Thousands Of One Direction Fans Are On Suicide Watch And It's All That Slut Tramp Taylor Swift's Fault!
It was just a few New Year's Eves ago when Taylor Swift was kissing her stuffed animal collection after a tea party rager in her life-size replica of Barbie's Victorian dream house and now here she is kissing an actual boy in the middle of Times Square. Nellie Oleson's long-lost slutty older sister dressed up like Bobby Trendy at a leather party to perform on Dick Clark's Rockin' Eve and afterwards she took her latest victim Harry Styles to the middle of Times Square and sucked on his face. All those times Taylor practiced kissing stuff with her own hand finally paid off!
But as Taylor sucked on Harry so hard that his bulging eyeballs nearly shot into the middle of his head, thousands of One Direction fans used the plastic spatula from their gender-neutral Easy Bake Ovens to try to cut their hurt feelings out of their bodies. The video of that man-trap whore in Holly Hobbie's body kissing on Harry Styles cut open the hearts of a thousand 1D shippers and they poured their blood all over Twitter and Tumblr. I spent a good chunk of last night reading all of the crazed Tumblr posts about this shit. I don't know what's more pathetic. Crazy girls threatening to cut themselves over Taylor kissing their curly-haired British prince or me, a grown adult (I haven't had a skid mark in my chonies for at least 24 hours, so that means I am TOTALLY a grown adult, thankyouverymuch), reading their insane rants while slurping on coconut ice cream soup. The latter is definitely more pathetic. I don't even know why I asked. Here's just some of the insanity those crazies spewed out on Tumblr:
I heard you’ve shared a kiss with Harry Styles and dating him as well. Well, congratulations. You just achieved what could probably be the most incredible thing every Harry girl dreamt of her whole life. You stole his heart and he stole yours, don’t waste it. Imagine how many Harry girls would want to be in your position right now. He’d rather spend time with you than tweet us. Please don’t break his heart and have inspiration to write another song. I’ve always looked up to you growing up, but after finding out what most of your songs were about, it broke me and now Harry is your new boyfriend, please don’t treat him in a song of trash like the rest. Not only will it hurt me, it will hurt Harry girls because I am one. On the day you plan to break up, put in mind how many directioners will be broken just seeing one of the people they look up to is hurt. If you both decide to be forever, I’ll respect it. If you both get married, I’ll be there to spread a smile. If you get pregnant and have his child, I’ll learn to love him/her if that’s what Harry and you want. I’m speaking for all those directioners who’ve learned to love and respect the most bittersweet of things like this. My final words: love is fragile. Be careful not to break his heart because it will break me too.
Just watched the kiss video and omg I’m sobbing right now they kissed forever and then hugged forever and kept going back to hugging and he was rubbing her back and I’m pretty sure he said “it’s alright” because I think a fan shouted something mean and oh my god tears no I hate haylor no make it stop he actually likes her HE ACTUALLY LIKES HER
I just saw the video of the Haylor kiss on New Years and I actually broke down into tears.
taylor swift was wearing harry’s jacket bye im gonna go jump off a cliff
but but…can you imagine Louis waking up from his party last night and seeing that haylor kissing picture and he slowly slides down the wall and when he gets to the floor he curls up because not only is he losing his best friend he’s lost his love…and im lighting myself on fire
If you replaced "Taylor" with "Kelly Taylor," "Harry" with "Dylan" and "Haylor" with "Dylly," that's pretty much what the rants I scribbled on lined paper looked like after that slut Kelly stole Dylan from Brenda.
But seriously, I really feel for those broken-hearted One Directioners, but I feel even more for the security guards and New York City policemen who had to stand in a sea of iPhones taking pictures of Taylor kissing her next #1 single. They did not graduate from the police academy for this shit.
Latina buttocks activist Sofia Vergara's boyfriend Nick Loeb was ixnayed from a Miami club early New Year's Day after they got into some sort of physical altercation. There's always one insane ass couple at the party bringing their bullshit to the club instead of to the therapist's couch.
Page Six reports that Al Bundy's wife from Modern Family was with her cokey sex addict at Miami club Story when he raged out because she was taking a photo with someone he didn't know. "Pushing and shoving" ensued.
One witness told us, “Nick appeared to get really angry after Sofia took a picture with a stranger, and started screaming at her. Nick had to be pulled off Sofia by security. Her dress got torn in the melee. This happened right in front of everyone in the VIP section.
Apparently Ike didn't like Tina up on someone else's Instagram feed. Four security guards gave his bitch ass the bum's rush out the back, and Sofia followed. Don't eat the cake, Sofia. By the by, this dude once considered running for a Senate seat in Florida. He's supposedly crazy rich, but no one's sure what he does except he started a food-topping company called Onion Crunch. Suspect. Don't end up being found dead in a vat of whatever the fuck Onion Crunch is, Sofia. The badonka donks of the world need their spokesass.
Well, that's it for me! Huge thanks to that raunchy slut Michael K. for letting me hang out here again. I send kisses to the beautiful and talented Sweetas. Oh, and shameless plug - I post for Manhunt Daily on the regular. Come by and say hi! Warning - it's a gay blog and there's lots of dicks. But I'm guessing that's not a problem for some of you. Happy New Year!
And that stoned lesbian woodland creature wasn't even in it. This is a shame. TMZ reports that a paparazzi photographer was struck by a car and killed yesterday while trying to get a shot of Justin Bieber's white Ferrari after it was pulled over by the LAPD.
Bieber's car was being driven by a friend of his and cops had pulled it over on Sepulveda Blvd. The so-far unnamed pap had been following the dickmobile in his own car, pulled up near them, and got out to get a shot. The officers involved had told him to move it along for safety reasons right before he was killed.
The owner of the car that struck the guy wasn't on drugs or alcohol at the time.
I can't think of a more depressing death. Google Images gives ya plenty of shots of that car, and him in it. Just use one of those. Same situation, different hat maybe. THE MINISCULE DOUCHE WASN'T EVEN IN THE CAR.
While I pulled some Freaky Friday shit and took over Kathy Griffin's body to try to give a faux beej to The Silver Fox, this photoboming dude in the middle of Kanye West and Kim Kartrashian acted on behalf of humanity by throwing a "Are you there God? It's me, the face of humanity. For why did you allow this to happen?!" look of desperation at 1OAK's New Year's Eve party in Las Vegas on Monday night. Meanwhile, Kim is cackling up at the heavens, because she knows that in a few months she's going to butt birth out the chosen spawn of Lucifer and there's nothing God can do about it. I hope God gets the last laugh when Kim gives birth to a drooling cave baby that looks just like Kris Humphries.
While looking like thirty pounds of rotten smoked gouda wrapped in one of Cher's old costumes, Kim continued her reign as Pimp Mama Kris' most prized pig by hosting 1OAK's New Year's Eve party for a check. Kanye also showed up to the party, because he wanted to flash his smuggest smug face since his gay sperm fish has been where literally a billion different kinds of sperm fishes have been before (read: her baby making areas) and has done what none of them were able to do (read: knocked her up). Kim told UsWeekly at 1OAK's party that so far she hasn't had a case of the barfs at all:
"I have felt good. I haven't had any morning sickness, but it still isn't the easiest. People always say it's easy and fun. It's definitely an adjustment learning about your body and stuff like that. I've been feeling really good so that's good."
Kim might not be heaving up gallons of barf, but I'm pretty sure all of humanity is. Yes, this is how it ends. Civilization will drown in its own ocean of barf after reading every single detail about the Kimye baby. Or after seeing this picture of PMK in her freakum dress.
And if you want to infuse your barfs with a sprinkling of HAHAHAs, just read all about how Kim isn't planning on whoring out her baby. Kim Kardashian not planning to whore out her first born is...well...like Kim Kardashian not planning to whore out her first born.
The Llama that goes to the Dentist!
Whoever is responsible for this Sesame St segment must have been tripping their balls off! Why the fuck does this girl have a llama in NYC? Why does she bring him to the dentist? Was his appointment before or after Sarah Jessica Parker's? It'd be easier to decipher the meaning of life than try to figure out what the hell is going on here, but when I was a kid this made me want to move to NYC. If bitches were insane enough to bring farm animals to the dentist, I knew it was the place to be. Given that I saw some bitch walking a rabbit the other day, I was right!
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It's a Happy New Year for Hugh Hefner. No, the medical community didn't introduce a colostomy bag that doubles as a Viagra injector. Crystal Harris' trick ass stayed around for their wedding last night! Hef, 86, and his engagement ring-collectin' ladyslave, 26, tied the knot in a small ceremony at the Playboy Mansion right before Playboy's annual NYE party. It doubled as their wedding reception, according to TMZ.
Can you blame Hef for going for the twofer on parties? The last time he put a ring on this fickle ho's finger, she took it, jumped the wall and told everyone how truly disgusting it was having sex with a flaccid mummy on a Hoverround. And then she pawned that ring! Cold-blooded.
He must really
need a titslicious bedpan attendant to work the midnight to 6 shift be in love to take her back and buy her another bauble. Either that or he has her family imprisoned in the secret dungeon under that grotto. Whatever works, Hef.
These pics are from Crystal's Twitter and Instagram. Check out the one from the ceremony. Hef has an equally ancient friend standing up for him. It's very Brothers Grimm, with the wizened warlocks and terrified-beyond-reason village slut being forced into marriage.
My New Year's Eve was pretty dreary. I'm under the weather, so my beloved and I spent the evening on the couch, listlessly staring at the television and eating Christmas candy. That was until we happened upon Kathy Griffin trying to get a rise (literally) out of the Silver Fox by crouching down to blow him. A lot. If those two hadn't been amusing the world last night, I would have gone to bed early.
I can only imagine that Kathy's CNN NYE contract must look like this:
"The undersigned will do anything and everything within her power to disrupt the broadcast enough that co-host Anderson Cooper will be unable to stop giggling uncontrollably while having to protect his genitals from Kathy's ravenous mouth."
It was a non-stop party for those two last night. Kathy mentioned Kim K.'s vagina, shit on Honey Boo-Boo, shit on Taylor Swift, shit repeatedly on Ryan Seacrest, tried to make it rain on the crowd with a wad of cash causing Anderson to have to physically restrain her, and accused Anderson of having pet names for his cock and balls (including "his Christmas presents" and "his taffy"). And the coup de grace was, after watching a broadcast from Maine in which the townsfolk kiss a giant fish after it gets dropped at midnight, Kathy deciding she wanted to kiss Anderson's personal giant fish. Bitch kept stooping to conquer his crotch with her maw! Anderson would then have to crouch down to prevent her. Then he had to use a clipboard to stop her progress. She was undeterred, however. Up and down, up and down, they went. Anderson was less terrified when that mob was punching him in the head in Egypt.
And all I could picture was Michael K. hurling his bottle of bottom shelf vodka at the bar television and screaming about how he was going to kill that "dicknosed firecrotch bitch" and demanding his family take him to the airport so he could fly to NYC and defend Mah Boo's groin. A groin meant only for him! Or at least that's what he told the police psychiatrist after the last arrest.
Check out the video of Kathy Griffin's relentless blowjob efforts below.
Just ignore the title of the video. This isn't a FUNNY DRUNK ASIAN FAIL, this is a FUNNY DRUNK ASIAN WIN. (The real drunk half-Asian fail was me passing out at 12:02am in a saliva puddle on the sofa pillow while watching House Hunters after getting drunk on just one and a half glasses of champagne. Frying my gutter water-soaked brain under the sun all day turned me into a lightweight. At least that's what I'm telling myself.)
This video is two years old (approximately, 196 in Internet years), but it's making the rounds now and it's the perfect way to start the New Year right (read: drunk). At a Green Day show in Irvine two years ago, a pre-rehabbed Billy Joe Armstrong pulled an Asian sensation on stage and the dude dropped a fuck bomb and did the Horatio Cane before stage doing a lukewarm stage dive.
Psy wishes he could party like this. Gangnam Style, what?
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