Archives

I still have puffy scars on the inside of my ear tunnels from that "Call Me Maybe" song stabbing me repeatedly over and over again for months on end, but now I forgive Carly Rae Jepsen for that after she told the Boy Scouts of America to call her NEVAH! Justin Bieber's former au pair was supposed to headline the 2013 National Scouting Jamboree with Train in West Virginia this July, but this morning she quit the show and told them to chew her ass. I know, those dumb bitches at the Boy Scouts of 'Murika are sending mixed messages, because they ban all gays from their organization, but yet they get Carly Rae Jepsen to sing at one of their events?

After GLAAD and Eagle Scout Derek Nance asked Carly Rae Jepsen and Train to ban the Jamboree, she tweeted this morning that she's pulling out of the Boy Scouts' party.

As an artist who believes in equality for all people, I will not be participating in the Boy Scouts of America Jamboree this summer... I always have and will continue to support the LGBT community on a global level and stay informed on the ever changing landscape in the ongoing battle for gay rights in this country and across the globe.

Train hasn't officially pulled out, but they said on their site that they will if the Boy Scouts don't change their anti-gay policies. I kind of hope that Train does perform, because there's something torturous and painful about watching a grown man in metallic pants sing about soul sisters and Jupiter's pre-cum.

The Boy Scouts haven't announced who's replacing Carly Rae yet, but I'm pretty sure it's going to be the crazy cunteuse that is Victoria Jackson:

And this mess can open for Victoria:

via Christian Nightmares

We can no longer safely walk the streets at night while thinking that a crime-stopping Fat Batman is watching over all of us, because a Fat Batman is not watching over all of us. He doesn't exist! The world is without a Fat Batman.

Yesterday, a Fat Batman became a hero to us all when the police in West Yorkshire released footage from a security camera of him dragging a wanted criminal into the police station. The police released the stills, because they wanted to the thank the caped crusader for making Bradford a little safer. But the Fat Batman isn't a hero and he isn't even fat! 39-year-old Chinese takeaway delivery man Stan Worby pulled off the Batman mask and revealed that he's the dude behind Fat Batman and he's no crime stopper. Stan tells The Daily Telegraph that his friend of 15 years, 27-year-old Danny Frayne, needed a ride to the police station. Danny was wanted for fraud and for handling stolen goods, and so he wanted to turn himself in. Stan wore the Batman costume to a football match in London (because why not?) earlier in the night and thought it would be funny to wear it to the police station.

"Obviously it was done as a joke. He (Frayne) wanted to get straight down. Obviously I wanted my bed. It was half-one in the morning. At the end of the day it was a practical joke, just between me and Daniel."

Stan says that the worst part of all of this is that everyone is calling him Fat Batman when he's not even fat. Stan was wearing a track suit underneath his Batman costume, because it was cold outside. (Somewhere Kirstie Alley is memorizing the line, "I'm not fat, I'm just wearing a tracksuit under my clothes!")

Mr Worby protested that he only looked overweight in CCTV images of the incident because he was wearing a tracksuit under the outfit to keep out the cold.

Explaining the apparent paunch seen on the footage of the episode, he said: "I've got my full tracksuit underneath. I'm not just wearing this - it's too thin."

The lies! I don't know what hurts more: the fact that there isn't a Fat Batman or the fact that the glorious mound of chunk hanging over his crotch is really just a scrunched-up tracksuit.

That picture just tells a thousand stories. I don't know if Justin Bieber is telling someone to pull his finger or he's giving an imaginary prostate exam while getting an imaginary prostate exam or his period leaked through his white pants and he's screaming for just one tampon. Just one. It's totally the latter.

And so the mutiny begins... The Beliebers are starting to turn and last night they dared to boo at their Canadian Jesus after he didn't show up on stage on time. E! News says that MC Hammer and Vanilla Ice's butt baby was supposed to take the stage at London's O2 Arena at 8:30, but he didn't start popping his pussy until after 10 and the fetuses in the audience were raging about it. One of the Biebs' fans, Sophia Lee, tells E! that after Carly Rae Jepsen opened, they kept waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting for The Lesbeaver to get on stage but he never did. Their nannies tried to calm them with a juice box and even rubbed their gums with a little extra-strength Benadryl liquid, but they kept screaming and eventually booed a bitch. Sophia Lee said:

"I was at the concert and he [Bieber] came out at 10:15 p.m. and Carly Rae Jepsen finished her set at 9:10 p.m.. Justin should have been out at 9:30. Everyone was kept waiting not knowing anything. All they did was kept playing Michael Jackson songs. All the fans were getting so annoyed at around 9:50 p.m., fans started booing. I stayed! But many people left early as the last underground train was at 12 a.m., so people needed to get home. He didn't even apologize. That's what makes it worse...My mom paid for five tickets so she's not happy."

The Biebs also let out a trail of sowwies on Twitter this morning and blamed the media for exaggerating shit.

We should give that baby douche a break, because he didn't know that taking an extra hit from his Playskool bong would put him in a weed-induced coma in his playpen for two hours and it's not his fault that his nanny didn't wake him up. But the average age of a Belieber is like 4, so he needs to think of all the children who needed to get up early for school today. Not only should the Biebs thinks about the children, but he should think about the children's teachers too. Those poor preschool teachers have to deal with a bunch of grumpy ass brats who are throwing tantrums and threatening to stab them in the knee with safety scissors, because they didn't get enough mimi times last night. I'm afraid of a lot of things, but a baby who hasn't slept is on the top of that list.

And here's some pictures from Justin's show, which looks like a televangelist concert at science museum.

Vanity Fair has already made my day by making Taylor Swift look like a confused bird in a wig on the cover of a Christian rock album circa  1995. The way that pictures goes with the words "My Syrian Hostage Ordeal" is way too perfect. It's a mess. The cover is good enough, but then Vanity Fair really took me up, up and away with what they put inside. It's Taylor Swift at her Taylor Swiftiest!

If you can only read one part of this interview, read this part:

As she sits drinking lavender lemonade in her “Tim Burton–Alice in Wonderland–pirate ship–Peter Pan” apartment, Swift continues....

That pretty much sums up Taylor Swift's entire life. (Throw in a bunch of boys in pajamas and it pretty much sums up Michael Jackson's life too. Hmmmm.)

In Vanity Fair's preview, Taylor gets into Tina Fey's joke at the Golden Globes and really gets into how she's portrayed as some dick-hungry crazy bitch who only writes musical slam pieces about her ex-boyfriends. Here's a few quotes and please read them while sipping lavender lemonade in your Tim Burton-Alice in Wonderland-pirate ship-Peter Pan cubicle:

On what she thinks about Tina Fey and Amy Poehler's mild ass joke about her at the Golden Globes: “You know, Katie Couric is one of my favorite people. Because she said to me she had heard a quote that she loved, that said, ‘There’s a special place in hell for women who don’t help other women.’”

On how Conor Kennedy and Harry Styles are the only dudes she's dated since 2010: "....if you want some big revelation, since 2010 I have dated exactly two people."

On how the tabloids have turned her into boy-trap hussy harlot: “The fact that there are slide shows of a dozen guys that I either hugged on a red carpet or met for lunch or wrote a song with. . . it’s just kind of ridiculous. It’s why I have to avoid the tabloid part of our culture, because they turn you into a fictional character.”

On how you should celebrate her as the next Joni Mitchell and if you don't you're sexist piece of trash: “For a female to write about her feelings, and then be portrayed as some clingy, insane, desperate girlfriend in need of making you marry her and have kids with her, I think that’s taking something that potentially should be celebrated—a woman writing about her feelings in a confessional way—that’s taking it and turning it and twisting it into something that is frankly a little sexist.”

On how she shouldn't star in HGTV's new series House Hunters: Stalkers Edition, because she doesn't buy houses near all the dudes she's dated (FYI: Nancy Jo Sales later writes that Taylor did buy a house near Conor Kennedy.): “People say that about me, that I apparently buy houses near every boy I like—that’s a thing that I apparently do. If I like you I will apparently buy up the real-estate market just to freak you out so you leave me. One of these things I say to myself to calm myself down when I feel like it’s all too much . . . If there’s a pregnancy rumor, people will find out it’s not true when you wind up not being pregnant, like nine months from now, and if there’s a house rumor, they’ll find out it’s not true when you are actively not ever spotted at that house.”

Some humanized puddles of unflavored oatmeal just can't take a joke. Taylor Swift needs to walk the plank of her pirate ship apartment, because Tina Fey was helping her out. Tina Fey jokingly told her that she's been to the Island of Dudes several times, but she really needs to spend time at the Island of Her (which looks like the island of Neverland and is surrounded by a lavender lemonade ocean). That is good advice! But I shouldn't question the thinking of a true feminist who called Camilla Belle a slut in a song. Taylor Swift obviously is the authority on women helping women.

Taylor wouldn't talk about the details of her personal life to VF's Nancy Jo Sales, because why do it when you can have your friends do it for you? Taylor let one of her friends talk to Nancy Jo Sales about Harry Styles and the other dudes she's shared a lavender lemonade with:

Although one of Swift’s rules is that she doesn’t go into the personal details of any of her relationships, she authorized someone to discuss them with Sales. “He wore her down,” the source says of Styles, who allegedly “chased” Swift for a year. “He was all, like, ‘You’re amazing—I want to be with you. I want to do this.’” The relationship fell apart after he texted Swift to alert her of a picture on the Internet of him kissing a friend good-bye. They were “making out like with their hands all up in each other’s hair,” says the source. After Swift ended the relationship, he pursued her for the better part of a year until she finally took him back. “But the whole time she says she feels like he’s looking at every girl,” the source continues. And then when they were in London together he “disappears one night and after that it was like he just didn’t want to keep going.” Styles’s rep, Benny Tarantini at Columbia Records, said that all of Swift’s source’s claims are “undeniably false.”

“It was like a pendulum for her, swinging back and forth,” the source says of Swift’s exes, with all of whom age has been a problem. Conor Kennedy, 17 at the time, was “just like a two-month thing,” the source continues, and Swift “says he was awesome.” The source says, “She dated Jake [Gyllenhaal] and John [Mayer] when she was really young and they were in their 30s, and she got really hurt. So it was like ‘That hurt—this won’t. But then it did.’”

So to recap: Taylor Swift is sick of the media portraying her as the exact image her publicity team painted, she thinks women need to help her (with what, I'm not sure) and she won't whisper into your ear about her ex-boyfriends, but she'll let somebody else do it for her. Bitch is like the rich girl villain in a Sweet Valley High book.

And my guess that this "special place" in hell that Taylor is talking about is a Tim Burton-Alice in Wonderland-pirate ship-Peter Pan apartment where they only serve lavender lemonade and play Taylor Swift songs on a loop.

They do NOT fool around playing musical chairs in Russian prison. - ImpertinentVixen

Runners-up:

There were many valiant contenders, but at the end of the day Lilo still held the title of Fire Crotch. - dbella

Johnny Weir has pushed the limits with his latest ensemble, which he will wear while skating to Pat Benetar's "Fire and Ice." - herroyalflyness

The other night at Rawhide I picked up this guy, a total flamer, who was so loose all I did was touch his ass and he dropped two stools. - Strepsi

via Izismile

Socks, the moonwalking Shetland Pony who's the star of a commercial for the UK telecom company Three.

Who ever came up with this commercial was totally huffing fumes out of a feedbag while staring up at a full moon as a Fleetwood Mac record skipped on a player in the corner and my soul is happy for that, because they gave us Socks. Three put together Socks, Fleetwood Mac and the moonwalk for their #DancePonyDance campaign. I know, that sentence made my brain deflate too and I typed it. I don't know what any of that means, but who cares. Just give me a pony who moonwalks to Fleetwood Mac.

Sarah Jessica Parker might have Emmys and LeAnn Rimes might have a hot dick to lick sugar cubes off of, but Socks is still the most talented and luckiest pony on this planet.

via Mashable

Matt Lucas (39)
Jake Lloyd (24)
Kimberly McCullough (35)
Niki Taylor (38)
Jolene Blalock (38)
Kevin Connolly (39)
Eva Mendes (39)
Lisa Robin Kelly (43)
Joel Osteen (50)
Charlie and Craig Reid aka The Proclaimers (51)
Adriana Barraza (57)
Penn Jillette (58)
Marsha Warfield (59)
Eddy Grant (25)
Elaine Paige (65)
Murray Head (67)
Dean Stockwell (77)

The producers of The Real Plasticwives of Beverly Hills will save a little money next season, because they won't have to pay an animal handler to throw Temptations cat treats at Adrienne Maloof's face when she starts to growl. Adrianne is done.

After Adrienne threatened to sue Brandi Glanville for telling everyone that she used a surrogate to have her kids, she's barely been on the show. This morning People said that the producers of RHOBH threw a ball of yarn in the middle of the 405 freeway and told her to go and play with it, because they were sick of her constantly showing up late to shoots. A few hours after People reported that, Adrienne wrote on her blog that she's done with the show and those tramps and trollops will never see her post-op MGM Lion face again!

To my loyal fans… It was time to exit RHOBH

The show served as a wonderful platform for all the amazing projects that I have in the works. I am forever grateful to my fans, thank you for your support, and stay tuned! xoxoA

I would write a 10,000 word response to Adrienne's goodbye letter, but I'll let the human ice stone with eyes that is Yolanda Foster do it for all of us:

And here's Adrienne leaving a restaurant the other night with Sean Stewart who's looking more and more like a 1980s truck driver. Bitch looks like Larry Fortensky's truck stop bar driving buddy who smells like cigarettes, St. Pauli Girl and Aqua Velva and always keeps at least 5 pairs of aviator sunglasses in the glove box of his Trans Am.

Allison Williams, who is best known for being Brian Williams' daughter and for playing Miranda on the reboot of Sex and the City called Girls, talked to The Los Angeles Times (via Gossip Cop) about getting into the acting game. Allison said that her parents wouldn't let her audition for stuff until she was out of college and watching Lindsay Lohan in Mean Girls made her think that she was never going to make it since she didn't start acting when she was still in Pampers. Allison realized that it's not that kind of game and then said some seriously delusional shit about Jennifer Lawrence.

"When 'Mean Girls' came out, I just thought Lindsay Lohan was genius. I didn't understand how I could ever come close to that if they didn't let me start young. I've come to realize it's not a zero-sum game. When I see performances like Jennifer Lawrence's in 'Silver Linings Playbook,' I think, 'God, what a great role.' But maybe, just maybe, she watches 'Girls' and maybe, just maybe, she wishes she was on 'Girls.'"

So when Allison Williams, who should've been born in the 70s because she could've been the Breck Girl of all Breck Girls, is brushing her hair a hundred times while watching Girls, she's thinking about how Jennifer Lawrence might also be brushing her hair a hundred times while wishing that she was on Girls? Bitch needs to stop, drop and roll right out of here. Like Jennifer Lawrence really wants to piss on the train tracks and snot into a bath tub for a TV show on HBO! ......Actually, Jennifer Lawrence probably wants to do all those things and she'd do it for a fat j and a McDonald's cheeseburger.

Brendan Fraser filed some WOE IS ME legal papers in Connecticut last month, because his ex-wife  Afton Smith expects him to pay $900,000 a year in alimony and child support for their three kids. But Brendan claims that he's so broke that it's only a matter of time before he has to put on his George of the Jungle costume to sell $20 hand jobs to fanboys in the men's bathroom at Comic-Con. Brendan laid it on thick by saying that he doesn't know if he'll ever make another dime again and he's just not shitting out gold bars like he used to. Brendan's wife was not convinced, so he filed more papers that show that he ends up in the red every single month. According to TMZ, Brendan laid out his monthly finances like this:

 + $205,704.04 - What he makes every month.
+ $25,800.26 - What he gets in interest and stocks and stuff every month.
- $112, 803.25 - What he pays for professional expenses (agents, lawyers, managers, etc).
- $50,000 - What he pays his ex-wife in alimony.
- $25,000 - What he pays his ex-wife in child support.
-  $5,200 - What he pays his gardener.
- $5,000+ - What he pays for the mortgage on his properties.
- $6,000+ - What he pays for property taxes.
- $34,132.52 - What he pays the IRS each month.
- $5,000 - What he pays for other kinds of insurance (health, life, etc...)
- $5,000 - What he spends on family support and gifts.
- $3,000 - What he spends on staffing.
- $7.77 - What he spends on pet care.

TMZ says the list goes on and on, and shows that he's losing $87,000 a month. But it's not like Brendan will be turning tricks near the train tracks with Lindsay Lohan, because he's got around $25 million in assets.

Two things blow my mind: 1) That Brendan Fraser is bringing in that much money a month in the year 2013 and; 2) That Brendan Fraser pays his gardener that much money. Dude needs to get one of those lawn Roombas. Or he needs to do what some of my family members do: just let your front lawn grow wild until the neighbors get sick of it trashing up the block and mow it themselves.

And I'm guessing that the $7.77 is to buy seeds to feed whatever animal is on top of his head.