I know, you're just here for the Corgis.
At tonight's Opening Ceremony for the 2012 Olympics (or as I know them as, the 2012 Athlete Bulge Watch), London shot their biggest load by putting THE QUEEN (you should curtsy at your keyboard while reading that) and James Bond together in the same room. I expected Helen Mirren in THE QUEEN drag to turn around when Bond came sashaying in, but it was the actual Queen and she had a line and everything. I hope this leads to The Queen starring in the next Bond movies as a villainess who beats him with her pocket book.
I haven't finished watching all of the Opening Ceremony, but I'm assuming that instead of fireworks, a naked Prince Hot Ginge came out and did jumping jacks. And I'm also assuming that the musical entertainment was Pete Doherty letting out his crack yodel while Harvey Price backed him up on the tambourine. Oh, and England's official ambassador of beauty Jodie Marsh lit the Olympic cauldron, right? Am I right? I'm totally right.
GOOPY Paltrow continues her obsession with poop by selling turki shit for the rock bottom, peasant price of $240. And turkis are just like turkeys, but they're fancier and exclusively from Europe or something. - Lainey Gossip
That glazed look of sweaty shame on Mila Kunis' face tells me that she's definitely humping on Ashton Kutcher and she's not proud of it - The Superficial
Roseanne needs to start a band and she needs to call it Aborted Chicken Fetus Anus - Towleroad
I totally thought this was a still of the Joker as a nurse from The Dark Knight - Hollywood Tuna
Things that still happening: RiRi being a swimsuit, RiRi being on vacation, RiRi being a drunk and RiRi being annoying through pictures - Drunken Stepfather
Poke at me when somebody makes the real life version of Bianca Dupree's mansion from Beverly Hills Teens - The Berry
John Travolta is ready to sword fight Tommy Girl to be Scientology's pin-up of choice - Celebitchy
The Dancing with the Has-Beens: All-Has-Beens cast was announced - Just Jared
And when The Lesbeaver landed, his au pair Selena Gomez made him suck off a bar of soap - ICYDK
Bane. A Baby in a Bjorn. Rapping. That is all. - Videogum
Hayden Christensen is really making that Star Wars money stretch - Moe Jackson
Grey's Anatomy will be McSteamy-less next season - I'm Not Obsessed
Mischa Barton swimsuit pictures just aren't the same without her screaming at the paps for trying to get close-ups of her cellulite - Popsugar
Katy Perry's in a two piece - Popoholic
They say Lady CaCa is making her acting debut in Machete Kills, but hasn't the bitch been acting this whole time? - Hollywood Rag
Something tells me Bruno Mars and Windex are about to become best friends forever - Cityrag
Dane Cook must've looked at all the free attention Daniel Tosh got for that whole "Wouldn't it be funny if 5 guys raped her right now?" thing and thought to himself, "I can do that too!" And he did at The Laugh Factory in L.A. last night when he tried out this joke:
"I heard that the guy came into the theater about 25 minutes into [The Dark Knight Rises]. And I don’t know if you’ve seen the movie, but the movie's pretty much a piece of crap. Yeah, spoiler alert. I know that if none of that would have happened, I'm pretty sure that somebody in that theater, about 25 minutes in realizing it was a piece of crap, probably was like, 'Ugh, fucking shoot me.'"
The comedian he stole that joke from should be ashamed of themselves! But really, Dane Cook has a point. The Dark Knight Rises was a total piece of crap compared to the cinematic brilliance of Employee of the Month.
UPDATE: Dane Cook's ass farted out an apology today, "I made a bad judgment call with my material last night & regret making a joke at such a sensitive time. My heart goes out to all of the families & friends of the victims."
I see what you did there, MiserAlba. The old "I'll just bend over and pretend like I'm fixing my pants so it looks like the hot topless piece behind me is tapping it from the back and if he accidentally runs into my nalgas, even better!" trick. Bitch, please. I've overused that trick so many times and it's the main reason why I've been banned from every running track in NYC.
While most of the Jackson family wrestles each other on a mountain of Michael Jackson's fortune, we've all been wondering where the only Jackson we care about has been. Where was La Toya Jackson? Was Detective La Toya so deep under cover that the only way to contact her was to pass notes to Bubbles? Did crazy Randy Jackson kidnap La Toya too after realizing that she's the crown jewel of the Jackson family and the executors of MJ's estate would hand over everything to get her back? Has La Toya been oblivious to all of this foolery, because she's been holed up in a German plastic surgeon's office getting another pair of rubber testicles installed in her cheeks? The correct answer is: None of those!
TMZ says that La Toya has been missing in action, because she's been too busy thinking with her brain unlike the others. La Toya is reading all the Jacksons and is telling them to turn down the crazy and stop fighting in public. TMZ's source says that La Toya isn't taking sides and is shaking her head at her brothers and sisters being fame whores by putting their family disputes in front of the cameras. La Toya has told all of them to handle this far away from the media.
Yes, La Toya is coming out of this as the sane one. You should probably hold on to something sturdy, because the sheer force of minds blowing over this will make the earth tip over. When La Toya looks deep into your insane eyes and tells you calmly that you're a "crazy fame whore," you need to start whistling out steam, because you're a fucking kettle. It's that serious.
In other Jackson family mess news, UsWeekly says that Katherine Jackson and TJ Jackson will file for joint guardianship of Paris, Blanket and Prince. As long as Katherine and TJ both agree to keep MJ's kids far away from Jermaine's scary hard nipples, this could work.
On Wednesday's episode of the broke down version of The View known as The Talk, the hosts brought up the rumors that Janet Jackson and Paris Jackson got into a slap slap slappity fight right there on the driveway of Katherine Jackson's house. Paris Jackson already denied that hands went flying, but the hosts of The Talk still brought it up. The show's guest Gladys Knight made it clear that if Paris Jackson served her some lip, that little girl would be on the next Midnight Train to Whoop Ass. They'd have to call in an ambulance, a dentist, an orthodontist, a denture maker and a professional who specializes in gum transplants, because Paris Jackson would be picking her teefs up from off the ground. Gladys explained herself like this:
"It’s drama, that’s what it is. If you lived up under the microscope as this family does, everybody has dysfunctionality in their families, either one way or the other. See, I’m from the south and was raised in that southern way. You have to understand Paris is what, 14? How old is Janet? Who’s the one who tries to direct the other one here? And I would think that it’s a good thing she lets Paris know who she is. She is a Jackson, she shouldn’t be putting the business out there like that. Cause people read into whatever they want to read into, that’s how they get the drama. So, she’s just trying to protect her, in a way. But if she called me that, she wouldn’t have any teeth...You respect your elders."
That raspy whistling sound you hear is Joe Jackson swooning through his gross bull dog nostrils over Gladys' words. As soon as he composes himself, I'm sure he'll say, "An ass whooper after my own heart." If this is Gladys' way of trying to get Joe Jackson to ask her out on a romantic date where they'll pick out switches together, it's totally going to work.
Here's the video of Gladys saying it:
Vadge somehow decided that the best way to respond to the political hate she's getting from the far-right for putting a swastika over the face of France's Front National party leader Marine Le Pen during her MDNA show was to celebrate the country's tolerance by performing in an intimate concert for 2,700 members of her fan club. Fans waited overnight to get a ticket to the show at the Olympia club in Paris last night. If you're about to put your morning cocktail on the ground to re-chill it since Hell has obviously frozen over now that Vadge has done something nice by giving her fans a free concert, don't. That show was far from free. Greedy bitch charged $100 to $350 for a ticket to see her wide open memaw crotch show.
But the show was streamed on YouTube for free and I checked into that mess about 20 minutes or so in. I was just in time to watch Professor Madge launch into a looooonger than looooong high school history lecture about Paris' significance as a cultural capital and then she said something about how we all need to come together as a people. Or something like that. I don't know, that's when I pulled out my Pee Chee folder and started to draw dick pictures in pencil on it.
Once Madge finished her speech, she didn't perform for that much longer. The show lasted only 45 minutes and many fans were not exactly farting out bombs of happiness over paying up to $350 for some short shit that included a long speech they could've read for free on a 9th grader's history paper. Some of Madge's fans think she should've used that rope as a noose, because she's dead to them now.
When the lights came up and it was clear Madge was not coming out again, fans launched water bottles at the stage and called her a "salope" (which apparently means "slut" or "bitch"). Get some of this pricelessness below:
Oh, France, thank you for that. But you know, Madge has built an entire career from being a salope, so I'm totally disappointed that she didn't come out while they were booing, bow and say, "MERCI, SALOPES!"
Well, there goes Kristen Stewart's standing invitation to come over to Charlize Theron's house to smoke the good shit out of a kiwi pipe or whatever else she's got lying in her fruit bowl. Charlize and Kristen bonded (aka hot boxed in their trailers together) while filming Ho White and the Cuntsman, and they got so close (aka Charlize let her finger bone her during a moment of weed-induced weakness) that Charlize said she'd jump off of a building for that trick. Don't mind, Charlize, sometimes the good shit smoke takes over and singlehandedly produces the foolery that comes out of her mouth. It happens to the best (see: seriously stoned) of us.
But Radar says that not even three hits from a vaporizer straw can smoke out the anger Charlize feels toward Kristen Stewart for letting a married man perform Twatlight: Munching Labia on her in a parked car. Charlize apparently ain't mad at that Rupert Sanders skank for chewing up his marital vows by chewing on Kristen Stewart's crotch, but she is mad at KStew. That's what some source says anyway:
“Charlize is absolutely fuming with Kristen for having an affair with Rupert. She is very tight with Liberty, has often socialized with the family over dinner and cannot believe Kristin has done this. When they were filming Snow White and the Huntsman, Charlize felt like an older sister to Kristin, and they were always sharing advice.
Charlize confided to her new pal about her adoption plans. She even asked Kristin if she wanted to be her baby Jackson’s godmother – that was how close they were. But Charlize had no idea what was going on between Rupert and Kristin and now feels completely betrayed by the whole incident. It’s certainly left Charlize between a rock and a hard place, because she feels great sympathy for Liberty and the kids and yet, she has a sisterly love for Kristin."
Okay, they had me until they got to the "godmother" part. If this is true (it's not), then I need to know what Charlize is lacing her marijuana with, because that shit needs to be banned immediately by every government. What kind of stuff, if smoked, leads you to ask Kristen Stewart to be the godmother of a human child you care about on an emotional level? That is some dark-sided stuff. That stuff will also lead you to ask other inanimate objects (examples: a chewed-up sofa pillow, an empty Glade candle holder, a single anal bead, a bunion on your dog's paw, the pork rind dust at the bottom of a bag of chicharones, a AA battery you keep in your freezer, etc...) to be your baby godmother. Charlize's baby's baptism is going to be a mess. When they ask his godmother to come forward, Kristen Stewart, a chewed-up sofa pillow and pork rind dust will all step up to the altar. That will be Baby Jackson's cue to say "I choose the chewed-up sofa pillow" with his eyes.
If there was ever a time to softly scream out "ayyyye, nooooo" while doing the slow wall slide, this is the time. Actress, activist and producer Lupe Ontiveros passed away last night in Los Angeles at the age of 69. Lupe was at the 2012 NALIP (National Association of Latino Independent Producers) a few months ago and many said she was in good spirits, so her passing is a shock to many. Examiner says that Lupe suffered from liver cancer.
Lupe (born name: Guadalupe Moreno) was born in El Paso, TX and got her degree in social work from Texas Women's University. Lupe met and married her husband in Texas and they later moved to California so that he could start up an automotive business. Lupe wasn't really into doing social work anymore and was about to go to school for nursing when she saw an ad in the paper asking for extras. Her acting career was born. One of Lupe's first major jobs was playing Dolores in the musical Zoot Suit which eventually went to Broadway before it was made into a movie. From there, she went on to play Rosalita the maid in The Goonies and one of the daughters in My Family. In the late 90s, Lupe killed a pre-JLo Jennifer Lopez in Selena and again played a maid in As Good As It Gets.
Lupe should've won all the Oscars for her performance in Storytelling where she played Consuelo, the quiet, sad, tortured and depressed maid who (SPOILER ALERT) gassed the entire asshole family she worked for. (That kid Mickey came from Lucifer's seed. True story.) Lupe also played Mama Solis in Desperate Housewives, Beverly in Chuck & Buck and America Ferrera's not the one mom in Real Women Have Curves.
In 2002, Lupe talked to The New York Times about Hollywood's narrow view of hispanics and how she's played a maid at least 150 times. Lupe said this:
"I'm proud to represent those hands that labor in this country. I've given every maid I've ever portrayed soul and heart."
Rest in peace, Lupe.
Jessica Simpson daydreams about her wedding day. - Rockwell
They exchanged their fowls in front of 200 guests. - Half Empty
I knew poor Phoebe's face was going to explode one day. Un-rude hosts wouldn't have turned that into a game. - TexnDoc
The couple that plucks together, fucks forever. - LaPerlaDelSur