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Earlier today, I wrote about how Brooke Mueller sent her lawyers to court to try to take temporary custody of her twin boys from Denise Richards and give it to her brother in Orange County. Charlie Sheen wanted Denise Richards to keep temporary custody of his kids and his lawyers argued that Brooke was only after the $55,000 a month in child support. A MESS! And when Charlie Sheen, whose brain is a pile of coke mush, comes out as a voice of reason, you know shit is a real mess.

Well, they all argued in front of a judge today and the judge told Brooke's lawyers the same thing an ATM told me when I tried to get $120 out of it the other day: "DENIED!" The judge basically told Brooke's lawyers that knitting a peen cozy out of their own pubes would've been a better use of their time than coming into court to ask for some dumb shit. A source told Radar:

“[The judge] flatly denied Mueller’s request to to have Denise stripped of temporary custody, and placed in the care of her brother in Orange County. There was absolutely no reason that could justify the move, which would only uproot the twins yet again

Brooke’s claims that Denise was only taking care of the boys for financial gain fell flat because the actress signed a sworn declaration that she had refused money from Charlie. Denise’s declaration also went on to say that she didn’t want any money EVER for her care of the boys.

Brooke just doesn’t seem to grasp the seriousness of the situation involving custody of the boys. She is used to just snapping her fingers, and having her lawyers work their magic, and make the problem go away. This isn’t being heard in family court, the fact it’s in child dependency court because of her actions is extremely serious. She should stop wasting the courts resources and focus on what is best for the boys, and not her self-interest.”

And after Brooke told her rehab mate at Betty Ford, Lindsay Lohan, about this, LiLo's mind boggled around for a few seconds before she said, "The judge denied you? They can do that?"

In case you you've been hungry for a small dollop of insanity from America's favorite gourmet couple Amy and Samy Bouzaglo, who put the nightmare in Kitchen Nightmares, here's a video of what happened when CBS 5 News tried to ask them about their Facebook meltdown. Surprisingly enough, Amy didn't open the door, snatch that reporter and try to resell her to a human trafficking ring, because that's what America's all about. Amy dribbled out some insanity about how the news crew was trespassing and the FBI is looking into the "hacking" of their Facebook account. Maybe Crazy Amy is telling the truth, because if I was an FBI agent, I'd investigate that mess, but only so I can interview her and take in her crazy live and in person.

Then Samy came out and rambled out more nonsense before Amy screamed at him to come inside. They're the gift that keeps on giving until they're eventually dragged away to the mental institution.

In other Crazy Amy news, a lady who used to be a server at Amy's Bakery did an AMA on Reddit and said that Amy went to prison for identity fraud for 14 months.

In Amy's defense, if I was her, I'd want to be someone else too.

via Eater

If you ranked all the greatest supermodels of the world past and present, Phoebe Price would be at the very top and all the other supermodels would be in big pile far, far, far below her. But at the Cannes Film Festival premiere of The Great Gatsby today, Cindy Crawford put her fingers on PP's toes when she sashayed out onto the red carpet looking like this. Cindy Crawford came hard for Chicken Cutlets (that visual, I know) by looking like a Botoxod leather vision in white. Richard Gere's former gerbil handler also gets extra points, because the top of her dress sort of looks like two bedazzled antelopes kissing.

Meteorologists in Cannes reported that today was the first day in the history of weather reporting that there was not one single gust of wind in Cannes. Cindy Crawford's hair just naturally looks like the wind is blowing through it. On the last night of Cannes, Cindy and PP should have a pose-off at the top of the stairs. The world as we know it would never be the same again!

Here's a few others who tried to out-glamour Cindy Crawford tonight. In order after Cindy: Basement Baby, Nicole Kidman (the hell is that hair?), Bai Ling, Carey Mulligan with the Gatsby dudes, Leonardo DiCatchAho with Tobey Maguire and Lana Del Taco with Florence Welch. (Yes, Florence was standing too close to Cindy when that picture of her drowning in her own hair was taken).

John Currin's portrait of a naked Bea Arthur is expected to sell at for at least $1.8 million at Sotheby's today. I thank all of you in advance for selling all of your possessions, loved ones and internal organs to buy this for me. I will hang it over my Ikea dresser and pray to it every night. Thank you for being a friend. - HuffPo 

CHRIS EVANS' ARMS. That is all. - Lainey Gossip

Aubrey O'Day gives us her best "skank caught in the headlights" look  - Drunken Stepfather

LeAnn Rimes bought a husband, so it's no surprise that she's buying Twitter followers too - The Superficial 

Um, Christina Hendricks' husband should be kissing the feet of God for having a wife that looks like her, so I'm sure he'd be okay with her wearing sweats every now and again - Celebitchy

Hayden Pantyairs' braid kind of looks like the chicken and onion screwer I had for lunch on Sunday - Hollywood Tuna 

Carrie Underwood models a piece called "The Glimmer" from She-Ra's new lingerie collection - Popoholic

Alyssa Milano stopped by The Grove before heading to her hostess job at the Howard Johnson's Diner - ICYDK

Nobody wants to be on Pimp Mama Kris' show - Reality Tea 

For the rock bottom price of $2,000 (which is what Goopy spends a day on diamond water), you can meet Goopy Paltrow and allow her to judge you internally as she tries not to heave while shaking your peasant hand - Jezebel

And somewhere in this world, somebody is going to fap to this - OMG Blog

Justin Timberlake's Don Draper drag is not working - Just Jared

I see who ever made She By Sheree's commercial is now outsourcing their talents to Zoolander's biological son - Videogum

The stills from the new Predator movie are extremely terrifying - Moe Jackson

Things you do while stoned (or if you're Jessica Simpson, things you do all the time) - The Chive

Here's Beyonce's handwritten apology letter to her bumblebeys in Antwerp - IDLYITW

Jim Toth drinks the sweet nectar with AN AMERICAN CITIZEN on American soil - Popsugar

The gay version of Girls is happening at HBO - Towleroad

Rita Ora, is that you? - I'm Not Obsessed

The style evolution of Pretty Ricky - Crunk + Disorderly

You can almost hear those little piggies screech for help as they dangle off the side of that chrome shoe cliff.

During the opening ceremony of the 66th Annual Cannes Film Festival today, Julianne Moore proved that she is a true movie star and a slave to glamour when she put on a smile like everything was okay while her toes tried to scramble out of that shoe. Or maybe Julianne felt no pain, because some of her toes lost consciousness after suffocating in those tiny shoes. I'm trying to figure out if partying with your baby toes hanging out is a classy look or is the worst kind of toe abuse (next to putting your toes in CROCS)?

Thankfully for Julianne, nobody on the red carpet noticed the toe trauma going on down below, because they were too busy basking in the poultry beauty of the Queen of Cannes Phoebe Price after she floated onto the red carpet. Either PP is wearing an anime girl mask or she's had her eyes stretched out. Whatever the case may be, the result is GORGEOUS!

The rumor that Kanye West is letting Givenchy's creative director Riccardo Tisci pull up his leather kilt at the end of the night has been around for a while now, but I guess when you're like Kim Kardashian and live in a fart bubble of narcissism, all non-Kardashian news never makes it into your ears. But after Kim wore a Givenchy sofa carcass to the Met Gala, some of her Twitter followers told her about the rumor that Kanye is gargling on the nutsack of the dude who designed her dress.

InTouch (via Radar) says that Kim's followers told her that Kanye's apartments in NYC and Paris are really close to Riccardo's apartments, which totally means that they're doing it. InTouch's source says that Kanye does spend a lot of time in Paris with Riccardo, so Kim started freaking out.

“There are some facts Kim can’t deny. Kanye has spent her entire pregnancy living close to Riccardo in the French capital and Riccardo recently purchased an apartment less than half a mile from Kanye’s in NYC’s Soho neighborhood. Kanye is obsessed with Riccardo. They have a very deep bond. They spend a lot of time together at Kanye’s apartment.

Kim freaked out. If it turns out Kanye is involved with Riccardo, she will be utterly embarrassed — more so than she’s ever been in her life."

Can I get a "BITCH, PLEASE"? If Kim hasn't been embarrassed by her pimp mom, her plastic face, her fake wedding, her boring sex tape, her clothes and her entire existence, then I doubt this will embarrass her. Utterly. Kim doesn't care if Kanye fucks men or fucks armadillos as long as he keeps her on the cover of every tabloid.

I just hope that if Kanye is involved with Riccardo that he properly moisturizes and lubes up that dry E.T. finger of his before they get into fingerbanging fun time.

While Brooke Mueller dries out (or snorts lines of Sanka) with Lindsay Lohan in Betty Ford, her lawyers are trying to get a judge to pull her twin boys out of Denise Richards' arms, because she wants her brother to take care of them instead. Almost two weeks ago, social services found some suspect shit at Brooke Mueller's house and the Sheen twins were taken away and given to Denise Richards temporarily. Denise expected to take care of the boys until Brooke cleaned herself up. But TMZ says that Brooke wants her brother to have custody of her 4 year olds and her decision has everything to do with MONAY!

According to TMZ, Charlie Sheen is onto Broke Mule's schemes and thinks she only wants her brother to have custody of the twins, because she doesn't want to let go of the $55k she gets in child support a month. Charlie's lawyers are in court today to EXPOSE Brooke's scheme. Brooke's lawyers will argue that Denise is the gold digging twat who is using her twins to get that monthly check.

TMZ's source says that Charlie has offered to give Denise money to take care of his twins, but she turned him down and doesn't want one penny from him. Denise also has text messages from Brooke where Brooke admits that she needs those child support checks.

Denise has taken care of the Sheen twins for a long period of time before, so let's see.... The boys can either stay in a home they know or they can be ripped out of yet another house and put into a different one. Brooke Mueller is so damn dumb. There's clearly an easy way for her to get everything she wants: a $55,000 check every month and zero parental responsibility. All she has to do is let Denise Richards keep custody of her boys and tell Denise that if she doesn't hand over $55,000 every month, she'll text her this picture every morning:

Nobody wants to live under that kind of fear. Denise's only response would be, "What's your account and routing number?"

And here's pictures from earlier this year of Brooke looking like a mash-up of Axl Rose and Russell Brand.

Some of us are looking at that picture like it's the opposite of sexy, because Katie Holmes looks like she's in the middle of taking an extended dump and just realized that there's only one wipe worth of toilet paper left. That is totally a "Do I pull up my panties and chance it or do I risk dripping on the floor by squat walking to the next bathroom?" face. But dudes on the NYC set of Katie's movie are looking at the sight of her sitting there and telling themselves that they want to see that on their toilet the morning after.

Katie and Luke Kirby are currently playing manic depressives in love in the Spike Lee-produced movie Mania Days and it's a damn miracle that they get any work done, because every dude on set keeps trying to get on her. A source tells Page Six, “There were crew members and extras just chancing it. It really got on the nerves of director Paul Dalio. Needless to say, she said no to everyone.” The source says that so far seven dudes have asked Katie out.

Katie should give her publicist a bonus for getting that little story in Page Six.

Those crew members and extras asking Katie out need to know that it takes a special kind of dude to date the former duchess of Scientology. Not just any dude can date Katie Holmes. In order to date her, you have to be okay with Suri Cruise dry heaving every time you show up to her apartment wearing sneakers you bought on clearance at Foot Locker. That's one thing you have to be okay with. You also have to be okay with dying young, because Tommy Girl will probably have you killed. If you're okay with both of those things, ask away!

Here's more pictures of Katie Holmes and Luke Kirby as manic depressives in love. I'm already learning things from this movie! I just learned that a symptom of manic depression is wearing a t-shirt with jeans.

The Into the Woods movie is happening and right now director Rob Marshall is looking for actors to join Meryl Streep (as the Witch), Johnny Depp (as the Wolf) and James Corden of Gavin & Stacey (as the Baker). The Hollywood Reporter says that beard aficionados Jake Gyllenhaal and Chris Pine got in front of Rob Marshall and auditioned for Cinderella's Prince and Rapunzel's Prince. In the stage production, the same actor plays Cinderella's Prince and the Wolf, but I guess they're splitting that shit up in the movie.

THR says that they haven't put contracts in front of Jakey or Zachary Quinto's partner in giggling just yet, but the two sang in front of Rob Marshall and deals will be thrown at them any day now. THR describes the roles of the Princes as "brothers who are pompous and self-absorbed." Cinderella and Rapunzel are the fairy tale world's premiere beards, so I approve of this casting decision.

Your ass might be wondering if Chris Pine and/or Jakey can even sing. Does it even matter? Russell Crowe's singing voice sounds like a bear farting into a fan and they gave him a lead role in a movie musical. A deaf seal with severe laryngitis can probably sing better than Pierce Brosnan can and he also got paid to sing in a movie musical. Hollywood don't care! But you can judge for yourself if you want. Here's a clip of Jakey singing and a clip of Chris Pine singing.

Since Rob Marshall is obviously making a few changes to Into the Woods for the movie, he should add more layers to the Princes. The Witch should cast a spell on the Princes, making them allergic to wearing clothes and the only time they're able to sing is when they sing into each other's butts. It's what the audience (aka probably only me) wants and The Brothers Grimm would totally approve of these changes!

And here's Chris Pine at last night's L.A. premiere of Star Trek: Into Darkness with some other tricks including Alice Eve, Zachary Quinto, the extremely androgynous Zoe Saldana (wearing a bedazzled shredded condom) and John Cho.

In Angie Jolie's op-ed piece for The New York Times (which has already won two Pulitzers and has been re-published in every esteemed medical journal in the world, thankyouverymuch), she writes that doctors told her she has also a 50% chance of getting ovarian cancer. Angie's mother Marcheline Bertrand died of ovarian cancer in 2007. Angie wrote that she had a preventative double mastectomy first, because it's a more complicated surgery and her chances of getting breast cancer are higher. People says in their current issue that Angie is also going to get her ovaries removed.

Every tabloid editor just choked out an intern, because they just lost 30% of their covers. There goes their semi-monthly "Brad Storms Out After Angelina Reveals Surprise Pregnancy!" cover. They shouldn't worry, though. I'm sure that deep in the bowels of Chateau de Brangelina is a giant freezer room where thousands upon thousands of Angie's eggs are stored. So the world will be blessed with a million more chosen ones....unless Brad Pitt gets six degrees of stoned one night, stumbles in there and eats all the eggs with hot sauce. That is extremely possible.

And speaking of Brad, he had more things to say about Angie's mastectomy. Brad said this to USA Today:

"I'm quite emotional about it, of course. She could have stayed absolutely private about it and I don't think anyone would have been none the wiser with such good results. But it was really important to her to share the story and that others would understand it doesn't have to be a scary thing. In fact, it can be an empowering thing, and something that makes you stronger and us stronger."

And Jon Voight, who found out when you found out, also had some shit to say:

“My love and admiration for my daughter can't be explained in words. I saw her two days ago with my son Jamie. We all got together for his birthday, with her and Brad (Pitt). But I didn't know. It wasn't obvious at all. I found out (Tuesday) morning. I was as surprised as anyone and deeply moved by the way she’s handled this. She’s a very extraordinary person, the way she examined it and what she shared.”

And so did my favorite Voight child, James Haven:

"My sister like our mother always put her children first. I am so grateful to be her brother."

And because why not, Brad Pitt's mother (who supposedly has "TEAM ANISTON FOREVER, VATO!" tattooed on her chest) also released a statement of words:

"We're so very proud of Angie, this means so much to our family especially our grandchildren. We love her dearly."

I'm sure that later today we'll also get statements from Billy Bob Thornton, Jonny Lee Miller, Jenny Shimizu, her kindergarten teacher, her Gia co-star Kylie Travis, James Haven's taint waxer, Maddox's personal secretary and Dina Lohan (because she has nothing better to do than get drunk and write statements).