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In between talking shit about Kelly Clarkson and announcing his love for coochie and cock, Clive Davies writes in his new memoir that he's working on a big Broadway revival of My Fair Lady. Clive has always wanted to produce a Broadway musical and now his dream might come true, because he recently got the stage rights to My Fair Lady. Anne Hathaway is currently spending her days working with Coach Taylor Swift on her OHMYGAWDMYNIPSEXPLODEDICANBELIEVEIWON face for when she wins the Oscar on Sunday, but once she's done with that, Clive wants her to play Eliza Doolittle in his big revival. Oh, wouldn't that be barferly? According to Playbill, Clive writes this in his book:

"I always wanted to produce a Broadway show, and I've never done it. I'm hopeful we will prepare and finalize everything this year to bring My Fair Lady next year to Broadway with a stellar cast. I don't want to jinx myself, but we're in discussions with two magnificent performers and a wonderful director to do that. I was always hoping that the tradition of great musicals giving birth to songs that are part of the fabric of our culture would continue. But that has not happened. We've had hit Broadway shows, but the scores have not really been up to that golden-era tradition.

So since that has not occurred, I really want to make sure that the greatest musical of all time — which to me is My Fair Lady — can show once again why a classic can be as meaningful half a century later as it was when it originally opened. I look forward to that."

Clive says that he wants Anne to play Eliza and Colin Firth to play 'Enry 'Iggins, and he's hoping Bartlett Sher will direct.

Anne Hathaway is every high school drama student I've ever met mashed into one person. She probably does vocal warmups before she lets out an orgasm wail and if Lea Michele wasn't already the real-life Rachel Berry, I'd say Anne Hathaway is the real-life Rachel Berry. So yodeling on Broadway is her destiny! The only Anne I want to see as Eliza Doolittle is Anne Burrell, but the role of Eliza Doolittle is still perfect for Anne Hathaway. My Fair Lady is one of the ultimate makeover musicals and Anne is pretty much the queen of makeovers in movies. It's not an Anne Hathaway project unless bitch gets a makeover in it.

Here's Anne working the Justin Bieber circa 2011 hair at the Costume Designer Guild Awards last night.

I declared to myself that Julianne Moore could do no wrong when I watched her tearfully cry out, "I sucked other men's cocks," in Magnolia, but she has done wrong for the first time in the history of forever.

At the Bvlgari Celebration of Elizabeth Taylor's Jewelry Collection in Beverly Hills last night, the ginger goddess wore a $6 million diamond and emerald necklace that Richard Burton gave to La Liz during the shooting of Cleopatra in Rome. Some source tells People that when Julianne walked into the room, everybody including Drew Barrymore, Kiki Dunst, Naomi Watts and Marisa Tomei stopped to stare at the necklace. Yeah, the entire room pressed pause, because they couldn't believe that Julianne wore that necklace with daytime hair, a red dress and beige heels. Who wears that necklace with beige heels?!

Who ever styled Julianne did her ass wrong in the worst way possible. The only way to wear that necklace is to wear it with a headdress made of hypodermic needles, e-cigarettes and an FTD bouquet.

That necklace just doesn't shine on Julianne Moore the same way it shined on Elizabeth Taylor. But maybe that's because Lindsay Lohan snatched the real one and replaced it with a replica made of beer bottle glass and Barbie earrings. That's probably the real case.

Ever since Celebrity Big Brother, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt have been bright shiny A-list stars in the UK (not at all), so of course Channel 5 aired a special about them on Monday night. During the special, Twit and Twat took the cameras into the garage of his parents' beach house in Santa Barbara, CA (where their asses are living for free since they're broker than a Lohan) to show off their collection of guns including an FBI sniper rifle and a rapid engagement precision rifle. Of course, none of those names really mean anything to Heidi since she had her brain lipo'ed out to make her head skinnier. The only thing Heidi knows is that she can use that gun to shoot people! Translation: we're all fucking doomed.

As HuffPo (via IDLYITW) says, Spencer shows the people of Britain that in America we can own guns and he owns a lot to protect himself from stalkers and "crazed fans." WHAT FANS?! These bitches. If Twit and Twat have any fans, then I'm sure those fans have already been declared certifiably insane by the state and are locked up in the padded basement at Briarcliff. I'm sure they're safe.

Twit and Twat share a brain with Brittany from Glee (no offense to Brittany from Glee), because they thought the Mayan Apocalypse was going to happen so they spent all of their money last year. So that should tell you how good they are at making smart decisions.

And does anybody know if TJ Maxx sells bulletproof helmets and bulletproof onesies, because I'm going to need to wear that shit all the time now that I know that these two dick queefs own a bunch of guns.

Jessica Simpson's body doesn't look like it's storing a SeaWorld tank of amniotic fluid in it, so that means she's got a long ass way to go before she births out her surprise baby. But a source tells UsWeekly that Jessica and her bought and paid for piece Eric Johnson have already burped up the perfect name for their second kid. No, Jessica isn't naming her kid Buttered Pop Tart Johnson or Whoops Johnson. Jessica and Eric are giving their kid an even better name. The name they're writing on the birf certificate is:

ACE JOHNSON!!!!!!!!!!

The source says that Eric and Jessica are going around telling people that they're going to name their baby friend Ace Johnson. Ace Johnson sounds like the name of a frat boy at a community college who had dreams of becoming the most successful day trader in the Northern Orange County area, but ended up becoming a bar back at a sports bar before eventually getting a job as a driver on Bang Bus. Ace Johnson smells like Irish Spring, Abercrombie cologne and AXE hair paste. Ace Johnson uses his full name as his Xbox Live username, because his name is just that awesome.

When I translate Ace Johnson from bro talk to English in Google translation, it gives me the phrase "champion penis." Jessica Simpson has really outdone herself this time.

And here's Jessica with Baby Maxwell outside of a Mexican restaurant in Burbank a couple of days ago (yes, this is why a burrito shortage was issued in the Southern California area).

The only one worse off than this stunt double for Nicolas Cage is Nicolas Cage, whose tax problems forced him to agree to making a porno remake of the much beloved classic "The Wicker Man". - JohnTravoltasButtplug

Runners-up:

After reading way too many of his sister's fancy fashion magazines, Randy goes entirely too far in his quest to attain a bee-stung look. - MeowMeow

Canada's most unappreciated celeb: Justin Beeber. - Spkheller

via Izismile

THIS police report Michigan's Trenton Police Department!


I am so happy that two Mondays ago, Florida took the day off and let Michigan bring the full-fledged foolery for a change. Everything about this police report is perfect from the romance by the horse area to the 67-year-old dildo sucker admitting that he's addicted (emphasis on dic) to dildos. Dude should be on Strange Addiction and the officer who wrote this police reporter should win a Pulitzer.

Narrative: On Monday, February, 11, 2013, at approximately 10:55am, I, Sgt. Allen was dispatched to Elizabeth Park by the horse area on a subject in a silver car sucking on a dildo. The witness was in a blue car in the area.

Upon my arrival to the area, the witness, [name blacked out], flagged me down and pointed to the silver 4dr car turning from the parking area on to Elizabeth heading toward the exit. [name blacked out] said the driver drove by [blacked out] and was sucking on a dildo, it appeared to be upsetting to [name blacked out] and wanted the vehicle stopped and investigated.

I stopped the vehicle by the exit to the park. The vehicle was bearing [blacked out]/MI tag of [blacked out] with - vin of [blacked out], on a 2010 Ford Fusion, registered to [name blacked out], with OPS - [name blacked out], resides on [address blacked out].

Upon my approach to the driver's door, the driver was the only occupant and not wearing a seat belt. I also saw, a flesh colored dildo lying on the passenger seat. I questioned [name blacked out] on what he was doing and [name blacked out] said, "SUCKING ON A DILDO, I'M SORRY." [name blacked out] admitted to having a problem with sex toys.

I arrested Mr. [name blacked out] for Disorderly Conduct in a public park. Ptl. Durbin transported [name blacked out] to the Trenton jail and processed him into booking. [name blacked out]'s car was towed by Lyons. [name blacked out] was issued a ticket #T612324 for Disorderly Conduct and no seat belt.

And I'm sorry, but you should never be sorry about sucking on a dildo. More importantly, how is giving a beej to a dildo in your car on a Monday morning a crime?! Doesn't "free" in land of the "free" also include sucking a plastic peen in your car on a Monday morning?

Source: TSG via Buzzfeed

Cindy Crawford (47)
Rihanna (25)
Julia Volkova of t.A.T.u. (28)
Lauren Ambrose (35)
Jay Hernandez (35)
Brian Littrell (38)
k-os (41)
Calpernia Addams (42)
Andrew Shue (46)
Lili Taylor (46)
French Stewart (49)
Charles Barkley (50)
Patty Hearst (59)
Anthony Head (59)
Poison Ivy (60)
Ivana Trump (64)
Peter Strauss (66)
Sandy Duncan (67)
Brenda Blethyn (67)
Mike Leigh (70)
Nancy Wilson (76)
Sidney Poitier (86)
Gloria Vanderbilt (89)

The Illuminati's chosen one has been marinating in Kim Kardashian's uterus for about 4 minutes and she's already baring some of her barely existent bump in a bikini for camera clicks. It's going to be a long few months, because this is only the beginning. We're going to be begging for Jessica Simpson's naked knocked up body and Mimi's Cocker Spaniel bra by the time Kim has assaulted our eyes with every inch of her bald fetus dome. Bitch probably has a personal and full-time Photoshop team living in the attic of her mansion, because she's going to be posing naked for every magazine, newspaper, billboard, social networking service, PennySaver, animal periodical and pregnancy fetish site for the rest of her pregnancy. Brace your eyeballs now.

Pimp Mama Kris' number one kash kow opened up (although, it's kind of hard to open up more when you're already as open up as a lone bottom's b-hole at a pass-around orgy) to DuJour Magazine (temporarily renamed DoucheWhore Magazine in Kim's honor) and she talked about herself, herself, herself, herself, herself, herself, herself, herself, herself, herself and meth. I'll leave out the stuff she said about herself and only give you what she said about meth:

"I used to always say I can’t wait to get pregnant because I will just eat whatever I want, but it’s completely different. I’m like, OK, I want to eat as healthy as possible. Though lately I’ve been watching shows like I’m Pregnant and Addicted to Meth. It definitely makes me feel better if I’m wanting one sip of Diet Coke or, you know, too much sugar. I’m like, This woman is on meth.”

Kim's fetus is probably screaming, "Fuck the Diet Coke, give me meth nooooooooooooow!"

And here's Kim leaving some jewelry store while looking like four kinds of tragic. She's wearing four different outfits and each outfit is fuglier than the last. She looks like a business woman witch from the late 90s. I seriously love her stylist for making her look like a troll with no torso.

Kelly Clarkson is popping every single one of the rainbow balloons at Clive Davis' pubic (typo and it stays) coming out party today, because she's not going to sit around and let him spit lies about her in his book. Clive Davis writes in his memoir that Kelly was hard to work with and closed her ears every time he tried to give her his thoughts about her music. According to Clive, Kelly hated the song Since U Been Gone and didn't want it on her album Breakaway. When Clive told her it was going in whether she liked it or not, she broke down into a hysterical sobbing fit. Clive and Kelly's bitch fight lived on during the making of her third album My December. Clive hated it and didn't think there was one hit on it. The label released the album anyway and Clive writes that he was proven right when My December wasn't the huge hit that Breakaway was.

Clive also sharpened his claws and scratched at Kelly when he called her a "talent contest winner" and wrote that he doesn't think he'd sign her if she didn't win American Idol. Kelly isn't ever the one to keep her mouth shut and so she wrote her long ass response to Clive's stories about her on WhoSay.

So I just heard Clive Davis is releasing a memoir and spreading false information about me and my music. I refuse to be bullied and I just have to clear up his memory lapses and misinformation for myself and for my fans. It feels like a violation. Growing up is awesome because you learn you don't have to cower to anyone - even Clive Davis.

First, he says I burst into "hysterical sobbing" in his office when he demanded Since You Been Gone be on my album. Not true at all. His stories and songs are mixed up. I did want more guitars added to the original demo and Clive did not. Max, Luke and I still fought for the bigger sound and we prevailed and I couldn't be more proud of the life of that song. I resent him dampening that song in any way.

But, yes, I did cry in his office once. I cried after I played him a song I had written about my life called "Because Of You." I cried because he hated it and told me verbatim that I was a "sh*tty writer who should be grateful for the gifts that he bestows upon me." He continued on about how the song didn't rhyme and how I should just shut up and sing. This was devastating coming from a man who I, as a young girl, considered a musical hero and was so honored to work with.
But I continued to fight for the song and the label relented. And it became a worldwide hit. He didn't include that in the book.

He also goes on to say My December wasn't successful because I co-penned the album and it didn't have "pop hits". Well, first let me say, I've co-penned many of my "pop hits." Secondly, My December went platinum (It sold 20,000 less than All I Ever Wanted which followed My December.) Hardly a huge failure. Never Again, the ONLY single they released in the US from that record was a Top 10 hit. I am very proud of that and I have my fans to thank. But, again, what's most interesting about his story is what he leaves out: He doesn't mention how he stood up in front of his company at a convention and belittled me and my music and completely sabotaged the entire project. It never had a chance to reach it's full potential. My December was an album I needed to make for myself for many reasons and the fact that I was so completely disregarded and disrespected was so disheartening, there really aren't words to explain….

Anyway, I love my job. I love my music. I love my fans. I love my label and all of my professional relationships… now. And I am grateful for Clive for teaching me to know the difference.

Damn. That last line was like a cigarette burn to Clive Davis' bald head. This feud is about as interesting as the ongoing feud I'm having with my neighbor (the one who hates me and repeatedly presses the close button in the elevator when she sees me coming into the elevator room. I hear you pressing that button, bitch! I hear you!), but I still love a good cat fight. Grease them both up and let them go at it.

I love a shifty queen, which Clive totally is, but I have to side with Kelly in this feud, because he writes in his book that he tried to stop this glorious masterpiece from coming out.

What in Joan Jett Kabuki Hell did Paper Magazine do to Vanessa Hudgens? - Drunken Stepfather

Is that a compact in ASkars' pocket or does he have one of those extra long flat head peens? - Lainey Gossip 

Olivia Munn's goth chola lipstick is not a good look for her face - Hollywood Tuna 

Shiloh Jolie-Pitt is working The Rachel - Celebitchy

Well, I once got dumped the day before Valentine's Day, so these gifts ain't got shit on me - Towleroad

I think what GOOPY Paltrow meant by this is just she just really wants to eat actual carbs and fuck all day - The Superficial 

You'll get credit for your film studies class if you fap to this supercut of peens in cinema - OMG Blog

Jennifer Aniston and Justin Therouxup should make the earth's core melt by having a double wedding with Brangelina - ICYDK

The chicks from Spring Breakers all looked like early 90s South American beauty queens at the premiere in Paris - Popoholic

Sorry, Katherine Webb, Louie Anderson is the real bathing beauty of Splash, but nice try - IDLYITW

AC Slater is going to be a dad again and he better name this one Preppie - Just Jared

Not pictured: a Mama June fart and one of Jessica Simpson's saliva bubbles - The Berry 

Michelle Obama's got a red Corvette on her forehead - Jezebel

The V for Vendetta beauty on the left is giving me the faints - Crunk + Disorderly

ScarJo might having a hitchin' ring on her finger - Popsugar

I'm not sure how I feel about Fuggie Fug's unibrow glasses - Cityrag

FYI: Jason Biggs rage faps to UsWeekly while sitting on the toilet - SOW

FYI: The paps still take Katherine Heeeeeeeeiiiiigl's picture - Hollywood Rag

This should be AC Milan's new uniform - Moe Jackson 

Bethenny Frankelstein has a bodyguard for some reason - I'm Not Obsessed