Jaden Smith is many things: actor, child of famous people, enlightened intergalactic space philosopher. But did you know he was also once a vampire? It’s true! Well, at least according to Jaden Smith. You know, I always pictured Jaden as more of a wise alien taking the form of a rich teenage earthling, but I was clearly wrong.
The other Amber Rose, Amber Rose Tamblyn, recently announced that she’s knocked up and her husband of four years David Cross is the father. As you can see from the picture above, Amber and David aren’t regular famous people, they’re cool famous people. So I would never expect them to announce they’re having a baby by posting a cheesy black and white picture on Instagram of David caressing Amber’s bump with both their eyes closed. That’s nowhere close to how they announced the news.
Shortly after Kim Kardashian was robbed at gunpoint in her apartment in Paris, sources were saying that Kim was blaming herself for being herself (aka shamelessly flaunting her jewels on social media). Whatever chemicals Khloe Kardashian has been injecting into her face must have seeped into her brain and ate the part responsible for making smart decisions, because last night she flaunted her jewels on Instagram. Slow-é strikes again!
The Hollywood Reporter says that biopics about 1920s jazz legend Zelda Fitzgerald are so in right now, because there are currently two biopics about her in production, one starring popcorn mogul Scarlett Johansson and one starring sassy nacho burp Jennifer Lawrence.
After dropping little hints, like doing the classic hand-over-bump pose at an event last week, Ciara has gone ahead and confirmed what everyone already assumed. That her husband of three months Russell Wilson had sprayed her reproductive goodies with his Jesus-loving sperm and made a baby with her. Ciara took a break from celebrating her 31st birthday last night to announce on Instagram that she was going to be a mom for the second time. That Lifetouch-looking pregnancy portrait you see above was accompanied by the following caption:
“On this special Birthday I received an abundance of love from friends and family…and I’m excited to Finally share one of the Greatest Gifts of All that God could give….👶🏽🍼💃🏽☺️❤️”
Russell Wilson posted the same picture but changed his caption to: “The Greatest Blessing of All. Forever Grateful. #BabyWilsonOnTheWay.” This will be 27-year-old Russell’s first kid. Ciara has a two-year-old son, Future Zahir, that she made with (and is currently caught in the middle of a messy lawsuit fight with) her ex-fiancé Future. Why do I get the feeling that Future’s baby shower gift to Russell will be a copy of What To Expect When Your Baby Mama Sues You and Tries To Get Sole Custody of Your Kid.
I’m a little surprised Ciara got knocked up with Russell’s baby so quickly. Ciara and Russell finally got to have sex a little over three months ago after being abstinent for a long-ass time. Russell’s sperm hadn’t been inside a lady for so long that I expected it was going to take at least six months of acting like easily-distracted tourists before one of them stopped sightseeing around Ciara’s business and made its way to the egg.
Whoever cut that trailer knows exactly what the Gilmore Girls audience wants: cake frosting ejaculation jokes! Thanks, Netflix.
Netflix’s 4-episode series Gilmore Girls: A Year in the Life debuts on November 25th, and the first official trailer was released today. For people who have zero interest in a mother-daughter team who talk like they’ve been snorting coke and mainlining coffee all day, the trailer will feel like a two-and-a-half minute long commercial for American Girl’s new line of Barbie-style dolls called Wholesome Gals. But for the rest of us losers, it pretty much takes us right back to the Gilmore Girls we left behind. Both Lauren Graham and Alexis Bledel look the exact same. It must be all that speed-talking. It never gives the skin on their face a chance to settle.
Everyone makes an appearance. There’s Luke, Kirk, Paris, a giant painted tribute to the dearly departed Edward Hermann, Jess, Dean, the Gilmore Guys and the will-she-or-won’t-she-show-up of the new series Melissa McCarthy. I know we’re all supposed to be really excited that Melissa McCarthy is back, but her appearance was overshadowed by Sally Struthers and Liz Torres at the 1:56 mark. Fingers are crossed Gilmore Girls: A Year in the Life will be a ratings hit that prompts Netflix to give us what we really want: a six-episode spin-off called Babette and Miss Patty: 24 Wild Hours.
And shout out to that joke about Tori Spelling’s hibachi grill incident at Benihana! I bet Tori Spelling is already on the phone with SAG-AFTRA to see if using her name in a joke can be classified as a paid acting gig.