Open Post: Hosted By Miley Cyrus Looking Like A Lisa Frank Fever Dream

November 22, 2015 / Posted by:

Miley Cyrus released her latest “Ah am so crazy, y’all!” music video earlier today for a song called “Lighter“, which is obviously the first thing she grabbed before making it. When I described it as a Lisa Frank fever dream, I mean it is literally what the Lisa Frank Bear sees when he tries to bring a fever of 104.6 down with an entire bottle of NocheTussin. Or what Miley sees when her regular dealer goes on vacation and she’s forced to buy weed from H. R. Pufnstuf (you know, after he was caught selling weed to Witchiepoo and kicked out of office by the citizens of Living Island).

I will say this: if you put the video on mute, it is sort of soothing. It’s like watching a 90s screen saver. Of course, if you really want the full 90s computer experience, open a new tab with the ICQ sound playing on a loop while repeatedly unplugging your internet connection.

And because it’s not a Miley post without some pictures of her looking like a straight-up mess, here she is performing in Detroit last night.

Pics: Splash


Here’s The First Picture Of Wonder Woman From The Upcoming Wonder Woman Movie

November 22, 2015 / Posted by:

Who knew Wonder Woman worked part-time as a winter coat model for Macy’s?

Yesterday, Gal Gadot made a million pairs of nerd pants go damp by tweeting the first picture of Wonder Woman from the upcoming Wonder Woman movie and confirmed that they had started filming. But honestly, if I wasn’t told I was looking at a picture of Wonder Woman, I’m not sure I’d know what I was looking at. If you told me I was looking at a picture of Kendall Jenner modeling a $2,900 cape from Kanye West’s rich hobo rags collection, I’d be like “Yeah, okay, I believe you.”

io9 says that Warner Brothers has announced the Wonder Woman movie, which is currently being filmed in London, will also include Chris Pine, Robin Wright, Danny Huston, Remus Lupin from Harry Potter, and Dawn Tinsley from The Office (the British one). It’s expected to be released in June of 2017.

Nothing else is really known about the Wonder Woman movie, besides what her outfit looks like (thanks to her appearance in Batman V Superman) and that she’s cold enough to wear a dark blue wool coat over her costume (see above). And that it’s all happening in London, for some reason. I’m guessing she’s in London to save the world from the most sinister creature humanity has every seen: that creepy Prince George cake! Quickly, Wonder Woman – use your lasso of truth to find out why anyone would use buttercream in such a terrifying way.

Pic: Gal Gadot


Angelina Jolie Wants You To Know She Is Really Loving Menopause

November 22, 2015 / Posted by:

Back in March, Angelina Jolie had her ovaries and fallopian tubes removed to make sure she didn’t get ovarian cancer. In doing so, she started going through menopause. Now, from what I know about menopause (ie. what I learned from that episode of The Golden Girls where Blanche thinks she’s pregnant), it’s that menopause is a Hell of hot flashes and night sweats and just generally feeling like crap. But don’t expect to see Angelina airing out her pits in front of an open freezer door any time soon, because she recently admitted to The Daily Telegraph that saints don’t experience menopause in the same way that mere mortals do.

“I actually love being in menopause. I haven’t had a terrible reaction to it, so I’m very fortunate. I feel older, and I feel settled being older. I feel happy that I’ve grown up. I don’t want to be young again.”

To which Young Angelina Jolie replied: “Aw, come on – the blood necklace Billy Bob dragon tattoo kissing your brother at the Oscars years weren’t THAT bad.

Of course St. Angie isn’t experiencing the crappy parts of menopause; that was probably part of the contract she signed when she agreed be Heaven’s official ambassador to Earth. I don’t blame her! If I was negotiating with God, I too would make sure there was a section stating that when I go through menopause (aka the Angel Change), I wouldn’t get any hot flashes. I’m sure there’s also a part in there about not getting hungover after a night of hard drinking, and a request to alter her sense of smell so that Brad Pitt’s stale weed stink is recognized in her brain as fresh-cut flowers.

Pic: Splash

And Here’s Johnny Depp Working Some I-Just-Woke-Up Realness At The Premiere For “The Danish Girl”

November 22, 2015 / Posted by:

Speaking of The Danish Girl, I could really use a danish, girl. And a cup of coffee. And a beer. And a nap. Fuck it, I’m gonna go take a nap in the limo. Holler if you need me.

The Los Angeles premiere for The Danish Girl was held last night, and I’m assuming it wasn’t a last-minute thing, because fancy Hollywood premieres rarely are. But for some reason, Johnny Depp rolled onto the red carpet looking like only 20 minutes earlier Amber Heard was slapping a bag of Funyuns out of his hands and telling him to get off the couch and put on some fucking pants.

At least that would explain why Amber and Johnny are dressed alike. Amber probably planned out her goth Colonel Sanders couture weeks in advance, and then Johnny – who clearly went back to sleep after Amber woke his ass up – stumbles out of the house in the same damn thing. But if she makes him go back inside and change, they run the risk of showing up late and missing all the photographers, so she’s like “Fine! We’ll both show up looking like two dirty ghosts who run a haunted funeral home in a Tim Burton movie.

Here’s more of Johnny and Amber doing their hipster mortician twinsies thing at The Danish Girl last night, including Johnny yanking a photographer’s camera (which was no doubt returned with a viewfinder covered in gold tooth stink and greasy chin pubes). As well as some of Amber with Eddie Redmayne and Alicia Vikander.

Pics: Splash,

Kylie Jenner And Tyga Might Be Back Together Already

November 22, 2015 / Posted by:

Well that was quick! In less time than it took her to pick a set of plastic lips off the menu in the Kardashian Khompound’s tune-up room, Kylie Jenner might have un-dumped Tyga. A whole 48 hours after it was announced that Kim II was taking a break from her adult boyfriend, she threw up a Snapchat picture of the two of them playing footsies on a couch with a message explaining that “Everyone needs to chill.” That loud whooshing sound you just heard was Tyga’s accountant letting out a huge sigh of relief after seeing that his client is still on the Kardashian kash train.

Some of you may be thinking “But wait – didn’t Kylie leave a club with ASAP Rocky on Friday night?” Yes, she did. But according to Hollywood Life, it was because ASAP Rocky was trying to convince Kylie to give Tyga another chance at relevancy. Or maybe it was because he saw an 18-year-old kid at a club and was like “Where’s your parents? Don’t you have school? Get in the car, I’m driving your ass home.” Either way, it looks like Tyga isn’t being re-written as a villain on KUWTK just yet.

Of course, Kylie’s “chill” message was lost on Pimp Mama Kris, who is hyperventilating with pride over how much attention Kylie was able to get from her first fake breakup.

Here’s Tyga’s teenage girlfriend shopping for Thanksgiving food yesterday. At least I’m assuming that’s what she was doing at the grocery store; she could have been picking up a couple fresh honey baked trouser hams for Khloe.

Pics: Snapchat, Splash

Open Post: Hosted By Brad Pitt Working Some Salt And Pepper Pizzazz

November 21, 2015 / Posted by:

Yes, I said “pizzazz” – I love a sassy mop of salt and pepper hair.

Brad Pitt is currently in Berlin filming that War Machine movie, which means he’s back to looking like an IKEA As Is section Anderson Cooper. The last time we saw Brad Pitt, he was working his signature greasy DILF look at the WSJ Innovator Awards two weeks ago. So is it a wig? Is it some Just for Men – Touch of Grey trickery? Whatever it is, I don’t hate it. Like, yes, he looks like a wealthy creep from a Lifetime movie. But he’s also sort of looks like what you’d get if mid-90s Brad Pitt ended up marrying Gwyneth Paltrow, quit showbusiness, moved to a gated community in Greenwich, Connecticut and became a dentist who makes all his patients call him “Doctor B“.

Here’s more of Brad looking super young in the face (maybe his character is fighting a war against wrinkles?) and old everywhere else while filming War Machine.

Pics: Splash


Now For Some Thoughts On Why Women Shouldn’t Be Pilots, Courtesy Of Shirley Bassey

November 21, 2015 / Posted by:

I sure hope the pilot flying that plane up there doesn’t have a pussy!” is what I imagine Shirley Bassey is thinking in the picture above.

Well here’s a whole hell of a lot of random for you. During a recent interview with the Daily Mail, Dame Shirley Bassey (the voice behind a bunch of James Bond theme songs, like the International Gold Digger’s Club anthem, “Diamonds Are Forever“) decided to give a little impromptu TED Talk on gender equality. And basically, here’s what you need to know: Shirley Bassey isn’t having it.

One Direction Allegedly Got Grace Jones Kicked Off The Jonathan Ross Show

November 21, 2015 / Posted by:

Okay, now before you go and start researching new planets to live on (since a world in which intergalactic goddess Grace Jones is shown anything less than enthusiastic worship is clearly doomed), let’s just keep in mind that this story is courtesy of The Sun. So let’s just say you should probably grab a couple grains of salt before you grab the number of a real estate on Blorg 6.

According to The Sun (via OK!), singing hipster elves One Direction recently got Grace Jones ejected from an appearance on The Jonathan Ross Show. The episode, which was taped earlier in the week and scheduled to air this evening, was supposed to feature 1D and Grace together. But a source claims they were afraid Grace would “overshadow” their appearance (true), so they had her name crossed off the call sheet.

Grace was apparently super pissed when she found out, because she traveled from Jamaica to London specifically for the taping, and that “it showed a complete lack of respect from young guys.” To make up for it, the source says Grace Jones was offered an appearance on Alan Carr: Chatty Man.

Of course, a spokesperson for One Direction is side-eyeing The Sun’s story and told OK! that 1D had nothing to do with Grace being cut from the show, adding that “it wasn’t even discussed with them.” Okay, but if they really wanted to avoid karmic retribution from the ageless icon gods, their publicist should have added: “…in fact, they’re incredibly bummed out that some tacky jerk would deny them the privilege of sharing a seat on that yellow sofa with THE Grace Jones. Yes, even Zayn Malik is sad. He’s not even in the band anymore, and he’s sad too.

Here are the people who are currently holding the No. 1 spot on Grace Jones’ shit list (and possible recipients of a future read) during a sound check and performance for Jimmy Kimmel Live! in Los Angeles last night.

Pics: The Jonathan Ross Show,

Adele Went Undercover And Pranked A Bunch Of Adele Impersonators

November 21, 2015 / Posted by:

Because Adele is GOD and can do whatever she wants (or so my Adele-obsessed friends tell me), Adele decided to promote her latest album of future chart slayers by going undercover as an Adele impersonator to prank some of her fans for a BBC Music special with Graham Norton yesterday. Adele slipped into some Adele drag (aka her best black dress and a 1960s ginger pageant queen wig) and got fixed up with a plastic nose and chin (aka the Kardashian Khosmetic Special), and showed up at a fake Adele impersonator audition pretending to be a Adele impersonator named Jenny.

For the most part, the fake Adeles were nice to the fake-real Adele. Except for the one Adele in the deflated Long Island Medium wig, who got all sassy about how she’d totally read Adele for taking so long to release new music. “I would“? You did! Obviously they all knew something was up with Jenny when she opened her mouth and started singing “Make You Feel My Love“. And then they all whipped out their phones, dialed 911 and were like “Hello? You better send over an ambulance, because I just met ADELE!!!!…and I think I’m having a heart attack.

I don’t know what Adele did with her Adele wig when she was done, but I really hope she gave it to that drag queen in exchange that they promise never to wear that busted Cher wig while performing as Adele ever again.

And in other Adele news, Adele was at the same restaurant with Jennifer Lawrence, Josh Hutcherson, and Liam Hemsworth last night in New York City, and now some people (like People) think they might be friends. Here’s JLaw and her Hunger Games pals looking mopey while going to dinner last night. Maybe they are friends with Adele? That’s totally the face you get from listening to sad Adele songs on the way over in the car.

Pics: Splash

Justin Bieber And Selena Gomez Might Be A Thing Again

November 21, 2015 / Posted by:

For those of you looking at the potato quality picture above and thinking: “For why is some random dude singing to Selena Gomez and two of the three fairies from Sleeping Beauty in a fancy-ass bar?“, well, you got the Selena Gomez part right, but you missed the spoiled Timbit sitting next to her. Don’t beat yourself up over it; Justin Bieber totally blends into the background when he’s not throwing chairs around.

As you can see from the picture above, dickmatization’s former poster children Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber got together, and no, it wasn’t because Selena found a bunch of footy pajamas at her house and decided to return them to their rightful owner. Justin and Selena were caught hanging out at a hotel bar in Beverly Hills last night. And if that wasn’t enough to make you roll your eyes and reach for your “She don’t love herself” GIFs, then there’s also this little nugget of NO: Justin grabbed a mic and busted out a middle school talent show-sounding version “My Girl” to her. Which looked and sounded a little something like this.

@justinbieber singing my girl to @selenagomez….is this real? Pure magic.

A video posted by lındsey (@eatprayphoto) on

No word on how many people in the bar were rushed to the hospital and treated for cringe-uries caused by second-hand embarrassment, but I’m going to assume the answer is: all of them. Neither Justin nor Selena has commented on whether or not they’re humping on each other again, so who even knows how permanent this shit is.

But he didn’t end the night with Selena, because apparently “My Girl” was short for “My Girl…Until Someone Hotter Comes Along“. Shortly after he made Thomas J. roll over in his grave, Justin Bieber hit up a club with Kylie Jenner. Which…also didn’t last very long, since Kylie left the club with Iggy Azalea’s former piece, ASAP Rocky. Yes, Kim Jr. has been single for all of 0.03 seconds, and already she might have a new man. A man who is a whole year older than Tyga. That sound you just heard was Kris Jenner cackling with glee into her morning bowl of spiders.

Pics: Instagram, Splash

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