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Kim Kardashian's farts are infused with the human souls she devours, so you'd think that Anna Wintour would love her and they'd bond over their mutual love of torture while bathing in the blood of the living, but nope! Anna Wintour would rather wear a Juicy Couture tracksuit with Crocs than even speak Kim Kartrashian's name. Kanye West is forever Anna's homegirl and she'll gladly get a Brazilian next to him any day of the week, but she hates everything about Kim Kardashian.

A source tells Star (via Radar) that when Kim and Kanye were whoring themselves out during New York Fashion Week, Anna would run into them at shows and she'd blow air kisses at Gay Fish, but she refused to even look at Pimp Mama Kris' prized heifer. Anna sent Kanye an invitation to last year's MET Costume Gala, but she wouldn't let him bring Kim.

Anna Wintour should've been fired for putting that humanized strip of oatmeal paste Blake NotSoLively on the cover of Vogue more than once, but she has redeemed herself for putting a permanent ban on all things Kuntrashian. But whatever, I'm sure PMK is rolling her eyes at this. PMK doesn't need Anna Wintour! PMK recently got Kim a cover of Vogue, thankyouverymuch. Yes, it's the cover of Vogue Serengeti, but it's still Vogue!

And here's Kim "taking it easy" by walking around L.A. in stilt heels while looking like an overstuffed sausage disguised as a business woman.

On the back of his tire-less El Camino that's been parked on the front lawn of the Cyrus house for years, Billy Ray Cyrus is using wrappers from his Taco Party Pack to dry the chipmunk tears off of Miley Cyrus' face as she bawls into his moobs. Noah Cyrus has stopped working on the flower girl pole dance she planned to do on the altar and the Piggly Wiggly catering department has stopped catching possums for the reception buffet, because Miley's wedding to Liam Hemsworth is off!

A source tells Page Six that even though Miley screamed on Twitter about how her wedding is still happening,  it isn't. The hillbilly wedding of the year isn't off because Liam allegedly got frostbite on his dick from fucking January Jones. The wedding is off, because Miley, a 20-year-old, is partying too hard and Liam doesn't like it. Page Six's sores (Freudian typo and it stays) put it like this:

“Miley and Liam are done; it’s over. She likes to party really hard and can be pretty wild. It became a problem for him. They have broken up before, and are broken up again now. There was drama because she suspected he had a wandering eye. And she recently tweeted a denial that he cheated. While Miley has insisted they are still together, right now they are very, very much apart."

Liam went off to Australia to be with his family and Miley's been running around L.A. without her hitchin' ring on her finger.

Liam just couldn't take Miley's partying ways? Liam's publicist is funny. The chipmunk Draco Malfoy is 20. That's what you do when you're 20. You get a fake ID (or if you're Miley, you just say "I'm Miley, let me in"), you party and you get as many Capital One credit cards as you can and you max them all out at the bar (or if you're Miley, you just use cash). Besides, I too would be deep throating a bong and cleansing my insides with moonshine if my dude was out sticking his tongue in every trick but me.

And if you're in Southern California, you better grab your Snuggie, because the temperatures are going to drop when the home wrecking icicle in a wig that is January Jones cackles into the air after hearing this news.

The ol' Cyrus family Weddin' n' Baptizin pool won't be of much use for Liam anymore. Best keep it warm though. Still got 5,000 Jimmy D griddlers that need a flamin' and 500 Cyrus's that need a feedin'. - H321

Runners-up:

The quality of the Showcase Showdown prizes have diminished since Drew Carey started hosting The Price Is Right. - herroyalflyness

Jessica Simpson shows off the green hot tub she designed that runs solely on pregnancy farts. - Sweetas

via Break.com

The singing blue puppet pills from a 1983 PSA warning children to beware of medicine that looks like candy.

The people who created this fucked up PSA from the Long Island Regional Poison Control Center were definitely high on the right kind of pills when they came up with this, because it was a weird mess then and it's a weird mess now. It's weirdness has stood the test of time. Shit is so weird that Busta Rhymes used the lyrics in one of his songs.

Those singing pills were definitely the pill babies of Viagra and Xanax. If pills started singing like that at me, I'd swallow more pills to deal with their singing or I'd swallow their asses to stop the singing. It's serious!

And "we could make you delirious" is a selling point!

William H.Macy (63)
Emile Hirsch (28)
Natalie and Nicole Albino (29)
Toccara Jones (32)
Molly Stanton (33)
Danny Masterson (37)
Common (41)
Annabeth Gish (42)
Adam Clayton (53)
Kathy Hilton (54)
Dana Delany (57)
Glenne Headley (58)
Neil Sedaka (74)

Here's Courtney Stodden telling everyone everything they need to know about Courtney Stodden while teaching the children how to get famous in one simple step. Wow is right.

Source: dqdbpb via College Humor & Buzzfeed

GOOPY Paltrow's last cookbook was a vomit-inducing gourmet treasure trove of pretentious fuckery (example: "One evening when I had my wood-burning stove going I realized I hadn't thought of dessert.") and for her second cookbook, It's All Good, she put the wood-burning stove away and is getting into her food allergies instead.

It seems like it was just yesterday (it practically was) when GOOPY was bragging about how she eats anything she wants and now she's saying she can barely eat anything. GOOPY writes that one day she was serving lunch in the garden and she started to feel the same way I feel when I read GOOP:

"One sunny afternoon in London, in the spring of 2011, I thought — without sounding overly dramatic — that I was going to die. I had just served lunch in the garden at home. I had a vague feeling that I was going to faint, and I wasn't forming thoughts correctly. I got a searing pain in my head, I couldn't speak, and I felt as if I couldn't breathe. I thought I was having a stroke."

She went to the doctor and he told her it was just her brain trying to escape from her head again. No, he told her that she was severely anemic and had a vitamin D deficiency. After that, she cleansed herself of all the delicious things I shove down my eating hole on a daily basis: coffee, booze, sugar, potatoes, wheat and meat. GOOPY also found out that her husband Chris Martin and her two kids, Apple and Moses, are gluten intolerant, so she doesn't given them any pasta, bread, rice, sugar, dairy or chicken eggs. They basically eat heirloom kale seeds and drink fair trade dew drops imported from Holland.

"Every single nutritionist, doctor and health-conscious person I have ever come across . . . seems to concur that (gluten) is tough on the system and many of us are at best intolerant of it and at worst allergic to it. Sometimes when my family is not eating pasta, bread or processed grains like white rice, we’re left with that specific hunger that comes with avoiding carbs."

You know how some kids of celebrities grow up and get really into the bad shit and get arrested for all sorts of shit? Well, that could happen to Apple and Moses but instead of snorting Lohan powder, they're going to snort sugar and instead of getting arrested for drug possession, they're going to arrested for devouring donuts in the grocery story aisles before paying for that shit. They're gonna go full Little Chrissy.

via The Daily Mail 

Brandi Glanville was seven layers of tanked on Watch What Happens Live last night and when she's drunk, the foolery just flows out of her mouth. Andy Cohen asked Brandi if her arch rival LeAnn Rimes read her book and she wouldn't say anything bad about the Falkor of Texas. Brandi shoved talk of LeAnn Rimes to the side and went after Chelsea Handler instead. Chelsea was on WWHL last week and during the after-show she talked shit about all of the Housewives. Brandi had a message for her Chelsea:

"Like Chelsea Handler was here. She sucked on your show. She was horrible. She wasn't funny, it was completely awkward. I saw the after-show where she was putting down the Housewives. Chelsea, suck it. We know each other... We have the same gaygent and I made out with her lesbian and her assistant and her brother, so she hates me."

Her lesbian? Does that mean Chelsea owns a lesbian? But whatever, who hasn't Brandi made out with? I'm sure 90% of the tongues in the L.A. area have had Brandi Glanville DNA on them at one point or another. Shit, 90% of everything in the L.A. area has been touched by Brandi Glanville DNA at one point or another. If light poles could talk, I'm sure one would tell me that Brandi is all tongue when she makes out. And it makes sense that Brandi hates Chelsea and vice versa. They're both proud drunks, they're both proud sluts and they're both proud wearers of thirsty weaves. They both probably think that the other one is swallowing up the entire world's supply of vodka, peen and yellow weaves.

ABC News 2 (via Buzzfed) in Nashville brings us this highly important BREAKING NEWS story about a woman who found hundreds upon hundreds of mostly unopened fan letters to Taylor Swift in a recycling dumpster. Kylee Francescan was throwing some newspapers into the recycling dumpster near her house when she noticed a mountain of glitter-covered envelopes in there. Surprisingly, the envelopes weren't stuffed with threatening letters written in cutout magazine text from all the ex-boyfriends she wrote songs about. They were fan letters from all over the world.

Kylee knows how much Taylor cares about her fans (her words, not mine), so she pulled all the letters out of the dumpster, because she wanted to find a way to get them to her. Kylee called up News 2 and asked for their help. They dropped everything to help Kylee get the letters to Taylor. The letters were all addressed to a PO Box in a strip mall in Hendersonville, TN. The owner of the strip mall told News 2 that Taylor gets boxes of fan letters all the time and a member of her management team shows up every now and again to pick up the mail. News 2 took the letters to the offices of Taylor Swift's record company. The record company didn't know why those letters were dumped like trash. Taylor's management company told News 2 that they didn't know about the letters either. They gave News 2 this statement:

"Taylor gets thousands of fan letters everyday and they are delivered to her management office. After the letters are opened and read, they are recycled. The only explanation for any letters being unopened would be that a small batch of mail that was supposed to be delivered to Taylor was accidentally put with letters headed for the recycling center. We sincerely appreciate Channel 2 bringing this to our attention, and we plan to immediately pick up the mail."

Taylor's rep went on to say that they are launching an investigation to find the trick who threw all that unopened fan mail into the dumpster. That trick will be punished. There's a special place in hell for interns who don't help Taylor Swift by opening up her fan letters before dumping them into the dumpster.

I've only sent one handwritten fan letter in my life. (The locks of my own pubic hair I send to Anderson Cooper's office on a monthly basis don't count.) When I was 6 years old, I wrote to Cyndi Lauper and I told her that she was the prettiest girl in the world and I liked her songs. I'm dumb now, but I was really dumb then, because I didn't even put an address on the envelope. I just wrote "To: Cyndi Lauper" and put the envelope on my mailbox for the postman to pick up. It never made it into the postman's bag. My sister's friend, who was the bitchiest girl on the block, got to the letter first. She opened it and wrote a response as Cyndi Lauper.

Like I said before, I was really damn dumb then, because I didn't think it was strange that I got a response from Cyndi Lauper the next day. (It might've even been the same day. I thought life like a cartoon. Everything happens in fast motion.) The fake response from fake Cyndi Lauper wasn't mean or anything. It was nice. It made me really happy and I was really excited about it until the bitchiest girl on the block killed the rainbow around me by telling me that she's the one who wrote the letter. She laughed in my 6-year-old face! That bitch. I'll never forgive her for toying with my emotions.

But you know, she got hers. I went to my mom's house a few weeks ago and saw the bitchiest girl on the block, who now lives in her childhood house, walking down the street. She had UGGs on her feet and an Aeropostale t-shirt on her body. UGGs and an Aeropostale t-shirt! That's punishment enough.

Shhh, don't say anything, but the Kimye fetus has temporarily moved into Kim Kardashian's ass before it makes its grand escape out the backdoor - The Superficial 

Screw Leonardo DiCaprio, this is the real pussy posse of Hollywood - Lainey Gossip

Is that an iPhone in ASkars' pocket or a grip to help us climb up his Swedish mountain of a body? I'm going with the latter - Celebitchy 

Lady CaCa is copying Larry Flynt now - Towleroad

Porn stars SANS FARDS - Drunken Stepfather

Halle Berry's tits made an appearance on The Tonight Show last night - Popoholic

Tamara Eccelstone's a billionaire heiress with a $2 boob job - Hollywood Tuna 

This post is like an In Memoriam for all the delicious things that died in Kirstie Alley's stomach over the decades - The Berry 

Teen Mom Jenelle quit rehab after 4 days - ICYDK

Edward Norton and his fiance made a baby together - Just Jared

There's a special place in heaven for women who tell the paps to fuck off when they ask about Taylor Swift  - IDLYITW

Gerard Butler admits to having a one night stand with Brandi Glanville, but he doesn't remember her last name - Reality Tea 

And here's 1/4th of Kellan Lutz's muscled up ass - OMG Blog

I'd like Justin Bieber a whole lot more if he traded in his 1994 beanie hat for this extra fancy Cuntier cap - Jezebel

Before she was launching Blackberries through the air, Naomi Campbell was on The Cosby Show - The Frisky 

Yet another romantic and poetic love song from Bam Margera - Videogum

Mrs. Cunningham should give John Travolta some wig lessons - SOW

Ivana Trump wears a cape made from Donald Trump's pubes - I'm Not Obsessed

(Pic via Splash)