The hot lady who threw a "somebody please point me toward the nearest trash receptacle because I'm about to barf out all of my internal organs" side-eye for all of us at the Grammys last night.
Yes, RiRi gets a tattered bronze star for giving an F U to CBS by letting her nipples be great. But I can't with her STUNT QUEEN ass cuddling up to Fist Brown like he didn't try to kill her ass a few years ago. That is why the lady throwing a major stank eye is taking me higher. Looking at that picture is like getting mouth-to-mouth to my soul. Fist Brown is being extra EXTRA and that lady isn't buying any of it. Side-eye lady, please speak for me from now on.
Taylor Lautner (21)
Burt Reynolds (77)
Q'orianka Kilcher (23)
Aubrey O'Day (29)
Natalie Dormer (31)
Kelly Rowland (32)
Matthew Lawrence (33)
Mike Shinoda (36)
Isaiah Mustafa (39)
Kelly Slater (41)
Damian Lewis (42)
Jennifer Aniston (44)
Sarah Palin (49)
Sheryl Crow (51)
Carey Lowell (52)
Catherine Hickland (57)
Tina Louise (79)
Since JLo was told to not show any pastry puff labia, side tit and/or ass cleavage, she copy+pasted Angie Joli's fame whore leg move and came out to the Grammys tonight wearing a dress that was cut up all the way to the place where Casper Smart refuses to go unless she waves a $100 bill in front of it. This will show those prude bitches with tightened assholes in CBS' Standards and Practices Department. They can ban as many body parts as they want, but JLo will still find the one body part they didn't ban and whore the hell out of that body part, because she's that desperate for camera clicks.
It's a good thing that CBS didn't try to ban "fame whoring legs," because if they did JLo would've had to get attention by spreading her ass cheeks and flashing her bleached culito lips. CBS didn't say anything about bleached culito lips.
The good news is that Adele didn't wear another black dress that made her look like an Italian widow from the 1960s. The bad news is that somebody's grandma is doing the slow wall slide while clutching her favorite rosary, because she can't take knowing that her favorite sofa in her "fancy" living room was murdered and butchered and its hide was thrown onto Adele's body. Adele showed up to the Grammys tonight wearing somebody's grandma's couch on her body. I feel like she should be covered in plastic and I bet she smells like Jean Naté and Ovaltine.
If you went to Calico Corners and sifted through the bin with all their clearance fabrics in it, I'd bet you'd find Adele's dressed in there. But I can't fully hate this look, because Adele saved it with that lip liner. When all else fails, save it with the lip liner.
Usually I spend my Sunday nights on my balcony screaming, "GIVE ME PUFFY PEEN! GIVE ME PUFFY PEEN!" at the cars driving by. But tonight I'll be screaming, "GIVE ME PUFFY PUSS! GIVE ME PUFFY PUSS!," at the TV while watching a Golden Girls marathon. No, I'll be screaming it at the Grammys, but if there's a Golden Girls marathon on tonight let me know, because I'd rather watch that shit. So the Grammys are on tonight and I'm going try to watch the live stream, because Los Angeles is one of the lands of the past and it doesn't come on until 11pm EST here. I better see a lot of rebel nip slips and even more insubordinate camel toes tonight and I hope that none of them come from Taylor Swift.
Feel free to scream, 'GIVE ME PUFFY PUSS," in this open post hosted by a freshly blown Justin Timberlake looking like a third tier weeknight lounge singer at a 2 star hotel in Palm Desert.
Or just fuck the Grammys and watch the Honey Boo Boo Christmas special instead.
I'll wait here as you lure your soul from the darkest corner of the room after it jumped out of your ass from seeing this picture of Madonna slurping on a martini glass full of the tears of Lady CaCa and the green balls of Guy Ritchie. Madge opened her Instagram account a while ago, but she officially christened it yesterday by posting this terrifying picture of her looking like Mr. Burns as an albino Bettie Page. THOSE DEMON EYES! If you're a dude, then your nutsack probably ripped itself off of your body and slammed itself against the screen, because her eyes could cut off a pair of iron testicles.
Madge didn't stop there either. She posted also posted this picture....
Oh, Madge, you old whore, you. I guess since Madge wasn't a 17-year-old slut during the whole MySpace era, she didn't get to post a picture of her chichis on the Internet. So she's making up for lost times by posting her sweaty tits on Instagram. Get it, Madge. Show Demi Moore how memaws gone wild really do it.
Not since Mrs. Slocombe has a British goddess worked a glorious cotton candy mop like this. At the BAFTAs in London tonight, hos of all ages dropped to their knees when Dame Helen Mirren twirled onto the red carpet like the magical nymph she is. Helen Mirren didn't care that the rain drops were threatening to wash away the strawberry Kool-Aid hair dye from her locks. Helen laughed at the rain, twirled, laughed at the rain, posed and then twirled again. Helen is just at the BAFTAs to get drunk on free champagne, make out with her husband in the hallway and dance in the aisles during the commercial breaks. Helen Mirren is like a human ecstasy pill. If I licked her, I'd probably get a sudden craving for orange juice and glow sticks.
“I saw it on America’s Next Top Model, so I decided to have a go. I know I won’t win tonight, but I’m going to have lots of fun and celebrate anyway.”
SPOILER ALERT: Helen Mirren didn't win tonight (Emmanuel Riva did!), but I'm sure she just twirled in the audience as Paloma Faith, Thandie Newton, Jennifer Garner, Ann Hathaway, Amy Adams, Jessica Chastain and Jennifer Lawrence watched and secretly wished they could be a 1/100th as hot as she is.
And take cover, because the ego balloon on Tyra Banks' head is going to expand and blow up after she hears that Helen Mirren is taking beauty tips from her.
These bold ass bitches right here. The whoriest whores of the Illuminati are spreading their evil in Rio de Janeiro right now and yesterday they dared to pose in front of the Christ the Redeemer statue. These minions of Satan (aka Pimp Mama Kris) have no shame. The Christ the Redeemer statue probably wished he had a pair of working eyeballs so that he could've rolled them before falling forward to take a long nap.
Kim and Kanye Kardashian's never-ending attention whore tour is making a stop in Rio for carnival and they continued to draw as much attention to themselves as possible yesterday. Kim's 120 yard long ass gets enough attention on its own, but she made sure that she got maximum attention by making herself look like a giant pile of barfed up Pepto-Bismol. Bitch looks like a bag of melting, factory-defected hot pink jelly beans.
And will somebody pass the KimYe fetus an oxygen mask (tip: just hide the oxygen mask in a giant hollow black dildo, wave the giant black dildo at Kim and her coochie will instantly swallow it up), because the poor thing is probably suffocating thanks to Kim wrapping her body in a cocoon of Spanx.
File this under: Another metaphor for The Difficult Brown's life.
Four years ago, Chris Brown smashed RiRi's face into a car door the night before the Grammys and on this year's Grammy Eve, he smashed his Porsche's face into a wall. No lady faces were hurt this time. So that means Chris Brown is growing, right?
TMZ, The Los Angeles Times, Radar and everybody else says that Chris Brown was driving his Porsche to the Debbie Allen Dance Academy for the Symphonic Love Foundation event in L.A. yesterday when he claims two paparazzos cut him off, causing him to lose control and crash into a wall in an alley. The Difficult Brown's Porsche was totaled and his spokeswhore blamed it all on the paparazzi. But the owner of one photo agency tells TMZ that the paparazzi showed up to the scene after The Difficult Brown crashed his Porsche and no photographers were chasing him. The owner said that they weren't the reason why Chris Brown crashed his Porsche. So if the paparazzi aren't to blame, who is? My guess is that Chris Brown caught his Porsche peeping at his phone, so he really showed it by smashing its face into the wall.
And as Frank Ocean quietly cackles at the fact that Chris Brown has one less car to park in his parking space, Team Breezy is probably trying to make the hashtag #theporschedeservedit happen on Twitter.
It's Chinese New Year today and the first day of the Year of the Snake, so let's pay homage to one of my favorite literary snakes and my third favorite movie snake (next to Marky Mark's rubber crotch snake in Boogie Nights and all the snakes in Snakes on a Plane) Nagaina from Rikki-Tikki-Tavi!
Snakes in movies and books are usually portrayed as ultra cunts with hearts made of pure evil whose only joy in life to destroy innocent humans. Nagaina in Rudyard Kipling's Rikki-Tikki-Tavi is written like that too, but I've always seen her as being misunderstood. I mean, a British family moves into a bungalow on land ruled by Nagaina and her man Nag. Then the family adopts an extremely annoying mongoose named Rikki-Tikki-Tavi who screws up Nagina and Nag's plan to get the humans off their turf so they can raise their cobra family in peace. Nag slithers into the human's house to get at them, but that annoying ass bitch Rikki-Tikki-Tavi attacks him before the human father kills him. Since Nagaina is a ride or die bitch until the end, she tries to avenge her man's death by killing the family. She fails and gets taken out by Rikki-Tikki-Tavi.
We're supposed to hate Nagaina, but how can I hate a trick who is merely getting back at a family for killing her man? Cobras have two peens, so that family didn't just yank one dick away from Nagaina, they yanked two away. Nagaina was just fighting for peens and you can't hate her for that.
And here's all 24 minutes of Rikki-Tikki-Tavi if you haven't seen it. Rikki-Tikki-Tavi is the worst and he ruins everything!