There was a frowning rainbow over Croatia this weekend, and that's because when the Silver Fox frowns, rainbows frown and the Silver Fox was frowning after finding out that his live-in piece Ben Maisani was caught humping mouths with a side piece a day before they left for their vacation. Some source tells Life & Style that the locks of pure silver on Anderson's head temporarily lost their shine when he got sad about the pictures. And that means I need to sell a few of my beaten down internal organs to Priceline in exchange for a one-way ticket to Croatia, because I'm needed...and because I don't think the restraining order he has out against me is valid there. The source said this:
"Anderson was with Ben in Croatia when he was told about the photos. They were on a yacht. They flew to Croatia on Aug. 11, one day after the photos were taken. Anderson's upset -- who wouldn't be?"
Guess who else is in Croatia with Anderson and that bag of muscles and slutiness he calls a boyfriend? Andy Cohen! Anderson tweeted a pic he took of Andy in Croatia today and Andy tweeted about being in Croatia with Anderson. I know what's going on here. Anderson is going to be so upset that he's going to run out onto the deck of the yacht to softly weep tears of betrayal under the stars. Then Andy is going to slither out onto the deck, grab a step stool, stand on it and let Anderson cry it out on his titties. And since Andy's eyes are naturally in the derp position at all times, Anderson won't even notice that his right eye will be on the lookout for Ben. Bitch is so going to take advantage of a vulnerable Silver Fox right there on the poop deck! How shameful, Andy! Smart and something I would do, but still fucking shameful!
If you want the extra short version, just spend one second with that picture of Jeremy Renner and then go on your merry way, because that pretty much sums up all his feelings in one flick of a finger.
Jeremy Renner has joined Jon Hamm and Daniel Craig on the growing list of Hollywood actors who think that the Kartrashians are as useful as an ingrown nipple hair. Jeremy was doing an interview with The Guardian's Andrea Hubert about The Bourne Legacy when Andrea decided to make his soul gag by bringing up the Kardashian's name. They were talking about all the stuff that fames brings and Andrea dropped the K bomb, which made Jeremy barf this out:
"Oh, all those ridiculous people with zero talent who spend their lives making sure everyone knows their name. Those stupid, stupid people."
Shhhhh, Jeremy, you'll wake the whore beast that is Pimp Mama Kris and then she'll use that quote to stretch the Kardashians' fame and she'll use it so much that you'll have to legally change your name, because you'll be so sick of hearing the name "Jeremy Renner" fall out of their trash holes. It's probably too late. Pimp Mama Kris is already working on a response and I'm sure she'll call Jeremy classless and say that he's just jealous that he didn't get famous from getting slapped in the ass with Ray-J's boomerang dick on camera. Or maybe Pimp Mama Kris will just take that quote, sprinkle delusional dust on it and then post it on her website. Like this:
"[The Kardashians are] people with... talent [and] everyone knows their name." - Jeremy Renner
"This is the proudest moment of our lives" said the parents of the demure fresh flower (and my current life idol) who got her no-no tattooed in front of a bunch of strangers - Drunken Stepfather
Either Nicole Kidman wants the tabloids to press the on button on the baby bump watch or she's just massaging the gas around - Lainey Gossip
Tim Tebow does the topless "Jesus on a cross" pose in GQ - Celebitchy
Jennifer Aniston just labeled this kitten slurping on a bottle video as "what to watch on a loop if Justin leaves me at the altar" - The Berry
Jessica Biel's clip-on bangs were totally Justin Timberlake's idea - Hollywood Tuna
Bobby Trendy, call your agent now! - Towleroad
In other news, The Hoff got bit in the taint by a venus flytrap while looking for the Garden of Eden - The Superficial
I really thought that this was Heidi Montag making her comeback in a porn version of Matador and I'm so glad I was wrong - Popoholic
If you need Kylie Minogue, she'll be crying at the bottom of a lukewarm shower, because now the world knows that she once sucked on the Muscles from Brussels - ICYDK
Just when you think the Internet has outdone itself - OMG Blog
Naomi Watts in a wig or Pippa Middleton? - Popsugar
Rashida Jones apologies for truth-telling - Just Jared
"It wasn't me! It was Gwen Stefani! She drives a Porsche Panamera too!" - Lindsay Lohan the next time she rear ends a bitch - Moe Jackson
This dog's cabbage hat is the look - Cityrag
I can't wait for Britney Spears' cover of this - Videogum
Derek Hough and a furry friend (sadly, it isn't a picture of him at a bear bar) - I'm Not Obsessed
But I don't want to look - Hollywood Rag
No pun intended in that headline, I swear.
Over the weekend, J. Harvey wrote about how Chad "Ochocinco" Johnson of the Miami Dolphins pulled a first-degree Chris Brown on his wife Evelyn Lozado of Basketball Wives by allegedly punching her in the head with his cranium after she found a receipt for condoms in his Maserati. That messy incident cost his dumb stupid ass his job with the Dolphins and now it cost him a wife. Because after only six weeks of marriage, Evelyn is legally headbutting Ochocinco out of her life by filing for divorce.
TMZ somehow, magically learned (see: Evelyn live-texting them a play by play of her filing the papers) that Evelyn filed divorce papers in Florida this afternoon. Evelyn and Ochocinco barely joined fame whore forces by getting married on July 4th in St. Martin and their wedding was taped for a Vh1 reality show that never was. Evelyn's marriage lasted about as long it took her to take off her earrings before flying across the table to toot Kenya in the dome. Evelyn should've filed divorce on their 85th day of marriage to really make it burn.
And somewhere, Jen is sitting back and adjusting the discount blue contacts she brought from the swap meet while saying to the air, "I guess this is the life I ain't about."
While surrounded by a boat full of seamen in St. Tropez, Elton John just couldn't help himself and brought out his 65-year-old butt cheeks. Don't everybody lick the screen at once, now. Methinks this is Elton's way of ending his feud with Madge and letting her know that if she ever needs an opener for her fairground stripper act, his bare ass cakes are available.
Taylor Swift, the worst thing to happen to the Kennedys since the Kennedy curse, has a new song out called "We Are Never Getting Back Together" and based on that title you might think she's singing to the definition of maturity, but were her and maturity ever together? Taylor of Sunnybrook Farms tells Good Morning America (via People) that surprise, surprise, she wrote that song about one of her ex-pieces. But before we start guessing about which one of Taylor's exes is going to tell Rolling Stones in a few months that she really put bruises on his innocent heart by writing a song about him, let's listen to that mess first. WARNING: Taylor Swift is still writing lyrics that sound like they were written on her paper bag book cover during 7th grade homeroom.
If you'd rather try to chew bubblegum with your butt than press play on that bubblegum song, then read the spoken word part instead, because it is gold (via ONTD):
So he calls me up and he's like
"I still love you" and I'm like, I'm just ...
This is exhausting, you know like
We're never getting back together
When you make an Avril Lavigne song sound like a Carole Fucking King song, maybe it's time to stop getting creative inspiration from the 16-year-olds you share a bottle of Strawberry Hill with while hanging out with them behind the bleachers on a Friday night.
So who is Taylor singing about this time? Jakey Gyllenhaal? John Mayer? Joe Jonas? Taylor Lautner? Oh, I don't even know why we're playing this game when we all know who she's really singing about:
You can't blame him for that DUI now. We'd all lose our minds in a bottle of the sweet nectar if Taylor Swift told us we were never like ever like ever like getting back to like gether like ever like.
The Welcome Back, Kotter cast is one step closer to reuniting up in heaven, because 7 months after Epstein's afro halo carried him up to the afterlife, Horshack has joined him. TMZ says that Ron Palillo's partner of many years Joseph Gramm found him unconscious at their home near Palm Beach, FL at around 4 this morning. Joseph called for an ambulance and Ron was rushed to the hospital, but it was too late and he was pronounced dead when he got there. Ron was 63.
TMZ is hearing that Ron suffered a heart attack and everyone around him is shocked, because he seemed like he was in good health. Ron, who was a serious smoker, was supposed to visit the doctor today, because for the past few days he had a bitch of a cough.
Besides playing Horshack for the entire run of Welcome Back, Kotter, Ron was also in a few episodes of Ellen and did voice work on Darkwing Duck. But I will forever remember Horshack as the lucky dude who got to fist punch Screech in his ugly annoying face on that mess of a reality show known as Celebrity Boxing.
Rest in peace, Arnold Dingfelder Horshack. You'll always be my favorite WBK character, and yes it's because your last name is whore shack.
And just in case the death of WBK cast members comes in threes, a harem of male massage therapists better form a prayer circle jerk around John Travolta.
Three years ago, Lady CaCa became Miss Piggy's #1 enemy when she wore a coat made of Kermit carcasses, and she said at the time that she loved it, because she feels like it's a commentary on not wearing fur and she doesn't ever put the ripped off fur of a dead animal on her body. Well, getting free attention is more important to CaCa than swearing off fur, because for the past week she's been sashaying around the ho stroll while wearing fur coats that might be real. CaCa wore a hot pink fur coat while leaving the Armani store in NYC a week ago, and she wore another fur while posing with her dog friend outside of her hotel in Bulgaria yesterday. Like a true shameless STUNT QUEEN, bitch is wearing fur when it's hotter than a cat's throbbing pussy wart.
Since CaCa is wrapping herself in fur and posing with a possibly fake wolf head in the poster for Machete Kills, it was only a matter of time before PETA filled their flour sacks and came for her. And they did! Towleroad got a hold of a bitchy letter that PETA's senior VP sent to Lady CaCa's spokeswhore over her sudden thirst for fur:
Many of your gay fans, I among them, have long admired what you told Ellen: "I hate fur, and I don't wear fur." I included a link because these recent photos of you in fox and rabbit and with a wolf carcass make it appear that you have amnesia. I'm also including this brief video hosted by Tim Gunn showing the violent cruelty that you promote when you wear fur. What happened? Are your stylists telling you that it's fake, or are you a turncoat? Many gays are animal advocates because we recognize that the same arrogance and indifference that some have toward animal suffering has at times been directed toward us personally because of our orientation. PETA has long participated in Pride events around the country, and just last week, we helped lead protests against Chick-fil-A. But by wearing those dumb furs in a heat wave, you're making yourself a target just like the mindless Kim Kardashian. As we plan our fall campaigns, please tell us whether what you gracefully told Ellen was heartfelt or just a pose.
We await your reply.
CaCa did respond on her Twatter, but only to say that her coat was made by Hermes, thankyouverymuch:
For those press and such who are writing about whether or not my fur is actually real,
please don't forget to credit the designer HERMES. Thank You! LOVE, gaga
STUNT QUEENS vs. STUNT QUEEN. Let's just throw those PETA bitches and Lady CaCa into a cage together and let them STUNT QUEEN each other into a coma. PETA is crazy for that letter and Lady CaCa is crazy for wearing a fur coat in the middle of summer. The only bitch whose side I'm on is that dog's side, because it's forced to partake in this foolishness and I have a feeling that the next time CaCa carries it while wearing that fur coat, it's going to get its period all over that fugly thing. Don't let us down, dog!
And here's the commercial for CaCa's first fragrance:
I can't wait to hear what the people at PETEY (People for the Ethical Treatment of Egg Yolks) have to say about that ad.
With three tubes of Prep H smeared all over his eye area to keep down the swelling he got from his ducts barfing up floods of sparkle tears, Robert Pattinson slid into the guest chair at The Daily Show last night to promote Cosmopolis and to nervously giggle about the lip-biting, lazy-faced, skank whore elephant in the room. I really thought that RPatt'z interview with Jon Stewart was going to be as awkward as a sudden fart jumping out of your butt while you're getting your salad tossed, but it wasn't at all. It was actually kind of charming. Yes, I was charmed by RPattz and yes, you can now make fun of me for riding side saddle on one of the unicorns frolicking through his enchanted forest hair.
Jon Stewart never brought up Kristen Stewart's name and never asked RPattz how it feels to have his heart (or relationship contract) broken by his dead-hearted slut girlfriend thrusting her ass into married man crotch, but he did start the interview by giving RPattz some Ben & Jerry's before saying (via Jezebel):
"The last time I had a bad breakup, Ben and Jerry got me through some of the tougher times. So I thought you and I could bond over this and talk about, ‘Boy you are better off. Kick her to the curb, whatever...' When you are young and you break up, it's powerful and it feels like the world is ending. This is the first time I have seen the world actually react that way. It's insanity."
I don't know who told Jon Stewart that Ben & Jerry's is the medicine for a broken heart, but who ever told him needs to receive an education from the most dumped trick in America Jennifer Love Hewitt, because it ain't. Jon should've given RPattz a basket with a raw cookie dough log, a vajazzle kit, a copy of John Bobbitt's porn (because nothing makes you feel good about your life like Jon Bobbitt's frankendick) and a lyric sheet for Mary J. Blig's "Not Gon' Cry."
And I really hope that Kristen Stewart's first interview is with Nancy Grace. No, Kristen Stewart never killed a baby, but she did kill the hearts of a million crazed Twihards and ever since Casey Anthony got away, Nancy Grace has been waiting to chew on a trashy white girl who looks an albino rat's soft peen.
Here's RPattz at the NYC premiere of Cosmopolis last night and at the NYSE this morning. The black and blue ensemble is really, really subtle. You can't tell from these pictures, but also at the premiere last night were dozens of Twihards screaming at RPattz to let them seal the cracks in his heart with their panty pudding.
That headline is made of so much perfect that if someone tattooed it on a rubber peen mitten made of recycled Crocs, I'd probably wear it all the damn time. It's that perfect.
The 51-year-old co-founder of Crocs and philanthropist, George Boedecker, should be arrested and thrown into a window-less cell on Death Row for founding the company that is spreading the dark-sided, evil work of Lucifer on the feets of whores who don't realize that they're wearing a VIP ticket to the ninth circle on their hooves. But in Boulder, Colorado on Saturday night, George Boedecker was put into handcuffs for a different reason: crazy bitch got busted for driving his Porsche while on the wrong side of drunk. The Smoking Gun says that after Drunk George was pulled over, he showed everyone that he's obviously the valedrunktorian of Randy Travis' Night School Of Drunken Fuckery, because he gave the cops a performance.
Drunk George had a good reason for why his Porsche looked like it was being driven by a crazy sack of drunk. George told the cops that he wasn't driving the Porsche. George's really famous, country singer girlfriend was. When the cops asked who his girlfriend was, he said Taylor Swift. As the cops tried to swallow the laughs flooding out of their mouths, George said that Taylor is "batshit crazy" (seems about right) and after they got into an argument in his Porsche, she jumped out of the car and ran off. The cops asked George where she ran off to and he pointed to somebody's front yard and said, "Nashville." George didn't stop there and took his boozed-up antics of foolery to the next level when the cops asked him a couple of questions. It went like this:
Cop: What's your address?
Drunk George: "I have 17 fucking homes!"
Cop: Will you take a sobriety test?
Drunk George: "I'm not doing your fucking maneuvers!"
When the cops told George he was under arrest, he told them that he couldn't believe they were doing this to him "after everything he's done for this city" and then he told them to "go fuck yourselves in the ass." George declared the cops his "enemies for life" and promised to take their badges.
I love that the co-founder of Crocs is a fuck word-throwing lunatic. I love that in his mug shot, George looks like a dehydrated orange Croc that was just boiled in a pot full of liquid meth. I love that Taylor Swift is obviously just stalking the Kennedys to distract the media from the fact that she's really dating the co-founder of Crocs. I love that Taylor's next album will have the songs "Crocs in My Heart" and "Crocodile Crack Rock" in it. And I really love that when George was arrested, he had flip flops on his feet. I love all of this.
(Thanks to everyone who sent this in)