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Peaches Geldof and her husband Sherri from The Simpsons Tom Cohen are somebody's parents again. Peaches had a scheduled C-section on April 24th, her late mother's birthday, and I'm assuming that the doctor reached into her body and pulled out a tiny black lady with a donkey booty and a side-eye like no other.

A source tells The Sun that Peaches birthed out her second son and she and 1979 era Shelley Duvall her husband decided to name him:

PHAEDRA!!!!!!!!

The source says that they chose the name "Phaedra," because it's the name of an album by her favorite band Tangerine Dream. Peaches and Tom's other kid is named Astala, so when Phaedra and Astala get older, they can start a new age electronic band together and only sing songs about the constellation and Greek myths. Phaedra and Astala will headline Coachella 2033. Trust this.

The source also said that Peaches and Tom were "over the moon" and I'm going to ignore that violation against humanity, because they named their son PHAEDRA! Peaches can be all hipstery and pretend like she named her kid after an album by her favorite band, but I know the truth. She's a down low RHoA watcher and Phaedra is her idol. That makes me like Peaches just a little bit. I can't wait for Baby Phaedra to look at Peaches and spit out his first words, "You didn't send for me, but I still came for you."

No different than my office, a bunch of dildos on a laptop..... - fleawatch

Runners-up:

Rihanna finally wised up and cloned the only attractive thing about Chris Brown. - Ecce Homo

Since Drake won't murder her pussy a depressed Amanda Bynes decided to murder her ass and thighs instead. - TFBuckFutter

A Scientology Easter basket—melts in your mouth, creams in your hand. - tbeez

(Thanks, Ben)

Princess Frostine, the ho'd up version of Queen Frostine from Candy Land.

My favorite Candy Land character Queen Frostine used to look like this:

Over the years, Hasbro has changed Queen Frostine's look half a dozen times (including that one dreadful time they gave her dishwater blond hair and a fugly bridesmaid-in-an-icecapades-themed-wedding pink dress) and now she looks like a deflated Bratz doll. They changed her name to Princess Frostine, made her wear a double corset for three months, lipoed her arms, got her leg lengthening surgery, shoved an implant into her chin, shaved her brows off, painted new ones on with a Sharpie, injected collagen into her lips and threw one of RuPaul's old wigs onto her head. Then they made her stare at the ceiling for 10 days straight so her eyes would stay like that and she'd have permanent Audrina Patridge eyes. Now she looks like she fell right off of a Victoria's Secret fashion show runway.

The new Queen, I mean Princess Frostine looks like she's selling a different kind of candy. Get it, whore!

via The Atlantic

Carol Burnett (80)
Ms. Dynamite (32)
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Channing Tatum (33)
Tyler Labine (35)
Tom Welling (36)
Shondrella Avery (39)
T-Boz (43)
Melania Trump (43)
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Jet Li (50)
Michael Damian (51)
Debra Wilson (51)
Joan Chen (52)
Giancarlo Esposito (55)
Giorgio Moroder (73)
Duane Eddy (75)

When I first read the headline "Amanda Bynes Shaves Her Hair," I expected to see some second coming of Brit Brit shit and I was about to hide all the green umbrellas, but Wheelchair Jimmy's number one stalker only shaved half of her head. It's begins... Amanda tweeted out this note to the media with the pictures of her new hair and her aluminum foil cheek:

I buzzed half my head like @cassie! No more old photos! This is the new me! I love it!

Yeah, it's a good thing that she shaved some of that busted weave off, but the Skillrex look must be stopped. Dr. Kimberly Shaw did it better than everyone. And what's really terrifying is that now that Amanda's got shaved sides, she looks like a Miley Cyrus clone. They're multiplying. We don't need two!

Right after her second baby came out of her body, Jessica Alba wanted her stomach to be as flat as her acting skills again, so she wrapped two girdles around her body and suffocated her stomach night and day for three months straight. MiserAlba was extra MiserAlba. Yes, her internal organs are shaped like crepes now and she had to scrape the girdle butter off her torso every night, but at least she's got a flat stomach again! MiserAlba told Net-a-Porter:

“It was brutal; it’s not for everyone. I wore a double corset day and night for three months. It was sweaty, but worth it.”

A double corset night and day? Does that mean ho even wore that rib crusher when she was doing fuck times with her man? Trying to get off while your organs are getting crushed and you're trying to breathe does not sound like a good time. Just thinking about that crap makes me want to rub my gut while eating a Popeye's drumstick dipped in mashed potatoes and gravy. Bitch is crazy. But really, we all know that the only thing she had wrapped around her stomach were bandages after getting a tummy tuck lipo special.

Here's Jessica in the Caribbean a few weeks ago.

After downloading and cropping that pic, I got second hand coke high, so I took a warm shower, drank two cups of Benzos tea, came back and I'm still grinding my teeth and suffering from the coke sweats. That is your face on coke. That explains why Jennifer Aniston isn't making Justin Theroux sign his name on a money-saving clause (aka a prenup).

Some source tells OK! Magazine (via Hollywood Life) that Justin offered to sign a prenup since she's worth over $100 million and all of his fortune is in his collection of black skinny jeans. Justin's reverse gold digger psychology worked, because Jennifer turned his offer down. The source says:

“Jen’s absolutely adamant about not having a prenup. She told several friends: ‘I’m choosing love, not money. And people are just going to have to deal with it.’ It’s a sweet and romantic thing to do. But a number of friends are desperately worried her decision could come back to haunt her one day.

Everything is going so well between Jen and Justin right now, she doesn’t want to taint the romance.

Why are her friends worried? Aniston has finally found a dude who loves to exfoliate his face with coke as much as she does (see picture above), tucks her Beanie Babies into bed each night for and they can share skinny jeans. That saves them money. They're going to be together forever (which in Hollywood time is 3 years at most). Let's say Justin does get half of her money when they eventually break up, she still has at least $50 million! That'll still buy her a lot of coke to exfoliate her face with.

And now I need to take another warm shower and drink two more cups of Benzos tea.

Davey Wavey previously asked lesbians for their thoughts on peen and he asked gays their thoughts on coochie, and now he's asking disciples of Metamucil at The L.A. Gay & Lesbian Center what they think of gay sex. First of all, I need to see some IDs, because some of these seniors look young enough to be Lindsay Lohan's kid. Second of all, the priceless jewel in the pink knit vest won this round when she said "cum cum cum" and she won it again when she said, "I know when I was young I was chasing all the little dykes around."

via Buzzfeed

jeal·ous·y - an emotion I feel toward that plastic baby doll - Lainey Gossip

My ear drums haven't yet recovered from being beaten up by Russell Crowe's singing voice and now Hollywood is going to make sure that my ear drums stay bruised, because they want Channing Tatum to sing in the Guys & Dolls remake - The Berry 

Marvel is so wrong for putting Quicksilver in an Avengers movie after Andy Rooney's death, because he was the only one with brows glorious enough to play that role - The Superficial 

What Michelle Rodriguez is trying to say is that she likes a butch chick who knows how to operate a strap-on - Celebitchy

RuPaul gets in bed with Joan Rivers - Towleroad

This isn't a promo video for H&M. It's private home videos of Beyonce having a regular day at the beach - Drunken Stepfather

The look IS Kate Hudson looking like a mob mistress/used car dealership secretary - Hollywood Tuna 

Selena Gomez's doing the bindi thing again... - Popoholic

I didn't know Claire's sold yellow glass rings - Reality Tea 

Mischa Barton actually looks good in a "prairie time maid" sort of way - ICYDK

Ireland Baldwin is as good at dancing as Alec Baldwin is at not being a douche - IDLYITW

Well, aren't Elektra and Spider-Man arch rivals? - Just Jared

Chuck Bass is wearing the same outfit I wore to my first day of the 4th grade and it wasn't cute then and it really isn't cute now - Popsugar

Vanessa Minnillo is going to put the zzzzz in Ohio - Celebslam

My ears are the wettest in the building, because they're filled with barf - Crunk + Disorderly

The weirdest and most disturbing threesome I've seen in a while - SOW

"And the only boobs I'm interested in signing are the ones on Jesse Metcalfe!" said Tommy Girl - I'm Not Obsessed

Here's pretty pretty princess Zac Efron puckering for the paps on the set of his frat boy movie Townies in L.A. yesterday. I will forgive Zac for that Brillo Pad hair, because he wore a marijuana leaf belt buckle and that's basically inviting hos to ask him if they can toke on the joint in his pants.

In other Greek news, that crazy sorority bitch who spat out an email of pure poetry was basically cunt punted out of Delta Gamma. Whatever, now she can focus on her new cunt punt™ line of products (think of a flat-bottom boat shaped like a chocha).