Willomena Morris, the flying leprechaun fairy from The Beatles cartoon show.
During the second episode of the show that is best viewed when high on acid, The Beatles all go to Dublin and so naturally they meet a gorgeous ginger leprechauness with eyes that take up half of her face and a hairline like Jermaine Jackson. She takes them to the Land of the Leprechauns and they get there by dancing a jig through a purple and rainbow wonderland.
Willomena is a serious and shifty pimp, because once they get to the Land of the Leprechauns, she doesn't lead them to a pot of gold, she leads them to the leprechaun band she manages. She tells The Beatles that she'll give them a cut of the profits if they help her band get started. That's how a pimp does it. Promise them a pot of gold, but instead ask them to make your band famous.
And the short synopsis of this episode is: The Beatles go to Dublin and do a lot of hallucinogenic drugs.
Happy St. Patrick's Day, everyone! Or if you're like me and drink beer and worship the green on a daily basis, Happy Just Another Day!
Rob Kardashian (26)
Stormy Daniels (34)
Tamar Braxton (36)
Brittany Daniel (37)
Cynthia Daniel (37)
Justin Hawkins (38)
Natalie Zea (38)
Marisa Coughlin (39)
Caroline Corr (40)
Mia Hamm (41)
Billy Corgan (46)
Rob Lowe (49)
Vicki Lewis (53)
Gary Sinise (58)
Lesley-Anne Down (59)
Kurt Russell (62)
Patrick Duffy (64)
The title alone should've made the charred block of ground bitterness in your chest beat just once. I was going to post pictures of Kim Kardashian looking like OctoMom trapped in a parachute, but who needs to look at that kind of fuckery when you can look at a bunch of pug puppies losing their eyeballs while getting a bubble bath instead. Their bulging eyes! Their bubble beards! They're the most adorable little meth heads ever. And I bet that when you blow weed smoke in Justin Bieber's face, he looks exactly like a pug puppy getting blow dried.
And The Sun never lies to us! How will we ever trust them again? Forget everything I said about how Stacy Keibler has retired from being George Clooney's award season escort and is on the lookout for another piece to turn into a silent arm accessory who will burn the word "marriage" from her vocabulary. George and Stacy proved that they're still together by holding hands while going to dinner with Matt Damon in Berlin last night.
George knows that nothing goes with his stache like a glowing beard. And Stacy has the same kind of glow every ho has when she finds out that her option was finally picked up again. Stacy will get to ride that stache again.
And Stacy went to the trouble of calling the paps to kill the break-up rumors with a hand-holding photo-op, and George couldn't put on a manufactured smile?! He's looking like Grumpy Cat and shit. So ungrateful.
While Apple and Moses Martin are eating the stuck cheese off of the McDonald's wrappers they smuggled into their bedrooms because they are HONGRAY, Goopy Paltrow is downstairs sharing a crystal goblet full of calorie-free organic air with a bunch of women who were too threatened by her to be her friend 14 years ago. Goopy tells Self Magazine (more like Self-Involved Magazine if Fishsticks is on the cover) that after Harvey Weinstein pretty much bought her an Oscar for Shakespeare in Love, women were too jealous of her power to be her friend. But now that she's more seasoned and has been through a lot (I'll wait here as you go and pick up the eyeball that rolled out onto the floor), women like Beyonce and Cameron Diaz want to be her friend. The Anne Hathaway of her time shat out this dingle of ridiculousness.
"I feel a sisterhood emerging around me. I’m less threatening now that I’m 40 and not 26-with-an-Oscar. They know I’ve been through a lot of pain and suffering – some public, some private – and I keep going. Or maybe it’s just that I was the first one who could afford therapy!"
Goopy really has been through a lot of pain and suffering! One time at a restaurant, she ordered a caviar-encrusted piece of raw bluefin tuna on a bed of cloud puree and the waiter brought her a caviar-encrusted piece of seared bluefin tuna instead. THE PAIN! Another time, she was watching a TV documentary on Ethiopia to get diet tips when a commercial for Pillsbury Crescent Rolls came on. THE SUFFERING! Goopy can't even look at processed carbs, that's how allergic to gluten she is. And let's not even get into the time she had to rip her wood-burning pizza oven out because her weekday nanny put a DiGiorno in there. She has been through a lot!
And Goopy only has friends like Beyonce and Cameron Diaz now, because all the insufferable and pretentious crap that comes out of her mouth makes them feel humble and sane by comparison.
via The Daily Mail
Nothing make you forget the week of woe you've had like getting a new look, so Justin Bieber sprinkled a few Chia pet seeds above his lip and is trying grow a stache. Instead of laughing we should all be impressed that a fetus can actually grow a thin layer of peach fuzz above his lip. Yes, he looks like a 14-year-old girl after getting her stache bleached and I've seen more hair on an actual peach, but the toddler Vanilla Ice has still achieved the impossible. So butch, so manly.
And I should be proud of myself for achieving the impossible: I made it through that post without making one Dirty Sanchez joke.
Taylor Swift is sliding her beard services business card under Ryan Seacrest's front door and Tommy Girl is scheduling an "audition" with Julianne Hough right now, because Ryan and Julianne are done after dating for over 2 years. People says that Ryan never had time for Julianne because he's the hardest working gnome on the stroll...and because she got sick of him calling her Derek whenever they bumped butts. This is actually pretty shocking, because you'd think that a relationship between a Mormon and a gay frog would last forever!
Some other source tells UsWeekly that since Ryan has 400 jobs, he's constantly working and never had time for Julianne. So Julianne packed up her strap-ons and got out of there, because even a leased beard needs to be groomed and fluffed every now and again. That source said this:
"Dude works all the time," a pal tells Us Weekly. "He never sleeps." Although dancer-turned-actress Hough, 24, has an increasingly hectic slate of projects herself, her priorities were a little different. It's a lifestyle she couldn't handle anymore. Work always, always came first [for Ryan] She wants a more lowkey life."
It all makes sense now! TMZ had a story a couple of days about how Julianne Hough went to visit a friend in Hollywood and left her Mercedes in the parking lot. When she went back to her car, the door was open and $100,000 worth of jewelry was missing. Ho left a bunch of jooree that Ryan Seacrest gave her in her car. I knew something in the milk wasn't clean about that. Just in case Ryan ever asked for those jewels back, she pawned them all off and covered it up by saying she was robbed. Clever beard.
And here's Ryan and Julianne in St. Barts last year during happier and carefree times when they weren't even thinking about contract renegotiations.
The Sky Dancers look like they twirled right out of the glitter-covered pastel vagine of the 1980s, but they were actually born in the middle of the 90s. They first came out in 1994 and quickly became the gayest, greatest and most fabulous weapon of choice for kids. You'd put your Sky Dancer on a base, pull the string and she'd spin up into the air. Because kids are always trying to murder each other, they'd shoot Sky Dancers at each other's faces. If you're going to get your eye poked out, you might as well get it poked by a Sky Dancers' wing. The wings were made of foam, but over 100 parents complained about their kids getting hurt by a flying wing, so the Sky Dancers were pulled off of the shelves in 2000. They made a short-lived comeback in 2005.
Here's the original commercial:
So precious, so pretty and so graceful. They're like something Clay Aiken might fart up. I bet that the Scientologists bought as many Sky Dancers as they could, because when the human vs. alien war finally goes down, they're going to launch these at us from behind their fortress. These definitely look like Scientology fighter jets and they're totally going to win the war because of them.
There was also a Sky Dancers cartoon!
Never 4get Sky Dancers! Nobody bitch slapped children like the Sky Dancers.
Brian Wilson (31)
Wolfgang Van Halen (22)
Peaches Geldof (24)
Nicole Trunfio (27)
Brooke Burns (35)
Blu Cantrell (37)
Paul Schneider (37)
Sienna Guillory (38)
Alan Tudyk (42)
Judah Friedlander (44)
Tracy Bonham (46)
Lauren Graham (46)
Gore Verbinski (49)
Patty Griffin (49)
Flavor Flav (54)
Isabelle Huppert (58 or 60)
Nancy Wilson (59)
Kate Nelligan (62)
Victor Garber (65)
Erik Estrada (65)
Chuck Woolery (72)
Bernardo Bertolucci (73)
Jerry Lewis (87)
UPDATE: TMZ reports he is in critical condition but is stabilizing. They are also saying he's asleep, but before he conked out, he tweeted his fans saying that he's OK. Apparently Purple Drank gives you the power to sleep tweet. Lesson of the day kids, you shouldn't always rub a lil 'Tussin on it.
If you ask TMZ about Lil Wayne, they'll tell you he's in a coma right now and not doing well. If you ask his friend Mack Maine of Young Money/Cash Money about Lil Wayne, he'll tell you that TMZ is telling lies. First, here's TMZ's story...
TMZ says that Lil Wayne is in a coma at Cedars Sinai in L.A. and he's in a serious, serious way. Lil Wayne's family and friends have all shown up, because doctors aren't sure if he's going to pull through. Wayne's mom is currently flying to L.A. and apparently no decisions will be made about his health until she gets to the hospital.
Lil Wayne regularly suffers from seizures and on Tuesday night he was hospitalized after having a ton of seizures. Wayne was released on Wednesday, but he was back in the hospital that day after his bodyguard found him unconscious on the floor. Wayne was taken to the hospital again, but this time his condition was worse and they weren't able to control the seizures. They put him in ICU and had to restrain him to a bed, because he kept shaking. They put him in an induced coma and he's breathing through tubes.
The doctors found a whole lot of codeine in his system, so they think that Lil Wayne went wild and drank a pool full of Sizzurp when he got out of the hospital on Wednesday. There was so much Purple Drank in his body that they had to pump his stomach 3 times.
That's TMZ's story, but Mack Maine is tweeting something completely different:
Wayne is alive and well! We watching the Syracuse game...thanks for the prayers and concern..he will update you all soon. #love
We will be releasing an official statement shortly but dont believe the nonsense about comas and tubes to breathe...that's false!!
Who to believe?! Well, hopefully Lil Wayne is fine and watching a basketball game, because he has like 10,000 kids (at least) to support.