The Daily Mail Claims They Know What Benedict Cumberbatch And Sophie Hunter Named Their Baby

August 30, 2015 / Posted by:

It’s been eleven weeks since Benedict Cumberbatch’s chosen human bride gave birth to the future king of lizards, and now it looks like we might know what name Benedict Cumberbatch and Sophie Hunter bestowed upon their spawn. Finally, we can all sleep at night!

Benedict and Sophie haven’t said shit about their new baby, because they sort of like privacy (or maybe they’re just waiting for a $2 million check from Lizard People magazine for the ~exclusive~ reveal). But the Daily Mail says they know what Benedict wrote on Baby Cumberbatch’s birth certificate. And that name is: Christopher Carlton Cumberbatch.

“Christopher was the name of the character Benedict played in Sir Tom Stoppard’s TV adaptation of Parade’s End, while Carlton is a family middle name shared by Benedict and his actor father Timothy.”

Again, no one knows for sure if that’s Baby Cumberbatch’s real name, since Benedict and Sophie haven’t confirmed it. So it could be Christopher Carlton Cumberbatch. Or it could be Jaiden Jaxon Camdyn Cumberbatch. Until we see the receipts, let’s just go with Christopher Carlton.

With that being said, I am 100% on board with the name Christopher Carlton Cumberbatch. First, because you can shorten it down to C.C. Cumberbatch, which reminds me of peroxide hair metal legend C.C. DeVille from Poison, and that’s never a bad thing. Second, because he can pretend his parents named him after Carlton Banks from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. Third, because Chris Cumberbatch totally sounds like the name of a rich jock from a 1970s slobs vs. snobs college comedy (possible title: Barf Academy II). It really covers all the bases.

Here’s Chris Cumberbatch’s daddy getting mobbed by a rabid army of Cumberbitches after a performance of Hamlet in London last week:


I Guess This Means Avril Lavigne Is No Longer On Taylor Swift’s Shit List

August 30, 2015 / Posted by:

A photo posted by Avril Lavigne (@avrillavigne) on

Last week, the over-pulled piece of saltwater taffy that is Taylor Swift sort of got into a Tumblr fight with Hot Topic’s unofficial mascot Avril Lavigne. Taylor liked a Tumblr post comparing pictures of her hugging on her fans and making her signature “OMGI’mhavingsomuchfun!!!” open-mouthed face with several other famous types (including Avril) looking like they’d rather be getting dry burlap enema than doing a meet-and-greet with their fans. Then Avril hissed about it on Twitter. Then the Robert to Taylor’s Stacey McGill, Calvin Harris, jumped in and hissed at the Daily Mail for posting a photoshopped tweet that made it look like he had gotten involved. Basically = high school drama.

Well, it appears Taylor and Avril have kissed and made up (or at least their PR people told them to for the sake of publicity), because Avril was Tay Tay’s latest “Please welcome to the stage…” surprise guest at her show in San Diego last night. Avril and Tay Tay sang “Complicated” together, because of course they did. Taylor also does a little head banging around the 1:56 mark, because “Complicated” is clearly the most hardcore punk rock song she’s ever heard.

And today’s source of life is at the 2:00 mark, when Tay Tay reaches out to hold Avril’s hand and gets NOTHING. Excuse me while I HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH myself into a lung concussion. You know Taylor cornered her backstage and was like “I’m sorry, did you forget that part of your job as one of Taylor’s Super Special Stage Friends is that you’re supposed to kiss my ass? RUDE.

You know, this is one of the times I’m glad time travel hasn’t been invented. Imagine if you went back in time to 2002 and showed tie-wearing badass mall punk teen Avril Lavigne that one say she’d be doing a duet with the snobby ballerina from “Sk8er Boi.” It would be like the ending of A Christmas Carol. “No…no, this can’t be real. Please, turn it off, it’s too embarrassing.”

Open Post: Hosted By Tyson Beckford Serving Up Some Sexy Stripper Realness

August 29, 2015 / Posted by:

When it comes to Chippendales dancers, my heart (and crotch) belongs to the red-hot pants-dampening pure sexuality that is SNL’s Adrien and Barney. With that being said, I’ve got to give credit where credit is due and admit that Tyson Beckford is working a pretty tight Chippendales game. Tyson was at the Rio hotel in Las Vegas last night to perform with the illustrious male dancers of Chippendales because…I’m not sure why, exactly. But he’s performing from now till September 27th, so if you’ve ever wanted to see the hotness that is Tyson Beckford bust out some Chocolate City moves in 1/6 of a chauffeur’s costume, now is your chance.

I’ve never seen the Las Vegas Chippendales show, because why do that when you can see desperate dudes take off their clothes in a Boulder City parking lot for less than half the price, so I have no idea what their act is like. But really, the only things I want to know about Tyson’s Chippendales set is if he goes by a stage name (Blayze? Riptyde? The Silencer? I need to know!) and whether or not he bounces those gorgeous man titties. What am I saying? Of course he does. It wouldn’t be an all-hunk review without some bouncing pecs.



Tila Tequila Really Wants Back Into The Celebrity Big Brother House

August 29, 2015 / Posted by:

Even though the people in charge of Celebrity Big Brother have made it clear they want nothing to do with her or her one-time Nazi-sympathizing ass, Tila Tequila is trying anyway. The former MySpace celebrity and current self-employed phone sex operator wants you to know that she’s very sorry for that time in her life when she was doodling Hitler’s name all over her Trapper Keeper, and that she hopes Channel 5 would be willing to give her a second chance in the CBB house. “Yeah, people aren’t usually so quick to forget that kind of stuff” said the ghost of Jesse James’ career.

People says that shortly after CBB kicked Tila Tequila to the curb, she had her rep draft up an “I’m so sorry, and here’s why” statement and released it to the world. According to Tila’s statement, her crush on Hitler was the result of depression and a drug addiction, and that she’s not about that life anymore because she wants to be a good role model for her daughter. She also throws in a part about slithering back into the CBB house, because Tila Tequila knows not of the word shameless.

Robin Wright And Ben Foster Called Off Their Engagement For A Second Time

August 29, 2015 / Posted by:

I see the Summer of the Split has decided to move on from married people to almost-married people. Watch out, casually fucking, you’re next.

UsWeekly says that Robin Wright and her younger ginger piece Ben Foster have decided to call it quits on the whole “being engaged” thing. Again. A source tells UsWeekly that their love hit the rim of the trash can about a month ago after 7 months of being engaged. Robin and Ben reportedly stopped returning their wedding planner’s phone calls the first time because she couldn’t deal with their work schedules and the 14-year age gap between them. And this time…well, it’s pretty much the same shit. A source claims that Robin and Ben “were still having the same issues” after they joined the two-timer engaged club back in January, which means Ben is still 14 years younger than Robin and they’re both busy. Goddamnit Ben, would it have killed you to quit your job and focus on learning how to rapidly age 14 years? It’s like you don’t even care about this second engagement!

It’s really too bad that Robin and Ben have quit each other again. Robin has said in the past that Ben’s dick does her insides better than any other, so today you should be pouring one out for Robin’s down-lows and praying that she soon finds comfort in another. Good dick at frequent intervals is a terrible thing to lose.

Pic: Splash

Apple And Tidal Are Fighting Over Drake’s Recent Performance At A Charity Concert

August 29, 2015 / Posted by:

Do you guys need something to do? Because it sounds like you need something to do” says the look on Drake’s face above.

Prepare for an HR-level headache, because the following is full of giant corporations getting all corporate with each other. Okay, so Drake was scheduled to perform in New Orleans yesterday at Lil Wayne’s Lil WeezyAna Festival, a charity concert to benefit children affected by Hurricane Katrina. Since Lil Wayne is part of the Tidal team, the Lil WeezyAna Festival was streamed on Tidal. Which is fine and all, except when you have an alleged $19 million deal with Apple. That’s when Apple gets mad and starts speed dialing their lawyers. Page Six says that when Drake’s pimp (Apple) found our that Drake’s two song performance would be streaming live on Tidal (the Buc Nasty to their Silky Johnson, if you will), they threatened to sue Tidal for $20 million.

I guess Jay Z can’t afford to lose any more money on Tidal, so they streamed this during Drake’s performance instead:

Sorry for Big Brother’s inconvenience” – when did Jay Z become one of the constantly-sneering Adbusters-reading culture jamming kids from my high school art class?

But now Apple would like you to know they had nothing to do with Tidal’s decision to replace Wheelchair Jimmy with some not-so-subtle shade. Sources tell BuzzFeed that it was Drake’s decision, not Apple’s, to yank his Lil WeezyAna Fest performance. And Drake’s manager, Future The Prince, confirmed the same with this statement:

“The decision to not have Drake participate in the Tidal steam has nothing to do with Apple or Drake’s deal. Point blank, 100 percent. I made a business decision. Apple doesn’t have the power to stop us from being part of a live stream. The only people that have the power to do that are Cash Money and Universal, and they’re our partners.”

Uh huh. As if the giant white glowing apple and the ghost of Steve Jobs weren’t totally holding a knife to Drake’s bank account and making “Bitch, you better not throw us under the bus” eyes as he wrote that.

Well, at least Tidal got some good publicity out of this mess. I mean, I wasn’t even sure if Tidal was still around. And now I know that, yes, they are. Good job, Tidal!

Pics: Splash, Tidal (via BuzzFeed)

Kylie Jenner And Tyga Got Busted For Using Too Much Water On Their Lawns

August 29, 2015 / Posted by:

Yes – you hang your head in shame, Kylie Jenner! Also because that is one busted-looking discount Halloween store wig, but mostly because of the wasting water thing!

According to The Hollywood Reporter, Kim Jr. and her totally 100% not broke boyfriend Tyga are the latest selfish assholes to make Mother Nature cry with their water wasting. Just like Tom Selleck before them, Kylie and Tyga don’t exactly give a fuck that there’s a drought in California and that people are being encouraged to keep their lawns dryer than a mummy’s dusty butthole. And bad news for them, the Las Virgenes Municipal Water District has been monitoring water usage in their Calabasas gated community since June. It turns out that both Kylie and Tyga, who rents a house down the street from Kylie’s $2.7 million khompound (probably to make it easier to pick up his KUWTK checks), have been using too much. First their faces, now their lawns – is there anything this family won’t pump excessive amounts of clear liquid into? (Fillers are clear, right?)

Kylie was slapped with two violations this summer, which includes a fine of $100 for each offense. Eh, I think she can handle a couple $100 fines. Pimp Mama Kris Jenner still has her pimping out those hair extensions, right? If not, maybe she can dip into her college fund, since I think it’s pretty obvious she won’t be using that money for college.

The Las Virgenes Municiple Water District also ratted out David Hasselhoff, Dr. Dre, and Denise Richards for wasting water.

I have no idea why Kylie Jenner needs to keep her lawn so fancy. It’s not like she’s ever outside looking at it. Really, how are you supposed to appreciate an on-point front lawn when you spend every waking moment inside taking sleepy porn face selfies? You can’t. Besides, I though the only grass Kylie cared about is the kind you stuff into a Zig-Zag and smoke.

Speaking of being inside, here’s Tyga walking his 18-year-old girlfriend into a club last night. No, I have no idea why Kylie is dressed like Sailor Mercury’s cougary mom either.

Pics: Splash

Open Post: Hosted By The Forever Exquisite Carmen Electra

August 23, 2015 / Posted by:

Technically that headline should read “Open Post: Hosted By The Forever Exquisite Carmen Electra Holding A Copy Of Genlux Magazine With A Picture Of Someone Who Is Clearly Not Carmen Electra On The Cover“, but I ran out of room.

One of the most breathtaking silicone beauty icons from the 90s, Carmen Electra, took a break from hustling her line of sex lube to appear at an event for Genlux magazine last night. I’d hate to be anyone who was looking for a bit of attention, because Carmen showed up looking extra gorgeous and stole it all. Every last molecule. And then she took those molecules, smushed them together, covered them with several coats of mascara, and shoved them into the massive orgy of eyelashes happening on her face. I’m sure there’s an ophthalmologist out there who thinks Carmen is wearing too many fake eyelashes, but I disagree. I think she could use a few more. Just like, 12.

Here’s more of Carmen redefining the word stunning. If you went to the stripper supply store looking for industry-grade body shimmer and ash blonde hair extensions last night and couldn’t find any of it, here’s the reason why.



BREAKING FRIENDSHIP NEWS: Slash And Axl Rose Are Friends Again

August 23, 2015 / Posted by:

Stop whatever you’re doing (“Being hungover? I wish” hissed all of our livers), because I have very important information about the former best friend feud of our lifetime. Or at least mine, and the middle-aged dude down the street from my house who hangs out in his Toyota Tercel blasting “Welcome To The Jungle” every Friday night. Whatever his name is (probably Dwayne), he’s going to be thrilled to hear this.

Slash, seen above looking like hot farted on sexy, recently admitted during a Swedish television interview (via Loudwire) that he and his former Guns N’ Roses bandmate and friend, Axl Rose, are friends again. Slash tossed his friendship with Axl into the trash shortly after Slash left GnR in 1996, and I always assumed those two would go to their graves hating each other. But according to Slash, he and Axl have kissed and made up.

“It was probably way overdue, you know. But it’s…you know, it’s very cool at this point. You know, let some of that, sort of, negative … dispel some of that negative stuff that was going on for so long.”

And just like that, there goes the image of a wrinkly old man Axl Rose writing “Slash is a dumb dildo” on the bathroom stall walls of a senior’s center. I’m not sure why my brain went there, but it did. But even though Slash and Axl are pals again, don’t expect them to reunite on stage any time soon. Or at least don’t ask Slash about it. That is NOT something Slash wants to talk about.

“Oh, I couldn’t answer that one, though. All right, let’s get off the subject, ’cause, you know, that’s an old one.”

I know Slash doesn’t want to jinx it or whatever and he’s acting all hush-hush, but there are some people who need to know if Slash and Axl Rose will reunite on stage once again: the glamorous Guns N’ Roses groupies of the 90s! Don’t they deserve to know that? Think of the groupies, Slash. They need to start deciding between you and Axl now.

Pic: Tumblr

Surprise! A Bunch Of Famous People Showed Up During Taylor Swift’s Show In LA Last Night

August 23, 2015 / Posted by:

A photo posted by Taylor Swift (@taylorswift) on

Just like her last show, and the show before that, and she show before that, attention enthusiast Taylor Swift got herself a little extra attention this weekend by packing her 1989 tour shows in Los Angeles with tons of “surprise” guests. On Friday, Tay Tay was joined on stage by famous basketball person Kobe Bryant and car commercial band OneRepublic.

Then on Saturday, she brought out Mary J. Blige. According to People, Mary J. and Tay Tay sang Mary’s songs “Doubt” and “Family Affair” together. They would have sung “No More Drama“, but Taylor’s conscience wouldn’t let her (“Girl stop, you know you live for the drama“). She also brought out Uzo Aduba, but she’s done that before. I have no idea why Taylor keeps bringing out Crazy Eyes. Uzo, has Tay Tay kidnapped you? Blink once for yes.

For real though, is Taylor Swift contractually obligated to bring out a whole mess of guests on stage with her during her 1989 tour? Because if that’s the case, she’s eventually she’s going to run out of friends. Case in point, when she brought out Matt LeBlanc and Chris Rock last night.

A photo posted by Taylor Swift (@taylorswift) on

I know Taylor needs to fill her famous friends quota, but this is ridiculous. Not to mention that she was performing in Los Angeles, which means she had access to the finest buffet of last-minute fill-in talent to pick from. Why get Chris Rock and Joey Tribbiani when you could have Phoebe Price and Bai Ling? What am I saying – and risk being upstaged by their beauty? Taylor would never.

Here’s Tay Tay looking like Sugar & Shine Cupcake doll going through a bad-girl phase at the Staples Center on Friday night.

Pics: Splash

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