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Falkor Rimes got banged and she'd look a million times hotter if her bangs were about 24 inches longer - ICYDK

That look on Alice Eve's face tells me that Bradley Cooper just asked her if he can deep throat her big toe - Lainey Gossip

John Travolta volunteers his mouth as the venue to hold the dick-off between Marky Mark and Michael Fassbender - The Superficial 

Beyonce wore one of Bette Midler's pantsuits from Big Business to the Grammys last night - Celebitchy

The chipmunk Pink broke a Grammy rule last night - Drunken Stepfather

Rich bitches in L.A. dress so weird. Case in point: Selena Gomez - Hollywood Tuna 

The Postal Service has a new song and I'm sure you'll soon hear it in every Apple commercial and every episode of every CW show - Towleroad

Lindsay Lohan's escort service business is going well - IDLYITW

The Photoshop Awards: Jennifer Love Hewitt on Shape Magazine - Popoholic

If you have a serious tank top fetish, here's something to feed it - The Berry 

Baby sting rays have sweet, sweet moves - OMG Blog

Carrie Underwood's MAC screensaver dress blew minds last night and I guarantee you that 100% of those blown minds were stoned - Buzzfeed 

Ten seconds later, Adam Levine had sun burns on his face from standing that close to Sting - Just Jared

But when will we finally get a documentary about Color Me Badd? - Jezebel

Megan Fox and David Silver are in Brazil for carnival and I really hope he treats everyone to a very special carnival performance of Be Be Be My Love - Popsugar

Prince's bedazzled cane was the star of the night - Crunk + Disorderly

Are we sure this isn't really Miley Cyrus and the pictures got mislabeled? - Moe Jackson

Elisha Cuthbert does Maxim - Hollywood Rag

Eva Mendes does the "hide the color sore on the edge of my mouth" move - I'm Not Obsessed

RiRi keeps it demure in a hotel sheet skirt - Cityrag

I don't even care that Brit Brit's eyebrows look like they went poof during a meth lab explosion. I'm just in awe of her ability to keep the memory of the important fashion houses, Contempo Casuals and Judy's, alive in one extremely sophisticated ensemble. Cancel every Fashion Week, because the Coco Chanel of our time has spoken. Bleached jeans from Mandee's are so NOW!

Let me try to put this as eloquent as possible:

FOR WHY?????!!!!?? MY EYES! MY SOUL! IT BURNS! WHY?!!!!!!

On Saturday, I went to see the optometrist and I thought it was going to be a regular appointment. You know, she'd check my eyes, tell me I'm as blind as always and then kick me out after I ask her if I could stick my ass against the glaucoma testing machine for a few minutes. But I didn't get to ask her about sticking my ass against the glaucoma testing machine, because she pulled up some pictures they took of my eyeballs and told me that it looks like my retina is detaching from eyeball and I have to go to a specialist. Just minutes before I went to the eye doctor, I watched Courtney Stodden's video. Coincidence?! NO! We finally have scientific proof that the sight of Courtney Stodden tears retinas! My eye doctor should've told me to stay away from all images of Courtney Stodden until further notice, because I don't think my eyes will ever be the same after seeing these pictures of the porn iguana kissing her daddy on the red carpet. If my retina didn't already detach from my eye, it did now!

Courtney's creepy husband Doug Hutchison, her dad Alex Stodden and her pimp mom Krista Stodden all came out to celebrate the premiere of her music video at some club in L.A. last night. Surprisingly, the creepiest moment of the night wasn't when Courtney sucked on Doug's serial killer dough face while hugging a stripper pole. The creepiest moment of the night was when Alex Stodden spanked his daughter and then kissed her. They're like the Tales from the Crypt version of Jessica Simpson and Papa Joe. And it looks like when Daddy Alex gets really excited, his chins expand.

If it turns out that Daddy Alex is a closeted pastor who is really into twinks, I'm done. I'm done.

As JLo pulled the fame whoring leg move at the Grammys, the fame whoring leg move's original creator Angie Jolie was at a different awards show and her fame whoring leg had the night off. Angie Jolie shocked everyone by wearing another grey dress to give a lifetime achievement award to Dean Semler, the director of photography on In the Land of Blood and Honey, at the Society of Cinematographers Outstanding Achievement Awards in Hollywood last night. Angie Jo looked cold, tired, malnourished and her cheeks looked like two plastic nutsacks slipping off of her face, but you too would look like a living advertisement for The Walking Dead if you spent your days keeping the child army in check, running after virgins to suck the youth out of and rolling your eyes at the amazing furniture designs that Brad Pitt sketched while high on the good shit.

I was going to say that Angie should be the new pope, but that would be a demotion. If God is one of the CEOs of all things holy, then the pope is the assistant night manager IF THAT. It's totally beneath St. Angie.

Pope Eggs Benedict became the first pope in 600 years to resign as the head bitch in charge of the Catholic Church today and he did so because he's taking a more lucrative job as the head coach of Penn State's football team. No, Pope Eggs Benedict is giving up his tiara, because he's old and because he wants to focus all of his time on his real love: modeling shoes for Prada. This reminds me of when nearly every Catholic woman in my family fell to the ground, screamed and boxed the air over the news that the Elvis of popes, Pope John Paul II, died. Pope Eggs Benedict is the Steve Sanders to Pope John Paul's Dylan McKay, so I don't know if any abuelitas are punching the sky over this news. But everybody has something to say about this including noted pope hater Sinead O'Connor who went on her site and congratulated Pope Eggs Benedict for quitting his job.

I would like to congratulate Pope Benedict on his wise decision to retire before the very worst of what has been going on is discovered. I appreciate his alluding to some of it in his statement and assure him The Most High forgives those who can faithfully say they did wrong.
The church had been brought into dreadful disrepute by lies and blasphemies against The Holy Spirit. Benedict’s greatest achievement is this act of retiring. There is a chance now for the church to be re-built and made fit to house The Holy Spirit.

Who cares if Sinead is dressed like a middle-aged suburban dad on a cruise to Jamaica, she should be pope! If Sinead was pope, I'd probably start going to church on Sundays, because I really want to sit through an entire mass dedicated to the trials and tribulations of the difficult brown.

Taylor Swift didn't only take a shot at millions of ear drums by singing live at the Grammys last night, but she also took a shot at Harry Styles during her fourth place talent show performance of her latest musical burn book entry. Because dressing her back-up dancers in recycled costumes from Madonna's VMAs Vogue performance and old outfits from a community theater production of Alice in Wonderland wasn't getting her enough attention, Taylor Swift tried to get all the attention by making fun of Harry Styles while doing a British accent that was so shitty it made Nicki Minaj's British accent sound one hundred percent authentic.

What in the hell kind of 23-year-old woman calls her boyfriend of 2 seconds out at the Grammys? Taylor is missing her calling. Bitch shouldn't be a multi-millionaire pop star. Bitch should be a full-time and professional 8th grader, because her whole circus of suck act was some junior high school talent show shit. Besides, didn't Taylor and Harry Styles tear up their relationship contract almost a month ago? And she's still going on about him? You'd think that by now Taylor Swift would've dated, dumped and wrote songs about every other member of One Direction, every white boy actor in a CW show, every one of the Beckham boys, every Romney son and all of the Duggar boys. Taylor's game is slipping!

And the only thing more annoying than Taylor Swift calling out Harry Styles on stage was Taylor Swift ruining every performance by singing and dancing along to it for the cameras. Bitch is the real-life Patty Simcox from Grease and I don't mean that in a good way.

Here's Taylor meeting her #1 hipster fan (and not in an ironic way, of course) and fellow feminist hero Lena Dunham last night. Lena Dunham's yellow sack of a dress is all kinds of ugly, but after seeing Patrick Wilson rub his hot naked body all over her naked body during most of last night's episode of Girls, I'm glad to see her fully clothed.

Parking space rivals Frank Ocean and Chris Brown were up against each other for the Best Urban Contemporary Album award and when Frank Ocean won, everybody stood up, because they stand up for EVERYTHING at the Grammys. Well, everybody stood up except for Fist Brown. I guess bitch doesn't love it when somebody beats him for a change. The truth is, everybody would've called The Difficult Brown a fake bitch if he did stand up for his parking space rival, but I'd like to think that he didn't stand up, because he gambled with a fart and lost in an Al Roker way and didn't want people to see it seeping through his pristine white pants.

But the best part of this moment (brought to us by Buzzfeed) isn't Fist Brown refusing to stand, it's the fact that Adele read him with just one simple side-eye. And she delivered it while wearing one of Mrs. Doubtfire's favorite outfits. Now that's some shit to stand up for.

It's nice to see that the Grammys still aren't about recognizing the best talent in music (see: Carly Rae Jepsen's nomination) and still all about what's really important: TITTY BALLS! While giving us her best Priscilla Presley circa 1969 cosplay, Katy Perry also gave us chichis for days and Ellen Degeneres just couldn't help getting all up in there with her eyeballs as a butchified Portia de Rossi laughed next to her. If you stare at that picture long enough, you can almost see Ellen's eyeballs pop out of their sockets like a cartoon cat. Ellen is either motorboating with her eyes or she can't believe that certified douche bag John Mayer, who was wearing one of Willy Wonka's old suits, gets suffocate himself in Katy Perry's magnificent chichis every single night.

And yeah, when Ellen Degeneres humps Katy's titties with her eyes, everybody laughs and calls her a comedic genius. But if a straight dude did it, he'd get a punch to the eye and a restraining order. So if you see Gerard Butler and Mel Gibson trolling around with a tiny blond wig on their heads, a fitted blazer on their bodies and a Home Depot card stuck in their pockets, you know what they're up to.

Ok Head out, Shoulder out, now where is the part that tells me how long its gonna take this fucking reptile to push out the rest of me? - crankenstein

Runners-up:

You know, just Jon Hamm, sitting around, catching up on his reading. - Spkheller

I'd rather lay in a bedful of snakes than read "Fifty Shades of Grey" - Eileenie McMeanie

When Neil said he was getting into bed with snakes, everyone just assumed he meant his joint home fragrance venture with the Kardashians. - jellin76

via Metro

The hot lady who threw a "somebody please point me toward the nearest trash receptacle because I'm about to barf out all of my internal organs" side-eye for all of us at the Grammys last night.

Yes, RiRi gets a tattered bronze star for giving an F U to CBS by letting her nipples be great. But I can't with her STUNT QUEEN ass cuddling up to Fist Brown like he didn't try to kill her ass a few years ago. That is why the lady throwing a major stank eye is taking me higher. Looking at that picture is like getting mouth-to-mouth to my soul. Fist Brown is being extra EXTRA and that lady isn't buying any of it. Side-eye lady, please speak for me from now on.