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Every driver in Los Angeles should just go ahead and cover their car in rubber bumpers and wear a helmet every time they drive, because if Lindsay Lohan's stupid ass won't crash into them, then Amanda Bynes' stupid ass will. If you're driving around L.A. and see Amanda Bynes or Lindsay Lohan driving behind you, pull over and pray to all the saints, because you're in danger, girl. Case in point:

TMZ says that a woman named Kisa became the latest member of the Victims of Amanda Bynes Club yesterday afternoon when Amanda allegedly rear-ended her Toyota Corolla on Venture Blvd. Kisa says that after Amanda's black BMW punched her Toyota, they both got out of their cars to see how serious the damage was. Kisa says that she didn't recognize Amanda Bynes at first, because she "looked like a hot mess." Um, here's a little tip. If the bitch who just hit you looks like the kind of mess that can make thermometers explode, then it's either Amanda Bynes or Blohan. Kisa went on to tell TMZ that there was damage to her Toyota's bumper and a lot of damage to Amanda's BMW. But Amanda told Kisa that the damage to her Toyota wasn't that bad and that mess tried to push her bumper back into place.

When Kisa asked Amanda for her insurance information, that bitch got shifty and didn't cough it up. When Kisa kept trying to get Amanda's information, she said that they didn't need to exchange info since the damage wasn't that bad and then she jumped into her car and drove away. Kisa called the police, filed a hit and run report and here we are now.

In pre-school, there was this tricycle track in the school yard and my teacher gave us these fake tricycle drivers licenses with our pictures on them. Amanda doesn't even deserve one of those! Bitch shouldn't have any kind of license. What a dumb bitch and she's an extra dumb bitch, because she didn't even try to get the heat off of her by shouting, "I'm Lindsay Lohan, the cops know where to find me!" before running away. But whatever, Amanda doesn't have shit to worry about. Because I'm sure that right at this very moment, President Obama is down at the police station declaring to the cops that he has officially pardoned Amanda Bynes of all future charges. I mean, Amanda IS his number one priority.

I see you making a smug "My gold digger mission is complete!" face, Benjamin Millepied.

Natalie Portman and her ballerino piece Benjamin Millepied have been wearing wedding rings for months now even though they weren't married in the legal sense, but they changed all that last night when they said vow stuff to each other under a chuppah (not this Chupa) at somebody's house in Big Sur, CA. UsWeekly says they got married at around 8pm in the dark, but don't ask them for anymore details, because they don't have any right now. Even though no other details are known at this time, we can pretty much assume that Natalie's vows included some quote from a philosopher none of us know and in lieu of gifts the bride and groom asked guests to plant a tree or broaden their minds by buying and reading a book on a subject that is foreign to them. NO JOKE. One of my friends went to a smart people wedding and the bride and groom didn't want gifts, but they did want their guests to read a book and then to tell them about that book at the reception. Fuck that shit. I'm getting you a blender, bitch. This ain't school. I'm just here for the cake.

If I was a guest at Natalie and Benjamin's wedding, I'd be seriously disappointed if he didn't perform his vows through interpretive dance. I'd ask for a refund for the outfit I bought for that occasion. If the groom is a ballet dancer, I would to see some TWIRLS! And no word yet if during the couple's first dance, Natalie Portman did 85% or 5% of her own dancing.

Here's some pictures from June of Natalie, Benjamin and their 1-year-old kid Aleph strolling through Paris.

Paperboy from the Paperboy video game!

Watching the trailer for that beautiful white trash extravaganza The Paperboy reminded me of the video game I played for hours upon hours as a kid and never ever won. I sucked at that shit. The Paperboy video game was released on Atari first, I think, but I had the Nintendo version. (Side note: Remember when your Nintendo game would freeze up and so you'd pull out the cartridge and blow on it, thinking there was dust or other shit caught inside of it? You thought you were a real technical genius for coming up with the blow method. Remember that? You don't? Okay, I guess it was just me then...)

The Paperboy video game was as basic as basic can be. You'd ride up the street and try to deliver newspapers while annoying hos like a runaway lawnmower and a brat on a Big Wheel got in your way. This is The Paperboy they should've made a full-length movie about. Zac Efron could've played the Paperboy, Nicole Kidman could've played a crazed horny slut who's always trying to piss on his face and Matthew McConaughey could've played himself, a Texas T-Rex who keeps trying to bite at Paperboy's back wheel. Make this happen, Hollywood!

In the meantime, hold your head as your mind boggles over Paperboy's Avatar-like special effects!

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