Beyonce is looking like me when I'm patiently waiting for them to call my number at In-N-Out.
Khlamidiá Kardashian West's (that's what Kim and Kanye are naming their baby, right?) auntie will sing the National Anthem at President Obama's inauguration on January 21st in DC. No, the "National Anthem" I'm talking about is not "Single Ladies." I'm talking about the other National Anthem. The one perfected by Roseanne. Yeah, that one.
Beyonce yodeled out "At Last" at the Inaugural Ball in 2009 and she must have tingled Obama's ears the right way, because he asked her back. I'm sure stalking his every move had nothing to do with him making that decision. Beyonce's lace front edges will curl when she sings the "Star-Spangled Banner" at the West Front of the U.S. Capitol. People says that the Presidential Inaugural Committee also announced that Ron Paul's former fangirl Kelly Clarkson will try to outdo Aretha Franklin and Aretha Franklin's legendary hat when she sings "My Country Tis Of Thee" (SPOILER ALERT: she won't). James Taylor will sing "America The Beautiful."
Beyonce, Kelly Clarkson and James Taylor?! What kind of Inaugural Ceremony is that? That's not the America I know. This is what the lineup for the Inaugural Ceremony should look like:
The Auto-Tuned National Anthem - Rebecca Black ft. the Backin Up Lady and Sweet Brown
My Country Tis Of Thee/Red (aka The Target Song) - Taylor Swift and the American Exes (Joe Jonas, Chord Overstreet, John Mayer, Conor Kennedy, Jake Gyllenhaal and Taylor Lautner)
'Murica The Beautimous - Honey Boo Boo Chile accompanied by Sugar Bear playing Mama June's chins like a harmonica
That's what it should look like. But whatever, Obama can have his Beyonce. I'm sure that right after Beyonce's performance, Francis Scott Key will stop sipping his tea to say to the angels around him, "I tell you that woman he had singing for him, singing my words, she gonna get her ass whooped."
The talking pimple permanently stuck on The Queen's ass lips has left Kate Middleton alone on her birfday and has decided to aim his rusty shank at Posh and David Beckham instead. The highly esteemed Loaded Magazine (via DM) walked up to Morrissey's front porch and asked him to take a minute from yelling at the clouds, the garden hoses, the children, the flies, the air and the sunshine to talk about the current state of Britain. If you're ever lacking in Vitamin Cunt, ask Morrissey about his country and he will give you a year's supply. Morrissey went off and this time his rant was directed at the Beckhams. Or the "Peckhams" (after a shady area in London) as Moz calls them.
'I'd... have the Peckhams dragged to the edge of the village and flogged because they are insufferable to anyone of intelligence, and they actively chase the paparazzi. We don’t seem to realise that David and Victoria Peckham will soon be back and god forbid they will be bestowed with titles Sir and Lady Peckham, this is what’s wrong with this country, we don’t seem to care. Football often seems to me to have no meaning whatsoever other than just to be there. It can’t be elevated any higher because so many footballers are paid £200,000 a week, yet couldn’t identify a harp."
Morrissey missed his calling. Since he's happiest when he's bitching, moaning and working out his cunt muscle until its sore, he should've been a gossip blogger or an internet commenter. In his next life, maybe!
Here's Morrissey on Letterman last night and I'm disappointed that he didn't end this performance by tearing up a picture of Posh & Becks while shouting, "Fight the REAL enemy!"
If you're a dude and you're not 1995 Nick Carter or a highly skilled Canadian carpenter who can easily turn a dingy basement into an $800/a month apartment, then you should proceed with caution when attempting to part your hair in the middle. Note to dudes everywhere: the middle part is a privilege and not a right.
God gave most dudes fingers and just because we have God-given fingers doesn't mean we should use that shit to part our hair in the middle. Sometimes a finger does you good (see: self-fingering) and sometimes it does you wrong (see: middle parted hair). Learn from Bradley Cooper's ass. B. Coop wore middle parted hair to the National Board of Review Awards Gala in NYC last night and it made him look like an overgrown man child who spends his lunch break licking the crotch part of ladies panties in the intimate apparel section at JcPenney. That's the kind of evil power the middle part has. Part with caution!
Here's some dudes at last night's National Board of Review Awards Gala who got the memo and did not attempt the middle part: Ben Affleck, Chris Tucker, John C. Reilly and Daniel Craig.
Everybody has nominated Anne Hathaway for Best Supporting Actress for Les Miserables from the BAFTAs (click here to see all the nominations, which were announced this morningtime) to the Barstow International Film Festival to the Sloths Choice Awards to the Starvers In Cinema Appreciation Awards. Everybody has nominated her ass. But yesterday, when the nominations for the most important accolade in modern cinema, the Razzies, were announced, Anne Hathaway's name was nowhere to be seen. "Why wasn't I nominated for a RAZZIE?! Why am I not BAD enough?!" echoed through the streets of Manhattan yesterday as Anne Hathaway did the slow wall slide of sadness before dropping to her knees and crying out a puddle of rejection. (Fun fact: Anne received Best Meltdown In A Snub for that meltdown and she will accept her award at a ceremony next week. Anne will wear a dress designed by Marchesa.)
Poor Anne Hathaway. Why couldn't she have sucked in Les Miserables for at least 10 seconds? If at least 1/10000000th of her performance was shit, she would've qualified for a Razzie, but Anne just can't help it. Anne must have all the nominations and she didn't get a Razzie nomination. She has failed. Why does she have to give an OMGTHENEXTLAURENCEOLIVIERHASBEENFOUND performance all the time? Anne is looking for a return receipt, because it's so hard being God's gift to acting.
Anne has cleared her schedule for the rest of the year so that she can take classes at the Royal Academy of Dramatic Suck and learn from the masters, Professor January Jones and Professor Megan Fox, on how to be a shitty actress. Anne will get that Razzie nomination one day! You'll see!
Here's Anne putting on a brave face at last night's National Board of Review Awards in NYC, where the Best Supporting Actress award went to Ann Dowd for her performance in the creepiest and most frustrating episode of Crank Yankers ever. "Brave Face" is also the name of the shade of foundation that Anne Hathaway wants to sell you, which would explain why she's dressed like the assistant manager of a MAC counter at Nordstrom.
Here's a few more pictures from last night. In order: the greatest thespian of our time and beyond, a come-to-life Simpsons character, Angela Bassett, Quvenzhané Wallis, Ann Dowd, Eddie Redmayne, Emily Blunt with John Krasinski, Jessica Chastain and Emmanuelle Riva.
I've always heard they have to wash off Parisite Hilton the morning after but I never knew it was now a professional sport. - TexnDoc
Apparently Adam didn't get the memo that the circle jerk was moved to next week Tuesday... - Boys for Pele
Brides normally throw bouquets at weddings. Kris Humphries had to throw his balls out. - cs182
They aren't laughing at his dick, they're laughing at the tweezers and magnifying glass. - citizenstrange
Here's 7 reasons why Evelyn A. Mirabal, the Chief of Department of the New York City Department of Correction, gets the HSOTD badge of honor:
1. She is a 33-year veteran of the correction department and was the first Latino to be appointed as the Chief of Department of the New York City Department of Correction.
2. She is a Chief of TWO Departments, because the word "Department" shows up twice in her official title.
3. The lip liner. It's exquisite. It's art.
4. The eyeliner. It's serious. It lets a bitch know she means business.
5. The glare in her eye that tells you she will cut you with your own prison shank if you come at her wrong.
6. She looks like my high school best friend's mother who once said to me after I came over, "You look like you need bacon. I'll make you some bacon." A saint.
7. The lip liner. I just had to make sure you got that.
Duchess Kate (31)
Nina Dobrev (24)
Paolo Nutini (26)
A.J. McLean (35)
Chad Ochocinco (35)
Maggie Rizer (35)
Angela Bettis (40)
Lara Fabian (43)
Joey Lauren Adams (45)
Dave Matthews (46)
Joely Richardson (48)
Imelda Staunton (57)
J.K. Simmons (58)
Crystal Gayle (62)
Jimmy Page (69)
Joan Baez (72)
Brian Friel (84)
Judith Krantz (85)
At The New York City Film Circle Awards, Steven Soderbergh told Vanity Fair (via HuffPo) about the Magic Mike extra who obviously didn't get the memo that finger fucking anybody in the culito without permission is not appropriate ever ("Says who?" - John Travolta). Steven says that while filming a scene (I'm guessing this scene), one extra got a little McConaughey butt syrup on her nail when she tried to give him an impromptu prostate exam.
"While we were shooting Matthew's script sequence, one very impassioned woman extra pulled his G-string off and tried to stick her finger up his butt. And when I remembered that, I thought, You know, where I come from, you stand up for a guy who brings that kind of game to your movie."
Where in the hell does Steven Soderbergh come from? Finger Fuck Town? Can I get the exact GPS coordinates, please. It's for research!
When Vanity Fair asked the Texas T-Rex about getting anally molested, he sort of laughed it off and said that he didn't think she was trying to poke through his skin blossom:
"I don't think she was trying to stick her finger up my butt. She was trying to put it somewhere, though, and you got it on film. It worked out."
If you read me that quote and didn't tell me it came from the Texas T-Rex's mouth and told me that Grant Bowler said it about Lindsay Lohan during the filming of Liz & Dick, I'd totally believe you.
This is your up-to-the-second update (that you didn't want or ask for) of Kim Kardashian's ever-growing knocked up body. Although, some konspiracy theorists think Kim is Beyonce-ing it and will cover her body with the best baby pillows that Kanye West's money can buy while a surrogate (SPOILER ALERT: Bruce Jenner, the surrogate is Bruce Jenner) carries the Illuminati's golden child. Whatever the case may be, the smog above France has been infested with the stank scent of fishy dick queefs and bronzer and it's all because Kim and Kanye are in Paris right now for some reason.
Don't ask me why they're there, but Kanye is of course using their daily walks down the ho stroll to display some fugged up shit on Kim's body. I don't even know how to explain that thing. Is it a cape barfing up a jacket? Is it a re-worked Snuggie? Is it a Land's End fleece jacket? Is it a fupa-hiding poncho? The only thing I do know is that it's a wreck and Kanye would've looked better in it. Kanye would've worked that cape thing and put the gay in gay Paree by giving everyone a twirlie show.
It was very nice of Knott's Berry Farm to lend Ryan Gosling one of their employee uniforms for the Gangster Squad premiere - The Frisky
Forget the gold medal, Ryan Lochte has finally achieved the true medal of honor: his own E! reality show - Lainey Gossip
Christina Hendricks' magnificent chichis are selling something - Hollywood Tuna
Yes, we're still talking about Fantasia's thoughts on gay marriage - Towleroad
WHAT ARE YOU DOING, ADRIEN BRODY?!!!!! - Drunken Stepfather
Katherine Webb is America's new Pippa Middleton - The Superficial
My lungs hurt and my ribs are sore from watching Mimi suck in for her life - The Berry
Italian rugby ass alert - (NSFW) OMG Blog
Emma Stone's dress looks like wrapping paper leftover from Christmas - Popoholic
Every single night, Walton Goggins softly sings Klymaxx's "I Miss You" and dedicates it to lady pubes - Celebitchy
All of Justin Bieber's jank ass tattoos tell me that he really wants to be in prison, so somebody should make his wish come true - IDLYITW
BREAKING: Blake Lively can talk, walk, hold hands and hold a cell phone at the same time - Popsugar
Nick Nolte couldn't be bothered to give one fuck - SOW
Prepare to be shocked out of your tits: Charlie Sheen's latest goddess is a porn star - Celebslam
Steven Seagal keeps it sexy AND safe in a bulletproof kimono - Videogum
Dear man in the quilted jacket, I don't know what this shit on Bradley Cooper's head is either - I'm Not Obsessed
I really hope Imogen Poots is Zac Efron's next beard because FroPoo would be a really good couple name - Cityrag