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Open Post: Hosted By A Pregnant Zoe Saldana Pole Dancing At The Airport

September 21, 2014 / Posted by:

Even though they’re usually designed to look like a less-fun adult Disney World (Moving walkways! Souvenir stands! A futuristic photobooth that can see thought your clothes and take a picture of your junk!), there’s nothing magical about the airport. It’s boring as shit! There’s nothing to do besides getting drunk on $19 beers and eating stale plates of $30 nachos at Chili’s Too. But it looks like Zoe Saldana found a way to kill time before her flight that didn’t involve stepping foot inside that airport hellhole. Zoe posted a video to Instagram of her and her hot Fabio-haired hipster husband Marco Perego trying to bust a stripper move inside one of the people movers at the Washington Dulles airport with the caption:

“Let’s do that again!!! Absolute boredom at #Dulles airport. #poledancing is difficult under these conditions Hahahaha”

I know Zoe is pregnant with two babies, but that’s no excuse for such busted sloppy moves! Good lord Zoe, what was that even? She looks like me every time someone dares my clumsy ass to slide down a fireman’s pole (not a euphemism). Fetus fever is no excuse for not bringing your top-shelf slut game! I’ve known strippers in their third trimester who could still whip around like total pros. The trick is to use your hands to protect your womb (safety first!) while you grip the pole with your coochie lips. Don’t they teach this shit in childbirth classes?

(via E! News)

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Stop Me If You’ve Heard This One: Lauryn Hill Had A Shitty Show In London Last Night

September 21, 2014 / Posted by:

Every time I hear about former Fugees member Lauryn Hill taking a giant messy life shit, all I can think of is Sister Mary Clarence giving her a ‘good god girl, get your shit together’ face. According to The Independent, it all started when Lauryn Hill pulled a Lauryn Hill by showing up to her 8:30pm show at the O2 Brixton Academy last night an hour and a half late. DUH! It takes time to look like an Amish Project Runway Diana Ross.

Sensing that the crowd was starting to get impatient waiting for the elusive tax-paying chanteuse to arrive, Lauryn’s warm-up DJ Tieks decided to hype up the crowd by asking if any of them were from the West Coast…of America. A gesture that made no goddamned sense to the UK audience:

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Gabrielle Union Is Sending The FBI After The Hacker Who Leaked Her Nude Pics Yesterday

September 21, 2014 / Posted by:

So the sequel to The Fappening happened yesterday (The Fappening 2: Electric Lube-aloo), and included on the list of celebrities who’s titty pics were leaked was Isis from Bring It On, aka Gabrielle Union. And just like you can sort of tell in this picture above, Gabrielle wasn’t here for that shit. Instead of pulling a Shaggy like Ariana Grande and Victoria Justice did and claiming “IT WASN’T ME” in the stolen nipple pics, TMZ says that Gabrielle has told her legal team to call up the FBI. Gabrielle also decided to publicly address the situation by releasing a joint statement with her husband Dwayne Wade, in which they slap at the pic-hacking asshole responsible and offer support to everyone else who found pics of their parts online yesterday:

“It has come to our attention that our private moments, that were shared and deleted solely between my husband and myself, have been leaked by some vultures. I can’t help but to be reminded that since the dawn of time women and children, specifically women of color, have been victimized, and the power over their own bodies taken from them. These atrocities against women and children continue worldwide. For anyone out there also being affected by these and other hacking and hate crimes – We send our love, support and prayers. We have done nothing wrong.”

Meanwhile, Kim Kardashian is putting together a gift basket filled with Hooker’s Choice Diskount Spray Tanner and Executive TRAMP-brand too-tight stripper skirts as a way to say thanks for cutting out the middle man (Pimp Mama Kris) and saving her some time.

It sounds like already there are already people who need Gabrielle and Dwayne’s love and support; TMZ says that early this morning, hacked pictures of Rihanna made their way onto the internet. How DARE that hacker! THE AUDACITY! There are plenty of pictures of Princess Ooh-Na-Na’s nipples on the internet; they didn’t have to start stealing from her personal stash! That’s dark-sided! Rihanna is kind enough to share pictures of her intergalactic fuck parts, but you have to ask first! “Please Princess RiRi, may I see your beautiful Barbadian booby balls?” Only RiRi should get to decide who sees her outer space nipple pellets!

Pic: Instagram

Tom Hardy Might Have Gotten Secret Married Two Months Ago

September 21, 2014 / Posted by:

In case you’re wondering, he maybe got secret married to the one on the left; I thought I’d specify, because if you’re anything like me, you heard the words TOM HARDY and MARRIED and secretly hoped it was to a dog. No, according to the Mirror, Tom Hardy (seen here wearing what appears to be a pair of jeans he got from an NSYNC garage sale back in 2003) got secretly married to his girlfriend of 5 years Charlotte Riley over two months ago. Secret weddings – so hot right now!

A source claims the two tied the knot on July 4th at a fancy-ass 18th Century castle in the South of France in front of a small group of friends and family, including Tom’s six-year-old son Louis with actress Rachael Speed. No word on whether their dog Woodstock (seen above, looking all kinds of adorable) took part in the ceremony, but I’ll just assume he was the best man, because imagining a dog in a doggy-tuxedo is a mental picture that always takes me higher.

Charlotte has admitted in the past that she always wanted to get married, but that she would never plan an obnoxiously tacky charade of a wedding like some people, saying: “We are desperate to do it, but I’ll never have a celebrity wedding. It will be low-key, with family and friends.” And it sounds like that’s exactly what they got. A “family source” (aka chatty Aunt Carol) told The Sun:

“It was a beautiful, low-key day made even more special because they just had their closest friends and family around them.Tom’s son Louis played a key role during the ceremony. And they made certain to pick a stunning and private setting. There was nothing flash about the wedding, they always said they wanted it to be about the two of them and their family rather than any grand gesture.”

Oh, Aunt Carol – that gossip-loving trick. Tom and Charlotte try to hold a low-key secret wedding and you run off and spill the beans to the press. You can’t ever trust Aunt Carol! Aunt Carol will un-secret your secret every time! And yet, that loose-lipped bitch still said NOTHING about Woodstock! Goddamn it, Carol, get your shit together! I wanna know about Woodstock! Did he get so drunk at the reception that he tried to hump the priest’s leg? Come on Carol, spill it!

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An L.A. Lawyer Has Been Photoshopping Herself Into Pictures With Random Celebrities And Passing Them Off As Clients

September 19, 2014 / Posted by:

In “You should know better, you’re a goddamn lawyer” news, a Los Angeles lawyer named Svitlana Sangary is in deep legal shit this week after she got caught Photoshopping herself into pictures with an assortment of high-profile celebrities and posting them to her website in an attempt to lure in new clients. The Daily Mails says that shady bitch Svitlana Photoshopped herself rubbing elbows with more than 50 celebrities, including George Clooney, Jamie Foxx, Barbra Streisand, Donald Trump, and Leo DiCaprio. She even went so far as to Photoshop herself into a picture with President Barack Obama. And I guess she was also trying to corner the lucrative trash market, because she also Photoshopped herself into a picture with Paris Hilton and High Klass Hooker Kim. Hey, dumb assholes need legal representation too, right?

Unfortunately, it was pretty obvious the pics were fake, because several of them showed Svitlana looking like a damn life-sized cardboard cut-out. That stupid bitch forgot to use different pictures of herself! That’s when the State Bar stepped in and asked the Supreme Court to suspend her license for six months and put her on probation for three years for “deceptive advertising”, aka trying to trick people into thinking she was the A-list attorney to the STAHS!

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Keanu Reeves Found A Strange Lady In His House And Acted Very Keanu Reeves-y About It

September 19, 2014 / Posted by:

Earlier this week, the human equivalent of the word “Duuuude“, Keanu Reeves, received the world’s worst wake-up call (I mean, all wake-up calls are the worst, but this one was particularly bogus) after a strange lady broke into his house at 4am while he was sleeping. TMZ says that Keanu was woken up early Monday morning when he heard sounds coming from his library. When he got up to check if his books had come to life (you know part of him did), he discovered a lady in her mid-40s sitting on a chair.

But instead of freaking out and trying to whoop a trick, Matrix-style, by throwing a bunch of books in slow-motion while screaming “WHAT IF I TOLD YOU TO GET THE FUCK OUT?!?“, Keanu calmly approached her and asked why she was in his house. She explained she was there to meet him, so he politely excused himself to another room, called 911, and she was taken away by police for a psychiatric evaluation. TMZ says that Keanu’s house is built like a fort, so it’s amazing she managed to get in at all. Unfortunately, he didn’t set his security alarm before he went to bed, and she was able to sneak in pretty easily.

Keanu was way more chill in that situation than I would be. Last week, I was woken up by a scratching sound outside by bedroom window. Immediately I started sweating profusely; I was convinced it was Leatherface or the Candyman. Knowing I was too scared to do shit, I started bargaining with Dorito Jesus to spare my life and promising that I’d never call Kim Kardashian a drowsy-faced goblin hooker ever again. Yes, I was THAT scared. Eventually I got up the nerve to grab an aluminum baseball bat and see what the noise was. Turns out it was a possum taking a shit on the porch. The possum literally shot me a look like “Bitch, is everything ok? You are a MESS!” Clearly I need a Keanu in my life to teach me how to calm the fuck down a bit.

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Avril Lavigne And Chad Kroeger’s Marriage Is Dead Because She’s Convinced He’s Going To Cheat On Her

September 19, 2014 / Posted by:

I don’t know if it’s the 3 slices of coconut cream pie I just ate or picturing Chad Kroeger rubbing his ramen noodle-pubed trouser worm on the greasy crotches of a bunch of random mouth-breathing Nickelback groupies, but I feel very very ill all of a sudden. You’re right, it’s definitely not the pie. It’s never the pie.

So it looks like we might finally have a reason for why the Manic Panic Pixie Dream Goblin and the come-to-life AXE-scented wallet chain called it quits on their douche-approved union. According to Radar, Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger have spent the last couple months of their 14-month marriage fighting like cats and dogs (or a busted Hello Kitty sticker and an inbred Cocker Spaniel) over several things:

1. Avril can’t trust Chad to keep it in his pants. Chad cheated on his ex-girlfriend with Avril, and now she’s afraid he’ll skip out on her after humping on another kohl-eyed Hot Topic troll

2. Avril has fetus fever (oh lord NO) but Chad doesn’t want a baby right now because he’s about to go on tour

3. Avril’s last album, Avril Lavigne, went triple bismuth (9 copies in Saskatoon) and she blames the album’s failure on Chad because he produced it

So basically, Avril and Chad are the low-budget Labatt Blue Spencer’s Gifts version of Tori and The Deaner. YES I SAID LOW BUDGET; Tori and The Deaner are the gold standard for messy dum-dum cheater marriages.

Personally I’m kind of surprised these are the straws that broke the moose’s back. Cheating and a baby? I was hoping Canada’s Royal Couple would bring the drama in a more Canadian way. Where’s the story about Avril selling all of Chad’s Corner Gas DVDs in a garage sale? Or Chad eating Avril’s Swiss Chalet left-overs from the fridge? You let me down, you two!

Beyoncé Apparently Broke The News About Baby No. 2 At Kelly Rowland’s Baby Shower

September 19, 2014 / Posted by:

When Jay-Z casually (read: deliberately, as was instructed by Beyoncé and her cabal of sentient wigs) alluded to an unnamed “she” being pregnant with her second child during one of the last We Want Attention shows in Paris last Saturday, it might not actually have been the BREAKING BEY-BY NEWS we thought it was. According to OK! magazine (via Hollywood Life), Beyoncé spilled the bey-eans that she’s started shopping for pillows back in August at Kelly Rowland’s baby shower.

An attendee claims that Bey told her friends at the party that “Baby No. 2 was on the way”, which obviously means she received confirmation that the Illuminati has shipped her new baby from their headquarters under the Pentagon and it should arrive between 32 to 36 weeks. Please pay all applicable taxes and duties upon delivery. Sorry, no refunds.

But back to Beyoncé announcing the news of her second bey-by at Kelly Rowland’s baby shower. Would Beyoncé actually make Kelly’s special day all about Beyoncé? SHE WOULD! There’s no way Beyoncé was ever going to let Kelly “Second Lead Vocalist” Rowland steal the spotlight! I bet she walked in with a diaper cake like “Kelly, this diaper cake is for…MOI! Because I’m going to have another baby! Aren’t you all thrilled? Kelly, ask your fetus if it’s thrilled. Then ask your fetus to stay 3 feet behind me, because it’s sort-of in my spotlight.

Meanwhile, Michelle Williams just found out the news today. No, not Bey’s baby news; the news that Kelly Rowland had a baby shower. “Uh…I guess my invitation got lost in the mail? Yeah, that’s it.

Sherri Shepherd’s Ex Won’t Stop Talking About The Surrogate Baby She “Abandoned”

September 18, 2014 / Posted by:

Lamar Sally, the shameless gold-digging grifter who’s currently trying to scam child support money out of Sherri Shepherd for a surrogate baby he helped make solely for the purpose of trying to scam child support money, gave an EXCLUSIVE interview to People (aka People found him loitering in the parking lot and felt sorry for him) regarding said baby and his relationship with the baby’s mother. No, not his surrogate mother, his REAL MOTHER – the one who wants nothing to do with him!

Lamar told People that ever since lil’ Lamar Sally Jr. (I guess Son of Useless Shitbag was already taken?) was born via-surrogate on August 5th, his estranged wife hasn’t made an attempt to meet her son. You know, the son she believes was conceived as an excuse for Lamar to take an 18-year-long all-expenses-paid life vacation. Even though Lamar Jr. wasn’t made using Sherri’s eggs and Sherri has shown zero interest in him, Lamar Sr. claims he’s fighting to add Sherri’s name to the baby’s birth certificate because he truly believes Lamar Jr. needs to know who his mommy is:

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Amal Alamuddin’s Parents Will Foot The Bill For Her And George Clooney’s Wedding

September 18, 2014 / Posted by:

Even though George Clooney has enough money to fly to Uranus, buy 4 aliens, bring them back to Earth, fill a 24-karat gold Olympic-sized swimming pool with Dom Perignon, and challenge them to a relay race against 3 rare white tigers and Michael Phelps every week for the rest of his life (that’s the kind of crazy shit rich-as-fuck people do, right?), Us Weekly says he won’t be spending a dime on his wedding to Amal Alamuddin.

A source claims that Amal’s family is keeping shit traditional and will pay for most of George Clooney’s Italian Wedding Showbiz Spectacular when it happens later this month, although according to Gossip Cop, that source is a lie-teller and George is paying for the whole thing. Regardless, I like to think Amal’s parents offered to pay because they truly believe their daughter is marrying just some sitcom actor. “It’s okay George, we’ve got this; we know you haven’t done much since Roseanne.

This reminds me of a wedding I went to where the groom’s family agreed to pay for an open bar if the bride’s family paid for everything else. Cut to the reception where everyone is drinking champagne flutes filled with sparkling air because those cheap bastards spent a total of $50 of booze. Like, 2 cases of beer, a bottle of off-brand “vodka-style” alcohol, and a box of wine. It was a joke! That shit was done before the second chorus of “Mony Mony.” Not to mention that the groom’s family were all a bunch of food-hungry maniacs who just destroyed the buffet. By the time my table was called, all that was left was a dry corner of lasagna and a malnourished chicken wing, because they ran out of food. It was inevitable! The bride’s family was broke and practically had to sell the damn farm in order to afford to feed everyone! And yes, this wedding took place in a community center and most of the guests wore cut-off shorts. How did you know?

So I guess what I’m saying is, I hope Clooney slips his future mother and father-in-law a couple private jets or their own island to thank them for agreeing to pay for the wedding, because you know they’re spending A LOT. The budget for Brad Pitt’s personal make-your-own sundae bar alone is probably close to $4,000 (“George! Make sure they get a case of Fritos, man!“)

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