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Or maybe that headline should be: Well, Now We Know What Kristen Bell And Dax Shepard's Favorite Division Of Ford Motors Is.

Nine months ago, Kristen Bell and Dax Shepard made a baby together while watching sloth porn (I'm guessing) and now that baby is here. Both Kristen and Dax tweeted the news today and slipped out the name they wrote on their first daughter's birth certificate. Unfortunately, they didn't write the name Slotherina Kickstarter.

Lincoln Bell Shepard. My brain has been sitting on that name for a good 40 minutes and I still don't know what to think about it. When I say the name "Lincoln Bell Shepard" out loud, it feels like I'm taking attendance. Those are three last names! They should've named her Liberty Bell or Ringa Mai Bell. Missed opportunity.

Dax and Kristen are kind of crazy, so I'm guessing that they decided a long time ago to name their kid after the character the Oscar winner for Best Actor played. Lincoln should feel lucky, because if Hugh Jackman won, her name would've been Jean Valjean Bell Shepard.

via People

Kiki Dunst is wearing a gummy worm leather fringe vest (because why not?) on BULLETT Magazine and I don't know if she's fingering a ghost or throwing gang signs, but I definitely feel threatened either way - Celebitchy

This is how Shia LaDouche is fucking with Alec Baldwin - Lainey Gossip

Even Tamara Eccelstone's colonoscopy exams look fancy - Drunken Stepfather 

Those joints look like twisted peens with smoking nipples, but Willie Nelson is still an international treasure - Towleroad

But when is it going to be #NoTowelThursday? - The Berry 

My mom has at least 5 boxes of mom clothes from the early 90s and I'm sure she'd love to sell them to Vanessa Hudgens and Little Sister Hudgens - Hollywood Tuna

Adriana Lima shows you that you can be the vision of elegance with just an old white drape and some white masking tape - Popoholic

Correction: The call girls love Corey Feldman's money - ICYDK

I don't even have a vagina and my vagina hurt while I read this story - Jezebel

Alternate title: Actresses with meth mouth - OMG Blog

I'm sure Lindsay Lohan gave Charlie Sheen a lazy handy in his trailer, so she earned that bracelet, thankyouverymuch - IDLYITW

My Girl is having a babeh - The Marquee Blog

Demi Lovato's eyebrows will be on The X-Factor again next season - Just Jared

Vicki from The Real Housewives of Orange County went from looking like Droopy Dog to looking like an egg with lashes - Reality Tea

Olivier Martinez's beach outfit is not it - Popsugar

Olivier Martinez's beach outfit is not it, the sequel - Moe Jackson

The hell is Chupa's child wearing? - I'm Not Obsessed

Live from the Glittery Gays of YouTube road show - Boy Culture

The time Sesame Street joined a future lady beater and a boy toucher together - Crunk + Disorderly

If Fatty Arbuckle was resurrected to star in a reboot of Ocean's 11, this is what it would look like.

The police in Redding, CA are asking the public to be on the lookout for a thieving buffoon with a gunt like no other. (Side note: Nothing will make you feel secure in the police like them asking you to help them catch a complete idiot.) The FUPA Bandit's streak of terror began earlier this month when he tried to rob Kent Market. After casing the joint (he probably saw that on a TruTV movie), he put on a masterful disguise (a pantyhose mask) and threw a rock at the glass door. The alarm went off and the Benny Hill music started playing. He ran off, tripped, got up, pulled up his pajama pants and kept on a running. When he pulled up his pajama pants, I fell in love.

If the police really wanted to catch him, they'd just set up a sting operation (a sub sandwich on a park bench). No, he'd never fall for it. He's a professional criminal. Dude is such a master of disguise that I bet that's not even a home grown front butt. It's probably a pillow baby. Oh, shit. Beyonce should check her closet right about now.

Source: Redding.com via Gawker

There's usually one house in every neighborhood that celebrates Christmas times all year round and is never without lights on it. My house was that house for a while. One year, my uncle, who didn't live with us, suddenly decided that our house really needed some Christmas lights. He put them up and they never came down. You know my abuelita wasn't going to pull out a damn ladder and my mom worked all the time, so they stayed up for years. They became a part of the house. The house started to eat them. We never turned them on and they stopped working. I should've told people that they weren't Christmas lights, they were siding studs. Very on trend. I don't think our neighbors ever gave a shit. Although, one smart ass whore neighbor wished me a Merry Christmas while I was on the driveway choreographing a dance number to a Jody Watley song for my own pleasure. It was July. Anyway, our neighbors didn't seem to care, but Maria Shriver's rich ass neighbors do....

TMZ has an EXCLUSIVO video they shot on Tuesday night of Christmas lights twinkling bright in front of Maria Shriver's Brentwood house. Maria turns on the lights nightly and she's had them up since December. Maria's neighbors aren't dazzled by them and want her to take them down. But instead of knocking on Maria's door and telling it to her face, they called TMZ. TMZ is the new passive aggressive note.

Maria's neighbors don't want to hurt her feelings, so they hope their note through TMZ gets to her and she takes them down. Those neighbors need to pull the platinum stick from out their asses and get over it. Those don't even look like Christmas lights to me. That looks like some Disney park shit to me. Don't some rich people always decorate their front yard trees with light-up diamond necklaces? I'm sure Maria will take down her Christmas lights....but only so she can rearrange them into a message for all her neighbors. I'm sure we'll see the lit-up words "F ALL U TWATS" on Maria's front yard shrubs real soon. Don't mess with the Skeletor of the Kennedy family.

Speaking of things that twinkle, here's Maria's hairless twink son Patrick Schwarzenegger in Hawaii the other day.

In between threatening to throw a lawsuit at Perez Hilton and wishing that her vagina and Drake will guest star on an all new episode of Law & Order: SVU, Amanda Bynes dropped this non-RuPaul approved affirmation into the eyes of her Twitter followers this morning. So I guess what she's saying is that the only reason she dressed like this is because her lovah is really into her looking like a late 80s trailer park hooker who works part-time as a waitress at a German beer hall.

Getting a job as Brit Brit's leased boyfriend is almost harder than getting a job as Tommy Girl's robot beard and it's way harder than getting a job at Target. Radar says that right after Brit Brit's contract with Jason Trainwreck expired and he was dropped from her payroll, Daddy Spears started looking for a new full-time male escort to keep her occupied so she won't chew out the tracking device from under her skin, pull her pink wig out of storage and go on a gas station terror tour again.

A source says that Daddy Spears gave David Lucado the job, because the dude's normal enough and just like Brit Brit, he likes dressing like he just bought everything from a Miller's Outpost clearance sale in the 90s. But before Normal Guy Dave officially got the job as Brit Brit's corporate Frapp holder, he had to go through a serious background check and sign an agreement stating that he'll never open up his mouth about her personal life. Radar's source didn't say this, but I'm pretty sure Normal Guy Dave also got a health check-up to make sure he's not allergic to spicy pork rinds and Cheetos. That's a deal breaker. The source said this:

“Jamie has known David (Lucado) for awhile, and always thought he was a thoughtful, and an all-around good guy. Britney needed someone to keep her company after she and Jason (Trawick) broke up. It had to be a male, because Britney just doesn’t respond as well to females. And remember, she is still under a conservatorship. Before David started spending time with Brit, he had to undergo a background check, and sign a confidentiality agreement, all arranged by Papa Spears. Jamie makes sure if things go south between Jamie and Britney, details about her life wouldn’t be made public. David had absolutely no problem with it, and completely understood why it was being done."

"Britney just doesn't respond as well to females...." They're talking about her like she's a sedated circus animal who's only purpose to her emotionless handlers is to make them zillions of dollars. Oh, wait...

Background checking a possible piece isn't only something that a hillbilly puppet master does to protect his money-making pop doll, it's something a lot of people do. At one time, my cousin wanted to be a regular Detective La Toya and she was taking private investigator training courses. Running background checks became her drug. She loved doing it. Every time I started dating a new dude, she'd ask me if I wanted her to run a background check on him. I always turned her ass down, because what's the point? Even if he had a record the size of a Lohan's or had a credit score under 600, I'd still do him.

Here's Normal Guy Dave and Brit Brit going to eat meatballs in Las Vegas over the weekend. Try not to be jealous of her hillbilly Farrah wings.

Page Six is saying that Lindsay Lohan went to a party at Kristen Stewart's house (read: broke into Kristen Stewart's house through a guest bedroom window) and bonded with KStew all night (read: went through KStew's trash and stole a used tampon, burnt weed buds and a grease ball of hair, which she's going to sell on the down low to Twihards who need a fix).

Page Six's source says that LiLo and Kristen Stewart know each other through a mutual friend (read: their dealer) and so LiLo was invited to one of KStew's parties last week. The source said that RPattz was at the party too, but it was LiLo who got all of KStew's attention and the two messes "discussed their careers, creative ideas and how they deal with living under the focus of the media and the paparazzi.”

Yeah, that's not what they talked about. They both have the communication skills of an extra slow cave baby, so I doubt they even exchanged more than 5 words. They stared at each other, KStew drooled and LiLo grunted before one of them finally shouted, "Want to smoke some meth?!" Then they scissored until the carbon monoxide alarm went off. The end.

But seriously, LiLo needs to stop leaking stories to Page Six. Oh, LiLo, that wasn't Kristen Stewart's house. It was a dumpster behind the Seventh Veil strip club on Sunset Blvd. And that wasn't Kristen Stewart you were bonding with. It was a malnourished alley rat. I know, it's easy to get the two confused.

Here's KStew's best friend (in her head) getting on a flight to Brazil while wearing her latest mug shot ensemble.

Surprisingly enough, all the Supreme Court Justices didn't stop the Prop 8 hearings yesterday to announce that after much consideration, they've decided to overturn Prop 8 and also make marriage legal for everyone everywhere, because when it came down to it they realized that they really, really just want to see Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie get married. But that didn't happen, so Brad and St. Angie are still the opposite of married.

St. Angie graced the Congo with her holy presence a few days ago and when she got there, she wasn't wearing the huge 5,000-carat diamond engagement ring that is so damn expensive she could probably buy the entire Congo with it. Instead, St. Angie wore a demure gold wedding band, which made some hos start screaming about how she must've gotten secret married to Brad Pitt. But no, she didn't. St. Angie left her Fortress of Solitude-sized ring at home, because wearing a diamond ring that big in the Congo is wrong for many reasons and because wearing a wedding band will get her a tabloid cover or two.

While serving up some "2008 Michael Jackson meets business woman Morticia Addams" realness, Angie strolled through LAX yesterday and a mere mortal from TMZ dared asked the human halo of infinite light if she got married. She spat out a "no." Then when he turned off the camera, she turned around, wrapped her zombie witch hands around his neck and swallowed his soul until all that was left of him was a pile of bone dust. That settles that!

Raging Stallion presents its President's Day collection -- Paul ReRear's Midnight Ride; Yankee Do-Hole and the Skin Flute Player; George Washington Crossing Del's Underwear; and Abra-Him Lincoln, and his 9" Log -- just don't call it a "Box Set", we're allergic to boxes. - Strepsi

and

"Oh, you want an American 'flag'. Nevermind." - Betsy Ross misunderstood on her first attempt. - Homeless J

Runners-up:

One look at the wallpaper selection and it was clear why Marcus Bachmann's gay conversion therapy clinic was a bust. - H321

U.S. of Heyyyyyyyyyyy - Trixster

Vivid paves the way for 4th of July fetish porn with the release of "Foreplay, Foreskins, and Forefathers". - perky

via Picture Is Unrelated