late! They’re not done shooting yet. See? Here’s Melissa and Kristen Wiig filming Ghostbusters earlier this week.