Chris Stark, who you may or may not know as the star of that awkwardly charming Mila Kunis interview, once again found himself in the middle of an awkward BBC Radio 1 interview with Jennifer Aniston, except this time it wasn’t so much charming as it was deeply cringeworthy. Us Weekly says Chris’s boss Scott Mills spoke to Jennifer Aniston before the interview and convinced her to help him pull a prank on Chris by reacting to every one of his questions with a face full of NO. And she did it, because if Jenny wants that Horrible Bosses 3 paycheck, she needs to first hustle the hell out of Horrible Bosses 2.
I have to give a slow clap to Jennifer Aniston, because whenever I try to prank someone (ie. every day at 4pm when I call my sister at work pretending to be the IRS) my dumb ass always end up breaking character 3 seconds in. But Jenny kept it together the whole time. It’s like she was pretending that every question he asked her was about Angelina Jolie. Meanwhile, poor Chris Stark is sitting there all confused like “Bloody ‘ell, why is she so pissed? Not once have I asked her about Angelina!”
And if you watch this video for anything, it should be for Chris Stark stuttering over the words “bloke’s parts” at the 4:05 mark. BLOKE’S PARTS! Thanks for the charming new term for dicks and balls, Chris!
In case you want to see what Jennifer Aniston would look like wearing a shirt made out of your mother’s living room sheers, here’s Jenny arriving to Jimmy Kimmel Live! on Monday:
It appears the feud between The Divine Miss M and the come-to-life Ever After High doll has ended before it really even got started. After Bette Midler called her out for working the sexy baby hooker angle to sell records during an interview with The Telegraph, Ariana Grande Latte responded by posting an old ass picture of Bette with her tits out in a mermaid bikini to Twitter along with a comment about the Bette she loved being a non-judgmental feminist, and that she still planned to quote The First Wives Club every day regardless of what this new pearl-clutching Bette thinks.
Well, Bette clearly received Ariana’s message calling her out for being a whore-shaming hypocrite, because last night Bette tweeted Bette’s version of an apology:
The only thing that makes me sadder than seeing someone hit reverse on the shade they threw is the term “reformed old whore”. You should never deny your whore heritage, especially as you enter your twilight years! A whore is like a fine French wine or a fancy cheese; they only get better with age. Pull that shell bra out of storage and let your inner old whore out, Bette!
Then again, maybe Bette is trolling. “Beautiful voice“? That seems suspicious. “Passable karaoke-version of Mariah Carey voice“, maybe, but beautiful? I see you Bette.
But back to Ariana Grande Latte’s comment about quoting The First Wives Club every day. I don’t know if that is supposed to make me like her more or less. What am I saying? I doubt she’s actually watched it. She probably just saw a super cut of that trampy bitch Shelly Stewart and was like “THAT! I WANT TO BE THAT!“
Leave it t professional polyester life mess Dina Lohan to find a way to make Michael Lohan’s wedding seem even trashier. Oh, White Oprah – how I’ve missed you, you gorgeous wine-scented butter-colored cocker spaniel. On Tuesday, TMZ broke the news that human ball rash Michael Lohan had married former Jon Gosselin humper and current knocked-up drunk muppet Kate Major on a beach in Florida last month. But White Oprah isn’t so sure about the whole thing.
TMZ caught up with The Ghost of Lindsay Lohan Future at LAX yesterday and asked if she knew about her ex-husband getting married (since his own kids sure as hell didn’t), and Dina answers that Michael texted her and told her he didn’t actually get married, adding the 4 words that most accurately define White Oprah: “I’m kind of confused.” That’s when TMZ tells Dina that there are pictures of Michael and Kate’s wedding, to which Dina calls bullshit, saying: “I don’t know, he said he didn’t, but then again…“. And because she’s nicknamed White Oprah for a reason, she ends the conversation by telling TMZ to “Follow the light“. I think she means the light to the fridge. Follow the light, and you’ll always find a chilled box of white wine!
Oh boy, who to believe? The messy lie-telling parent who says they got married or the messy lie-telling parent who says they didn’t? I mean, there’s a 98% chance that White Oprah was three sheets to the wind when they spoke to her in the airport, and she’s probably recalling a text conversation from 4 years ago, but there’s an even greater chance that Lindsay’s attention whore of a father faked the whole thing to get attention. The only way to get the truth is to interrogate Kate Major’s trash rat acrylic nails. Exquisite amateur porn star blowjob nail tips never lie!
I’m not sure why Rihanna is dressed like a late-90s JNCO-wearing E-gobbling Bif Naked-loving suburban skate park raver, but I don’t hate it – Lainey Gossip
Claudia Jordan from RHOA is wearing a dress that I can only describe as Sexy Mega Man, and now I’m really curious what that says about me (“It says you’re a huge nerd!” screamed my vintage Nintendo video game collection) – Reality Tea
Reese Witherspoon’s daughter Ava Phillippe is serving up some sassy teenage Glimmer from She-Ra realness, and that’s never a bad thing – Celebitchy
And that’s how you get a cease-and-desist letter from Austin Powers – Hollywood Tuna
Happy Thanksgiving from Chlöe Sevigny’s non-union equivalent! – Towleroad
There’s a Dollar Tree version of everyone if you look hard enough. Case in point, Ela Rose, the Dollar Tree Chrissy Teigen – WWTDD
Cut to John Mayer’s penis sending Josh Kelley a Thank You gift basket – The Superficial
Here is a picture of Chelsea Handler resting her tits on a boom box, if you need that in your life – (NSFW) Drunken Stepfather
Apparently billion-dollar soap tycoon Jessica Alba doesn’t work out with 3lb bottles of dish soap like I assumed she did – Popoholic
I always read #21 in the voice of The Deaner, like “fuckin’ twigs” – Popsugar
Kate Hudson says you’ve got to work out if you want to lose weight, but what I want to know is for why is she wearing an extra-large napkin as a dress? – ICYDK
15 people (and one security guard) showed up to a Fifth Harmony show, which actually isn’t too bad considering it looks like they performed on the side of the road – OMG Blog
Why do I get the feeling Courteney Cox could swear those bitches under the table like a champ? – SOW
Cool, but what I’d really like are some dick pics of Ikaika Kahoano – Just Jared
Hollywood, you can reboot any 80s movie you want, just PLEASE don’t touch The ‘Burbs! – Pajiba
Ariana Grande Latte swipes back at Bette Midler for calling her a trampy toddler-voiced hussy – Jezebel
Alternate title for #11: the Dlisted office dress code – The Berry
Sleepy-voiced grandpa Tom Brokaw must have some pull with God, because he was recently given the honor of sitting down with Heaven’s Ambassador to Earth Dame St. Angelina Jolie for an interview for the TODAY show. No, it’s actually because he’s making a documentary with her about the making of her film Unbroken (working title: Unbroken: The Story of St. Angie’s Twig-Like Arms).
And speaking of grandpas, Tom opens the interview by asking Angie a point-blank question about her marriage to human drug rug Brad Pitt, specifically if anything has changed since they made it legal. This is where I thought DSt.A was going to hiss “Well, we’ve started having more smoke-filled fights on a fancy balconies, for one thing” but she says the only thing that’s really changed is that she’s still trying to get used to being a wife.
“I think we have more moments where I say, ‘I’m going to be a better wife! I’m going to learn to cook,’ and he says, ‘Oh honey, know what you’re good at, know what you’re not.’ He knows my limitations and where I’m a good wife and a good mom.”
Oh, how sweet of Dame St. Angie to pretend she’s bad at something! That’s really very kind of her to act like she doesn’t wake up every morning on a bed of baby angel wings, float down the stairs of Château du Cheekbones, perform a series of breakfast miracles like turning water into freshly-squeezed orange juice and poaching eggs with the warmth of her heart, then chuckling a lighthearted laugh when Brad shuffles into the kitchen, bypasses the beautiful spread she’s created, and pours milk directly into a box of Lucky Charms.
And here’s Dame St. Angie of the People at the UK premiere of Unbroken looking like a skinny alien clone of Kate Middleton.
So the trailer for Jurassic World was released today, and in case you hadn’t guessed, it’s filled with dinosaurs. It also has a hot mustachioed Chris Pratt. I know, that alone is all you need to know. “HOT CHRIS PRATT WITH A SEXY MOUSTACHE, THE END”, followed by a bunch of gifs of him looking hot. Other than dinosaurs and Chris Pratt, I knew very little about Jurassic World going in to this trailer, but here’s what I’ve gleaned:
1. Remember the first time a scientist filled an island with dinosaurs and the dinosaurs lost their goddamn minds and started eating people and everyone was like “Fuck this, we need to get out of here“? Apparently no one else remembers either, because they’ve done it again. Welcome to Mistake Island!
2. Kitty Sanchez from Arrested Development thinks it’s a-ok to send two kids to dinosaur island by themselves. Kitty NO! That’s a terrible idea! CPS is on line one, Kitty.
3. There is a terrifying water dinosaur equivalent of Shamu who eats a whole shark. They don’t mention its name, but I’m willing to guess it’s something like Sea Nightmare or Piss Pantsasaurus.
4. No Jeff Goldblum. I repeat, NO JEFF GOLDBLUM!
Obviously, you don’t need to see this movie if you’ve ever ridden the Jurassic Park ride at Universal Studios Orlando, because Jurassic World is pretty much the same thing: get on a boat, go to dinosaur island, one of the dinosaurs flips its shit, escape before you get eaten. Oh, what am I even saying? I’ve ridden that ride at least 10 times and my dumb dinosaur-obsessed ass will still be first in line on opening night.
According to Page Six, national treasure Chevy Chase served up some Drunk Pepaw at Thanksgiving realness a week early at the Humane Society’s To The Rescue! Gala last Friday in New York. Chevy was there to introduce Georgina Bloomberg, Amanda Hearst, and Kimberly Ovitz, but it sounds like he might have introduced his liver to several liters of the hard stuff before he crawled on stage, because guests at the event say he was a mess.
Apparently Chevy (who might actually be the real-life Pierce Hawthorne) was “a train wreck” who rambled on and repeated himself. His daughter – who was with him on stage – kept joking with him to knock it off and stick to the script. But even when he tried to gather his remaining sober brain cells and pull it together, but he was still a goddamn disaster. A source says that once he finally got around to mumbling out his introduction of Georgina, Amanda and Kimberly, he threw some shade by saying: “Kimberly Ovitz! Your father was my manager for 20 years, which explains why you haven’t seen me in a movie since 1988!” That’s when Georgina Bloomberg got on stage and read a messy bitch by saying “Thank you, Chevy, for making us all look so together.”
Damn, I don’t know if Chevy Chase was drunk or high or just stoned to hell and back on some of those super-strong pepaw pills, but it takes a lot to be the messiest mess at an event where half the guests are licking their buttholes and humping legs. Even the cats were probably throwing him side-eye as they horked up wet hairballs. Rule number one of getting sloppy: never out-sloppy anything dragging their balls across the carpet!
Father Of The Decade Michael Lohan Got Married To Kate Major And Forgot To Invite Lindsay Lohan And Michael Jr.
After several dramatic messy drunken fight-filled years together, talking butt zit Michael Lohan finally made it legal with Smurfette’s trashy second cousin Kate Major in – where else – the great state of Florida. TMZ says that Michael and his knocked-up bride tied the knot on a beach on October 30th in a private ceremony.
So private, in fact, that the only one of Michael’s six offspring to be invited was Baby Landon (seen above pointing to the new family he’d like to adopted by so he can escape those two human disasters). That’s right! Michael didn’t invite the sole reason he’s still clinging to the ass hairs of relevancy, Lindsay Lohan, or his aspiring app mogul son Michael Jr. He also forgot to invite haunted-looking living ghost Ali, Cody Lohan, or his whoopsie baby Ashley Kaufmann.
TMZ says that the Apricot Ashtray eventually found out that her deadbeat dad got hitched, but she didn’t care. Probably because she knows this is only the first of many weddings. Hell, we all know that it’s only a matter of time before Michael and Kate get into a violent booze-fueled fist fight that ends with Michael calling TMZ and Kate filing for divorce. Then once whichever one of them winds up in jail is released, they’ll speed-dial TMZ to announce that they’re getting remarried. It’s the ciiiiiircle of traaaaash.
And just because I love a good pair of thick acrylic porn star blow job nail tips, here’s Michael’s future second ex-wife showing off her new hardware:
Take a good look, pawn shops of Florida! You’re going to want to have an estimate on hand for when that busted blonde muppet eventually tries to sell it for margarita money.
A little over a week ago, Johnny Depp became the newest inductee into the Messy Old Man Club when he slithered up on stage at the Hollywood Film Awards drunk off his busted pirate face. Most of us (read: everyone besides Drunk Uncle) were pretty embarrassed for Johnny, including Johnny’s fiance Amber Heard too. According to The Star (via NY Daily News), a source claims that Amber got super pissed when she saw a next-level hammered Gilbert Grape slurring his way through the presentation of the Hollywood Documentary Award:
“Amber couldn’t believe he had made such a fool out of himself. This reflects really badly on her, and she’s not happy about it. At this point he is driving everyone away — including Amber.”
The source also goes on to say that there’s “chatter” about Johnny going to rehab.
I hope this all gets sorted out, because being a sloppy waste case is no bueno. But truthfully, if Amber wants Johnny to fix himself, she also needs to address the other elephant in the room: THOSE UGLY HATS. That would be the first thing I’d bring up in an intervention! “Johnny, your drinking is out of control, but we’ll get to that in a second. We need to talk about your collection of moth-eaten dumpster fedoras.” Those hats are no good, and I fully believe they’re the source of Johnny’s downfall. Take a look at mid-90s Johnny Depp: career was good, super hot, Winona Forever, and no stupid hats. Then look at mid-00s Johnny Depp: wears hats he dug out of the trash, makes shitty movies, left his wife for his 28-year-old co-star, gets drunk at awards shows. It’s the hats, I tells ya! The hats!
Because the American Music Awards are sort of like a high school talent show (“You mean they aren’t?” hissed the Grammys), it seemed fitting that the moody pseudo-goth teenage girl trapped in the body of a moody pseudo-goth teenage girl known as Lorde would perform the song she wrote for The Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part 1 “Yellow Flicker Beat”. But unlike her BFF Taylor Swift, who chose to serve up some theater kid with rich parents realness, Lorde pulled a no fucks given cool art room girl and was just like “Whatever, just put a bunch of empty boxes on stage and I’ll flail around like I’ve been possessed by the ghost of Shannon Hoon.”
I was hoping Lorde would pull out all the angsty vampire teen stops during her performance, and I wasn’t disappointed. Lorde opened “Yellow Flicker Beat” sneering inside a white glowing cube, which I guess symbolizes isolation or alienation or something equally deep for an 18-year-old. Then she left the cube and awkwardly moshed around a bunch of living mannequins like she was trying to scratch an itch without using her hands, and wrapped it all up by smearing her lipstick across her face. Wow. Such deep. Very fuck society.
But even weirder than Lorde’s AMA performance is finding out that Lorde apparently loves porn star James Deen:
“Adored Wells Tower’s GQ profile” – what a coincidence, that’s totally why I love James Deen too! Just kidding, it’s because of his penis.