Earlier this year, "random" was redefined when pictures came out of Robin Wright lovingly popping a zit on Ben Foster's forehead (that's what she was doing, right?) in the middle of a restaurant in Australia. And here they are 10 months later, walking arm-in-arm in a parking lot after shopping at Fred Segal in Santa Monica, CA yesterday. So basically, this Christmas, Robin Wright gets to sit and spin on Ben Foster and as for Sean Penn....
In a South American hotel room, a high-priced pussy peddler is trying to contain her eye roll while a sweaty and naked Sean Penn lies in the fetal position in her arms and snorts out coke boogers while bawling about how nobody has ever truly loved him before. Grease and scalp cheese gets between her fingers as she strokes his oily mop and tries to shut his annoying ass up by letting out a quiet "shhhhh" every now and again. Earlier in the night when Sean munched her butt in between shouting, "Tell your comrade you love it, Hugo. Tell your comrade!", she thought that would be the worst part of their date, but she was wrong. Bitch is not getting paid enough to listen to Sean Penn's whining. Her Christmas is totally ruined.
Look who's putting the "ho" in ho ho ho and the "mess" in Christmas! Yes, you can all thank me later for burning this exquisite and breathtaking image into your memory banks, and I know you won't hate me more when I point out that from the looks of Courtney Stodden's ass, Santa jizzes Dollar Store spray snow. I know we were all wondering, and you're welcome.
As a special holiday gift for us all, Courtneys mom wraps up some words of wisdom in a garish hot pink box with an oversized silver bow (she can't afford gold), and she doesn't sound at all like a delusional mess who's been downing Adderall and eggnog cocktails with her daughter (yes, she does). In an article on Huffington post, Courtney's mom, who does NOT have it going on, explains to us that her daughter is a timeless beauty, a victim of gorgeousness, and that she's HERE TO STAY. That sound you hear is not a hurricane, it's the collective exhale from every living creature on the planet in the knowledge that we can look forward to Slutty Santa, Easy Easter Bunny, Pussy Popping Patriot and Temptress Turkey for years to come. Yaaaaay.
“Courtney is the new Anna Nicole Smith, without the drugs. Everyone wants to be like Marilyn Monroe, but with Courtney the beauty comes from within -- like Pam Anderson and Farrah Fawcett.”
Me: Marilyn Monroe? Farrah Fawcett?? Jenna Jameson, MAYBE.
“It won't be 15 minutes of fame because it's an evergreen story. Courtney is so intriguing; she’s almost an addiction for people. Her light shines. When she walks into an event, it's incredible, as her mom and manager, to watch the reaction from people. There are so many horrible things we read, but when people meet her in person is so rewarding."
Me: It's kind of hard to ignore a barely legal bitch with her bits hanging out and her toes hanging over the end of her 12-inch lucite heels.
“She’s a victim of her own beauty. We need to understand all kinds of discrimination. It’s very sad.”
There is so much wrong with that last part, and I can't even see right now to comment because my eyes are rolling like a slot machine.
Somewhere there's a family that's extra sad while eating fried chicken and watermelon on patch of grass, because Mimi stole their picnic blanket and wore it in Aspen on Saturday night. Mimi wore this mess on the streets of Aspen, CO and I'm really surprised that nobody laid her ass on the ground and ate potato salad and hot dogs on her dress. I'm also surprised that a champion WWE wrestler didn't charge her and tackle her ass to the ground, thinking that she stole their belt. Yes, I'm sure Mimi's Aspen ski mansion has several mirrors, but in her defense they all broke when they peeked at this outfit, so she wasn't able to see what she looked like.
And you know, I can't fully hate on that messy "Cowardly Lion used way too much Dep gel" hair. It's very Lady and the Tramp meets chola fresh out of the pool. It takes a lot of gel and a lot of scrunching to get messy hair like that.
In "Lindsay Lohan Needs To Switch From Coke To The Good Shit So She Can Calm The Hell Down" news, Lindsay Lohan is farting all over the producers of Scary Movie 5 for lying and tricking her ass. Yes, LiLo tricks hos on a daily basis (cut to the IRS cursing her name after finding out that the $200,000 she sent them to pay for her overdue tax bill is actually counterfeit money printed at Kinko's) and everything that leaps off of her tongue is a certified lie, but if anybody tricks or lies to her there will be hell to pay. And yes by "hell to pay," I mean White Oprah is going to break into their house and swallow their medicine cabinet whole after selling their children to a "modeling agency" in Korea.
TMZ says that LiLo is mad at the producers, because in the script, she lets out a horrified scream at a TV showing a scene from Herbie: Fully Loaded. But in the trailer that came out on Friday, LiLo screams at a TV showing her sashaying into the court room after her probation is revoked. LiLo is all mad, because the producers never cleared that joke with her first and she thinks they're just getting back at her ass, because she trashed her trailer and broke the toilet by caca-ing out the coke balloons she forgot she shoved up her butt during a quickie trip to Mexico a few months before.
So basically, LiLo was about as pleasant as a urethra pimple and the producers got back at her by making a probation joke. You know, I wasn't planning on seeing Scary Movie 5, but now I am, because it's my way of slow clapping for the producers who screwed with her. If the California Justice System followed Scary Movie 5's lead and screwed with LiLo by throwing her in a jail cell full of "gypsies," 2013 would be the best year ever!
And if they wanted to make that shit extra scary, they'd cut every scene from the movie and just show LiLo screaming at a TV playing the GIF of LiLo screaming. Your nightmares will never be the same again.
Justin Bieber rolls out of his crib in the morning and takes a bong hit. He decides which thuglife dropcrotch leggings to wear that day while receiving a mouth hug from his waterpipe. He puff, puff passes right before he goes on stage to pass out rodents to screaming tweens who will surely rip the poor thing to shreds just to have something he touched. (Real talk - you know there's a Belieber living in a Atlanta suburb right now with a decapitated hamster head glue-gunned to the front of her dream journal. Poor lil' guy.) What I'm trying to say is that Justin Bieber is sssttttooonnnnneeeed. Do you blame him? He's under pressure! He's back with Selena Gomez and his screamy fangirl milita ain't happy 'bout that.
Radar Online posted some pics of mini-Hilary Swank and
Mary Kay Letourneau Selena at a Salt Lake City airport being those annoying make-out teens you see in the food court at the mall with the lap-sitting and the touching of noses, and the Aeropostale bags. Take it to mom's basement, geeks! Anyway, shit got real in the Belieber section of Twitter this past weekend when those crazed infants got wind of this.
A delightful sampling:
@strongforjieber wrote: "Go back to your own friends and family. let justin breath and get your tongue from down his throat @selenagomez."
@CatchThatBieber posted: 'Oh wow. that's obviously how he thanks her for humiliating him in public. do you have a bit of dignity left?"
"Your relationship is faker than joan rivers face @justinbieber @selenagomez"
Why they gotta bring Joan Rivers' beautiful visage into this? Dicks. The New York Daily News (via Jezebel) sez that Justin will probably have nary a fuck to give about this seeing as he's a giant douche.
“Justin doesn’t seem to care and does whatever he wants,” a source tell Confidenti@l. One insider says Bieber’s team has had several talks with him, but “he doesn’t listen to anyone.”
Another Bieber insider tells us, “He smokes weed all day, from the time he gets up, and orders everybody around. He’s surrounded by hangers-on who say ‘yes’ to anything he wants. There’s no supervision.”
You mean a celebrity toddler who wears diapers made out of $100 dollar bills and has 30 million followers on Twitter has become an arrogant asshole? Heavens! Water has become fire and I've decided to eat pussy. What a world, what a world.
David Svoboda, the "I Like The Tin Man" Kid from 1983's A Christmas Story!
Tomorrow is Jesus' birthday, so who better to usher it in then the true star of A Christmas Story? Looking like Aviator Snoopy mated with the Joker, this kid stole the show. Merry Christmas!
Fun Fact: The "I Like The Tin Man" kid grew up and went on to write a short film called The Last Blow Job.
Ryan Seacrest (38)
Robert Schwartzman (30)
Michael Raymond-James (35)
Stephenie Meyer (39)
Ricky Martin (41)
Amaury Nolasco (42)
Mark Valley (48)
Mary Ramsey of 10,000 Maniacs (49)
Kate Spade (50)
Lee Daniels (53)
Anil Kapoor (53)
Mary Higgins Clark (85)
Much like the newspaper boy from Better Off Dead, Demi wants her $2.00. FOUR WEEKS, TWENTY PAPERS, THAT'S TWO DOLLARS, PLUS TIP. Even though her ass is by far richer and more plasticized than Ashton Kutcher, the hold up in
Dummy Demi Moore filing for divorce according to TMZ is her need for some of Ashton's cash. Okay, in our Ramen Noodle, store brand bread and Pabst Blue Ribbon worlds, Ashton is fabulously wealthy (yes, I just typed Ashton and fabulous in the same sentence, and yes, you should slap the shit out of me for that) but when you look at Demi's net worth, you see that #getmoneybitch doesn't really apply here. It's like Donald Trump rolling the valet for his $75 in tips for the day. Bitter much?
Sources say that they can't agree on the settlement, and she wants a fat one (don't we all?) like the one she got when she divorced Bruce Willis. Even though she is loaded in more ways than one, she's not just going to cut her losses and walk away like that!! In Ashton's dreams. While he has Mila Kunis on the one side screaming "Get rid of that funky chicken dancing bitch or no more pussy popping for YOU!" he has Demi on the other side screaming...well, some unintelligible shit because she's wasted on whippits and Red Bull. But the point of her screams is supposed to be DIDN'T ASK FOR A DIME....TWO! DOLLARS!!
It will be another six months until the divorce can be finalized, so we should be plenty sick of laughing at Demi's toddler rompers and dance NOs that make Lenny Kravitz and the rest of us cringe by then. GIRL, or more to the point, WOMAN who hasn't seen "girl" since the late 80's, please. Collect the shards of your dignity, quit acting like a spoiled little bitch, and find someone at least a little handsome to try to make Ashton jealous. NO. Seriously, I'm tired of being secondarily embarrassed for you Demi. Just act like a normal jaded slut, slash his tires, and MOVE. THE. FUCK. ON.
"This is surprising!" said not one bitch after reading the news that Marc Anthony's Jewish twin and the Skeletor of NYC Bethenny Frankel has separated from her husband Jason Hoppy after two years of marriage. If you want to ruin your day, just imagine Jill Zarin fapping to this news while cackling maniacally.
Bethenny released a long statement of words to every damn media outlet in the universe saying that since her reality shit show needs a new plot and she's already sucked every last ounce of life out of Whatshisname, she's quitting his ass and throwing him in the moat around Castle Grayskull.
"It brings me great sadness to say that Jason and I are separating. This was an extremely difficult decision that as a woman and a mother, I have to accept as the best choice for our family. We have love and respect for one another and will continue to amicably co-parent our daughter who is and will always remain our first priority. This is an immensely painful and heartbreaking time for us."
She went on to say, "And you can watch my marriage completely crumble into worm food on the season premiere of my new show BETHENNY GETTING DIVORCED!"
What's really surprising is that they lasted this long. On the show (yes, I watched mess), it seemed like Bethenny's constant whining and nagging killed Jason's last nerve, so I figured that it was only a matter of time before he drenched himself in pinot grigio before feeding himself to Ramona Singer.
And here's Jason and Bethenny in Miami last year. As for Jason's ass, yes, I would. And now that I know he's probably going to get a huge chunk of Skinnygirl money, I totally would.
Shia LaBeouf quit humping Karolyn Pho a quick minute ago and he's already smearing his unpasteurized peen fromage all over the body of his new girlfriend, 19-year-old Mia Goth. Shia met Mia while shooting Lars Von Trier's art porn Nymphomaniac, and I guess she just couldn't get enough of the five layer dip under his foreskin, because they're dating for real now. Shia and Mia (possible couple names: MiShi, ShiMi, Shith, Shit Mi, Filthy Bums, etc....) spread their hobo love in L.A. yesterday. They look like a broke down, low-budget version of Early and Adele from Kalifornia. Shia looks like a serial killer vagrant who lives in a tent in the woods and hangs out in front of Rite-Aid during the day, and she looks like the 15-year-old he kidnapped from her family's trailer.
But more importantly, for where are homegirl's brows? Did they jump off of her face when she made out with Shia for the first time? Did Shia's crotch crustaceans crawl up to her face and eat them? If Shia cared about Mia at all, he'd give her some brows. Dude has Demi Moore's vintage muff on his face so he has more than enough hair to give Mia for some eyebrows. If you truly care about a trick, don't let her go outside with no brows.