Ben Affleck Says That Jennifer Takes Care Of The “Lion’s Share” Of The Responsibilities In Their Life
On Wednesday night, Jennifer Garner hosted something called the Save the Children Illumination Gala (not to be confused with the Children of the Illuminati Gala, which is hosted every year by Blue Ivy Carter, or “Save that Child!“, the words you shout every time you see a picture of Kim Kardashian holding North West) and one of the awards they handed out was to her husband Ben Affleck. But before Jen presented her husband with an award on stage, Page Six says Ben presented his wife with some thank yous for taking care of all the boring shit at home while he fucks off and plays Batman:
The 42-year-old actor says he’s grateful that his wife takes on the “lion’s share” of responsibilities, dedicating her time to raising their three young children, while maintaining her career and charity work.
“She’s been really smart about choosing her projects, doing ‘Dallas Buyers Club’ or ‘Alexander and the Terrible Day,’ smart, good movies that luckily have been successful. And then, they’re not so time-consuming that she can’t do this work and be there for our kids, which is the most important thing to her.”
Then he added (he totally didn’t): “I really can’t thank her enough for taking care of the kids, because Daddy likes to do a lot of stuff that isn’t exactly kid-friendly, if you catch my drift. I can only imagine that the only thing casinos like less than finding out you’ve been counting cards is discovering that you’ve snuck in a couple of minors so you could play a couple quick hands of blackjack.”
And all that talk about “lion’s share” of the work just made me picture Jennifer Garner dragging an antelope by her teeth through the backyard while a meerkat and a warthog sing a catchy song about taking it easy.
Here’s more of Ben and Jen looking like two uncomfortable teenagers getting their picture taken before the prom at the Save the Children Gala last night:
On Saturday, Jose Canseco – the human manifestation of the word DURR – made everyone do a quick reach for the brain bleach when he tweeted that the middle finger he accidentally shot off while cleaning his guns several weeks earlier and had reattached at a later date by (I’m assuming) Dr. Nick Riviera’s less-qualified cousin, had fallen off during a poker game. Jose even claimed that there was a video of his rotten hand sausage falling on to the poker table, so naturally, purveyors of good taste TMZ asked Jose if they could get a copy. That’s when Jose came clean and said there was no video of his frankenfinger falling off, because it never happened.
TMZ says that Jose admitted that he decided to pull the gross prank after he saw a fake severed finger at a Halloween store and thought it would be funny to pretend it was his and sell it on eBay. Wait, hold up, stop the ride – Jose pulled his finger “prank” on November 15th, two whole weeks after Halloween. Are we to assume it took him more than two weeks to compose a tweet that said “Whoops my busted finger fell off“? Actually, it’s Jose Canseco we’re talking about – I should be more surprised that it only took his brain two weeks. Carry on!
So what did happen to Jose’s frankenfinger? According to TMZ, it’s still there on his hand – even though Jose has been tweeting all week that he only has nine fingers, like in this love poem he wrote:
That’s probably not even part of the prank; that’s just Jose confusing the fake Halloween finger for the real thing. “Oh shit, my finger fell off again! And when did I get these vampire teeth? Looks like Jose is a 9-fingered dracula now.”
Today just keeps getting worse. First the Duchess of Alba gets called up to Heaven to join the rest of the angels, and now the man who gave us Working Girl AND The Birdcage is gone. Today is a three butter tart kind of day.
ABC News has confirmed that legendary director and EGOT winner Mike Nichols passed away suddenly on Wednesday night from cardiac arrest at the age of 83. Mike Nichols (born Mikhail Igor Peschkowsky) arrived in New York City after fleeing from Nazi Germany when he was 7 years old, and started to get really into theatre, which eventually led him to meeting his future comedy partner Elaine May. Nichols and May release three comedy albums, one of which won them a Grammy Award. Then he went on to direct a bunch of plays, including Barefoot in the Park and The Odd Couple, which both won him Tony Awards.
After killing it at comedy and killing it at theatre, Mike Nichols was like “Well, time to go kill it in Hollywood“, and started making all the best movies to watch when you’re hungover on a Saturday afternoon: Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?, The Graduate, The Birdcage, Working Girl, Silkwood, Postcards from the Edge. Then I guess Mike Nichols got tired of looking at all his Oscars and Tonys and decided he wanted an Emmy, so he went to HBO and made Wit and Angels in America. And now I’m sure he’s up in Heaven setting up a camera crew and clearing space on his cloud mantle for the first of his many Angies (the award they give out in Heaven).
Mike Nichols leaves behind three children, four grandchildren, and his wife of 26 years Diane Sawyer.
Rest in peace, Mike Nichols. You gave me Agador Spartacus, and for that I will be forever thankful.
The last time we checked in on Lady Gaga, she was pledging her allegiance to her fans, the Little Monsters, by getting the severed hand of a witch suffering from a chronic case of eczema tattooed on her left shoulder. Because nothing says “I love you guys” like a rash-covered claw, right? Anyways, last night she decided to prove her love to the Little Monsters once again and got the words “Mother Monster” with some paisley swirls tattooed just below her armpit. Move over, rashy claw – you’re old news! Go join the 36 other tattoos floating randomly around Gaga’s body.
Just like last time, Gaga made sure to Instagram 4 million pictures of the whole thing, including a video featuring an extreme close-up of her stubble-covered armpit. I know armpits are normal and everybody has them, but good lord, are they ever gross when you get in that close. Seeing Gaga’s reminded me of the first time I tried to wax my own sub-basement and – you know what? I’m stopping there. Gaga’s armpit is already too much, I don’t need you dry heaving over my parts too.
And it’s great that Gaga got another tattoo for her fans, but did she really have to specify that she’s the Mother Monster? That would be like if Jimmy Buffett got a tattoo that said “Papa Parrothead“. The Parrotheads know who their leader is! I would assume the Little Monsters are the same.
Here’s Lady Gaga showing off her new armpit tattoo in some kind of Lisa Frank drug fart onesie while taking her dog for a walk in Manchester today, and then changing into something equally weird and adding a helmet:
Back in July, a bunch of dramatic shit went down between Taryn Manning (aka crazy meth-mouthed hillbilly princess Pennsatucky from OITNB) and her former friend Jeanine Heller that ended with Taryn and Jeanine getting slapped with a mutual restraining order after neither would stop sending each other nasty texts and dragging each other on social media. Even Taryn’s dog Penguin got dragged into that mess. Poor Penguin – he doesn’t need that shit!
Not surprisingly, Taryn and Jeanine weren’t able to go more than 24-hours without antagonizing each other. Jeanine ended up being the first to get arrested for violating their mutual restraining order, and now it looks like it’s Taryn’s turn. According to TMZ, Taryn recently started sending a bunch of not-nice texts and messages through social media to Jeanine, like “Go fuck yourself and die” and “I will kill you, bitch“. Jeanine took them to court, and a judge determined on Tuesday that sending death threats is a clear violation of their restraining order. DUH! Unfortunately, Taryn didn’t show up to court, so the judge cited her for contempt and told police to arrest her ass.
However, according to Taryn Manning, she was never arrested and TMZ’s story is BS. Taryn took to Twitter to explain that despite being as crazy as the character she plays on TV, you won’t see her in an orange jumpsuit any time soon:
Anna Wintour Admits That Putting Kim And Kanye Kardashian On The Kover Of Vogue Was A Stunt Queen Move
When Anna Wintour put the Cheap n’ Tacky Twins on the cover of VOGUE seven months ago, most of us assumed it was because she was getting sick of waking up every morning to 30 new voice mail messages left by Kanye West that start with him begging her to help him turn his porn star-turned-reality star girlfriend into a high klass lady, and end with him crying “IT’S NOT FAIR! I WANT IT!”
But it turns out it actually had nothing to do with Kanye throwing a tantrum or a kall from Kim Kardashian’s agent, Lucifer H. Satan. During an interview with Alina Cho for Fashionista at the MET on Monday night, Anna Wintour admitted that she put the Cheap n’ Tacky Twins on the cover of VOGUE because she knew it would be controversial and get VOGUE some much-needed attention. Then she made buttholes everywhere pucker with delight when she hissed this perfectly wonderful air-kiss to the drowsy hooker queen and her current husband:
“I think if we just remain deeply tasteful and just put deeply tasteful people on the cover, it would be a rather boring magazine! Nobody would talk about us. It’s very important that people do talk about us.”
At first I wanted to kick out a chair and tell that penis head haired-looking trick to take a seat for using those two dumb fame whores to get attention, but then she came in like a cunty cloud and threw that beautiful shade and I melted into a puddle of happiness. I always forget how devastating a good backhanded compliment can be! It’s easy to call Kim Kardashian a tacky trampy plastic-assed narcoleptic-faced hooker, but it takes a bitch working at a whole ‘nother level to describe her as “not deeply tasteful“.
If only Pink, the orphan Kim wanted to adopt from Thailand, had read Anna’s interview before she spoke to The Daily Mail about not wanting to get adopted into that family of fame-humping trash. Instead of saying “It wouldn’t be good for me“, she could have said “I’m not ready to drop out of school and become a full-time fame whore, so it wouldn’t be good for Kim and Pimp Mama Kris.”
Here’s Kim looking like a factory second Real Doll and wearing another rubber skirt while hustling her new toilet water (sorry, eau de toilette) in Australia:
I know – “replace” is entirely the wrong word; nobody could ever replace the exquisite insult-hissing showstopper that was Joan Rivers. Maybe “keep her seat warm until she decides to return from beyond the grave as a gorgeous ageless ghost to haunt the tragic fashion disasters of awards season” is a better word. And according to TMZ, that person replacing the seat left vacant by Joan on Fashion Police is going to be sunset-colored comedian Kathy Griffin.
A source connected with the show (the makeup artist in charge of transforming Giuliana Rancic from a grasshopper to a human-looking grasshopper, perhaps) has confirmed to TMZ that it’s a done deal and Kathy will be joining Giuliana, the enchanted come-to-life bag of Dolly Mix Kelly Osbourne, and Melissa Rivers. No word on whether George Kotsiopoulos will also be coming back or if he’s currently crying into a pile of tasteful $79.99 QVC wrap dresses (they’re always wrap dresses and they’re always $79.99). The source also says that Fashion Police will no longer be a weekly show, and instead will air it as a special program to coincide with big events, like the Academy Awards.
I’m sure there are 1,284,365 Joan Rangers screaming “NO! TERRIBLE CHOICE!” at the top of their lungs while clutching their favorite Joan Rivers Classics Collection statement necklace, but I’m glad they chose Kathy. Kathy once tried to blow Anderson Cooper on live TV and isn’t afraid to dress like a near-sighted Daytona Beach truck stop stripper. A messy middle-aged trick who doesn’t give a fuck? Come on, it’s what Joan would have wanted.
One Direction’s Zayn Malik Is Pissed At Matt Lauer For Implying That He’s Got A Drug Problem On Live TV
On Monday morning, professional smug DILF (I know, I can’t with me either) Matt Lauer sat down with the twinks of One Direction to discuss the release of their upcoming album Four on the TODAY show, and maybe they were sticking with a theme, because only four of them showed up. Zayn Malik (aka the hot one)(aka I’m ashamed I wrote that) was a no-show for their appearance and performance at Universal Studios Orlando, so naturally Matt Lauer asked where the hell he was. Liam Payne answered by explaining that Zayn had a “tummy bug” and couldn’t make the trip. That’s when that nosy bitch Matt started interrogating them about just how [obnoxiously sarcastic air-quotes] “sick” Zayn actually is, and implying that he’s actually at home with a case of the bad shit shakes:
“There’s obviously a lot of concern, a lot of fans have been tweeting overnight. There’s been a lot of action on social media about him. Is it something more serious than just a minor illness? There have been rumors of substance abuse. What’s going on?”
Once again, Liam stressed to Matt that Zayn is at home sick and there’s nothing shady going on and he’s definitely not smoking weed in the back of a van somewhere , while the rest of One Direction sat there awkwardly and looking like they’d rather be sitting through a 3-hour beard contract negotiation meeting with Taylor Swift. Well, I guess Zayn had access to a TV wherever he was recovering (Promises Manchester. NO!), because he heard Matt talking shit about him and ran off to The Sun to tell them how pissed off he is that the TODAY show would come for him like that.
Professional mopey person Kristen Stewart got some attention last Friday night by flashing her nipple bits while presenting Julianne Moore with a Hollywood Film Award, and causing everyone watching at home to mentally present her with the award for Messiest Female Performance (Messiest Male of course went to Johnny Depp). But according to Hollywood Life, Kristen doesn’t give a rat’s hot ass that her titty Skittles made a surprise appearance during a fancy award show. A source close to Kristen (that dejected gopher on her head) said:
“She is not worried about it. It’s not a big deal. If people want to see her naked, she’d rather it be from the movies she has done with nudity, but this happened and she has already forgotten about it. It’s not like the Fappening and certainly not the worst thing cameras have caught from her. Not a big deal at all.”
I’m sure that “worst thing cameras have caught” the source is referring to is getting caught letting a married director snack on her taco salad in a Mini Cooper, but I choose to believe it’s getting caught looking like Chuckie Finster’s busted coke-snorting half-sister.
So Scowly McWhatever doesn’t care that you saw her nipples…or does she??? Celeb Dirty Laundry seems to think KStew orchestrated the whole thing in an attempt to rebrand herself and get better movie roles. That sneaky human shoulder shrug! But why would she have to flash her nipz to do that? Maybe KStew is trying to score the lead role in Lifetime’s Not Without My Nipples: The Scout Willis Story or something.
But if she is, in fact, trying to rebrand herself as “Not Just The Mopey Hipster Chick From Twilight“, maybe she should start by not always looking like the mopey hipster chick from Twilight? Or at the very least, not the mopey hipster dude from Twilight. Here’s Kristen looking like a lazy cosplay of Robert Pattinson at LAX yesterday:
According to Woman’s Day Magazine (via The Daily Mail) George Clooney and his wife of two months, Fancy Lawyer Barbie (human name: Amal Clooney) are apparently looking to adopt a baby friend. However, not just any baby will do (sorry, crazy woman at the end of my street who is always trying to give away baby bunnies); a source claims that George and Amal want to get a baby from a “war-torn country”, because they want to use the adoption to “highlight the plight of orphans in countries like Syria.”
Obviously, adopting a baby from a war-torn county like Syria would make sense for those two, since Amal is a fancy human rights lawyer and George loves attention. But those Syrian babies might want to hold off on packing their bags for Lake Como and learning how to say “I said I wanted sparkling spring water in my bottle!” in Italian; a rep for George tells Gossip Cop that the rumor that he and Amal are baby shopping is “100% fabricated.”
Even though Georgie’s rep says this adoption business is bullshit, I still want to believe that George and Amal will adopt a baby. But why does it have to be a baby? Why not a full-grown adult? I want to live at their fancy-ass house in Italy! Amal and George are super into helping people and shit, so I’m sure if they saw me, they’d be like “Why does she smell like Monster energy drink? Is she using bar soap as shampoo? Oh dear god, this human needs our help.“