Yesterday we all lost an American icon who was the first human to walk on the moon, and today we gain a future American icon who will probably go on to do history-making things like moon a bunch of tricks at Karma on a Sunday morning. It's the circle of life.
As Neil Armstrong floated up to heaven hoping that his spirit doesn't land in the reincarnation bin before getting spit out into the body of a certain guidoling, Snooki went into labor last night and this morning she gave birth to the chosen child of the Jersey Shore. That's one small step for a Guidoling, one giant leap for the end of civilization as we know it.
When the news of Snooki letting out an Ooma Loompa birthin' wail made the rounds on Twitter and everywhere else yesterday afternoon, hos everywhere stocked up on Jäger and self-tanner before going down into their end of the world bunkers. Then at around 3 this morning at Saint Barnabas Medical Center in Livingston, N.J., Snooki's baby boy fist pumped his way out of her poon and was probably greeted by MTV's cameras. I can't wait to see the touching moment when Snooki's kid hugs an MTV camera, stares into its lens and lets out his first words, "Are you my mommy?
Ten seconds after Snooki made history by being the first Oompa Loompa to give birth out of captivity, she went on Twitter and confirmed that her and her piece Jionni LaValle named their kid Lorenzo D:
I am SO IN LOVE with my son Lorenzo Dominic ! I had my little man last night, healthy at 6lbs! HE'S MY WORLD! ❤
Snooki's rep (yeah, she has one of those) tells People that baby is resting comfortably in his tanning bed crib and mother is resting comfortably on her hospital bed while Jionni stands over her face, squeezing 100 proof booze drops out of her drunk placenta and into her open mouth hole. Seriously, Snooki's placenta is probably a bloody organ of booze. On that note, it's Bloody Mary time!
The amazing plasma globe that boggled minds in the late 80s and early 90s!
A visit to Spencer's Gifts in the mall wasn't complete for my early 90s self until I spent a good minute getting hypnotized by the plasma globe. You'd put your finger on the globe and all those things that look like electrified pink sperm fishes with extra long tails would come at it. There was always a line to play with that shit and some sucio motherfucker would always ruin it for everyone by putting his tongue on it and that sucio motherfucker may or may not have been me.
The plasma lamp was first invented by Nikolas Tesla for studying high voltage stuff and the one we all played with in the 90s was designed by Bill Parker. You can still buy one at Spencer's, Sharper Image and other fine stores that only sell the most useful products.
You know, the people who make this shit should take it to the next level by coming out with plasma globe anal beads and plasma dildos. Scientologists are placing their pre-orders now.
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Here's Victoria's Secret angel collector Leonardo DiCatchAHo looking like you want to buy a vowel from his ass, because he looks like Pat Sajak if Pat Sajak's toupee was made out of bloated guinea pigs. Leonardo drowned the top of his head in a bowl of Nice 'N Easy and rubbed his face on a plate of Fashion Fair foundation to play a stockbroker in the 80s in Martin Scorsese's The Wolf of Wall Street. No, The Wolf of Wall Street isn't a sequel to Teen Wolf and isn't about Scott Howard all grown up and working as a stockbroker. I wish.
Leo looks like either a roasted marshmallow in a Wink Martindale wig or like the real-life, freshly shaven version of that gorgeously restored Jesus Christ portrait. So based on those descriptions alone, I'd hit it. Yes.
Officers from Child Protective Services who visit OctoMom's future house of bad decisions, wherever that may be, might be wondering why Octo's 11-year-old son stands in the corner with frozen eyes and a Magic Eraser in his hand that he uses to scrub the dark-sided images from his head. This is why. Octo tells Celebuzz (via Crushable) that she is completely honest with all fifty million of her kids and the older ones knows about her fap porn debut. I doubt they know that she hugged her clit with her fingers until her eyes rolled back, but they do sort of know that the piece of Wonder Bread they're eating was bought with money she made from fucking her own body on camera. Octo puts it like this:
“I raise them in total honesty, so they’ll never have any resentment or harbor resentment when they grow up. They do [know] to a certain degree. They do not know the total details, but I raise them in total honesty.
They’re totally desensitized…our experiences allowed all of us to pull out strengths we didn’t know we possess.”
Octo truly is operating on a different frequency than the sane. Total honesty? I'm not a parent and I know that you're not supposed to fill your children's ears with the truth all the time. That's just crazy bitch talk. If the world becomes an even more fucked up place by me becoming somebody's dad, I'm so not going to tell them the truth. I'm going to lie to them all the time. It's the best thing for everyone. "No, kid, I wasn't drinking drunk juice while watching you and your little friends play in the park. It was grape juice and it was unsweetened, which is why I didn't give you any. I don't know why your friends told you that. They must have a disease that makes them lie all the time! I forbid you to see them anymore! Not really, but I've always wanted to say that." "No, kid, I can't buy you that candy. Did you know that every time a parent gives into their kid's whines and buys them a candy at the checkout lane, a kitten gets diabetes?"
The only thing I won't lie to my kid bout is the Santa thing. I won't let some fake bitch get all the credit for me standing in a long ass line with a bunch of assholes at KMart on December 24th to buy some dumb toy.
That being said, it was good of Octo to tell her kids. When they go on the Internet and Google "How can I get a pack of wolves to adopt me?", they'll eventually somehow run into their mom's self-fuck video. They're going to find out anyway.
And when Octo tells her kids about her ear-murdering song, they'll each respond by doing this:
The only man who can say that he was the first human on the moon floated up past the stars and into heaven at the age of 82. Reuters says that Neil Armstrong had heart-heart bypass surgery on August 5th, two days before his 82nd birthday, to relieve blocked coronary arteries.
History class time! Stop scribbling peen drawings on your paper bag book cover and pay attention. Neil was the commander of the Apollo 11 mission and he was the first one to step on the moon on July 20, 1969. As he stepped on the moon, Neil said the words that will forever live in tattoo form on one of my old friends' ankle (sadly, I'm not joking): "That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind."
The Apollo 11 mission was Neil's last mission. After that he, worked as NASA's deputy associate administrator for aeronautics and later taught engineering at the University of Cincinnati. Neil lived with his wife Carol in the Cincinnati area.
Rest in peace, Neil (or as my dumb 8-year-old self used to call you, Jeannie's husband. I really thought Jeannie was married to Neil Armstrong).
Ryan Lochte's sister Megan isn't a racist or a dim piece of trash who makes her brother look like Mensa's golden child. Megan is actually just a sociological performance artist who was playing a racist character to show society how ignorant some can people be toward other cultures. We're the dumb bitches for not getting it, okay?
After a video of Megan mouth farting out all sorts of priceless racist dingles about Chinese people went viral yesterday, she back pedaled her way to Radar and told them it wasn't an interview. It was a skit and Megan was playing a racist character and that shitty dunce cap of a hat was given to her by the costume department to make her dumb character look even more dumb. Okay, Megan didn't say that last part, but I thought I'd throw it in for her. You're welcome, Megan.
Here's Megan pouring the shit of a bull all over laps before pulling our dicks with this explanation:
This was not a real interview, and it in no way reflects my true feelings or persona whatsoever. The intent was to make fun of the ignorance of people who actually do not have an understanding of other cultures and speak in racist ways. The skit and my character were supposed to be making fun of ignorance and not any culture or class of people. I do see how it was highly offensive to the viewer, but as seen by today's widespread outrage, it clearly did increase awareness of the ignorance of those who are racist. While the intent of the script was to shed light on cultural ignorance. I realize that in application it did offend people, and for that I apologize."
Who does this bitch think she is, Sarah Silverman?
Instead of acting like she gave all of us a "The more you know moment....", Megan should've kept her explanation simple. She should've just said, "I'm a Lochte! What do you expect? YOLO!" We all would've nodded our heads and kept moving.
Ukranian-Canadian artist Taras Polataiko's Sleeping Beauty installation in the National Art Museum of Ukraine !
Like something out of a Scientology marriage ritual ceremony, unmarried dudes who are 18 or over can go to the National Art Museum of the Ukraine and sign a contract that binds them to marry the "Sleeping Beauty" if she opens her eyes after he kisses her on the lips. Dear Tommy Girl, direct your hover pod to take you directly to the Ukraine and use your telekinesis powers to open up Sleeping Beauty's eyelids, because that's a girl who believes in fairytales (see: Xenu and Thetans) and who respects the sanctity of a contract!
Taras tells The Daily Telegraph that until September 9th, wannabe Prince Charmings (or creepy ass perverts who just want to put their lips on the lips of a real-life human woman who isn't a Real Doll aka every dude in this clip) must sign a contract confirming that their unmarried asses are at least 18 years old and that they will legally marry Sleeping Beauty if she opens her eyes. Each Sleeping Beauty, they rotate, signs the same contract. Taras says this mess of an art piece isn't a joke and it a very serious matter, because a legal marriage is involved! Yes, marriage is a serious matter. Kim Kuntrashian taught us that.
I love it when artists stamp the word ART on weird shit, but this is just too weird and there's no way any Sleeping Beauty is going to open her eyes. What if you opened your eyes to a fugly-faced dude who is broke, ain't got no job, has one of those extra short burrito dicks and has a shitty personality. You have to marry him, because you signed a contract and I'm sure a court of law will bind you to that contract (insert closed eye eye roll here). So you'll have to pay for everything, because he's broke and you won't ever talk, because everything he says will make you want to fuck your ear holes with a screwdriver. I would say that the only fuck position you can get into is the "hit it from the back" position, but he's got a short burrito peen so that's out. The only thing you can really do is sit on his face. But you know, I bet the key to a long-lasting marriage is to sit on each other's faces all the time. That way you don't have to hear them talk and you don't have to look at their face. This could work!
But seriously, this shouldn't be called the Sleeping Beauty exhibit, this should be called the "How To Get The Mouth Herps In The Name Of ART!" exhibit.
And the Sleeping Beauty, who I thought was wearing fancy condoms around her face, in this clip is a dumb bitch. I mean, Tom Petty (at the 1:26 mark) kissed her mouth and she didn't open her eyes (probably because her eyes are weighed down with all that paint). He's rich!
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Katy Perry and John Mayer's true love romance ended after only 3 months of casual sexing, but at least she'll always have the occasional outbreak to remember him by.... - Lainey Gossip
I'm going to assume that Kristen Dunst's necklace is a special message for orthodontists - The Superficial
The Bow Wow doth protest too much - Towleroad
When England's Finest Rose dresses up as She-Hulk, her chichis look like giant green Sixlets - Hollywood Tuna
Another reason why I can't with LeAnn Rimes. Instead of taking yet another dumb bikini picture of herself, ho should be using that Falcor mouth to swallow the delicious open bar behind her - Drunken Stepfather
Happy Panty Creamer Fridays! - The Berry
Finally, a lezzie thriller starring The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo and Regina George - Just Jared
Speaking of The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, Lenny Kravitz still dresses like her - I'm Not Obsessed
Things that are probably not true but I wish were: Jessica Lange and Sarah Paulson are bumping coochies - Celebitchy
So this is why alien sightings in Waikiki have jumped up by 100% - Popoholic
More like "Kristen Stewart is trying to find inner peace within her bong" - Hollywood Rag
Stephen Baldwin got arrested - ICYDK
I'm sure Obama will get on this as soon as he finishes firing that cop who arrested Amanda Bynes - Crunk + Disorderly
Why do I have a feeling that hundreds of Ryan Gosling fangirls are going to give this picture of his dog to their hairstylists and say, "Give me this! He'll finally love me if my hair looks like this!" - Popsugar
Don't be surprised if the #1 song on iTunes this weekend is Legitimate Rape by The Renegade Raging Grannies - Videogum
Why didn't Jennifer Love Hewitt include pictures of the play wedding chapel in her backyard, because that's a selling feature - Cityrag