I was a kid when Nicole Kidman got married to Tom Cruise in 1990. My first real memory of them was when they talked to Apu from the cover of an Entertainment Weekly on The Simpsons. They always seemed like full-grown adults to me. But recently Nicole once again reminded me that she was pretty young when she signed her 10-year commitment contract. Not that she regrets it. Well, at least the getting married young part. I’m going to guess that if anything would make Nicole wish for a do-over, it’s probably the being married to a Scientologist part.
“And don’t forget to have the help pour that sarsaparilla into an antique hand-hammered silver julep cup that’s been chilling in the ice box for several hours. If you’re going to toast my new lil’ chicken dumplin’, do it right.”
Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds are now one baby closer to receiving their official Breeders Club membership card in the mail. Sources have confirmed to People and UsWeekly that Blake gave birth to the baby that has already gotten closer to more couture dresses than most of us ever will in our entire lifetimes.
Blake reportedly gave birth in New York sometime this week. Other than that, no more information about Second Baby Reynolds is known. Blake gave birth to her daughter James Reynolds back in 2014, and we didn’t end up getting a name confirmation until months later. So it will probably be a long-ish time before we find out what Blake and Ryan named this new baby or see the first “You fucked up” pictures of Ryan carrying the new baby in sling around his waist like a fanny pack.
We do know that Blake and Ryan’s new baby has already had two visitors. UsWeekly says that Blake’s older sister Robyn Lively has swung by the hospital. What a truly blessed day that must have been for Baby Reynolds since that’s the day they found out their aunt is Teen Witch.
Page Six says that Blake’s Basic Squad Cheer Captain Taylor Swift has also visited the new baby. I wonder if Taylor brought along an infant modeling coach to make sure that Blake’s new baby knows how to smile through the second-hand embarrassment. “We don’t want another Reynolds to ruin one of Auntie Tay Tay’s perfect Instagram pictures, do we? No we don’t! No we don’t!”
The picture you’re looking at was taken a few days ago while Justin Theroux and Jennifer Aniston went furniture shopping in NYC. I’m sure it took about six seconds before someone at UsWeekly or In Touch shouted “Furniture for what? A new baby? That must be why she’s covering her stomach with a jacket!” and got to working on laying out a JEN’S BABY JOY cover. Well, you know what? Justin Theroux wants people to cut the “womb watch” shit out.
Dancing with the Stars judge Julianne Hough wasn’t feeling what Amber Rose was giving earlier this week. Some people may have be swooning when Amber stepped onto the dance floor looking like a third-rate Angelina Jolie impersonator in a Sequin City costume knock-off inspired by Kim Kardashian’s in the “M.I.L.F.$” video. But according to Amber, Julianne wasn’t one of them. Amber thinks Julianne “body-shamed” her, and she recently let everyone know about it.
Forbes has published yet another list of rich people and the money they made this year. This time they’re talking about the world’s highest-paid comedians. We already know that The Rock is 2016’s highest-paid actor, that Jennifer Lawrence is 2016’s highest-paid actress, and that Gisele Bundchen is 2016’s highest-paid model. Out of those three, The Rock made the most with $64.5 million. I thought that was a huge amount of money. As it turns out, The Rock can take his measly $64.5 million and have a seat, because Kevin Hart has him beat by a long shot.
If Chelsea Handler didn’t need a calming vodka and lavender tub soak after last week, she’s going to this week. If you watch Chelsea’s Netflix show, you know that she has a major political boner for Hillary Clinton. In order to be a little less biased, Chelsea booked Donald Trump supporter Ann Coulter to talk about her latest waste of paper and ink, In Trump We Trust. Well, Ann called in “sick” and you can guess how happy Chelsea was about that.