If that cover line is true and Taylor Swift really was the guest editor, then I need to know what that sex move they “literally cannot get over” is. I bet it’s sex without a post-coital strawberry ice cream sundae. “Oh my gosh-ness, can you even imagine? That’s almost as raunchy as s-e-x with the lights on!” giggles Tay Tay, before apologizing for using such lewd language.
Crown Princess Butterscotch of The People’s Democratic Republic of Sunshine started whining during a recent interview with Glamour UK that even though she’s in a good place and has tons of friends and friendship friendship bla bla bla, she’s still haunted by her past reputation that she’s a boy-crazy stage-5 clinger who gets wet at the mere thought of his n’ hers embroidered towels. A reputation she thinks was invented by the media who is just, like, sooooo obsessed with her. Gawd, the media, stop being such a jealous hater!
SPOILER ALERT if you haven’t seen this shit and plan on it. Speaking of, for those of you looking at this picture of McDreamy at the wheel and thinking “Wait, is this a spoiler?“, no! Of course not! He’s just swinging through the drive-thru at McDonalds for a 6-pack of nuggets and an extra large sweet tea.
Earlier in the week, a rumor started going around that Shonda Rhimes was planning a one-way trip for Patrick Dempsey on the Unemployment Express because he was acting like an entitled diva on the set of Grey’s Anatomy. Patrick’s character was half written out of the show by sending his ass to Washington D.C., but Washington was apparently not far enough for Shonda Rhimes, so Shonda gave Dr. Derek Shepherd the Poochie treatment by making him get into a car accident and killing his ass off the show. When someone is dead to Shonda Rhimes they are truly fucking dead to Shonda Rhimes.
Well, this is a whole lot of sad for Friday morning. The Hollywood Reporter says that Sawyer Sweeten, one of the twin brothers from Everybody Loves Raymond, shot himself on the front porch of his family’s house in Texas on Thursday evening. He was 19 years old, and leaves behind his twin brother Sullivan. If you’ll excuse me, I need to find the nearest pile of pillows that resembles Marie Barone, because I need a hug. Sawyer’s older sister Madylin, who played his older sister Ally on Raymond, released a message about her brother’s death on Facebook saying:
“At this time I would like to encourage everyone to reach out to the ones you love. Let them have no doubt of what they mean to you.”
Sawyer’s Raymond co-stars have also released statements about his death, including Patricia Heaton, who tweeted “The entire cast of #EverybodyLovesRaymond is in shock. Prayers for the Sweeten family” and Ray Romano, who said:
“I’m shocked, and terribly saddened, by the news about Sawyer. He was a wonderful and sweet kid to be around. Just a great energy whenever he was there. My heart breaks for him, his family, and his friends during this very difficult time.”
I’ve probably seen every episode of Everybody Loves Raymond at least 6 times, so this is making me feel things. Although I did picture Sawyer being greeted by the ghost of Peter Boyle in the afterlife, and that made it a bit better.
I can’t find much about Sawyer’s life post-Raymond on the internet, but it looks like he was a Metallica fan. Sawyer, you had great taste in music; when I play “Nothing Else Matters” today, I’ll think of you. RIP Geoffrey Barone.
I know that saying an Adam Sandler movie is “too tasteless” is like saying Taco Bell chalupas are “too delicious“, or Patrick Swayze in Road House is “too sexy” (aka totally redundant), but it might actually be too too tasteless. Indian Country Today (via E!) says that several Native American actors working on Adam Sandler’s upcoming western comedy The Ridiculous 6 found the movie to be offensive to the Native community, so they walked off set on Wednesday. The movie, which was supposed to be released during Spring Break of 2014 and now will be released sometime in the future on Netflix, is about an orphan (Adam Sandler) who grew up among an Indian tribe, and you’d think watching Sandler do his hoobiddy-doo face in Party City Tonto drag would be the most cringe-worthy part of filming, but according to actor Loren Anthony, it’s not.
That’s literally the exact same face I make any time someone tells me they think Justin Bieber is “just misunderstood.” And I’m not sure why she’s making it, but Gillian Anderson might find herself making that same face during a post-fuck conversation in the future that starts with the words “Wanna see my scarf collection?” According to The Sun (via The Daily Mail), there’s a pretty good chance that might happen, because Scully recently asked Chris Martin on a date. Today I learned: insomnia is very real and those who suffer from it will do anything to cure it. No! Maybe she just really likes drowsy singing types?
A “source” (Scully’s hot baldy boss Walter Skinner, I hope) said 46-year-old Gillian and 38-year-old Chris Martin are an “unlikely combination” but have “definite chemistry.” Sure, but what about…you know…Chris Martin’s girlfriend Jennifer Lawrence? Maybe she’s cool with it because she’s a hard-core X-Files fan from way back who has always dreamed of a three-way with Scully.
Of course, neither Gillian not Chris Martin’s people have yet to comment on their possible date. But I’m sure the truth is out th-NO ALLISON! You got this far without making a hackey X-Files joke, you don’t have to start now.
In the meantime, don’t expect to see Chris’ ex-wife (or as she probably calls herself, his former executive espousal consort) Gwyneth Paltrow getting jealous and rushing to one-up him by smug-arming Fox Mulder into a quickie marriage. Comic Book Guy’s culinary-world cousin Mario Batali told the NY Daily News that he doesn’t think his pal Goopy will ever get married again. Oh, that’s sad. I was really hoping to find out what Goopy-sounding snobby person term Gwyneth would invent for her second marriage. You’re right – it wouldn’t be a marriage; it would be a later-in-life union of elevated souls or something.
Less than two weeks ago, Bradley Cooper was seen mouth humping on Suki Waterhouse at Coachella, but the on-again portion of their on-again off-again relationship might actually be the off-again again, because Page Six is saying that on Wednesday night he was spotted on a date with Cristiano Ronaldo’s former piece and slutty couture enthusiast Irina Shayk. Damn, Bradley Cooper works fast! (“Yeah…Bradley Cooper…” thinks Bradley Cooper’s PR people).
A “source” says Sack Lodge from Wedding Crashers (never forget) and Irina know each other through mutual friends, and have been hanging out for about a week. Last night they went to see Finding Neverland on Broadway. The source doesn’t say, but I choose to believe they also made their butt holes beg for mercy by having dinner at Guy’s American Kitchen & Bar, because a Broadway date isn’t a Broadway date unless you spend 2/3 of the show uncomfortably shifting around in your seat trying to hold in a fart.
Irina Shayk is a perfect match for Bradley Cooper: she’s 29-years-old (under 30 – check), a Sports Illustrated model (model – check), and she dated Cristiano Ronaldo for 5 years (minimum 3 years on-the-job experience with mirror-obsessed pretty boys – check).
The only problem is that hair; IT’S TOO GORGEOUS. You know Bradley Cooper is the type who has to have the best hair in the relationship (which might explain why Suki always looked like a bunch of teenage rats had a slumber party in hers), so I’m not sure I see this ending well. Maybe they’ll work something out during contract negotiations, like a serum ban or something.
And speaking of Broadway, here’s Bradley Cooper strolling around NYC with Broadway superstar Sienna Miller on Tuesday.
Like a kid caught trying to slow dance with the family dog (“It’s not what it looks like, I swear!“), Ben Affleck is still awkwardly apologizing about this whole trying to hide his slave-owning ancestor thing. Shortly after the Sony email leaks revealed that he had asked PBS to “take care of” – so to speak – the revelation that one of his relatives was a slave owner from the show Finding Your Roots, Ben threw up a long-ass explanation on Facebook in an attempt to deal with the messy Streisand effect that it had become. And now he’s…doing it again. Ben recently took to Twitter to give a little 140-character Finding Your Roots on the guy, aka the exact opposite of what he wanted in the first place:
He also has been really talkative on Facebook, because nothing says “I don’t like drama…but here’s the dramatic shit that’s been going on in my life” like Facebook.
The last time we checked on What Dumb Thing Did Lindsay Lohan Do Now?, the Apricot Ashtray was serving up some busted Photoshop by Salvador Dali skills in an Instagram selfie. Although technically, the last dumb thing she did was trying to deny Dina Lohan the chance of Celebrity Big Brother stardom, but that didn’t happen on the internet, so it doesn’t count (yes, I’m sure Dina later tried to mash her most sober hand against the screen of her iPad in an attempt to curse her out over Skype, but that’s neither here nor there).
Once again, Lindsay’s dumb thing happened on Instagram, but it didn’t involve taking the liquify tool to her body. On Monday, LiLo posted a picture of some Arabic writing with the words “You’re beautiful” in English below it.
The only problem is, the actual translation is “You’re a donkey”. Once freckles realized what happened, she yanked the pic. Frankly, I’m more shocked she spelled “you’re” correctly.
As far as I know, Lindsay Lohan only speaks two languages (English and Lying), so I can’t really swat at her for fucking up the translation of something. It happens! Google translate is a sneaky bitch who will steer you wrong every time. Do you know how many times I’ve tried to translate “I love you” into Polish, only to have one of my relatives inform me that, no, they don’t have access to a “wig plunger” or a “smiling kielbasa“? A lot. The answer is a lot.
But I wonder if she did actually mean “You’re a donkey.” Did she tag her father? It would make sense – he is an ass.
Here’s aspiring motivational Instagram speaker Lindsay Lohan serving up trampy real estate agent Barbie realness (I don’t hate it) while sashaying around London last week:
Totally off topic, but seeing Zooey Deschanel ringing a triangle on the toilet has given me a great idea. My biggest fear – hand to god – is getting my ass stuck on the toilet and not being able to make enough noise for someone to come save me and eventually my ass grows into the toilet seat and I become an A&E reality show called I Live On The Toilet, so yeah – I might start keeping a triangle in the bathroom. Thanks, Zooey.
During an interview with the Huffington Post (via E!), Etsy’s unofficial mascot Zooey Deschanel made it very clear that she’s nothing like her New Girl character Jess, and that whole “adorkable” thing was just a bunch of made-up marketing BS:
“That was something that was calculated, you know what I mean? That was our marketing department at Fox and they did a really good job with our first season, but that’s a word that describes the character that I play, not me. I don’t personally have identification with that word myself.”
She also went on to hiss at the haters who would ever refer to her as adorable and/or dorky:
“I don’t really care what people think of me. I know that sounds crazy because you’re supposed to care about what people think of you, I guess, as an actor, but I really don’t. Obviously I’m grateful for all of the opportunities that I’ve had thus far, including New Girl, but I don’t think I’ve ever met a person who knows me use that word to describe me, so it’s not of any consequence to me.”
Both Zooey and her New Girl character always look like the first runner-ups of a Quirky Beauty Pageant (their talent being either a ukelele performance of Khia’s “My Neck, My Back” or awkward shrugging), so she really can’t be that surprised when people get the two of them confused.
But I get that she wouldn’t want to be associated with the word “adorkable”; I’ve broken several ribs cringing hard at that word. It’s a health and safety issue, really.
So who is the real Zooey? My guess is Secret Juggalo.
After several weeks of nervously clutching their brass prayer beads, your 15-year old Teen Vogue-reading cousins can finally let out that long wail of sadness and pour out a bottle of Marc Jacobs Daisy perfume onto a pair of their favorite high-waisted black skinny jeans, because UsWeekly says their pseudo-hipster Prince and Princess, Emma Stone and Andrew Garfield, are OVER. It was originally reported that Blythe’s ginger cousin and Baby Bob Ross were on a break (yes I just re-read that in Ross’s voice), but now a “source” is saying they’ve officially called it quits on each other:
“[She's] ended things and moved back to L.A. It’s finished. It’s not just a break.”
Another “source” (damn those gossipy blabbermouths at Madewell) claims that Andrew’s commitment to method acting as a 17th-century Jesuit for Martin Scorsese’s upcoming film Silence was one of the reasons she packed up her ankle boots and left:
“He’d been in a dark place for months, getting into his role. He wasn’t being the best partner.”
My only knowledge of Jesuits comes from what I learned during a high school class trip to a place called Sainte-Marie among the Hurons, and all I really remember is a blacksmith named Steve who was a dead ringer for Dean from FUBAR, so I don’t know if pretending to be a Jesuit is a deal-breaker or not. But I’ll assume so, since method acting anything from the 17th-century probably means smelling like hot swamp ass. They didn’t have ‘poo back in the 17th-century, right? No wonder he’s been in a dark place! I would be too if I kept catching whiffs of toxic stank mouth and realized it was coming from my beard.