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Oh football, you disappoint us all. There you were - perfectly poised to pop Jennifer Lopez right in her smug face, something most of us can only dream of, and you just let her stop you?? Just like that?? That's it football, we are FINISHED forever professionally. You disgust me. I hope someone kicked you hard for that.

So JLo and her son Casper Smart were at something called the Gasolina Celebrity Football Match in Puerto Rico and as much as it pains me to admit it, Jennifer is showing some skill instead of looking like a complete fool. Casper on the other hand can't help it.

The pictures in the gallery capture truly beautiful moments, such as apocalyptic fart, slow Kojak, and AW MOM. I can't believe these two are still together. Take notes Demi, the way to keep the way younger man is to make sure he's a broke ass bitch that can never, ever leave your AmEx black card you. I would suggest that unlike Jennifer though, you find one worth keeping first.

That's also the face she makes when her Ex-Lax Smoothie kicks in. Can someone get LeAnn Rimes a chair, bench, curb, step, stoop, ottoman, horse statue, or patch of grass to sit down upon? This desperate bitch needs to have a seat! After scaring the stuffing out of that child that lost X-Factor (and then blaming her for it), drunk-ass laxative lady LeAnn spoke to Extra (again) about how her new ditty reluctantly references her and gigolo husband Eddie Cibrian having hurt each other in the past. "Borrowed" is about these dickheads falling in love on the set of a Lifetime movie and fucking over their spouses. A classic and dignified love story for the ages. Actually, Brandi Glanville (and LeAnn's checking account) are the only ones who got fucked over. Falcor's ex Dean Sheremet slipped into some buttless briefs and twerked it for the boys in celebration at the nearest gay bar. Shaved beard AND alimony? Werq!

US:

"I actually was scared to put him in the song, because it does talk about how we both hurt each other," she explained. "There was a moment where we did have some hurt between the two of us that we had to accept and get over and move forward."

What could the hurt between them have been? Twitter finger fatigue? STDs colliding? LeAnn got her first post-Eddie AMEX bill? Eddie confessing his revulsion over how much pooping time she puts in?

As for that song title. "Borrowed" implies that you're going to be giving it back. Considering the current situation, I wouldn't lend this bitch any books you want to see again.

We all know french bitches are the biggest sluts, and this one is truly the grandest of them all! Tied with Suriname as the South American country no one gives a shit about, French Guiana (sometimes spelled Guyane, but that looks like an intestinal disease) is an overseas territory of France, has a capital named after a pepper (Cayenne) and apparently also has a fucking space center where they launch rockets from. In 6th grade, my whole class got randomly assigned a different South American country to do a report on, and the bitch that got French Guiana had no idea what to do for his presentation. So he just put on a poncho, held some bananas and pretended not to speak any English, claiming that was an authentic French Guianese experience.

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Carla Bruni-Sarkozy (45)
Eddie Vedder (48)
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Susan Lucci (66)
Harry Shearer (69)
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Emperor Akihito of Japan (79)

Paul McCartney always keeps bodyguards armed with bags of termites near him just in case Heather Mills shows up to attack his ass and since he was a guest at Ronnie Wood's wedding yesterday, she wasn't there to congratulate the bride on a gold digging job well done. Ronnie's bride will get her gold digger certificate of excellence from Heather Mills in the mail.

65-year-old Ronnie Wood became somebody's husband for the third time yesterday when he married his 34-year-old theater producer girlfriend Sally Humphreys at the Dorchester Hotel in London. Ronnie's best man was Rod Stewart, who looked like he was trying hard to hold the barfs in while walking through a wind tunnel, and Paul McCartney was also there. Ronnie's bandmates Mick Jagger and Keith Richards weren't there, because I'm sure they went to one of his other weddings and when you've been to one Ronnie Wood wedding, you've been to them all. Besides, even though some of them are sober (I think), when they get together in the same room, scared bitches start stocking up on booze thinking a shortage is coming.

When Ronnie left his reception last night, he said this to The Sun's reporter:

"I'm feeling great. It was excellent, so great. Brilliant.”

I know, you just had to read those words. They are really important.

You're probably thinking that Ronnie's latest marriage is going to last about as long as a sex fart, but I have a feeling it's going to last a little bit longer than that. Sally sort of looks Snow White-ish and Ronnie looks like a Magic Troll doll who chopped off all his hair, moved to the enchanted forest and became the leader of the woodland creatures. Snow White loves creatures of the enchanted forest, so they're perfect for each other!

Professional fuckery maker and the embarrassment of the Keeblers elves came out of retirement the other night to tell jokes at a show in Los Angeles and he used his time on stage to say he knows of a black movie star whose b-hole tingles for the peen. As Will Smith shook with nervousness right out of his panties, Katt Williams said that Jamie Foxx is a gay. Some people acted all shocked, but mostly everybody else let a "meh," because the rumor that Jamie Foxx likes to squeeze peens with his luscious pecs has been around since the beginning of time. But Katt Williams went even farther by naming names.

HuffPo posted a video of Katt saying that Jamie is wrapping his Foxx hole around the dick belonging to singer Marcus Anthony who's on his label. After Katt said that Jamie Foxx loves peen, he went on a rant about how he turned down a role in Django Unchained, because that shit is racist.

“Who’s gay? Jamie Foxx. I can even tell you the name of the dude he fucked. His name is Marcus Anthony; he’s the only dude signed to Jamie Foxx’s label. Check it out and then Twitter the dude and ask him to see if he'll say yes. The dude told me backstage at a show and he told me I could bring him onstage and air it out. I said, 'No, nigga, let me wait until I get to L.A.'

Fuck Jamie Foxx and the 'Django Unchained' check he cashed. They offered me the script and I said, 'Any nigga that do this deserves to die. And the next thing I heard, Jamie Foxx was in makeup. I went to the set myself and I couldn't believe it. I got a copy of the script. They gave me a copy of the script written in Spielberg's hands. The words 'fuck you, nigger' appear one hundred and seventy six times in the script."

And here's the video if your eyes need that today:

The two most shocking parts of that video is that: a) Katt Williams actually showed up for a show and; b) Katt Williams had a mic in his hand and managed not to beat the brains out of his one of fans.

Here's the trailer for the movie where Lindsay Lohan refused to put her mouth on Charlie Sheen's mouth, because if their saliva mixed together, a super-resistant monster STD strain would be born and bitch is already in enough trouble with the CDC. In LiLo's last movie, she pretty much made fun of Elizabeth Taylor by playing her and in Scary Movie 5 she makes fun of herself. While parodying Paranormal Activity, LiLo and Charlie try to make a sex tape, but can't, because her sobriety monitor, tracking anklet and dog shock collar are in the way. TMZ says that (SPOILER ALERT if you care) LiLo ends up running Charlie Sheen over with her car and blames it on somebody else. Only LiLo can collect a check for making fun of how she constantly butt fucks the California Justice System without lube.

And it was a nice touch putting a half-melted, bronzer-covered Scream mask over LiLo's face for all her scenes.

BeeBee, the hyper-filled fluff ball who was born without any shoulder blades, but isn't letting that stop her from running around the world like her back paws are on fire (Note to Alicia Keys: Please release a song called "This Chihuahua's On Fire." Thank you.) and she's got speed running through her veins.

Since BeeBee's got no shoulders, she needs extra care and attention, so her owner Denise, who works at a nursing home, asked her boss if she could bring her in every day. Only an evil monster with the heart of a Kardashian would say no to a long-haired chi-hooh-ah-hooh-ah with no shoulder blades and Denise's boss isn't one of those, so BeeBee was allowed to come to the nursing home every day. BeeBee instantly became the nursing home mascot and made everyone barf out a flood of squeeees.

One day, someone who works with Denise at the nursing home said that her son is a student at Bollman Tech in Thornton, CO and could possibly help BeeBee. The son and some of his fellow students helped BeeBee by making her a wheelchair complete with a pink flag and now her ass is even faster than before. Bitches better jump out of BeeBee's path or she will run over them over.

No, BeeBee can't do the Whitney Houston shoulder bounce, but she won't care about that when she wins the gold medal in chihuahua wheelchair racing at the 2016 Olympics!

via Jezebel

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Being the (*prepare for eye roll*) caring gentleman that Ashton Kutcher is (*aaaaaaaand roll*), he waited an entire year for Demi Moore to file for divorce, because something about dignity and he felt she should do the honors. But because Demi has been too busy eating and spitting out 20-something dick to even think about filing divorce papers, Ashton Kutcher did it himself in Los Angeles today. Merry Christmas, Demi! Or if she's still wearing the red string, Happy Kabbalakuh, Demi!

People says that Ashton blamed their divorce on "irreconcilable differences" and he doesn't want any spousal support and he doesn't want Demi to get any either. TMZ says that Ashton wants to wait to figure out how they should split up their property.

So Ashton will most likely spend Christmas with his head buried in Mila Kunis' crotch.... And since Demi is boy toy-free and the Tater Sisters hate her right now, she's going to spend Christmas Eve in the inside of a dive bar in the San Fernando Valley where she'll drunkenly dance in the corner by herself to a Jimmy Buffett song while winking at the 22-year-old barback. It's going to be Demi's best Christmas ever!