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Big Treasure (the groom in the crooked tie) and Little Treasure (the groom in bride drag who is killing it by wearing half of a banana clip as a tiara)!

Big Treasure and Little Treasure became internet famous this week after they posted pictures from their gay wedding on Weibo, China's answer to Twitter. Queerty says that one of them is a retired history teacher and the other one is a water delivery man and they met when the water delivery man delivered water to the retired history teacher. That's pretty much how the plot to my favorite gay porn starts. Hong Kong's Big Love alliance inspired them to declare their love for each other in front of everyone. So Big Treasure slapped on a crooked tie and Little Treasure threw some strapless bridal elegance on his body and they got married with a bunch of other gay couples even though China isn't down with same-sex marriage yet. The Treasures were hoping that one of their sons would show up to their special day, but that piece of ungrateful brat trash didn't!

“It’s disappointing that outsiders can bless us but not our own son. The heartless child is sabotaging our happiness.”

Screw that heartless child! It's his loss for depriving himself of experiencing this adorable ceremony of love. And it's his loss for depriving himself the experience of seeing Little Treasure show Kim Kardashian how a tiara headband is really worn. And where are the pictures of Big Treasure pulling Little Treasure's garter belt off with his teeth? I bet their friend in the grey polka dot shirt is the one who caught it.

Gerard Piqué (26) and Shakira (36)
Rich Sommer (35)
Marissa Jaret Winokur (40)
Dana International (41)
Jennifer Westfeldt (43)
Michael T. Weiss (51)
Kim Zimmer (58)
Christie Brinkley (59)
Duane 'Dog' Chapman (60)
Brent Spiner (64)
Ina Garten (65)
Barry Diller (71)
Elaine Stritch (88)
Liz Smith (90)

It feels like Dr. Phil's interview with Ronaiah Tuiasosopo, the mastermind behind the Lennay Kekua hoax, has been going on for weeeeeeeks. Every site I go to, I see Dr. Phil's hard boiled egg with a pubestache face looking at me and this mess is everywhere. During the interview, Ronaiah said that he was in love with Manti Te'o' and that he used to be gay, but he's a recovering homosexual now. Is "recovering homosexual" short for "recovering from butt sex homosexual," because who hasn't been there? I guess if Man Titty O is "faaaaaaar" from gay, then I guess Ronaiah is like two freeway exists away from gay. He was just at gay, but now he's driving away from it. Ronaiah also said some other things to Phake Ass Phil, but who cares about that. The only thing I care about is hearing Ronaiah's lady voice and Dr. Phil was right there with me.

Dr. Phil kept asking Ronaiah to do his Lennay voice, but he got all kinds of shy and wouldn't do it. He finally agreed to do it behind a screen with a producer watching to make sure the lady sounds were coming out of his mouth. So Ronaiah called a phone and did his best Lennay voice:

He kind of sounds like Michael Jackson with Laryngitis speaking through a pillow. I bet Dr. Phil wasn't convinced. I bet after the show ended, Dr. Phil called Ronaiah up again and said, "Let me hear you do your Lennay voice one more time. Let me hear you say, 'Oh, Dr. Phil, let me lick the skin dome covering that brilliant mind of yours.' Yeah, say it like that. Say it again, slower. Wait, what sound? No, I didn't just pull my zipper down."

Penelope Cruz and the Spanish Jeffrey Dean Morgan made another baby and will they please name their kid Concepcion. Will somebody please name their baby Concepcion, so I can't stop going on and on about it! - Just Jared

Charlize Theron gets one step closer to looking completely like a twink boy bander circa 2002 - Lainey Gossip

Lindsay Lohan should try Larry H. Parker - The Superficial 

An illegal act = cutting a topless Ryan Gosling scene from a movie - Towleroad

Emily Ratajkowski, who ever that is, is serving up extra large portions of patriotic elegance - Hollywood Tuna 

Rooney Mara is dressed like a Russian toddler at her baptism - Celebitchy

I'm getting a slight 1990s Nicole Kidman vibe from Evan Rachel Wood in Cosmo - Drunken Stepfather

And now I'm picturing Jennifer Lawrence putting a level on her tits - IDLYITW

The cat knows a broke down unicorn horn when he sees one and refuses to have that on his head. Pussy has standards! - OMG Blog

Models look funny when they model - Popoholic

Isabella Cruise bleached and dyed her hair Thetans - ICYDK

As I scrolled through all of these pictures of hot pieces with six packs galore, I could see the dusty ab roller in the corner judging me hard - The Berry 

Maybe it's because it's Friday and the excitement is clouding my better judgement, but Katie Holmes doesn't look so haggard here - Popsugar

RIP Barney Bush - Buzzfeed

Further proof that the Steve Jobs biopic starring Ashton Kutcher is going be an iMess - SOW

But did Larry King lick Katie Couric's teeth with his lizard tongue after their date? - Videogum

Is that hipster Snow White with Marion Cotillard? - Cityrag

What in rental tablecloth hell is Joanna Krupa wearing? - I'm Not Obsessed

If I squint I can almost see if he's Jewish or not - Hollywood Rag 

It's nice to see that Beyonce's Foxxy Cleopatra wig found another home on Al Pacino's head - Kenneth in the (212)

The Real Plastic Faces Of Beverly Hills' Brandi Glanville is still whoring her book out hard and knows that the easiest way to sell a book is to put a hi-res picture of Prince Hot Ginge's peen in it. But since Brandi doesn't have that, she's selling that book hard by releasing the most foolish pieces from it. Brandi's latest jewel from her treasure trove of fuckery is about how she and Eddie Cibrian bumped crotches just hours after that they met at a West Hollywood nightclub. Brandi says that she kept saying no, but she meant yes and the whole thing was HILARIOUS!

“Six years after I moved to Europe, I came back to Los Angeles to shoot a Coors Light commercial and ended up in an obnoxious nightclub called Grandville on Santa Monica Boulevard in West Hollywood. Across the bar, I spotted an insanely attractive Cuban man who just couldn’t keep his eyes off me, and I couldn’t keep my eyes off him either. It was love at first sight – or perhaps, lust. Yes, we slept together that first night. I would never endorse sleeping with someone you just met, because half of the fun is the challenge. But, man, was it fucking hot! I used to joke that he ‘raped’ me. Rape jokes are never funny, except when they are. I was saying, ‘No,no,no,’ the entire time, but we all know that despite the adage, sometimes no does mean yes.”

Daniel Tosh just fell in love! I'm sure in a few months Brandi will be standing at the altar and holding Tosh's hands while laughing as he tells rape joke after rape joke in his vows to her. They are meant to be!

via Radar

Kanye West performed in Abu Dhabi last night and he wore the same outfit his publicists strapped to his body when they wanted him to stop tweeting. Slap a piece of industrial-strength tape over Kanye's mouth and he'd never look better! I know that Kanye is trying be oh-so-edgy and is trying to give us new layers of art (he isn't), but I'd be pissed if I spent good money on a Kanye concert only to have my soul fall out of my ass when he came out looking like the terrifying spawn of Michael Myers and Dr. Lecter. The mental patient mummy look is not the look.

And speaking of whorifying things, here's a knocked up Kim Kartrashian leaving the hair salon yesterday.

Lady CaCa's former assistant Jennifer O'Neill threw a lawsuit at her two years ago for overworking her like a Chinese child in a sweat shop and not paying her one single cent of overtime. Jennifer was CaCa's personal slave for 2 years from 2009 to 2011 and did everything for her from wiping the tuck sweat from her taint to wiping Terry Richardson's butt juices from her lips. Jennifer claims she worked day and night and says CaCa owes her almost $400,000 for 7,168 hours of overtime. CaCa refused to pay, Jennifer sued her and here we are now.

The New York Post says for 6 hours in a Manhattan office, CaCa blew out curse word after curse word and called Jennifer all kinds of names during her testimony. The Post got a hold of the transcripts from the testimony that were submitted to the court and lord, CaCa's not-so-inner cunt came out to play that day. While her head was firmly shoved up her ass, the cunt monster let everyone have it:

CaCa on how Jennifer is a shifty piece of trash who needs to bow down to the real queen of the universe: “[Jennifer O'Neill is a] fucking hood rat who is suing me for money that she didn’t earn. She’s just — she thinks she’s just like the queen of the universe. And, you know what, she didn’t want to be a slave to one, because in my work and what I do, I’m the queen of the universe every day.”

CaCa on Jennifer throwing her stank faces during her testimony: “Are you going to stare at me like a witch this whole time — honestly? Because this is going to be a long fucking day that you brought me here.”

CaCa on how none of her slaves got overtime and Jennifer knew this going in: “[Jennifer] knew exactly what she was getting into, and she knew there was no overtime, and I never paid her overtime the first time I hired her, so why would she be paid overtime the second time? This whole case is bullshit, and you know it."

CaCa on how Jennifer shouldn't complain about overtime, because she got to sleep on fancy sheets in fancy hotels and party with a turtle-faced creep: “I’m quite wonderful to everybody that works for me, and I am completely aghast to what a disgusting human being that you have become to sue me like this. Because she slept in Egyptian cotton sheets every night, in five-star hotels, on private planes, eating caviar, partying with [photographer] Terry Richardson all night, wearing my clothes, asking YSL [Yves Saint Laurent] to send her free shoes without my permission, using my YSL discount without my permission.”

CaCa on how she has such a good heart, because she gave Jennifer a $75,000 a year job that she wasn't qualified for: "[The job] was essentially a favor, and Jennifer was majorly unqualified for it. I expect there to be a certain level of, like, you know, knowledge and academia about, like, your job. [A good assistant] is somebody that can anticipate what you need before you need it, so they buy it for you, or they — they set it up for you.”

CaCa on why Jennifer sucked as an assistant: "One of the biggest problems I had with Jen is that I felt like she didn’t enough lay out all my stuff for me [while traveling]. There is 20 bags and there is only one me, and I can’t sift through everything. She would only open a couple of bags, and it was very stressful for me because then again on my off days I couldn’t really have a day off because, you know, I weigh 115 pounds, and I was trying to move these huge, big luggages all by myself in the room, and I did it all the time — by the way, she was asleep until 12:00 most of the time, so I was very often waking up and moving my own luggage and doing shit by myself, and it was — it was a problem that I had."

CaCa on how Jennifer should be thankful that she got to live a solid gold-covered diamond life for 2 years: “It is, like, such an amazing luxury that I get to travel the world and have planes, she doesn’t even see what a luxury it is, but she thinks it’s owed to her for no reason. [I took my employees to a] beautiful $3,000 meal that I paid for [at Spiaggia in Chicago]. They were on their day off, and they all just wanted to be with me.”

CaCa on how all her employees work only 8 hour days, but it's not 8 hours in a row: “You don’t get a schedule that is like you punch in and you can play fucking Tetris at your desk for four hours and then you punch out at the end of the day. This is — when I need you, you’re available. An eight-hour workday could still be a very difficult workday, you know, if you’re digging ditches or, you know, you’re, you know, putting sealing on a roof, you know. I’m not in any way discounting how hard an eight-hour work day can be, or discounting the role of an assistant. I do six shows a week, and I make a lot of money. I work, I work 24 hours a day. I’m not standing next to Steve holding tea, waiting for him to take a sip, that is not what I do."

CaCa on how she's going to give the $400,000 to her current employees instead of giving it to Jennifer: “I’m going to give all the money that she wants to my employees that work hard for me now that deserve it. I’m not going to give it to her so she can go to Intermix and buy herself a new tube top."

CaCa on how she was disgusted with Jennifer after Jennifer slept in one of the two beds on her private jet and refused to share pillows (HA!): “Most of my assistants in the past always offered it to my mother or my family. Jennifer was the first person that never offered it to anybody and always took it for herself. And she said, ‘No, I need my three pillows so I can sleep.' I heard it. I immediately was so sick by it and upset that I turned over and went back to sleep.”

CaCa on how after partying with Terry Richardson and fancy French socialites in Paris all night, they got back on the jet and Jennifer took one of the beds again: "[Jennifer] completely, like, flipped out at me, beyond belief when I told her no. I said, ‘Jennifer, this is really inappropriate in front of Terry Richardson,’ and she was like, ‘Don’t I get some sort of seniority because I’ve been here longer and I’m your friend?’ And I remember those words as clear as day, because when your best friend looks you in the eye and says ‘Why can’t I have that seat on your private plane, I’m your friend,’ the first thing I thought was ‘You’re not my fucking friend.’ You are not my fucking friend.”

All of this is gold, but the part that really made me cackle out of my panties is when CaCa said, "This is really inappropriate in front of Terry Richardson." If Terry Richardson was in a room full of Larry Kings (and we all know that Larry King is the MOST inappropriate person in the world), he'd still be the most inappropriate piece of trash in that room. Terry Richardson has busted a nut on a barely legal model's reluctant face in front of his entire crew and CaCa is telling somebody to act appropriate around him? I bet that when CaCa said that, Terry was in the back of the plane, jacking off into one of Jennifer's socks.

And damn, EGO really is a helluva drug.

Nicole Kidman's forehead is an icy tundra of zero emotions and if you stare at it long enough you expect to see a hungry polar bear roaming across it as it looks for food. Global warming is no match for Nicole Kidman's ice block forehead. Nicole admitted a couple of years ago that her face has had a few dates with the Botox needle before, but she said then that she hasn't touched the stuff for a while. But since Nicole's face still looks like a cue ball with lips, she was asked about using Botox and she once again said that she hasn't messed with that expression-killing crap in a long time. Nicole said this to Italy's La Repubblica (via stuff.co.nz):

"No surgery for me. I did try Botox, unfortunately, but I got out of it and now I can finally move my face again. I wear sunscreen, I don't smoke and I take care of myself, and I am proud to say that. Anybody can do anything to themselves - I don't judge - but personally I believe in being physically fit. That's how I was raised."

So, let's say Nicole Kidman is telling the truth and she hasn't filled her face veins with freeze nectar for a few years, then that means the old Botox hasn't melted away and that's why her forehead still looks like a white plastic cutting board from CB2. Screw Botox. I was thinking about youthening up my b-hole lips by getting the wrinkles out with Botox, but not anymore. I don't want my b-hole to always look like a plastic shower ring. Just for a little while.

The thing that I don't understand is why would you want to take away your ability to say "The hell is wrong with you?" with your face? One of the most useful tools in life is the ability to use your facial expressions to say "I hate you, you disgust me, get away from me" without even opening your mouth and so why would get rid of that? Why would you ever Botox the bitch from your face?

After weeks of barfing out a million denials covered in zesty sauce, Burger King finally admitted that if you ate a Whopper at one of their fine gourmet establishments in the UK, then you might've chewed on a ground up piece of the Black Stallion's nipple. Sarah Jessica Parker just stared in horror at her half-eaten Whopper and cried out "AUNTIE?!!!" before dropping it and galloping away.

When the grocery chain Tesco and a bunch of other companies found out that they sold ground beef with horse and pig in it, Burger King shook their heads no and swore on a bushel of the King's sweet potato curly pubes that all of their burgers are made with 100% beef. Even though BK's meat came from the same plant where the horse-tainted beef was found, they still denied it. But then BK did their own DNA tests and found out that yup, there's Seabiscuit in that shit. They pushed out this statement to The Guardian:

"Our independent DNA test results on product taken from restaurants were negative for any equine DNA. However, four samples recently taken from the Silvercrest plant have shown the presence of very small trace levels of equine DNA. Within the last 36 hours, we have established that Silvercrest used a small percentage of beef imported from a non-approved supplier in Poland. They promised to deliver 100% British and Irish beef patties and have not done so. This is a clear violation of our specifications, and we have terminated our relationship with them.

[The company was] deeply troubled by the findings of our investigation and apologise to our guests, who trust us to source only the highest quality 100% beef burgers. Our supplier has failed us and in turn we have failed you".

"The highest quality 100% beef burgers"? That is some charbroiled bullshittery right there. Who expects Kobe beef-like hamburgers when they go to Burger King? You know that when you go to BK you're going to get the wrong stuff between two buns (Side note: "Wrong stuff between two buns" is what's written on my medical file every time I go to the free clinic for a prostate check). I'm surprised that there's more than just horse meat in there. I eat too much fast food and every time I eat that crap, I know that I probably just ate a patty made of worms, subway rats and coagulated chicken jelly. They're allowed to call it beef because they get a cow to queef on it before they ship it off. I still eat it, it's still delicious and it still makes my butt cry for mercy on the toilet.

So yeah, if you've eaten fast food, then I'm sure you've wrapped your mouth around a big piece of horse meat before. You sick Equus bitch.

Wearing a wig that looks better than anything on Nicki Minaj's head and showing Keith Urban what Nicole Kidman would look like if she didn't replace all the blood in her face with coolant, Steven Tyler  made nipples moist when he auditioned for four Fraggle Rock refugees as Pepper LaBeija from the House of LaBeija. (+10 points to Steven for that Paris is Burning reference.) Steven Tyler must not have shit to do, because he returned to American Idol last night and looked like he just jacked off a bellboy in exchange for two cots in a storage closet at The Beverly Hills Hotel. Steven Tyler does White Oprah drag better than White Oprah does White Oprah drag.

Here's Steven giving us some Dude Looks Like A Lohan shit:

And I know Steven Tyler's got a dick hole cut out in those control top tights, so yes, yes, I would.

via Daily Mail