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In her 5,902,487th interview of the month, Goopy Paltrow tells USA Today that she knows the stick shoved up her ass is a "lightning rod" and people constantly "project a lot of stuff" onto her. She doesn't ready any of that stuff, because it's none of her business. Goopy gets that people think she's too privileged, but she's just a woman with real problems. Goopy's not perfect and she has suffered in her life. Goopy does have a point. I mean, one time her laundress used Palmolive to wash her 22k white gold thread sheets. Goopy didn't know about it until she had already used those sheets. She spent hours scrubbing the average out of her pristine skin with a sponge made from the fur of a wild baby boar. That is SUFFERING!

When Goopy started complaining about how tired she is, USA Today's writer stroked the softest parts of her ego a bit by asking her how is it possible for her to look so fresh the morning after the Met Gala? Goopy spat this out:

"Are you crazy? I'm like RuPaul! I have so much makeup on. Foundation! Last night, I was literally a transvestite."

Either English professor Rachel Zoe taught Gwyneth Paltrow what the definition of "literally" is or she's trying to tell us that she's got a flaccid, pasty, pencil dick hanging between her legs. Whatever the case may be, she's offending "transvestites" everywhere, because no transvestite I've seen would ever go outside looking that bland, basic and boring.

And I have only one response to her "I'm like RuPaul" comment:

Play it again, because that comment deserves a double slap.

Way before the Fastpass existed, I worked at Disneyland and my friends who worked the rides would complain to me about the fraudulent, shady whores who'd fake an injury to get to the front of the line. They'd tell me about schemers who'd roll up into the handicap line in a wheelchair and act like they had a broken ankle or some crap like that. My friends would tell me that the only thing broken on those whores were their sense of morals. While they went on and on about how disgusting those fakers were, I thought to myself, "That's actually a smart scheme." Sigourney Weaver's Heartbreakers character is one of my idols, so that explains why I have those thoughts.

Well, the New York Post says that some tour guide companies have taken that scheme to a whole new level and are renting out disabled tour guides to richies who can't be bothered with waiting in long lines at Disney World. Dr. Wednesday Martin (that's a hot name) found out about the underground network of "black market" Disney World tour guides while doing research for her book Primates of Park Avenue.

Some richies used to pay $310 to $380 an hour for a VIP guide and Fastpasses from Disney World's own tour department. But now some of those richies are paying a disabled tour guide from an outside tour company $130 an hour to pretend to be a member of their family. Disney World allows each guest who needs a wheelchair or motorized scooter to bring up to six guests with them to a special handicap entrance. Some rich Manhattan moms say that it's easier and cheaper than using a VIP guide.

Dr. Wednesday says that not everybody can call up and rent a disabled tour guide. You have to get a referral, so some Upper East Side twats see it as fucked up status symbol. Dr. Wednesday explained it to the Post:

“Who wants a speed pass when you can use your black-market handicapped guide to circumvent the lines all together? So when you’re doing it, you’re affirming that you are one of the privileged insiders who has and shares this information.”

Dream Tours Florida, one of the companies named by Manhattan richies as a provider of disabled tour guides, denied taking part in the scheme. The dude who runs the place, Ryan Clement, said that his tour guide girlfriend Jacie Christiano has an auto-immune disorder and uses a motorized scooter on the job, but that she isn't exploiting her disability for profit.

I don't know about this mess... Wouldn't the employees at Disney World realize that something in the milk wasn't clean every time Jacie rolled on in with new family members. How many times can you say, "Oh, these are my second cousins from my father's side"? But then again, I can say that truthfully since I have at least 30,000 cousins.

And this scheme is giving Pimp Mama Kris ideas. Rob Kardashian's sock line tanked and he's eating more money than he's worth, so it's only a matter of time before PMK dangles a piece of bacon at his face with one hand and Tonya Hardings him in the knee with the other. Then he can go work for Dream Tours and add something to the Kartrashian family fortune.

The Bumblebeys (yes, I get pus-filled hives on my fingers every time I type that) of Antwerp, Belgium won't be able to see their Queen of the Beyhive (there comes those hives again) make overexcited dog faces (see: the face above) in concert, because she has canceled tonight's show and she might cancel tomorrow night's show too. According to UsWeekly, Beyonce's spokeswhore tells the AP that she's come down with a serious case of the tireds and a serious case of the thirsties. Beyonce just needs to put on her restin' wig and have a seat. (Yes, some of you have been telling her to have a seat for years and she's finally answering your prayers.)

Beyonce is one month into her Mrs. Carter Show world tour and she has three more months to go. Beyonce's rep says that doctors ordered her to lie down on a pile of freshly plucked swan feathers as her minions bring her hand-carved ice balls on a gold platter. I'm really supposed to beylieve that Beyonce's doctors ordered her to rest? Beyonce probably went up to her doctors and said, "Hi, I'm Beyonce, write me a sick note now. I'm waiting, whore."

Beyonce's rep also said that Beyonce's doctors will decide soon if she's going to perform tomorrow night.

Usually when celebwhores use the "exhaustion" excuse, it means they're cracked out on crack or they don't want to tell people the real reason for why they're canceling shit. So of course this is just giving more life to the rumor that she's expecting another chosen one. If that's the case, then I totally believe that Beyonce is tired and dehydrated. Because walking around with a pillow strapped to your belly is really tiring and just thinking about it makes me thirsty for a cold pop.

Just a few hours after St. Angie Jo's op-ed piece for The New York Times filled up everybody's Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr and life feeds, Brad Pitt released his own statement to The London Evening Standard.

As Chelsea Handler's forehead vein explodes while she tries to figure out what in the fuck she's going to say about this, Brad Pitt released this statement of words. It's best if you read it in his Chanel No. 5 voice, especially the "absolutely heroic" part.

“Having witnessed this decision firsthand, I find Angie’s choice, as well as so many others like her, absolutely heroic. I thank our medical team for their care and focus. All I want for is for her to have a long and healthy life, with myself and our children. This is a happy day for our family.”

But isn't almost every day a happy day for Brad Pitt? He has millions of dollars, a cellar full of the finest good shit, locks full of grease that can double as peen lube, is always in the presence of Zahara's signature up-eye and he's usually stoned to infinity and beyond. So it's an EXTRA happy day.

If you're hoping that next season, NBC will completely retool SNL and fill it with nothing but skits starring Stefon (they can call it Stefonly Night Live)... Well, I have to break your boner of dreams, because that's not happening. Stefon (real name: William Hader) told The New York Times (Side note: In the past 12 hours, I've been posting so much stuff from The New York Times. Does that me smarter or them trashier?) that he'll take his final bow on the SNL stage during Saturday's season finale. Bill Hader has been on SNL for 8 years and he says that it's time for him to officially, once and for all quit that bitch:

“It was a hard decision, but it has to happen at some point. It got to a point where I said, ‘Maybe it’s just time to go.’ ”

Seth Meyers is leaving after next season to do Late Night and the Times says that Fred Armisen and Jason Sudeikis might also follow Bill Hader out the exit door.

The good news is that now Bill Hader has time to make a road trip movie starring himself as Stefon and himself as Lindsey Buckingham.

Courtney Stodden was afraid jumping out of a cake for her husband's birthday party would mess up her lip gloss, so she opted for plan B. - jellin76

Runners-up:

So...your prostitute's name was Tucky Charms, who kept bragging about being "Magically Suspicious", and you woke up this morning with a weird phallic shaped bruise on your face? Well, that is a mystery... - cs182

It was only a matter of time before someone found another use for that lickable wallpaper from Willy Wonka's factory tour. - Migraine Sally

Charlie Sheen knew exactly what to get his twin boys for their fifth birthday. He wasn't worried about the size - they'd grow into it. - LaChaylo

via Fail Blog (Thanks, Darla)

Drunk Ass Sandra Lee's pet cockatoo Phoenix!

For a week, the Food Network's resident drunk mess Sandra Lee told The New York Times' Fashion & Style section what she wore every day and the article is a lie, because nowhere does it say that she wore vodka stains, puddles of dried Elmer's Glue and splashes of Hpnotiq on her clothes daily. But anyway, the First Drunk Lady of New York talked about how her pet cockatoo Phoenix, a gift from her piece Governor Andrew Cuomo, ruined the dress she was going to wear to the Met Gala. It goes without saying, but I LOVE PHOENIX! Drunk Ass Sandy put it like this:

Two weeks before, I had received my invitation to the Met Gala excited about this year’s theme: punk. I had a Vivienne Westwood dress, midnight black, perfectly beaded bodice and floor-length multilayered tulle skirt — perfect for the gala. I entered the walk-in closet to find Phoenix had severed nearly every bead, crystal and pearl from the dress. No joke. Into the cage Phoenix went...

More like, into the microwave Phoenix went..... On the next Semi-Homemade, Drunk Ass Sandy will make "almost tastes like chicken" cockatoo enchiladas using leftover tortillas from El Pollo Loco, the dried crust stuck to the lid of a jar of Tostito's queso dip, fire-roasted salsa packets from Taco Bell and a dollop of Daisy.

Phoenix was just doing Drunk Ass Sandy a favor. The Met Gala's theme was "punk" so he was punking that dress up. Drunk Ass Sandy was too drunk to appreciate Phoenix's styling skills. I doubt that was the first time Phoenix messed up something in Drunk Ass Sandy's house. Every time she makes one of her busted ass tablescapes, Phoenix probably tears that mess apart. Phoenix is one of us!

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In an op-ed piece for The New York Times, Angelina Jolie writes that she had a double mastectomy after finding out that she had the gene, BRCA1, which increases her risk of getting breast cancer. Doctors told Angie Jolie that she had an 87 percent chance of getting breast cancer and a 50 percent chance of getting ovarian cancer. So a little over three months ago, she underwent the first of many medical procedures, including getting reconstructive implants, and her double mastectomy was completed on April 27. Angie's chances of getting breast cancer have gone from 87 percent to 5 percent. And she did it all without the media finding out. In every tabloid office right now, the editor is firing every damn reporter for not finding this out first.

Angelina's mother Marcheline Bertrand died of ovarian cancer and she writes that although some of her child army got a chance to meet their grandmother, they'll never get to know her. So Angie Jolie had the double mastectomy so she can tell the child army that they don't have to worry about losing her to breast cancer. Angie writes about how she made the decision to get a double mastectomy:

Only a fraction of breast cancers result from an inherited gene mutation. Those with a defect in BRCA1 have a 65 percent risk of getting it, on average.

Once I knew that this was my reality, I decided to be proactive and to minimize the risk as much I could. I made a decision to have a preventive double mastectomy. I started with the breasts, as my risk of breast cancer is higher than my risk of ovarian cancer, and the surgery is more complex.

On April 27, I finished the three months of medical procedures that the mastectomies involved. During that time I have been able to keep this private and to carry on with my work.

Angie then writes that she decided to go public with her decision to help other women and she's lucky she has Brad Pitt to support her. What she means by that is that Brad Pitt supplied her with some seriously potent chronic while she was healing.

I wanted to write this to tell other women that the decision to have a mastectomy was not easy. But it is one I am very happy that I made. My chances of developing breast cancer have dropped from 87 percent to under 5 percent. I can tell my children that they don’t need to fear they will lose me to breast cancer.

It is reassuring that they see nothing that makes them uncomfortable. They can see my small scars and that’s it. Everything else is just Mommy, the same as she always was. And they know that I love them and will do anything to be with them as long as I can. On a personal note, I do not feel any less of a woman. I feel empowered that I made a strong choice that in no way diminishes my femininity.

I am fortunate to have a partner, Brad Pitt, who is so loving and supportive. So to anyone who has a wife or girlfriend going through this, know that you are a very important part of the transition. Brad was at the Pink Lotus Breast Center, where I was treated, for every minute of the surgeries. We managed to find moments to laugh together. We knew this was the right thing to do for our family and that it would bring us closer. And it has.

For any woman reading this, I hope it helps you to know you have options. I want to encourage every woman, especially if you have a family history of breast or ovarian cancer, to seek out the information and medical experts who can help you through this aspect of your life, and to make your own informed choices.

And now she's officially, officially a saint!

Will Smith said in an interview a couple of weeks ago that he and Jada Pinkett Smith don't believe in punishing their kids. They believe that their kids are responsible for their own lives. They let their kids do whatever they want as long as they can explain to Will and Jada why that was the right thing to do for their lives. It's directly from the Scientology parenting book. But you know, Will and Jada have something in common with abuelitas. Because abuelitas also ask for an explanation when you do something bad. An abeulita wants you to explain to her why she shouldn't beat your ass with a chancelta for not acting right.

Well, now Will is telling The Sun (via Radar) that 14-year-old Jaden Smith wants even more freedom. Specifically, Jaden wants to be free to live in his own damn house. Will says Jaden told him that for his 15th birthday, he wants to legally quit their asses.

“He says, ‘Dad, I want to be emancipated.’ I know if we do this, he can be an emancipated minor, because he really wants to have his own place, like ‘Ooh.' That’s the backlash. On the other side, if kids just want to have command of their lives, I understand.”

A 15-year-old millionaire who can't even drive living in his own house.... What can go wrong besides EVERYTHING? Before Jaden emancipates himself from his parents, he should emancipate that constipated expression from his face. He should probably start there first.