“Well that makes two of us” hissed Noel Gallagher.
Adele, the curator of the soundtrack to your sad drunk shower cries, is on the cover of this month’s VOGUE (sidebar: raise your hand if you to are side-eyeing whoever thought it would be cute to put that “She Had Us At Hello” on the cover). And one thing I learned about Adele is that Adele isn’t doing handography in her kitchen to “When We Were Young” or practicing dramatic faces to “Skyfall” in the mirror like the rest of us. According to Adele, Adele would never. But wait – what does Adele listen to when she’s crying into a tub of ice cream in her bathrobe? This is a real “If a tree falls in the forest” situation.
Bill Murray is currently playing in the four-day Pebble Beach Pro-Am golf tournament, and I guess his caddy brought up Larger Than Life or something, because he was apparently in a real shit mood last night. So shitty, in fact, that he pulled a Sean Penn on a couple fans who tried to take his picture.
According to TMZ, Bill Murray’s phone drama happened on the rooftop lounge of a restaurant in Carmel, CA after he was done playing golf for the day. The owner of the restaurant claims there were a few fans who were sitting about ten feet away from Bill Murray and were trying to take his picture. And since it was night time, they had their flash on. This is when Bill grew tired of their bullshit, got up, grabbed their phones, and whipped them off the roof. The restaurant owner says Bill wasn’t drinking anything (uh huh), and he got out of there almost immediately after he released their phones into the air like doves at a wedding.
Not surprisingly, the cops showed up to deal with this mess, but Bill had already bailed. TMZ says police eventually tracked him down, and he’s agreed to pay for the damages to the phones. The phone owners have decided not to press any charges. Meanwhile, the owner of the restaurant has decided to ban people from taking pictures because he doesn’t want to deal with another Bill Murray moment.
Normally I wouldn’t advocate violence against phones, since they have given me so much (mobile reviews of local Taco Bells) and ask so little in return. But I cannot sanction such dark-sided evilness as taking a picture of someone with the flash on. Nobody looks good with the flash! Even Grace Kelly looks like Gollum with the flash on. So yeah, I feel you Bill Murray.
Before we get into the Mother’s Day, the latest holiday-themed movie by Garry Marshall starring a fuckload of famous people, we need to talk about that thing on Julia Roberts’ head. From what I gathered while watching the trailer for Mother’s Day (which doesn’t come out on Mother’s Day), Julia Roberts plays some kind of power bitch book author named Miranda Collins. We don’t know her backstory, but it looks like “Miranda Collins” (real name: Darlean McKringle) shops exclusively in the Jessica Simpson section of Macy’s and sold her first book by claiming she’s Jackie Collins’ long-lost cousin.
Julia is only in the trailer for about six seconds, but it’s long enough to find out she’s probably the birth mother of sad yoga girl (played by Britt Robertson), because – as Miranda tells Jennifer Aniston – she was too busy with her career instead. Um, DUH. You don’t have time for kids when you’ve got such an exquisite head of hair to look after. Styling your hair into a perfectly smooth penis-shaped bob takes time, Jennifer.
As you can see, everyone is in this. Jenny, Julie, Jason Sudeikis, Kate Hudson (I bet the reason she’s so flustered at the 1:13 mark is because her parents walked in on her taking a pussy selfie for Nick Jonas) and Timothy Olyphant.
Out of all the stories in the trailer, it doesn’t seem like there’s one that truly represents the real experience of Mother’s Day. I’m of course referring to that moment of terror when you realize you forgot to make brunch reservations and realize you’ll have to have brunch in your house. “Happy Mother’s Day! Feel free to help yourself to a mimosa. Why yes, that is leftover white wine and orange juice I bought from Starbucks. Breakfast will be served just as soon as I open this Luna Bar.”
I honestly thought yesterday’s Yeezy Season 3 show would end with everyone emptying onto the floor of Madison Square Garden and pressing $100 bills into the hands of those sad-looking models while whispering “I don’t know what brought you here, but I’m sorry you had to do this. Take this – I hope this helps.” Instead, it ended with the beginning of another goddamned feud between Kanye West and Taylor Swift.
Shortly after Kanye played one of his new songs “Famous“, in which he said the words “I feel like me and Taylor might still have sex. Why? I made that bitch famous.“, during his $2000 Pantyhose Ego Spectacular, Taylor’s brother Austin got it all started by angrily throwing out his Yeezy Boost sneakers on Instagram. Which was followed by members of Taylor’s friend army, like Gigi Hadid and Ruby Rose, chiming in on Twitter. Now Kanye has hopped on Twitter to let you all know that Taylor totally gave him the thumbs-up to call her a bitch and that they might hump. In fact, according to Kanye, it was all her idea.
Justin Bieber Wants You To Know He Totally Could Have Beat Up The People Who Kicked Him Out Of Tulum
Justin Bieber, who totally looks like the kind of dude you meet on Tinder who says he “works in fashion” and then two days later you catch his ass fluffing sweaters at H&M in that picture above, recently spoke to GQ about a bunch of things. One of which was that time back in January when he acted like a piece of garbage at the Mayan ruins and got kicked out of Tulum. Or wherever he thinks it happened, because according to Justin: “I forget where it was. It wasn’t Tulum.” I’d say that’s our cue to add My First Maps to Bieber’s Amazon wish list, but it would be a waste. At this age, all he’s gonna do is chew the corners and spill apple juice on the pages.
“Really? Lil’ ol me? Well ah do declayuh! If that ain’t just a big ol’ dollop of a slice of shoofly pie – okay, I’ll stop.”
If someone asked me how Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds came together, I’d smear some mayo on a piece of white bread and ask “This? Is it this?“, because I know how a mayonnaise sandwich gets made, and Blake and Ryan are pretty much the human equivalent. But according to Ryan, they got together during a double date they were on with other people.
Ryan recently admitted to Sirius XM’s Entertainment Weekly Radio (via People) that while he and Blake became “buddies” during the filming of Green Lantern, and so like lots of friends do, they decided to go on a double date together. Sadly, there might still be a TGIFridays with two people awkwardly picking at a plate of nachos and making small talk about how long their dates have been in the bathroom, because that was the night Blake and Ryan became Blake + Ryan. Unless you want to hear Ryan talk about the baby he made with Blake, skip to 2:42.
Ryan claims he didn’t get the warm feels for Blake until a year after Green Lantern. And I totally believe that, because nothing kills your boner quicker than showing up to set and remembering that your name and IMDB page will forever be linked to a stinky turd like Green Lantern. Blake Lively could have waited for him in his trailer at the end of the day wearing only a Green Lantern ring she swiped from the prop department, and he would be like “I…no. I can’t. I’m just too bummed out.”
And because we didn’t get a good enough look at them the first time, here’s Blake working a pair of Bedazzled bike shorts at the amfAR Gala last night. Huh, I didn’t realize bike shorts came with the 1989 Republican Senator & Senator’s Second Wife fashion set.
I’ve seen that face before. That’s the face I get whenever I tell Michael K that I think Prince William is the hotter brother.
As if you couldn’t already tell by the picture above, Penelope Cruz had a “Bitch, you better talk to your research department” moment during an interview with the Today Show yesterday. Towards the end of the interview, Savannah Guthrie, a woman whose name sounds like a clothing store for southern moms who think Chico’s is “too tarty“, made the mistake of asking Penelope Cruz about her ugly feet. Penny (who was dressed like a fancy pilot for some reason) was a ballet dancer before she was an actress. And I guess Savannah wanted to ask her about her feet because she heard they look like Quasi Modo’s puppies after all those years in pointe shoes. The only problem is, Penelope Cruz doesn’t have ugly feet, SAVANNAH. The awkwardness all happens around the 4:15 mark.
“You have ugly feet” is a pretty random nugget of trivia to know about someone. Did nobody think to double-check that? Who at the Today show was drunk enough to let that whoopsie slip though? It was totally Kathie Lee Gifford screwing around with the teleprompter, wasn’t it?
So the good news is Penelope Cruz has officially killed any rumor that she has fugly feet. The bad news is she’s about to receive a whole lot of creepy phone calls from foot fetish king Quentin Tarantino. “Hey Penelope! So I just caught your interview on the Today show, and I heard you talking about your feet. Are you also still married to Anton Chigurh? You are? Oh, that’s too bad. Well, I guess I’ll try again later.“
Charli XCX, who you may remember as the Tai to Iggy Azalea’s Cher, has been slowly inching her way into the Red Carpet Fuckery Hall of Fame for a while now. She’s slithered onto the red carpet looking like sloppy n’ slutty Morticia Addams. She showed up to last year’s Grammys looking like a rode-hard put-away-wrecked Super Star Ken doll.
And last night she proved she still really really wants a permanent spot in the Most Committed wing by sashaying onto the red carpet of the amfAR New York Gala looking like a picture of your messiest cousin from her first wedding in 1992 right before she threw a glass of wine in the groom’s face during a slow-dance to “Secret Lovers.”
Do you make terrible decisions with money? Do you have an extra $100 million lying around? Then why not call up Kanye West (1-800-ASSPLAY) with the good news that you’re willing to dump a fuckload of cash into his insanely overpriced hobo ballerina clothing line, Yeezy.
According to Page Six, Kanye has been going door to door asking for $100 million so he can take Yeezy from joke to joke with more exposure. So far, Kanye has hit up the CEO of LVMH (which owns Louis Vuitton, Dior, and Marc Jacobs) and Chris Burch (who launched Tory Burch), both of whom probably responded by cackling “Hard pass!” before slamming the door. Kanye also hired a company called Relativity Fashion last year to help him find investors, but that dream died when they filed for Chapter 11 in July.
I’m sure you’re wondering why he doesn’t just text his wife and ask if she can spare a couple million from her monthly Botox fund. Well, he might have to resort to that sooner than later, considering he’s apparently already sunk a whole lot of his own money into Yeezy. A source says:
“Kanye is spending a lot of money. He thinks on a big scale and is currently paying for everything himself. He needs a backer to help him achieve the kind of fashion-world domination he is aiming for.”
How much money does Kanye need for that shit? His fashion shows take place in an empty warehouse, he gets a 10% family discount on his models from Kris Jenner’s Rent-A-Wreck, and all the clothes look like they were made from old sleeping bags and slightly-irregular pantyhose stolen from a L’Eggs factory outlet store. I’m not good at math, but that’s like, $100.
At least now the audience will understand when Kanye closes the Yeezy fashion show this afternoon with models passing around a donation plate. “Please give to the Church of Yeezus Christ. Every dollar helps.”
Thanks to a preview of tonight’s episode of Kocktails With Khloe, a show that won’t be followed by the words “…has been kancelled” for at least 15 more episodes, I can now add one more reason to the ever-growing list of why I kurse the Kardashian name. And that reason has to do with the fact that I now have a mental picture of a sloppy Tori Spelling popping a squat and using her living room carpet like a litter box assaulting my brain.
In a clip from tonight’s episode, Tori admits that when Tori gets drunk, she turns into Terri. According to Tori, Terri – which is short for TerriTORI, because EVERYTHING is a tori pun with this trick – is a fucking mess who pisses under the table and in potted plants. Basically, Terri is the poor (and I mean poor) man’s Jennifer Lawrence.
Somewhere there’s an incontinent Cocker Spaniel who is thinking: “Bitch stole my look AND my moves? Rude.”
Tori claims Terri doesn’t come out that often because she has kids. But I bet it’s because she needs to stay sober enough to make sure The Deaner’s drunk alter ego, The Wiener, doesn’t cause too much damage. It’s really not that tough of a job; she just has to have an extra set of pants ready for when he wakes up in the shed after a night of pounding brewskis and realizes he’s pissed himself. “Aw shit, looks like The Wiener struck again! Tori, do me a favor and grab the garden hose? I wanna rinse off real quick.“