My New Year's Eve was pretty dreary. I'm under the weather, so my beloved and I spent the evening on the couch, listlessly staring at the television and eating Christmas candy. That was until we happened upon Kathy Griffin trying to get a rise (literally) out of the Silver Fox by crouching down to blow him. A lot. If those two hadn't been amusing the world last night, I would have gone to bed early.
I can only imagine that Kathy's CNN NYE contract must look like this:
"The undersigned will do anything and everything within her power to disrupt the broadcast enough that co-host Anderson Cooper will be unable to stop giggling uncontrollably while having to protect his genitals from Kathy's ravenous mouth."
It was a non-stop party for those two last night. Kathy mentioned Kim K.'s vagina, shit on Honey Boo-Boo, shit on Taylor Swift, shit repeatedly on Ryan Seacrest, tried to make it rain on the crowd with a wad of cash causing Anderson to have to physically restrain her, and accused Anderson of having pet names for his cock and balls (including "his Christmas presents" and "his taffy"). And the coup de grace was, after watching a broadcast from Maine in which the townsfolk kiss a giant fish after it gets dropped at midnight, Kathy deciding she wanted to kiss Anderson's personal giant fish. Bitch kept stooping to conquer his crotch with her maw! Anderson would then have to crouch down to prevent her. Then he had to use a clipboard to stop her progress. She was undeterred, however. Up and down, up and down, they went. Anderson was less terrified when that mob was punching him in the head in Egypt.
And all I could picture was Michael K. hurling his bottle of bottom shelf vodka at the bar television and screaming about how he was going to kill that "dicknosed firecrotch bitch" and demanding his family take him to the airport so he could fly to NYC and defend Mah Boo's groin. A groin meant only for him! Or at least that's what he told the police psychiatrist after the last arrest.
Check out the video of Kathy Griffin's relentless blowjob efforts below.
Just ignore the title of the video. This isn't a FUNNY DRUNK ASIAN FAIL, this is a FUNNY DRUNK ASIAN WIN. (The real drunk half-Asian fail was me passing out at 12:02am in a saliva puddle on the sofa pillow while watching House Hunters after getting drunk on just one and a half glasses of champagne. Frying my gutter water-soaked brain under the sun all day turned me into a lightweight. At least that's what I'm telling myself.)
This video is two years old (approximately, 196 in Internet years), but it's making the rounds now and it's the perfect way to start the New Year right (read: drunk). At a Green Day show in Irvine two years ago, a pre-rehabbed Billy Joe Armstrong pulled an Asian sensation on stage and the dude dropped a fuck bomb and did the Horatio Cane before stage doing a lukewarm stage dive.
Psy wishes he could party like this. Gangnam Style, what?
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