The Ice Cream Punch Toy from the 1980s and beyond!
There's not much to the Ice Cream Punch Toy. It was an ice cream ball made of foam on top of a plastic cone. You bought one for two quarters or maybe a dollar at the 99 Cent Store or from the liquor store (Side note: Where I grew up, we called the "deli" the "liquor store" from some reason). You were supposed to pretend to lick on the Ice Cream Punch Toy and since that foam ball looked SO MUCH like a real scoop of ice cream, your friend would ask you what flavor you were eating and you'd point it at them, pull the trigger and the foam ball would punch them in the face. But since everybody knew what was up and it looked nothing like real ice cream, we'd just attack each other with it. Our parents would laugh as we hit each other over the head with the foam ball and strangled each other with the cord. Basically, it was Chris Brown's favorite toy as a kid.
Tom Hiddleston (32)
Michael B. Jordan (26)
David Gallagher (28)
Ziyi Zhang (34)
A.J. Buckley (35)
Charlie Day (37)
Amber Valletta (39)
Colin Egglesfield (40)
Travis Tritt (50)
Holly Johnson of Frankie Goes to Hollywood (53)
Jim J. Bullock (58)
Charles Shaughnessy (58)
Ciaran Hinds (60)
Judith Light (64)
Mia Farrow (68)
Alice Walker (69)
Joe Pesci (70)
Carole King (71)
Will Arnett has lost his TV wife, because Christina Applegate is taking the next dinghy to dry land before Up All Night sinks to the bottom completely. NBC said a few months ago that Up All Night would get overhauled and they were planning to change it from a single-camera comedy to a multi-camera sitcom complete with a live studio audience and a laugh track. Even though one of the stars of the show has exited stage left, NBC is still planning to shoot a new season with Will Arnett and Maya Rudolph and they're planning to bring in another lead actress. Kelly Bundy gave this open goodbye letter to The Hollywood Reporter and basically said that she's leaving before shit gets even messier:
"It's been a great experience working on Up All Night, but the show has taken a different creative direction, and I decided it was best for me to move on to other endeavors. Working with Lorne Michaels has been a dream come true, and I am grateful he brought me into his TV family. I will miss the cast, producers and crew and wish them the best always."
Now that Kelly Bundy has quit that bitch, the only way NBC can save Up All Night is if they keep the title, fire Will Arnett, fire Maya Rudolph, dump the plot, hire the legendary Rhonda Shear and just have her introduce B-movies all night. Like this!
When NBC announced they were doing a show called Up All Night a couple of years ago, I really thought it was a reboot of this and got really excited. Rhonda Shear needs a major comeback (and no, that HSN shit doesn't count)!
18-year-old Penelope Soto from Miami learned earlier this week that the judge is always the head bitch of the court room and don't ever try to out bitch the head bitch because you will end up in a jail cell. Penelope was in court on Monday to answer to the charge of a possessing a bar of Xanax (break me off a piece of that bar) and Judge Jorge Rodriguez-Chomat set her bail at $5,000, but raised it to $10,000 when she got cute and then jailed her for 30 days when she gave him the middle finger. But thankfully for Penelope, her gorgeous burgundy hair isn't going to fade, because she's been released from the clink and has reunited with her tube of Radiant Red Shampoo.
With her family next to her, Penelope cried out tears of sowwies in front of Judge Jorge today and apologized to him, the court and her family for flipping his ass off and not being respectful. WTSP says that Judge Jorge accepted her apology and then he looked her in the eye and quoted Wiz Khalifa when he said, "I tell a bitch bow down to a motherfucking G ho." Judge Jorge then dropped the contempt charges, released her from jail and wished her luck in completing a court ordered drug treatment program. All charges will be dropped once Penelope completes rehab.
And now this week's episode of When Keeping It Bitchy Goes Wrong has a happy ending. Now if only Penelope will apologize to my chola cousin for stealing her signature hair color. A color that she gets from mixing two different shades of Nice 'N Easy, thankyouverymuch.
Kate Upton is Sports Illustrated: Swim Edition's cover girl for the second year in a row. That cover is awkward as shit, but Kate Upton probably froze her ass lips off and suffered from frost bite of the nipples while making it so she deserves it. Oh, and chichiiiiiiiiiiiiiis - ONTD
Jennifer Lawrence is giving us the new money Carmen Sandiego - Lainey Gossip
Dubya is a regular Bob Ross - Towleroad
What Hermione Granger really meant to say is, "Let a young ho, be a young ho" - Celebitchy
If the ground feels kind of cold today, that's because hell froze over after Kelly Brook wore outside - Hollywood Tuna
My guess is that the Justice League script was put in the shredder because there wasn't an airborne 69 scene between Superman and Batman - The Superficial
David Beckham's rumored side piece is in a bikini - Drunken Stepfather
I want to serve scones and tea on #28's extra large nipple plate - The Berry
John Mayer tells us something we already knew - ICYDK
The Spring Breakers posters look like fliers for a Florida beach rave in the late 80s - Popoholic
Bruce Willis knows that the title of his movie sounds more like the title for a Dr. Kevorkian biopic - IDLYITW
Things that make sense: James Franco is the Mayor of Gay Town - OMG Blog
Things that don't make sense: Brett Ratner is producing a Farmville TV show - Videogum
Gisele Bundchen's daughter, who will probably be a VS Angel class of 2033, makes her Facebook debut - Just Jared
Nicole Richie is dressed like the villainous cosmetics magnate from a 1990s comedy movie starring Christine Applegate - Popsugar
In the last surprising news of the day, Rex Reed called Melissa McCarthy a hippo in a movie review - Gawker
Is Martha Stewart giving Blake NotSoLively styling tips too? - Moe Jackson
Natalie Portman SANS FARDS - Cityrag
You can tell that Al Roker was feeling it something passionate, because I'm pretty sure he sharted at the end - SOW
Lou Ferrigno is no Pastor Bell - The Frisky
I almost didn't recognize Aubrey O'Day with her nipples covered - I'm Not Obsessed
We can all ascend now that we've seen beauty and glamour in its finest, rawest and most potent form. I hope you have a paper bag handy, because it's only a matter of seconds before your b-hole starts hyperventilating. That is a natural reaction to the sight of elegance incarnate.
It only took two packs of Lee Press On Nails, five Sharpies, four handfuls of stick-on rhinestones, three jars of Vaseline, one bottle of Wite Out, a gallon of oil-based red paint, a whole lot of black shoe polish and the finest rhinestone pieces from QVC, but the most gorgeous creature in Europe Harald Glööckler managed to top himself. And yes, I'm pretty sure that's the only time in the history of forever that the words "Harald Glööckler managed to top" have been typed, read or spoken.
Last night in Austria, Mira Sorvino, her husband, Gina Lollobrigida and dozens of others at the Vienna Opera Ball lost their breaths and suffered from severe glamour inhalation when Harald Glööckler rode in on a horse-drawn carriage like the royal empress he is.
Let's all bow down to the unicorn skunk chola who is as precious as a wet kiss from a rainbow and as dazzling as a Liberace butt queef. Actually, I don't think Harald glued those rhinestones to his beautiful face. He's just having an acne breakout. Yes, even his acne breakouts are works of art.
In case you don't know who this is, I'll give you five possible answers:
a) Samantha Ronson in 20 years
b) The sixth place winner in a Billy Idol look-alike contest at a bar in Manchester
c) A Hot Topic assistant manager dressed in Guy Fieri cosplay
d) A volunteer model from Billie Joe Armstrong's School of Beauty
e) Ethan Hawke
Any of those answers work, but the real answer is Ethan Hawke. Ethan Hawke worked a bleached mop and Urban Decay eyeliner while posing with his cast mates and the playwright at the opening night of the play Clive in NYC last night. Yes, I'd hit it. And I'd hit it extra hard if you told me that Ethan's carpet matches his bleached drapes. I am all for blond pubes with black roots.
Instead of paying Kanye West in taint licks to make her look like lukewarm shit, Kim Kardashian is paying a stylist in cash to make her look like lukewarm shit. Nicola Formichetti, the creative director of Mugler, told Page Six that he's dressing Kim's Thanksgiving gourd body and he loves it:
“Already she has a different body type than models. I think it’s sexy when the girls have the big ass and the voluminous body. It’s much sexier than skinny girls who are in tight clothes.”
And here's the Kim showing off Nicola's work while leaving her house the other day. It's nice to see that Kim is still the epitome of grace, demureness and sophistication even with her next Life & Style cover growing in her womb.
Never mind the fact that Kim's pants are eating her hooves or the fact that her sheer top is seven types of NO, what is going on with that heffa's face? I guess swelling from pregnancy and massive amounts of Botox don't mix well together. I just want to sit on a park bench and throw pieces of bread at her face, because bitch looks like a duck more than usual. Bitch looks like Magica De Spell and I should slap myself for typing that, because that's offensive to cartoon duck villainesses.
"Why don't I just flash you real quick and we can pretend like this never.... Wait, why are your running away while scratching at your eyeballs? Take these papers with you!!!!" is probably what White Oprah screamed at a process server yesterday when he dropped off foreclosure notice papers. Both Radar and The New York Post says that a process server dropped off very important court documents at the Lohan family house on Long Island yesterday. The fat-mouthed process served told a reporter for the Post that the documents were for a mortgage issue with Chase bank. Radar says that this isn't the first time White Oprah is in danger of losing the Lohan family crack house and that she's almost $1 million in debt. That gurgling in my stomach isn't from the Oreo and protein powder shake I had for breakfast. It's from thinking of that Steve dude from Vivid offering LiLo and White Oprah $1 million to do mother/daughter porn.
Radar also says that LiLo moved into her old bedroom at White Oprah's house, because her credit sucks and she can't even afford to rent a storage closet in the Bronx. But some source (FYI: in real talk, "some source" translates into "Dina Lohan") tells TMZ that LiLo isn't shacked up in her old bedroom. LiLo is putting the SO? and HO in SoHo, because she's living rent-free in a friend's SoHo penthouse. The friend is letting her stay there for free until she can get her own place and is letting her live there for as long as she wants.
I really can't hate on LiLo's hustle. Whenever I give a lazy handjob and a half-assed blow job, I get pushed out of the car. But when LiLo does it, she gets to live in a SoHo penthouse for free! I wonder if her friend is still going to consider himself a friend of hers when he shows up to his penthouse and finds that she's taken everything including the faucets and that she's been renting the place to the leaders of an underground sex ring for twice as much.
Eddie And LeAnn Make Fun Of Brandi On Instagram, Because It's Not Like They Have Anything Else To Do
And it's not like I have anything else to do but write about all these dumb bitches, which might make me the dumbest bitch of them all. Developing...
Eddie Cibrian somehow found time between spending LeAnn Rimes' money and trolling Ashley Madison for side tricks to open up a public Instagram account. Eddie said he only used Instagram to share pictures with his friends and family members. But after "no-lifers and losers" somehow found Eddie Cibrian's Instagram page by typing, "Eddie Cibrian Instagram page," and started leaving messages of hate, he closed it forever. A couple of weeks before Eddie shut down his Instagram page, he Instagrammed this picture and added the note: "Drinking and instragramming whatttttttttt my new book title." Get it?! But LeAnn went on her Twitter yesterday to say that they weren't making fun of Brandi, because that picture is from two years ago so obviously Brandi is the one who stole from them!
@AsianPosh1 @allabouttrh @eddiecibrian since he didn't tweet that and that was over two years ago....it's the other way around
These bitches are all obsessed with each other and I'm starting to think they're in on it together. If LeAnn wasn't publicly flaring her nostrils at Brandi Glanville, nobody would be talking about Brandi Glanville. If Brandi Glanville wasn't publicly aiming her shank at LeAnn and Eddie, nobody would really be talking about LeAnn and Eddie. I bet that when they're not stage fighting for relevancy, they're all three-way spooning together in LeAnn's stall. I see all of them!
And a special fuck you to Eddie Cibrian for using delicious booze in his stunts. What did booze ever do to him? How can I enjoy a shot of Patron now that the image of LeAnn making squint-ified sex eyes is burned into my brain. I did not need to see her "rimming" face.
Here's LeAnn wearing leftover gift trimmings from Christmas at a Grammy event last night in L.A.