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Here's Australian actress type Isabel Lucas at the opening of a Dior in Sydney tonight. Isabel has been in Home and Away, the second Transformers movie, Immortals, and now you know her as the one who's been in a truly messed up dress/apron thing. I don't even know what that foolery on her body is.

One Christmas, my family opened all of our presents and made a mountain out of all the tore up wrapping paper. Cats always have to make it all about THEM, so the cat jumped into the wrapping paper mountain and got all tangled up in it. Sitting in the middle of that wrapping paper mountain, that cat looked more pulled together than Isabel Lucas did at the opening of that Dior store.

If you chopped Isabel's hair off, put a couple of broken glow sticks in her hands and covered her in body glitter, she'd look like a drunk twink at a pride parade who just woke up after being passed out on a rainbow flag lying on the sidewalk. Actually.....since I put it that way, maybe this is the look after all.

And seriously, I hope this kind of look takes off. Think about all the money we'll save. Just go down to Home Depot, buy some random house flag, strap it to your body with black duct tape and call it good!

Guess who is putting the assy in classy by showing her love for Obama on her nalgas? And yes, I'm buying a pair of these sweats for Victoria Jackson and Clint Eastwood - Popoholic

Sony is trying to do the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo sequel on a budget when they shouldn't do it at all - Lainey Gossip

Kim Kardashian is really trying to trump Jessica Simpson's pregnancy weight record - The Superficial 

Leighton Meester or your average Los Angeles hipster who wears UGHs to be ironic? - Hollywood Tuna 

Says the dude who was in the travesty of fuckery that was Spider-Man 3 - Celebitchy

In happy news, the dog who was taken to a kill shelter because his dumb as cat shit owner thought he was gay has been saved. But for why does he need to be neutered? He's gay! - Towleroad

January Jones gets Bowie-ized, is still as boring as potato flakes - Drunken Stepfather

The Scientology bath house will play this song every time John Travolta sashays in - OMG Blog

SWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON - ICYDK

Dan Marino learns that when you cheat on your wife, it's best to do it while wearing a condom. Your checking account will thank you later - IDLYITW

To fap or not to fap to Billy Bush? In related news, I hate myself - Just Jared

It really isn't right that Lara Flynn Boyle looks like she'd taste delicious with a squirt of lemon and a dollop of tartar sauce - The Berry 

Jessica Simpson's best friend made a baby with Murray from Clueless - Popsugar

Lil Wayne's album cover is very Silence of the Lambs - Crunk + Disorderly

But can Adam Levine suck his own peen is what I really want to know - Boy Culture

Staying dumb: Twit & Twat are - Videogum

Try not to clutch your anal beads out of shock, but racist foolery exists in porn - Jezebel

Getting a homemade tattoo is the closet Lindsay Lohan will get to prison - Cityrag

The sweats.... The Coors Light truck... I wish this picture of Brit Brit came in a velvet version, because I'd love to hang it over my toilet - I'm Not Obsessed

At a press conference for the Super Bowl in New Orleans today, Beyonce strolled out on stage and told everybody to stand, which is kind of weird. Why weren't they already standing? It's Beyonce! She's more powerful and important than the President and the Pope combined. Even paraplegics find a way to stand for Beyonce. Once everybody stood (Side note: the people who didn't stand were immediately dragged away to the basement and will never be heard from again), Beyonce sang The National Anthem to prove to hos that she can sing live. Beyonce then dropped the mic and served everybody pâté made from her placenta to prove to everyone that she was pregnant with Blue Ivy Carter.

Once Beyonce was done hollerin, she started taking questions from reporters and of course the first question was about the lip-synching scandal. Beyonce admitted that she sang to a backing track, but she did it for her country!

"I am a perfectionist and one thing about me is I practice until my feet bleed. I did not have time to rehearse with the orchestra. It was a live television show and a very, very important emotional show for me. One of my proudest moments. Due to the weather, due to the delay, due to no proper sound check, I did not feel comfortable taking the risk. It was about the president and the inauguration. I wanted to make my country proud, so I decided to sing along with my pre-recorded track, which is very common in the music industry. And I’m very proud of my performance."

Now that we've gotten that out of the way, can somebody please send me the link for the live stream of the press conference for the Puppy Bowl Kitty Halftime Show, because I really need to hear what those pussies have to say.

via THR

Chelsea Welch of St. Louis, Missouri is out of a job today after Applebee's pink-slipped her and gave her a one way ticket to the unemployment office for going on Reddit and posting a note on a credit card receipt from a pastor who left a server a not-so-Christian message instead of a tip. Pastor Alois Bell of The Truth of the World Ministries church crossed out the automatic 18% tip for parties of 8 or more and wrote: "I Give God 10% Why Do You Get 18." Somewhere God is wondering where his 10% is, because his PayPal account is empty and he knows those Sunday morning donuts and cups of coffee weren't donated from Dunkin' Donut and he knows they didn't pay for themselves.

Chelsea tells The Consumerist that she wasn't even the one who served Pastor Bell at Applebee's on January 25th. The server showed Chelsea the receipt and she thought it was funny so she took a picture of it and posted it on Reddit for laughs. The server claims that Pastor Bell and her party of 20 didn't have a problem with the service and didn't complain once during the entire meal. But when it came time to get the check, Pastor Bell tried to work around the whole "18% tip for parties of 8 or more" rule by asking for separate checks even though she's the one who was going to pay each check. It's a shady, shady move, but my abuelita approves! Pastor Bell's shady move didn't work and an 18% gratuity was still added to each check. The server said the computer automatically did it.

When Pastor Bell and her party paid up and left, the server found the bitchy note waiting for them. After the served showed it to Chelsea, she posted it on Reddit with Pastor Bell's signature in full view. Chelsea said that she didn't block out the pastor's signature, because she didn't think anybody would be able to make it out. The receipt went viral in a quick minute and ended up on Yahoo!. That's when Pastor Bell found out about it, called Applebee's and demanded that not only Chelsea get fired, but she also asked for the heads of every single person who works at that location. Pastor Bell wanted all of them fired.

Applebee's didn't clean house for Pastor Bell, but they did tell Chelsea to get the fuck out, because they say she violated policy by sharing a customer's private information. Chelsea says that she looked in the policy book and as far as she knows, she did nothing wrong. After a bunch of people jumped on Applebee's Facebook page and demanded that Chelsea get her job back, they said this:

"Our Guests’ personal information – including their meal check – is private, and neither Applebee’s nor its franchisees have a right to share this information publicly. We value our Guests’ trust above all else. Our franchisee has apologized to the Guest and has taken disciplinary action with the Team Member for violating their Guest’s right to privacy. This individual is no longer employed by the franchisee."

Pastor Bell wah-wah-wah-ed to The Smoking Gun and said that it was a "lapse in judgement" and this whole mess has "brought embarrassment to my church and ministry.” Pastor Bell says that she left a $6 cash tip and that Applebee's charged the 18% to her credit card anyway. Chelsea isn't moved:

“Whether or not she left a tip, the note was still offensive. It wasn’t my table, it wasn’t my tip. I’m not sure who ended up with what money at the end of the night. But you can’t really argue with what’s plainly written, and what was written was insulting. Insulted or not, I’ve lost my job over this mess, and that’s what I’m concerned with now. The six dollars one way or another wouldn’t really affect that situation.”

WWJCS: What would Jesus Christ say? Or What would Joan Collins say, depending on what your religion is.

Posting a customer's receipt on Reddit maybe isn't the smartest thing to do, but getting fired over it? Isn't waiting on non-tippers at Applebee's punishment enough? And you know, this makes me feel not so bad about the time my abuelita dragged me to church and when the donation basket came around, I put in $5 and took four ones. No, I didn't do that. Okay yes, I did.

My wet dream of fighting David Beckham for the last bunch of bananas at a Trader Joe's in Glendale will never come true, because he has left Los Angeles FOREVER and moved back to London with Posh, Harper the 7th and the Cruz boys. Becks got his ass a job closer to home and announced today in France that he'll be ripping off his jersey for the fans of Paris Saint-German starting now. People says that dozens of teams from around the world promised to throw wads of money at him if he graced their fields with his nipples and he went with PSG. Becks' 5-month contract with PSG ends on June 30th. Becks said this in a press conference this morning:

"I consider myself to be part of this club in the future – in helping this club to grow ... in helping the French league to grow and also helping this club to be one of the biggest powerhouses in football."

If you live in Paris and your dream is to fight Posh for the last macaroon at Franprix, then I need to tell you that's a dumb dream, because Posh doesn't go into grocery stores and she sure as hell doesn't fight over carbs. But anyway, Posh is staying in London with the kids and Becks will commute back and forth. Becks also said that he will donate his entire salary to a children's charity in Paris. The French media says that his contract is worth over $5 million.

What's $5 million to Posh and Becks? If Posh shit, her shits would be worth more than $5 million. Besides, it's smart to give it all to charity. Because once the French super tax hit his salary, he'd be left with two stale pieces of baguette and a couple of coins. Gérard Depardieu knows what I'm talking about.

*Please put your michelleobamaeyeroll.gif on standby*

Kunty Karl hates Michelle Obama's bangs.

*AND LAUNCH*

Kunty Karl's opinion on beauty and style is the only opinion on beauty and style I care about, because a soul sucker with hair like batting from JoAnn's Fabrics KNOWS beauty and style. The French TV show Le Petit Journal had the Forbidden Forest's most beautiful ghoul on to talk about Paris Fashion Week and while he was there they asked him for his thoughts on Michelle Obama's new bangs. Karl is not impressed and said that Michelle Obama now has news anchor hair. via Vanity Fair:

“I don’t understand the change of hair . . . Frankly, the fringe was a bad idea. It’s not good.” He also noted that Mrs. Obama now resembles “une speakerine de LCI,” or an anchor on the French news network LCI. Although Lagerfeld has made unpopular statements about beloved pop-culture figures in the past, the Michelle Obama–bang harangue is especially surprising considering that the designer once identified himself as “a big fan of Mrs. Obama.” Particularly, he specified, a fan of her face. “I think, [it] is magical,” he told Metro World News last February. “[Barack Obama] would not be there without her.” Remarkably, the statement was not the first time Lagerfeld marveled at the First Lady’s visage. In 2011, he told USA Today, “I like her face, the cleverness of her face. Her face is stronger than the clothes.”

QUICK! Everybody, stuff your eatin' hole with mounds of super-processed, corny syrup-filled, fat-summoning deliciousness while Michelle Obama isn't looking. She can't shove raw broccoli pieces down our throats, because she's too busy taking a Flowbee to the bangs that Kunty Karl hates.

Last year, platinum recording artist Blue Ivy Carter released a song (ft. Jay-Z) and in it Jay-Z rapped about how Beyonce had a miscarriage before getting pregnant with B.I.C. Beyonce and Jay-Z never talked or rapped about it again. But in the HBO documentary about Beyonce, starring Beyonce, directed by Beyonce, produced by Beyonce, edited by Beyonce, catered by Beyonce, costumed by Beyonce, production designed by Beyonce, choreographed by Beyonce and gaffed by Solange (Beyonce had to give Basement Baby something to do!), Beyonce gets deep and talks about the song she wrote after having a miscarriage. E! News says that in the beyoncementary that airs next month, she says:

"About two years ago, I was pregnant for the first time. And I heard the heartbeat, which was the most beautiful music I ever heard in my life. I picked out names. I envisioned what my child would look like...I was feeling very maternal.

I flew back to New York to get my checkup—and no heartbeat. Literally the week before I went to the doctor, everything was fine, but there was no heartbeat. I went into the studio and wrote the saddest song I've ever written in my life. And it was actually the first song I wrote for my album. And it was the best form of therapy for me, because it was the saddest thing I've ever been through."

Beyonce never says the name of the song she wrote and she doesn't say what album it's on or if it even made the album. And if you need to hug your heart with a puppy after reading that, here you go.

And on a different note, Beyonce's beyoncementary was put together using the thousands of hours of footage her personal visual director has shot of her over the years and stored in her personal Beyonce library. Beyonce doesn't stop there either. Beyonce knows of every Beyonce-related moment that has happened on this planet. So look up, you see that spider on your ceiling. That's not a spider. It's a camera recording you reading about Beyonce and a ceiling spider camera recorded me writing about Beyonce. We're not living in a nanny state. We're living in a Beyonce state!

Here's a few pictures from Beyonce's Instagram of her rehearsing for the Super Smoke A Bowl.

On one of the episodes of The Real Plastic Brains of Beverly Hills, Brandi Glanville became the #1 enemy of the Maloofs when she spilled a secret about their lives. Adrienne Maloof threatened Brandi with a lawsuit and also threatened Bravo with a lawsuit, so the "scandalous secret" was bleeped from the episode. My guess was that Brandi told everyone that Adrienne is the Beast from Beauty and the Beast and that dum-dum Belle never kissed him in time to break the curse, so he made the best out of his look by getting a whole lot of plastic surgery to become the feline beauty he is today. But I was wrong.

Shortly after that episode air, there was a rumor that Brandi told the other ghouls that Adrienne used a surrogate to have her kids, because she didn't want to mess up her body. UsWeekly repeated that rumor last week. Adrienne wasn't ready to talk about it, but then Life & Style waved a check at her and suddenly she was ready! Adrienne says that her and her now estranged husband Paul did use a surrogate to have their twin boys, but she didn't use one because she didn't want to get fat. They used a surrogate because she had a lot of complications when she was pregnant with her fist kid. Adrienne was waiting until her twins were older to tell them that they didn't bake in her uterus, but Brandi took that away from her!!!!!!!!!

“I would think Brandi, being a single mother, would have a heart and understand my feelings, where I’m coming from. Brandi took away something so precious from our family. Brandi did destroy our family. Right now I’m really hurt and upset, especially because I’ve stuck up for Brandi as a mother in the past.”

When Life & Style asked Brandi for a response, she just shrugged and said that everybody knew about it, but Adrienne always lied and said that she's the one who carried her twins.

So the huge slanderous scandal is that Adrienne used a surrogate? The hell kind of scandal is that? Even if Adrienne used a surrogate because she didn't want to get fat, who cares? It's not a big deal and it's not bleep-worthy. Besides, I really thought most rich ass women in Beverly Hills used surrogates. You know, I thought they all had a room in their 50,000 square foot mansions that housed a surrogate carrying their baby, a Petri growing their next face and a lab rat with their new labia on its back.

Life & Style said yesterday that Sharon Stone is now single and is going to put on her best boy catchin' outfit, strut to the nearest high school with Demi Moore and get themselves some seniors. The source said that 54-year-old Sharon is into politics and activism and her 30-year-old Argentinean model boyfriend Martin Mica isn't into that stuff, so she took the saddle off of his back and stopped riding him. But yesterday Sharon Stone let everyone know that she's still riding on Martin Mica by putting on a show for the paps on the ho stroll.

This is how you answer a rumor. You don't have your publicist push the "generic answer to breakup rumor" button on the statement machine. You put on your silver disco shoes and tell your piece to grab his knapsack, because you're going to show all those bitches the truth as you walk him to school in Beverly Hills.

I was reading about this at another site and one of the commenters wondered if Sharon Stone knows that he's just using her for money. Excuse you? Nobody uses Sharon Stone. If anything, he's the one paying for everything, because it is an honor to be seen with the goddess from Diabolique, Basic Instinct 2, Intersection (confession: I am the one person who saw Intersection and I saw it twice in the theaters. Not even at a discount theater either. What is wrong with me?), Casino, Total Recall,  Gloria, Sliver, Catwoman, The Muse, King Solomon's Mines and...need I go on? (Please say "no," because I'm running out of movies to name and I really don't want to have to type the words "Alpha Dog.")

Jane's hidden Nanny-cam shows what Tarzan and Cheetah were really up to when she was away from the hut. - Whaaaaat

Runners-up:

Ed misunderstood the word, "banana hammock" - DiamondDogs

There once was a man from Montana

Who worked a donkey show in Havana

He said with a shrug

As he removed his butt plug

Who wants a big brown banana? - citizenstrange

via Evil Milk