Tori Spelling and her possum-eyed husband Dean McDERPott have a 5-year-old named Liam, a 4-year-old named Stella, a 10-month-old named Hattie and now they have a 15-hour-old named Finn Davey. So as you sip your morning cup of java-flavored liquid meth, take comfort in knowing that at any given time, Tori's either got a baby falling out of her cooch or Dean's peen falling into her cooch.
Last night, Tori posted a picture on her website of a newborn's hand holding on to her finger (the baby diarrhea nail polish was a nice touch) and added the note:
Please join us in welcoming Finn Davey McDermott
6 pounds, 6 ounces – 20 inches long
Yeah, Liam, Stella, Hattie and Finn Davey. That reads like the character list of a lost Tennessee Williams play or like the fake names of the servers at a Mark Twain-themed restaurant.
Tori's uterus is probably letting out a long sigh of relief because it's finally getting a moment to itself, but it shouldn't get used to being alone. Because as soon as Dean's peen looks at her for longer than ten seconds, she'll be knocked up again. Those Mon Calamaris are fertile bitches.
The entire bikini industry is shaking out of their string bottoms, because their number one ho LeAnn Rimes is off soothing her splintered nerves somewhere. TMZ says that LeAnn is getting help for anxiety, but she isn't in rehab. LeAnn is in a Monday through Friday therapy center of some kind where she's learning how to cope with anxiety and stress. It's not really rehab, because LeAnn can leave on the weekends and she gets to keep her phone. Oh, rich, famous whores. When they get stressed out, they go to a luxurious spa with an advice booth for 30 days. When the rest of us get stressed out, we take a bath, pop half a Xanax and fucking deal.
TMZ says that LeAnn became an anxious stick in a bikini when she spotted a wild snake at her hooves and galloped back to her stable. No, apparently there's a group of haters on Twitter who are firmly on Team Brandi Glanville (aka Eddie Cibrian's ex-wife) and are constantly throwing hate at LeAnn for slipping Eddie's wedding ring off with her snatch. Since crazy runs through LeAnn's system instead of protein, she constantly fights back at her haters on Twitter. This past spring, LeAnn got together with some of her Twitter friends in real life (????) and decided to call two of her haters to work things out. The two haters, Kimberly Smiley and Lexi Smiley, taped the conversation and then splattered it all over the Internet. In the tape, LeAnn bashes Brandi, but she claims that Kimberly and Lexi edited that shit together. LeAnn is now suing the both of them for invasion of privacy. And that's why LeAnn is on the edge of having a meltdown.
LeAnn, Kimberly and Lexi need to check into a junior high school for 30 days, because a) that's where their crazy asses belong; and b) that's where beyond stupid shit like this is usually resolved. Bitches swear they're in Mean Girls.
Meanwhile, a source tells Radar that LeAnn is getting help for her anxiety issues, because she thinks Eddie is passing his peen to another and she's been stressing out about it. It really shouldn't surprise LeAnn if Eddie is dipping his noncommittal dick in the cooch wells of other tricks, because he's Eddie Cibrian and that's just what he does. I could understand if LeAnn is stressing out over that, because she's dickmatized and dickmatized hos usually go into panic mode when they think they're going to lose some good dick. But freaking out over Twitter?
I have seen some of the tweets that LeAnn's haters send her and they do go extra hard and act like she fucked their man. Yes, LeAnn would probably fuck their man if she could, but I'm guessing she hasn't, so it's really not that serious. But if LeAnn can't take all the Twitter hate, she should use her fingers to explore a button called the DELETE button. Bitch doesn't need therapy, she just needs someone to show her how to delete her damn Twitter account.
I swear, it's all fun and tweets until some crazy fame whore ends up in a luxurious therapy spa for 5 days a week.
The empty chair that was the star of the RNC thanks to Clint Eastwood!
For the final night of the Republican National Convention (I think it was the final night, I don't know these things), they brought out a very special "mystery guest" and that mystery guest was American treasure and my new favorite pepaw Clint Eastwood who took the "mystery" in mystery guest to a whole new level by making some of us wonder what the fuck his speech was about.
For over 10 magical minutes, Clint gave a hilariously surreal speech (click here for the transcript which college theater students will be using as an audition monologue for years to come) about I don't know what, but then he really brought the theater and drama when he started arguing with an imaginary Obama sitting on a chair. It was some Grandpa Simpson yelling at a cloud shit and I loved all of it. I hope that after Clint left the stage, he yelled at a backstage water cooler for looking at him wrong and then when he sat on the toilet in his dressing room, he yelled at the roll of toilet paper for being so damn stupid.
There's nothing more that needs to be said about this, because everyone, including the real Obama, has tweeted about this and it's already become a full-on meme. The only thing I have to say is that Clint Eastwood went ahead and made my day!
And come November, I'm totally voting for that empty chair. Empty Chair 4 President!
Deborah Gibson (42)
Jeff Hardy (35)
Sara Ramirez (37)
Chris Tucker (42)
Queen Rania of Jordan (42)
Jonathan LaPaglia (43)
Gina Schock (55)
Julie Brown (57)
Marcia Clark (59)
Richard Gere (63)
Van Morrison (67)
To follow up their successful campaign to send Pitbull's ass to a Walmart in Alaska, 4Chan is now trying to send make Taylor Swift perform at a school for the deaf. I don't know if this is a potent act of bitchery or an act of bitchery mixed in with a little sweetness. Or mixed in with a lot of cruelness since many deaf children can hear and they'll be forced to listen to Taylor's goat yodeling.
In a contest co-sponsored by Papa John's and Chegg, any school that gets the most votes on Facebook will win a visit and performance from Taylor Swift. The top 5 schools will also win a $10,000 grant for their music department. A quick second after 4Chan found out about the contest, The Horace Mann School for The Deaf and Hard of Hearing in Massachusetts became the clear leader and right now it has over 25,000 votes.
The rules state that Taylor doesn't have to perform at the winning school if she doesn't want to, but her heart is made of crushed strawberry lollipops and Lisa Frank stickers so there's no way she'll turn down a school for the deaf. You know what's going to happen, though? Taylor's going to show up with her guitar and then she'll put it down before doing the entire performance in sign language. It'll be a win for the kids, because they'll get to see Taylor Swift's ass and their hearing aids won't explode from her live singing voice.
But seriously, if you're the parent of a curly-haired tall boy who goes to Horace Mann, lock down your son right now, because that boytrap Taylor might be coming to town.
QUICK PROGRAMMING NOTE: It's the last holiday weekend of the summer in the US, and so I'm taking my pasty carcass to the beach tonight. If the news tells you to stay away from Long Island, because a bloated sea creature more terrifying than the Montauk Monster has washed up on shore, it's just me passed out on my towel again. So because I'll be doing that, it will be a little lighter around here until Tuesday. And speaking of beaches (and bloated bitches)...
The beach in Seaside Heights has officially declared been safe by the Health Department, because MTV has ended our long national nightmare by canceling Jersey Shore. Parents can finally let their kids go into the water without them worrying about coming back with Syphilis. I can't wait to see the Duck Phone in the new season of Celebrity Rehab. - The Superficial
When are we going to find out that Winona Ryder is really an ageless vampire? - Lainey Gossip
"Saving the world...." Yeah, that's what I say I'm doing when I'm really trolling for tricks on Grindr - Towleroad
Kelly Brook's dress looks like the Hello Kitty pencil case I stole from my sister - Hollywood Tuna
Aubrey HO'Day is so resourceful. I mean, turning a child's seatbelt into a pair of panties... - Drunken Stepfather
Oh, don't mind Lea Michele, she's just looking for her humility - The Berry
In other words, Rosie O'Donnell's new wife better make sure she passes every "smell yo poon" test - Celebitchy
Ke$hit's pussy looks traumatized - Just Jared
If the trick suing Kris Humphries for giving her the Herp gets any money out of this, Derek Jeter is screwed - ICYDK
I'd like to think that Mila Kunis showing her midriff is her way of letting us know that no, she's not knocked up with AssStain Kutcher's baby - Popoholic
I hope JLo's 3D concert movie co-starring Casper Smart is rated under PG-13 or the theater might not let him in to see it - Popsugar
The hell did they do to Goofy? - OMG Blog
That low-budget blue background is making Beyonce and Anderson Cooper look like human Shrinky Dinks - SOW
Michael Keaton will play a villain in the remake of the last movie that needs to be remade - Hollywood Rag
Are we sure this isn't really fan art of Phoebe Price as Ke$hit? - Cityrag
Bush (the first one) doing an impersonation of Dana Carvey doing an impersonation of Bush (the first one) - Videogum
Today's "fighting the hot" moment is brought to you by ASkars looking like Kristen Stewart in Panic Room - I'm Not Obsessed
So much for that tan-under. Since Tan Mom is so used to getting roasted, Bianca Del Rio and Lady Bunny tried to roast her ass at an event called "Tan Mom at Hot Mess" at the gay club XL in NYC last night, but it's kind of impossible to roast something that keeps drunkenly falling off the grill while shouting at everybody. From the video (via Gawker), this doesn't look like a roast. It looks like a tragic performance art piece about the life and times of White Oprah.
On the red carpet before the roast, Tan Mom fell over and a source tells The Post that she attacked a drag queen. They eventually got her on stage, but once she was there she was incoherent, cursed bitches out and kept blabbering on about how she didn't put her kid in a tanning bed (cut to her kid locked in a tanning bed at home, because a locked tanning bed IS the best babysitter). It ended with Tan Mom getting kicked off the stage.
You should immediately download this video to your phone, because the next time one of your friends gets on your ass for being a sloppy drunk who is known to pass out on a McDonald's toilet after barfing into it, show them this. At least you don't get as messy as this mess.
It's an old lez as Old Liz! Thanks to a luscious nest of black polyester hair and a whole lot of prosthetics to make the weathered and meth-damaged leather mask she calls a face look younger, Lindsay Lohan actually looks glamorous as a 1980s era Elizabeth Taylor. Lifetime released a few more stills from Liz & Dick (or as future historians will call it, the biggest disaster of 2012) and the make-up team should go ahead and collect their Emmy now for making a haggard mess look like a glamorous blossom from the 1980s. Yes, LiLo looks like Larry Fortensky in La Liz drag, but she's still never looked hotter. Bitch actually looks younger.
In other LiLo news, the owner of the trailer Elizabeth Taylor used while filming Cleopatra tells CNN that she is not happy with the producers of Liz & Dick, because when she lent it to them, it was in pristine condition and it came back to her looking like a freckled tornado of crack smoke hit it hard. Angel Alger spent $58,000, her entire life savings, to buy the trailer in June. Two days after she bought it, she let the producers of Liz & Dick borrow it for a week. The producers wanted to use it, because it's where Elizabeth and Richard Burton humped on each other between shooting scenes for Cleopatra.
When Angel got the trailer back, it looked like the inside of LiLo's nostrils: cracked, burned and jacked up. There were cigarette burns everywhere, dishes were cracked and even a rocking chair was missing. Angel estimates that the damage totals around $100,000. An insurance type from the studio met with Angel and toured the trailer earlier this month, but so far they haven't compensated her at all.
You'll never guess whose name burped out of Angel's mouth when CNN asked her who she thinks trashed her trailer:
"Only a psychotic and rebellious person or people would steal irreplaceable museum belongings and leave it in this vandalized condition."
In other words: You know who. Blow out a coke booger if you need a clue. Angel thinks it's LiLo, because DUH, and also because an employee from the studio told her that LiLo and her friends had access to it after shooting each night. But LiLo's rep, who earns credits toward getting his PhD in lie-telling with each statement he releases, denies it was her.
Hopefully, Angel gets some money out of this (she won't), but in the meantime, if she needs to calm her tattered nerves, she should just walk into the trailer, hold down one of her nostrils and snort real deep, because I'm sure there's a huge cloud of coke dust in there.
And here's more stills from Liz & Dick including one with Richard Burton (played by Grant Bowler) and one of LiLo as Kleptopatra.
We've all seen this episode a million times, but I guess Kelly Taylor is really into re-living the reruns, because that stringy-haired, Contempo Casuals-wearing, home-wrecking klepto skank is at it again. The literary journal of 100% truthiness that is The National Enquirer (via Page Six) says that while shooting that piece of crap Old Navy commercial, Jennie Garth and Luke Perry found love in a Brenda Walsh-less place. Ever since then, Kelly Taylor has been riding Dylan McKay and I bet that when she stares deep into his greasy tenhead, she sees Brenda Walsh winking back at her. Some source (aka a publicist for Old Navy using a pay phone at the Peach Pit) said this about Kelly and Dylan's reunion:
"Since seeing Luke again, Jennie has fallen in love with him and Luke feels the same. There is an electricity between them that has been revived after all these years. It just happened.”
That electricity isn't from chemistry, it's from Brenda Walsh burning them with her bitch eyes. Jennie's rep denies all of this and says she's just friends with Luke, but whatever. I know how that Dylan-jacking whore operates. Let Kelly have her fun while she can, because we all know how this ends. Yes, it ends with me finally checking into a mental hospital to seek treatment for not letting go of TV shows from the 90s, but it also ends like this:
Jennie: What are you doing for Labor Day?
Luke: Going to Baja.
Nothing to laugh about here -- this one we will all be sad about. All of us. Because it’s almost over for them. After rising together and stabilising together and conveniently finding a home together, where you’d think work would be so much easier, and having the babies too, they’re close to formally ending it, and there may be an announcement soon...which, well, if you look at him it doesn’t seem to have affected him physically. Everyone says he really cares about his appearance these days, more than ever, and is looking hotter than ever. Or, as one person put it, “hot all of a sudden”. Emotionally too he hasn’t let on that there’s anything wrong. For what it’s worth, I’m told there was no third party involvement. Perhaps that means it’s amicable, just the end of their story. Perhaps we’ll be more choked about it than they are. As I drench my waffles in more maple syrup. (Lainey Gossip)
Because of that last line, the Internet thinks this is about Amy Poehler and Will Arnett. The only way to know for sure is to check the logs at every suicide hotline to see if there was a call from "True Love."
Which former “Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew” alum has relapsed, gained a ton of weight back and is now in serious condition at a Los Angeles-area hospital? Hitting rock bottom for the umpteenth time hasn’t changed the grumpy, bloated D-lister’s sour attitude – the hospital staff threatened to transfer him if he didn’t stop harassing the nurses! (National Enquirer via Blind Gossip)
Tom Sizemore or Jason "Gummi Bear" Davis, or honestly, every single ex-Celebrity Rehabber.
Which high-profile TV personality – people in Hollywood call her an “attack dog,” and most say THAT’S a compliment – has been hiding a lesbian secret? The twice-divorced loudmouth says she has been burned by men in the past, but has always preferred women! (National Enquirer via Blind Gossip)
The only shit I've got is either Nancy Grace or Gloria Allred? Nancy's still married to her first husband and Wiki says Gloria has only been divorced once. So I'm just going to say that it's both of them and when they aren't screaming at a camera lens, they're munching the rage out of each other.
This bachelor is quite the catch. He is handsome, talented, and always has his pick of the best projects and the most beautiful women. While he always seemed content dating the same type of girl over and over again (even sometimes going back to the same girl more than once), it looks like he is ready to pop the question! He is quietly having a mind-bending engagement ring made for the lucky lady, and will propose before the end of the year. (Blind Gossip)
George Clooney, and if this is true, I'm sure he'll propose on International Fuckit Day.