Archives

We can all ascend now that we've seen beauty and glamour in its finest, rawest and most potent form. I hope you have a paper bag handy, because it's only a matter of seconds before your b-hole starts hyperventilating. That is a natural reaction to the sight of elegance incarnate.

It only took two packs of Lee Press On Nails, five Sharpies, four handfuls of stick-on rhinestones, three jars of Vaseline, one bottle of Wite Out, a gallon of oil-based red paint, a whole lot of black shoe polish and the finest rhinestone pieces from QVC, but the most gorgeous creature in Europe Harald Glööckler managed to top himself. And yes, I'm pretty sure that's the only time in the history of forever that the words "Harald Glööckler managed to top" have been typed, read or spoken.

Last night in Austria, Mira Sorvino, her husband, Gina Lollobrigida and dozens of others at the Vienna Opera Ball lost their breaths and suffered from severe glamour inhalation when Harald Glööckler rode in on a horse-drawn carriage like the royal empress he is.

Let's all bow down to the unicorn skunk chola who is as precious as a wet kiss from a rainbow and as dazzling as a Liberace butt queef. Actually, I don't think Harald glued those rhinestones to his beautiful face. He's just having an acne breakout. Yes, even his acne breakouts are works of art.

In case you don't know who this is, I'll give you five possible answers:

a) Samantha Ronson in 20 years
b) The sixth place winner in a Billy Idol look-alike contest at a bar in Manchester
c) A Hot Topic assistant manager dressed in Guy Fieri cosplay
d) A volunteer model from Billie Joe Armstrong's School of Beauty
e) Ethan Hawke

Any of those answers work, but the real answer is Ethan Hawke. Ethan Hawke worked a bleached mop and Urban Decay eyeliner while posing with his cast mates and the playwright at the opening night of the play Clive in NYC last night. Yes, I'd hit it. And I'd hit it extra hard if you told me that Ethan's carpet matches his bleached drapes. I am all for blond pubes with black roots.

Instead of paying Kanye West in taint licks to make her look like lukewarm shit, Kim Kardashian is paying a stylist in cash to make her look like lukewarm shit. Nicola Formichetti, the creative director of Mugler, told Page Six that he's dressing Kim's Thanksgiving gourd body and he loves it:

“Already she has a different body type than models. I think it’s sexy when the girls have the big ass and the voluminous body. It’s much sexier than skinny girls who are in tight clothes.”

And here's the Kim showing off Nicola's work while leaving her house the other day. It's nice to see that Kim is still the epitome of grace, demureness and sophistication even with her next Life & Style cover growing in her womb.

Never mind the fact that Kim's pants are eating her hooves or the fact that her sheer top is seven types of NO, what is going on with that heffa's face? I guess swelling from pregnancy and massive amounts of Botox don't mix well together. I just want to sit on a park bench and throw pieces of bread at her face, because bitch looks like a duck more than usual. Bitch looks like Magica De Spell and I should slap myself for typing that, because that's offensive to cartoon duck villainesses.

"Why don't I just flash you real quick and we can pretend like this never.... Wait, why are your running away while scratching at your eyeballs? Take these papers with you!!!!" is probably what White Oprah screamed at a process server yesterday when he dropped off foreclosure notice papers. Both Radar and The New York Post says that a process server dropped off very important court documents at the Lohan family house on Long Island yesterday. The fat-mouthed process served told a reporter for the Post that the documents were for a mortgage issue with Chase bank. Radar says that this isn't the first time White Oprah is in danger of losing the Lohan family crack house and that she's almost $1 million in debt. That gurgling in my stomach isn't from the Oreo and protein powder shake I had for breakfast. It's from thinking of that Steve dude from Vivid offering LiLo and White Oprah $1 million to do mother/daughter porn.

Radar also says that LiLo moved into her old bedroom at White Oprah's house, because her credit sucks and she can't even afford to rent a storage closet in the Bronx. But some source (FYI: in real talk, "some source" translates into "Dina Lohan") tells TMZ that LiLo isn't shacked up in her old bedroom. LiLo is putting the SO? and HO in SoHo, because she's living rent-free in a friend's SoHo penthouse. The friend is letting her stay there for free until she can get her own place and is letting her live there for as long as she wants.

I really can't hate on LiLo's hustle. Whenever I give a lazy handjob and a half-assed blow job, I get pushed out of the car. But when LiLo does it, she gets to live in a SoHo penthouse for free! I wonder if her friend is still going to consider himself a friend of hers when he shows up to his penthouse and finds that she's taken everything including the faucets and that she's been renting the place to the leaders of an underground sex ring for twice as much.

And it's not like I have anything else to do but write about all these dumb bitches, which might make me the dumbest bitch of them all. Developing...

Eddie Cibrian somehow found time between spending LeAnn Rimes' money and trolling Ashley Madison for side tricks to open up a public Instagram account. Eddie said he only used Instagram to share pictures with his friends and family members. But after "no-lifers and losers" somehow found Eddie Cibrian's Instagram page by typing, "Eddie Cibrian Instagram page," and started leaving messages of hate, he closed it forever. A couple of weeks before Eddie shut down his Instagram page, he Instagrammed this picture and added the note: "Drinking and instragramming whatttttttttt my new book title." Get it?! But LeAnn went on her Twitter yesterday to say that they weren't making fun of Brandi, because that picture is from two years ago so obviously Brandi is the one who stole from them!

@AsianPosh1 @allabouttrh @eddiecibrian since he didn't tweet that and that was over two years ago....it's the other way around

These bitches are all obsessed with each other and I'm starting to think they're in on it together. If LeAnn wasn't publicly flaring her nostrils at Brandi Glanville, nobody would be talking about Brandi Glanville. If Brandi Glanville wasn't publicly aiming her shank at LeAnn and Eddie, nobody would really be talking about LeAnn and Eddie. I bet that when they're not stage fighting for relevancy, they're all three-way spooning together in LeAnn's stall. I see all of them!

And a special fuck you to Eddie Cibrian for using delicious booze in his stunts. What did booze ever do to him? How can I enjoy a shot of Patron now that the image of LeAnn making squint-ified sex eyes is burned into my brain. I did not need to see her "rimming" face.

Here's LeAnn wearing leftover gift trimmings from Christmas at a Grammy event last night in L.A.

There are many things that Cissy Houston hates like Bobby Brown, the thought of Whitney Houston clit wrestling with her best friend, lesbian stuff and gay stuff, but what she really hates is the invitation she got in the mail for Clive Davis' pre-Grammy party on Saturday night. Whitney Houston died hours before Clive Davis' annual party last year and this year he's paying tribute to her at his party and invited the entire Houston family. Gary Houston, the brother who said to Whitney many years ago, "Whitney, meet crack, crack meet Whitney," is going to the party, but Cissy Houston is not. Cissy Houston tells Access Hollywood that she was so offended by Clive's invitation that she clutched her pearls, slapped a grandchild and ripped off her wig (and Cissy doesn't even wear a wig!). Cissy said she'll never go to a party at the same hotel where her daughter died.

“I got an invitation to the party — which is the most obscene thing. I don’t know why they would want me to come to the party in which she died, you know? Unheard of. I guess maybe he just sent me a copy for remembrance sake.”

So let's see...

Clive Davis inviting Cissy Houston to his party = OBSCENE! UNHEARD OF! TRASHY! DISGUSTING!

But...

Cissy Houston making money off of a tell-all about her daughter's life = none of those words above

Got it, Cissy!

And here's Cissy at the unveiling of four new wax statues of Whitney Houston at Madam Tussauds in NYC yesterday.

Despite it being microscopic, Pricksohorny Pete saw his own penis shadow and declared 6 more weeks of winter. - Aphid

Runners-up:

Every time Canada denies Randy Quaid's citizenship application, he removes a piece of clothing. - GingeMinge

Even with all this distraction, John Travolta, we all know you are going bald. - FluffKitteh

When Igor knocked on the door and saw Chris Hansen, he tried to make a quick getaway. - atlantapug

via Izismile

The Boston sign language interpreter  who is serious, means business and isn't here to entertain you with her dazzling jazz hands or magical arm waves (I'm talking to you, John Maucere and Lydia Calas).

Soon, a lot of you in the East Coast will be able to sculpt a 9 foot tall peen out of snow and you'll see Lindsay Lohan trying to catch extra chunky drops of white powder with her nostrils. THE SNOW STORM OF THE CENTURY is hitting the East Coast tonight, and last night the governor of Massachusetts Deval Patrick and other officials held a press conference. The press conference was supposed to let residents to know what to do (stock up on weed, pork rinds, lube and beer, and download as much porn as possible), but it turned out to be a showcase for a sign language star. Dlisted reader Robski sent this jewel in and he put it better than I ever could:

I'm a Boston resident and as Blizzard 2013 approaches people are going crazy for milk and bread the supermarkets are packed, I noticed this on my way to Kappy's to stock up on vodka. I was watching TV just now and thought of you and Dlisted so I got this short clip. There is so much YES happening here. Boston does not mess around and when it comes to sign language interpreters apparently we mean business as well. There are no happy smiling jazz hand antics here, this is a woman ready to deliver a message to a people then get back to the A Street Tavern to close the place out. But I think we all know who the real star of this clip is, perhaps she is warm, perhaps she is signing for Kunty Karl's safety, perhaps she is just fierce

And get into her fan hands. She looks like my abuelita checking to see if the tortillas on the stove are hot or not:

via CBS Boston (also thanks to John for sending this in)

Nick Nolte (72)
Bethany Hamilton (23)
Jim Verraros (30)
Abi Titmuss (37)
Joshua Morrow (39)
Seth Green (39)
Mary McCormack (44)
Shiva Rose (44)
Trinny Woodall (49)
Vince Neil (52)
John Grisham (58)
Mary Steenburgen (60)
Cristina Ferrare (63)
Ted Koppel (73)
John Williams (81)

Former HSOTD, internet superstar and bronchitis' #1 hater (but aren't we all?) Sweet Brown has finally made her TV debut in a commercial for a dentist's office that is only airing in Oklahoma. This is just the beginning, soon we'll be seeing Sweet Brown say her catchphrases for commercials for everything from a colonic center ("I got constipation! Ain't nobody got time for that!") to the free clinic ("I said 'Lord Jesus, it's the clap.")

And more importantly, why didn't this commercial play during the Super Bowl?!

via Queerty