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Taylor Swift's 2013 started off with Harry Styles dropping her on a boat headed to ByeBitchville, but she's not going to let that stop her from finding love another famous dude to keep her ass in the tabloids for a while. Taylor asked her publicist to start scouting locations for future photo-ops and she covered the walls of the stalker room in her attic with pictures of Bradley Cooper, because she wanted him to be her next trick. Yes, that means it's okay for moms everywhere to unchain their barely legal sons from the water heater in the garage, because Taylor is in the mood for older pieces now.

A source tells Radar that Taylor of Sluttybrook Farms asked Jennifer Lawrence to set her up with B. Coop. B. Coop has already said that if he was starting to grow pubes before you were born, he's not trying to date you. So when Jennifer Lawrence told B. Coop that Taylor wanted to date him, he shut The Squint down.

“Bradley has absolutely no intention of getting together with Taylor. First of all, her reputation precedes her. Bradley is very wary of dating someone who is a bit of a serial dater like Taylor. He thinks she’s far too young for him and wants to date someone his own age, not 16-years younger because he’s ready for something serious. It was a little awkward for Bradley . Jennifer came to him and told him that Taylor was interested in getting together. He had to politely decline, knowing full well that Jennifer and Taylor are friends. It was an ambitious move from Taylor, but she’s going to have fixate on someone else as Bradley’s just not that into her."

I know, this story is TOO true. I'm shocked it didn't come from CNN. But really, when Bradley Cooper banishes you from his presence it's time to re-train with your beard sensei Renee Zellweger or think long and hard about your future as a lifelong beard. Because damn, how the beard has fallen. Next thing you know, Taylor will be dating Richard Simmons (I hope this happens).

Seeing RiRi like this makes me miss the natural talents of Adina Howard. And we can (boom-boom) all through the night to the early morn! - Hollywood Tuna 

January 11th should become an international holiday, because a David Bowie sighting is about as rare and magical as seeing a unicorn twirl under a triple rainbow - Lainey Gossip

And on the next very special and serious episode of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, we learn that Uncle Poodle has HIV and is suing the boyfriend who allegedly gave it to him - Towleroad

Jessica "I Don't Date Actors" Chastain is dating an actor - Celebitchy

Katherine Webb thinks she's the anti-Kardashian - The Superficial  

Panty pudding inducers galore and I'm sure you've got an extra serving of panty pudding for #25 - The Berry 

"Puppy pussy" is not a phrase I expected to see today - Drunken Stepfather

Woe is still Mindy McCready's life - ICYDK

That's one way to make sure your crotch is smelling fresh and clean - Popoholic

Jessica Simpson will star in an NBC comedy based on her life. I really hope Ellen Degeneres plays Papa Joe - Popsugar

The Silver Fox is not a gold star gay - SOW

One word explanation for this fuckery: JAPAN - OMG Blog

Jennifer Lawrence thinks she's too trashy for the Actors Studio - I'm Not Obsessed

Vanessa Bryant's eyebrows look like they're trying to escape her face by heading north - Crunk + Disorderly 

The Goonies did it better - Videogum

Minka Kelly and Chris Evans are still a thing - Just Jared

Did we all time travel back to 1999 and not know it, because for why are there so many pictures of Carmen Electra lately? - Hollywood Rag 

This is the part of your day where your nips squirt out a little syrup from thinking about Ryan Gosling singing "I Want It That Way" - IDLYITW

The black Belkin mousepad next to me looks more like natural hair than the crap on John Travolta's head - Celebslam

Seen below looking like a cracked out troll making sweet love to the air, Charlie Sheen was on Letterman last night to promote the next 90 episodes of Anger Management (not joking) and while he was there he let the world know that he's going to be grandpapa soon. Apparently, Charlie has a 28-year-old daughter named Cassandra Estevez and she's knocked up with his first grandchild. I don't know whether to feel pity or jealousy toward the newborn baby who will get second hand high from inhaling Charlie's crack smoke breath.

Charlie told David Letterman (via UsWeekly) that he knows the world is going to be an even weirder place when he becomes a grandaddy:

"Me as a grandfather, Dave...I don't know. It's like the world's going to crack in half. It's fabulous. It's just not a title I'm ready to adopt."

All jokes aside, Charlie Sheen is going to be the greatest pepaw ever. On your 16th birthday, your grandpa probably gave you a recycled birthday card with two one dollar bills in it. On Charlie's grandkid's 16th birthday, he's going to give them a cashiers check for $100,000 and a gift card to the Bunny Ranch if he's a boy and a gift card for silicone titty sacks if she's a girl. When you spent the day with your grandparents, you probably spent it watching old Matlock episodes on Beta tape while eating a cold Hungry Man meal (or if you were me, you spent it watching telenovelas while trying to eat a leftover enchilada that fused with its Styrofoam container, because my abuelita left it in the microwave too long). When Charlie's grandkid spends the day with him, they will spend it playing chicken with porn stars in a pool full of vodka.

And I bet Charlie won't even be mad with his grandkid when they want to play with his dentures. Best grandpa ever!

Adrien Brody IS fashion, so of course he's in Milan to sit front row at all of the most EXCLUSIVE men's shows (example: Diesel). I am forever devoted to the Afghan Hound Lothario, so I refuse to talk about how he looks like a constipated weasel in some of these pictures. I also refuse to talk about how he should've left that landing strip on the V for Vendetta mask he stole it from. I'm not going to do it. I refuse. Adrien Brody can do no wrong (except for that landing strip on his chin).

Megan Fox is definitely smoking the wrong stuff and she definitely smoked the wrong stuff with the dude who interviewed her for Esquire, because the entire article is crazy wrapped in a paperback copy of Dianetics wrapped in the DVD jacket for Jesus Camp.

The reincarnation of Plato (again, not Dana, the other one) opened her mouth and spat up about how she can't stop herself from talking in tongues and how she wishes she could spend all her time looking for ancient alien artifacts. Stephen Marche of Esquire starts the interview by comparing Megan Fox to an Aztec sacrifice and then describes her face as a "visual labyrinth" and "a force of nature, the patterns of waves crisscrossing a lake, snow avalanching down the side of a mountain, an elaborately camouflaged butterfly." Can Megan and Stephen please tell the public what kind of herbs they were smoking, because I don't ever want those herbs in my bong. That sounds like the worst trip ever.

Before you start reading these insane pieces from Megan's interview, get yourself a spirit guide to take you through it safely. You're going to need one.

On how being famous is worse than being bullied in high school: "I don't think people understand. They all think we should shut the fuck up and stop complaining because you live in a big house or you drive a Bentley. So your life must be so great. What people don't realize is that fame, whatever your worst experience in high school, when you were being bullied by those ten kids in high school, fame is that, but on a global scale, where you're being bullied by millions of people constantly."

On how she, the internet, fame and war might be the Four Whoresmen: "I've read the Book of Revelation a million times. It does not make sense, obviously. It needs to be decoded. What is the dragon? What is the prostitute? What are these things? What is this imagery? What was John seeing? And I was just thinking, What is the Antichrist? When war breaks out in the Holy Land, like it is right now, if that is a sign of the immediate end times, then where are the other signs? Is it possible that it's the Internet or fame itself or celebrity?"

On erasing her Marilyn Monroe tattoo: "I feel like I willed it be gone. They told me it was going to take six sessions and it's nearly gone in one. She wasn't powerful at the time. She was sort of like Lindsay. She was an actress who wasn't reliable, who almost wasn't insurable.... She had all the potential in the world, and it was squandered. I'm not interested in following in those footsteps."

On how she's a Pentecostal Christian who speaks in tongues sometimes: "I have seen magical, crazy things happen. I've seen people be healed. Even now, in the church I go to, during Praise and Worship I could feel that I was maybe getting ready to speak in tongues, and I'd have to shut it off because I don't know what that church would do if I started screaming out in tongues in the back.

It feels like a lot of energy coming through the top of your head — I'm going to sound like such a lunatic — and then your whole body is filled with this electric current. And you just start speaking, but you're not thinking because you have no idea what you're saying. Words are coming out of your mouth, and you can't control it. The idea is that it's a language that only God understands. It's the language that's spoken in heaven. It's called 'getting the Holy Ghost.' "

On how she'd rather be exploring the ruins of Israel than skipping around in her panties in movies: "I feel like there's stuff literally buried there and buried where the Maya were. I would like to uncover the secrets of the universe. In my fantasy."

On how she thinks the movie Leprechaun starring Jennifer Aniston is a documentary: "I like believing. I believe in all of these Irish myths, like leprechauns. Not the pot of gold, not the Lucky Charms leprechauns. But maybe was there something in the traditional sense? I believe that this stuff came from somewhere other than people's imaginations.... We should all believe in leprechauns. I'm a believer.... You and I are humans, this is not all of it. This cannot be, because we are so disappointing.... Films don't hold the answers I'm looking for.... Would you not be so much more interested in finding out that bigfoot existed than in watching a really good movie? ... I believe in aliens.... I am childlike in my spirit, and I want to believe in fairy tales... Loch Ness monster — there's something to it.... There's the Bell Witch... What distracts me from my reality is bigfoot. They are my celebrities."

Megan Fox is a Pentecostal Christian who speaks in tongues and she believes in leprechauns, Bigfoot and ancient aliens who built civilizations? This might be the first time in history that Tommy Girl fingered his butt to something that a Pentecostal Christian woman has said. And the Alabama Leprechaun and Tim Peeler are fingering their butts right next to Tommy Girl.

And now thanks to Megan's mouth, Lindsay is going to tattoo "'Marilyn Monroe was like the Lindsay Lohan of her time.' - Megan Fox" on her forehead. Out of all the crazy things that came out of Megan's mouth, that was the craziest.

UPDATE - Megan Fox went on Facebook to clarify the shade she threw at Lindsay Lohan. Megan wrote:

In the newly released article that I did for Esquire, there is a reference that is made to Lindsay Lohan that I would like to clarify before it snowballs into something silly. The journalist and I were discussing why I was removing my Marilyn Monroe tattoo, especially since in his opinion, Marilyn was such a powerful and iconic figure for women. I attempted to draw parallels between Lindsay and Marilyn in order to illustrate my point that while Marilyn may be an icon now, sadly she was not respected and taken seriously while she was still living.

Both women were gifted actresses, whose natural talent was lost amongst the chaos and incessant media scrutiny surrounding their lifestyles and their difficulties adhering to studio schedules etc. I intended for this to be a factual comparison of two women with similar experiences in Hollywood. Unfortunately it turned into me offering up what is really much more of an uneducated opinion. It was most definitely not my intention to criticize or degrade Lindsay. I would never want her to feel bullied, as she does not deserve that. I was not always speaking eloquently during this interview and this miscommunication is my fault.

"WERE gifted actresses...." I see what you did there, Megan.

Ever since that terrifying moment in court was captured in a picture, Shawn Holley can't move her eyeballs to the left without reaching for a rosary and a vial of holy water first. Shawn Holley didn't have to reach for the holy water in court this morning, because Lindsay Lohan was too busy stalking Max George's parents in England to show up.

As some of you read yesterday, Lindsay Lohan achieved high levels of dumbassery when she hired shady NYC lawyer Mark Heller and fired Shawn Holley without knowing that she fired Shawn Holley. LiLo is begging Shawn to take her back and Shawn is thinking about it. Shawn is still on record as being LiLo's lawyer, so she showed up in court today to answer to the criminal charge LiLo was slapped with for telling lies to the cops after crashing her Porsche into a semi. Shawn pleaded "not guilty" on LiLo's behalf and if she wasn't in court today, the judge would've issued a bench warrant for LiLo's arrest for not showing up this morning.

When the judge asked Shawn if she's still LiLo's attorney, she said, "At this point, yes." A hearing has been set for January 30th and LiLo must show her shellacked veal face in court.

TMZ says that yesterday the Santa Monica City Attorney and the judge in the case agreed to not send LiLo to the clink if she checked into lockdown rehab for at least six months. LiLo could also spend time in a jail cell for violating probation, but the judge was also willing to end that case too if she went to rehab. That deal never happened, because LiLo fired Shawn minutes before she was about to make it happen.

Why does the court even bother with this shit anymore? Lindsay Lohan is not going to see the inside of a jail cell and nothing's going to happen to her. The judge always says, "THIS BITCH IS GOING TO PRISON FOR THE REST OF HER LIFE!" and then nothing happens. It kind of reminds me of how my mom used to threaten to spank me when I acted the fool as a kid. She'd say, "I'm going to spank you!" and raise her hand, but nothing happened. Her hand would just stay raised. She later told me that her hand would get really heavy and she just couldn't bring herself to spank me even though my brat ass deserved it. Sometimes I'd get tired of waiting for her hand to come down, so I'd just slap myself.

So unless LiLo breaks into jail, goes into an empty cell, locks the door and then swallows the key with her snatch, she's not going to spend anytime in jail. But since the court insists on going through all these hearings, they should at least make it interesting by getting kittens to re-enact the proceedings. Or fucking something.

The New York Post says that for the past few months, Russell Crowe and Dita Von Teese have been flirting with each other on Twitter (Side whisper to Russell Crowe: Your ass is way too seasoned to be flirting on Twitter.) and he's re-tweeted some of her sexier (for lack of a better word) tweets. After doing hours of research on Twitter (read: five seconds of research on Twitter), I couldn't find any of Dita's tweets that Russell re-tweeted, but I did find a tweet where he linked her Enigma knock-off of a music video. Watch it on mute if you need to watch it. Anyway, some source says that Russell and Dita aren't just flirting on Twitter, he's also ripped off her garter belt with his teeth a few times.

Russell broke up with his wife of 9 years last October and has been dipping into semi-famous coochie after semi-famous coochie since then. Russell supposedly did it with Billy Joel's ex-wife Katie Lee (he denied it) and now he's apparently getting it on with Marilyn Manson's ex-wife. The Post's source says that last month, Dita and Russell stayed at the Four Seasons in Manhattan together and even got a couple's massage at 6:30 am.

There's really nothing more romantic than lying to next Russell Crowe as a massage therapist sprinkles flour on him and kneads his body into a ball. But seriously, this was probably just a quick fuck for the both of them. Russell just couldn't go through life without knowing what it's like for Dita Von Teese to smear her baby powder make-up all over his man titties while motorboating him. And Dita hopped on Russell's bloated slug dick, because she's still trying to scrub the Marilyn Manson out of her twat.

Victor Garber (aka Sydney Bristow's spy daddy, skeezy Professor Callahan, Thomas Andrews from Titanic, Daddy Warbucks and Jesus, to name just a few) has never jumped on a public stage and declared his undying love for man ass, but pretty much everyone knows that he's gay. Entertainment blogger Greg Hernandez attended the panel for Deception at the TV Critics Association Press Tour in Pasadena, CA last week and he knew he wanted to have a few words with Victor Garber afterwards. So during the panel, he looked up Victor Garber's Wikipedia page for research and read that the Canadian silver fox lives in NYC with his partner of 13 years Rainer Andreesen. Greg didn't remember Victor Garber ever coming out OUT, so he decided to ask him about it after the panel.

Greg first asked Victor Garber if it's true that he's going to be on Smash, because his Wikipedia page said it. The Canadian silver fox shot back with, "Wikipedia is bullshit." Victor was then rushed off the stage so that crew could set up for the next panel, but Greg found him later in the lobby of the hotel and asked him if it's true that his tongue tingles for peen. Their conversation went like this:

So I got up, walked into the lobby of the Langham Huntington Hotel and found Garber. I just decided to ask him: “Wikipedia lists Rainer Andreesen as your partner. I wondered if that’s something that’s public, that you’ve confirmed.”

He seemed surprised by the question but said: ‘I don’t really talk about it but everybody knows.”

Garber then added: “He’s going to be out here with me for the SAG Awards.”

Victor Garber being gay isn't really news, but what is news to me is how hot his piece is. Victor Garber's man looks like he could charm a grizzly bear just by winking at it and I bet he can chop the hell out of wood (both figuratively and literally). Dude looks like he smells like chimney smoke, wet leaves, sawdust, deer musk, elk jerky and campfire baked beans. As Rita Wilson said on Girls the other night, "Sometimes you just need a pair of rough hands on your body."

If dude's face was on a roll of paper towels, I'd buy those paper towels in bulk at Costco. Dude is hot and Victor Garber gets to exfoliate his ass cheeks on that beard every single night. So congratulations to Victor Garber for that!

And I can't believe I got through this post without mentioning that "Victor Garber is Bradley Cooper's top daddy" blind item.

When Lance Armstrong stared deep into Oprah's holy light eyes, he saw the image of her half-brother Jesus telling him to finally cleanse his soul by telling the truth about doping up. Or maybe Lance Armstrong stared deep into Oprah's holy light eyes and saw the reflection of her producer waving the millions of dollars he got paid for telling the truth to The Mighty O! People mix Jesus up with a stack of cash all the time. Whatever the case may be, after years of denying that he was shooting up performance enhancing drugs even though everybody could practically see the needle sticking out of his ass, Lance Armstrong confessed to Oprah that he lied about being a dopehead.

Oprah was on CBS This Morning (aka her main boo's morning show) to say that in her two-part interview with Lance, which starts airing on OWN this Thursday, he comes clean about being dirty. The interview went down at the Four Seasons in Austin, TX, and Oprah said that it took almost 2 and a half hours to ask Lance 112 prepared questions. Oprah wouldn't tell Gayle King on air (but I'm sure she whispered it in Gayle King's ear during their nightly spooning sessions) what Lance said to her, but she said that he "did not come clean in the manner that I expected" and that she was satisfied with his answers. Well, since Oprah is "satisfied" with his answers that means Lance has been upgraded to Heaven's "waiting list" and won't go directly to Hell.

Oprah said that Lance did get emotional, but never completely broke down and sobbed into her chichis while asking her to pet his hair. Oprah said that she went at Lance so hard that at one point he asked her if she was ever going to lighten up with the questions. Right before Lance's interview with Oprah, he held a meeting at Livestrong and brought the raw emotion while apologizing to his staff for letting them down. Lance kept his apology vague and never admitted to them that he doped up. Bitch was saving that for Oprah.

Lance already gave up all his Tour de France medals and People says that he's in talks with his former team, the U.S. Postal Service, to give back some of the millions in taxpayer money he got over the years. And now that he's finally admitted the truth, former sponsors could sue his last nutsack off. Some think that Lance is telling the truth after years of lie-telling, because he's been backed into a corner and wants the public to feel sorry for his ass.

What I've learned from all of this, is that if I fill my veins up with performance-enhancing drugs, there's a chance that I will win a bunch of fancy cycling titles, make hundreds of millions of dollars and I'll only have to give back SOME of the money when they catch me lying. And I'll get to meet Gayle King! Shoot my ass up and pull my old Huffy out of my mom's garage. Let's do this!

The Laotian men's synchronized swimming team calls this move "ໄຖແບບຫວ່ຽງ" which roughly translates to "The Travolta." - Trixster

Runners-up:

There was a typo on the billboard and the organizers didn't want to get sued for false advertising, so this is what they came up with for "swimo wrestling". - OurMissC

Karate Kid: The Geritol Years - DiamondDogs

They can pray all they want, but there WILL be shrinkage. - BaconSlut

via Izismile