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For those of you hoping that La Pequena triumphantly returns to us by performing at tonight's American Music Awards (on ABC at 8 o'clock or so) might have to settle for Lady CaCa's hermie peen popping out of her chonies and winking at us.

Speaking of Lady CaCa, dude's nuts are going to explode when she sees that Bobby Trendy has been diving into her dumpster. Sorry for that visual.

Above is Bobby Trendy at the AMAs tonight proving that Lady CaCa isn't the only one who can look like a tranny dominatrix and a child beauty pageant loser barfed on her simultaneously. It's as if a Z Gallerie outlet dropped on Catwoman's head.

And since nooooooooo award show can go on without the world's best seat filler, Phoebe Price is there to make sure every seat stays as warm as a fresh fart. And Kim Zolciak is not going to be happy when she sees that Chicken Cutlets is using one of her best wigs as a shrug.

Amy Wino is not content with her Richard Heene-approved titty balls and matching lips, because she's about to go under the knife again. No, Wino is not going to get those rumored ass implants just yet. Apparently, Wino wants to get her nose rotated and lifted first.

One of Wino's friends has told The Mirror that she's already booked her nose job for January. Everyone is trying to tell not to mess with her nose, but Wino isn't hearing it. The friend said, “Amy’s become totally obsessed with surgery since her boob job. She wants her nose made smaller to fit with her small face as she hates the fact her nose is so big and she doesn’t like the shape. Amy says she can barely look in the mirror at the moment as she hates it so much. She’s booked in for January but is pushing to get it done sooner. Her family are dead-set against it and her brother has gone mad at her saying it will ruin her whole look and she will become unrecognisable. They’re trying to talk her out of it but Amy’s having none of it.”

Um. Maybe if Wino washes off those caca splatters from her nose and steps away from the brown Sharpie, she'll like her schnoz a whole lot more. Because once the doctor slices into her nose, there is no going back! I mean, the inside of her nose probably looks like the bottom of Lindsay Lohan's purse. There's a meth lab in the left nostril and a cocaine plantation in the right. And her nose cartilage busted out of there a long time ago. Wino's nose is being held up by a couple of toothpicks. It's best that she just leaves that wreck in peace!

And when Mitch Wino was asked about his daughter possibly getting a nose job, he answered, "Nose? What nose? Have you gotten a look at her tits?!" Okay, Mitch Wino didn't say that, but you know he thought that.

New Moon made a little over $140 million this weekend, giving it the third-biggest opening weekend of all-time behind The Dark Knight ($158.3 million) and Spider-Man 3 ($151.1 million).

On Friday, New Moon also set the record for the biggest single day opening with $72.7 million. AND it holds ANOTHER record for most advance ticket sales.

My guess is that the massive amounts of extra-chunky panty pudding that were produced while watching this mess also broke records. Seriously IN THIS ECONOMY, Swiss Miss should've been on hand to scoop up the millions of gallons of crotch custard off theater floors. They would've been set for the next 10 years.

Unfortunately, my ass didn't get to see New Moon yet, because movie theaters still don't sell pot brownies, absinthe slushies or peyote-laced popcorn at their concession stands.

Here's the rest of the weekend box office. One of the big surprises is that people actually went to go see Sandra Bullock's busted ass Kathie Lee Gifford wig in The Blind Side.

1. The Twilight Saga: New Moon - $140.7 million
2. The Blind Side - $34.5 million
3. 2012 - $26.5 million
4. Planet 51 - $12.6 million
5. A Christmas Carol - $12.2 million
6. Precious: Based on the Novel "Push" - $11 million
7. The Men Who Stare at Goats - $2.7 million
8. Couples Retreat - $1.9 million
9. The Fourth Kind - $1.7 million
10. Law Abiding Citizen - $1.6 million

Source: Box Office Mojo

Whenever you see a sexy piece making the "snake going into the cave" gesture with his hands, that's your cue to take all them panties off, dip your nasties into a bowl of lukewarm Crisco, and line your fuck part with your condom of choice for Easy Pass access. So you know what drill I busted into when I first saw this picture of The Silver Fox. No wonder my neighbors from across the way always have their shades drawn.

Here's Mah Boo at the CNN Heroes Awards along with DoMe Howser, Baby Wipes Howard, The Rock, Eva Mendes, Carrie Underwears and Leona Lewis.

Gangsta bitch Martha Stewart sugar coats a lot of shit, but her opinion is not one of them. The other night, a reporter asked the cuntress of crafts her thought on Sarah Palin's book, etc.... Martha shanked Sarah with her words by calling her "dangerous," "boring," and "a problem." Martha also basically said that she would rather eat a TV dinner on a Styrofoam plate than even glance at Sarah's book. Martha is straight-up!

Martha's bitchy words on Palin comes on the heels of her saying that Rachael Ray is not a cook. Will somebody please ask Martha her thoughts on drunk ass Sandra Lee! My cunt gene is tingling just thinking about.

And in case you missed this last night, here's SNL's trailer for Palin 2012. Palin/Beck 2012!

Carmen de Mairena, legendary Spanish beauty who really is a tranny of all trades.

Carmen was born Miguel de Mairena, and became a popular singer in Barcelona in the 50s. Around the same time, Miguel started doing gay stuff with singer Pedrito Rico. ESCANDALOSO! The two were jailed several times, because butt sex was illegal back then. And even though he kept being thrown in a prison cell, Miguel wasn't going to let the government get in the way of him getting dick! That is true activism right there.

By the 70s, Miguel started the transformation from Spanish boy to the ravishing flower of Spain now known as Carmen. Miguel got some titty sacks installed and began to perform as Carmen on TV and stage. By the 90s, Carmen was the premiere tranny wonder of Spain. Carmen also had been under the knife so many times that she was basically the fried ham version of Jackie Stallone (that is a compliment).

In the year 2000, Carmen decided that at the age of 70, it was about time that she dip her tranny peen into the porn game. Carmen made a few fuck films to prove that you're never too old to do ho shit on camera.

See what I mean? This tranny wreck has conquered all.

And now I know you're thinking to yourself, "That's fine and everything, but I need to feed my eyeballs a picture of Carmen in all her tranny naked glory." Ask and you shall receive. Take your pants off, and click here!

(For Douglas)

Jamie Lee Curtis (51)
Scarlett Johansson (25)
Tyler Hilton (26)
Karen O (31)
Mark Ruffalo (42)
Mads Mikkelsen (44)
Mariel Hemingway (48)
Donny Deutsch (52)
Richard Kind (53)
Steve Van Zandt (59)
Billie Jean King (66)
Terry Gilliam (69)
Robert Vaughn (77)

While watching JLola's "Fresh Out of the Oven" video, you may be waiting for a 1-900 number to pop up, but unfortunately it never comes. Instead you gets a zillion shots of her "Looweebatons," her scarecrow wig, her red lips and her shadow dancing moves (Paula Abdul just filed a copyright infringement lawsuit for that one).

If the song alone made your ears close for business, then brace yourself for the video, because it taints all your senses. You know, for a song that talks about cookies and ovens, you'd think JLola could throw in a shot of a delicious pie. Even a close-up of a half-eaten Donette would be better than seeing her damn ass shoes over and over.

If you'll excuse me, I must go watch Rocky Horror Picture Show to cleanse myself of this mess.

via Just Jared

This is why Posh is a super alien from a far off planet. Any other ho who wore ankle-breaking stilts on a daily basis would have feet like a dead chicken, but not Posh! Posh is still able to glide around like her feet are wrapped in clouds from heaven. Shit, she probably falls and breaks her bones whenever she tries to walk in sneakers. Bitch has talent.

Here's Posh going to the yogurt store with her boys yesterday. Posh didn't get her own yogurt, because she gets full just from staring at it for a few quick seconds. Another talent!

Yes, Seal does have a last name, and his wife of four years Heidi Klum has officially taken it. Yesterday in Los Angeles, a commissioner (just think of Michael Chiklis) declared that Heidi Klum is officially Heidi Samuel. Yeah, Heidi Samuel doesn't make my Schnitzel tingle as much as Heidi Klum, but she's doing it for love. Love makes you do crazy things like wipe nostril diarrhea from your man's nose when he's sick and use his name on your drivers license. Go figure.

Heidi's rep would not say whether or not she plans to use her new last name professionally.

Not only does Seal have a last name, but he also has like fifty middle names. Dude's full name is Seal Henry Olusegun Olumide Adeola Samuel. If you don't have a middle name, send hate mail to Seal, because that ho hogged them all up for himself.

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