Like any other 55 year old fat lady with cats trapped in a 32 year old gay man's body, New Year's Eve only bring one film to mind - The Poseidon Adventure! This 1972 cinematic shitquake is about a ship turning upside down and the survivors, including Gene Hackman, the grandfather from Willy Wonka, the first Fallon Carrington and Shelley Winters (who gives a crotch shot) struggling to get out. But the real star is the queen of all sluts, Linda Rogo. An ex-hooker, she strips to her panties as soon as the ship capsizes, like a good slut should. She spends the rest of the movie cursing at everyone, calling Shelly Winters a fat ass and climbing through vents in her high heels and underwear. Spoiler alert: Bitch dies at the end, which is a bummer because I'd have loved to see her scream at Telly Savalas in Beyond the Poseidon Adventure.
Here's to Linda Rogo and let's hope that 2013 is the year of the slut!
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Brace Yourselves, Kim Kardashian Is Knocked Up With Kanye's Baby And That Means The World Is Going To Explode
You know how you were taking a walk on Sunday night and a drop of white goop fell on your forehead? You thought it was just a pigeon shitting from above. But nope, that wasn't it. It was Pimp Mama Kris' panty pudding flying out of her snatch after she learned that the STUNT QUEEN BABIES of all STUNT QUEEN BABIES is in her daughter's womb. At his show in Atlantic City, Gay Fish announced that he put a baby in Kim Kardashian. The Mayans got it wrong. December 21, 2012 wasn't supposed to be the last day of the world. It's (insert the date that Kim butt births out her first born). I CAN'T even, so I'll let E! News take it from here:
E! News has confirmed with the Kardashian family that Kim is expecting her first child with the rapper. But it was West who already spilled the exciting news to a few hundred concertgoers.
During his Atlantic City show on Sunday night, West decided to announce that Kim was expecting to all his fans. Kanye West says he "ain't crazy."
And the congratulatory tweets have already begun for the future parents. "Congrats to Kim and Kanye. Happy for both of them... bit.ly/YE4Uzh," Russell Simmons tweeted, while the Kardashians all showed their joy for the newest member of the family. "Im a happy girl !!!!!!!!! Wowza! Oh BABY BABY BABY," Kris Jenner tweeted. Khloé Kardashian Odom wrote, "Keeping secrets is hard with so many family members! Especially when you are so freaking excited!!!!! LOVE is everything!!!!" Kourtney Kardashian also went to Twitter with, "Been wanting to shout from the rooftops with joy and now I can! Another angel to welcome to our family. Overwhelmed with excitement!"
Kim is about 12 weeks pregnant.
12 weeks?! That means Kim Kartrashian is going to birth out a baby about the same time as Duchess Kate is going to push out the future Queen of King of England. Oh here go hell come. We should all say goodbye to oxygen, because Kim's ass is going to get so HUGE that it's going to take over most of the world and all of our faces will be pressed against he earth's surface when she reaches her last trimester.
And well, now we know that you can get knocked up from letting your piece piss on your ass. And I bet the Illuminati's chosen one will be named King Kimye. Lord help us all! Jesus take the bedazzled wheel.
Ugh Charlie. Just when I start to think you are a nice guy who bails fellow crackheads out of their IRS trouble and donates the rest of your Scary Movie 5 salary to charity, you go and pull this stupid stunt. BOOOOOO. At the opening of the club he co-owns at the El Ganza hotel in Cabo, brilliantly named Sheenz with a Z (insert eye roll here), Charlie Sheen drops an F bomb on the crowd. No, not the glorious FUCK word, which nobody would have given an eff about. YEAH, that one.
NY Daily News has the story, and you can watch the video here on TMZ where Chuck (or as I lovingly refer to him "Upchuck" now amended to "ShutTheFuckUpchuck") yells this to the crowd, which is notably NOT on board with what the fuck he just said judging from the lackluster response.
"How we doing? Lying bunch of f---got asssholes, how we doing?"
Adorable. He immediately apologized for the slur and said he was not trying to offend and that he meant to say "maggots" but he has a lisp. What a lame as fuck excuse. You have a lisp of the brains Charlie, just go do another fat rail off a couple of rented piece's assholes and stop making appearances that aren't pre-taped and edited. Slash showed up and played a set for the club opening, which Charlie by all reports hosted beautifully right up to the point he put his foot in his mouth up to his hipbone (BONUS, I can suck my own dick now! Shit, still cokey and flaccid, and tastes like Lindsay Lohan. ~ Charlie).
This video is crazier than a Courtney Love tweet after a two-week bender!! The guy putting out the firebomb of a boat 1) gets an A++ in creative problem solving, 2) has massive balls that make Cisco Adler cry with envy, 3) is insane as hell and 4) has a pretty nice boat which he treats like a jet ski. Swooooon. Anybody got his phone number?
Because they have more money than we'll ever have and more rug rats than we'll ever want, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, their child army and their SWAT team of twelve nannies are sunning their buns and The Leg in the Carribean according to Radar. Or, more specifically, at designer Donna Karan's crib on Turks and Caicos. Celebuzz has pics of the place, I Googled, and it's a bargain at $10K a night. BUT they do throw in complimentary flip flops for chasing down wild children by the black volcanic stone lined infity pool, so that helps. They are being joined by Brad's parents, his brother, his sister and their families. That's 22 people in all. It really DOES take a village. Look at that place. No really look now, because it's gorgeousness will be wiped out like a car bombing by the time that couch and table jumping brood is done with it.
Damn, TWELVE nannies?? Are they sure that's enough? If I've got the right place it only has eleven bedrooms, so there will probably be some bed sharing going on. Since Angie sleeps in her custom black mohogany coffin and from the look of Brad's face he doesn't sleep at all, there will only have to be a few bunk sharers or floor dwellers. (Don't EVEN look at me bitches ~ Zahara). No, you know they have all twelve nannies piled up like laundry on the smallest bed so it's all good.
In other Brad and Angie news, the marriage rumors, take 5832, are back and Gossip Cop (via OK Magazine) is saying they're REALLY for honest for seriously true tying the knot this summer and getting matching tattoos to mark the occasion since Angie has two inches of un-inked real estate left. Supposedly they can't agree on where to get them or what type of tattoo to get. Angie wants an artsy one only she can understand, and Brad is leaning towards a cartoon character. The jokes write themselves. These two need to just go ahead and jump the broom already, because this shit got old 450 announcements ago and nobody will care when they finally Hoveround their old asses up to the altar. Hell, nobody cares now.
And that's the first smart thing this mess has done since Mean Girls. Despite having stowed away in a pet carrier in the cargo hold of an off-brand airliner to somehow get her crackhead ass to London, Lindsay Lohan says she won't be out there trying to insert Big Ben on New Year's Eve. TMZ reports that she's informed her
UK dealers friends that there will be no clubs, parties, bars, or a repeat performance of the NYE when she broke a ten into a five and four ones (service fee) with her freckled fanny (that's Brit talk for vagina). Supposedly she wants to start her year off right and make a good impression on the judge hearing her case (which one?).
The plan is to have a "small, quiet dinner" and then head back to the hotel to watch it all on telly. Maybe Patsy Stone's sister Jackie will show up, and they can eat potpourri while discussing plans to open a pet hotel.
Mangy bitch, please. There is no way in hell a celebrity slattern with borderline personality disorder and a drug and alcohol problem is going to keep her ass in on New Year's Eve. Besides, she saved some bucks with the IRS so she has eightball money. And think of all the unattended coats, bags, and shoes she can "borrow" from clubs and parties across London! This is showtime for her! Oh, I hope she ends up on Made In Chelsea trying to blow that one guy with the glossy mane who's gay and developmentally disabled.
And I can't decide which is more flyblown, patchy, and depressed - that coat or her hairline.
Check out more pics of Lindsay Lohan in London in the gallery.
One of my duties as a guest blogger for DListed is to report on celebrity peen whenever and wherever it pops up. It was in my contract. Lindsay Lohan could kick Katt Williams in the asshole in front of Buckingham Palace, and a peen post would still come first. I would be doing a disservice to my boss Michael K. if I dropped the ball(s) on this one. That's Channing Tatum, his pregnant wife Jenna Dewan-Tatum, and what could be his erect penis lounging on the beach.
It's possible I just have boners on the brain. That could just be the way his shorts are bunching. He could have a really big helmet on that soldier and it's just at ease. Maybe that's a hermit crab hiding out. Or maybe it's a THROBBING STIFFIE! Or at least a semi. You decide.
And yes, I totally would. Sure he's got a face like ham, and he won't get off of our movie screens. Seriously, it's like he's in a competition with Olivia Wilde to win the "Marginally Talented Actor To Appear In The Most Movies" trophy. However, he's pale and beefy and I can always just sit on his mug to hide it.
He also reminds me of several shady types that I know from Southie who will snatch your iPhone to sell for Perocets. All he's missing is a Sox jersey, a Fighting Irish tattoo, and coke dick. Hometown boys are the hottest. I consider coke dick to be a character-building challenge. Just keep an eye on your purse with those types.
Check out more pics of Channing Tatum and Jenna Dewan-Tatum on the beach at St. Barts in the gallery.
The Mountain Climber Guy from the Cliff Hangers game on the Price is Right!
Plinko and snipping your pet's balls get all the attention when it comes to the Price is Right, but the real star is this bitch! In the Cliff Hangers game, contestants must guess the prices of items and if they go over, the little mountain guy yodels his way up the hill until he falls over. This guy has been around since the 1970s, where he once made Janice Pennington cry because it reminded her of her husband (not the spy - that was her third husband) that was missing on a Swiss mountain.
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