Somewhere a single white tear has trickled down White Oprah's orange-glazed cheek, because it seems like it was just yesterday when she was pushing a case of beer in a stroller while a little Lindsay Lohan crawled on the pavement behind her. Then White Oprah wiped up that tear with her finger and licked it up, because that shit is definitely 100 proof.
Here's the knocked up Chilean Ewok, Snooki, pushing a stroller full of Pepsi bottles and a Coors Light box in Seaside Heights, NJ yesterday afternoon. In a few months after Snooki pops out CPS' new poster child and pushes him down the street, the paparazzi will take the exact same picture again, because she's full of so much yeast that she'll definitely give birth to a case of beer.
R. Kelly writes in his memoirs Soulacoaster: The Diary of Me that the reason why his marriage of 12 years slipped down the drain of a urinal wasn't because he suddenly realized that he's a dried dingle of dick cheese and his wife is destined for better things like Vh1's Hollywood Exes. R. Kelly writes (via TMZ) that the movie The Notebook put him through serious changes and made him realize that his own marriage could never go until the end of time like the characters in a fucking movie. This bitch:
"As the film credits started to roll, I couldn't move. I burst into tears. People walking past me patted me on the back, trying to console me. 'The Notebook' was beautiful, and I was crying because its hero and heroine had died together.
But I was also crying because I remembered a Valentine's Day -- when a helicopter dropped a rainfall of roses -- that had come and gone ... My marriage had died. And there was nothing I could do to bring it back."
Falling roses on Valentine's Day? Now that's a real reason to divorce a bitch. Nothing is romantic about getting slapped in the face with a rose stem after you look up to yell at that loud ass helicopter.
R. Kelly just needs to stop. Seeing the movie didn't ruin his marriage. What really happened is that after he strolled out of theater and looked at the movie poster of rain falling on Rachel McAdams, he realized that he needed to leave his wife and focus all of his time on what really makes his douche heart full: making it rain piss on underage girls in hotel rooms.
When Lifetime announced that they were doing a remake of Steel Magnolias with Queen Latifah as M'Lynn, I felt like I had just been slapped in the face by Jack Jr. on Easter Sunday. And after seeing the trailer, I'm torn ("Don't they have anus stitches at the free clinic?" - you). On one hand, this looks really well done and like Lifetime put all their money on this and used leftover Camel Cash and drink tickets to pay for Liz & Dick. On the other hand, this sort of looks like six friends (Queen, Alfre Woodard, Phylicia Rashad, Jill Scott, Adepero Oduye and Condola Rashad) got drunk on pink wine together and started reciting lines from the movie (aka what I do every Sunday night with my dog. He plays Shelby, obviously.) It's almost like a J. Jill catalog come to life. Where's the camp?! Where's the over-the-top tears?! Where was Shelby's kitchen ass Sandy Duncan wig?
I'm mad at Lifetime, so I'm probably just taking that out on this trailer. I'm mad at Lifetime, because I just saw pictures of Lindsay Lohan on the Liz & Dick set looking like a bloated Miss Swann as Chinopatra.
England's finest rose is a beacon of understated elegance from her "Raggedy Ann after a $2 blowout" weave to her Spalding-made titty balls to her Bad-era Michael Jackson tattoo and all the way down to her graceful hooves. And Jodie Marsh's precious feet only deserve the best, which is why she slipped them into a pair of exquisitely crafted heels that are so delicate they make Cinderella's lucite slippers look like some knock-off CROCs from Payless. Don't let anybody tell you that you can't achieve high levels of luxury with a hot glue gun, a can of gold spray paint, a couple of dead crows, a string of black Cheerios anal beads and some shit you stole from a 5th grader's diorama project on Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire.
But seriously, what is that dark-sided shit on Jodie's feets? Those aren't shoes, they're a traveling black magic witch ceremony. I see those chicken feet voodoo dolls. Everyone around her got the heaves and they figured it was from looking at the fugness on her feet. But no, with every step Jodie took, she cast a black magic curse on them. Cleanse the blasphemy from your monitor screen with a holy water wipe.
Jodie is usually the epitome of sophistication, so we shouldn't hold this one fuck-up against her. Jodie made it up to us later when she went on ITV1's This Morning and told them that she recently honored her late grandma in a very special way:
“I had her ashes crushed up into the ink and tattooed in to me and I feel like she’s with me forever now.”
Here I was thinking that the best way to honor your grandma is by having her ashes turned into a diamond nipple ring. Leave it to Jodie Marsh to show us how a classy tribute is really done.
That sound you hear is the sound of unwrapped Werther's Originals rolling across the linoleum floor after every memaw and pepaw dropped their favorite candy to cover their mouths in sadness at the news that the star of the only shows they watch has gone up to the great big Mayberry in the sky. Just a day before the Fourth of July, America has lost one of its national treasures. Andy Griffith's good friend Bill Friday tells WITN that Ben Matlock and Sheriff Andy Taylor passed away this morning in North Carolina. Andy was 86.
Bill Friday says that Andy died early this morning at his home in Dare County. Most know Andy from Matlock and The Andy Griffith Show, but he was also in Waitress and Pray for the Wildcats. While reading about Andy on Wikipedia, I learned that was never nominated for an Emmy for Matlock or The AG Show. I know, pick up those Werther's and drop them again.
Rest in peace, Andy Griffith. Grampa Simpson will never be the same again.
Only thing missing: Miley & Liam Just Married - CokeyBloke
Bristol's son outgrew his stroller, so Sarah Palin gathered her resources and purchased him a custom Power Wheels. - SteelCityGirl
Disguised as part of the Cyrus family, Katie and Suri make their getaway. - Jenn F.
First it was perfume, now they are letting Britney design cars? - parissucksliterally
via Helen of desTroy
The E.T. Finger Light/Anal Candle from 1982! io9 points our asses (literally) to eBay auction after eBay auction of the original E.T. Finger Light, the perfect gift for the gay Scientologist in your life. He can use it to read Scientology porn (aka Dianetics) in the dark and after he gets all hot, he can dip that Finger Light in a tub of Crisco and use it to light up his ass. E.T. probe homo. As Ryan, who sent this mess in, puts it:
This is Tommy Girl's wet dream!!!
It really is and that's why it's the perfect Hot Slut for Tommy's born day. Happy Birthday, Tommy! Here's hoping that John Travolta will put 50 of these E.T. dildo lights on your cake tonight. Don't forget to blow (with your no-no) and make a wish!
Tom Cruise (50)
Olivia Munn (32)
Ludivine Sagnier (33)
Andrea Barber (36)
Patrick Wilson (39)
Julian Assange (41)
Audra McDonald (42)
Shawnee Smith (42)
Sandra "Lush Lagoon" Lee (46)
Connie Nielsen (47)
Yeardley Smith (48)
Hunter Tylo (50)
Thomas Gibson (50)
Montel Williams (56)
Don Vito Margera (56)
Betty Buckley (65)
Gloria Allred (71)
Tom Stoppard (75)
Somebody Photoshop a blunt in Katie Holmes' hand, because she looks like she just baked her last Thetan off. Or maybe she's just relieved that she can let out a fart without a Scientology handler running off to tell her master what it smelled like. Freedom really is farting whenever you want to.
Anyway, Katie Holmes was out in NYC today after guest judging an episode of Project Runway: All-Stars 2, and her marriage finger was free of the shackle that was her wedding ring. You know that shit wasn't a wedding ring. It was a straight-up GPS tracking system. So I hope she pawned that shit and used the money to buy some new shoes. Seriously, she needs a new pair of shoes, because those ones she had on today were as ugly as three kinds of hell. They look like Chester the Cheetah's used cum rags. And that dress. I'm sure she made it out of her old Scientology prison jumpsuit. Bitch, you've freed yourself of Tommy Girl, now free yourself of bad taste.
Robert Smith or Rosie O'Donnell caught in a tornado? And yes, I'd STILL hit it. - SOW
Sort of picture proof that Mila Kunis is cleansing her coochie with Ashton Kutcher's douche dick - Lainey Gossip
Blake Lively's 4-year-old nephew was really laughing at her naked body because he had already seen that shit on the Internet - The Superficial
The Pet Shop Boys have a new song and I'd like it a lot more if its video was nothing but Anderson Cooper sprinting out of the glass closet over and over again - Towleroad
If you're on Manhunt and come across a trick with the username ButtFucking4Xenu, you now know why - Manhunt
Miranda Kerr fights the hotness by bleaching her mop - Hollywood Tuna
Derek Hough butches it up with his hags - Drunken Stepfather
DKNY goes for the wet cardboard demographic by using Ashley Greene in their ads - The Berry
Gucci goes for the boiled cauliflower demographic by using Blake NotSoLively in the ad for their new perfume - ICYDK
Kelsey Grammer's fourth wife has got the "barefoot, pregnant hillbilly slaving over a hot stove" look down - Celebitchy
Ireland Baldwin looks thrilled to be basking in the glow of newlywed love - Just Jared
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence pulls her own luggage - Popoholic
Mimi and all the other tricks and tramps from last night's BET Awards - Popsugar
Alec Baldwin quit Twitter again - I'm Not Obsessed
Dear dog, please take one of those Buds. You're going to need a drink before you look at yourself in the mirror. - Cityrag
Herp Inn Express coming to a town near you - Hollywood Rag
Yes, Patti Stanger is still an asshole - Videogum
One of the Facebook founders married a real-life Ken doll - OMG Blog