Katherine Jackson and TJ Jackson were officially named co-guardians of Paris, Blanket and Prince today, and in her declaration, Mama Jackson took off her wig, got comfortable and let it all out. In the declaration, Mama Jackson threw a "here comes the truth, heffas" side-eye at Janet, Randy, Jermaine and Rebbie when she said that she suspects she was tricked into taking that trip to Arizona. Mama Jackson has seen the light and she's spilling the truth. "I've got all your numbers, hussies!" - Mama Jackson to her sneaky bitch ass kids
TMZ says that Katherine was all set to drive to New Mexico to see her sons in concert, but then an unnamed doctor showed up to her house and told her that she should fly instead of taking a car. Katherine says she trusted her doctor, so she got on the plane, but was hit with a whole lot of WTF when she ended up in Tucson instead of New Mexico. When Katherine wondered why she was in Tucson, she was told that she has high blood pressure and needed to rest at a spa. If there's one thing a memaw can't resist, it's rest at a spa, so she went. When she got to the spa, her iPad and cell phone were taken away and the phone in her room was disconnected. Katherine couldn't even watch her stories on TV, because they shut the TV off. Suddenly she knew what it felt like to be one of Tommy Girl's wives.
Katherine didn't know her grandchildren were going crazy on Twitter about her being missing and she was constantly told that Paris, Blanket and Prince were fine. Katherine went on to write in the declaration, "At the time, I trusted the people I was with to be honest with me."
This leads me to the NEWS FROM THE GODS that fell onto my eyes like clouds made of glitter today. CNN says that Oprah has made the best decision of her career by giving La Toya Jackson a reality show on OWN. Unfortunately, La Toya's show isn't a reality version of Murder She Wrote and doesn't follow her as she solves crimes, but her show will still save the entire network. Oprah can thank Detective La Toya later. The thing is, La Toya's show doesn't air until 2013 and it hasn't even started shooting yet. So why didn't Randy and his band of plastic-faced kidnappers wait until La Toya's show started shooting before they put their scheme into motion?
All the drama could've been captured in front of reality TV cameras and in the show's season finale, La Toya could've rescued Katherine from her spa prison! You know, Detective La Toya would've gone undercover as a maid, snuck into Katherine's room and escaped through the air conditioning vents before zip-lining across the property to a waiting helicopter. But noooo, Randy and those bitches would never let that happen, because they are jealous of La Toya and won't ever let her be great. Selfish bitches!
True love always prevails: Holly Madison and Hef reunite! - Hollywood Tuna
I can't wait to see The Queen's "nottryingtogiveafuck" faces while watching Posh pose pose pose during the Spice Girls performance at the Closing Ceremony - Lainey Gossip
Just like all of us, Bryan Cranston lost his v-card to an $8 Dutch hooker - The Superficial
Australian Olympic diver Matthew Mitcham and Bette Midler should join ukelele-playing forces and go on tour together - Towleroad
Kate Upton doesn't look like Kate Upton when you erase her brows - Drunken Stepfather
If beauty was the beast - The Berry
RPattz is SLYCIC! - Celebitchy
A Beyonce documentary about Beyonce by Beyonce starring Beyonce for Beyonce's ego - Just Jared
Ick or Nast? - Cityrag
CORRECTION: Is Pimp Mama Kris pushing Kanye West to make a sex tape with her prized pig? ANSWER: Duh. - I'm Not Obsessed
And they totally color coordinated before leaving the yacht - ICYDK
This is the look: Vanessa Hudgens looking like a primetime shift pussy puddler circa 1978 - Popoholic
Nothing like a titty slip during the XXX Olympics to push two boys passed puberty - SOW
England's finest rose blooms in the sun - Hollywood Rag
Thank you to everyone who helped invent the camera and made these pictures of Thom Evans' uncut peen possible - (NSFW) OMG Blog
What natural and not-at-all staged pictures of Tommy Girl and Suri - Popsugar
The first disappointment of the day for me was when I read story after story about how a delicious chicken sandwich is the unofficial anti-gay rights symbol. The second disappointment of the day came when I got hungry for a chicken sandwich and realized that Popeye's ass doesn't deliver to my area. The third disappointment of the day came when I was looking for pictures on a photo agency website and thought that a set of tiny thumbnails were pictures of this glamorous flower:
Then I clicked on a thumbnail and found out it was just Lindsay Lohan's busted ass at Make-Up Forever in L.A. There needs to be a store called Sit Down Forever and bitch needs to go there instead. Damn you LiLo for not being Jose Eber in easy access shorty shorts.
Jessica Biel has said in interviews that before she leaves the house, Justin Timberlake swishes into the room, puts his hand under his chin, sticks his pinky finger out and gives her the Suri look over to make sure she's keeping it cute. Well, the next time Justin tries to style her ass, she needs to tell him to suck on a dirty butt plug, because he's doing her wrong. Jessica wore this mess to the Total Recall premiere in L.A. last night and I'm guessing she wanted her to look to match the reviews. The whole thing is a rotten mess. This is what it would look like if someone barfed up Pepto-Bismol into a costume jooree box full of twisted pearl and rhinestone necklaces.
1. The face is just one color. Isn't there a Rite-Aid on Hollywood Blvd. where Jessica could've bought some hot pink Wet 'n Wild lip gloss or something?
2. The necklace is scraping three layers off of of my OCD nerve, because I just want to spend the rest of the day untangling it.
3. THAT DRESS. Does bitch need that many pockets? Bitch is just going to a premiere, she's not running away from home. The only good parts on that dress are the tititty pockets. I love a good titty pocket. It's the best place for you to stuff a Capri Sun pouch in, so you can sip up fruity deliciousness while keeping your hands free.
Jessica could've made herself look hotter, though, by standing next to Kate Beckinsale. Who ever told Kate that it's okay to skin an alien lizard from V in the name of fashion IS wrong.
Here's more pictures from last night's premiere, which brought out Jessica, Kate, Kate's husband Len (who directed that mess), Colin Farrell and Colin's sister.
Yesterday, John Travolta's ass lips clapped in glee at the possibility of having a new massage time partner when InTouch Weekly said that JLo's piece Casper Smart is into getting erotic massages and Star Magazine said that he's into putting his mouth over gay glory holes. But a quick second after Star and InTouch's stories came out, JLo threatened to sue both of the tabloids for spreading defamatory lies that could damage hers and Casper's reputations. I would cackle at that last part, but Skeletor is already letting out enough cackles for all of us. JLo's reputation is already floating at the top of a toilet, so a few more drops of shit on it won't hurt.
But wait! Four barbers who work at the Diamond Cuts barber shop in the building next to the peep show say that Casper has an alibi. They told Splash and Rumor Fix that Casper wasn't getting a shiatsu massage on his toot hole and he wasn't tap dancing for dick in a gay glory hole. They say Casper was getting a "skin fade" at their shop. Casper only went next door to the peep show, because he needed to use their ATM since he was all out of cash and used the allowance JLo gave him that morning to buy CZ studs at Claire's.
So there you go. Casper might love some peen on his tongue, but he wasn't getting any peen on his tongue at the glory hole that day. Casper's nipples might get hard when a massage therapist lays into his ass cheeks, but that's not what he was doing that day. He was just getting a fade! You know where he really should've been? Bitch should've been at Elegant Eyebrows, because his eyebrow situation is uneven as shit and could use a touch of elegance.
The Kennedy curse is still a real thing and nowadays when you marry a Kennedy, the government not only makes you fill out a marriage license, but they also make you fill out your own death certificate at the same time. But Taylor Swift doesn't care that she's winking at the Grim Reaper, because she's always been obsessed with the Kennedy family and now that she's dating Conor Kennedy, the 18-year-old son Robert Kennedy Jr. and the late Mary Kennedy, all her dreams are coming true. And as Taylor's dreams come true, all of Martha Vineyard's nightmares are coming true since she's totally going to name drop them in a song now.
People says that last January, Taylor went to Sundance to watch the HBO documentary about Conor's grandma Ethel and a month later she slobbered while telling Vogue that she was so starstruck when she met Caroline and Ethel Kennedy. Taylor got to spend an afternoon with Ethel Kennedy and I'm saying right now that she used that lady to get in with Conor Kennedy. That shameless, social ladder-climbing, bale of hay-looking harlot! And who the hell climbs the social ladder to get into the Kennedy family? Because when you do that, there's a dark cloud of doom waiting for you at the end of the ladder.
People also says that Taylor and Conor have been dating for around 2 months and she is completely "swept off her feet." When isn't this trick swept off her feet? Somebody really needs to secretly stick weights in her Mary Janes, because I'm so sick of her always getting swept up off the ground and shit. All shade aside, 22-year-old Taylor dating an 18-year-old boy
fresh out of still in high school makes sense. Taylor has the maturity of a Flower Faeries sticker and he's really young so he probably thinks it's cute when she sends him a handwritten love note folded into a heart shape.
One of Katy Perry's goals in life, next to shooting everything found in a grocer's fridge section out of her tits, must be to hump on every mega man skank on the CDC's most wanted list. Because Katy has gone from riding on Russell Brand to taking a ride on John Mayer's David Duke dick. Katy and John left Chateau Marmont together last night, and UsWeekly says that before every paps' lens got covered in herp sores by taking these pictures, they were kissing each other inside the hotel:
Perry, 27, and Mayer, 34, had a leisurely dinner together at Chateau Marmont, an observer tells Us Weekly. And the date, the witness adds, was definitely romantic, with the "Teenage Dream" singer and Mayer "holding hands across the table," sneaking kisses, and laughing.
Katy and John have apparently been bumping nipples for almost two months now. So, Katy's douchedar is still broken and she's obviously still into the kind of dude who looks like he's got 3 out of 5 basic food groups stuck to the bottom of his peen. Hopefully, Katy grabbed that plastic bag floating through the wind and wrapped it around John's peen several times before she got on that shit.
And if the Anne Shirley of hussies Taylor Swift has hit it and wrote a song about it, you should stay away from it.
Love & Hip Hop Atlanta trick, K. Michelle (Side note: If I was dyslexic and a drag queen, K. Michelle would be my drag name. No, I'm not dyslexic. You learn something new, I know.), shook her head no yesterday at the rumor that nine-time Olympic medalist Ryan Lochte is tapping his American flag grill on her coochie full-time. K. Michelle says they're only really good friends (Translation: she licks the chlorine off his peen every and and again). Well, according to Ryan Lochte's mom, Ike Lochte, K. Michelle is telling the truth, because she told Today that her son is too busy winning medals and stuff, and he really doesn't have time for anything beyond a fuck and run.
When asked about Ryan's personal life, Ike Lochte was fresh out of fucks to give when she said this about his free agent peen: “He goes out on one-night stands. He’s not able to give fully to a relationship because he’s always on the go.”
I love how she didn't even try to keep it vague by saying that he dates around and doesn't dip into anything serious. Ike Lochte just came out and said he's a hit it and quit it kind of slut. Debbie Phelps has some competition as the Olympic mother who wins my heart. But you know, I'm sure Ike Lochte being blunt as hell isn't going to embarrass Ryan. Ryan is too busy still trying to figure out the answer to the question "What's 7 times 4?" If you watch only one thing today, watch this priceless video of Ryan's greatest interview moments. If a perma-stoned Ryan Phillippe played Joey in Blossom, it would sort of look like this:
So many gems, but my favorite part is when he says that his cell phone screensaver is a picture of his brain.
Picnic table in the back yard? Check. Sparklers? Check. Shitty hairdo? Check. Solo cups for the Andre Cold Duck and Kool Aid? Check. Big ass fruit bong? Check. Ok, looks like Miley's wedding reception is good to go! - turnelbup
Trying to get her friendship back with Charlize Theron, K-stew makes a most impressive fruit bong that will trump all the apple pipes in the world. - strawberry_feather
You know you have a pretty cool home ec teacher when she teaches you how to bake fruit. - OurMissC
Edible Arrangements best selling "Get Well Soon" arrangement. - MelissaMuse
via I Heart Chaos
Mama Brinkley and her litter of Corgi puppies on the new CORGI PUPPY CAM!!!!!
Ever since The Shiba Inu 6 made productivity in the workplace drop from 2% to 1% (because before the Shiba Inu puppy cam came along, you were still trying to find ways to avoid work like watching the Internet's paint dry cam aka reading Dlisted and other gossip blogs) in 2008, it seems like there's been a new Shiba Inu puppy cam every other damn week. I haven't really put my eyeballs on any of those other cams, because once you've seen one litter of Shiba Inu puppies, sleep, shit, play, sleep, bite at each other's necks, sleep, piss, you've seen ALL Shiba Inu puppies sleep, piss, etc...
But now there's a new PUPPY!!!! cam on the Internet and instead of Shiba Inus, this one has the hobbits of the dog world, CORGIS! The Pet Collective brings us YouTube's very first 24/7 puppy feed and it stars Mama Brinkley and her adorable 2-week-old Corgi babies. Mama Brinkley obviously knows this Corgi puppy reality show is going to make her a star, because she's definitely making a "Bitch, I'm famous!" face in the picture above.
Before clicking "play" on the Corgi sleep, piss & play show below, you might let your boss know to expect that spreadsheet of a spreadsheet of a spreadsheet on his desk by September at the earliest.
Okay, that 24/7 Corgi cam isn't completely 24/7. They lie. Because this morning, when I peeked in to see how much they've grown since I looked in on them like 7 hours ago, the screen was completely black. I'm guessing it's just technical difficulties and the puppies didn't find a way to throw a sheet over the camera so they can escape to the world's Corgi Shangri-La known as Buckingham Palace. Speaking of, this is what The Queen is watching for the rest of the summer. Eff the Olympics!
via The Daily What